George Hammond became aware of a crunching sound. It puzzled him; enough that he forced his eyes open coming face to ass with a very hairy cat. "Awe, Mari. Get the hell off me," he growled, giving the large calico a shove. And that's when he saw it, or what was left of it. A half-eaten gopher sat on his chest, one glassy eye staring up at him. "Well if that isn't the most disgusting... Marigold! You damn ugly cat!"
He spent the better part of the morning cleaning up after his 'wife's cat' before hurrying off to work, without coffee, only to arrive ten minutes late anyhow. What a morning. Well, at least SG-1's due back this afternoon. Wait a minute, who said that was a good thing? Head buried in a two-inch stack of briefings, invoices, and reports; Hammond walked into his office and received the shock of his life.
"Oh my..." No, this could not be happening.
"Hello General. Look who I found."
"Maybourne, what are you doing here? No, more importantly what is -- this is a top-secret military base! How did -- why did?" he glared at the pair. "How did you get here? You're not supposed to be here."
"Oh George." Hammond watched in horror as his mother turned to Colonel Maybourne. "My George was never one for surprises," she confided to the colonel.
"Mother..." he caught himself before he could give voice to the whine that was begging to be released. "How did you get here? Why are you here?" he ground out.
His mother treated him to a smile that was a little too much like a smirk. "I'm checking up on you sweetie pie."
Maybourne didn't even try to suppress the grin. Hammond turned on him. "You. Get off my base now."
"Yes, sir." The unspoken 'sweetie pie' hung ripe in the air as Maybourne, his giant grin still spread taut across his face, left the room.
"You're not being very hospitable, George. He was a very nice young man. I don't think you're getting along well with others. I'll half to make note," she said as she withdrew a small notebook from her ever-present suitcase of a purse and began writing. "And this base is a mess. There's so much dust. And I have spotted at least a half-dozen safety hazards so far. Also making note," she said clicking her tongue against her teeth. "Go wash your hands, George."
"Now listen Mother."
She looked up at him sweetly. "Yes, Son?"
"Mother --" She (he?) was saved as the klaxons sounded from the gateroom. He raced from the room and away from her. She dogged his heels, surprisingly agile for her age.
"That noise, couldn't you have a more melodic, peaceful --"
"It is an alarm, Mother," he muttered.
"Yes dear, but that doesn't mean it has to be so... so grating."
"Yes, Mother, that's precisely what it means." He winced as a vision of his alarm system blaring out 'It's a Small World' popped into his head. He stopped at the control room doorway and grinned inwardly. He pointed at a sign posted to his right. "I'm sorry Mother, but authorized personnel only. So sorry." He ran into the room shutting the door behind him.
"Oh but dear," she said pushing the door open again. "That's why I have this." She held up a plastic coated clearance pass complete with identification photo and the title 'Mother General Hammond' lettered across the top.
He couldn't speak; all he could do was shake his head. This could not be happening.
"General Hammond, Mother Hammond, I'm picking up a signal, it's SG-1, Sir."
"But their not due for hours..." he trailed off. With his day like this why should he expect SG-1 to be on time, no that would be normal and this was most definitely not a normal day. "Very well. Have medical stand by."
"Yes, Sir."
"Well my goodness," said his mother as the wave of blue swept the room. "Now I've seen everything."
Hammond turned observing his mother, in his gate room. Well, now so have I, he thought bitterly. He turned his attention back to the gate and SG-1 as they emerged from the blue. O'Neill was limping down the ramp, an arm slung around Teal'c for support. Dr. Jackson was sneezing into one of his handkerchiefs as Carter lagged behind burdened with O'Neill's pack in addition to her own.
George Hammond hurried from the control room hoping to leave his mother behind or at least divert her attention to someone else. "Welcome back, SG-1. What seems to be the problem?" (Besides my mother.)
"There was a great storm on PX--"
"The soggiest, coldest, most uninhabitable planet I have ever stepped foot upon," Jack provided sourly.
"Yes," agreed Teal'c, he continued, "O'Neill lost his footing in the mud and --"
"Fell on his ass," Daniel interrupted.
Jack glared at him. "I wrenched my knee, Sir. And Danny here got another cold."
"Yes, that is indeed what occurred, General Hammond."
"Thank you Teal'c. Okay SG-1, report to the infirmary and we'll debrief in there as soon as Dr. Fraiser checks you out."
"And wash your hands," a voice blared over the intercom.
"What the..." SG-1 looked up and saw an old lady waving down at them.
"Who's that, Sir?" Carter asked.
"Uh, SG-9 brought her here from one of the planets. She's mentally unstable and we're trying to find a suitable world for her where she won't harm herself -- or others," Hammond gushed.
SG-1 stared at him oddly.
"She's my mother," Hammond groaned.
They eyed him curiously.
"Seriously."
"What is she doing here? Uh, no offense, Sir." Carter tried to cover her shock.
"None taken and I have no idea. She just showed up this morning. With Maybourne."
"Well, nothing good can come of that."
"No, Colonel, it can't."
"George, aren't you going to introduce me to your friends?" She appeared suddenly at his shoulder.
Jack studied the mother. She was petite and looked ancient. She wore a plain sky-blue dress that went slightly passed her knees and her gray-white hair was pulled back into a ponytail. She used both hands to clutch at a gigantic purse or maybe it was a suitcase. General Hammond's mother was here, on base and ordering them to wash their hands. It was funny and he almost laughed before the thought struck him that if this was his mother (well, first off that'd be really strange because she was dead, but...) well, he decided that to laugh would most likely mean his death. The general did not look too pleased.
"Mother, this is team SG-1: Colonel Jack O'Neill, Major Samantha Carter, Teal'c and Dr. Daniel Jackson. SG-1 this is my mother." He forced a smile.
"It's an honor to meet the mother of my hero." Jack knew he was walking a thin line here but just couldn't help himself.
"Uh, yeah an honor," his team echoed. Hammond looked pained.
"Such nice manners." She beamed at them. "But let me see those hands."
"Mother, they need to get to the infirmary. Dr. Jackson is quite ill and the colonel is in great pain." He shot a hopeful look at Jack which thankfully he caught, as he moaned and leaned heavier on Teal'c.
"Oh, well, of course. You know what you need? Soup. I'm sure I can whip up some good old fashioned chicken noodle soup."
Hammond shook his head and mouthed a warning behind her back.
"Oh, I'm allergic," groaned Jack before succumbing to a fit of moaning. Hammond frowned at the over-over acting and kicked out at him accidentally hitting the wrong leg whereas Jack collapsed only saved from hitting his head on the ramp's rail by Teal'c's quick reaction. This time a real moan escaped as Jack struggled to a stand.
Daniel, enthralled with the scene turned to Hammond's mother, "I like chicken soup."
Hammond rolled his eyes and forced himself not to kick Jackson too.
Fifteen minutes later while his mother was off somewhere cooking soup Hammond stood by Colonel O'Neill's bed apologizing yet again for kicking him. "I'm really sorry, Jack."
"'S'okay, Gene -- General," he slurred.
"Dr. Fraiser, is he really supposed to be this drugged? Not that I'm complaining."
"I have five fingers," Jack stated.
"No, General, he's not. It's that new nurse," she said with a frown. "She messed up again and this time the colonel is the victim. Last week she mixed up the charts and I had to reassure Colonel Makepeace that he was indeed not pregnant, and today she misread the dosage and well..." she waved a hand in O'Neill's direction.
Carter stuck her head in the door. "Is he okay?"
"Well," Fraiser rubbed her head. "He's fine, sort of."
"Sort of?"
"He's doped to the gills but he'll be fine. He has to stay off that leg though, probably for at least a week." She watched him as he gazed in amazement at his fingers, waving them up and down. She shook her head and left the room muttering something about 'doing this all the time.'
"Hi, Carter. I have five fingers."
"Yes, Sir," she said removing them from her face. "How very nice for you."
Hammond pinched the bridge of his nose. "I can't believe this."
"I take it you're not having the best of days eh, Sir?"
"No, Major, I'm not."
"Look Colonel, you have a roommate," Fraiser said pulling back the curtain that separated the two beds. Lying on the other bed was Daniel, tissues in hand.
"Ah, no, I don' wanna be wid' him. He's a'ready mad ad me," Daniel moaned.
"Well, perhaps you shouldn't have been such an irritating patient, Daniel," Janet said amused.
"Danny!" Jack waved over at him, a sloppy grin spread across his face.
Jackson was taken back. "Whad's wrong wid him?"
"Just a little overmedicated," Janet answered.
Jack pinched his index finger and thumb together then drew them apart slowly. "Just a little bit." He laughed.
"Oh, yeah Jack, jusd a liddle bid."
Hammond's mother whisked into the room trailed by two young airmen, their arms full of only God and his mother knew what. "Soup's on! Okay you boys just set that anywhere and -- who decorated this room? What an atrocity. And look, George, there are no windows; sick boys and girls need fresh air. This won't do at all. I can't abide --"
"Excuse me, Mrs. Hammond," Janet started. "But you can not just bust in to my infirmary and take over. These men are here under my care and I will not have you here disturbing their rest. So, please, take your food and your carry-all boys and get out!"
General Hammond's smile couldn't have been wider. It was about time. He was going to give Dr. Fraiser a raise, he didn't know how he'd work it into the budget but he would. It'd be --
Suddenly Fraiser disappeared. She up and disappeared into thin air. He glanced around. "Where'd she go?"
"Where'd who go, Sir?"
"Dr. Fraiser."
"She's in the other room, Sir."
"Really? Are you sure? Because she was just here and..." No one else seemed concerned in the least. O'Neill was still playing with his fingers, Carter was sitting next to him talking with Jackson and his mother was just staring at him.
"Is there something wrong, George?"
He screwed his face up into a grimace. "Mother."
"Son."
He turned away in annoyance. She ignored him and turned to Jackson. "Look, I have soup."
"Oh, id smells wonderful." She handed him a bowl and spoon.
She turned to one of the airmen and took something from the tray in his arms. "And for you Colonel O'Neill, I have Jell-O." She placed the bowl in Carter's hands. "Here, you can feed him."
Carter took one look at The Mother and decided not to argue. "Um, Colonel, Sir?" She tried bringing a spoonful to his lips but he intercepted and grabbed the Jell-O off the spoon. It slipped between his fingers and fell into his lap.
"Oops," he said.
"Yeah, let's try that again."
"George, go wash your hands," his mother commanded.
"I have hands, they're on my fingers," Jack said, his mouth full of Jell-O.
"Yes you do sweetheart," Mrs. Hammond said patting his head. "How's the soup Dr. Jackson?"
Daniel swished it around in his mouth trying not to swallow. He nodded his head and tried for a smile. As soon as her back was turned he rolled his eyes and spit it back in the bowl.
"I told you," General Hammond mouthed.
Teal'c walked into the room pushing past the airmen. "What is that smell?" He wrinkled his nose.
"It's my soup, son. Have a bowl," Mrs. Hammond instructed shoving a rather large bowl in his hands. He leaned in for closer inspection then quickly brought his head up, as the odor became too strong. He scowled at the bowl.
"Now you boys eat up and I'll be right back. Don't go anywhere." She winked at Teal'c and exited with her two airmen in tow.
"This is indeed foul," Teal'c said to Hammond. "Why does your mother's soup smell like the volatile substances used to produce He'rong?"
Hammond shrugged. "She's made that soup since I was a kid and it's always been that... awful. I couldn't even get the dog to eat it."
"I like dogs. But dogs don't have fingers."
"Hey Deal'c, flush dis down da doilet, would ya?" Daniel asked handing him his bowl.
"Indeed."
"I have got to do something about that woman."
"That woman? Is she not your mother, General Hammond? Do you not feel warmly toward her?"
An undignified snort was all he had to say about that. "Alright people, I have an idea. Teal'c, you're trained to fight against all sorts of things. Do you think you could handle my mother?"
"You wish for me to fight your mother?"
"No, no, no," he said waving his hand absently. " I want you to keep her busy for awhile, just keep her away from me for ten minutes. You know, distract her. Do you think you could do this?"
Teal'c raised an eyebrow. "I believe so, General Hammond."
"Good, good. Okay, you people stay here. If everything goes as planned she won't bother you either."
"Hope id works, I don' wan any more of dad soup. Sam did you dasde id? Id was awful."
She smiled. "Good luck!"
"I believe we'll need it, Major Carter."
"Okay, so the deal is one hundred dollars apiece --"
"And the pie, don't forget the pie."
Hammond rolled his eyes. "Alright one banana cream pie and one hundred dollars apiece, correct?"
"You got it, Sir," Makepeace said cheerfully.
"You have met her, right? And you promise you can do this?"
The marines nodded. "Piece o'cake," one said.
"Piece o'pie," another corrected.
"Alright SG-3, remember you are my last line of defense, after this it gets ugly. Stand strong. And good luck."
"Yes, Sir, thank you, Sir," they said in unison.
Well this ought to keep her busy. Teal'c and a quartet of marines, why hadn't he thought of this sooner? He smiled as he retreated to the control room.
For fifteen minutes he had blissful peace. And then he realized that it was too quiet. His mother had been wreaking havoc on this base all morning and now... nothing. It scared him and he more than briefly considered staying in hiding but then he was the general, the commander of this base and the people on it. Whatever she was doing could not be good. So he stood bravely like the soldier he was and marched out of his haven and in to battle.
He got as far as the gate room before he saw Teal'c, his arms full of papers and colorful boxes. He began to spread out the paper.
"What on earth is going on here, Teal'c?"
"I do not know, General Hammond. Your mother instructed me to come here and lay out this paper. Of what rank is your mother?"
"She ranks right up there with the other terrorists," he murmured.
"I am sorry, I did not hear you."
"Nothing, sorry." He watched as his mother swept into the room.
"Ah, Teal'c, good boy. Thank you for following my directions. That earns you a gold star." She removed her little notebook and scribbled furiously. Teal'c and Hammond just stared at her.
"But what --?" George was interrupted as the intercom roared to life.
"E.T. phone home. I repeat, E.T. your wife wants you to phone home. Would E.T. please pick up the white courtesy phone? Thank you."
Hammond watched speechless as the little brown alien in a white lab coat emerged from a packing crate and headed up to the control room. "Too weird." Teal'c looked at him and cocked an eyebrow.
"George, go wash your hands."
General Hammond turned to leave simply to get away from her when he saw the four marines walk in They were all carrying mops and push brooms and wearing lacey aprons.
"Did you wash your hands, boys?"
"Yes, ma'am."
"Good." She clapped her hands sharply. "Alright, now I want you to all sit here in a circle. That's good. Teal'c sit down please."
"How does one sit in a circle? I do not know how."
"Oh, my. Well you just sit right here and we, as a group, form a circle."
"I understand. Thank you Mother Hammond."
"Of course. Now George, you sit your bottom down right now."
He found himself sitting even as he wanted to leave.
"Alright now let's start with you, Robert. What sound does a cow make?"
"A cow goes 'moo', Ma'am."
"Very good, Robert. Okay, who can tell me what sound a pig makes?"
"Pigs go 'oink!'" one of the marines said excitedly.
"You are such a smart boy. George, can you please tell me what sound a duck makes?"
He said nothing.
"Quit pouting George or I will send you to your room. Now what sound does a duck make?"
"Ducks go 'quack,'" he mumbled sullenly.
"That's right, ducks go 'quack.' Teal'c, what sound does a general make?"
"'Quack'," answered Teal'c.
"Excellent, Teal'c!"
Perhaps I could send her through the gate and onto some go'aould planet. One way or the other I would be rid of an enemy.
"Now we are going to learn a song. I want you to use your best singing voices and sit up straight. It starts out like this..."
Twenty minutes later they were lined up in the infirmary ready to sing. "Boys, I want you to do your best. These men have not been feeling well and it's our job to cheer them up."
She inched closer to Hammond. "George, no sulking. We are going to sing for these folks and maybe even get a romantic number going for those two lovebirds."
"What! What on earth... Mother? Who?" he sputtered.
"Shush, be quieter. Colonel O'Neill and Major Carter, of course; they belong together." She stepped back with a wink.
"Okay boys, one and two and..."
"... I am a duck and ducks go quack. Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack!" they belted out.
Luckily for Daniel he had passed out on about the twenty-second verse -- or else he was faking and no one could blame him. Carter had a bright yet utterly fake smile plastered to her face as she forced herself not to cover her ears. Jack seemed totally in to it, even bobbing his head to the very out of tune, tune. "Ducks are cool but they --"
"Don't have fingers," Carter finished tiredly. "Why don't you try and get some sleep."
"That is a very good idea, Colonel O'Neill. Go to sleep," Mrs. Hammond ordered. "I have to be going anyway."
Did she just say what I thought she said? Break out the champagne!
"I enjoyed myself immensely and I hope that the next time I visit, this base will be a great deal more organized," she paused expectantly.
"Yes, Mother," he said. Actually, he'd say just about anything to get her off this base.
"Teal'c would you please walk me out?"
"Of course."
"Oh, wait. I almost forgot the gifts."
"Gifts?"
She reached into her purse and pulled out her notebook. "Here, please hold this," she said handing it to her son. Next she pulled out a black object. "This is for Dr. Jackson, to keep his head warm." It was a black cap with large felt mouse ears, like the souvenir hats they sell at Disneyland. She settled it upon his head. Stitched across the front in gold thread was the name 'Rupert'.
"This is for Robert," she said handing him a stuffed bear. It was white and holding a pink heart to its chest.
"Uh, thanks. Ma'am."
"Your welcome." She reached up and pinched his cheek.
Returning to her bag she began rummaging deep within before eventually being rewarded with two black T-shirts. She tossed them both on Jack's bed. "These are for you two."
Carter reached over and spread out the shirt across her chest it read 'I'm with stupid' with an arrow pointing to the left and consequently to Jack. She laughed. "I like this." Then Jack spread out his own. The arrow was pointing at her. Her laughter died. "At least he's too stoned to know what it says." She mumbled something about hiding it before the drugs wore off, but Hammond didn't catch everything.
"And for Teal'c," she said passing him a wiggling lump of fur.
"What is this creature?"
Carter grinned. "Teal'c, you remember Cassie's dog?" He nodded. "Well now you have one too," Carter said.
"This does not resemble Cassie's dog. Are you sure that is what it is?"
"Yeah, they come in all shapes and sizes."
"But they don't have fingers," Jack reminded him.
Carter rolled her eyes. "Would you stop that already?"
"This is for you George. Put it on." She handed him a red and black checkered cap with furry flaps that covered his ears.
"You look like my dog," Teal'c informed him.
"Go wash your hands."
"Teal'c, when you're ready." George Hammond watched as his mother took Teal'c's arm and began skipping out of the infirmary. "Wash your hands, it's almost dinner," she called out as she left.
"George! Come on, it's dinner time!" Jack said. He waved his fingers at him. "Honey, wake up. It's dinner." Jack's face shifted and suddenly he was looking at his wife. "For a moment there, I thought you'd sleep all day. Go wash up it's time to eat," she said as she went back to the kitchen. He stood stretching. What a nightmare!
"George, honey," she called from the other room. " Guess who was on the phone? Your mother's coming to town next week, and wanted to -- George? Honey?" but it was too late, he couldn't hear her. He was dashing up the stairs hands over his ears shouting "Ducks go quack and I'm a duck, so quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack!"
© January 2001 The characters mentioned in this story are the property of Showtime and Gekko Film Corp. The Stargate, SG-I, the Goa'uld and all other characters who have appeared in the series STARGATE SG-1 together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of MGM-UA Worldwide Television, Gekko Film Corp, Glassner/Wright Double Secret Productions and Stargate SG-I Prod. Ltd. Partnership. This fanfic is not intended as an infringement upon those rights and solely meant for entertainment. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author.
Author's Note: Okay, obviously this story is just for fun. It is a nod to challenge #278 (provided below) posted at Heliopolis, but doesn't quite meet all the criteria. Feedback is not only welcome, but greatly appreciated. Enjoy!
Challenge #278
General Hammond has a visitor -- Mrs. Hammond (either his wife or mother -- you decide). And in her opinion, everything is wrong. Must include: