The television flickered once and then it shut itself off in front of the colonel. Jack rubbed his eyes and stared at the set. He didn’t remember shutting it off.
"What the-?"
Suddenly, the house rumbled and Jack found himself off his couch, flat on his face on the carpet. He shouted in surprise when he felt the house…jumped.
"Shit!" The man cursed as he felt the room spin. At first, he thought perhaps he had struck his head and was just dizzy, but he shook his head and took another look. The books, furniture, and scattered knick-knacks were sliding back and forth in his living room. The man could hear the pots and pans in the kitchen tumbling down in a thunderous crash.
Jack got up, which was a feat in itself, and staggered to a doorway. It was the best place to be in the event of an earthquake. Although, Jack thought briefly, when did Colorado have earthquakes? As he passed the window, he saw the neighbor’s cat flew by-
Wait a minute.
Jack grabbed the windowsill and took another look.
An orange tabby screeched indignantly as it flew by once more. The odd event was enough to make the colonel blink once, then twice, before thrusting his head out the window for a better look.
The house…had no ground under it. It wasn’t on top of his lawn. It was on top of a tornado.
"Oh shit!" Jack fell back in shock. "You’ve got to be kidding me!"
The house made a sound as if replying "I kid you not" and the picture frame that hung over the fireplace fell down and crashed on Jack’s head. The colonel cursed again before passing out. Before losing consciousness, Jack grumbled that he still had mortgage payments on the house.
*******************
His head…hurt.
So obviously that meant Jack was alive.
The man groaned, got up and took a good look around his living room, which was surprisingly still intact.
"An earthquake. Not a goddamn tornado. Must have hit my head and dreamt it all." Jack muttered as he staggered over to the door. He paused, tilting his head as he listened. He didn’t hear a screeching cat whizzing by in some bizarre flight pattern. He grunted, muttering again that it was a dream and opened the door to check the damage outside.
The sun was shining bright. And the sky was clear. Jack could hear birds chirping as they flew by. He could feel a warm breeze as it blew by. Only problem was…
"Where the hell am I?" Jack exploded as he took inventory of the green hills, short pastel colored huts, a strange shiny black road that stretched for miles and shiny black rocks scattered all over the ground. He took another step as he rubbed his eyes, hoping that what was before him was a hallucination derived from his concussed head.
Jack tripped.
"Oof!" The man fell face first on the ground. Groaning, he got up, spitting out blades of grass that tasted suspiciously like…licorice? He turned around to see what tripped him and froze.
Two legs dressed in metallic like boots were sticking out from under his house.
"No way." Jack gaped at the appendages. "Oh shit. I see lawsuit." He stopped, thinking for a moment. "Wait a minute. None of this makes sense. How the hell did my house…no tornado can…how he got under my…I’m dreaming this." Jack nodded to himself as he reached this satisfactory conclusion. "Yeah! I’m dreaming this! I’ll just pinch myself and wake-"
A hand reached out and pinched Jack right above the elbow. The colonel yelped, grabbed his throbbing arm, and whirred around to grab-
Daniel.
"Daniel?" Jack blurted out. Why the hell am I dreaming about him?
"Jack." Daniel returned as he studied Jack carefully. "That is you, isn’t it?"
"Yes it is…why the hell did you pinch me?" Jack rubbed the spot with a grimace. "And did you have to pinch so hard?"
"You said you must be dreaming and to pinch yourself. Thought I would help." Daniel looked at Jack, his blue eyes wide. "Are you awake, Jack?"
"Yes I’m #@%#^$ awake!"
"Oh." Daniel appeared disappointed. "So I guess you’re not dreaming then."
Jack realized that, too. "Oh crap."
"That, too."
"How the hell did you get here?" Jack demanded. "I was inside my house! Don’t tell me the tornado snatched you from your apartment and flew you to here! If so, where’s that damn cat?"
"Cat?" Daniel looked confused. "What cat? Jack, you asked me to come over for dinner, remember?"
"Oh crap." The colonel said again.
"Yeah."
"You killed him!"
The two men jumped as the tinny voice spoke up. Jack looked down and saw a Nox child staring at the legs behind him.
"You killed him!" Another cried out.
Daniel turned around and saw the legs. He paled. "Oh God-"
"Look, this wasn’t my fault. The house just…I mean…why does this seem like déjà vu?"
"You killed Ra!" Another cried out and soon, hundreds of small Nox beings came scrambling out of their pastel huts for a better look.
"Ra?" The two men echoed and stared at each other.
"You’ve killed the evil god!" The Nox cheered and started dancing around the two men in an impromptu ring around the rosy.
"Wait a minute! That’s Ra?" Jack gaped at the body crushed underneath his house. He could see his welcome mat twisted under its feet.
"Of course…we will have to arrest you now." One of them announced.
"What?" Daniel sputtered. "But…I thought you said he was evil! Shouldn’t you be…grateful?"
"Oh yes we are!" One piped up. "But murder is still bad."
"Bad."
"Yes, very bad."
"Not good at all."
"But it was an accident!" Jack bellowed. "I didn’t do it!"
"Whose house is that?" One of them wanted to know.
"Jack’s-"
"Daniel!"
"Oops."
The Nox circled them, preparing to seize them. Jack spied the staff weapon; probably Ra’s, lying there on the ground and grabbed it. He swung it around, sending the Nox screeching away, the little beings tripping over each other in their haste to escape. He grabbed Daniel by the arm and ran down the black stone road as fast as he could. The two men ran until the huts disappeared from view. When the road split into two, Jack finally stopped. Exhausted, the two men collapsed to the ground gasping.
"What…wheeze…do…we do…wheeze…now, Jack?" Daniel asked.
"How…the hell…should…I know?"
"Well, you could always get an attorney."
"Like I’m going to find an at-" Jack stopped. "Did you say that?" Daniel shook his head vehemently. The young man pointed in the direction behind Jack’s, his face very nervous all of the sudden. The colonel gripped his staff weapon tighter and turned around.
"Carter?" Jack blurted out.
"Nope. Sam." A cheerful woman in overalls was sitting on the rail of a wooden fence, waving at them. "Hi."
"H-hi…" Daniel shyly greeted back.
"Who…let me guess…you’re not Captain Carter." Jack sighed as Sam nodded happily. He was more than ever certain that it was a dream. "Okay…might as well finish this and get it over with so I can wake u-!" Jack yelled abruptly, whirling around to Daniel again. "Daniel!" Jack’s elbow was beginning to turn red from the abuse.
"Sorry. I was hoping you would wake up now and get this over with." Daniel grinned sheepishly.
Muttering about using the staff weapon, Jack turned back to Sam. "You were saying about an attorney?"
"Yes…you could always see the Advisor."
"Advisor?" Daniel repeated dubiously.
"Yep. He knows all. He could probably get you a pardon for that horrible murder you committed."
"I didn’t commit no freakin’ murder!" Jack bellowed back. Sam took it all in stride.
"Whatever. I can show you the way if you like." She grinned expectantly.
"But-" Jack knew she wanted something.
"But I want to come along with you."
Jack rolled his eyes. "Why am I not surprised? What do you want from him?"
"Oh…nothing really…just a neutron ionizer particle mixer!" Sam shrugged casually.
"A neutron what?" Jack shook his head. "Never mind." He looked at Daniel who just shook his head.
"Your decision, Jack."
"Fine. You can come with us, scarecrow."
"Scarecrow?"
"Never mind." Jack sighed as he motioned them to follow him. "I guess we follow this black something road."
"Black Naquada road." Sam supplied.
"Why am I not surprised?" Jack cast a wary look over to Sam. "Although I would have figured you asked for a brain from this…Advisor."
"Why would I? Mine’s is working fine!" The woman asked indignantly.
"Never mind. We got to find the cowardly lion next." Jack sighed again. "Why couldn’t I have dreamt of a nice safe thing like Bonanza or- Daniel!"
"Sorry."
They found…the lion.
Jack couldn’t think of anything to say. He just stared at the man dressed in a brown shaggy fur coat. "Ah…Teal’c?"
"That is me." The man bowed his head solemnly, the fur coat seemed to fluff up even more with the movement. As Teal’c straightened, Jack saw the tail behind him, swishing left and right. He swallowed, chose to ignore it, told himself that it was after all just a dream and looked at Teal’c again.
"You’re not trying to tell me you want to seek the Advisor to get some courage, are you?"
"Of course not."
Daniel grinned. "I wouldn’t think so, Jack. Teal’c? Courage? Must be something more-"
"I seek a sense of humor." Teal’c replied gravely.
"…Important." Daniel’s voice trailed off as his mouth dropped open. Sam leaned over, smiled sweetly and with two fingers under his chin, pushed his mouth closed again.
"A sense of…" Jack sighed, looked up towards the sky and mouthed "Why me?"
He looked at the three and shook his head. "Okay, I think I know how this story goes. Come on, off to the Wizard-"
"Advisor." Sam interrupted.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah."
*******************
"Oh now, this is just too cruel!" Jack gaped as the man spray painted in silver glared back.
"Colonel O’Neill!" Maybourne growled. "Why the hell are you here and why the hell am I in this ridiculous get up?"
"Because someone up there has a really sick sense of humor." Jack snapped back.
"Are you completely covered in paint?" Carter asked innocently. Daniel stared at her.
"Why in God’s name would you want to know that?"
Carter shrugged. "Hey, I’m a scientist. I’m inquisitive."
"Is this a joke I should be aware of?" Teal’c asked as he brushed back fur that kept tickling his nose.
Jack threw up his hands in disgust. "Okay Tin man! What do you want from this…this…Advisor?"
Maybourne rolled his eyes. "Why the hell should I tell you? Need to know only!"
"Need to know?" Jack bellowed as the other three cringed. "This is a goddamn dream! No! Make that a freaking nightmare! This isn’t some mission where you come in and threaten to dissect everything in sight!"
"I resent that accusation!"
"It’s true though." Carter muttered as she pretended to study her nails.
"I heard that, Captain." Maybourne turned to the woman.
"I hope so." Carter smiled sweetly as she grabbed the straps of her overalls and rocked on her heels, whistling cheerfully. "This dream stuff is quite fun. Can say anything I want here."
"Really?" Daniel looked intrigued. "Anything?"
Jack rolled his eyes. "Look…kids…and Maybourne, can we just get this over with? I want to wake up from th- hey!" Daniel pinched him again. The man grabbed Daniel by the shoulders and gave him a stern shake. "Will you stop doing that?"
"S-sorry." Daniel managed between shakings. He stepped away from Jack and hid behind Teal’c. He eyed Maybourne. "Bet I know what it is he wants." Maybourne turned red.
"Oh?" Jack glanced over to his friend. "And what is that?"
"Um…probably a heart like in the original." Daniel snickered as he watched Maybourne sputtered.
"H-how dare you?" Maybourne stalked over to Daniel, who yelped and circled around to Teal’c once more. The Jaffa, in his…fur coat, stood up straighter and looked at the silver painted man sternly.
"If you touch him you will die." Teal’c stated flatly. "Very painfully."
Maybourne paled, as if it was noticeable under all that paint, and slink away. Jack laughed.
"Thanks, Teal’c." Daniel beamed.
"Way cool, buddy." Jack thumped Teal’c on the shoulder.
Carter just gave him thumbs up.
Jack gave Maybourne one more wilting stare before waving the others to follow him down the road. Maybourne stared at their retreating backs, shook a fist at them, and then reluctantly went after them.
*******************
"You’ve killed Ra!" A voice boomed. The group halted in their tracks within a dark gloomy forest.
"Who was that?" Sam exclaimed.
Jack groaned. "Shit, I forgot that part of the story. There has to be some wicked witch here."
A figure stood on a circular board that looked suspiciously like a miniature death glider. It floated down until it landed in front of them. As soon as Jack got a good look at who it was, he fell to his knees…
Laughing.
"Oh God…" Jack tried to speak but couldn’t get enough air inside him to do anything more than stutter. Daniel burst out laughing too and he had to cling to Teal’c’s massive arm to hold himself upright. The Jaafa swayed slightly left and right as the scientist clutched at him, shaking with mirth. Sam and Maybourne just gawked at…
Apophis dressed in a black dress and pointy hat, with green face paint on him.
"This…ha ha…this…oh God, my sides…really takes the…hee hee…the cake here!" Jack howled in delight, unable to look at the sight before him without dissolving into hysterics again. "This almost…ha ha…makes up…hee hee…for that…that…jerk Maybourne!"
"Hey!"
Apophis glared at Jack. "Filthy human! This is your doing?"
"You can bet your booty this is!" Jack got up with Sam’s help. He stood there, wiping away the last of the tears, still chuckling. He had to keep his eyes away so he could concentrate on talking. "What the hell do you want?"
"You’ve killed my rival Ra!" Apophis repeated.
"Yeah, yeah. It’s over and done with. And now they’re making a movie about it. So?" Jack waved him off in irritation.
"Where is his prize?"
"Eh?" Sam and Jack looked at each other in confusion.
"His staff weapon!" Apophis pointed to the staff Jack picked up before.
"Oh God, Jack!" Daniel gaped at the weapon in Jack’s hands with horror. "You’ve plundered the dead! How could you?"
"What? Wait! No! I had to use it to get rid of the Nox!"
"You killed the Nox?" Sam exclaimed. "How could you?"
"That’s mean even to my standards." Maybourne commented smugly.
"I didn’t kill any Nox!"
"No, he just swung it around a lot, threatening to hurt them."
The group gasped.
"Daniel! You’re not helping!"
"Sorry."
"Return the weapon to me!" Apophis thundered. Jack glared at him.
"No. I found it, it’s mine!" The colonel crossed his arms and smirked at the alien. "I know how the story goes. This would probably get me home. Dorothy just clicked her heels and-" His voice trailed off.
"How are you suppose to click your heels with that thing, Jack?" Daniel reminded him mildly.
"%$^*%$@#!"
"What foul language was that?" Apophis furiously demanded. "You dare?"
Jack groaned, shaking his head. "This is one of the worst dreams I ever ha- Daniel!"
The anthropologist smiled shyly as he ducked back behind Teal’c again.
"Do that again and I’m gonna hang you upside down!"
Teal’c lifted an eyebrow at that threat.
"You know." Sam mused, "This is not getting us anywhere. Give me that." She snatched the staff weapon from Jack. With quick movements, she flipped the switch, the weapon blossomed open and she blasted Apophis. The…witch howled as the energy blast struck him and he stumbled off his flying board, his pointy hat tumbling away like a dust weed.
The rest of the group gaped at the sight of Apophis getting up, gathering up the hems of his…dress with one hand, shaking the other in an angry fist.
"You haven’t heard the last of me!" The man swore and off he ran. Jack thought he saw a pair of hairy legs peeking under the dress but he wasn’t sure and opted not to say a word. The…witch picked up his skirts and escaped, his pointy hat flying ahead of him.
"Wow." Daniel’s only comment as he noted smoke coming from the skirt hem. He wondered briefly if he should say anything but decided not to and just shrugged.
"Can we go now?" Maybourne grumbled.
Jack waved him off. "Yeah, yeah. Hold your horses."
"We do not have horses." Teal’c told him solemnly.
"Now don’t you start!"
"Start what?"
The colonel rubbed his temples wearily. "Any time now, O’Neill." He muttered. "Where’s the damn alarm clock where you need one?"
"Look, let’s just keeping following the road." Sam said finally. "The Advisor will help us all."
Jack glared at her, muttering to himself as he used the staff weapon as a flagpole. "Okay, kids and…Maybourne…follow me." And off they went.
*******************
"We’re…here…I think." Jack murmured as he eyed the tall ring that stood at the end of the road.
Sam nodded to herself. "Yup. Just go through the ring and you’ll get to see the Advisor."
Rubbing his eyes, Jack muttered. "This is the worse dream I’ve…ah hah!" Jack grabbed Daniel’s fingers before he could pinch the colonel again. The scientist yelped.
"Jack!"
The colonel glared at Daniel. "Don’t…even…try…it."
"I was just trying to he-"
"Ah ah ah!" Jack pointed at Daniel, but the young man tried to explain.
"B-but-"
"Ah!"
"B-"
Jack placed his hands on his hips, glaring at the young man, who finally took the hint and shut up.
"So," the colonel looked at the Stargate dubiously. "Just step through?"
"You know how it goes." Sam quipped cheerfully.
"Yeah, yeah." Jack scowled, taking a deep breath before stepping through the ring and-
Stumbling out, rolling down the metal ramp of SGC.
Jack yelped as he felt several bodies land on him before rolling off. He got up.
"For crying out loud! Will you people watch where you’re landing?" Jack bellowed, rubbing his shoulder with a wince. He stopped, counting heads. "Wait a minute, where’s Maybou-"
The said colonel flew out of the Stargate, tackling Jack in a tangle of arms and legs. Jack growled as he found himself face down on the ramp, again.
"Get off me!" The colonels shouted simultaneously.
Teal’c grabbed Maybourne and Daniel helped Jack up. Sam was leaning against the rail, whistling cheerfully to herself.
"Who goes there?" A voice boomed.
Sam yelped, clamping her hands over her ears, glaring at the Stargate. Teal’c lifted an eyebrow when an image of Ra wavered over the Stargate, towering over them.
Jack groaned. "Oh great! This just gets better and better."
"Who goes there?" Ra bellowed again.
"Listen!" Jack was getting sick and tired of this now. "I’m me, that’s Scarecrow, that’s Tin Man, and that’s the Lion. And that’s, "Jack frowned, realizing he had one extra. Daniel looked at Jack expectantly.
"And that’s…ah hell…you’re probably my dog Toto."
"Jack!"
"What? At least you’re not Dorothy in this dream sequence!" The older man glared at the scientist.
"Silence!" Ra boomed. "What is it you want?"
"How about a way home so this freaking’ nightmare would end?" Jack shouted back, waving his staff weapon angrily. The others nervously took a step back. "What?"
"Mind pointing that thing elsewhere, Colonel?" Maybourne asked nervously, sweating underneath his silver paint.
Jack grinned evilly but then shrugged. "Nah. Better not. With my luck, you’ll haunt me in another dream next time."
"What do you want, Tauri?" Ra bellowed over Jack’s head.
Sighing, Jack waved towards his group. "Haven’t you heard what they’ve been saying the whole time? She wants a neutron blah blah blah, he wants humor, and that walking aluminum foil there wants to be human-"
"Colonel O’Neill!"
Jack ignored Maybourne, waving him off as he continued. "And me and my…ahem…dog Toto-"
"Jack!"
"Stop interrupting me!"
The hologram wavered as eyes glowed. "Your requests are unacceptable! How dare you try to demand something from your god! I am all-powerful! I am all…achoo!"
The group looked each other. "Achoo?" They echoed.
"Never mind that! I...achoo!" The hologram flickered again.
Daniel tilted his head upward, studying the observation booth above him and noticed the shadow above. He poked Jack in the arm, who turned around about to yell at him when he looked over to where Daniel was poking at. Jack waved silently to the others, pointing to the window. The group nodded and crept up the stairs to the observation booth as the Ra hologram ranted on.
"I am all knowing! Omniscient! I…what are you doing? Stay away from there! Pay no attention to the man behind the computer! I…urk!" The hologram disappeared and light flooded the room.
Teal’c grabbed the robed figure, who squawked in mighty protest, kicking his legs, his arms flailing.
"Let go of me here!"
"So you’re the…Advisor?" Jack asked, nearly getting kicked in the face.
"Let…me…go!"
Having about enough of this, Jack yanked down the hood and his jaw dropped to the floor…well…not literally of course.
"Daniel?" Jack blurted out. He turned and gawked at the other Daniel, standing there waving at the double with a smile on his face.
"Hi!"
The Advisor was set down by Teal’c. He brushed the dust away, sneezed once more and shuffled away from Jack.
"Wait a minute!" Maybourne, as usual, was the last to get the joke. "If that’s Jackson." He pointed to the Advisor. "Then who’s he?"
"Hi." Daniel wiggled his fingers at Jack again, grinning from ear to ear. "I send you greetings from Harlan."
The entire team groaned.
"Oh great. A clone?"
"What? A clone? Jackson? Really?"
"Stop poking me! Jack, he wants to dissect me!"
"Oh let him. After you pinching me so many times, you deserve-"
"Sir!"
"Jack!"
"Kidding! Kidding!" Jack threw up his arms in disgust. He glared at the Advisor. "Well? Aren’t you suppose to send us home?"
"Um…" The Advisor whipped out his script, nodding to himself as he scanned the pages. "Oh…okay…sorry…my mistake…oops."
"Oops?" Jack snarled.
"Um…you see…I didn’t get to read the script until this morning so I didn’t get to the…um…part where I just send you home…and…well…the way home is only available for a certain time and well…er…you missed it…"
"What?" Jack exclaimed.
"Yeah…by about…um…a minute ago-"
"A minute!"
"Now Jack…calm down…there is another timeslot…"
Jack stalked over to the Advisor. The others, seeing that this might take awhile, sat down on the floor and started playing gin rummy.
"When? Jack demanded.
"Um…let’s see…a standard hiatus…including the regular season schedule…and divided by how many blue moons we will be seeing, whether the Sci-Fi channel buys the series for syndication and-"
"When?" The colonel roared louder. The Advisor jumped.
"Um…six months?"
"What?" Jack grabbed him by the shoulders and began to shake him.
"Hey! D-don’t t-take it s-so p-personally-"
"Sir? What are you doing?"
"O’Neill! Put down Daniel Jackson!"
"Jack-"
"Colonel-"
"Meow."
"Jack!"
"JACK!"
Sitting up with a gasp, Jack rubbed his eyes and stared at the set. He didn’t remember shutting it off.
"Jack?" Daniel’s worried face floated into view and the colonel yelped.
"Shit!" One hand over his chest, the older man gasped. "Daniel? Geez, give the man a heart attack why don’t you?"
"Sorry. Are you alright? You fell asleep while watching the tapes we brought over so rather than wake you, Sam said we should just leave you on the couch."
Shaking his head, Jack finally remembered. The team came over for dinner and Carter had brought over tapes for Teal’c to watch. "Where’s everyone?"
"Teal’c’s on the floor, Sam got the guest room and I took your bedroom. I heard you yelling something about a blue moon and thought I better wake you first." Daniel tilted his head, studying Jack with concern.
"Bad dream, Jack?"
"Man…tell me about it!" Jack groaned. "What a dream! You can’t believe the weird stuff I saw!"
Daniel nodded sympathetically. He rubbed his eyes with his knuckle. "I guess your neighbor’s cat yowling every few minutes or so didn’t help either."
"Cat?"
On cue, Jack could hear a low screeching echoing out into the night that made the hair on the back of his neck stand on end.
"Please tell me I didn’t hear that!" Jack groaned again, half expecting some tabby flying by his window again. "Please tell me I’m not dreaming agai- Daniel!" He shot up from the couch at the answering pinch on his elbow.
"That does it! I warned you!"
"Jack? What are you talk- Um…Jack…what are you doing?"
The colonel approached his friend with a menacing gleam in his eyes.
"Jack! Sam!…Now Jack, I was only trying to…Teal’c! Help! Jack! Put that down! Guys!"
© November 24, 1999 The characters mentioned in this story are the property of Showtime and Gekko Film Corp. The Stargate, SG-I, the Goa’uld and all other characters who have appeared in the series STARGATE SG-1 together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of MGM-UA Worldwide Television, Gekko Film Corp, Glassner/Wright Double Secret Productions and Stargate SG-I Prod. Ltd. Partnership. This fanfic is not intended as an infringement upon those rights and solely meant for entertainment. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author.