The knock sounded again, louder this time and more insistent. Jack supposed he would have to answer it. He wished whoever it was would go away. He was in no mood for company.
He wondered who'd have the bad sense to come knocking on his door on Christmas Eve. He'd turned down all his invitations. Everyone he knew who might try to override his intention to be alone had plans of their own. Carter was visiting her brother's family. Teal'c was spending his holiday leave with his wife and son in the Land of Light. So that left...
"Daniel," Jack greeted with a sigh of resignation as he opened the door. He gestured for the younger man to come inside. "What are you doing here? I mean, I thought you were going over to Catherine's."
"I am, but not until this evening." The scientist paused in the entryway to stamp the snow from his boots. "I don't know why you won't come over, too. You know Catherine and Ernest would both love you to join us."
If Daniel had stopped by to talk him into changing his mind, he'd wasted the trip. "I'd only spoil the party. I'm not feeling very merry." Jack turned and walked away, leaving Daniel to trail after him into the living room.
"It's Christmas, Jack." Earnest blue eyes scrutinized him in concern.
Avoiding the unspoken questions, Jack leaned a hand on the mantel and stared into the empty fireplace. "I know that. I don't need anyone to remind me of the date. Everywhere I look bells are jingling, lights are twinkling, carolers are caroling. I can't get away from Christmas."
"Is that what you want?" the quiet voice probed. "To get away from Christmas?"
Jack's eyes closed wearily. If only it were possible, if only he could get away... away from the reminders of the way things used to be. He remembered when Christmas was a time to be embraced and not shunned, a time when he really felt all those Christmas words like love and joy and goodwill. Now all the season brought him was pain and regret. Images from Christmases past danced through his memory: Charlie gazing awestruck at a lighted tree, whispering in Santa's ear, proudly showing off the lopsided reindeer ornament he'd made in school. Opening his eyes to escape the bittersweet scenes, Jack murmured, "I just want to be left alone."
"Jack." Daniel hesitated, then plunged ahead. "I know it's not easy, but nobody should be alone on Christmas. Trust me."
"Don't you get it?" Jack savagely pounded his fist on the mantelpiece. "I want to forget about Christmas. It was bad enough last year... facing that first Christmas without Charlie..." He choked on his son's name. Taking a deep breath, he continued, "God, Daniel, it's never easy, but some times are so much harder... this, his birthday." He took another ragged breath. "One thing got me through last year... at least I knew Skaara was safe on Abydos with you. You don't know how much it helped to have that to hang on to. This year I don't even have that now that Skaara..." He couldn't finish.
"There's still hope for Skaara." Daniel laid a consoling hand on his friend's shoulder.
Looking up, Jack tiredly met the worry-filled eyes. "I know that. I don't mean I've given up, on him or Sha're." He scrubbed a hand through his short hair. "I just don't feel up to celebrating a family holiday right now, okay? Wish Catherine and Ernest a merry Christmas for me and tell them I'll see them some other time."
With a light pat, the hand dropped back to Daniel's side. "Sure, Jack, if that's the way you feel."
"It's the way I feel." If it could be called feeling. Jack thought it was more like being numb, which he figured was just as well. He was exhausted from dealing with his feelings... or from trying not to deal with them, he wasn't sure which.
Daniel's face scrunched as if it was an effort to get out his next words. "Uh, Jack, I didn't stop by just to ask you to dinner again."
"You didn't?" Pulling himself together Jack listened to what Daniel was saying.
Once he got started it all poured out in a rush. "I- I came to ask for your help and your wheels. The marines are finishing up their Toys for Tots distribution and they ran short of manpower. I volunteered to take a load of stuff over to the Christmas party at the Front Street Homeless Shelter, but there's too much to fit in my Explorer. Can you help me deliver it?" A hopeful smile hovered on Daniel's lips as if unsure it belonged there.
"For cryin' out loud, Daniel, did you hear anything I said? I'm not going to any party."
"You don't have to stay, Jack, just help me transport the stuff and unload it. I can't get anybody else at the last minute like this and I promised. You don't have to hang around if you don't want to."
"I don't." Biting off the emphatic words, Jack looked into those beseeching blue eyes and shook his head in surrender. "How do I let you talk me into these things? All right, let's go, but this better not take long." Grabbing his coat, he followed a now widely smiling Daniel out the door.
Arriving at the collection point, he saw at once Daniel was right. There was way too much stuff for one person to handle alone. How had he ever imagined he could deliver all of this on his own? It was so like his friend to plunge in with an offer of help without thinking ahead. With a wry grin Jack pitched in, and the two vehicles were soon loaded with gaily wrapped parcels.
They drove to the shelter and pulled into the small parking area by the back door. Jack waited with the presents while Daniel went in to tell someone they were here. He returned in a moment with the beaming director, a hefty man built like a linebacker.
"Hello, hello, I'm Fred. I'm so glad to see you. You don't know how much this is going to mean to the children," the man exclaimed heartily pumping their hands.
"Yeah well, just tell us where you want the stuff," Jack said, surreptitiously flexing his fingers as soon as he could get his hand back.
"Right through here. Come in, come in. This is perfect timing, we're decorating the tree now."
"Wait'll you see it, Jack, it's a giant," said Daniel in delight.
"We've all had a grand time this afternoon making the decorations, and this will be the icing on the gingerbread so to speak."
"That's just... jolly, Fred." Jack reflected it wasn't hard to see who'd be playing Santa around here. Any moment he expected to hear ho ho ho. Taking an armload of packages, he followed Daniel and Fred through the door.
They traced a path through a bustling kitchen, while dodging staff members preparing a scrumptious-smelling dinner. People greeted them with smiles and hails of "Merry Christmas." Their progress was slowed as Fred paused to sample a dish here, exchange a word there. Finally they emerged into a large hall.
It was crowded with people from infants to senior citizens. Most of the adults were busy putting decorations up around the room. Some children were helping while others ran and played and generally got in the way. Christmas music played over loudspeakers. An enormous spruce tree stood majestically in one corner.
Fred instructed Jack and Daniel to deposit the presents next to the tree. They did so, trying to avoid tripping over the kids who raced up to see this exciting development. Their harried parents didn't have much luck holding them back until Fred's booming voice announced presents would only be passed out if the surprises were left untouched. After that the children gave up grabbing and shaking and contented themselves with pointing and guessing.
Jack noticed a small boy eyeing him skeptically. Cocking his head, he returned the serious look with a short nod.
"You don't look like no elf," the boy scoffed.
"That would be because I'm not," Jack answered in surprise. "An elf, that is."
"They told us Santa's elves were gonna bring the Christmas presents."
"Ah. I'm sure they did. I just helped with the driving." Leaning over, Jack whispered conspiratorially, "I don't think the elves have drivers' licenses. Don't let it get around. I think it embarrasses them."
The boy appeared to think this over. "What's your name?"
"Jack. What's yours?"
"Kevin."
"How do you do, Kevin." Jack held out his hand.
Kevin regarded it suspiciously for a minute, then shook it solemnly. "Merry Christmas."
"Yeah. Well, I gotta go bring in the rest of the presents."
"I can help do that," Kevin offered, "long as I don't hafta be an elf."
"I won't tell the union if you don't." Jack waved him along and they traipsed back through the kitchen.
It took several trips to unload everything. As Jack set down his final stack of packages, he looked around for Daniel. Time to make their escape.
"Oh good, an empty pair of hands. Here, hold this." A grandmotherly woman placed an armload of paper chain garland in Jack's arms. "Come along." She headed around the tree.
"Hey, wait... I'm not..." He looked down and saw Kevin shake his head.
"It's no use," he told the flustered colonel. "She used to be a teacher." He made the pronouncement as if it explained all.
Jack looked after the woman impatiently beckoning him to follow. Perhaps it did. "Oh, for cryin' out loud." He shrugged and followed her around the tree, where he fed her the garland as she wound it about the branches.
He finally spotted Daniel. The younger man had been drafted into decorating service as well, but looked much happier about it. "Look, Jack, they actually strung real popcorn. Isn't this great? Have some."
"Oh yeah. Great."
Taking no notice of Jack's unenthusiastic response, Daniel bounced from task to task, untangling lights with as much glee as he sampled the leftover popcorn. Watching him, Jack felt a reluctant grin tugging at the corners of his mouth. His friend's irrepressible Christmas spirit was contagious. When the ex-teacher swooped down on him with another job, Jack didn't even bother to put up a token resistance.
He didn't mean to be a grinch. Despite his earlier words about getting away from it, he wasn't totally anti-Christmas. He could handle short doses of it, but at times it overwhelmed him and he needed a break. The constant cheer was relentless. Jack needed space and quiet to sort through his conflicting feelings, to find a way through the loss to regain some of the peace of the holiday.
He'd begun to accept that Charlie's legacy was more than pain and guilt. He wouldn't let his son's short life be worth no more than that. That precious life had meant far too much to Jack to spend the remainder of his own considering only what Charlie's death had meant. He needed to remember and feel again the joy and the wonder and the fun as well as the hurt.
The crystal entity had told him it had felt an empty place in Jack's heart where Charlie once was, but tried to make him see that Charlie was not gone, but was still inside him. Jack could feel him there now, more as time went on, and though the loss never completely faded, the emptiness was being filled bit by bit... with the good feelings, the good memories, and even with his new life and friends.
Still, there were times the loss welled up anew and Christmas seemed to be one of those times. He'd find the quiet time to deal with it, but it no longer engulfed him to the point where all he could feel was sorry for himself. He'd probably dwelled on it enough for one day. Maybe it was a good thing Daniel had dragged him out.
He was distracted from his musings by a tug on his arm. He looked down and saw Kevin had approached him again.
For an instant, Jack saw a tow-headed boy with a smile bright as the Christmas star as he rode a new bike. The blond hair was replaced by a mass of dark braids framing a smile just as luminous in response to the simple gift of a cigarette lighter. Then light brown bangs flopped over a pair of wire-rimmed glasses on a face lit up with the excitement of exploring a new world. The vision receded and Kevin's freckles and bronze curls swam into focus.
"What've you got there?"
The boy held it out proudly. "It's the angel for the top of the tree. I made it."
Jack examined it carefully. The halo was crooked, one wing was bent, and the glitter was flaking off on one side and mixed with clumps of glue on the other. His heart went into a nose dive as he remembered a certain lopsided reindeer. "Good work," he said as he gave it back. "Very... angelic."
"I want to put it on the tree myself, but I can't reach that high," Kevin said. He gave the tall colonel an appraising look. "If someone held me up, I could."
Jack grinned. "Let's see what we can arrange." Striding across the room, he swung the boy up and held him out toward the towering tree.
Kevin reached out and hung the angel on the tiptop bough. As Jack lowered him to the floor, someone plugged in the lights. A chorus of admiring oohs and ahhs resounded through the hall.
"He needs a name," Kevin declared.
"What?" Jack asked.
"The angel. He needs a name."
"A name?"
Kevin looked at him expectantly.
Jack looked from the boy to the faces grouped around the tree. One stood out, radiantly glowing, a picture of Chrismas wonder framed by long hair and glasses.
"How about Daniel?" he suggested.
"Daniel." Kevin tried the name on for size. "Daniel's a good name for an angel," he decided.
"I think so, too," Jack smiled.
© December 1998 The characters mentioned in this story are the property of Showtime and Gekko Film Corp. The Stargate, SG-I, the Goa'uld and all other characters who have appeared in the series STARGATE SG-1 together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of MGM-UA Worldwide Television, Gekko Film Corp, Glassner/Wright Double Secret Productions and Stargate SG-I Prod. Ltd. Partnership. This fanfic is not intended as an infringement upon those rights and solely meant for entertainment. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author.