Fraiser groaned as the infirmary was suddenly inundated with injured SG-1 members. Again. Couldn’t they go on one mission without coming back broken, un-cooperative, missing-a-team-member excuses for an SG team, for crying out loud! She saw these people far too often.

"OK," she sighed as she sauntered across the room to O’Neill’s side and surveyed the damage. Broken bones again? What, do they have hammer-happy aliens out there hiding behind the gate on every planet just waiting for someone to come through so they can smash their shins in or something? Who can say?

She peered over to the other damaged visitors.

"All right. I want photocopies on all of them STAT!"

"Yes doctor," answered a nurse instinctively as she hurried off to the Xerox room before stopping and turning back to Fraiser. "Doctor, um, did you say ‘photocopies’?"

"Yes! Now go!" The nurse opened her mouth to say something. "GO!" cried Fraiser.

Concerned for both the doctor’s mental health and her own safety, she left.

The infirmary now was amass of activity. The sound of the decorative beeping monitors and machinery was overrun with commands ordered from anyone who could think of something confusing to say, words no ordinary human would understand. People ran backwards and forwards, grabbing bandages, creams, anything they could get their hands on.

After a few minutes of this flurrying confusion everyone stood back with proud, beaming faces and admired the view.

There, on three separate beds, were three separate man size bundles of bandages, with three separate panicked pairs of eyes peering out, and three separate muffled voices saying three separate, distinct words. "GET ME OUT!!"

"We need to work on our group coordination skills people," said Dr. Janet Fraiser.

***

The briefing room was silent. General Hammond at the head of the table stared blankly at Jack O’Neill. Jack did the same in return. Sam Carter stared blankly at Daniel Jackson. Daniel stared back at her. Teal’c stared at all of them, confused.

Suddenly, from amid the wide-eyed group came a shout.

"Sam blinked!" Daniel turned to the others excitedly, pointing at Sam.

"So did you, Daniel!" She said in mock sarcasm. Daniel turned back to face her and glared through his round glasses at the smirking Major.

Jack immediately used this distraction to his advantage, took a deep breath and blew at Hammond’s face. The General, unable to hold his gaze anymore, blinked.

"Woohoo!" Cried Jack triumphantly, "I win!"

"You cheated, Colonel!" Growled Hammond. "I win!"

Jack was about to argue but saw the look on Hammond’s face and instead slumped back into his chair and sulked.

"What do you say we get back to the briefing, people. Do you have any idea who shot at you?"

Teal’c rolled his eyes. Hadn’t he already been over this with him?

"We’re not sure, sir," offered Sam. "We didn’t exactly ‘see’ anybody. Just weapon’s fire coming at us from all sides."

"I see. Were the people shooting at you human?"

SG-1 exchanged ‘maybe-it’s-time-he-retired’ looks.

"We didn’t ahh, we didn’t SEE anybody, sir. So-"

"So," continued Teal’c, "as we have said, we do not know if they were human." He swivelled his chair. "O’Neill perhaps it is time we performed Mal’kin’toch for the General."

Everyone turned to Daniel.

" ‘The putting out of one’s misery’. Don’t you think that’s a bit drastic Teal’c? I mean, sure he’s dumb but I don’t think he’s in pain or anything enough to warrant killing him to put him out of his misery."

Teal’c looked coldly at Hammond.

"Did I mention anything about his misery?"

The air froze solid. No one dared to move. Hammond visibly paled.

After a minute or so the tense atmosphere was shattered by Jack’s voice.

"We may not have seen any aliens firing at us sir, but there was this one big, ugly, nasty ol’ alien guy hiding behind the stargate who smashed my shin as we ran back through the gate."

Hammond was still pale, still looking at Teal’c.

"That’s nice, Colonel. Please excuse me, SG-1. This meeting is over. Dismissed."

He stood trembling and backed away into his office and closed the door behind him.

"Huh!" Jack gazed, pleasantly surprised, at the General’s door. "Good job, Teal’c!"

Teal’c bowed his head.

"I shall remember this strategy for later use."

"Good idea," Sam said, doing just that. "But what do we do now? This wasn’t so much a briefing as it was a General running off practically crying!"

Jack thought for a moment. He had an idea. Lightning struck his head.

"OW!" Jack cried ducking his head. He cautiously moved a hand up to his smoking hair, and rubbed the pain away. "Where the hell did that come from?"

Seeing Carter and the others trying to hide a giggle he glared and moved over a couple of seats. Just to be safe.

"I assume you had an idea?" Daniel asked half concerned, but at the same time delighted at what he’d just witnessed. Jack gave Daniel a questioning look. "-The ahh, the lightning?"

"Oh, that."

I wonder if the lightning effected him at all? Daniel wondered as he watched Jack slowly scan the table.

Jack’s eyes fell upon a video camera. A grin spread wide across his face.

"Come with me."

Jack all but skipped out of the briefing room. The rest of SG1, after a quick look at each other and shrug of the shoulders, ran out after him.

***

Jack skipped back into the briefing room, collected the video camera, and skipped happily out again.

***

"Come on Teal’c. I know you can look meaner than that!"

"Indeed I can, O’Neill," said Teal’c, almost hurt. "But you have yet to explain why you have dragged us out to the mountain side dressed in these— outfits." He gestured toward his feet adorned with worn, smelly sandals; his *a’hem* waist area with a slightly undersized loin cloth and his bald head painted green with stick-on antennae.

Jack sighed. He stepped out from behind the camera he had delicately placed on a rock and walked over to Teal’c.

"It’s really very simple, Teal’c," he said with forced calm. "All you have to do is hide here behind this mock-up stargate I made." He stopped for a moment, placed a hand on the three feet tall papier-mâché ring. "Beautiful, isn’t it? Notice the fine detail on the chevrons."

"I see only black and red marker pen, O’Neill."

"That’s not the point, Teal’c. You have to look deeper. At the ‘hidden’ beauty. That’s what makes it so—"

"The POINT of this exercise, O’Neill!" Teal’c cut him off sharply. He was obviously uncomfortable. Understandably so.

"Well, we didn’t exactly get to tell the General what happened on our last mission, right?"

"Not entirely, no. We did not," he replied plainly.

"OK, so if we can’t tell him what happened, we’ll have to show him!"

A long pause followed Jack’s enthusiasm.

Daniel came forward.

"Are you saying you want us to make a movie of what happened?!"

"Yes, Danny-boy," Jack said putting an arm over Daniel’s shoulder. "Picture it—" he guided Daniel over to where Teal’c was. He held his hands up and peered through the rectangle he made with his fingers and thumbs. "The stargate horizontally cascades into life. Through it’s swirling blue ripples comes forth the stars: SG-1. Instantly upon their arrival," He whipped Daniel around so fast that he did a 360 and ended up facing the same way he had a moment ago. "Weapons fire blazes across the grassy expanse." Daniel rolled his eyes and turned to face the same direction as Jack. "And then a close up on the hero. Me. ‘Daniel, dial the gate. I’ll lay down cover fire! Save yourselves!’ ". At this point, Jack started acting the scene out. Overdramatically of course, but hey! he was the hero.

"The gate gushes forth it’s swirling vortex. ‘GO!’ cries the handsom hero, still in close up. ‘GO!’ Then stepping up behind him," he swung the ‘camera’ around for the shot and stopped with Carter in view, "comes the delicious, delectable, Major-crush-on-her-CO Sam Carter. ‘Sir! No goodbye kiss?’ Reluctantly leaving the cover fire for the war-wagingly inept Dr Jackson, the hero steps toward her and plants a kiss on her that—"

"Whoa! Back up, there, fly-boy!" Sam said pushing Jack away. He backed up with a somewhat ‘dang, so close!’ look on his face.

"I am confused, O’Neill," Teal’c confessed. "However, I have come to expect this from being in your company for so long a period of time." Jack smiled and nodded vigorously. "Though I may regret asking you this, I feel I must. Could you please explain why DanielJackson must lay down cover fire while he is the one dialling home? Where is Teal’c in this picture?"

"Teal’c, you’re not here because you can’t play you! You’ve gotta play the big, ugly, nasty ol’ alien dude who smashes my shins in as I make my heroic escape." Jack walked back to the impressive three feet tall, papier-mâché gate and ducked down. "You hide here and jump out screamin’ and yellin’ and smellin’ and attack my legs with this." He charged out wielding an elastic band, demonstrating how to attack someone with it.

"You said the attacker used a hammer. Should I then not use a hammer?"

"Teal’c. I don’t have a hammer. This is the closest thing I could get hold of." He waved the tiny rubber band in front of Teal’c’s face. "It’ll look like a hammer on camera, don’t worry."

"Why can I not play both myself and this ‘alien dude’? And why must I dress like this? The alien on the planet did not look like this, O’Neill." He looked down at the tiny loin cloth. "For one thing, she was fully clothed."

"Yea, I know that Teal’c. You can’t play both characters because you get beat up by the big, ugly, nasty ol’ alien dude. And you gotta dress like that for—because!"

"I was not attacked by this small alien girl, O’Neill. She only hit it you and it was merely an accident that she hurt your leg."

"No Teal’c! No! SHE was a HE! A big, ugly, nasty ol’ alien dude. With a hammer the size of your leg! Got it?! I wont let everyone on base know I was accidentally badly hurt by some girl trying to catch her escaped pet spidery thing! For crying out loud, what would that do to my image?! Do you have any idea the jokes that would circulate?"

"So it is to your benefit we make the attacker bigger, meaner and stronger than you?"

"You got it."

"And my being in this outfit benefits me how?" Teal’c fixed him with a menacing glare.

Jack gulped and took a step backwards.

"Easy there, fella. It’s just for aesthetic emphasis. You look great." He smiled his best sincere smile. Teal’c’s frown deepened. Jack tried another tactic. "This is how they do it in Hollywood."

"Sir," pleaded Sam. "Why can’t we just hand in our reports? They’ll have all the detail and need-to-know in them. General Hammond reads all our reports anyway. Why torture him with all this?"

"And us," murmured Daniel to himself.

"Because Carter,—"

"Yes, sir? Because what?"

"Just because." He folded his arms across his chest, lifted his head and stood tall, proud. Carter knew that meant ‘end of discussion’.

Sam shook her head and walked back to Daniel’s side and turned just in time to catch a glimpse of the Colonel sticking the tip of his tongue out at her back.

"You’re so immature!" She placed her hands on her hips and silently dared him to do it again. He didn’t. Instead he just grinned, spun round on his heal and started making his way back to the camera.

Sam stuck the tip of her tongue out as he walked off.

"Careful, Major," he called back without turning, wagging a finger. "Careful."

Daniel couldn’t help but smile. OK, Jack was a pain, but he could let a little insubordination go. Daniel felt that’s what made them all closer. Made them friends. He heard Sam’s attempt to stifle a giggle. Yeah. No matter what happened, they could always at least laugh together.

"First places, people!" Called Jack.

Daniel and Sam approached the mock-up stargate. They both stopped and looked down at the three foot ring. Looked at each other. Looked back at the ring. Then in unison cried:

"JACK!"

"What?" He asked poking his head up over the small rock. "What’s wrong?"

"You’re outstanding ability to not see the blindingly obvious. It’s quite breathtaking, sir."

Jack’s expression didn’t change.

"What’s wrong?" He asked again.

"Jack, you’re an idiot." Daniel said as he grabbed the bridge of his nose between forefinger and thumb. "This thing is three feet tall."

"Ahh, yeeeah."

"We’re not."

"Oh."

Teal’c sat down on a nearby rock, sighing. Suddenly feeling the breeze and remembering the loin cloth he slammed his legs together and leaned forward. He listened to the banter between his team mates.

"I am not crawling in the mud through that thing, Jack!"

"Oh, come on Danny. Loosen up!"

Another breeze forced Teal’c to try and find a more comfortable position to sit in. He hadn’t really noticed until now just how cold and uncomfortable rocks could be.

"YOU do it, then!"

"I can’t do it. I’m directing!"

"Well, how can you appear on the planet and have all those hero close ups if you don’t go through the gate, huh? Huh?!"

Teal’c had never wanted a pair of trousers so badly in his life.

"Come on, sir. You go first. You don’t want to miss being the hero do you?"

A long silence.

"Oooh, fer cryin’—"

Teal’c readjusted himself as another gust of wind hit.

"I’ll get the camera!" Daniel squealed in delight.

"Do you know how to use that thing, Danny?"

Damned wind!

"HEY!"

Damned rock!

"Jack, come on. Get back there!"

"Nu-uh. You’ll break that thing! Hand it over!"

It was going to be a long day.

***

All was quiet in the briefing room. The lights had been turned off. Hammond sat at the head of the table. Jack and Daniel on his left, Sam and Teal’c on his right. Sergeant Davis on his lap.

"INCOMING TRAVELER!" Yelled Daniel behind his hand. Immediately Davis shot up and ran down the steps to the control room looking at his pocket watch and muttering something about being late.

"Thank you, Dr Jackson." Hammond said rubbing his thighs.

"You’re welcome, sir," replied Daniel between giggles.

Hammond returned his attention to the projection screen. He cocked his head on one side as he saw someone empty a glass of water in front of the horizontal camera and promptly turn it back the right way up. The camera focussed on a grey hoop shaped sculpture. Through it came crawling a slightly annoyed looking Jack O’Neill. He stood up legs apart, hands in fists on hips, head turned to the side, chin jutting forward. Classic superhero stance. He started to say something, but there was no sound.

"Why is there no sound?"

"Well, sir, it’s a long story," he continued as a giggling Major Sam Carter crawled through the ‘stargate’. "Let’s just say Daniel, Carter, me, a camera. Piggy-in-the-middle, sir."

"You know that’s my camera don’t you, Jack?" Hammond asked

"Yes, sir."

The camera cut off abruptly. Hammond opened his mouth and was about to inquire when the picture came back— slightly different than it had been a moment ago.

There stood Sam. Daniel was now crawling through the gate, but in place of O’Neill was a stick with his jacket draped over it and his cap balanced on top. Hammond shut his mouth. He didn’t want to know.

There seemed to be some commotion and Sam rushed over to the three foot ring and tried to help Daniel get free of the sagging gate.

"Rain, sir." He said giving Jack the evil-eye. "Rain and papier-mâché. Not a great combination."

"No, I don’t suppose it is," the General agreed.

Teal’c sneezed.

"Do you have a cold, Teal’c?" Hammond frowned. Teal’c simply clenched his jaw and looked darkly at Hammond. Instantly the General’s attention was returned to the screen.

They continued to watch in silence for a while. Something started flying across the screen. Thousands of tiny little multicoloured—

"Are those sprinkles, Colonel?"

"Yes, sir."

Hammond raised an eyebrow in question.

"Weapons fire, sir. We didn’t have any of their energy weapons so I er, I improvised."

"I admire your resourcefulness, colonel."

Next scene was extreme close ups of Jack as he was screaming and shooting and looking like a mad man.

"‘Shave the shelves’?" Hammond queried.

"‘Save yourselves’, sir. See, this is part where I was prepared to sacrifice myself for the good of the team, sir and the close ups HAD to be in there. It just wouldn’t have allowed for any real connection with my situation if I weren’t in close up, sir. I thought it was necessary and knowing how handsom I am and how much I—"

"Thank you, Colonel. I’ll just watch the screen if that’s all right with you."

Jack looked hurt and settled down in his chair.

He found an interesting spot on the table that needed to be investigated. And so he leaned over and began poking at the spot.

"What in God’s name is THAT?" Gasped Hammond as Teal’c looking very tired and very wet and very cold sauntered out from behind the mush gate and began flicking an elastic band at O’Neill.

"That’s the big, ugly, nasty ol’ alien dude who broke my leg, sir!"

He wondered just what Janet had done to mend his broken leg so quickly. He reasoned it must be the writers strange, twisted mind. Just accept the fact it’s mended, he told himself looking away from the fascinating spot to face the screen.

"Teal’c," Hammond said quietly leaning towards the Jaffa. "I’ll help you get him back for that outfit if you like."

Teal’c bowed his head.

"I would appreciate that, GeneralHammond."

The rest of the movie was over in no time. Going back through the gate was interesting to say the least. The movie stopped. The lights came back on which made Daniel frown. He hadn’t pressed the button for the lights yet.

"That was very, ah," Hammond struggled to find the word. "Imaginative."

Jack beamed.

"But I’m afraid I have some bad news, folks."

This peaked everyone’s interest.

"Bad news sir?" Jack asked.

Hammond gave them a wry smile.

"My superiors want to know what happened on that last mission."

"And what’s so bad about that?" Daniel asked frowning.

The General stood up and walked over to the projector and took out the tape.

"I’ll have to let them see this tape."

"WHAT?!" They screamed. Apart from Jack who looked quite excited.

"Why are you looking so smug, Jack?" Daniel jabbed. "You really want them to see that tape. The camera shot from your bad side?!!!"

Jack froze.

"No. NO! Sir, there has to be something else you can do!!"

"I’m sorry, SG-1, but this tape is going to the president."

"No way is that tape going to Washington! Sir!"

Hammond giggled "Oh, yes it is!" and started to run around the table waving the tape in the air as SG-1 one ran in hot pursuit.

"HeheheahahaAHAHAHAAHAHAAAAAAAAAA!"

Hammond made a bee-line for the control room. Followed closely by a few terrified yet laughing cries of "GET HIM!"

~end~

Next time: Teal’c and Hammond get revenge

Author’s Notes: It’s not my fault. This story just happened. Giggly mood, blank word document and a keyboard at my finger tips… I couldn’t help it.

© June, 2002 The characters mentioned in this story are the property of Showtime and Gekko Film Corp. The Stargate, SG-I, the Goa'uld and all other characters who have appeared in the series STARGATE SG-1 together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of MGM-UA Worldwide Television, Gekko Film Corp, Glassner/Wright Double Secret Productions and Stargate SG-I Prod. Ltd. Partnership. This fanfic is not intended as an infringement upon those rights and solely meant for entertainment. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author.