Opening the door to her patio, Samantha Carter, pulled the blanket around her shoulders a little tighter as the cool morning air washed over her. In her PJ’s, she shivered a little, all the while moving out onto the deck and sitting in one of the Adirondack chairs she’d spent months building between missions. Painted a rich chocolate brown and accented with burgundy and emerald green pillows, the chairs were a source of pride. She had finished them in the few hours of time off she managed to get each week, and piece by piece, they had slowly come together over a space of two months. The chairs now adorned her deck and she loved to sit and watch the sunrise when she was on Earth.
Sitting out here in the predawn silence, it was as if the world was holding its breath, waiting for the sun to announce the start of another day. As shafts of light began to warm the horizon, Sam could hear signs of life stirring about her. There was her neighbor Molly, quietly calling for her dog, Pete, to come back into the house. Dave, her husband, yelled that the coffee was on and he was heading for the shower. She could also hear the sounds of sirens in the distant, and the rumble of the traffic on the parkway.
A symphony of birds began to chirp welcoming the predawn light, and Sam watched the horizon slowly changing, from the blues of night to the glorious pinks, golds and oranges of the beginning day. High clouds adorned the sky, and as the sun started to edge its way into the heavens, they were caught in the ever-changing palette of the Colorado sky.
Sam was troubled and had been since being kidnapped by Adrian Conrad and his goons. Although she knew the Goa’ulded Conrad was gone and not likely to bother her any longer, she continued to have nightmares, the very reason she was up at 04:30 this morning.
She had awakened to find herself huddled in a corner, heart racing, shaking uncontrollably, her body drenched in a sweat which quickly began to cool, causing shivers to be added to the shaking. Awareness had come to her, along with nausea, and she’d run for the bathroom, barely making it. Vomiting up her dinner from the previous night, she’d heaved until there wasn’t anything left, leaving her breathless and trembling. Slowly, she’d realized she was safe and the racing of her heart had slowed, along with her breathing.
This was not the first time she’d been awakened by visions of Conrad, and her impending death. The dreams varied; in one, Conrad holds the Goa’uld in his hand and threatens to make her a host. In another, Conrad puts his hands around her throat, choking her. There was also the one where she was injected with a poison in an attempt to kill her.
Tonight, however, it was the dream of the creepy doctor who decided to fondle and violate her. In this nightmare, the man had cut her shirt and bra and had fondled her breasts, pinching her nipples. He had then removed her scrub pants and stroked the most intimate part of her, violating her, penetrating her with his fingers. In her dream, she felt him hurting her and she pleaded with him, unsuccessfully, and then kicked and thrashed, bucking, trying to fight him off. But he had tied her legs to the gurney, tighter and had started to remove his clothes. She had awakened from the nightmare before he had a chance to complete the rape.
Now, plagued with these frequent nightmares of the kidnapping, feelings of insecurity lived with her. Her rescue by SG1 was timely, but for her, not timely enough. She was thankful her team had found her, she just wished it had been sooner.
Getting up from the bathroom floor slowly, she had rinsed her mouth and brushed her teeth. After washing her face, she had moved back into the bedroom and pulling a blanket off the bed, wrapped it around her shoulders.
Making her way into the kitchen, she had turned on all the lights in the house and decided to make a cup of tea. She knew she had to get a handle on this, but she felt stupid for letting it continue to bother her. Afraid to discuss it with Janet for fear she would be sent off to MacKenzie, she also had a sense of trepidation when her thoughts turned to the idea of approaching one of her teammates.
Her logic told her that her friends would help, but there was also a part of her that wanted to detach herself from the incident. That same part told her that she was safe, not to worry, that Conrad was gone. But deep down, she was terrified that if Colonel O’Neill, Teal’c and Daniel knew what had really happened, they would somehow lose respect for her, and would think less of her.
She knew her emotions were fragile right now, but it seemed, talking about it was not the answer for her. She was afraid it would make it all a little too real, that it would become a part of her. And that meant she would have to admit she was as exposed as the next person. The possibility scared her to death.
It overwhelmed her at times because she had trained, trained hard, and knew every self defense technique the military and a certain Jaffa could teach her. In the field with her team, she was valued for her skills and knowledge, having saved their collective asses on more then one occasion.
In the past, there had always been an unspoken expectation to perform better then her male counterparts, that her skills being equal weren’t good enough. After all, she was Air Force, she was a major and with this attack, there an unseen pressure, even if it was only in her head, to be unaffected by the trauma. Being a female member of the military, the reality was, that a woman was more vulnerable then her male counterparts.
Throughout her career, Sam had frequently been faced with the bias of her gender, with some men in the Air Force making an issue of something where there shouldn’t have been one. She had just wanted to follow in her father’s footsteps and serve her country. But that didn’t seem to matter because... she was a woman
If all that wasn’t demanding enough, she also had the added pressure of an Air Force General for a father. Exacting, Jacob Carter had pushed her to be the best, and had never settled for less. When she had made mistakes in the past or chosen a path of which he didn’t approve, she’d been able to sense his displeasure. That feeling of disapproval had been like a rejection and it had hurt, deep within her. She had since come to an understanding with her dad and knew he was proud of her. Now they worked together, often, fighting a common enemy, and she frequently felt his awe and respect for her skills as a soldier, an astrophysicist, and a member of the SGC.
But, in the weeks since she had been rescued by her teammates, she had slept little, and it was beginning to show. She would have to be blind not to see the dark circles that stared back at her each time she looked in the mirror. Although she could cover the lack of sleep with makeup, she couldn’t hide her weight loss. When Janet had mentioned it during a check, she had sidestepped her doctor and friend by saying she was trying to take off a few pounds.
Sam told herself all the right things, such as she was safe, that the kidnapping was an aberrency. But her sense of personal comfort and freedom had been compromised. She’d had an alarm system installed at her house, something she’d never felt was needed before. She continuously checked and double checked her car to make sure it was empty before entering. There was pepper spray on her keyring and she’d started to carry a hand gun. Having had a permit for it for years, she had never felt a need to take it from the house where it was normally locked in a drawer.
Now, however, she was scared. Frightened by the sudden abduction, Sam jumped at the smallest sounds, looking over her shoulder for threats, and found herself afraid to go out alone. She had conned Daniel into going grocery shopping with her, Janet into carpooling whenever possible, and she had invited Teal’c to spend the night at her house for dinner and videos so many times in the last three weeks, that even the Colonel was becoming suspicious.
It was hard for her to travel anywhere alone, especially at night. She felt the safest when SG1 was off world which was hideously ironic. General Hammond had offered her some time off after the kidnapping but, too afraid to be by herself, she had turned it down, citing her workload.
Now she sat on her back deck wondering if life would ever be the same, if she would ever have some sense of normalcy again. Hearing the sound of a car door slamming, she jumped and suddenly felt exposed. Getting up, Sam quickly moved back into the house, locking the patio doors, checking them a second time and resetting the alarm.
~~**~~
Hunched over the newest Naquadah reactor, Sam was trying to fine tune the digital readouts and get it ready for transport to Alpha site. She didn’t hear the soft footsteps that approached her from behind.
All of a sudden, there were hands on her arms, pulling her off balance. Twisting, she attempted to free herself, using one of the many self defense moves she had been taught over the years. But every move she made was countered with one by her attacker.
A second set of hands joined in the struggle to subdue her. Opening her mouth she tried to yell for help, all the while wondering where security was and why an alarm hadn’t been sounded. Turning her head, a hand clamped down on her mouth, and as this happened, she saw that the red light from the security camera was out. Now one was watching, no one could see that she was being attacked.
She heard a grunt as she bit the hand covering her mouth and as it was pulled away she yelled, hoping someone from one of the other labs would hear her.
“Get off me, let me go. Help someone.”
Her loud cries were again cut off as the hand returned, pressing hard against her mouth, hurting her. Biting hard again, the hand released her mouth, only to suddenly turn her towards the door. Silhouetted by the hall light, face in the shadows, she saw a dark figure.
Held immoble, the man moved slowly across the room, his face coming into view. She began to shake as Adrian Conrad approached, syringe in his hand. Heart racing, breathing hard from her struggle, she tried to back away from her nemesis, but unable to as strong arms continued to hold her in place.
“Thought you could run, could get away from me. Well, I still need the secrets your brain holds.” The sing song chanting coming from Conrad frightened her, but she looked him in the eye.
“Do you really think you can get me out of the mountain, undetected?”
“I got in, didn’t I? Your mine Major Carter. You cannot escape.” The guttural sound of Conrad’s voice was frightening as the Goa’uld laughed at her fear. His eyes flashed as he moved in closer, bringing the syringe up. Injecting it’s contents into her neck, Sam felt the pain of the drug burning, causing her to catch her breath.
“Stop it! Stop! Someone help me, please. Someone. Colonel, Daniel, Teal’c!” Sobbing, she tried again. “ Please help me. Please.” As she screamed, her voice became hoarse. Crying, she again called for help.
“Help me, please. Help.” Tears were running down her face and she was losing the ability to stand. Conrad began to laugh hysterically, but the sound began to fade as the drug took hold.
“Help me, someone. Please, please.” Tears falling from her eyes, she mumbled the last.
“Sam! Sam, wake up! Come on, Sam. Wake up.” Startled, she opened her eyes, feeling a hand on her shoulder, shaking her gently, a familiar voice urging her into consciousness.
Lifting her head from the desk in her lab, Daniel’s concerned face floated into view.
“Hey, that must have been some dream. You OK?” Daniel rubbed her back, and then turning her, pulled her into his arms. “I got you.”
Still shaking from her nightmare, Sam allowed him to hold her, secretly thankful that her friend was here. As she calmed down and her tears dried, she pulled back, and turned away, embarrassed about him seeing her cry.
“You want to talk about it?” Daniel continued to rub her back in slow circles, calming her even further.
“No, I’m okay. Just a dream.” Her voice didn’t sound convincing, even to her own ears.
“Sam, are you sure you’re OK?”
“Fine, really Daniel. Just a little tired. Lot of work to do, you know.”
“How about we get out of here and get some dinner.”
The last thing she wanted to do was eat. She was nauseous, still feeling the after effects of her nightmare and embarrassed at being found by Daniel.
“No, I think I will just head home.”
“Okay. Hey, I’ll stop for some take out and we can spend the evening together watching old movies. That sound all right with you?”
Sam knew Daniel would keep after her and truth be told she didn’t want to go home to her dark house alone. Nodding, she agreed to meet him at the surface gate in 15 minutes.
As Daniel walked out of her lab, Sam scrubbed her face and ran her hands through her hair. These dreams had to stop.
~~**~~
It was 1400 and Sam sat at a table in the commissary, not eating her lunch. She had come down her to avoid the questions that were sure to arise if she continued to avoid the place.
When dressing that morning, she’d had to take her belt in another notch and she knew it was because of her lack of appetite. Daniel had not mentioned it the other night but she knew he’d noticed that she had only eaten a small amount of the dim sum and noodles he’d brought.
She felt too tired and uninterested in eating most of the time, and every night she went home to an empty house and to the fear that seemed to become more and more magnified as time progressed. Her nights had become one of nightmares and insomnia and she knew it was beginning to show.
“Carter?” Sam jumped at the voice of her commanding officer. “You eating that or starting a new science project?”
“Sir?” Sam was startled out of her reverie to find Colonel O’Neill standing next to her table, coffee cup in hand.
“I know it isn’t O’Malley’s, but it usually is somewhat edible.” Her CO nodded his head towards her plate.
Looking down, Sam saw that the salad was beginning to wilt and the grease from her French fries had congealed.
“I, uh, I guess I’m not very hungry, sir.” Pushing her plate away, Sam reached for her iced tea and took a sip. “Just heading back to the lab. Working on that artifact that SG14 brought back.” Standing, Sam picked up her glass intending to take it with her as she made a quick exit.
“Sit down, Carter. Keep me company while I have my coffee.” Sam hesitated and then, reluctantly, sat.
“So, Sam. How are you feeling?” Sam tensed at his question, feeling a bolt of anxiety at his use of her first name.
Putting on her best puzzled look, she hoped her nerves didn’t show. “Fine, sir.”
“Is everything all right? Anything you want to talk about?” Sam saw that Colonel O’Neill was not fooled.
“No Sir. Not that I know of.” Sam looked away, unable to meet her friend’s eyes.
“Why do I have the feeling there is something you’re not telling me?” Sam glanced at her CO and saw him looking closely at her.
Seeing his intent stare, Sam had a moment of doubt. Did she dare say anything? She knew she could trust him but ..........No, this was her team leader and he needed to be able to count on her. And she needed to be able to handle this without his help. Talking about it would only make it harder to forget.
“There’s nothing, sir. Umm, I really need to get back to the lab. I have to finish my analysis before the 1700 briefing this afternoon, sir. I’ll just be going.” Getting up quickly, Sam left for her lab, leaving her team leader staring after her with a worried look on his face.
~~**~~
Alone in her lab at this late hour, the SGC quiet, Sam sat in front of her computer reviewing some lab reports from a geological survey recently conducted by SG10. She had just a few more pages and she could call it a night.
As late as it was, she would just crash in her on base quarters. She had a meeting at 0800 with the same SG10 to review her findings and give her recommendations regarding P4H-990.
She actually had finished this report the day before and if she were honest with herself she didn’t want to really go home. She slept better on base, and she knew it was because she felt safer then in her own house.
Rubbing her hand through her hair, she sighed in frustration. Leaning an elbow on the desk, she cupped her head in her hand and closed her eyes, suddenly feeling overwhelming grief and pain at her loss of personal sense of safety.
Sitting there, tears starting to pool in her eyes, she thought of the consequences of Conrad’s desperate bid for life. He was now implanted with a Goa’uld and was running around loose on Earth. She supposed that is one of the reasons she continued to feel threatened. He knew where she lived, and knew she had access to the Stargate. What was to stop him from coming back for her?
Hearing footsteps in the hall, Sam looked towards the door, expecting Daniel to come walking in. Suddenly the sounds stopped, puzzling her. Who was out there? Why hadn’t they come into her lab or passed her door?
It was probably nothing, she told herself, but her anxiety escalated. Sam, knowing she was most likely over-reacting, still reached for the heaviest object she could find, a beautiful ceramic bowl, given to her by Daniel, after she had admired the one he had in his home. He had found it on one of their missions, and with the General’s permission, had cleaned it up and presented it to her for Christmas last year.
The beautiful greens and golds reflected now in the lights, as she stealthily crept across the room to the door. Without warning, two men entered her lab. grabbed her and pulled the bowl out of her hands, dropping it to the floor, shattering it.
Struggling against her attackers, she kicked and punched, landing some solid blows. But, despite that, they soon had her restrained.
“Conrad is looking for you. You got away from him before he was done with you. Now you’re coming with us. Fight, and it won’t go easy for you.” With the shadows hiding their faces, the whispers of the man now holding her from behind sent a bolt of stark terror cascading down her spine.
“Come on, lets have some fun first. Get her clothes off.” The second attacker had been checking the hall. As he turned back, the hall light reflected on his features giving Sam a glimpse of his face. Rigid with fear, she tried to get away as the doctor from her nightmares, placed a black cloth sack over her head. Oh God, what is he doing here? He was in jail, wasn’t he?
Blind now and terror escalating, Sam began to struggle once again in ernest. “Let me go, Help, somebody help! Stop, no, no! You can’t do this! Let me go! Let me go!”
Feeling hands on her, pulling at her clothes, she began to scream and cry, tears running down her face. “No, no. Not again! Please, not again!” Her screams subsided into sobs, as hands pulled at her clothes.
“MajorCarter! MajorCarter! Samantha.” A voice, Teal’c’s voice. What? Blinking, she saw she was in her lab, still sitting at her desk, and although several of her files had been knocked to the floor, the ceramic bowl still held its place of honor. Teal’c was there, gently shaking her.
“Uh, Teal’c?” Embarrassed by the tears, Sam dropped to the floor, collecting her displaced papers. As Teal’c knelt beside her, helping, she stood, turned away, looking for a tissue, nausea assaulting her system. “Sorry.”
“MajorCarter, are you well?” Teal’c stood and placed her files back on the desk, the concern in his voice was quite evident.
“I’m fine, Teal’c. Just a little tired. Excuse me.” Leaving the Jaffa, Sam bolted for the nearest bathroom, intent on not losing what little she had in her stomach in front of her friend. What she didn’t see was the look of concern that followed her.
Exiting the bathroom twenty minutes later, Sam was surprised to see her Jaffa teammate waiting for her.
“MajorCarter, I believe I should accompany you to the infirmary.” Teal’c placed a hand on her shoulder, encouraging her to go with him.
“No, I’m fine. Really, Teal’c.” What Sam didn’t need was Janet and her nurses right now. Her hold on her emotions was tentative at best and if given any sympathy, she might completely break down.
“MajorCarter, you were crying and you have been ill. I think Dr. Frasier would think me remiss if I did not take you to see her.” Sam could see Teal’c looking at her closely, and she could see he was worried.
“Really, it’s okay, I’m fine, Teal’c. I just need some sleep. I think I will just head for my quarters.”
“Perhaps, if I might suggest. Why not join me in Kel-No-Reem? DanielJackson has often stated that it clears his mind and allows for a more restful night.” Sam had meditated with Teal’c once or twice in the past. but had never made a habit of it as Daniel had. It /had/ helped her relax when she had participated. Maybe....maybe she would sleep better. And she knew she couldn’t be any safer then with Teal’c.
“Thank you, Teal’c.”
~~**~~
Late, Sam entered the gateroom seeing her team was there waiting for her. She’d huddled in the corner of her couch after waking from another nightmare. It had crossed her mind to call Daniel and ask him to pick her up on his way to the mountain. But as she had relaxed and her heart had slowed down, the fatigue of too little sleep in too long a time had stolen over her and she had dropped off.
The sound of the phone ringing had awakened her to Daniel calling to ask if she was okay. He had gone to her office to ask her a pre-mission question and, finding her office dark, had discovered that she had not come in yet.
She’d made a mad dash to the mountain, dressing and making the trip in 30 minutes, a record even for her. Having only been late a couple of times in the last few years of service to the SGC, she knew she would not live this down for a while. Colonel O’Neill would bring it up at every opportunity, reminding her of her lack of punctuality, teasing her mercilessly. In the back of her mind, Sam had a sense that if that was all that came out of this little blip, she’d be lucky.
“Glad to see you could make it, Carter. Hope we aren’t keeping you from anything too important.” Colonel O’Neill smirked at her, knowing just how to irritate his Major.
“No sir. Sorry Colonel. Won’t happen again, sir.” Sam saluted and adjusted her straps, set on getting down to business.
“Lighten up, Major. Not a problem. You gave Daniel time to look up a couple more references and most likely pack a couple more books to take along. Right, Dannyboy?” Sam saw the twinkle in her team leaders eyes as he turned his attention to the archeologist. Breathing a sigh of relief, she realized she had slipped in under the radar once again.
As the team turned to watch the gate dial their destination, she didn’t see the looks of concern exchanged between the male members of SG1.
~~**~~
“Ah, trees.” Sam heard the Colonel utter his favorite phrase as they stepped through the event horizon onto P5C-134. As she took up a defensive position, she could see a wonderful forest of what looked like oak. With branches spreading wide, the majestic trees stood as if they were guardians of the gate. They were beautiful and already knowing from the UAV reports that there weren’t any signs of current habitation within 50 miles of the gate, Sam breathed a sigh of relief. Safe, at least for the next two days. Or at least as safe as she could be.
“Okay, which way Carter, Daniel?”
“This way, about ten klicks, sir.” Pointing straight ahead, Sam moved off towards the treeline.
“Teal’c, take point.” As SG1 headed for the ruins that had shown up on the preliminary survey, they fell into their familiar routine, developed over the years, one that gave Sam a sense of comfort.
Falling into step behind the Jaffa, Sam felt her weariness all the way to her bones, and wondered if she would be able to last the day. The weight of her equipment, pulled at her shoulders, making her feel as every step was like pulling her feet through mud.
Intent on keeping up though she tried to concentrate of her teammate’s back and not getting too far behind him. She only had to make to the site. There she could do her work which didn’t require a lot of physical effort. Collecting samples would keep her busy until time for a dinner of MRE’s and then bed.
Right now though, she just had to keep walking, and keep up with Teal’c.
~~**~~
SG1 arrived at the site, thankful the trip had been uneventful. It had taken them four hours to make the journey, stopping for a couple of breaks on the way.
“God, It’s beautiful, Daniel.” Sam was standing in front of what appeared to be a Grecian temple, sort of a mini Acropolis. Beautiful columns rose from the forest floor, set there long ago to support a roof which had over time had collapsed.
Sam could see Daniel fingering the columns, looking at the script, trying to evaluate its origin. As she sat on a boulder nearby, Sam felt like she had been on a 25 mile forced march, instead of what had essentially been a stroll through easy terrain in perfect weather. She was exhausted and if she didn’t stop soon she might fall. Tapping into her reserves, she knew it would be a while before she could collapse and rest.
“Yeah, beautiful. Sam, look at this. I think this is writing of the ancients, mixed in with some Aramaic and ancient Greek.. Wow! I need to get this on film.” Daniel’s excitement felt warm, familiar and Sam relaxed.
~~**~~
“Carter?” Colonel O’Neill’s voice sounded tinny on the ear mike.
“Carter here, sir.”
“Head on back to camp. Let’s call it a day.” Sam could hear Daniel protesting in the background.
“Sir, I have a few more samples to get.”
“How long, Carter?” All night her mind yelled. She wanted to sleep, but was afraid. Being awakened by a nightmare again this morning had really scared her.
“Um, 30 minutes, sir.”
“Okay, but not a minute more. We will have all morning tomorrow to finish up.”
“Yes sir.” Turning to Teal’c she could see that him nod as he went back to standing guard. Although most likely unnecessary, they had all learned to be watchful and vigilant even on what appeared to be the safest planets.
Feeling secure with her Jaffa companion, Sam went back to collecting samples, dreading the night to come. But, she was exhausted if the truth were known.
This was only their second trip off world since the kidnapping, and on the first trip she had indeed had another nightmare. But luckily enough, no one had heard her, what with Teal’c on guard duty and not in the tent at the time. She hadn’t slept anymore that night, afraid of a repeat performance of her psyche. She hoped tonight the demons took a holiday.
A few minutes later, Sam heard her CO’s voice over her ear piece as her radio cracked to life. “Carter, Teal’c. There’s been an accident and Daniel’s injured. ” Throwing her sample containers in her case, she heard Teal’c acknowledge the transmission and ask about their teammates condition.
“He’ll live but he requires some medical attention.”
“Acknowledged, O’Neill. We will arrive in ten minutes.” Sam and Teal’c started jogging towards the campsite. A 20 minute walk normally, she knew they could make it back sooner if they hustled. Following the Jaffa, Sam concentrated on keeping up and not letting her fatigue hold her back.
Arriving back in camp a few minutes later, Sam could see Daniel laying, propped up, on his sleeping bag with Jack next to him, trying to clean off his injuries.
“Ouch, that hurts.” Sam relaxed, if Daniel was complaining, he wasn’t hurt very badly.
“Carter get over here and see if you can talk some sense into Daniel. He won’t let me get him cleaned up.”
“That’s right, Jack. I’m waiting for Sam. She has a gentler touch then you.” Sam heard them bickering and as relief swept through her, she suddenly felt as if her legs wouldn’t hold her any longer.
Moving over to Daniel, she heard her CO muttered. “ You obviously weren’t stuck in the Antarctic with her.”
“I heard that, sir.”
Dropping her pack on the ground next to the archeologist, Sam sat down quickly. Hands trembling, she opened her pack and pulled out her first aid kit. Taking an antiseptic wipe and setting the kit aside, she began to clean the cut on Daniel’s arm. But, as she wiped away the blood, more appeared. So she wiped again.
Blood appeared again and began to run freely on the ground. Looking up at her friend, she could see that Daniel was gray, too gray. He was dying. Looking into his eyes, she could see they were glazed and that he was in pain. There was blood dripping off his face, onto his shoulders, staining his jacket.
She felt her heart begin to race. Thudding in her throat and chest, she felt as if her heart was going to explode. Short of breath, her chest hurt and she began to sweat profusely. Hands shaking, she dropped the wipe on the ground and moved to retrieve another. Kneeling, she began to pull things out of her pack.
“Where are they? Where are they? I have to help Daniel. I’ve got to find the bandages and wipes.” She was talking to herself as she tore through her pack. “Someone help me. Please, someone help me. Daniel might die. Can’t let him down. Have to help him. Help me please.”
Turning back to her friend, she took a gauze and began to wipe more frantically at his wounds. Looking up at Daniel’s face, Sam felt a shock run through her as she gazed into her molester’s face.
“Thought you could run, huh, Major. I’ll always find you. We’re gonna have some fun.”
Heart pounding, she pulled back, putting as much distance between her and her attacker as she could. Without warning, she felt hands on her shoulders. “Don’t touch me. Keep away from me!” Her voice was hoarse, barely a whisper.
Sam crawled and scrambled away, moving as fast as she could away from the hands, but didn’t make it far. Her legs gave out as she tried to stand.
The hands were there again, holding her in place. She began to fight, kicking and screaming, trying to get away. But still the hands held her.
“Please don’t hurt me again, please.” Sobbing, she collapsed, unable to fight the hands that held her anymore. Then, she was pulled into a set of arms, and a rocking motion began. And still she cried. She felt the prick of the needle as she was injected. He was going to hurt her again, and she didn’t have the power to stop him.
As she felt her heart begin to slow and the pull of the sleep steal over her, she thought she heard someone crooning softly to her.
~~**~~
She could hear the sounds of soft snoring as she awoke. Opening her eyes, she realized the softness under her head was someone’s lap. It was dark and she was laying next to the fire, in her sleeping bag. Turning her head, she saw that the lap she was laying in was Daniel’s and he was leaning against a boulder, fast asleep.
“I sent him to bed but he refused to stay there. How are you feeling, Sam?” Jack walked over and knelt next to her.
“Tired, sleepy. But okay. Time for my watch, sir?” Confused, she started to push herself up into a sitting position.
“Stay where you are, Carter. You’ve been ill. I’ll stand your watch tonight. You rest.” Sam laid her head back down on Daniel’s lap and closed her eyes. Ill? She couldn’t remember being sick. But she was very tired, so she did as she was ordered. Feeling drowsy, she allowed herself to go with it.
~~**~~
The next time she awoke, it was daylight and she could hear the sounds of birds in the trees. The soft lap had been replaced by a pack. Laying there, some of what had happened the evening before began to come back to her and she was ashamed. She had lost it, the thing she had been working so hard to avoid. She didn’t remember everything, but she remembered enough. Mortified, she listened as her teammates quietly talked.
“We’ll head for the gate as soon as Carter wakes up. I want Frasier to take a look at her.”
“Jack, I think she had a panic attack. Or a flashback. Or maybe, both. But a flashback to what?”
“I have been thinking about that. Carter has been with us on every mission in the last year, except..........” She heard the Colonel prompting her teammates.
“Conrad!” She heard both Daniel and Teal’c say that name at the same time.
“You don’t suppose something else happened, something she didn’t put in her report or mention at the debriefing?”
“What would she not put in her report, Jack?”
“What is any woman reluctant to talk about?”
“Oh. Oh God! You think she was raped?” Sam lay there rigid, listening to the men talk. “If I get my hands on Conrad, I’ll kill him!”
“You’ll have help, Daniel. Teal’c and I will be right there with you. I’d like to kill him for kidnapping her to begin with, but if he hurt her in any way, let’s just say, death would be a kindness compared to what I would do to him.” Sam heard the anger in her teammate’s voices.
“Rape is punishable by the rite of Mal-Kol-Ret on Chulak. It is fitting that Conrad be taken there and punished.” Teal’c’s barely controlled anger were evident to Sam as she lay listening.
“Mal-Kol-Ret, Teal’c?”
“Yes, DanielJackson. The rapist is tortured and then castrated, bleeding to death for his crime.”
“I wish it were the same on Earth.:” Daniel responded to the Jaffa.
Sam kept her eyes closed and feigned sleep. She was not ready to face these men who were her family, even if they did deserve an explanation. Still tired, Sam felt herself pulling back, unable to face what would come and succumbed to her fatigue as her team continued to talk.
~~**~~
Her bladder was screaming, and she knew she could now longer remain hidden in her sleeping bag. Opening her eyes, Sam could see Teal’c standing nearby, looking out towards the surrounding trees. Daniel and Colonel O’Neill were no where to be seen.
Unzipping her sleeping bag, Sam sat up and began to pull on her boots sitting next to her on the ground. The sun was high in the sky and, looking at her watch, she saw it was almost 0900. No wonder she needed to pee.
Looking up, she could see that Teal’c had turned and was watching her. Nodding to him, she headed for the trees to perform her ablutions. Feeling his eyes following her, Sam felt a sense of relief when the forest closed around her. This was what she had been trying to avoid. Everyone would know and they would treat her differently, treat as if she were damaged goods, watching her every move.
Finding a secluded spot, she took care of her needs, taking her time, but knowing she would have to eventually face the music. Standing and buckling her BDU’s, she wandered over to a nearby log and sat down. Scrubbing her face with her hands, she thought back to the night before. She had seen the blood on Daniel and had lost it entirely. Why? Fatigue, maybe. Even after what had to be 12 or 14 hours of sleep, she was still exhausted and didn’t look forward to the walk back to the Stargate. Whatever was happening, she wasn’t handling it very well.
Getting up, Sam slowly made her way back to camp, intent on gathering her sample containers and finishing her job. She only had a few left to be collected, and at least she wouldn’t feel like she was shirking her duties.
As she walked into camp she saw Colonel O’Neill sitting beside the campfire, pouring himself a cup of coffee. Looking up, he smiled at her, and invited her to sit next to him with a sweep of his arm.
Suddenly, she felt a hand on her shoulder and she jumped, moving quickly to get out of reach of the person pawing her.
“Sam? Sam. It’s just me, Daniel.” She’d had a flash of stark terror before realizing it was her friend, her teammate. Feeling suddenly weak with relief, Sam allowed her jelly legs to fold up under her as she crumbled to her sleeping bag.
Embarrassed, scared, humiliated, she pulled her knees up and hid her face in her hands, trying to press back the tears threatening to fall.
“Sorry.” Her voice was a whisper.
“No, I’m sorry, Sam. I surprised you and I shouldn’t have.”
“You have nothing to be sorry for, Carter. Just take it easy.” Jack’s voice was gentle and caring and it was all it took. The tears began to fall. She felt a set of arms pull her into an embrace and she began to sob. She cried for the loss of her personal sense of security, she cried for her lost freedom, and she cried for her lost comfort zone with her team. The pain of the violation and humiliation real and palpable.
She heard the crooning start again as she continued to weep. Realizing she was in Daniel’s arms and he was the one murmuring to her, she relaxed and let go.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
She must have fallen asleep again, for a little while. Sam opened her eyes to find herself still in Daniel’s arms and she could feel him softly stroking her hair and back. Opening her eyes, she sighed and sat up, pulling away from her friend.
“Sorry.” She murmured her apologies again.
“It’s okay, Sam. How about some water or maybe you would prefer tea?” Daniel started to move out from behind her, when Teal’c placed a hand on his shoulder.
“Stay DanielJackson, I will prepare tea for MajorCarter.” With that, Daniel relaxed back against the log he was leaning on, allowing Sam the decision to either stay put or move.
Feeling embarrassed, Sam adjusted her position so she was sitting next to her friend and not on top of him. Pulling her knees up again, she tried to make herself small, hoping she could avoid the scrutiny.
Teal’c brought her a cup of tea and a power bar, with the unspoken order to eat. Taking the items in her hands, she nibbled on the power bar, sipping the drink.
Around her, Jack and Teal’c moved to finished taking down the camp. After a few minutes, there was only her sleeping bag and a few items left to gather.
Sitting down, at the fire, Jack pour himself another cup of coffee. “Once Carter is done with her breakfast and I have this one last cup of coffee, well maybe after Daniel has one more cup, we’ll head back to the Stargate and home. Okay kids?” Sam looked up to see Jack looking around at everyone.
In that moment, it came to her. They wouldn’t ask, these wonderful men who were her team would respect her privacy. And at the same time she knew they had a right to know. They respected her and had always been there for her. She needed to tell them.
“It wasn’t Conrad.” She voice was soft, almost a whisper and if a pin had dropped right then, it would have echoed like thunder. “It was one of his research doctors. He didn’t rape me but he came close.”
As Teal’c moved to sit beside her, Sam told her team everything. In a quiet voice, she told of how he had drugged her, enough to make her easier to handle but not enough to knock her out. She talked of how he touched her intimately, using his fingers to molest her, penetrating her.
She told them about when that hadn’t been enough for him, he had secured her bent over the gurney face first and had started to molest her from behind, pushing unlubricated, gloved fingers into her, hurting her, taunting her, making her well aware that he was about to rape her. She talked of how she pleaded and fought, only to be secured tighter unable to stop him. She talked of how he’d been interrupted before completing his violation of her, and her fear when the man had whispered in her ear before he’d left the room that he would have her one way or another, alive or dead, that he didn’t really care.
She told them of shaking with fear everytime he returned, unsure whether there would be another attack. She talked of being kept sedated most of the time to ensure her cooperation. She told of her escape attempt and the threats that came from the good doctor once she had been returned to her holding room. She talked of the terror, the loss of control, and the hate she had for the man.
“I feel as if I have become a prisoner in my own home, a prisoner in my life. I stare out the windows, and wish I felt safe again. I was always so sure of my ability to take care of myself and he stole that away, with Conrad’s help.”
Finally she looked at her teammates. “You want to know something funny? I feel safer here, off world, then in my own home. Now there’s irony for you.” Sam laughed mirthlessly.
Sam leaned into Daniel, who had slipped an arm around her shoulders sometime during her disclosure and as she did so, she felt Teal’c rubbing circles on her back, soothing her much as he would a child. Closing her eyes she didn’t want to see pity in the eyes of her teammates.
“This is the first time you’ve talked about this, isn’t it Sam?” She heard Daniel’s soft question in her ear. Nodding she pulled away, wrapping her arms around her knees.
“I couldn’t talk about it for some reason. I felt if I just ignored it, I could forget about it. I could pretend it never happened. Or that it happened to someone else.”
“But it doesn’t work that way, huh, Carter.” Sam looked up at her CO. “It doesn’t go away. You may be able to bury it, but it will come back again and again until you talk to someone and deal with it. Even then, it’s never really gone for good.”
Burying her head again, Sam felt a wave of despair sweep over her. “You don’t know.”
“Yes, I do, Carter. Yes, I do.” Sam looked up at her CO’s eyes, and saw the same haunted look she had been seeing in the mirror for the last three weeks. And she suddenly realized, he did know. Iraq, he had been a prisoner in Iraq for several months.
“I’m sorry, sir.” Sam felt ashamed, ashamed that she was only thinking of herself.
“Damn it Carter. Don’t be sorry and don’t apologize. You have nothing to be sorry for. You were attacked, raped.” At that comment, Sam looked up again at Colonel O’Neill, surprised.
“Yes, you were raped. It is about power and control and making you feel as if you have none. You didn’t do anything wrong, you didn’t ask for it, you couldn’t control it, and you couldn’t stop him.” Tears were running down her face, and as she cried, her CO came over and knelt in front of her.
“You were the victim of a sick man, //you// were the victim. You are //not// at fault. This attack, this horrible rape.......it doesn’t make you less of a woman, it doesn’t make you less of a friend, and it doesn’t make you less of a soldier.” With that, her CO took her into his arms, hugging her. As he did so, Sam could feel Teal’c continuing to rub her back and Daniel holding on to her hand.
Feeling warm and safe for the first time since the attack, she allowed herself to bask in the security her team gave her. Sitting back she look at Teal’c and Daniel as the colonel sat on the ground in front of her. She could see in their eyes, love and understanding. No pity, no disgust, just love and caring for a friend and teammate.
Wiping tears from her eyes, Sam took a deep breath and smiled. “Thanks, guys.” She didn’t know what else to say, but looking around she knew there wasn’t anything else needed.
She knew it wasn’t over. She knew there were hard times to come but she knew she wasn’t alone, that she would never alone.
December 30, 2003 The characters mentioned in this story are the property of Showtime and Gekko Film Corp. The Stargate, SG-I, the Goa'uld and all other characters who have appeared in the series STARGATE SG-1 together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of MGM-UA Worldwide Television, Gekko Film Corp, Glassner/Wright Double Secret Productions and Stargate SG-I Prod. Ltd. Partnership. This fanfic is not intended as an infringement upon those rights and solely meant for entertainment. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author.