Daniel: Um, this isn’t really a pantomime per se…
Jack: Who cares?
Daniel: OK.
Doctor Who music.
Jack: Now Daniel Jackson was a doctor of Brainless Obelisks and Rhetoric In Netherworld Groups- old stuff and dead languages. This meant that he could put B.O.R.I.N.G after his name.
Daniel: Hey!
Teal’c: Was that intended to be funny, O’Neill?
Jack: Duh! So Daniel Jackson, B.O.R.I.N.G, had gotten his degree on a small planet called Abydos. The evil Master had taken his wife, Sha’re and he was determined to get her back.
Daniel: Yeah, nobody messes with the Doc!
Sam: Um, is he OK?
Jack: I think he’s been watching too much late night TV. Anyway, you’re not in the story till later; go do something that involves lots of numbers.
Teal’c: I believe that Daniel Jackson wishes to go through the gate in search of his wife.
Jack: It’s a TARDIS! Put your eyebrow down- it stands for Travelling Across Ranging Distances In a Stargate.
Sam: Really good sir! If you’d just put something about the physics of it-
Jack: But then it wouldn’t be a Tardis! So Daniel went through the Tardis and came out on Earth. He met two guys there.
Teal’c: Greetings.
Sam: How come we’re just two guys? Don’t we deserve a special intro? How come Teal’c’s on Earth?
Jack: OK, there was this robotic dog and another doctor. This one had gotten a degree in Science With Obscure Theories. So she was Samantha Carter, S.W.O.T
Daniel: Hey, I’m Dr. Daniel Jackson, you may have heard of me.
Teal’c: Doctor Who?
Jack: Stop groaning Sam. Anyhow, these guys had nothing to do, other than play golf and do equations, so they agreed to help him defeat the Master. Why they didn’t go fishing…
Daniel: Jack! We’re getting bored here!
Jack: OK, all right already! So the three of them jumped into the Tardis.
Sam: Wow! I think I’ll write a thesis when I get home.
Daniel: Why is Teal’c’s wrapped in tin foil?
Jack: I thought he’d be less freaky as K-9.
Pause.
Sam: Well, yeah.
Jack: When they got there, they were surrounded by lots of Daleks.
Teal’c: They are simply Jaffa wearing old-fashioned metal bins.
Daniel: How do you know about dustbins?
Teal’c: It is a hobby of mine.
Sam: O…Kaaayy.
Jack: Come on, it’s just as weird as Daniel studying his culture.
Daniel: But… bins?
Jack: Meanwhile, the Daleks were pointing their staff-weapons through their bins… um armour.
Dalek/Jaffa 1: Exterminate-kree!
Daniel: Quick, run away!
Jack: Quick run away? You are supposed to be the big hero! Stand and fight, don’t run away!
Sam: We are outnumbered sir.
Jack: Never stopped me.
Daniel: All I have is my sonic-dictionary (who thinks up these things?)
-I do-
Daniel: Oh.
Jack: Who said that?
Teal’c: Somebody with more time than sense.
Sam: Hey! I’m being shot at here!
Daniel: Hey, the scenery is just cardboard! We can hide behind it!
Jack: No fair! That’s cheating!
Sam: So?
Jack: Of course, MGM would never have such cheap and unbelievable scenery.
Daniel: I don’t think you’ll get a pay raise for that.
Jack: Worth a try.
Apophis: Hah! Did you think you could hide in a dimensional rift?
Sam: See! It wasn’t just a cheat.
Jack: But you didn’t bother giving it a name.
Daniel: You would have just told her to stop waffling!
Jack: Wouldn’t!
Daniel: Would!
Jack: Wouldn’t!
Apophis: Excuse me, but I am in the middle of my evil gloating!
Teal’c: It will not work. O’Neill has made me watch this series, as well as Star Trek and Star Wars so that I will understand his references. You will gloat and then we will defeat you.
Apophis: Is that so?
Sam: Way to go Teal’c, now he won’t tell us his evil plan and we will be doomed!
Teal’c: I just thought it would be more efficient.
Jack: Teal’c you’re supposed to be a dog.
Teal’c: Woof.
Apophis: I will chain you all to my wall as I consider a more fiendish way to dispose of you, buwahahahaha!
Daniel: Jack?
Jack: What?
Daniel: Do you think you could give us a bit of help? He’s probably going to use his mind-ray to wipe my memories!
Jack: And?
Daniel: Jaaack!
Jack: OK. I’m not supposed to do this, especially after you cheated back there…
Sam: It wasn’t cheating.
Jack: You’ve got to stay true to the period! Wobbly scenery and rubbish costumes alike!
Daniel: I wonder what sci-fi will be like in years to come…
Jack: So along comes this… um, swamp-thing.
Maybourne: Glug.
Daniel: Jack!
Jack: Sorry, but that was the first alien I thought of… and Maybourne is slimy… then along comes this tree-person.
Nox woman: Hi!
Jack: And due to Danny’s linguistic skills, Docs BORING and SWOT and their little (chokes) dog got free.
Sam: Cheers.
Teal’c: Woof.
Daniel: K9 could talk, couldn’t he?
Jack: Yes, so long as he doesn’t spoil the story again.
Teal’c: I will not let you down.
Jack: You better believe it.
Apophis: Hah! Now I have you! Your mind will be destroyed by my ray gun and you will no longer be called BORING!
Sam: Don’t think so.
She shoots Apophis, who drops the ribbon device.
Jack: Hey, the woman never saves the day!
Sam: We’ll see about that!
Daniel: I think you better let her, she seems pretty mad to me.
Teal’c: I concur. Major Carter does appear to be getting very angry.
Jack: So the BOR…
Sam: This is getting old. Daniel, you coming for a drink?
Daniel: Sure, Teal’c, you can come too… after you’ve changed.
Jack: Hey! You can’t do this! It’s a classic! Guys? Oh, what the hell, I’ll watch some hockey.
TV turns over.
© January 15, 2001 The characters mentioned in this story are the property of Showtime and Gekko Film Corp. The Stargate, SG-I, the Goa'uld and all other characters who have appeared in the series STARGATE SG-1 together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of MGM-UA Worldwide Television, Gekko Film Corp, Glassner/Wright Double Secret Productions and Stargate SG-I Prod. Ltd. Partnership. This fanfic is not intended as an infringement upon those rights and solely meant for entertainment. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author.
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