Laughter is the best medicine, or so they say. I think laughter is simply a great disguise, a mask to wear when you don’t want the world to know what’s really going on inside. I know I don that mask quite frequently. As I glance around at my three companions I realize it’s completely transparent.
Carter always chuckles or smiles obligingly. I appreciate that.. I do. But her crystal eyes discount the laughter when it really matters. She sees my hidden concernangerfear and chooses to indulge my need for normalcy. She smiles sweetly at my feigned denseness and wise ass commentary, all the while giving me assurance she understands my true feelings.
She understands because she’s felt pain similar to mine. I’ve read her file. I know she lost her mother when she was still so young, and she’s told me her father and brother had been estranged for nearly twenty years. Her own relationship with her father was shaky until the whole Selmac thing. It’s great they finally found each other and I am truly happy for her. Then of course there’s Martouf. Yeah, I gave Marty a hard time but he really was a good guy, for a Tok’ra. God, the look on Carter’s face as she cradled his dead body…yes, Carter knows pain.
Science is her costume. Technobabble spews from her mouth rapidly when she’s upset; I doubt she knows she’s doing it. When Carter’s concerned, I’m concerned and me playing dumb seems to calm her down a bit. I’m happy to ease her discomfort while selfishly assuaging my own.
My gaze wanders over to Teal’c, my warrior friend. He often quirks his eyebrow in either amusement or puzzlement at my antics. I’ve yet to determine which, but it doesn’t really matter. I can see in his eyes that he perceives the reason for the stunt and respects me enough to go along with it silently.
Teal’c also knows pain. He gave up his *entire* life to be here fighting with us. His wife and son are now within his reach, but it was a long time coming. I can still remember the anguish he demonstrated when we went back to Chulak that first time. Branded a traitor, wife and child forced to live in squalor, Teal’c might just as well had his heart ripped out and stomped on. Before that even, Teal’c himself suffered an involuntary exodus from his home after Cronus killed his father, an event leading him down the Jaffa path. And the pain continues…the loss of Shau’nac and the possible loss of Bra’tac eat away at him. I see it.
He tries so hard not to reveal even the smallest iota of emotion. To the casual observer Teal’c is a flat out success in that regard. It’s the little things that are a dead giveaway. His jaw twitches in rapid intensity, almost imperceptibly. But again, Teal’c’s eyes are the true indicator of his state. I’ve seen cold fury and soft concern shining forth from his dark depths, radiating brilliantly to those of us that know him. I do my best to change those emotions to amusement/puzzlement…
And then there’s Daniel. Daniel rarely laughs at my jokes. On occasion I’ll get a tight little smile, but he doesn’t play my game. I don’t expect him to.
Daniel’s seen as much pain in his lifetime as the rest of us. I knew his parents died when he was young, but until that damn Gamekeeper, I had no idea he’d been a witness to it. And as if being a kid living with that memory wasn’t bad enough, he had cope with the fact his grandfather thought it more worthwhile to chase after his dream than care for a lost little eight year old. Friendless and homeless when I met him, I was lucky enough to see a spark of happiness in his life appear on Abydos. Sha’re was his everything. Even though I was experiencing the darkest period of my life, I saw it. I also saw it brutally ripped away from him one short year later.
He tries to hide the ache but he’s not very good at it. Daniel has a tendency to critique the floor, hug his arms around him like a protective blanket, and shift restlessly when he’s uncomfortable. Or upset. Or stressed. Or in pain. My inane and stupid remarks don’t aid him. Daniel just *looks* at me, telling me silently that he gets it.
Carter and Teal’c know pain, but Daniel *knows*. He was there when… Daniel sees the stark truth behind my wall. He knows the depth of that truth, and that my attempts to conceal it are weak, but necessary. He knows behind the laughter and sarcasm, the ceaseless darkness and pain are raging at me. He knows I have to protect myself and everyone around me from it. Because he understands so fully, my concernangerfear is lessened.
God, I’m a lucky man to have such friends.
Author’s Note: As usual, this one was sparked from a comment someone gave me in RL. I have to thank her for seeing past my own façade precisely when I needed her to.
© August, 2002 The characters mentioned in this story are the property of Showtime and Gekko Film Corp. The Stargate, SG-I, the Goa'uld and all other characters who have appeared in the series STARGATE SG-1 together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of MGM-UA Worldwide Television, Gekko Film Corp, Glassner/Wright Double Secret Productions and Stargate SG-I Prod. Ltd. Partnership. This fanfic is not intended as an infringement upon those rights and solely meant for entertainment. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author.