Hansel and Gretal Retold (A.K.A. Maybournes Revenge)

Written by Annere
Comments? Write to us at annere15@hotmail.com
Hansel and Gretal Retold...
<(A.K.A. Maybournes Revenge)>
<Characters:
Narrator- Maybourne
Gretal- Carter (G) First Wife-
Hathor
Hansel- Daniel (H) Second Wife-
Kinsey (Sm)
Witch- Hathor (W/M) *Bluebird 1-
Jack(Bl 1)
Woodcutter-Apophis (F) Bluebird 2- Teal'c
(Bl 2)
*(Bluebirds are traditional!)

And: 'Guy In Red Shirt' as himself.>




<Scene: Gateroom done up as cutaway of tiny cottage leading
out to a (very small) Dark Forest. Enter Daniel and Jack in costume.>


Daniel: (H) Hey, I thought I was the Narrator! Why
have I been changed to Hansel?

Jack: (Bl 1) Shut up Hansel! At least your only lines
aren't "Tweet Tweet"!

Daniel: (H) Good point. <pauses> Swop?

Jack: (Bl 1) Nah, the long wig and clogs wouldn't
suit me anyway.

<Enter *Carter* in costume.>

Carter: (G) Arghh! Damn pigtails! Right, when I find
out whose idea this was, they're in for it!

<Cue voice from above.>

Narrator: (M) *Hah Hah Hah Hah! Mine!*

All: Maybourne?!

Narrator: (M) *I put you there and I can do what ever I want!*
<evil cackle to fade>

Guy in red shirt: Uh oh.

<*SG1, Hathor*// and *Apophis* all appear onstage in
costume.>

Jack: (Bl 1) Good grief, whats he doing here!

Daniel: (H) I don't know about father-figure- wicked witch
might be better!

Carter: (G) Witch already taken. But if it comes to that,
why are any of us here?

Apophis: (Fa) Puny Taur'i! Once I am out of this foolish costume
I will crush you like bugs!

Jack: (Bl 1) So speaks the snake.

Narrator: *I hope you are playing nicely now children!*

All: "!"

Narrator: *Shut up. Let the story begin.
Once upon a time there was a family living
in the forest- a Woodcutter :*

Apophis:(F) I am a poor woodcutter making a living for ...
<stops, shocked at his unintentional words as everyone stares at
him...them...whatever>

Narrator: *Very good. His Wife:*

Hathor: (M/ W) <!>

Narrator: *Women never get much to say. Anyway, you're only
temporary.*

Hathor: I protest to this treatment! <blows out her mind
controling powder stuff- no effect->

All, (relieved): <!>

Narrator (hurriedly): *Something dire but unfortunately unnamed happened
to her and she left her bereft husband with two brats.*

Carter/Daniel: Hey!

<*Hathor* vanishes. Long pause.>

Narrator: *I can't say she got eaten by a wolf- this is
supposed to be a kids story.*

Jack:(Bl 1) PG15 by the time you're finished I'll
bet.

Narrator: *Shut up birdie!*

Jack: Tweet?! Tweet!!!

Narrator: *Exactly. The woodcutter marries again...* //<quick
blast of "Wedding March">// -*A beautiful but jealous woman
called...uh...SENATOR KINSEY???!*

<Enter Kinsey in shock and costume.>

Kinsey: (Sm) <!>

Narrator: * ...who hatched an evil plot against those pests of
children, sensible woman. She said to her husband:*

Kinsey: Shouldn't we teach the bra... eh, children how to
survive in the forest, de...dea...d..d...Arghh!

<*Kinsey* explodes on having to say the word 'dearest' and
vanishes. Even longer pause.>

Narrator: *Ooookey- skip to Scene III- the witches cottage II,
Bill.*

'Bill': Righto!

<Scene changes to inside of witches cottage. *Gretal* (C) is
stoking the oven, the *Witch* (H) is cackling and rubbing her hands together
in glee. *Hansel* (D) is tied up in a large pot. The *Two Bluebirds* (J &
T) are perched on the windowsill.>

Hathor: Hee Hee Hee!

Carter: Oh Witch, Oh Witch! You tell me to make the oven hot
but how will I know?

Hathor: When it is hot enough to cook your brother in, foolish
child!

Daniel: Hey!

Narrator: *Hansel!*

Daniel (sarcastically): Eek. A mouse!

Narrator: *Shut up and play your part! I am the All Powerful
Narrator and you have no choice but to obey me!*

All: Yes Oh Mas... Hey!!

<*Narrator* reasserts fairybook control over characters>

Carter: And when shall I know this Oh Great One?

Hathor: I don't care how hot it is! I am going to eat you now!

<throws *Gretal*(C) into pot also and for good measure chucks in
the two innocent *Bluebirds* that just happened to be there and the *Guy In
Red Shirt* who is just unlucky>

Teal'c (Bl 2) I do not believe this is part of the story, O'
Neill.

Both: Tweeet!! Tweet-twitter-Eek!

Narrator: *The Evil Witch throw the pot in the oven and slams the
door. The FATHER, MOTHER, STEPMOTHER and WITCH all cheer:*

Apophis: Haha, I have crushed the....

Narrator: * Shut up Apophis.*

Hathor: Yippeeee!!!!

Kinsey: Hurray!! Whoo- Hoo! <does little dance>

Narrator: *And the rest of us live happily ever after without SG1's
meddling. For once the bad guys win and...*

<cue even bigger *Voice From The Ceiling* interupts>

E.B.V.F.T.C. <*HOLD IT RIGHT THERE LOWLY NARRATOR!*>

Narrator: <!>

E.B.V.F.T.C: <*REPRESENTATIVE OF THE PREVENTIONOF OVERLY-CREATIVE INTERPRETATION OF FAIRY-TALES. YOU HAVE BROKEN LAW 109906, SECTION 7, SUBSECTION F, PART LXVII,- YOU SHALL NOT KILL ANY MAIN CHARACTERS OR BLUEBIRDS UNLESS CLEARLY EVIL!!*>

<*SG1* and *Guy in Red Shirt* all reappear in normal clothing.>

RoPO-CIF: <*YOU MUST FACE THE WRATH OF FIRST YOUR PEERS AND THEN THE
COUNCIL!!!*>

<*Maybourne* appears holding a microphone. All other characters in
play advance on him with murderous expressions.>

Maybourne: *Drat that 'happy- ending' rule! I will conquer the world
next Tuesday instead! I....ah....Lets not over-react here...It was only a
joke! Really! Calm down now! Can't we discuss thi...URK!*


THE END

<*(Yes, Maybourne does reach a dire and unnamed fate here. It
is entirely deserved though)*>
The End


AUTHOR'S NOTE: I know, the fairytale idea is not original but I don't think H&G been done yet. This is my first attempt at fanfic and was written at midnight which hopefully explains the weirdness. Feedback and constructive criticism are Really Welcome, flames are laughed at. Story beta'n to death by family members so I don't think there are too many mistakes. Thanks family! Any mistakes there are left are my fault. Sorry.//
© July 10, 2002 The characters mentioned in this story are the property of Showtime and Gekko Film Corp. The Stargate, SG-I, the Goa'uld and all other characters who have appeared in the series STARGATE SG-1 together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of MGM-UA Worldwide Television, Gekko Film Corp, Glassner/Wright Double Secret Productions and Stargate SG-I Prod. Ltd. Partnership. This fanfic is not intended as an infringement upon those rights and solely meant for entertainment. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author.

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