Author's Note: Starred text denotes our beloved team; all else, the players. Thanks to Care Bear for minor tweaks!
Cast of Characters:
Jack: Jack O'Neill
Giant named Apophis: Apophis
Giant's Wife: Janet Frasier
Jack's Mother: General Hammond
The Cow: Teal'c and Daniel Jackson
The Harp: Samantha Carter
Golden Goose: Schroedinger
Narrator: Daniel
Merchant: Maybourne
_____________________
Narrator: Once Upon a Time, there was a little boy called Jack, who lived with his mother and cow.
Stage Curtain comes up. We see Jack talking to the cow.
*Jack: Daniel, I can't believe you talked me into this!*
*Teal'c: You are addressing the wrong end O'Neill.*
*Daniel: Ahem!*
*Jack: All right already! *
Jack: Oh my, we are so poor here at the SGC, however shall we cope, Cow?
Cow: Moo?
Enter Mother Hammond in full female garb.
Mommy: Son, we're going to have to sell the Cow, we can't afford the vet's bills every time it gets shot.
*Daniel: Hey!*
Jack kicks him.
Cow: Moo?
Jack: My, my, mother, what lovely hair you have!
*Hammond: Don't push it.*
Jack: Oh, woe is me! No longer will my cow state the freaking obvious at me, or lecture me on bovine culture!
*Daniel: Hey! Lay off the insults!*
*Teal'c: Those lines are not in the script, O'Neill.*
*Jack: Who cares? I'm the hero here, I can say what I please.*
Mommy: Go to the Goa'uld slave market and sell it.
Jack leads the cow across the stage to market.
Narrator: So Jack is forced to lead his beloved cow into a meager existence of servitude to the Goa'uld, wailing at his lot in life.
*Jack: You'd think he'd loan me a truck! Oh, no, his prized colonel has to walk…*
*Daniel: At least he's not selling you!*
A merchant approaches, twiddling his (faux) moustache.
Merchant: Ho there! What a nice cow. Would you be willing to sell it for six chevrons? You wouldn't have to walk far.
Jack: OK.
*Daniel: Hey!*
*Teal'c: This is most unwise.*
Cow (with alarm): Moo??!!
Jack: Stow it, Cow! I'm doing this for the good of the world.
Back at SGC.
Narrator: And so Jack sells out his once-beloved cow for a few lousy chevrons.
*Jack: Hey!*
*Daniel: It's true!*
*Jack: How come you get to be narrator and the Cow?*
*Daniel: `Cos the cow is a really small part.*
*Jack: Teal'c isn't complaining.*
*Teal'c: That is correct. The frivolous nature of this mission does not merit complaint.*
*Daniel: Never mind.*
Narrator: Feeling very satisfied with the trade, Jack heads back home.
Mommy: So, what did you get? Some good technology? A sarcophagus?
Jack: Six symbols.
Mommy: What!? Our scramblers can get them for free! Do you have any idea what they're for?
Jack: No.
Mommy: Useless! I don't know why I keep you around!
He, er, she walks offstage.
Narrator: But Jack is an industrious boy and doesn't let his mother get him down. Positive the six chevrons will bring great wealth, he dials the Stargate.
Jack: I'll dial it up myself and see what I can find out. I'll show my mother. I'll show 'em all!
Chevron 7 encoded.
Jack: That was quick!
The Stargate activates and Jack walks through it. He emerges on a desert planet. There is a pyramid in the distance. He heads towards it.
Narrator: So our SELL OUT DESERTER heads towards a Goa'uld Giant's palace.
Jack: Good thing I brought my gun. This looks like it could get rough. I wonder how much it costs to heat that place?
*Daniel: But you didn't, the budget cuts meant that you could only afford one gun and SG-3 have it.*
*Jack: F…*
*Daniel: Hey! There may be kids watching! Really, you shouldn't be surprised by it…what with you having to sell a highly valued cow to obtain six free chevrons.*
*Jack: Fine.*
Jack: Ohhhh…kree!
*Daniel: That's better.*
Narrator: So our intrepid renegade heads toward the palace unarmed and alone.
*Jack: Rub it in, why don't you!*
Jack: I think I can, I think I can.
Knock Knock!
The huge door opens, the Giant's wife looks down.
Wifey: What do you want? If my husband finds you here he will kill you! But I think you're kind of cute, so I'll let you in.
Jack: Thanks! I'm known for my bravery. Your husband doesn't scare me!
*Daniel: Huh, bravery. Foolishness is more like it.*
*Jack: Ah ah ah! Watch it!*
Wifey: Then you best come in.
Inside the palace, Egyptian décor.
Narrator: And so Jack entered the pyramid and ate the Goa'uld's wife's cooking. Suddenly, the Giant named Apophis returns.
Loud steps. Apophis enters. His wife plants a big smacker on him.
Apophis: Hey honey I'm home!
*Jack: Hey honey I'm home???*
Jack: Oh, fuzzbutt. What shall I do? Apophis is sure to see me and kill me.
Wife: Hard day, lovebunny?
Apophis: Yes, but no worse than usual. You know-had to destroy a couple of planets, choose some more Jaffa and hosts, got a little paperwork done. Same ol', same ol'.
Narrator: So Jack hid in the oven.
*Jack: Oven? I'm not going in an oven!*
*Daniel: Would you prefer to be put in a hot oven? Or have a snake in your neck?*
*Jack: Point taken.*
Jack gets in the oven.
Narrator: Apophis settles down for dinner. Unbeknownst to him, his wife, utterly taken with our lad Jack has spiked his food. Soon, he was rendered unconscious.
Wifey: You can come out now, my little morsel.
Jack gets out, he black from head to toe with soot.
*Jack: Very funny! If I'm not being shot at or beaten, I'm getting dirty.*
Narrator: Now Jack, never one to back away without booty, decided to take a look around. He climbed up onto the table to see what was up there.
Jack climbs the table leg.
*Jack: Can't they make the giants a bit smaller? Certainly would make my job a ton easier.*
*Daniel: No.*
*Jack: I had to ask!*
On the table is a Golden Goose, looking suspiciously like a cat with wings strapped on it's back. Next to it is a beautiful Harp, typing away on a laptop.
Jack: Wow! How you doin'?
Harp: Hi, I'm just trying to solve this formula, be with you in a moment.
Golden Goose: Meow!
Jack: So, you come here often?
*Sam(giggling): Colonel! Quit improvising.*
*Jack: Right. Regulations.*
Jack: So, Harp, what's Apophis got ya working on?
Harp: Oh, a little of this, a little of that. I mostly help him muddle through the astrophysics of the Stargate.
Narrator: Jack realizes that the Harp would be a very valuable addition to the SGC. Using his charm and diplomatic skills, he woos her to join him.
Jack: Hey, I've got a proposition, why don't you come back through the Stargate with me? We've got some great computers… at least we did before the budget cuts… but we've also got ice cream. We could share a malted.
*Daniel: Your main point for choosing alliance with the Ta'uri is that we have ice cream?*
*Jack: Uh, yeah.*
Harp: Sounds great to me! Where do I sign up?
Jack smirks.
*Daniel: Why doesn't this stupid script have you tell her about the great cultural benefits she will gain if she comes back with you? Damn military mentality.*
*Jack: I want her to come with me, not fall asleep or run away!*
*Daniel: Hey!*
Jack and the Harp head for the door. Behind them, the Giant named Apophis stirs.
Narrator: Before our hero and heroine make their great escape, Apophis regains consciousness and sees notices something is awry.
Apophis: Fee, fi, fo, fum, I smell the blood of an Airforce mon!
*Jack: Why the hell does Apophis suddenly have a Caribbean accent?*
*Daniel: Because.*
*Jack: Yeah, OK.*
Wifey: Run!
Apophis: Be he live, or be he dead, I'll crush his bones to make my bread!
Jack picks up the Harp and runs for the Stargate.
Harp: Why, aren't you the gentleman?
*Daniel: Ahem. Now who's ad-libbing, Sam?*
Narrator: So they run for the gate, with Apophis and his men in hot pursuit.
Jack: Geez, you're heavier than I thought!
Harp: It's that time of the month. Sorry, should have warned you!
Narrator: As they approach the DHD, Jack realizes he has no idea how to get home.
Jack: I have no idea how to get home.
*Jack: (Double take.) Oh, ha ha!*
Harp: Wait! This is what Apophis had me working on! He can't get to your world, but maybe I can!
She dials.
Narrator: As she dials the final symbol, the Stargate opens.
Whoosh! They walk through.
Jack: Bye! Sorry I can't stay, but the play's almost over.
Inside the SGC.
Mommy: Well son, you got a harp and a goose. Wonder how much they'll fetch at the market. I'll take them myself this time. You want something done, you gotta do it yourself.
Jack: But, mother, the Harp has special talents and can save the SGC.
Mommy: Well, why didn't you say so?! Oh, and by the way that merchant you traded the cow to had a change of heart (twinge of conscience for swindling you) and brought it back while you were out.
*Daniel: Well, I should hope so.*
*Teal'c: Indeed.*
Jack: Hooray!
Cow: Moo.
Narrator: And so ends our tale. Because our dear audience has had to sit through this monstrosity, I am using my omnipotent power and commanding you all to sing a song for them. Kind of an apology, if you will.
*Jack: I'm not singing!*
*Daniel: Do it, Jack, or I'll tell the General you and the Harp were making goo-goo eyes at each other at Apophis' palace.*
*Jack: Touché. All right, but no encore.*
Starred verses are sung by Maybourne, Kinsey, Goa'uld hordes and any other baddies (fill in your favorites) to the tune of Auld Lang Syne.
Remaining verses are sung by the other members of SGC, Nox, Tollan, Asgard, Tokra etc.
*May old acquaintance be forgot,
And killed by our power divine!
May old baddies be revived,
For sake of story line.*
When it's a mi-ll-ion-to-one,
May Luck be on our side!
May Daniel find a planet on
Which his hayfever don't reside.
*May we invent new ways to kill,
May our voices stay so strange.
May organised revolt n'er find,
It's way to our range.*
May Kinsey be locked away,
May God stay on our side!
May Hammond not get angry when
SG-1 'to danger stride.
*May stupid mistakes occur,
And accidents befall!
May Daniel get shot and Jack
Be chained to my wall.*
*Jack: Hey! (He sings alone:)*
May snakes be ever so stupid
May Jaffas die easily!
May all the Goa'ulds combust
Spontan-eo-us-ly!
Daniel:
May I find some strange new text,
Make friends instead of war!
May find that Harcesis child,
It's all I'm asking for.
Sam:
May interstellar wormholes
And physics never fail!
May I solve the equations and
Send Maybourne to jail.
*Maybourne: No fair!*
May Tokra, Tollans and the Nox,
Surrender all to me!
Give me your tech, `cos I'm the best
And so'll say posterity!
Teal'c:
May Goa'uld be denounced,
For all the world to see!
May my son and all of Chulak
Be the ones freedom to see.
*Jack: Not bad!*
*Apophis: My turn now!*
May those who dare to challenge
My authority,
Rot in all the hells there are,
For all eternity!
*SG-1:*
May we win the war,
That we've fought so long,
May we hope and peace abound
*Jack: So I don't have to sing this song. *
*Daniel: That's all we have time for folks, I hope you enjoyed the ride. I tried to have a laugh, at least I found this funny. G'Night!*
Curtain falls.
*Daniel: Hey guys! I didn't get hurt or sneeze!*
Sam groans.
*Jack: Jinx yourself why don't ya?!*
Daniel sneezes so hard that he is propelled into the wall and knocks himself out.
*Jack, Sam and Teal'c: Ohmygod! They killed Danny!*
*Jack: You bastards!*
*Teal'c: It would appear that Daniel Jackson will not see in the New Year.*
*Jack: Don't worry. Doc'll save him and all will work out in the end. It always does.*
Curtain falls.
The End, and God bless us, everyone.
~~~>@<~~~~
© January 15, 2001 The characters mentioned in this story are the property of Showtime and Gekko Film Corp. The Stargate, SG-I, the Goa'uld and all other characters who have appeared in the series STARGATE SG-1 together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of MGM-UA Worldwide Television, Gekko Film Corp, Glassner/Wright Double Secret Productions and Stargate SG-I Prod. Ltd. Partnership. This fanfic is not intended as an infringement upon those rights and solely meant for entertainment. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author.