• SPOILERS: None
• SUMMARY: PC Play of Little Red Riding Hood
• RATING: G

Narrator: Jack (so he gets to be in bold!)

R-R-H: Daniel

Teal’c, Carter and ‘Guy in Red Shirt’ are also in this but you’ll have to read it to find out who they are.

And Gen. Hammond and ‘Conscripted Audience who should be getting Hazard Pay for this’ as themselves.

~*~*~*~

Little Red Riding Hood

Daniel:                                    So how did we end up doing this again...Jack!?

Jack:                                       You should know Daniel; it was your fault.

Daniel:                                     My fault! You had to go make a bet with the SG3 Marines that I couldn’t go three missions without getting injured!

Jack:                                      And who lost it for us?

Daniel:     speechless

Carter:                                     Anyway who thought up the idea of a PC fairytale- pretty much the whole point of fairytales is that they’re not P.C.

Daniel:                                    Why?

Carter:                                     Wicked Witch. Beautiful Girl, Evil Stepmother- typecasting.

Daniel:                                    Ok, now can we just get this over with so we can start planning revenge for this.

Random Redshirt:                 NOOOO!!! Not Again! I’m gonna die! I’M GONNA DIEEE!!! Why me all the time anyway?!

Carter:                                    Umm... Solidarity?

Jack:                                      Hey, I’m narrator this time round! < Grins evilly> Where’s old Harry Maybourne these days?

Carter:                                    Err.. Right behind you Sir.

Jack:                                       Nice apron Harry.

Jack:                                      Right then, where was I? Ah yes. Mother Maybourne- you tell Little Green Uniform here- that’s you Daniel- to go bring 'food and goodies' it says here to his, her...its Granny.

Daniel:                                    Me! Why am I Little Red Riding Hood? Apart from the really stupid costume- little Red Riding Hood is female!

Jack:                                       True. Car...

Carter:                                    No Sir, sorry- I like my part.

Teal’c:                                     Besides, O’Niell, by the customs of your country and this...play it is not...P.C. to want a female to play the part of a female simply because she is female. I have my ‘Medium-sized Book of Politically-Correctness’ here. Col. Feretti gave it to me for this play.

Jack : Troublemaker.

Carter:                                    He’s right Sir. Sorry Daniel.

Daniel:                                    Well at least don’t call me Little Red Riding Hood. That’s definitely un-P.C.

Jack:                                      All right!!- tell breath Medium-Sized Neutral-Coloured, Non-Gender-Specific Item of Clothing to go to it’s Gr- visit the Senior Citizen!

Maybourne:                           Mediu...

MS-NC-NGS-IoC:                 All right- I got it!

Mother Maybourne:                 Watch out for the wo- turns and asks sarcastically I am allowed ‘wolf’ aren’t I?

Jack:     Yup, you’re ok with ‘wolf’

Mother:                                  Wolf, my dear chi...

Jack :                 Psst! Pre-teen!

Mother:                                  Pre-teen.

END SCENE ONE

SCENE TWO

Scene: Forest Path

MS-NC-NGS-IoC:                 It’s not fair! I always have to do it! I wanted to go to the disco and now I’ll be late and...

Jack:                                      Awww- teenage angst.

< MS-NC-NGS-IoC stops crying and continues walking. The bushes rustle and there is a glimpse of a gray tail in the background. MS-NC-NGS-IoC doesn’t notice. >

MS-NC-NGS-IoC:                 Oh there's the Senior Relations cot... JACK!! Cottage ok?

Jack : Cotinga, Cotoneaster, Cotta, Cottage! Um- ‘minor dwelling’ it says here.

Daniel      ;     Senior Relations Minor Dwelling then

MS-NC-NGS-IoC:                 Oh, Granny, I have come to gi... Yearrrghhh!!!

Random Gen. Hammond: Yes, Major Carter is quite a convincing wolf.

Carter:                                    Thank-you Sir.

Daniel:                                    Actually, it was... Granny Teal’c... I was referring to.

Teal’c:                                     This is most demeaning O’Niell. And most unbecoming also.

Jack:                                       Matches your eyes, Teal’c.

Teal’c:                                    My eyes were never red O’Niell.

Jack : Its just something you say, ok?. Anyway, you’re not in this scene. You’ve been eaten by Granny Carter.

Daniel:                                    Can we just finish up already. The audience is asleep. < Pause> Or dead.

Jack:                                      Ok, ok. You go over there. Carter does the ‘All the better to eat you with, thing’ and you scream for help.

Carter/Daniel:                         Hey!

Carter:                                    I get what, three lines in this play and you skip them!

Daniel:                                    I have to scream?!!

Jack:                                      Sorry Carter. You’re halfway there already Daniel. Just shriek already and get it over with!

Daniel : AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!

Jack:                                       Very good. Woodsman- WHERE'S THE WOODSMAN!?!

Random Redshirt: Cool- I get a weapon! Does this mean I get to survive then!?

Jack:                                      Get on with it!

Random Redshirt:                 GIVE IT BACK ITS GRANNY OR I’LL CHOP- URK!

Carter :                 Ouch!

Jack:       Ahem- as she jumps she bangs into cupboard which falls over

Jack:                                       And inside the cupboard Granny is ok.

MS-NC-NGS-IoC:                 Granny!

Granny:                                  Medium-Sized Neutral-Coloured, Non-Gender-Specific Item of Clothing!

Jack:       

Audience:                               Aaaahhh.

Jack:                                       And so they all lived happily ever after except the woodsmen who didn’t, the cleaning ladies who had to clean up the mess, and me because I wrote the play...hey! I didn’t write that bit!!

All: : YOU wrote the play?!

Jack: :                 Not that last bit I didn’t!

Daniel:     Get him!

Maybourne:                           This seems familiar somehow...

Jack flees for the horizon pursued by everyone including the audience who want their money back and the injured airman who now has medical- bills.

Drops piece of paper which gets trampled. On it is:

Well done to you if you made it here! Sorry, no prizes

September 2004 The characters mentioned in this story are the property of Showtime and Gekko Film Corp. The Stargate, SG-I, the Goa'uld and all other characters who have appeared in the series STARGATE SG-1 together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of MGM-UA Worldwide Television, Gekko Film Corp, Glassner/Wright Double Secret Productions and Stargate SG-I Prod. Ltd. Partnership. This fanfic is not intended as an infringement upon those rights and solely meant for entertainment. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author.