In and out.
In and out.
Breathe.
Breathe.
Just keep breathing.
Keep breathing.
No, it was too hard. He couldn’t do this anymore. It was time to give up, to stop fighting the inevitable. He couldn’t fight any longer, he just wasn’t strong enough. He couldn’t keep struggling like this.
But he had to. He didn’t know why, but he couldn’t give up. For some reason he had to keep fighting. Daniel didn’t even wonder why, he simply accepted it.
It was just so hard! Daniel almost sobbed with the terrible effort it took simply to keep the air moving in and out of his lungs, but that sob caught in his throat and only made breathing harder. For a moment, he could feel acutely the emptiness of his lungs as he struggled desperately to breathe again. The panic rose within him as time passed and he couldn’t get any air. His head felt as if it was about to explode, and he turned his face violently from side to side, his mouth wide open as he gasped frantically. His hands twitched and clung desperately to the sheets, his fingers opening and closing convulsively, stretching to their full length and digging into the palms until his arms shook. He could feel his heart pounding like a death knell as the seconds passed, as his time ran out.
He couldn’t breathe, and the only thought in his mind was that he needed air. A wild, uncontrollable strength rose from somewhere within him, a strength born of desperation and urgent need, a strength he never knew he possessed. As he lay there, his body stiff with panic and his hands clenched at his sides, he kept fighting. It seemed an eternity before he felt his chest rise at last, felt the blessed air pour into his lungs. And his head rolled gently to one side as his entire body relaxed.
Air. He had never realised before how good it felt just to breathe, to feel the air rushing in and out of his lungs. He had always taken breathing for granted, but he never would again.
Just keep breathing.
In and out.
In and out.
Nothing eased his agony, nothing sated his need for more air. The seconds, hours, years rolled by, and he concentrated all his strength, all his effort, on breathing. But nothing was ever enough. He was trapped in a mindless hell where he lived from breath to breath, never knowing if each breath was going to be his last, never knowing if he would be able to breathe again, just one more time, never knowing how long he could keep the end from coming.
His chest ached unbearably as it rose and fell, rose and fell, but he couldn’t stop trying. No matter how he fought for each breath he took, no matter how hard he laboured, he could never get enough air. He fought on, one breath at a time, seeing no possible end to the torture, but knowing he could never give up.
And he was afraid. He was more afraid than he had ever been in his life as he lay there, completely helpless, struggling for the air he had always taken for granted, the air his body needed so badly. Daniel had imagined many terrible deaths, had tried to prepare himself for all of them, but he had never thought of anything like this. He had suffered, and he was not afraid of pain, but this was beyond anything he had ever imagined. He didn’t want to die like this, to fight through the long moments of panic as his body screamed silently for air... and to feel himself slipping away, still fighting, as he lost the battle. He didn’t want to die like this.
In and out.
One breath at a time.
Just keep breathing.
Keep breathing.
Every particle of his strength, both of mind and body, was bent on continuing to breathe, on simply staying alive. Every breath he drew was a victory, but every new breath was yet another battle to be won, and the time between was a darkness of fear that this was the end, that he wouldn’t be able to do it again. Yet every time he did breathe again, and every time there was only another breath to struggle for.
A wave of panic surged up in his throat at the despairing thought that he could never win. There were too many breaths ahead of him, too many defeats to barely stave off, and there was no relief in sight. But he fought the panic down before it was too late, before the feeling itself made him break the rhythm of his breathing and lost the battle for him. His chest was so tight, and he could not raise it enough to fill his lungs, to find relief. Yet every breath taken was a victory, another opportunity snatched from the hands of death. Every new breath was another precious gift, one more moment to live.
Breathe.
Breathe.
In and out.
In and out.
What was that? There was a familiar clanking noise somewhere nearby, and shouted voices rang in his ears. But he couldn’t spare the energy to even wonder what it was. He could only lie there and keep breathing, nothing else mattered right now.
Breathe.
In and out.
Breathe.
Suddenly there was a strange coldness all around him, a deadly cold spreading irresistibly through his whole body. It burned into his chest and paralysed it instantly, burned into his lungs and froze the air inside them.
He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t breathe! His heart was beating frantically in his ears, and his head was rolling from side to side in an agony of need. He could feel his time running out and his fingers dug into the sheets. He couldn’t breathe. His body was aching for air, and he wanted to scream with the pure terror and desperation that filled him. He couldn’t breathe. He wanted to cry, to laugh hysterically, to shout aloud with the sheer agony of it, but he could do nothing. He couldn’t breathe!
It seemed like an eternity, but it must have been only a few seconds. Daniel felt his head raised and something placed over his face, over his mouth and nose. He clawed at it wildly, feeling the time slipping away, ignoring the hands that tried to push his fingers aside. Suddenly he felt air pouring into his throat and lungs, bringing relief at last. He revelled as he felt the oxygen fill his lungs, and his hands fell limply to his sides as he let those other hands push them away.
He felt himself moving rapidly, heard voices shouting unintelligibly above him, but he didn’t care. All Daniel cared about now was the tide of life pouring into his lungs and filling his chest. The very relief of it caused him to gave way to the exhaustion he had been ignoring so long, and a pleasant dreaminess stole through him.
There was a prick in his arm, and he opened his eyes for a moment to see a confused blur of faces above him. He heard a voice calling his name even as his eyes drifted shut again, and he sank into blackness.
There was air in his lungs. It was all right now.
~*~
Daniel opened his eyes slowly and blinked as his eyes adjusted to the light. His body felt very light and comfortable, and his chest rose and fell easily as he breathed. He didn’t know why, but it was unspeakably peaceful just to feel the regular, unhurried movement of his chest as the air went in and out of his lungs in an unbroken rhythm.
In and out.
In and out.
The words swam around and around in his head, singing him back to sleep like a quiet lullaby. He didn’t know where he was or how he had gotten there, but it didn’t matter. He was content to simply lie there without moving, without thinking, without wondering about anything. He was content to lie there, at peace in mind and body, while he sank back into sleep to that strangely comforting refrain.
In and out.
In and out.
Just keep breathing.
Keep breathing...
~*~
When he opened his eyes again, it was dark and very quiet. There was a steady beeping noise beside him and a clear, flexible tube snaking upwards from his right arm. For a moment, Daniel was confused and fear started to rise within him. Only a moment, however, then he recognised the infirmary at the SGC, and relaxed with a sigh.
He was safe.
Daniel’s eyebrows lowered in confusion. Safe from what? Suddenly his mind cleared and it all came flooding back, every detail far too vivid in his mind.
They had told him it was a routine first contact mission, that the natives were friendly but primitive. They had told him that the people of this planet only wanted to talk, to learn from the strangers who travelled through the Chappa’ai, who walked the pathways of the stars. Thinking back, the use of the Goa’uld name for the Stargate should have alerted him, but it didn’t. Daniel hadn’t suspected a thing until was too late.
Daniel shivered at the thought and his eyes clouded as pictures rose up unbidden, and terrible scenes replayed themselves in his mind. Terrible scenes, isolated and yet part of a whole, stories with no beginning and no ending, scattered in helpless confusion in his memory.
Apophis’ eyes burned into his with a cold hatred that paralysed the young man with shock and left him gasping. He could see the flash of the Goa’uld’s eyes in the darkness, and the gleam of firelight on the twisted gold of a ribbon device. He was struggling, trying to get away, but with all his strength he could not free himself, and he was powerless to move. Daniel opened his mouth to call for help, to warn the others before it was too late, but someone poured a fiery liquid down his throat, and he was left retching, helplessly. He could feel it burning like a trail of fire through his body as he choked and coughed, and suddenly everything turned black.
Daniel was lying exhausted in a corner, his lungs burning and an unbearable weight on his chest. It was so hard to breathe, but when he tried to remember why that could be, his head started spinning, and he grew so confused that he thought no more about it. There was a strange noise in his ears and a darkness in his mind that made it hard to think. All he knew was that he had to get out, he had to warn his friends.
Daniel never knew how he found them, never knew how long he sought for them, dragging himself along, his head hanging almost to the ground. He never knew how far he crawled, looking for his teammates, his chest labouring hopelessly and his arms aching with the terrible effort it took for him to move.
But he did know when he found them at last, when the sound of their voices pierced his stupour and their wide eyes gazed into his. He looked into their faces for a moment, just to be sure it was them, and then collapsed with a sigh on the ground, knowing only that it was over, that he could rest now. Through the darkness that was creeping over him, clouding his vision and shadowing his mind, he could see Jack’s eyes above him. Then a fit of coughing locked his chest, and convulsive shudders wracked his entire body as he lay upon the ground. He could only close his eyes and endure, trying to ignore the pain of his body and the dizziness that was filling his head.
The fit passed and Daniel just lay there, too exhausted to do anything but breathe. Breathing was growing more and more difficult every moment, and a sudden wave of fear surged through him, tightening his chest and making each breath a little harder to draw, a little more shallow. Daniel opened his eyes and searched, wildly, helplessly, while his hands groped in blind panic, looking for help, for comfort. And he found what he needed in Jack’s eyes, in the steady touch of a comforting hand on Daniel’s cheek, in the soothing words he had to strain to hear.
"Relax, Daniel, it’s gonna be okay. That’s it, you’re doing great. In and out. In and out. Keep breathing, kid, just keep breathing. One breath at a time, Daniel. Take it one breath at a time."
The words were ringing through his head as Daniel forced the wild panic down, forced his lungs into a steady rhythm. The weight on his chest was so heavy that Daniel didn’t have the strength to answer the unspoken question in Jack’s face, to assure him that he would be fine, that he didn’t matter, as long as the others were safe. He could only close his eyes wearily and keep breathing, trying to keep the terrible darkness at bay.
In and out.
In and out.
Breathe.
One breath at a time.
Just keep breathing.
Images rose out of the darkness, images of intense clarity, racing through his mind in heedless, terrible confusion. He saw the blurred white faces in the darkness, turned upward to stare at him silently. He saw the horrible smile on Apophis’ face as he stepped out of the shadows, casting aside the dark hood he wore. He saw Jack’s eyes staring into his, a naked fear making his face look haggard and drawn.
Daniel felt the weight pressing down on his chest, strangling him, pushing the air relentlessly from his lungs. He struggled fiercely against it, but to no avail. The harder he fought, the harder the weight pressed upon him. The blackness was coming towards him like a great dark wave, towering far above his head, rushing, rushing...
The waters flowed around him and closed over his head. He was drowning, but he couldn’t move. His legs and arms were as heavy as lead as he sank slowly into the darkness, his last breath spilling out into the water...
No! No!
But he was sinking, sinking, farther and farther beneath the surface. There was nothing he could do, but still he could not give up and stop fighting. He never could, not until he died, not until his last breath was utterly gone.
Every moment he was expecting to die, to feel the darkness enter his lungs and consume him from within. Every moment he sank lower still, and every moment the light grew farther and farther away, and the surface became more and more distant. With every moment, hope died a little more in his heart, and yet he kept fighting, though he fought hopelessly.
And yet he did not die. For he fell through the water when all hope was gone at last, landing in the midst of a vast desert. Looking up he saw the dark waters above him, forming a strange shifting sky overhead. He looked down again and there were tents before him, tents that he believed he recognised. And there, coming towards him across the burning sand was Sha’re, and the dark waters could not cast their shadow upon her, for she shone with a silver light all her own. And as he held his arms out to her, Daniel saw with surprise that a golden light surrounded him, shining on her face as if the sun was upon it.
Sha’re...
They met, and he could feel her in his arms again, and the gold and silver lights danced together and mingled until they were one, as he and Sha’re were and would always be. Her head nestled on his breast, and he held it to him gently, one hand caressing her soft, fragrant hair. Daniel closed his eyes and laid his cheek upon her dark head, knowing only how much he had longed for this, how much he had missed her. And suddenly he knew why he could not stop fighting for life, no matter how impossible it seemed: it was because of Sha’re. It was because he couldn’t leave her here alone, especially when she still needed his help so much. He just couldn’t leave her.
"My Dan’yel, hear me."
Her eyes were looking into his, pleading with him, begging for something. The look on her face nearly broke his heart within him. He stroked her cheek gently, feeling the tears well up in his eyes at her beauty, at the piteous look in her eyes. How much he loved her!
"Whatever it is you want, Sha’re, I will give it to you. You know that."
And yet she shook her head, her eyes so earnest and so sad. He would do anything to drive that look from her eyes, from the eyes of his own Sha’re. Anything.
"Sha’re, what is it?"
"Husband, I cannot bear to see you die."
"Die? What do you mean?"
Her eyes were large and dark, and the tears filled them until they overflowed to fall from her eyes and down her beautiful face. Daniel cupped her chin gently with his hand and wiped her tears away.
"Sha’re, tell me what’s wrong. I’ll fix it."
"Dan’yel, you are dying now, and I cannot bear to see it! Please, my love, I want you to live!"
"Sha’re, how do I do that?" His voice was very soft as he looked into her grieving eyes.
She raised her hand and pointed upward, a sudden wind blowing her hair back from her face as she turned it to the sky. Daniel looked up and saw nothing but the black waters, ever moving, ever shifting, covering the sky with darkness.
He looked down at her then, and she met his gaze steadily, that look of pleading strong in her eyes.
"You want me to go back?"
Sha’re said nothing, but her eyes told him.
Slowly Daniel shook his head, his hands on his wife’s shoulders. "Sha’re, I can’t do it. I can’t go back there."
She only looked at him, but the eloquence of her eyes was beyond any words she could have uttered.
"Sha’re, I tried. I tried to fight it, but there was nothing I could do. I can’t go back up there now."
"My Dan’yel, you must. If you die, I will not see you again until I leave this world. I want to see you again in this life. There is still time for us. Husband, have pity, I cannot bear to see you die!"
Daniel gazed into her tear-filled eyes and said nothing.
"Dearest one, you must have faith. If you have faith and use our love to light the way, you will succeed. Do not give up your last breath. It is not yet time." Her eyes searched his until he felt that she had seen into his very heart. "My Dan’yel, do this for me."
He looked down on her then, finding faith and love in her clear, dark eyes. She was so beautiful, his Sha’re, more beautiful than any other woman could be. He looked again on her beloved face, her hair, her delicate hands, her eyes that shone like the stars over Abydos. For a long moment he looked upon her as if trying to burn every detail on his memory, and raised a hand wistfully to her cheek. She covered his hand with her own, never taking her eyes from his, and suddenly, breathtakingly, she smiled. A thrill went through Daniel’s heart at the sight, and he bent his head swiftly and kissed her, one last, long kiss before he left her again. He thought his heart would break as they parted, when her hand slipped from his and they stood apart. Tears fell from her eyes upon the sand, and where they fell there was a flash of silver, and then it was gone. Daniel stepped toward her, for he could never bear to see her weep. And yet she would not let him come. She held out her arms towards him, shining with silver light like a goddess, and the tears were streaming down her cheeks.
"My husband," she told him, her eyes full of a love that filled his heart with joy and sorrow both, "we will meet again."
Daniel only nodded, for he could not speak.
"Go with my love. It will never fail you." And as she held out her hand to him, a shining silver light grew in her palm until it was almost too bright for his eyes to bear. Suddenly the light flew from her hand towards him, and buried itself in his heart, and the light that shone around him was of both silver and gold. He could almost feel her within him then, and a balm fell upon his very soul.
"We will meet again, Sha’re. I promise you that."
"Yes, Dan’yel, we will meet again."
And as she cast her arm upward, he could feel himself moving, flying upward towards the dark waters that hung over the desert. He looked down once more and saw her there, shining like a silver star, and then the darkness overwhelmed him.
The darkness was all around, and he did not know when he would ever reach the end of it. He only knew that he would not fail, that he could not fail, for the sake of Sha’re. He could feel himself flying through the darkness as through deep water, and he struggled to keep his last breath within him, to save himself from the consuming darkness.
The time was long, and the waters were so deep! Yet he could feel the love of Sha’re within his heart, sustaining him and making him strong, and his faith in her was his guide and his salvation. He would see her again, he would keep his promise. Yet the way was long, and his body was failing him.
But he would not give up, he never would. And just when he thought the waters would never end, when he feared he could go no farther, he saw light upon the surface of the water. With a last burst of strength he reached for the surface, and as his head broke through the dark waters, he took in a deep, full breath.
Daniel opened his eyes, gasping for breath, to see rushing figures around him, to hear voices shouting above him. They were vague, flitting figures, blurring like the faces of the people in the dark room when they looked at him and said nothing. There were voices, but he could not understand their words. He was confused, and there was a darkness filling his head as the black water had tried to fill his lungs.
"What the heck is going on here, Doc?"
"He had a relapse, sir, but he’s going to be all right. That drink they gave him seems to have semi-persistent qualities."
"WHAT?!"
"Colonel, don’t worry, the crisis just ended. It had all the symptoms of asthma, just like before, and there was a large amount of rapid bronchial swelling. The attack came almost without warning. Frankly, sir, it was like a miracle when the crisis passed. I couldn’t get him to respond, and I tried everything I could think of. I was afraid we were going to lose him, and suddenly he just started breathing. I don’t know how he did it, sir, but he pulled himself out of it."
"He’s a strong kid, even if he doesn’t look like it."
"Yes, sir, he certainly is."
"It’s a good thing he is, because if he ever pulls a stunt like this again – "
"Colonel..."
"Doc?"
"I can’t have you threatening my patients, sir. I’ll have to ask you to leave if you don’t stop that immediately."
"You know I wouldn’t do anything, Doc."
"I know, Colonel, I know."
"Is it all right if I..?"
"Go right ahead, sir. I think he’s only half-conscious, but he should be able to hear you."
Daniel was too tired to move, too tired to care where he was anymore. All that mattered was that he was free of the dark water, that he had kept his promise to Sha’re and escaped before it consumed him.
"Daniel?"
He looked beside him, and there was a man standing there, his short hair standing on end and his brown eyes haunted with fear. Another image rose to the surface of Daniel’s mind, an image of the same face looking into his while he lay on the ground, struggling to breathe.
Jack.
"Daniel, you’re gonna be fine, hear me? You’ve been through a lot, but it’s all over now. You pulled through on your own. I’m proud of you, Danny boy. Now don’t scare me like that again, and that’s an order."
Daniel understood what Jack was saying to him, but he was too tired to answer. Besides, the world around him did not feel real yet, and nothing seemed to matter except that he was back, that he had made it.
Jack smiled a little into Daniel’s eyes, and ruffled the young man’s hair with a gentle hand before he left.
"G’night, Daniel. Everything’s going to be fine. I’ll see you in the morning."
Then Jack was gone, and Daniel closed his eyes wearily, listening to the soft voices of the nurses and Doctor Fraiser as they tiptoed around his bed. He had done it, but only with her help, with Sha’re’s help. When he was dying, she had come to him, bathed in her own silver light, her dark eyes shining as they looked into his. When he had needed her most, she had helped him, saved him. With her help, and only with her help, he had done it: he had saved his last breath.
He opened his eyes and for a moment he saw her there before him, shining with a bright silver light, like a goddess, like an angel. Daniel looked at her, saw her beautiful eyes, her black hair flowing softly over her shoulders as she held her hands out to him. Her eyes were bright with a tremulous joy, and as she gazed into his face, she smiled at him. Then, in a flash of light, she was gone. His angel was gone.
But he would find her again, someday, somewhere, and they would be together once more. He could still feel her love for him in his heart, singing to him like Sha’re used to do, long ago on Abydos. And her sweet voice still echoed in his ears as a tear flowed unnoticed down his cheek, her voice that was giving him hope once more.
"We will meet again, Sha’re. I promise you that."
"Yes, Dan’yel, we will meet again."
© November 2004 The characters mentioned in this story are the property of Showtime and Gekko Film Corp. The Stargate, SG-I, the Goa'uld and all other characters who have appeared in the series STARGATE SG-1 together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of MGM-UA Worldwide Television, Gekko Film Corp, Glassner/Wright Double Secret Productions and Stargate SG-I Prod. Ltd. Partnership. This fanfic is not intended as an infringement upon those rights and solely meant for entertainment. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author.