• SPOILERS : Scorched Earth
• SUMMARY : The SGC has once again been overrun by an alien incursion, but this one has Jack O’Neill wrapped around her little finger.
• 13+ [D] [Hu]

It moved with a sensual grace inbred in its kind since those early days in the beginning when tempting Eve to take that first bite of forbidden fruit in the garden. The hunter – tasting the air with the fork of its tongue. Scales scraped silently across the rough concrete floor. It paused, the primitive brain warring with raw instinct and basic need – the need for food.

She stirred restlessly in her sleep, emitting quiet, undecipherable mutters before crying out softly, "Mama." Frozen, it honed in on the movement, sensing the heat of prey. A tiny arm wrapped tightly around the neck of a stuffed rabbit emerged from the warm sanctuary of the covers and lay exposed. The mutters died away with the final, heavy sigh of deep sleep. It skated closer, effortlessly slithered up the smooth bed post, and locked icy eyes on pale skin.

It paused as fingers twitched and tightened around the rabbit, its weight creasing the blanket at the foot of the bed as it watched and waited, assuring itself there was no danger. Closer – towards her face, until it lay within striking distance, actually resting on a bed of soft curls. Muscles tensed, ready.

"Maci!" Jack fought to free himself of the constricting coils of the sheets. Kicking wildly, he thrashed out at the serpent. Ignoring the knife blades of pain stabbing through his spine, he twisted to make a wild grab for the child.

"Jack?" Golden eyes brimming with sleep blinked owlishly at him. "I have to pee."

It was a mistake. He knew that even before he rotated his shoulders, trying to find that magic number to unlock the combination to his spine. "Dammit," he hissed softly as he sat up and fumbled for the table lamp. He eyed the smooth blankets on the cot. No snake. Just a sleepy four year old with tousled curls and a curious expression of acceptance of the strange behavior of adults.

"Lucky says I need to go now, Jack." The rabbit nodded, his ears flopping in agreement.

"Okay, kiddo. But first, why don't you and Lucky climb over here in the big bed while I straighten your covers?" The sheets rustled softly as she immediately clambered from beneath her nest of blankets, stood up and leaped across the short span between the cot and bed. Giggling, Maci jumped up and down on the mattress, catching Jack's shoulder to balance while sending shockwaves telegraphing curses to his brain via his spinal column.

"No more monkeys jumping on the bed," she chanted as she bounced. "That was in my new book."

"Uh-huh," Jack grunted, gritting his teeth as he hoisted himself upright. Cautiously snagging the blanket from the cot, he shook it. No snake. The sheet was likewise serpent free. He held it aloft, carefully checking both sides in case the snake had the ability to imitate a dryer sheet or a stray sock and cling to the fabric. Maci had stopped bouncing and was watching him dismember the bedding. The bare cot lay naked and exposed, and thankfully displayed an absence of reptilian coils. For a moment, Jack contemplated bending down to check for enemy presence beneath the small bed before the Swiss Army Knife twisted again, calling on yet another of its versatile blades to sever his spine. "Ah, screw it," he grunted as he tipped the cot over with his toe. Nothing. It had been a freakin' dream.

"Jack?"

He eyed the corner of the room suspiciously, daring the figment of his nightmare to show itself. "Okay, one monkey needs to use the can, right?" Maci giggled and bounced again, leaping towards him. He caught her robotically and bit back the grunt as he set her gently on the floor. "Hang on just a minute. I want to check for something." Walking stiffly into the bathroom, Jack scanned the floor and stool. Maci padded in and stood staring from the doorway.

Glancing towards the bathtub, Jack shuddered, unable to erase the image of the squirming knot of newly hatched pythons struggling to escape its confines. He could still hear Teal'c's calm announcement that one of the snakes was missing. He ran his hand through his hair, leaving it as spiky as his frayed nerves, as he scanned the room for possible sniper, or viper lairs as it were.

The vent – the one behind the toilet. What if the freakin' snake was coiled up in there waiting to ambush an unsuspecting user? It was bad enough picturing himself with his backside exposed to attack, but the thought of Maci's bare legs swinging back and forth tempting a strike was too much. With a groan, he gingerly lowered himself to his knees, ignoring their voice in the chorus of protests his back was singing, as he grabbed the toilet lid and rotated to maneuver into the small space between the bowl and wall. 'Kree! Bow before your porcelain god.' Jack snorted, his face flushed as his wide shoulders twisted and he fought for the extra inch or two he needed.

It struck like lightning. Not the snake. No, being squeezed to death would almost have been a pleasure compared to the bands of constricting pain threatening to crush the air from his lungs if he remained vertical. "Oh, crap." Jack groaned as he retreated and curled up on his side.

"Jack?" Concerned, Maci curled up on her side, facing him. "Are we gonna sleep on the floor?"

He forced back a bloodcurdling scream of pure agony and instead pasted a sickly smile on his face. "Maybe. It's nice and cool down here." He patted the hard concrete for emphasis.

Maci frowned, her little face mere inches from his. "But it's hard."

"Yeah, but I like hard beds. Don't you?"

"No." Golden eyes studied him without reserve. "Jack?"

Biting his lower lip as a spasm raced the length of his spine, he grunted out a pathetic, "What?"

"Do you think mommy misses me?"

His back momentarily forgotten, Jack reached out a hand and caressed her cheek. "You know what I think?"

"What?"

"I think mommies always know what you're feeling no matter how far away they are."

"How?"

"I'm not sure. But I think when you're playing with your new toys and you're having fun, your mommy knows it and it makes her happy."

"And if I cry, does it make her cry?"

"Mostly, I think she just wishes she could give you a hug."

"Maybe if you holded me, mommy would feel better."

Jack knew his grin fell more on the grimace side of the fence, but the little girl accepted it. "You know, that just might work."

Maci wormed her way into his arms, looked up and gifted him with a wobbly smile of her own.

* * * * *

"Colonel, I don't think I need to tell you what your back needs most is a dose of good old-fashioned rest. You've strained the muscles and aggravated the condition with a combination of too little sleep, too much tension and a really bad mattress." She glanced at the cot Teal'c had righted to its former ignoble position next to the bed.

"No kidding," Jack muttered.

"The muscle relaxers will help. They're going to make you sleepy, but that's a good thing. I know you don't want to hear it, sir, but moving around is just going to make it worse. And," her voice rose in warning as she read the argument brewing in his espresso eyes, "if you insist on disregarding my orders, I'll have no choice but to confine you to the infirmary and put you in traction. And neither of us want that, do we, sir?"

Heaving an ill-tempered sigh, Jack scowled. "No," he grunted. "We certainly wouldn't want that." Actually, although Doc would have had to put him on the rack to glean a confession, he was damn glad to be in his current location. The mattress in the VIP suite was a hell of a lot more comfortable than the concrete floor of the bathroom where Teal'c had found him squirming in pain, his back knotted like those freakin' snakes. After a formidable effort to climb to his knees had failed miserably, he'd caved and called Teal'c, knowing full well Fraiser wouldn't be far behind.

"Doc, one problem." He nodded covertly towards Maci who was ignoring the adults and was squeezing Lucky's furry arms into a terrycloth bathrobe he vaguely remembered covering the plastic nakedness of the doll prior to the bubble bath. He wasn't sure if the rabbit wore a habitually alarmed expression, or if Doc's pills were beginning to work their magic, but he found a disconcerting parallel in the way Maci and Doc manipulated their charges with so little effort. Lucky, the fuzzy, brown rabbit, and Colonel Gray Hare with the fuzzy thinking. Jack gave a drunken snort.

Janet's expression softened and her lips curved into a gentle smile as she watched the little girl play. "Don't worry, Colonel. I have a pretty good idea I won't have any trouble lining up babysitters while you rest."

"I would be most happy to observe the child at play, O'Neill."

"There's a little more to it than just watchin' her, T." A yawn threatening to dislocate his jaw interrupted him. "You've gotta, you know, play with her. Interact and stuff."

A pleased expression broke through the Jaffa's customary stoicism. "I understand," Teal'c answered calmly. Jack battled another yawn and lost.

"And no riding the motorcycle, T. I know you've had your eye on it, but Carter's got her hands full with the Slinky so she won't have time to fix it if you break it."

Teal'c frowned, clearly offended.

"There you go then." Janet hid a grin as she smoothed the blanket, automatically pressing the back of her hand gently against Jack's forehead. "Teal'c, call me if you need anything, and please make sure the colonel takes his medication. I'll send Daniel or Sam to relieve you in a couple of hours."

"And, T, keep your eyes open for that damn snake. Sneaky thing could be anywhere." The muttered order puddled off into inarticulate mumbles pooling in a soft snore.

Janet frowned. "Snake?"

"An infant reptile of the python species," Teal'c interceded softly.

"Swell. Do I even want to know?" Janet shook her head in amazement. "Silly me. And here I thought an angry chipmunk was the worst the O'Neill menagerie had to offer. Colonel, behave–" Smiling at her comatose patient, she shared an amused glance with Teal'c. "Call me," she repeated softly. "It doesn't look like this half of the dynamic duo will be giving you any trouble. I'll check back in a few hours."

* * * * *

The fragment of a strangled snort of a snore cut off abruptly. His dry throat paid testimony to the effectiveness of Doc's pills. He'd been sleeping and obviously moonlighting as a lumberjack, sawing some major league logs. For a moment, he considered checking the dampness of the pillow on the off chance he'd done something embarrassingly gross, like drool. But then, maybe Maci would think drooling was neat. Either way – gross or neat – he was pretty sure drooling lay within the end-zone of acceptably cool by four year old standards. A conversation leaked through the layers of wool surrounding his brain, thankfully interrupting the drivel on dribble. Scrubbing his palm across his eyes, Jack rolled his head towards the sound of the voices and blinked, struggling to make sense of the scene.

"You have purdy hair, Teak. Pootie had purdy hair, too, but yours is nice and shiny."

Jack squinted. He could have sworn Maci was sitting on a chair with Teal'c resting comfortably on the floor at her feet while the little girl brushed his bald pate with her doll's hairbrush. What the heck had Doc given him?

"My mother's hair was long and quite beautiful," Teal'c quietly intoned. "She wore it draped over one shoulder. I remember well how she sat before the fire and brushed it. A thousand points of light reflected in its depths."

Jack blinked again and shook his head. Teal'c – relaxed – chatting about hairstyles with his pint-sized stylist who was all decked out in her footed, camouflage PJ's. In all the years they'd known each other, Teal'c had maybe mentioned his parents once, and yet here he was sharing memories with Maci. Okay, that was weird.

"Teak, do you think the Badmeers burned up Pootie and ate him, cause that's what Gartan said they'd do to my turtle babies?"

Jack's dry throat constricted at the raw concern in the child's voice. He was on the verge of interceding – of reminding Maci they'd already discussed Pootie's safety – when the deep sonorous tone of Teal'c's voice reassured them both. "I do not. I, myself, scouted most diligently for your friend. There was no sign. Would not your parents protect such a valuable commodity?"

Maci's face scrunched as she stopped brushing. "Com. . .mostity?" She sighed, clearly relieved to have conquered the odd word. "Pootie's a babbit, Teak, not a com . . .mostity."

"O'Neill made that quite clear to all concerned." Despite being drugged, Jack could hear the underlying amusement in Teal'c's declaration. "Do you believe your parents would forget to take something you treasured?"

The brush hung limply as the little girl processed his words. "No, Mama would pack Pootie in her treasure box. The one that's gots the stuff that's really important, like the necklace Jinar made her out of the purdy shells, and the tooth Fagyn got knocked out when he played rough with the big boys. Mama says it's filled with special memories, but I know she puts stuff in there, too."

"And, is this box large enough to accommodate your babbit?"

Any reciprocal amusement Jack might have experienced upon hearing the former First Prime's use of the word 'babbit' evaporated as he stared at the solemn expression on the child's face. "Daddy made it a big box, 'cause he said Mama would need lots of room for her treasures with all us kids."

"Indeed. Then you may be assured that Pootie is quite safe."

"Thank you, Teak."

Yeah, thank you, Teak, Jack echoed silently. Maybe the whole hairdresser scene hadn't been so weird after all.

* * * * *

A muffled 'humph' woke him. Crap. He didn't even remember dozing off. Jack shifted – slowly testing his muscles – just before a bundle of golden eyed, alien kid clambered up and bounced her way across the bed. Jack flinched as jean-clad knees barely missed his unprotected belly. He threw up his arms in self-defense and bit off the tail-end of a threatening curse as Maci's bouncing played chopsticks on his spine.

"Jack, I kicked Junior!"

He'd snagged her tee-shirt on a downbeat and pulled her gently down next to him before her words sank past the need for self-preservation. "You did what?"

Maci beamed as one tiny finger traced over the stubble on his jaw. "You're all rough," she giggled. "Like the scraping brush the men uses on the hides."

"Ah, come on," Jack sleepily protested. "It's not that bad yet. Now, what did you do?"

Maci snuggled close, burrowing into the crook of his arm. "It worked just like you said."

"Huh?"

"That little snake in Teak's tummy don't like to be kicked."

Oh crap. Jack risked a look across the room. Teal'c sat on the floor, a stone-faced island in a sea of puzzle pieces. Struggling to sit up, Jack could see a half-formed picture of a perky chipmunk. "You okay, T?"

"I am."

Okay, Teal'c was hacked. Jack never failed to be amazed at the range of feelings the big guy could express with a word or two. Time for some damage control.

"Where'd the puzzle come from?"

"I believe it was a gift from the teammates of Sergeant O’Dwyer."

Jack frowned, struggling to clear his muddy thoughts. O'Dwyer? "That jarhead that got bit by the chipmunk? Okay, for the record, it was not my fault that idiot brought that thing in. I told him to find a tur-" he skidded to a drunken stop, suddenly aware of Maci's rapt attention, "-dah. I told him to go find a turd."

"Just as you instructed the child in the art of disabling a Prim'ta." There was no question mark at the end of the sentence. The way Teal'c said it made it clear it was a statement.

"Ah, listen, Teal'c. I'm sorry. I was just showing the kid a few moves in self-defense. I didn't think . . ."

"That is apparent, O'Neill," Teal'c interrupted as he rose gracefully to his feet, the frown still affixed to his face. "Dr. Fraiser left instructions that you were to take your medication. Please do so immediately." He gazed impassively at the far wall, studiously avoiding eye contact. "I believe it is time to – as you say – call in the reserves. I shall summon Major Carter."

Jack flinched as the door banged shut, a move which caused the spasms in his back to reawaken. "Maci, you shouldn't have kicked Teal'c," he said sternly "That was naughty. Teal'c's our friend."

Tears welled. "But Teak said he was a Jafer, and you said Jafers was bad."

Jack swallowed, tightening his grip around her shoulders. "Yeah, I might have said that, but I should have been clearer. I didn't mean all . . . Jafers. Teal'c's our friend," he repeated, "and we don't kick friends. Got it?"

Maci nodded, her chin quivering. "So I shouldn't kick Daniel?"

"Nope," Jack groaned, eyeing with longing the prescription bottle sitting on the table beside the bed.

"How 'bout the one who hurt my arm?"

"No way. You can't kick, Carter. Remember she's gonna fix your Slinky, so that qualifies her as a friend."

"The man with the grandkids?" Maci asked as she lay on her back kicking her legs and jarring the bed.

"No! Rule number one: no kicking generals. In fact, let's just say, no kicking anyone here on the base, okay?" Trying to ignore the flares shooting up and down the length of his spine, he watched as Maci processed the new rules.

Finally, letting her legs drop limply onto the bed, she looked over at him. "Okay. I'll tell Teak I'm sorry."

Jack smiled. "That'd be good."

Staring up at the dingy ceiling, they lay side-by-side in companionable silence. Jack was beginning to think Maci had dozed off when a small voice whispered, "Jack, can I kick the Badmeers if they come back and try to get me?"

His throat tightened as he answered softly, "Baby, if that happens, you won't have to. I'll kick 'em for you."

* * * * *

Where the hell was Carter? Lifting his head, grimacing at the agony which resulted, Jack glanced over Maci's sleeping form at the pill bottle sitting . . . out of his reach. Groaning softly, he dropped his head back down on the pillow. The spasms in his back were screaming that not only was he way overdue on taking his meds, but that Teal'c had deliberately planned this – leaving him high and dry and suffering just because he'd taught the kid to defend herself. It was true what they said: Jaffa had no sense of humor.

Throwing a quick glance at Maci, Jack gently rolled away from her and onto his right side. Gasping, biting his lower lip, he lay there a moment waiting for the spasms to ease – which they didn't. Preparing to sit up, he took a deep breath and reminded himself that it was just mind over matter. After all, he'd crawled nine days across burning sand, gravely wounded, dehydrated, bleeding and starving. This was nothing. Just a few damned muscles that were bitching and moaning about a little sleep loss and a cot with a bar across the middle. What was he, a sissy?

Easing his legs over the side of the bed, he used his elbow to force himself upright. Geesh. Yeah, okay. So he was a sissy. So what? There were worse things he could be. His eyes watered and the muscles holding his ribcage together clamped down in protest, seriously hampering his breathing. Panting softly, he used his arms and his gimpy knees to ease himself upright – which, he discovered, was a relative term.

He stood, hunched over like Atlas with the weight of the world resting on his shoulders. He stared at the floor and panted. The task was simple, really: breathe, walk around the bed, grab the pill bottle, and swallow a couple of capsules. Maybe take a pee while he was upright.

Upright? He snorted softly in amusement, then flinched at the answering spasm, which triggered another flinch, another spasm. Catch-22. Oh, God. Drugs. He needed drugs.

Slowly, desperately, he shuffled along the side of the bed. Who knew lifting your foot required back muscles? He was making good time. Actually might make it completely around the bed before his next birthday. He rounded the foot of the bed before encountering a slight problem – a tiny wad of camouflage PJ's lay in his path. Jack stopped and studied the small mound. The perfect place for a baby snake to find shelter. Briefly, he considered actually bending over and picking them up. At the mere thought, a flare ignited somewhere near the base of his spine and shot upwards to the back of his neck. Gasping softly, he reconsidered.

Slowly, with one bare foot, Jack started to ease the garment out of his path. "Ah!" He jerked his foot back at the feel of the small, slender form coiled beneath the cloth. He planted one hand on his aching back, groaned, and squinted down at . . . the leather strap of his sunglasses? Frowning, he toed the cloth to the side, and sighed in relief. Crap! He'd nearly wet himself over a pair of Ray-Bans.

His heart still racing dramatically, he carefully sidestepped the obstruction on the floor and continued his trek towards Bottled Bliss. Narcotic Nirvana. Janet's Jelly Beans. Prescription Paradise.

"Are you supposed to be up?"

Startled, he jerked at the sudden sound of Carter's voice, then moaned and grabbed his low back. "Dammit," he quietly cursed, glanced at the still sleeping child, then glared over at his second-in-command. "What the hell are you trying to do to me, Major?"

Silently closing the door, Carter blushed and gave him a sheepish grin. "Sorry, sir," she whispered, "but . . . should you be up?"

"Probably not."

"Then-"

"If it's all right with you, I need to take a pee."

"Oh." Looking a bit confused, she glanced towards the bathroom then back at him. "Do you need-"

"No." No. He definitely did not need anybody to help him take a piss. Not Carter. Not Daniel. Not Teal'c. No one. In fact, the day he needed help taking a leak was the day he'd . . . well, do something drastic. Trying to ignore the fact that Carter was obviously as relieved as he was, Jack nonchalantly shuffled his way towards the bathroom.

"Colonel, when did you last take your medication?"

Concentrating on maintaining a somewhat steady gait, Jack shrugged, then grimaced. "I don't know, Carter. You know me and pills."

"Yes, sir, I do." Moving with the lithe grace of one who's never had a back spasm in her life, she skirted around him, snagged the bottle of pills, and studied the label before looking over at him. Finally reaching the bathroom, Jack latched onto the door frame with a shaky hand and glanced at her and the Capsulated Comfort she held in her hand. She was staring.

"What?"

Carter shrugged. "It's just, you look miserable."

"Your point being?"

She held up the small bottle. "Sir, I really think you should take a pill." When he hesitated, she stepped close and held them out to him. "Please."

Sighing heavily, he frowned and grabbed the bottle from her hand. "Fine. Whatever."

* * * * *

"Here it comes!"

Jack flinched and opened his eyes to an empty cot and the moss-colored wall of the VIP suite. Blinking heavily, he studied the camouflage PJ's which had been neatly folded and placed on the foot of the cot, and he tried to grasp the remnants of the latest dream. Surreptitiously, he slipped one hand under his pillow to reassure himself that it had been just that . . . a dream. Nothing more. No deadly serpent coiled beneath the warm layer of goose down. Pulling his hand free, he wiped a layer of sweat from his forehead.

"Snake eyes!"

"What the – where?" Jack sat up, then gasped and dropped back onto the mattress. "Oh, God," he groaned.

"Colonel?"

Easing himself onto his back, he squinted over at Carter and Maci who were sitting at the table. "Carter, what the hell's going on?"

"Jack, watch!" Maci grinned and threw something onto the table.

"Great throw!" Sam cheered and smiled over at Jack. "She's got a knack for rolling doubles."

"Wonderful," he grumbled and threw an arm over his eyes.

"Sorry, sir. We didn't mean to wake you."

But Jack was already drifting off, wondering if perhaps he shouldn't have doubled up on the dose of pills.

* * * * *

"No!" Maci yelled.

Jack tried to open his eyes but they wouldn't work.

"I don't want it."

"But you said you liked pizza," Carter insisted.

Trying to wake up, Jack frowned when he discovered he was paralyzed. He thought he might have panicked if he weren't so numb.

"Jack says pizza makes my tummy hurt."

He did. He did say that. But only because Doc had said it first.

"Well, he's wrong. I promise. Now, come on. Just eat it before it gets cold."

Blanketed under a heavy, narcotic mist, Jack heard a wet splat. As he was violently pulled down towards the dark depths of sleep, there was a momentary, stunned silence.

"I cannot believe you did that," Carter quietly stated.

* * * * *

"Please," she whispered.

Jack smiled and, eyes closed, he rolled his head towards the sound of the soft, feminine voice.

"Please," she repeated, more emphatically.

"You're mean!" Maci declared.

"Sshhh. You'll wake him up."

There was a childish sniffle before Maci threatened, "I'm gonna wake him up and tell him what you did."

What? Jack struggled to lift his head and open his eyes. He was rewarded with the glare of the bedside lamp blinding him and a sharp pain centered somewhere between his shoulder blades. He moaned softly and lowered his head back onto the pillow.

"Jack?" Maci said.

"Maci," Carter whispered, "please, don't tell him."

"Tell me what?" he mumbled drunkenly.

"Nothing, sir," Carter assured him. "Just go back to sleep."

* * * * *

Something soft brushed his cheek. Jack flinched. Eyes still closed, he turned his head and nestled into the pillow. Distantly, he was aware of the quiet murmur of a voice and the dim glow of a lamp through his closed eyelids. He was nearly asleep when something touched his face again, a soft tickling sensation skimming along his cheekbone. Gasping, he tensed and opened his eyes.

Maci was kneeling on the bed beside him, smiling. "Hi, Jack," she whispered.

His mouth as dry as Carter's infamous butterscotch brownies, he waggled his fingers at her in response.

Leaning closer, she continued to whisper. "I'm not a'sposed to wake you up. I'm a'sposed to let you sleep 'cause your back is stained."

Smiling, he wet his lips and dropped a hand onto a bony, jean-clad knee. "Thank you," he whispered back.

"You're welcome," she grinned.

"So," Jack tried to ease himself up onto his elbows, then grimaced and relaxed back onto the bed, "have you been having fun?"

Maci shrugged.

"No?"

"Teal'c played dolls with me."

"No kidding? What about Carter? Did she play with you?"

Frowning, Maci shrugged again. Haunted by a vague, disturbing memory of something he'd dreamt Carter said, Jack decided a change of subject was in order. Before his drugged brain could come up with anything, Maci giggled and bounced on her knees.

"You make funny noises when you sleep, Jack."

Grimacing at the gentle yet painful jarring along his spine, Jack denied it. "No, I don't."

Maci nodded her head, her curls dancing. "Ah-huh. You do, too. You make noises like this," she declared and immediately started snorting like a little pig.

"Maci?" Janet Frasier's voice was soon followed by the woman herself, who stepped around the foot of the bed. "I'm sorry, sir. I was on the phone." She smiled at Maci. "We have to let the colonel sleep, Maci, so his back will feel better."

"I didn't wake him up. He woked up by himself. Didn't you, Jack?"

Jack grasped Maci's tiny hand in his and looked at Fraiser. "Yeah, Doc, I woked up by myself. She had nothing to do with it."

Janet lowered herself gently to the edge of the bed, sitting alongside him. "How are you feeling, sir?"

"How would I know? You've got me doped to the gills."

Janet studied his face then smiled innocently. "You look a little," she chuckled once, "flushed. Any pain? Still having spasms?"

"What, you mean those little flares that shoot up and down your spine and across your low back? The ones that make you feel like you're being zatted, or maybe poked with one of those pain stick thingys? Those things that jab you and make you tense up, which causes even more little shooters until finally they end up wrapping around your ribcage and squeezing the life out of you? Those things?"

"Yes, sir."

Jack paused momentarily before responding. "Nope. Not having any of those."

Janet nodded. "Right. Okay, well, why don't you roll over on your side anyway and let me take a look."

"Why? Think you can see them?" Still holding Maci's hand with one of his own, with his other he attempted to wipe the sleep from his eyes.

"Come on, sir." Janet nudged his hip. Grunting, Jack rolled towards Maci.

Tugging her hand free, Maci squirmed closer and leaned her elbows on his ribs, watching as Janet tugged Jack's t-shirt up in the back. "What are you doing?"

"I'm just checking his back to see how he's doing."

"Why?"

Janet's cool hands skimmed along his spine. "Because he hurt his back."

"Did he stain it?"

Jack snorted softly in amusement and he could hear the laughter in Janet's soft voice. "Yes, he strained it."

"Why?"

"I don't know why. Probably because he overworked the muscles and didn't use common sense."

A sharp little elbow digging into his ribs, Maci bent over and shoved her face close to Jack's. "Why did you do that, Jack?"

"Yes, sir, why _did_ you do that?"

"Would you just get on with it, Doc?"

In response, Janet pressed a finger into a particularly sore spot. Jack flinched and gasped.

"You're hurting him," Maci announced.

"Yeah," Jack agreed breathlessly, "you're hurting him."

"Sorry about that."

Seeing Maci's concerned frown, Jack forced a grin. "Hey, kiddo."

A chubby hand patted Jack's cheek. "Don't worry, Jack," Maci whispered. "I'll take care of you."

Jack stared into golden eyes that held his bloodshot ones unflinchingly. Only a child could meet your gaze in total disregard of the unwritten rule demanding you look away before someone saw too deeply into your soul and discovered your secrets. Apparently unconcerned by what she'd seen buried in the murky depths of his brown eyes, Maci leaned closer. The pain of her elbow digging into his side was nothing compared to the fiery sting of the innocent, trusting kiss planted on his stubbly chin.

Her hand gently patting his forehead, she smiled. "I won't let the Badmeers get you."

Mindless of Janet, who continued to examine his back, Jack smiled. "Thank you," he whispered.

* * * * *

Awakening to numbness once again, Jack lay sprawled like a fragile Granddaddy Long Legs across the bed. Smiling to himself at the image, he rolled his head and glanced across the room. Daniel and Maci were sitting at the table, and Daniel was doing something weird with his hands. Jack raised his head and squinted, trying to focus his dreary, drugged eyes.

"Down came the rain and washed the spider out," Daniel quietly sang.

What the hell?

"Out came the sun and dried up all the rain."

He had to be dreaming. Daniel couldn't possibly know the tune, lyrics and hand movements to Itsy Bitsy Spider.

"And the itsy bitsy spider crawled up the spout again," Daniel finished with a flourish.

Okay, so maybe he was wrong. Either that, or he was doing some serious Flying with Flexeril.

"Do it again," Maci demanded, trying to pinch the fingers of her hands together in an effort to mimic Daniel's actions.

"The itsy bitsy spider crawled up the water spout."

Jack laughed softly, causing Daniel to glance his way and smile. "Hey, Jack. How are you doing?"

Jack licked his dry lips. The inside of his mouth tasted like a shit-on-a-shingle MRE that was two months past its shelf life. "I'm not exactly sure. Were you just . . .?" he waggled his hand wearily.

Daniel straightened. "No."

Maci squirmed onto her knees on her chair. "Daniel sings pretty, doesn't he, Jack?"

"Oh, yeah," Jack chuckled. "A thing of beauty." His spine curiously numb, but his neck throbbing, Jack lowered his head back onto the pillow.

"What's so funny?"

Closing his eyes against the sudden spinning of the room, Jack swallowed bile and chose not to answer.

"Jack?" Daniel's voice telegraphed his concern across the expanse of the room.

"Daniel taught me the Aminal Fair song. Didn't you?"

"Uh-"

"Sing it for Jack," Maci insisted. When neither man responded, she added, "Are you sleeping? 'Cause Daniel says Aminal Fair puts him to sleep."

"Maci," Daniel whispered, "I think Jack's already-"

Forcing his eyes open, Jack watched as the turning of the room slowed, then settled to a wobbly stop. "I'm not asleep."

Daniel frowned. "You okay?"

"Yeah." Jack groaned softly and closed his eyes, smiling. "But, you know, I think Maci's right. I think a song might be just the ticket."

"Right. Like I'm going to-"

He could hear Maci bouncing with excitement. "I'll help you, Daniel."

Still smiling, Jack listened to the out-of-tune tale of a baboon combing its auburn hair. By the time the duo of alien child and pissed-off archeologist reached the telling of the monkey bumping the skunk and sitting on the elephant's trunk, making the hefty pachyderm sneeze, Jack was asleep.

* * * * *

Rolling onto his side, Jack opened his eyes and came face to face with the stiff smile of a fuzzy, stuffed rabbit. Glancing past it, he spied the room's other occupants who were completely oblivious to his waking. He wasn't sure how long he'd been asleep, but the ache in his spine and a snoring Daniel sitting slumped over the table with his head on a coloring book spoke volumes about the passage of time. Maci was sitting in the chair next to Daniel softly humming and meticulously cutting something from a page of her own coloring book with a pair of bright red, plastic scissors. Jack smiled at the sight of her tiny, pink tongue sticking out of her mouth as she concentrated on the task at hand.

With a soft groan, he forced himself to a sitting position. Glancing up at the noise, Maci smiled, dropped her scissors, and quietly clambered out of her chair. Racing across the room on silent bare feet, she scrambled onto the bed and crawled onto Jack's lap.

Wrapping his arms around her, Jack kissed the top of her head. "Hey, kiddo."

She snuggled close. "I missed you."

"I missed you, too."

"Lucky wanted to sleep with you so you wouldn't talk and stuff."

"Talk?"

"Ah-huh," she nodded. "Daniel said it was a bad dream."

"Oh." Embarrassed, Jack cleared his throat. "Well, thank you, Lucky."

"Is your back still stained, Jack?"

"Maybe just a little bit," he fudged. Smoothing her hair with one hand, he rested his cheek on her soft curls as the room wobbled slightly. He closed his eyes against the drug-induced dizziness. "Did you have fun today?"

She nodded, making his head bob. "Yeah. Daniel and Teak are fun."

"What about Carter? Isn't she fun, too?"

Maci was quiet for a moment, huddled against his chest staring at her wriggling, bare feet. "Would Carter be very sad if I didn't like her?"

"Are you kidding? Of course, she'd be sad. She really likes you."

She appeared to think about it carefully before hesitantly informing him, "My arm is all better. See?" She held it up for his inspection.

Frowning, Jack grasped the proffered forearm and examined it, admiring the tiny freckles and pale blonde peach fuzz. "It looks perfect."

"It doesn't even hurt."

"That's good. So," he released her arm and patted her leg, "is Carter forgiven?"

"What's that?"

"Forgiven? It means you won't not like her just because she accidentally hurt your arm."

Maci lifted one leg and pulled her foot close to her face, studying the sole. "I'll try to like her like I like Teak and Daniel."

"There's a good girl," Jack murmured.

"I like Doc, too, but her hands are cold and she makes me sit still and pokes me and stuff."

"Yeah. Me, too."

Letting go of her foot, Maci slipped one arm behind him and snuggled in. "But I like you best. You know how to hold me right and take care of me good."

Jack smiled. It was possibly the best compliment he'd received in years. Looking down, he found her staring up at him with guileless eyes. Momentarily at a loss for words, he planted a dry kiss on her forehead. "Thanks," he whispered.

"You're welcome. Can we go see my turtle babies now?"

Oh, crap. The turtle eggs. He'd completely forgotten them what with all the excitement of a missing snake and the 'I've fallen and can't get up' routine. "Uh-"

"Just wait 'til Mommy sees my turtle babies. Maybe she can rock them like she does Miya."

Great. Why didn't the kid just rip his heart out of his chest and feed it to the resident python . . . wherever the hell it was?

"You can rock turtle babies, can't you?"

Jack forced a smile. "Well, I guess-"

"Hey, guys. What's going on?" Daniel straightened and scrubbed sleep from his eyes with both hands.

Thank God – the archeologist had arrived to dig him out of the hole. "Daniel!"

"Jack." Daniel frowned over at him. "Everything okay?"

"What? Yeah. Everything's fine. Maci and I were just-"

"Hugging," Maci said, squeezing him.

"Uh, yeah," Jack agreed. "We were just hugging."

"And talking about my turtle babies. Jack's gonna take me to see them."

"Oh." Daniel glanced at Jack then gave him a sympathetic grimace. "You know, Maci, Jack probably should wait to take you to see them until his back is better."

Maci sat up. "But it is all better except for just a little bit, isn't it, Jack?"

"You know, Mace, I think maybe Daniel's right. I should probably wait."

"Oh."

Jack heard the crestfallen voice and wondered where he'd laid that bleeding heart. "Hey," he plastered on a smile and nudged her, "you hungry? How about we order room service?"

Grabbing her rabbit, Maci shrugged and slid off his lap. "Lucky's not hungry. Carter tried to make him eat room service before and he didn't like it."

Frowning, Jack watched her slowly drag the rabbit over to the table and go back to her coloring book. Crap. Feeling like a mean asshole, he inched closer to the edge of the bed and used his hands to push himself up. He was like Maci's turtle eggs – fragile, busted and a complete mess. As he tentatively straightened, the room spun once, twice, then settled, leaving him swaying slightly.

"Jack?" Daniel was at his elbow, holding his arm in a firm grip. "You okay?"

"Huh? Yeah." Bleary-eyed, he looked at Daniel and grinned. Then he laughed softly.

"What?"

"New barber?"

"What?" Daniel repeated.

"What, what?"

"Jack, please don't st-"

"Daniel, I gotta whiz like a race horse so," Jack forced his eyes off Daniel's hair, "either help me or get out of the way."

"Okay. Fine."

Slowly, the two made their way to the bathroom. As they inched their way inside, Daniel pushed the door closed, let go of Jack and glanced in the mirror.

"Oh my-," Daniel gasped loudly and leaned close to the mirror. "What the hell?" As Jack turned his back, emptying his bladder with a healthy sigh, Daniel ran his hands through his hair, his eyes glued to the image in the mirror. "I can't believe this." He slapped the sink with his hand. "Dammit! I cannot believe this."

Adjusting his sweatpants, Jack turned around and smiled. "Oh, Daniel, don't make such a big deal out of it."

Daniel glowered at him. "If I were you, I'd lay off."

Chuckling, Jack squinted, studying Daniel's hair. "You know, I think that big chunk she cut out of the front gives you an, oh, I don't know, kind of an innocent, little boy look. It's just so – so you."

"Qin wode pigu," Daniel mumbled.

Jack shivered dramatically. "Oh, yeah, talk dirty to me," he laughed.

"Chi shi," Daniel rebutted.

There was a knock on the door.

"Who is it?" Jack called cheerily.

"What are you doing in there?" Maci yelled.

Turning to open the door, Daniel grinned. "You know, Jack – you chou wang ba dan – you might want to take a look at yourself before you start telling me to take it easy."

"Why?"

Daniel shrugged and opened the door. "I'm just saying. Hi, Maci."

"What are you guys doing?"

"We're just admiring your handiwork," Daniel said nicely. "Did you cut my hair?"

"Ah-huh. Do you like it?"

"Well, it's very . . . very different. And short. Thank you." He nodded towards Jack. "And did you do that, too?"

"Do what?" Jack frowned.

"Yeah. Doc said he looked pretty."

What the . . .? Jack shuffled over to the mirror. "Holy crap!" He was wearing lipstick. And blush! Really, really bad blush. He leaned closer to the mirror, his spasming back nothing but a minor nuisance compared to the pain of his face.

"Do you like it, Jack? I made you like Teak."

And she had. With what appeared to be a permanent, lime-green marker she'd drawn a childlike facsimile of a squiggly tattoo in the center of his forehead.

"Yeah, Jack," Daniel laughed, "do you like it?"

And, oh God – eyeliner. A nice thick layer of it. Please, please, let it be water soluble. As he turned on the tap, Daniel set Maci on the counter near the sink. Jack wet a washcloth and roughly scrubbed it over one eye. There was a slight smudge in the thick, dark line. Nothing more. This might call for the big guns. "Do we have any GoJo?"

Maci's voice was soft. "Jack?"

"GoJo? What's that?" Daniel asked.

As Maci tapped him on the arm, Jack ordered Daniel to look under the sink. "It's in a big orange container. It smells like oranges but it'll take the stripes off a zebra. Don't ask, just look."

"Jack?"

Moving aside to give Daniel room to look under the sink, Jack stared at himself in the mirror. Okay. This wasn't her fault. She was just a little kid. But he and Doc were going to have a serious discussion about the amount of drugs she was dishing out. Crap, he must have been in the Twilight Zone.

She tapped him again. "Jack?"

Sighing, he looked at her. "What, baby?"

"How come you're washing it off? Don't you like it?"

"Yeah, Jack," Daniel's muffled voice drifted out from the vanity where he had the upper half of his body shoved, "don't you like it?"

Giving Daniel a sharp poke with a knobby knee, Jack smiled at Maci. "Of course, I like it. But Teal'c might get upset. You know, he kinda has the market on the make-up thing."

"How many VIP's have stayed in here?" Daniel grumbled. "There's all kinds of stuff under here. Hey, Jack, is this the room Nirrti stayed in? If it is, I think I've discovered a little known secret." He held out a box of super-size tampons.

"Well, that could explain a lot of things," Jack muttered.

As Maci frowned, Daniel squealed and shot out of the vanity, scooting back against the far wall.

"What?" Jack demanded.

His blue eyes wide, his patchy hair sticking up in irregular angles, Daniel gasped. "I think I saw a snake."

<finis>

Authors’ Note: It has been said that there are times we must get in touch with our inner child. This fic is a result of allowing our inner children access to the same playground.

© July 2005 Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story is for entertainment purposes only, and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the authors. This story may not be posted elsewhere without the consent of the authors.

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