Blackness. Its all I’ve seen for--I’m not sure how long. My memories of the past few days are--less than accurate. There are a few recollections that are clear-- crystal, in fact Others are dim-I have little more than a feeling about what happened. Some are -- well --just blank.
I remember getting the call late at night (there was blackness then too.) I ‘d been pulled from my sleep and was drenched cold in sweat from a dream I can’t remember now, the sound of a scream still echoing in my ears. I thanked God it was only a dream. It was starting to grow dim even then, but I sense the nightmare was about death..
The phone was ringing. I wasn’t sure which woke me, the dream or the phone. On the other end was General Hammond. He was calling us in for a special mission which he didn’t want to discuss on an unsecured line-instead he would explain it all at the briefing. As he spoke the back my neck began to tingle; an old soldier’s sign that something was wrong, but I didn’t listen to that sign.
I don’t remember the briefing, but I think it had something to do with a message. ( I hate this-- thoughts are jumbled, time takes jumps forward. They must have given me some kind of drug--and not the happy kind like Doc Fraiser gives).
The next thing I remember is being in the Gate Room with Daniel-- telling him about the dream; what it was and how it seemed so real or, more accurately, how it would come to be real. I don’t know why I told him. He wasn’t particularly given to beliefs in the supernatural. I think maybe I thought that even if he didn’t believe he would listen. I was right.
"So you think you had something like a ...vision?" When Daniel said it that way it sounded so farfetched I began to play it down.
"A dream," I corrected.
"And it left you with a... premonition?"
"A feeling."
"But not a strong enough feeling to call off the mission?"
"Well Daniel, I can’t ask Hammond to scrub the mission on account of nightmares can I?"
I think he knew my sarcasm came from frustration and concern, but I still felt the need to soften it anyway.
"We just have to be careful out there." Pity I didn’t take my own advice.
The walk through the gate is a blank, but I do remember seeing Carter gunned down the moment we set foot on the other side. That memory, unfortunately, is one of the crystal ones; as is the memory of seeing Apophis waiting for us and realizing that we had walked into a trap; and the one about Teal’c being taken away to be sold to some bounty hunter. I think that’s going to be my fate as well.
Apophis had something different in mind for Daniel, however. He wanted something from him, a translation of a text carved on stone tablets or... something. He didn’t say, but I knew it was all wrapped up with Sha’re and the boy. I knew because of what Apophis said. We were kneeling (of course we were kneeling-it seems we always have to do that) He was taunting Daniel, saying words he knew would drive him crazy.
"You told me once you did not believe I loved Amaunet, do you still think that?"
"Yes, I don’t believe you’re capable of loving anyone, not even your mate..or should I say *dead* mate."
Apophis moved in and stood close to Daniel , "If you don’t believe it, then why did you take such pleasure in telling me of her death? Pleasure in tormenting me with it now?"
Daniel tried to look away but Apophis pulled his head around until their eyes met. "We are closer in thought and action than you care to admit." "I’m don’t think so!" Daniel attempted to break free of his grasp, but Apophis only held him tighter, speaking to him in hissing tones.
"You can never break free of me. We are bound by what we hold in common.
Sorrow over our lost loves, our need ,despite our differing purpose, to safeguard the child from those that would kill him, ....our hate for each other; perhaps our hate is the strongest bond of all."
Daniel struggled, but Apophis still held him, his voice growning louder, "Our emotions binds us, they enslaves us. Our passions are a fire that burn hot within us. It is our desires that drive us,- lead us in our quest. It is that quest that brought you to me." Apophis finally released him by throwing him to the ground. "You will tell me what I want or I will know the pleasure of your pain until you can be made a host."
The next thing I remembered was the blackness.
Silence is what I had with the blackness. It was only broken by the occasional scream that I’m sure came from Daniel. I don’t know how much time passed. The drug must still be having an effect, my mind and recollections are fuzzy. I think they brought Daniel in once, or maybe it was just a dream.
The torture had been sever, but Apophis didn’t want Daniel to die from his injuries, he needed him alive. Before passing out, Daniel told me Apophis was hiding out. He hadn’t wanted to draw attention to himself, so he was on this world with out a mother ship, or the usual fanfare the System Lords bring with them. I figured that meant there was no Sarcophagus on the planet or any where close enough to do anyone any good. Why else would he have brought Daniel to my cell? He had to know I would care for him and help him heal.
His body was covered in dark bruises and bright blood. I thought once I cleaned him up it wouldn’t look so bad, but I was wrong. He was out for a long time. For a long time, I was afraid.
When Daniel became lucid he told me, "I can do it. I can translate the tablets Apophis has."
"What do they say?"
He closed his eyes tight like blocking something out, "He can’t find out, Jack. No one can. He’ll go after anyone that does. That’s why he wants me. At first he just chose me for the translation as a form of revenge for taking the boy, but now he knows I’m the only one that can do it. Now he wants me-- even more than before."
I thought he was delirious. I hoped he was overreacting and not thinking-- imaging himself as a sole target. I continued to tended his wounds and put a cold cloth to his head as I tried to reason with him. "I’m not saying that you’re not the Whiz Kid of the SGC when it comes to translations, but if you figured it out, couldn’t somebody else do the same thing after a while?"
"I don’t think so. Some of it’s written in languages we learned from other worlds, some from ancient languages on Earth, but that’s the easy part. The rest of it, the most important part of it, is a code It’s like the Petroglyphs we found a few weeks ago on P8L-486."
"You said they weren’t really a language."
. "They’re not," he was actually excited about it. It amazed me that he could find something that was the cause of his torture so fascinating.
"I was working on it the night before we were called on this mission. Glyphs like the kind we found are all over the world, but we never really knew exactly what they meant. Last night, I couldn’t stop thinking about what we’d found. I started comparing them to the ones on Earth and to different finds on other planets. Now seeing those tablets I know it’s a code."
"Then I have to ask again, couldn’t somebody else come to that same conclusions?"
"The Petroglyphs from P8L-486 aren’t an active case anymore. I don’t think anyone would even be looking at them so they could draw that conclusion. And I didn’t document anything-just some personal notes; when I left, it was just a theory I had."
His eyes grew distant. I thought for a moment he was going to pass out, but then he started talking, his voice sounding far away.
"He knows I can do it. He used one of those memory things on me and found out." It was as much an apology as a statement, not that there was anything to apologize for.
"There was nothing you could do, Daniel. You can’t stop thinking."
"I have to!" He grabbed my arm and asked in a deep whisper ,"You must have some kind of training in this Jack. How do you stop thinking about it when it’s on you mind? When they’re doing --*things* to you and asking you questions?"
"I don’t know. We didn’t ever train for anything like that memory crap."
His eyes were still on me, asking for an answer I didn’t have. "I’m sorry, I just don’t know."
I wished I could have help him, but I didn’t have a clue. He let go of my arm and slumped down like melting clay. He looked so disheartened. I had to say something.
"You can hold him off, Daniel. I know you can."
I moistened the cloth again and put it to his head, as much for emotional comfort as physical. I don’t think he actually believed I thought he could stand up to Apophis’ brutality, but I did. I also believed if Apophis did find a way to break him, it would be because he took Daniel beyond the limits that most people could bear. Regardless of what was going to happen, I wanted him to get his mind off of it for now.
"Maybe if you pretend like he’s giving you an order. You never can follow one of those." It wasn’t any real advice, but at least it made him smile.
Blankness and time leaps.--- I don’t know what happened in between.
The next memory I have is walking. Daniel was hurt again, -badly. I had to help him so he could keep up with the guards. At first he tried to push me away. I don’t think he was mad at me, but he sure seemed mad at himself. The guards wouldn’t let us talk, but Daniel still managed to tell me he was sorry. That I should leave him and try to get away. Even the shot from the Zat gun they gave him couldn’t stop him from telling me that.
Our little trek gave me time to think. (or maybe I had been thinking about it all along.) I was to blame for this whole screwed up assignment. I should have followed my gut instincts back on Earth and found a reason to scrub the mission. But instead I led my team through the gate-just a cog in the military machine, doing what I was designed to do. Now Carter’s dead, Teal’c’s been sold off and Daniel’s hurt-and going to be hurt some more.
I don’t know where we were going in our march. I know it was raining. The solid glassy type that comes down in sheets. It washed the dirt from our bodies and our cloths. It washed away our footsteps as we walked. I wanted it to wash away my guilt over all that had happened,... but it didn’t. It wasn’t a baptismal rain-just a miserable one.
I saw the guards had our guns. Stupid. A miscalculation of military strategy-a breach of POW procedures. Stupid.-but I was glad.
It’s fuzzy, like a fading dream, but there was a bog, some of the guards went down.--- (finally a bright spot and I can’t recall it completely-why is only the bad shit clear?)--
--some of the guards went down in the bog-- and---we had a chance to escape. We were running--trying to run. We had our weapons. It was still raining.
I knew the gate would be guarded, and Daniel was in no shape for a fight, so we held up in a cave that was little more than a dimple in a rock. We needed time to regroup and recuperate. Daniel wasn’t talking much, not a good sign. When he didn’t talk something was wrong, in spirit or body. This time I think it was a little of both.
"So, these tablets," I started, trying to pull him out. "Is there any thing we could use? I mean to fight the snakes?"
"Yes," another bad sign. Daniel seldom spoke in one word sentences.
"Can you tell me what that would be?"
"I *can* tell you, but.." he trailed off.
"But you don’t think it would be a good idea right now."
"It’s all tied in so close together- the information Apophis wants,-the information we could use." He turned from me to the rain outside. "He can’t find out what the tablets say."
He looked back at me. "I can tell you one thing though. Apophis was right in saying the two of us are closer in thought than I ever admitted."
That startled me, no, actually, it frightened me. When ever Daniel faces his demons or finds a battle that he can’t win he always becomes so self condemning. For some one who knows religions you think he would remember some of the ones that say, there’s good and bad in all of us, you can’t always fight the fates, and all that other stuff . It would help him be a little more accepting of himself.
"Now wait a minute," I said. "Your not trying to tell me that it’s like one of those cliché’s-"if you weren’t enemies you’d be buddies" because.."
Daniel laughed and that broke me off, it stopped me because it reassured me that my fears were wrong.
"No, I just mean he was right in that we’re both driven-deeply. We both have desires-a fire, that burn in us. Only his fire consumes and destroys everything in it’s path, it’s selfish, self-serving. I think mine is a bit more tepid-at least I always I thought it was before. I guess what I’m saying is, I understand how strong his motivation is, I just don’t understand the means he uses to achieve it."
"That’s because you *are* different from him."
"Maybe not so different, Jack," a pause, a long, long pause. "Apophis said he would let you go free if I told him what he wanted to know. He also said if I didn’t tell him, I would be forced to watch what they did to you. He promised it would be painful-- and if I lied to him, he promised it would only be worse."
He hit his fist hard against the side of the cave. Little pebbles shook loose and fell to the ground, little droplets of blood followed. I went to help him but he put up his hand, a silent request for me to stay back.
"I still didn’t tell him, Jack. I was letting it happen, letting them take you. But I just *couldn’t* tell him anything." His voice was small and choked. I knew how hard that decision had been for him, knew how much it hurt him to make it. Hell, I had been in that place myself. I wanted him to know I understood, to know that the choice he made was the right one.
"It was probably just a lie anyway. You telling him wouldn’t have saved me, it wouldn’t have made any difference at all, and even if what he said was true... Well, we all know that what we do is dangerous. We know that there may come a time when we won’t make it back. Sometimes sacrifices have to be made to win a battle, you have to accept that."
"I accept it. I just don’t understand why."
I don’t know what the hell happened, but we were pinned down. We were arguing..not *really* arguing...just....doing that *thing* we always do--disagreeing, sort of. Yes I defiantly remember that they had us pinned down.
There was a way out, but Daniel wouldn’t go. He said he couldn’t make it and that I should just leave him. I wouldn’t. I told him he could make it with my help, but he still refused to come with me. Another crystal memory, as clear as broken glass.
"So what exactly is your plan?.... You going to stay here and let him take you back?" I asked.
"No, he won’t take me back."
That set my thoughts racing:
(*The battle cry of Special Ops. Cyanide pills and gun shots --- other forms of self inflicted death. No, I left that behind, he can’t mean that*.)
"Daniel..."he didn’t let me finish.
"I know him, Jack. Even if we make
it out this time, he’s never going to give up trying to find me. I’ve got
something he needs and he won’t stop until he gets it. I wouldn’t stop. Only he
won’t care who he hurts to get to me. I can’t put others in jeopardy like
that."
"We can beat him Daniel, we always have."
"No, you’re wrong, The desire in him burns too hot. It’s an uncontrollable fire." He was looking down at his gun, smiling like he does when he figured out some archeological puzzle. I knew what was going through his mind, but I wanted to be wrong.
"Daniel," no answer. "Daniel what are you thinking?"
"Sometimes it takes a fire to put one out. Like a fire break for a forest."
I had never heard Daniel talk in metaphors before, I didn’t like that he was doing it now. My instinct told me it couldn’t a good thing. This time I listened to my instinct. My soul sank.
"What are you saying?"
That smile again. "You’ll be glad to hear it Jack, I finally agree with you on a military stance. Sometimes sacrifices have to be made."
He pulled his gun out of the holster. I went to grab it, but he turned it on me.
"You really should go," he said.
"Are you going to shoot me if I don’t?"
He gave a half laugh. He knew that I knew the truth-- that he only wanted me to let him finish it, that he would end it before I could stop him. He also knew that I wouldn’t leave him.
"Good-by Jack," he was still smiling.
Lifting the gun, he put it to his head.
"Daniel...Stop!" I wanted it to be a shout, but it was only a whisper.
I heard the gun fire and then I heard a scream. I could tell by the feeling in my throat that it was my own.
************************************
Blackness. The sound of a scream echoing in my ears. I’m drenched cold in sweat from the dream I just had. Thank God, it was only a dream, and I’m safe at home. My team is safe at home. The phone is ringing. I don’t know if it was the phone that pulled me from my sleep or if it was the dream. Gen. Hammond is on the other end. He’s talking about a special mission. The back of my neck begin to tingle.
In case my writing skills fail me, I just want to say: When I compare good guys to bad guys I mean only that both *can* be strongly motivated. It’s just that one is motivated for good and the other for evil. This may be part 1 of a 2 part series, that is if I can get part 2 to be coherent (and if part 1 *is* coherent ;) --As always-feedback is great.
July 21, 2001 © The characters mentioned in this story are the property of Showtime and Gekko Film Corp. The Stargate, SG-I, the Goa'uld and all other characters who have appeared in the series STARGATE SG-1 together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of MGM-UA Worldwide Television, Gekko Film Corp, Glassner/Wright Double Secret Productions and Stargate SG-I Prod. Ltd. Partnership. This fanfic is not intended as an infringement upon those rights and solely meant for entertainment. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author.