"Jack, you've got to be kidding."
"Sit down, Daniel. Sam, hand me the remote will you?"
"Here you go, sir. I have to agree with Daniel, sir. What are we doing watching this?"
"National security, Sam. National security. And call me Jack, for crying out loud. We're in my living room, not at SGC. Next thing you'll know, you'll be saluting me- very funny Daniel, put your hand down. Teal'c, sit over there, okay? You can take off that baseball cap now."
"I was told to keep it on to be undetected."
"Yeah, to cover your tattoo. I don't think Captain Kirk's rice picker accident explanation can apply to you, Teal'c." (Laughs.)
"I do not understand, O'Neill."
"Yeah, Jack. Neither do I."
"You wouldn't, Daniel. Now sit down. And Teal'c, you can take off that cap now because we're at my place and I already know you're an alien."
"I see."
"Co- Jack, you didn't answer my question. Why are we watching this movie 'Stargate'? I thought the military had determined it not to be an exposure of your original first mission."
"Really? Jack, our first mission was made into a movie? When?"
"That was about the time I just returned from Abydos the first time. It was half a year later. Man, General West blew a gasket. I was retired at the time so I was suspected for blowing the whistle."
"Blowing the wh-whistle?"
"Um, to expose, to reveal, to tell a secret, to-"
"Okay, okay, Daniel. Thank you for the lecture."
"So co- um, I mean Jack, what got you off the hook?"
"Beats me. Something about a lot of discrepancies and exaggerated facts. Either that, or Uncle Sam got a percent of the profits." (Laughs)
"Uh, Teal'c. He wasn't referring to our Sam. He meant our government."
"Your words are most frustrating."
"At least Jack's are."
"So get a dictionary, Danny. Guys are you sitting down here? Quit blocking the screen."
"Teal'c is blocking my way, sir. I mean, Jack."
"Teal'c lower your head. No wait, better yet. I think you better sit down on the carpet instead. Geez, can you imagine yourself in a movie theater?"
"Why would I?"
"Huh?
"Imagine myself in a-"
"Jack! Jack! Is that suppose to be Catherine when she was a kid?"
"Huh? Yeah, I guess."
"You know, Daniel. Catherine mentioned once that she saw this movie when it came out- out of curiosity."
"Really, Sam? What did she think of it?"
"She said that one or two of the characters were portrayed- pretty accurately."
"Shhhh!"
"Huh? Oh, sorry."
"Who is the man talking in the room?"
"Yeah, Jack. Who is that?" (Laughs) "He's kind of cute."
"Who do you think?" (Laughs) "Kind of geeky looking, huh?"
"I don't know, Jack. The glasses are cute. I was always partial to James Spader. What do you think, Daniel?"
"Oh my god!"
"What god?"
"No Teal'c, Danny here was trying to curse but he doesn't get the hang of it...not quite yet."
"Jack. Is that suppose to be me?"
"Bingo, give this man a cigar!"
"Um, Jack. I don't smoke."
"Geez Daniel, you're no fun."
"He doesn't look anything like me. The physical features are there, but-"
"I don't know, Daniel. I think they got you down pat. What do you think, Jack?"
"Right on the money." (Laughs)
"Err."
"Come on, Danny. Be a sport."
"Yeah, well I can't wait to see how they got you portrayed."
"Actually, I heard this Kurt dude was pretty cool in this movie. I think they got me down pretty accurately."
"Oh boy, listen to Mr. Modest here. Sam, can you pass me a pillow so I can hit Jack?"
"My pleasure."
"You can't even hit the ground with your- ow."
"Daniel Jackson's aim appears to have improved considerably."
"Mmph!"
I'm here in case you succeed.
"Hey, is that suppose to be you, Jack? Daniel, look over here."
"What the hell kind of line was that? I didn't say that."
"Oh come on, Jack. Be a good sport. Practice what you prea- oof!"
"Ha! Gotcha! Stop laughing, Carter."
"This guy plays like a humorless robot. Yes sir, you were right. They got you down very accurately." (Laughs)
"Okay, you guys. Quiet down in front. Aha, very funny."
"I see no resemblance what so ever."
"There! Thank you, Teal'c."
"However, this man who pretends to be O'Neill talks like O'Neill. Both have very strange humor."
"Ha! I told you!"
"Oh for crying out loud. Carter, calm Daniel down over there before he has a fit. Hey! This is the part where we go through the Stargate for the first time."
"The Stargate doesn't do that, Jack."
"Well Daniel, why don't we call MGM studios and fax them our schematics so they can get it right for the sequel?"
"Um..."
"There's a sequel?"
"No, Carter. Daniel, will you sit down? My couch can't be used as a seesaw here!"
"I did not do that, Jack!"
"What? The staring-into-the-Stargate thing? Yes, you did."
"Did not."
"Did, too."
"Jack, I did not stand there at the Stargate, waving my arms up and down at it like some, some-"
"Geek?"
"Of course not!"
(Laughs) "Daniel, did you actually stood there while everyone else had already gone through, running your hands on the event horizon?"
"Well, maybe I gave it an experimental touch."
"He was drooling over it!"
"Jack!"
"Well, that's what Catherine told me. And you should talk, Carter."
"What? What did I do?"
"Last I recall, you were babbling in front of the Stargate the first time we went to go get Daniel. I had to shove you in."
(Laughs) "Really? Is that true, Sam?"
"I was merely impressed at the minute fluctuations of the event horizon. It was incredible to see that kind of power to promote the wormhole. It was a scientific observation."
"You were babbling."
"Is this where you meet your wife, Daniel Jackson?"
"No, not yet. This is where Jack's team became a bunch of jerks."
"Well, you did claim to be able to get us back home, Daniel."
"No, I had said I was pretty sure."
"Daniel, did they really throw your suitcase down the dunes?"
"Actually, no Sam. Um, they didn't throw it down...they burned it."
"What?"
"Made a nice toasty fire by the time I got there."
"Yeah, Jack. You weren't much help then."
"Hey, is that a creature from Abydos?"
"Hey Jack! They included Little Bit!"
"Who?"
"Little Bit, Sam. That was Daniel's pet."
"Wasn't my pet, Jack."
"No, it was just in love with you."
(Laughs) "Maybe you shouldn't have fed it candy, Daniel."
"Um, actually I didn't feed it any candy like it's shown in the movie."
"This scene is not accurate, Daniel Jackson?"
"What Daniel is trying to say is that the creature came into his tent and bit him in the ass to say hello."
"What?" (Laughs) "Is that true, Daniel?"
"No, Sam. Uh, it sniffed me a bit."
"Found him covered with monster drool. Really gross."
"Thanks a lot, Jack."
"S'all right."
"Oh hey! Here's where Jack met Skaara. It was so embarrassing, them bowing and everything. Look, they even mention Jack shaking Skaara's hand. And look, they even included the part Skaara ran away from Jack, too."
"Um, Skaara didn't look very happy to have shaken your hand, Jack."
"He was awestruck, Sam. Skaara was overly excited. They thought we were gods, for crying out loud."
"Actually, Jack. It looked like you were scaring Skaara here in this movie."
"This movie doesn't have its facts straight."
"The man who pretends he is O'Neill does look very intimidating."
"Hey! I was very diplomatic back then."
"Sure, Jack. I remember you and Kawalsky threatening to shoot the natives when they barred down the doors."
"Really, sir?"
"No, Carter. We thought we became prisoners there. We evaluated the situation as a threat. We didn't know they were locking us in for our own protection."
"Err Jack?"
"What?"
"Can you say...sandstorm?"
"Very funny, Daniel."
"It was a sandstorm? You didn't mention that on your initial report, Jack."
"Oh, like I would list everything- hey, there's Sha'uri, Daniel."
"She doesn't look at all like her. Sha'uri is much more beautiful in real life."
Tastes like chicken.
(Laughs) "Hey, this movie even got the time you were having that meal."
"What is Daniel Jackson doing?"
"He was waving his arms like a chicken." (Laughs) "It was hilarious."
"I didn't do that, Jack. We couldn't communicate with them yet so I was trying to tell them that the food was good. I made a clucking noise, that's all."
"Nope, nope. I remember it clearly. You were flapping your... wings like some blond poultry!"
"I don't like this movie."
"Now, now, Daniel."
"No really! It's not accurate at all. Since when did the people of Abydos have such cultural-"
"Daniel?"
"Yes, Jack?"
"I'm trying to watch a movie. I paid $4.99 for the damn three nights' rental. I want my money's worth. Not some lecture."
"$4.99?"
"Close your mouth, Sam. It's rude."
"Is $4.99 a lot?"
"No, Teal'c. Well, actually for a rental, it is. I think I could have gotten it across the street from my apartment for $2.00."
"Actually Daniel, we could get a military discount at the rental place in town."
"Uh guys-"
"Sam, I don't think I get any discount."
"Oh yeah, right. I forgot. Civilian."
"Don't have to say it like it was a disease."
"Sorry, didn't mean it that way."
"Does this mean I am also a civilian?"
"Oh guys!"
"Actually, Teal'c- you are what we call a defector."
"I am defective?"
"No, no, no! What Sam means is that you went to join our side. Not that something is wrong with you."
"If there's anything wrong, Daniel, is the colonel's VCR. I think the tape just skipped."
"Guys-"
"This communication device is quite primitive."
"Teal'c, we're watching television."
"Actually Sam, Jack's television is a bit small."
"Guys!"
"What? Jack, how can Daniel, Teal'c and I watch the movie if you're making all that noise?"
"Noise? Oh for crying out loud... I should have rented Good
Will Hunting instead."
© 1998 The characters mentioned in this story are the property of Showtime and Gekko Film Corp. The Stargate, SG-I, the Goa’uld and all other characters who have appeared in the series STARGATE SG-1 together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of MGM-UA Worldwide Television, Gekko Film Corp, Glassner/Wright Double Secret Productions and Stargate SG-I Prod. Ltd. Partnership. This fanfic is not intended as an infringement upon those rights and solely meant for entertainment. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author.