• SPOILERS : Stargate the Movie, Children of the Gods, Cold Lazarus, The Gamekeeper, Forever in a Day, Shades of Grey
• SUMMARY : Missing scenes and epilogue for Shades of Grey. After Jack tells Daniel that their friendship has no foundation, Daniel has a long, hard week before Jack comes back and tells him what their friendship really means to him.
• G [A] [M] [Hc] [S]

Not much of a foundation... Not much of a foundation...

The words were ringing in Daniel’s ears as he walked out of Jack’s house and toward his car.

Not much of a foundation... Not much of a foundation...

Daniel could hear it as clearly as if Jack was saying it now. He could see Jack’s eyes looking into his as he said it, so hard and so steady that they nearly broke what was left intact of Daniel’s heart.

Not much of a foundation...

Jack had looked Daniel in the face as he said those words, and when Daniel saw the unconcern in Jack’s eyes, he knew that Jack didn’t even care. Sha’re was gone, his parents were gone. Now Jack’s friendship was gone, too, or maybe he had never even had it in the first place. There was nothing left for him now. Nothing. How could he even go on living?

Not much of a foundation...

Daniel leaned his forehead against the car for a moment as his mouth tightened and his forehead contracted with pain. What did he have left now? How could Jack have betrayed him like that, after everything they had been through together?

Not much of a foundation...

Daniel raised his head, and his eyes were very bleak, sad with the loss of the only thing that had held his world together after Sha’re had gone, when his sorrow had threatened to bury him alive beneath the ruins of his hopes and dreams. He had to get out of here. He had to get in the car and drive far away, anywhere. It didn’t matter where, as long as it was away from here. But he knew he would never be able to get away from Jack’s voice ringing constantly in his head, slashing his heart to pieces with his words.

Not much of a foundation...

Abruptly, Daniel opened the door of the car and got in, his mouth set grimly as he slipped into his seat.

Not much of a foundation...

A sudden flash of pain shot through him, and Daniel could feel the tears welling up in his eyes. With a deep, sobbing breath, he let his head fall forward against the wheel, and for a moment he wanted nothing more than to let it rest there and cry like a child, to weep until there were no tears left. To weep until his heart was empty, as empty as his life and his aching soul.

Not much of a foundation...

He had to get out of here. He couldn’t let Jack see him like this, and he wouldn’t. He would never let anyone know how deeply this had hurt him, how achingly empty his life was now. There was nothing left for him anymore but that. He would sit and suffer in silence, even as it ate his heart away, little by little, day by slow day.

He had made a mistake, a terrible mistake: he had thought Jack was his friend. He was wrong, very wrong. He must have been imagining it all along, seeing something that was never there because it was something he wanted to see, because he had been so lonely and unhappy and his heart had turned to Jack like a flower towards the sun. Without Jack, he didn’t know how he would have gotten as far as he did. After Sha’re’s death, only Jack had gotten him through the grieving, only Jack had been the support on which his world depended. And now he had lost Jack, and his world lay around him in ruins. There was nothing left, absolutely nothing.

Daniel drew a shuddering breath and sat up, straightening his back with a sigh. Jack would never know what he had done to Daniel when he had shown that he didn’t care about him, that he never had, that their friendship was without a foundation.

As Daniel drove away, he looked back once, only once, but there was nothing to see. Jack was gone, gone from his heart and his life, and all that was left was the echo of his voice, beating in Daniel’s head like a pulse, repeating over and over the words that had left him alone and helpless in a very big, very empty world.

~*~

Daniel was out in the middle of a country road before he broke down. He had been driving aimlessly, not even caring where he was going as long as he was moving, as long as he was going away from Jack and the place where his last hope had died. He was hardly even aware that he was driving, blindly, trying to blink the tears out of his eyes as the miles rushed past on either side of him.

He never knew how long it was before he came to himself to find that he was weeping, the tears streaming down his cheeks, and his breath coming in great, heaving gasps. He took off his glasses and wiped his eyes with the back of his hand, clearing his vision enough to pull over to the side of the empty road, and there he covered his face with his hands and wept. And as he wept, all his sorrows rose to the surface, and he mourned them altogether, all the sorrows of a life that seemed so useless, all the loneliness of a young man abandoned in a cold, dark world.

It all came out then, merging together until it was one great, soul-embittering sorrow. Sha’re’s loss, his parents’ death, all those lonely years of foster homes without a spark of love to shine like a light in the endless darkness, without a hope of ever being either loved or needed as long as he lived. And then, out of nowhere, he had found her, the one woman he could love, and the thirsty desert of his heart was filled with love so that he was happier than he had ever been in his life before. He hadn’t even known until he met Sha’re how much he needed her, what a great, aching void she had filled in his heart. He had loved her, loved her so much that he would have done anything for her, anything to bring a smile to her face or banish a single tear from her eyes. He had loved her, more than life, more than knowledge, more than himself. He had loved her, and he had lost her, through his own fault, and none of his love had given him the power to save her an instant of pain, a moment of suffering. She was gone now.

How many times had he lost her? How many nights had he woken in a cold sweat to find that he had only dreamed her death? How many nights had he held her in his arms again, knowing that they would never be parted, only to open his eyes to the darkness and find that he was alone? And then he found her, truly found her, and lost her again for the last time. She had lain there before him, so real, so real, and he could do nothing for her, nothing but look into her eyes once more, breathlessly, and watch her die. Sha’re was gone.

He did not want to live after that, after watching Sha’re die and hearing the crack of his heart as it twisted and broke in his chest. He wanted only to die, to forget that he had lost her, that he had looked into her dying eyes and been unable to save her. He wanted only to sink down into the dark waters of death and to see her again, to hold her in his arms and feel her love warm in his heart once more. He needed her so much.

Daniel would sit for whole days after that one fatal moment had passed, after she had been torn from him, feeling nothing, knowing nothing, sinking deeper into a darkness of the mind that could only lead to death. But it didn’t matter, nothing mattered anymore. He would have died, too, lost himself in a maze of darkness from which there was no escape. But Jack came, and Jack’s friendship gave him a reason to keep living, to keep fighting. Jack gave him something to live for. He had looked into Jack’s eyes and seen it there, something beyond concern, beyond sympathy, beyond pity. He had looked into Jack’s eyes and found true friendship there, and he had pulled himself out of the darkness on the strength of knowing that Jack cared, that he still had someone to turn to, someone to care whether he lived or died. And that had made all the difference.

And now... Now Jack was gone, too, just like everything else. He had lost his last link with the world, his last reason to live. All that he had thought he had found in Jack had been nothing but his imagination. He had seen transitory kindness, a kindness Jack would have shown to anyone, and believed that it was something lasting, something he could depend on, something he could use as a base to build again the ruins of his new world. He had seen this, and he had thought that Jack had meant more by it, when in reality it was nothing. It wasn’t Jack’s fault, it was his. It was his fault for seeing something that wasn’t there, for building on something that never existed, for giving of himself and letting his heart be wounded again. He should have known he could never have a friend who cared for him as he had thought Jack did. It was his fault, only his fault. Why could he never learn?

But he had thought that if there was one thing he could rely on after Sha’re’s death, it was Jack’s friendship. He had thought that if there was one thing he could be sure of as long as he lived, it was that Jack would always be there when he needed him. He had thought... He had thought... Daniel shook his head helplessly, and bowed his head onto his arms, his shoulders shaking with sobs. He had been wrong, so wrong, and now he was paying for it.

There was nothing left. It would be better to die.

And the sun set behind him, casting long shadows that grew and merged into a greater darkness. There was no one there to help, no one to turn to anymore. And the road was very long and very empty as it stretched out into the night, black and lonely as the future that lay before him. And there were no stars in the sky.

~*~

"So... how did it go? How was the Colonel?"

Daniel blinked and saw Sam standing in the doorway of his office, looking at him with concern in her eyes. Briefly, he wondered if there were any signs of tears left on his face. Just in time he remembered that he had washed them off as soon as he got back to the Base, and let the hand that had moved self-consciously to wipe them away fall again to his side. Daniel turned his eyes from hers and cleared his throat.

"Uh... fine."

"Fine?"

Daniel was studying the papers lying before him on his desk, trying to pretend that he had been working, when he had really been doing nothing but stare at them unseeingly ever since he came back. He swallowed hard and frowned to hide the tears that were coming again into his eyes.

"Yeah, fine."

"Daniel, are you all right?"

The young man heard the hesitancy in her voice, the concern that threatened to push him over the edge of his hard-won control. Not right now, he couldn’t look at her right now, and he could never tell her. He could never let anyone else know what a fool he had been, what a life he had built around a figment of his own imagination. He deserved to suffer for such foolishness as that.

"I’m fine."

"Daniel... if you want to talk..."

He looked up into her eyes for a moment, and then his eyes slid down again to his desk. "I know. Thank you."

He heard her footsteps receding into the distance, and let his head fall onto his arms with a sigh. He needed to go home. He couldn’t work, he couldn’t think. He couldn’t face the sympathy and concern in Sam’s eyes. He needed to be alone.

Alone. What else was he except alone? Daniel felt a bitter smile on his face and sank deeper into his despair.

Home. What kind of a home was it? He lived all by himself, trying to pretend that he had a life. It wasn’t a home, it was a place to live. But at least he could lock the door and be alone there, sink into himself and hide away like a wounded animal.

Yes, it was time to go home.

~*~

Daniel couldn’t sleep that night, nor for many nights afterwards. He went to work, he ate when he remembered, and then he would go to bed to toss and turn all night long. The days went by, but the pain in his heart did not grow duller, as he had hoped it would. And day after day Daniel went on, barely managing to hold on to life. Sometimes he didn’t know why he bothered to try at all.

One day, Daniel watched Jack walk through the Stargate, never to return. Jack didn’t even glance at him when he came to the Base, and Daniel looked away quickly with a fresh misery in his heart, wondering with a sense of shame what he had expected. His friendship meant nothing to Jack, and it never had. Why couldn’t he get used to that?

Sam and Teal’c went down to the Gateroom to see him off, but Daniel watched Jack go from the Control Room, standing there all alone and looking on with intent, betrayed eyes. Jack was leaving forever. He was going away and he was never coming back. The knife edge of pain twisted in Daniel’s chest at the thought, and he wondered why he should even care at this point. But the fact remained that he did care, he cared very much, and he had never felt so alone, so abandoned as when he watched Jack disappear through the Stargate, and knew that this was the end.

No, not much, but when he saw the event horizon close and vanish behind the man he had thought was his friend, his heart throbbed into life again and it was hard to keep the tears back.

After that day, the turmoil within him was quieter, and it was good to be with Sam and Teal’c again. Sam was like a kind big sister, always there, always supportive, and she never asked him any questions, never tried to make him talk. She simply stayed beside him, and it was a comfort to Daniel just to know that she was there. And with her beside him, he tried to go on with his life, to ignore the aching emptiness of his heart and lonely soul. But he knew he could never forget Jack or the pain he had caused him, and Jack’s voice was always ringing in his head, always reminding him of how stupid he had been, of what he had not lost because he never had it in the first place.

Jack’s voice repeated it over and over, while Jack’s eyes looked unflinchingly into his and stabbed the knife even deeper into his wound.

No, he could try, but he would never forget. And Daniel’s heart went on aching, mourning its own emptiness and desolation, and life went on even in the darkness of his soul’s night. And Jack’s words went on pulsing in his mind when he tried to sleep, running through his head in a sad, familiar refrain, hopeless in its finality.

~*~

Jack had come back.

Daniel laid his head on his folded arms and sighed deeply, closing his eyes. He was alone. At last he was alone. He had gotten away from Sam and Teal’c as quickly as he could, not even knowing what excuses he was mumbling to them. But it didn’t matter. He had gotten to his office and closed the door behind him, feeling for the first time in over a week how tired he was. And, all alone in the half-lit silence, the voice in his head was still at last, leaving only a great quiet and his reawakening heart.

Jack had come back, and it had all been a lie. Jack had never meant what he said about their friendship not having much of a foundation, and the change and relief were so sudden that Daniel couldn’t understand them at once. He couldn’t understand what this meant to him, couldn’t understand the overwhelming relief in his heart. All he knew was that he needed to be alone, he needed to think... and that he was very, very tired.

The voice that had haunted him, chasing away sleep night after night, was gone now, stilled at last. He no longer saw Jack’s face hanging before him, the eyes so mocking in their deliberation. He no longer saw anything, he no longer thought about anything. For now, the relief from his suffering was enough, and somewhere within him his heart was stirring into life again. It was enough to sit there and feel the weariness course through him, to feel a pleasant drowsiness steal through his body and know that he didn’t have to think anymore, that he could rest at last now that the voice was quiet and the great wound was gone from his heart.

"Daniel?"

Daniel looked up and reached for his glasses, squinting with bleary eyes at the figure in the doorway.

"Mind if I come in?"

Daniel didn’t know what he thought, what he felt, but there was a turmoil of emotions in his heart, though he couldn’t understand them yet. He couldn’t think, not yet, but nothing would stop him from feeling.

"Uh, sure."

He didn’t know what to say, he didn’t know what to do, but Daniel’s heart beat faster and with a different kind of pain as he watched Jack come in and lean against the wall with his hands in his pockets. Jack had changed his black clothes to SGC standard issue, Daniel noticed, and he was only too glad to be able to forget, to not be faced with a reminder of what he had gone through this past week. It was like old times, but could it ever be the same now?

Daniel didn’t know where to look. Every time he cast a glance at Jack, the other man’s eyes were fixed on him. He didn’t know what to think or say, and a part of him called silently that he needed to be alone, that he could face Jack later, after he really understood what this would mean to him, to the rest of his life.

Jack cleared his throat, and Daniel looked up for a moment, only to turn his eyes to his feet again.

"Uh... Daniel."

"Jack?"

"How ya been?"

Daniel didn’t know what to say, and his mind worked automatically to give the answer that he would have others believe, whether it was true or not. "Uh... fine. How about you?"

"Oh, fine, fine. Never been better."

Daniel nodded, carefully studying the way his boots contrasted with the floor of his office. "Good, glad to hear it."

Jack cleared his throat again, and Daniel could hear him shifting awkwardly against the wall.

"Daniel, I just wanted to say that I’m sorry."

There was a short pause. Daniel could feel Jack’s eyes on him and he swallowed hard, feeling a familiar lump rise into his throat. He wanted to say something, but he couldn’t trust his voice. He couldn’t even look at Jack because the tears were quickly gathering in his eyes.

"God, Daniel, I..." Jack’s voice was earnest, pleading, and Daniel’s heart beat painfully with joy and hope. "I never meant any of that. I didn’t want to say it, but I thought I had to. If I had known what it was really going to do to you, I never would have said it. I can’t make any excuses for myself, but I... I hope you can forgive me anyway."

Daniel could feel the tears threatening to spring from his eyes and bit his lip, lowering his head so that Jack couldn’t see his struggle. He didn’t want Jack to know what this had been like for him, he didn’t want anyone to know.

"Please, Daniel, you have to believe me. I didn’t mean it, I never could have. I..." Jack sighed, and Daniel heard him shuffling his feet restlessly on the floor. When he spoke again, his voice was very soft, with a gentleness in it that Daniel had heard from him so rarely before. At the sound of that tone in Jack’s voice, it was all Daniel could do to hold the tears back, tears of joy and glad relief.

"Daniel, do you know what your friendship means to me? I’m not good at saying this stuff, but I want you to know that you’ve... you’ve been the best friend I’ve ever had. I mean that, I really do.

"God, Daniel, I wish I could say it better, but you’ll have to trust me on this. Whenever I needed you, you were there for me, and you always seemed to know when I needed help, even if I didn’t know it myself. I don’t even know how many times you’ve saved my life and my sanity by just being there when I needed someone to talk to. Even when I was rough with you, you didn’t leave me alone. You always seemed to understand. And sometimes that was all I needed.

"I’ve never been this close to anyone in my life. I can tell you things I could never tell Sara, things I can’t tell anyone else. I... Daniel, you gave me something to live for. I’ve seen action, I’ve seen things I’d like to forget, and by the time I met you, I had a pretty cynical view of life. But you taught me to see things differently, you taught me that there was still hope for me because... because you were you. I don’t know how else to say it."

The tears were running unheeded down Daniel’s face, where he sat with his head bowed low over his knees. He didn’t know what to say, and he couldn’t have said anything even if he had wanted to. This was more than he had ever hoped for, more than he had ever dreamed of. What could he possibly say?

"I just want you to know, Daniel, that you’re the best friend I’ve got, and nothing is going to change that. Nothing, got it? I don’t even know how long you’ve been my best friend, but I can’t imagine living without your friendship anymore. Please... I know I don’t deserve it, but I’m asking you to forgive me. Please, Danny."

That was all Daniel needed to lose control altogether. He drew a long, sobbing breath, and raised his face with the tears running down his cheeks. But it didn’t matter anymore. All that mattered now was that Jack was still his friend, that Jack was the friend he had thought he was, the friend he needed to depend on. There was something left to live for after all.

Daniel smiled, like a ray of sunshine through a storm, and his eyes were shining with a brilliant light. His voice broke, but he didn’t care anymore. All he knew was that his heart was not so terribly empty and bleak, that it never would be again.

"Jack, I..." He laughed helplessly, feeling the tears slipping down his face, trying to see Jack through swimming eyes. "Of course I forgive you, but... Jack, do you really mean all that? I... I... You can’t mean that, Jack. I’m... I’m nobody. How could you..?" And Daniel broke down at last, dropping his head into his arms while his shoulders heaved with sobs.

"God, Danny, don’t do that." Daniel heard the catch in Jack’s voice, and footsteps echoed hollowly on the floor as the other man crossed the room. The archaeologist could feel Jack’s presence above him, but he was past doing anything about it. There was a moment’s hesitation, and Daniel felt something grip his shoulders. Then Jack was kneeling beside him, holding Daniel’s head gently against his shoulder and rubbing his back soothingly.

"God, Daniel," Jack began helplessly, "I didn’t know it was that bad. I’m so sorry. Look, I promise I’ll never do that again, as long as I live. Got that? If anyone asks me to go undercover like that, I’ll do it, but... but I won’t say things like that again. I’d see all those aliens go to hell first. Daniel, all of them together aren’t worth as much as your friendship, not to me. I won’t ever risk it like that again, not for anything in the world. I want you to believe that, because it’s true."

Daniel never knew how long he sat there, finding comfort in a friend he thought he had lost long ago, while he poured out all the agony and grief of his heart onto Jack’s shoulder. And all of the past week seemed to melt away with his tears, leaving him spent and weary, but happier than he had been in a long, long time.

Finally, Daniel sat up and wiped his eyes, hoping self-consciously that they weren’t as red as he thought they were. He could still feel the comforting pressure of Jack’s hands on his shoulders, and he looked down into Jack’s dark eyes.

"You all right now?"

Daniel nodded, reaching blindly for his glasses. Before he could even think, Jack was holding them out to him, and Daniel smiled a little as he took them, his heart swelling with the joy of having Jack’s friendship.

"Jack, I have to ask. Did you..? I mean..."

"Every word, Daniel, every word and more. I’m not good at saying these things." Jack paused and shrugged, his lips moving upward in his familiar smile. "You know me."

And Daniel smiled, because he did know Jack, and their friendship was built on such a solid foundation that it would last forever. If Jack meant what he had said, and Daniel could not doubt it as he looked into the unguarded depths of Jack’s eyes, then they were closer than he had ever imagined, closer than he had ever hoped for.

In the past, there had always been a thin edge of fear in Daniel’s heart that Jack was not really the friend he thought he was, that Daniel was putting too much weight on something common. There had always been that little corner of Daniel’s heart that had been afraid that he would lose Jack, that had always been preparing him for that, because there was no way Jack could ever respect or like Daniel the way the younger man looked up to Jack.

But now... Daniel smiled again, feeling a peace grow and spread through his entire being. Now they would be closer than they had ever been before, and nothing Jack could say or do would ever make Daniel doubt that again.

"We’re gonna be all right, Daniel."

And Daniel nodded as he smiled into Jack’s face, knowing that there was light in his world now, that there was something he could depend on when all else failed him. Their friendship, threatened by the past week, would emerge stronger than ever before, and that friendship would last forever. His world was not so empty anymore, and it never would be again.

"We’re going to be better than all right," and as Daniel said it, he believed it, beyond a doubt and with all his heart.

Jack looked up into the shining blue eyes, bright with tears, and smiled as he ruffled Daniel’s hair with a gentle hand. "You’re right, Danny. We sure are."

Copyright October 8, 2004 The characters mentioned in this story are the property of Showtime and Gekko Film Corp. The Stargate, SG-I, the Goa'uld and all other characters who have appeared in the series STARGATE SG-1 together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of MGM-UA Worldwide Television, Gekko Film Corp, Glassner/Wright Double Secret Productions and Stargate SG-I Prod. Ltd. Partnership. This fanfic is not intended as an infringement upon those rights and solely meant for entertainment. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author.

http://www.stargatefan.com