Dear Daniel,
I don’t even know what to say to you, but I need to say something. I need to explain. Daniel, I feel like I’ve betrayed you. I’m so sorry, I just didn’t know what to do, and you weren’t even here to help me. God, Daniel, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.
Daniel, Jonas is on the team. They got me to agree, I don’t know how. I can hardly even remember what happened anymore. Daniel, Jonas is replacing you on SG-1, and I’m the one who put him there. God, Daniel, how could I do it? I’m so sorry.
Daniel, what can I say? I feel like I turned around and left you behind when you needed me, like I left you behind to die, again. I feel like I turned my back on your friendship, on everything you ever meant to me. Daniel, please, I’m so sorry.
I was going to write to you in the morning, Daniel, when I wasn’t so tired and I knew what I wanted to say. But there wasn’t any point in putting it off. I finally got to sleep, but the nightmares came back. God, Daniel, to see you like that again! It was too much, and I knew I needed to explain or I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. It’s hard enough to keep going as it is.
I didn’t know what to do. I know that sounds like an excuse, but it’s true. Daniel, you know me. You know I didn’t mean... What am I talking about? How could you know? I don’t even know why I did it, so how could you? What the hell am I even talking about? I wish I knew. I wish I knew something, so I could figure out this whole damn mess and where everything went wrong.
Hell, I know where it went wrong. Listen, Daniel, this is good. Everything went wrong when I let you die. Yes, I said it and I meant it. I let you die, and I’m the one who’s having trouble living with it. Ironic, don’t you think? That’s why nothing’s been right since, because you’re gone. God, why didn’t I think of that earlier? It would have straightened everything out.
Sorry, Danny, it’s been a hard night, and I’ve been blaming myself ever since this happened. The funny thing is that there’s so damn much to blame myself for that I could go on and on. There’s no end to it.
I don’t care anymore, Daniel: it’s wrong, so goddamn wrong! You having to suffer like that, you gone, Jonas on the team, and no one even bothers to thank you for what you did. It’s wrong, Daniel, hear me? It’s so wrong.
God, Daniel, be patient with me. Some nights are like this, when there’s nothing to do but think of all the things you did wrong in your life, and all the things you can’t fix. Daniel... Daniel, you don’t know what it’s like, having to deal with the guilt of what happened to you, night after night and day after day. You don’t know what it’s like to wake up crying in the middle of the night because I dreamed about you and thought you were okay again. You don’t know what it’s like to keep grieving and grieving for you, and know that there won’t be any escape until I die, and that I can’t even give up enough to die and end it. God, Daniel, please understand.
I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything, all of it. I wish you were here to tell me it was fine and that we were still friends. I know we are, but... Sometimes I don’t understand how you could have been my friend, after everything I did to hurt you.
Jonas is on the team. I can’t believe it’s true. Daniel, I’m gonna try to explain, and I want you to try and understand, and then I want you to forgive me – if you can. I don’t think I can keep on going if you don’t, if I thought I’d lost your friendship. I’m alone enough as it is.
Okay, listen. They were at me for days, trying to get me to pick another team member. I kept stalling, I guess because I hoped they would give up if I put it off long enough. Ha ha. Guess what? They didn’t.
The Russians wanted a Russian on the team. Big surprise there. Teal’c wanted Jonas, and Hammond didn’t care as long as it breathed and walked on two legs. I was trying to stall them all, and it didn’t work. I couldn’t stand the idea of having a Russian instead of you, and I guess I went a little crazy with the idea. Somehow, in the end it came down to a Russian or Jonas. And, God help me, for some reason I picked Jonas. I must have been crazy or drunk at the time because it doesn’t make any sense at all.
I guess, when it came down to it, I was alone and there was nowhere to turn. You were gone, and I couldn’t ask you what you thought. I didn’t know what to do. They were all pushing and shoving, and in the end, I gave in and picked Jonas. I still don’t know why.
Daniel, you have to understand. I spent days thinking about this, trying to get used to the idea that you were gone and I had to pick someone else to replace you. It got so bad that it didn’t seem to matter who I picked anymore, since none of them were gonna be any good. And that’s because none of them were you. I guess what I’m trying to say, Danny, is that if I couldn’t have you on the team, then it didn’t matter who else I had.
It was only later that it really hit me what I’d done. God, Daniel, I wish you’d been here. All I could think was that I’d had some kind of idea of keeping that smug, two-faced weirdo where I could see him, in case he decided to destroy the Base or steal something again. You know the type, Daniel. They take watching, and no one was gonna watch him as much as I would. Trust me on that one.
And now that I’m talking about it, Daniel, I think there was another reason. I think I put him on the team so I would remember you. God, I feel silly saying this, Daniel, but if he’s always around, then it’ll be hard to forget what he did to you, and that it was my fault you’re gone now. It would be easier to remember you if he was there, because of what he did. You getting this, Daniel? Because I don’t know if I get it at all.
Hell, Daniel, I wish I could explain better, but if anyone could understand, then you could. Daniel, I didn’t... I didn’t forgive him for what he did, and I don’t trust him as far as I can throw him. I don’t think he’ll be any good at replacing you either. No one can do that, Daniel, and I know that better than anyone else.
Aw, Daniel, I didn’t even know what I was doing! I’m doing a damn bad job of explaining this. I guess what I’m really trying to say is that I didn’t mean to betray you, and I didn’t forgive that smirking alien for what he did to you. I don’t even know if that’s what I mean either. Look, Daniel, you’re irreplaceable, and I know that. And I don’t mean only on the team, but as my best friend. Hell, Daniel, nothing’s changed there.
You know, maybe I was sort of punishing myself by putting him on the team. Looking at him every day and trying not to punch that stupid grin off his face is sure gonna be hard. But I’ll also be remembering what he did, and I’ll always remember why he’s there, and that it’s all my fault that you’re gone. And I guess it won’t be much like a replacement either, because how could I keep a creep like that on my team for long? This is only temporary until you... God, Daniel, I gotta stop talking like that. You aren’t coming back, and that’s all there is to it. I wish I could believe it, though. Hoping against the odds is a hard habit to break.
Hell, Daniel, I miss you so much. I wish I could really tell you how much, but I don’t even know how. Words aren’t any good, Daniel, not for me. If you were here, Danny boy, I’d give you a hug, and then you’d understand. If you were here, Daniel. God, I wish you were.
Great, now I’m gonna start losing it again. Good thing you’re not seeing this, because I’m bawling again like a big baby. Hell, it makes me laugh to think how damn silly I look. Good thing it’s dark, I guess.
Daniel, I wish I could know that you would forgive me for this. I wish I knew that you understand. Damn it, Daniel, I wish I could tell you myself, but I guess this is the best I’m gonna get right now.
But, well... I think this helped. Hell, Daniel, if anyone can understand, you can, and you weren’t ever the kind that couldn’t forgive. You always were my friend, and you always will be, and if I were in your place, I’d forgive you. And if I could, I know you can, Daniel. I feel better. A little, anyway.
But, Daniel, I can’t forgive myself, not for any of it. You’re gone because of me, and there’s no way I’ll forget that, not ever. I can’t believe I just stood there and watched you die. Hell, if I had it to do over again... Whatever. I can’t do it over again, or I would have done it already, and you’d be back. And, guess what, you’re not.
God, Daniel, I miss you. I don’t know whether this damn letter makes any sense from beginning to end, but I guess it doesn’t matter. Somehow, you’d understand. Don’t ask me how, but you would. You always did.
You don’t know how hard it is to go on without you. Hell, I wanted to retire, but I won’t do it yet. I can’t face that either, being alone and knowing that you were gone because of me. Maybe later, but not yet. And so I just keep on doing what I do best, going through the Stargate and getting into trouble. Maybe one of these days I’ll be just a little too slow, and then that’ll be it. But it’s just my luck that it won’t happen, you just wait and see.
I miss you, and I’m gonna miss you real bad when I go through the Gate again and you aren’t there. You left a bad hole, Daniel, and nothing’s gonna fill it. I don’t even know what I’m gonna do on missions if you aren’t there. Do you even know how many times you saved us, Daniel? I guess not. Hell, I lost track a long time ago. I guess there’s nothing to do but just keep walking through the Gate and doing my job, even if you aren’t there. It’s not gonna be easy, but it’s all I can do. When there’s nowhere to turn, Daniel, you just have to keep going, no matter how hard it is. And it’s gonna be pretty damn hard, Daniel. Trust me on that.
God, I’m tired. I need to get some sleep, and just hope that the nightmares don’t come back. Now that you forgave me, Daniel, they probably won’t, but you never know. I don’t want to go through that again. Hell, I wish they’d told me when I joined the Air Force that the hardest thing about the job was going to sleep at night. If they had, maybe you’d still be alive. Hell, Daniel, I can’t think about that now.
I’d better stop before I start bawling again. What a softie I turned out to be.
Daniel, I really miss you, I miss you a lot. You can’t know how much. Hey, listen, next time we run into some bad guys, I’ll shoot a couple down for you. How’s that sound?
God, Daniel, I can’t believe everything’s going on without you. It just isn’t right. But I guess life is like that. Aw, Danny, I wish you were here. I won’t forget, and I miss you so much.
Your best friend,
Jack
December 16, 2004 The characters mentioned in this story are the property of Showtime and Gekko Film Corp. The Stargate, SG-I, the Goa'uld and all other characters who have appeared in the series STARGATE SG-1 together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of MGM-UA Worldwide Television, Gekko Film Corp, Glassner/Wright Double Secret Productions and Stargate SG-I Prod. Ltd. Partnership. This fanfic is not intended as an infringement upon those rights and solely meant for entertainment. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author.