"Daniel, please," I plead. The air is cold and damp, my words causing tiny clouds of moisture to form.
"Give me a moment, 'k?" Daniel promises, a dismissal wave of his hand completing the sentence.
"I gave you a moment, forty-five minutes ago."
His profile is all I'm privy to. Daniel's expression is buried in the darkness of the night. "I know you did, but this is important, I need..."
I sit beside him without waiting for an invitation, invading his personal space without asking permission, cringing as he seems to pull into himself even tighter.
"You need to come inside, we need you. I need you." I'm one hundred percent positive that with Daniel by my side, I'll be able to get through what I know awaits me in the days to come.
Daniel snorts. "I'm a coward," he spits out disdainfully. "I can't help you. I couldn't even help myself. And I'm sorry, this is just too hard for me." Daniel's apology settles onto his face and he ages decades as I study him.
"Think of me then," I beg. How can I make him understand I'm relying on his strength to get me through this.
He pats my knee in consolation. "I am thinking of you and that's why this is so hard. I know how you feel. Every single thing you're feeling in here and in here." His gentle hand taps my heart and then my head before he strokes my face, tears gathering in the corners of his eyes.
My matching tears slip slowly from my eyes, their warmth in direct contrast to the night air. "I need you to know how I feel. To comprehend how hard this is for me. Everyone else says they understand, but they don't..." I inhale, forcing air into my tight chest cavity. "They say they understand, but they're lying," I reply angrily, suddenly and inexplicably annoyed at the people sardined inside my house.
Daniel clears his throat and straightens his posture, aware that the person who he was supposed to offer comfort to has become the comforter. His cold fingers interlace with my warmer ones and for a moment we sit in the silence of the night, muted voices from inside a background reminder as to what awaits us behind the closed door, and we draw strength from our contact.
Will it get easier in time? I imagine it will. Do I believe that the emptiness that encases my heart will lessen in time...maybe to some degree I think it will. But not now...all I see before me are shattered dreams. Leaving for college has lost its appeal, empty parents' weekends, no mother-daughter shopping sprees. My remaining family is here. My surrogate aunt, uncles and grandfather are all inside...hell my biggest connection to mom is sitting right next to me, my hand in his.
"You will always mourn," Daniel says, reading my mind. "Sometimes more than others, especially during special events, holidays." He notices my tears and is quick to say he's sorry.
"No, no...please don't," I beg. "I want honesty. I don't want the whispers or the pity. I want people to see me...not look away 'cause they don't know what to say. Please, don't look through me."
He squeezes my hand slightly, just enough to let me know that he's heard my plea. "She was one of my best friends."
"I would have to agree, Daniel. She saved your life enough times to earn that distinction."
My remark earns a slight chuckle of acknowledgment and we begin to talk about my mom, memories tumbling out and eventually our laughter brings the people from inside onto the porch to join us, first out of curiosity and then because they also begin to share. My family, my friends and myself, taking tentative steps in piecing the shattered dream back together so that the image of Janet Fraiser, MD, mom extraordinary, is there for all to see.
Notes: This story is based on spoilers read for Heroes and I wrote this fic to fill my computer screen with a missing scene image which I'm positive we won't see on the TV screen. It's a closure thing I guess. Thanks to jo for the beta and to all the others who lend support and laughter.
© November 12, 2003 Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I do not own the characters and indeed am only playing with them for a little while. Jack and Daniel belong to each other. I am not making any money from this and I'm still paying for everything I own so there's very little point in suing me. No copyright infringement whatsoever is intended. The story is for entertainment purposes only. At least I hope it's entertaining. The original characters, situations and story are mine. Please check with me first if you want to archive or link to this story.