A great man is he who does not lose his child's heart.
Mencius
**O'Neill**
It is amazing how such simplicity can evoke such strong emotions. The kid trusts me. It is as simple as that. The Tok'ra with their nifty new toys that saved our asses, Teal'c with his built in Junior radar, Carter with a mountain full of techno-gadgets, and what it all boils down to is trust. A little kid trusts his mother and for some God-only-knows-why reason she trusts me.
It's kinda weird, the kid trusting me like that. I haven't had anyone trust me like that since my kid, my Charlie. Geeze, I remember the time Charlie climbed that big tree in the back yard. He ask me if it was okay, and me, not really paying attention, said sure go ahead. Hell, I didn't think he was old enough to get to the first branch much less to the top of that damn tree. I was messing around in the garage not paying attention to what he was doing. Sara got back from the store and I walked out to help her with the groceries. That was when we heard him scream.
I froze. I don't think I've ever been so scared. Not in any mission, in battle, hell not even in Iraq. That scream, my kid's scream, it meant business. This wasn't a test, he wasn't fooling around. He was serious and I was scared shitless even before I knew what was wrong. I took one look at Sara's face. She had gone completely pale. I probably had too. I dropped the groceries and ran.
Charlie was hanging from a tree limb about twenty-five feet off the ground. How in the hell he got up that high I'll never figure out, but he had. Sara always said he had more of my bull-headed tenacity than any six year old kid should have. She was probably right.
It looked like Charlie had been standing on a small branch when it snapped off. He had his little arms locked on a branch above his head and he was dangling there, screaming at the top of his lungs.
I made better time getting up that tree than I ever made going over the wall on the training course in basic. I don't even remember how I got there. It was just a blur. I was afraid I would break another limb so I scooted across a branch as close as I could get under Charlie. As soon as I was in position I told him to let go.
"I'm here, Charlie," I remember saying. "You can let go now. Dad won't let you fall."
I'll never forget it. His little face streaked with tears, Charlie just looked me in the eye and let go.
Sitting on a tree branch, my arms wrapped tightly around my son, my face buried against him, I suddenly realized that I was shaking so bad someone would have thought I needed to be in detox.
"I knew you would catch me, Dad," he'd said. "I trust you."
And he did. More than I ever trusted myself. Charlie had complete and total faith that his dad would always keep him safe and I blew it. It cost my son his life. It was my fault because he trusted me.
Now I had failed again. Another kid putting his complete and total trust in me and damn it to hell I failed him, too. He was so brave standing there on the ramp. One little kid facing a room full of strangers pointing guns at him. He never once flinched. Hammond ordering him searched. Carter checking him out for weapons. All of us staring. The kid had guts.
~*~*~*~
**Charlie**
Mother explained to me what must be done. She explained why it was so important. From the moment I stepped onto the ramp I knew the tall man with the dark brown eyes was the one Mother had chosen. I knew this man, Colonel O'Neill, would not allow anything to hurt me. Mother had told me and now as I looked into his eyes I could see for myself. He would keep me safe.
Mother stays near me, so does Colonel O'Neill. I feel safe despite the strange surroundings. The colonel sits next to me and we talk. He tells me to call him Jack. He tells me that he has lost a son. His eyes change when he speaks of this. They looked haunted. The pain, which is buried deeply, surfaces in his eyes.
"Charlie," Jack tells me. "His name was Charlie."
He allows me to share his son's name. In some small way I believe it brings him some comfort.
I hope so.
When the Jaffa, Teal'c, walks into the room I was so afraid. It seemed natural to seek the safety of Jack's arms. I have never been embraced in such a manner and I find it strangely comforting.
I explain why I have come, the attrition and the plans of the Rebel Reetou. My body is tired. I lean on Colonel O'Neill and again I gain strength as he wraps his arm around my shoulder and hugs me. His mind is clearly on the serious matters at hand and I am not sure he even realizes he is comforting me. It is simply an unconscious reaction of this man. He would probably be embarrassed if anyone commented on his action, but no one does. Mother was right, Jack is a good man.
Mother is leaving. She says I must stay here. I am afraid. I cannot stop the tears. I am embarrassed when Colonel O'Neill finds me crying, but he assures me that I have nothing to be ashamed of. He has given me permission to cry. Knowing that Jack thinks it is okay to cry makes me feel better.
"Do you cry?" I ask the colonel.
There is a long pause and I see the pain surface in his eyes again. "No I don't, Charlie. Not for a long time now, but it is okay for you to cry. Sometimes I wish I could," he adds so softly I can barely hear him.
I want so much to stay here with Jack. I want to be his son, to take the place of the son he lost. But Jack says I need to go with the Tok'ra. He says they can make me better. I want to stay. I want my mother. I want Jack, but he knows what is best for me. I trust him.
*~*~*~*
*O'Neill*
How can a little kid like that make a hardass Air Force colonel feel like the sludge at the bottom of Daniel's coffee pot?
"I wouldn't lie to you, Jack," he tells me through the tears.
Oh God, why am I such a cynical bastard. All the kid asked for was exactly what he had already given me - trust. He has been telling the truth all the way along. Mother has been here watching. The soldier in me is making plans even as I am on my knees apologizing to the kid.
Kids are too damn forgiving. My kid was too. Every time I missed a ballgame, a birthday, or a special program at school, he would wrap his arms around me and tell me not to worry about it. He said I was the best dad in the whole world, Shit, I didn't deserve that. Didn't deserve his unconditional love and forgiveness for the piss poor excuse of a dad I was. Now this kid, this sick little alien kid with a freakin' bug for a mom, is forgiving me too. Kids are too damn forgiving.
"Charlie," I promise, "you and your mom stay here and you'll be safe."
Another promise broken to a kid, Jack. No kid should have to see his mother killed in front of his eyes. I should have stopped it. I should have protected the kid from this. He should hate me for letting him down, but he doesn't. He wants to stay with me. I don't deserve his faith in me.
Doc says the kid is dying and there's nothing she can do about it. It isn't fair. Charles just a little kid. He deserves a chance to run and play, to go fishing, and to see the stars. And I can't give it to him. The kid has placed his trust in me and I'm failing him again.
Jacob says the Tok'ra can save him, but at what cost? God, why does it have to be me who makes this decision? If it was me dying, I know what I would choose, but Charlie's just a kid. He shouldn't be dying. How could this kid touch that part of me I've kept hidden away for so long? If it was my kid, if my Charlie could have been saved, wouldn't I have done anything? Yeah, I would have. No questions. I would have sold my soul to save my son. But no one wanted it.
When it boils down to it, there is no choice and even though that sucks that's the way it is sometimes. A lot of times. As I kneel down and look into those eyes filled with trust I can't help but think I missed another reason to cry on my list. But I won't, I can't. Kid trusts you, has faith in you, touches your heart, you let him down. Oh yeah, definitely goes on the official reasons to cry list.
It is amazing how such simplicity can evoke such strong emotions. The kid trusts me and it is as simple as that. Goodbye Charlie, and thank you for your gift. I'm sorry I let you down. I'm sorry I couldn't do more. Your mom was right. You are special. Your trust, your faith, your smile ... you. You're one special kid.
*fin*
This is the second story in my Colonel's Kids series. As always feedback is much appreciated.
© January 2003 The characters mentioned in this story are the property of Showtime and Gekko Film Corp. The Stargate, SG-I, the Goa'uld and all other characters who have appeared in the series STARGATE SG-1 together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of MGM-UA Worldwide Television, Gekko Film Corp, Glassner/Wright Double Secret Productions and Stargate SG-I Prod. Ltd. Partnership. This fanfic is not intended as an infringement upon those rights and solely meant for entertainment. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author.