The
door opened and a sullen faced archaeologist walked in. He hesitated. For a moment it looked like Daniel was going to bolt straight
back out again, but the guard and Teal'c were unwittingly blocking the
exit. As he turned to face the barred
cell his shoulders were hunched as if he was trying to make himself invisible,
and his gaze wandered apprehensively around the brig.
Sam
smiled, wishing it showed on her face, rather than the hardened stare she could
feel set there like she was made of stone.
'He's come, at last,' she sighed in relief, though no sounds left her
body. She held no malice toward him for
not having come before. The situation
was just as much of a nightmare for the archaeologist as it was for her.
Her
mind was full of things she wanted to say.
'Please don't be afraid of me, Daniel.
Whatever *she* tells you, it's not me… you have to believe me. I wish I could stop her, but she's so
strong. Jolinar is using me… my body…
my memories… they don't belong to me anymore.
She says she'll give them back and I think I trust her that she will,
but until she does, remember I am in here.
I just wish I could let you know that I'm okay. You're the only one who might be able to see
past what I've become. Teal'c already
sees an enemy. The colonel sees a
prisoner. You, I hope, will still see a
friend…'
She
honestly don't know which emotion was worst of the ones they now wore on their
faces when they approached her…
Teal'c's anger, Jack's pity, or Daniel's fear.
//What
will you tell me of Daniel Jackson?//
Jolinar's voice permeated Sam's thoughts.
'Why
bother asking? You could just take what
I know.'
//Please,
Samantha, I do not want to do that. It
is not the way of the Tok'Ra.//
'You've
done it before.'
//Yes,
but I had no choice. Please believe me
when I say that we are not like the Goa'uld.
I do not wish to suppress you, but I will do what I must to
survive. The Ashrak comes and you are
in as much danger as I am if he finds me here.//
'So
you keep saying.' Sam mulled over
Jolinar's apparent change in attitude.
She must have been listening to her earlier thoughts on whether she
could trust the Tok'Ra's statement that she would leave her once she was
allowed through the Stargate. It didn't
help convince her Jolinar was telling the truth, but she decided to see how far
she could get by playing along with the Tok'Ra's game. 'Okay, Daniel is… he's a
member of SG-1 with me.'
//That
I already know.//
'He's
an archaeologist, a linguist.'
//These
terms mean nothing to me.//
'He
studies the past, history, the cultures of the people that have inhabited Earth
and their languages,' Sam explained.
//Not
a soldier then, like the others here?//
'No. Daniel only fights when there is no other
way.'
//So,
of all your comrades he's the most likely to be reasoned with.// Jolinar mused.
Sam
wished she knew what Jolinar was contemplating, but even if she did there was
no way to warn Daniel.
//Do
you regard him as a friend?//
'Yes.'
//But
he has not bothered to come and see you until now. I would not call that friendship…//
'You
don't understand,' Sam defended the archaeologist. 'Daniel's wife was taken by
Apophis, and he made her his queen.
Knowing Daniel, he'll have been tearing himself apart over whether to
come down here. I know he cares about
me, but to see me like this would just remind him too much of what Sha'uri has
become.'
//That
is the name of Apophis' queen's host… Sha'uri?//
'Yes.'
//Then
I have something to bargain with, after all.
I know Ammonet's location. If I
offer this information, Jackson will surely help me.//
'No. Please don't do that to him. He doesn't deserve that,' Sam begged. Begging was not something she would normally
take to quite so readily, but she felt so helpless. 'You can't use him like that.
It's not fair! You keep telling
me that you are not a Goa'uld, that the Tok'Ra are not evil. How do you expect me to believe you when
you're going to torture my friend like this.'
//It
will make him listen to me.//
'Of
course he'll listen. Not a day goes by
when he doesn't think about how to get her back. How can you be so cruel?
To dangle such hope in front of him.'
//I
am sure the Tau'ri would utilize such a tactic… I think there is even a
euphemism for it... a donkey and a
carrot.// Jolinar announced triumphantly, proud of her knowledge.
'A
poisoned carrot,' Sam cursed. It felt
so strange to be communicating inside her own head with a voice other than her
own. Weirder still was feeling her
mouth moving with words that were not her own as Jolinar spoke to Daniel. The symbiote seemed well able to carry out
the simultaneous conversations. She
tried listening to the conversation, but found it impossible. Her ears were not relaying the sounds to her
mind. She assumed they were being
intercepted by the Tok'Ra.
'Do
you really know where Sha'uri is?' she asked.
//Of
course. I have no reason to lie.//
Sam
searched within, hoping to discover that it was just as easy for her to access
Jolinar's memories as it was for the parasite to steal hers.
//You
will not succeed, Samantha.//
Damn. The Tok'Ra knew what she was trying to do.
//You
may see my thoughts only if I permit it.
If you were to become a permanent host however, I would feel obliged to
share what information I have…//
'No
! Never. I want you to leave. I
want to be myself again. Just me. Alone.'
//Then
help me. Perhaps if you were to speak
to Daniel Jackson… if the words were in your voice…//
Sam
really wanted to speak to Daniel, but not with words that Jolinar put in her
mouth. 'I can't do that to him.'
//Then
I must… in order to free myself from this place… and from you.//
'Don't
you know what it's like to be in love?' Sam screamed inside her mind at the
intruder. 'Don't you know what this
will do to him?'
//I
know what love is, Samantha,// Jolinar sounded regretful, //but sometimes we do
that which we despise in order to survive, even if it would hurt those we love
the most.//
Sam
almost felt Jolinar falter. For the
first time since she had been possessed she could sense that the Tok'Ra was
uneasy.
Daniel's
face came closer. He peered deeply into
her eyes and said quietly, "I'm sorry, Sam."
//He
spoke to you.// Jolinar was surprised.
'Oh,
God, Daniel… Thank you.' He had spoken to her… had looked right
through Jolinar to get to her. Just
like she had hoped he would do. Daniel
hadn't let her down. He'd spoken to *her*.
//He
really is not like the others.//
'You
can say that again.'
//Why
did he do that?//
'He
needs to believe that the host is still capable of being reached.'
//Because
of his wife.//
'Yes.'
//Then
that is unfortunate. With a Tok'Ra it
is possible to have privacy… a place for one's own thoughts, but a Goa'uld
would not be that generous. They keep
their hosts subdued.//
'But
the host can fight back,' Sam protested.
Kendra had told them how she had battled against the Goa'uld possessed
her… had managed to coerce the symbiote into going to Cimmeria, so that she
could free herself.
//Yes,
I have known it to be done, but the host's will must be immensely strong.//
'Daniel
believes Sha'uri is strong enough.'
//I
hope for his sake he is right. I hope
for her sake he is right.//
Sam
didn't know what had been said between Daniel and Jolinar, but she sensed a
stalemate had been reached. Daniel was
unhappily walking toward the door, signalling the guard to let him out.
'No! Don't go, Daniel, please.' Jolinar didn't let her words loose as she
had when Sam had cried out to Jack.
//I'm
sorry, Samantha. I must do this. I can think of no other way.//
'No,
please. I don't want him to look at me
in the future and see my face flaunting that knowledge in front of him. Colonel O'Neill and General Hammond would
never let Daniel's quest get in the way of Earth's security.'
//I
must try.//
Sam
cried for what her mouth was going to say, but her eyes shed no tears. She had no control over anything. Even though this being, Jolinar, claimed to
be a true symbiote, allowing the host freedom and privacy, she had yet to
witness it. All she was to the creature
was a means to an end and it seemed it would do anything to achieve what it
desired. Including alienating her
friends.
//"I
can give her back to you."//
"We
can't let you go," the archaeologist replied with a shrug, and turned
again to leave.
//"I'm
not talking about Samantha, Daniel… I'm talking about Sha'uri."//
Daniel
stopped dead in his tracks, his eyes suddenly full of dread… and hope. He had been baited…
//"I
know where she is."//
And
hooked.
*
* * * * * * *
Running
wasn't something Daniel did very often, not for the sake of it anyway, but
today he just needed to get out… get some fresh air. Away from work. Away from
everyone. He couldn't think when he was
running, and right now he didn't want to think.
He
hadn't even gotten two blocks when it started to rain. It was a gentle drizzle at first… more
annoying than anything for it coated his glasses with a fine mist which
obscured his vision. He had already
snagged his old baggy sweat-pants on a fire hydrant, ripping a hole just above
the knee. Giving up on the swift wipes
with the back of his hand that only seemed to blur the scenery more, he pulled
the spectacles from his face and tucked them in the wide pocket across the
front of his grey, hooded sweatshirt.
He still couldn't make out any details of the things he was fast
approaching, but at least he could now see the up-coming blobs in enough time
to be able to avoid them.
As
Daniel propelled his legs, continuing on his headlong, directionless journey, the
weather gradually worsened. The sky had
darkened, causing the streetlights to activate, and the cars driving ever more
slowly by as the rain got heavier and heavier had their lights on too. The surreal picture painted by the bright
beams of yellow and white and red looming out of the steady downpour, gave him
something to admire as he plodded on relentlessly. It helped to blot out the thoughts threatening to drag him into a
deep depression.
Ah,
a meteorological metaphor… Daniel's linguistic skills pointed out the irony of
his current situation. Don't… he told
himself. Deny that you're even
considering it, or it'll take over.
The
rain drummed loudly as it impacted the street, the cars, the shop canopies, the
umbrellas of the few lucky souls that had anticipated the need for one
today. Wheels swooshed and feet slapped
through the rapidly expanding puddles, and Daniel lost himself in the
thunderous sounds.
The
more intense the shower became, the more satisfied he felt. It complemented his mood perfectly and he
welcomed it.
Eventually,
Daniel's pace slowed, becoming flat-footed and ungainly, until he stopped at a
crossroads. He bent over, resting his
hands on his thighs, heaving in great gulps of air, while the deluge cooled his
overheated body.
Gradually
straightening, as his panting gasps eased into a more natural pattern of
breathing, Daniel slid his hands up to his sides and dug his fingertips into
his hip bones, willing the pressure to relieve the stitches his exertions had
induced. He hadn't realized just how
much effort he'd been putting into it… the running, or the forgetting, and he
had to rest for a minute. Just a
minute… before his brain had chance to start working again…
Watching
with dull fascination as the huge drops splashed onto the sidewalk, he scolded
himself. Jack was still mad at
him. Hammond probably thought him a
gullible fool. But how could he *not*
listen?
Jolinar
had used him, just as surely as she had used Sam.
Oh
God, Sam…
He
shouldn't be thinking about himself. This
wasn't about what the episode had cost him.
It hadn't cost him anything really.
Apart from a small slice of hope, and he was by now used to that
particular dish being snatched away before it had grown cold… or should be. So,
he still didn't know where Sha'uri was, but that was not information he had
lost, only knowledge he had *not gained*.
There *was* a difference. But if
he was not careful he could lose Sam.
He didn't want the price of his disappointment to be her friendship gone
forever. He knew above all else he
couldn't afford that.
She's
okay… she's okay now, he told himself.
It was gone. The Goa'uld… no,
*the Tok'Ra* was dead. Except Sam
wasn't okay… far from it in fact. Sure,
she was free, and her body absorbing the remains of the symbiote, but she was
mourning its passing.
How
could that be? Jolinar had invaded
Sam's body without permission, despite what the Tok'Ra claimed to believe in…
had used her against her will. Why then
did Sam grieve for Jolinar's passing?
He wanted to understand how she felt.
Sam
had told Jack it had given up its life so that she might live. That proved something, surely. A Goa'uld would never have done that. The Tok'Ra *must* be the benevolent beings
Jolinar claimed them to be.
Daniel
wanted that to be true. He needed to
believe not all the creatures were as bad as the Goa'uld seemed to be. For if one could change, others could too,
and maybe Sha'uri had a chance to sway Ammonet. It would also help Sam.
Although it appeared it was going to be hard for her to get over the
physical symptoms of Jolinar's joining with her, at least she had not been subjected
to the evilness of a Goa'uld.
Lifting
his face to the sky, Daniel let the heavy droplets pound his forehead, his
cheeks, his eyes. He wanted the
sensation to submerge his thoughts, once again.
He
wondered how far he would have let the tantalizing possibility of learning
Sha'uri's whereabouts push him. Sam…
no, Jolinar had taunted him with it. If
the Ashrak hadn't made an appearance, would he have helped the Tok'Ra in order
to gain access to that intelligence. Of
course he would.
He
hadn't wanted to go in that room… to see his friend in that cell. Imprisoned, not only by the bars, but by the
creature that had invaded her mind. If,
no *when*, they ever found Sha'uri, is that how they would treat her ? Of course they would.
He
had been so scared. Scared of Sam. Afraid of finding out that she had become as
inhuman as his wife had been when he had last seen her. Witnessing Sha'uri's eyes, once so full of
love and passion, be utterly devoid of emotion had torn his heart in two. He had been as stunned by the merciless look
on his wife's face when he'd called her name as he had been by the blast from
Apophis's hand device. The memory
rocked him back on his heels, but this time, there was no blessed relief of
unconsciousness from the harsh reality of Sha'uri's possession.
Had
Jolinar really known where Ammonet was?
And if she had told him, would he have been allowed to find out whether
it was the truth? Would Jack have
backed him up, or would he have had to go on his own? Would they even have let him through the Stargate alone?
Furthermore,
did Sam know? If Jolinar had been able
to read Sam's mind, could Sam have seen into the thoughts of the Tok'Ra? It was too cruel on himself to hope, and it
wouldn't be fair to burden Sam with his need.
All she could feel at the moment was loss.
He
was sure she would pass on any knowledge she might have gained as soon as she
was able. Until such time, he would
just have to be patient.
Questions…
too many of them, weighing him down, but one was more terrifying to admit to
than the others… If he did find
Sha'uri, would he be just as afraid of *her*?
An
abrupt attack of shivers had him bring his arms up to wrap around his sodden
sweatshirt, and Daniel realized he was drenched, soaked right through from head
to foot. What only moments before had
been refreshing was now uncomfortable… and cold.
Thinking
that he really ought to get home and into a nice *hot* shower, Daniel wearily
stretched his legs and began to move.
There was a squelching in his sneakers, and he grimaced. He could almost feel the blisters forming as
his saturated socks rubbed against the soles of his feet.
Why? Why Sha'uri? Why Skaara? Why Sam?
Why *him*? Just… Why? He wanted to scream it. Nothing made any sense.
He
lent back, closed his eyes, spread his arms and held his hands open, silently
asking the sky instead. It had no
answer for him, except to douse him again, adding insult to injury.
Something
was pressed into his palm and Daniel jumped at the touch, his eyelids springing
open. An elderly woman was curling his
fingers around a now soggy twenty dollar bill.
"There you go, dear," she said pleasantly. "Get yourself out of this dreadful
storm and warm up. There's a coffee
shop just over the road." She
pointed to a neon sign just visible through the stair-rods dropping to the
ground.
"Um,"
Daniel stuttered, bemused and already warmed by her kindness. "Thank you, but it's not… I'm not…"
"You
don't have to explain dear. I know you
have your pride, but please just make an old lady happy." And with that she scuttled away.
"Thank
you!" he called after her. He
looked at the note in his hand and smiled.
Life was so stupid. He had so
much money he didn't know what to do with and someone who probably needed every
penny her pension paid was handing him more.
Nothing like that had happened when he really had been destitute.
No,
he was wrong. Funnily enough, it had
been raining then too. Another elderly
lady *had* offered him something… everything he could ever have dreamed of. And he'd thrown it all away…
Catching
sight of himself in a shop window, he could see why the woman had thought he
was destitute. His clothes were
clinging to his body as he moved. The
tear in his pants exposed his knee, and the wet-darkened strands of his long
hair stuck unflatteringly to his face and his neck. He looked a sorry sight.
Bedraggled. He didn't care.
The
image was oddly perceptive. It didn't
say who he was. It only showed a body…
a vision of one moment in time. Just
like the person in the cell tempting him with the answer to his prayers hadn't
been Sam. He couldn't blame her for
what Jolinar had said to him, just as he would never hold Sha'uri responsible
for anything she might be forced to do while being Ammonet's host.
Looking
beyond the reflection, Daniel saw a multitude of colors. Another metaphor? Someone, it seemed was trying to tell him something. He had taken a step back from his fear to
speak to Sam. He had done what he had
to do… what he was best at. He had
never been one for taking things at face value. Puzzles of the past, the intricacies of a symbiotic relationship…
they were very similar problems. He was
good at stripping away the unnecessary… the distracting, often dazzling
surfaces, to get to the important… the heart.
Realizing
he was peering into a florist's, he looked at the twenty dollars still clutched
in his hand and an idea sprang up on him.
Unable to remember the last time he'd bought flowers for anyone, he
fumbled in his pocket to see what other money he'd brought out with him, opened
the door and stepped inside.
* * * * * * * *
Daniel
hesitated for just a second or two at the doorway, unsure. He took a deep breath. Gaze fixed firmly on the bouquet, not on the
machinery surrounding the curled figure, he almost hid behind the blooms as he
tentatively entered the room.
Adjusting
his grip on the vase before carefully setting the huge display of flowers on
the bedside table, his thoughts dallied between confronting the withdrawn soul
and fleeing back to his office.
He
could do this. He *would* do this… for
Sam now, and God willing, for Sha'uri sometime soon.
Suddenly,
he wasn't afraid anymore.
Lowering
himself gently to sit on the bed, he leaned over just enough to see her face
and called softly, "Hey, Sam.
How's it going tonight ?"
© May 2002. The characters mentioned in this story are the property of Showtime and Gekko Film Corp. The Stargate, SG-I, the Goa'uld and all other characters who have appeared in the series STARGATE SG-1 together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of MGM-UA Worldwide Television, Gekko Film Corp, Glassner/Wright Double Secret Productions and Stargate SG-I Prod. Ltd. Partnership. This fanfic is not intended as an infringement upon those rights and solely meant for entertainment. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author.