• SPOILERS : All of season 4, Shades of Gray, Nemesis, The Serpent's Lair, Stargate the film and probably some other small references.
• There's a reason why Jack and Daniel's relationship seems strained in season 4...
• PG-13 [A] [Hu] [D]

A time of ignorance, lacking in knowledge and unenlightenment.

Colonel Jack O'Neill, Major Samantha Carter and Teal'c … status unknown.

Having presumably 'gated from Thor's ship moments before it burned up in the Earth's atmosphere and what was left crashed into the Pacific Ocean, no one knows if they actually escaped, what their physical conditions were if they escaped, or where they might have escaped to.

In the bowels of Cheyenne Mountain, engineers have been working around the clock to get the beta 'gate up and running. There were many technical difficulties and the delays have taken their toll on everyone involved.

Doctor Daniel Jackson, unable to join his team due to recent emergency surgery to remove a ruptured appendix, had overseen much of the work. Although, not much help in the practical sense, he had been there to offer encouragement and give advice where he could.

Being there, was the only way he could feel close to his team, he had to believe that they were still alive… out there somewhere… just waiting for the 'gate to be operational for them to come home.

It gave him comfort to know that he had been able to contribute something to the process of getting them back.

* * * * * * *

Daniel slouched into his office and snapped on the desk lamp. He turned as he heard movement behind him. An unfamiliar figure was stepping from the shadow behind the open door. "Good evening, Doctor Jackson."

"Hello, er… sorry, I don't…" Squinting to try and read the man's name badge in the half-light, Daniel stammered an apology to him.

"Know my name ? There's no reason why you should."

"Oh."

"Having trouble with the installation of the beta 'gate ?"

"A bit, yes…" Daniel tilted his head, wondering when the man would get to what he really wanted and just a little unnerved by the fact that he was pacing slowly toward him with a kind of self-assured swagger.

"So, if O'Neill and the others did survive, they won't be able to get back until it's fixed."

"That's right."

"If they survived…"

"They did." Silently he pleaded to his absent friends, 'Guys, you have to be alive, please…'

The man was in his personal space now. He jumped when a hand landed on his shoulder and gave a firm squeeze. After staring at the offending limb for a moment, a puzzled expression crossed Daniel's face and he lifted his gaze to meet black eyes leering back at him.

"Well, I just wanted to stop by, you know… and say how sorry I was to hear about your relapse."

"Relapse ?" Daniel took a step backward, shrugging the hand off. The stranger's tone had taken on a distinctly dark quality that sent a shiver down his spine.

"From the operation… appendix, wasn't it ?"

"Yes, but I don't unders…"

Without warning, Daniel found himself sprawled across the desk. Agony tore through his stomach where the stitched together flesh clashed with the wooden edge.

"If you hadn't suffered that fall…" the man dragged him up and held him firmly by the shoulder of his shirt while he slammed a fist into the wound.

Daniel heaved in a ragged breath, trying to push back the onslaught of searing pain radiating out from where his appendix had once been. Looking up at the man who seemed bent on finishing what it had started, "Why are you doing this ?" he asked shakily.

"Because we'll be quite happy if O'Neill doesn't get back, but if he does and finds his pet archaeologist died while he wasn't here to protect him, we'll have got a bit of payback. He should have known it wasn't over when he got Maybourne's off-world team. That delicious Major of his will be next…"

He let go of the cloth and Daniel slumped forward, breathing heavily.

The man stepped toward him again, ready to deliver the final blow. "Goodbye, Doctor Jackson…" He began, but he never finished the farewell speech.

Daniel waited for the man to get just close enough, then brought his knee up to catch him hard in the groin. The man howled and doubled over. "You know, despite what Jack thinks, I do listen to him sometimes." He followed up, grabbing the man around his lowered neck. "I paid particular attention to the lecture on 'faking it to gain the upper hand' and," he said as he squeezed his fingers harder, "also to the one on 'pressure points'." The man dropped to the floor, unconscious.

Staggering back against the desk, Daniel let out a huge sigh of relief, both hands clutching at the reopened scar and the damage beneath. Maybe he hadn't had to fake it quite as much as he let on… He was about to reach over to press the alarm button on the wall, when he heard his name being called. It sounded very far away. As his arm went out, he saw a shadow by the door. Relief washed through him as he recognised a friendly, concerned face. "General, I… I…"

The edges of his vision rapidly approached one another and he felt himself falling. He knew he hadn't hit the ground, because he landed against something quite soft and he smiled, thinking that he might just be able to cling to awareness, but then a spear of pain shot through his body and the darkness claimed him after all…

One last call to make before I turn in.

I know I'll find him up. He was supposed to get some rest hours back, but Siler told me he hadn't left the 'gate room until a few minutes ago.

He shouldn't be pushing himself like this. It's only a few days since we almost lost him. I swear I saw Jack O'Neill's hair turning grayer by the minute as he held his young friend, trying to help him cope with the pain until the medical team got there. When Fraiser said that his appendix had ruptured and whisked him off for emergency surgery, it sounded bad, her face told me it was worse… and my heart took a dive into my boots. We all stayed near to him that night, just in case. It was close.

Fraiser let him out of the infirmary much too soon after his operation. I'm sure she tried her best to keep him in that bed, but his team were in trouble… and when his team are in trouble, well, anyone at all is in trouble, for that matter… you're sure to find a very focussed, very determined and more often than not exhausted and undernourished archaeologist working his butt off to sort it all out.

This time, however, there wasn't much any of us could do, except sit and wait. Wait for SG-1 to save themselves. Let's face it, they're more used to doing that than I, for one, would like to think about, but when you're talking about crashing an alien ship, which is being eaten by techno bugs, into Earth's atmosphere there was more than a doubt in my mind that they'd survived.

That doubt was in Daniel's mind too, I could see it gnawing away at his soul. It was heartbreaking to see him staring out at the empty space where the Stargate had been, wondering if he'd just lost everyone he cared deeply about… again.

As I poke my head around the open door, I'm not surprised to see the light still on. My gaze comes to rest on a prone figure on the floor. Now, I know there are several hundred men and women under my command, but I've always prided myself that I can put a name to each and every face I might pass during my overly long days here and one thing's for sure, I don't recognise him…

Looking up, I see the subject of my late night wandering, two shades whiter than that of a ghost. He's going to fall… God, he looks as bad as he did a few days ago when…

What's been going on in here ?

"Doctor Jackson ?"

My eyes finally see the blood on his hand as he reaches toward the alarm. He hasn't noticed me, didn't hear me call.

"Daniel ?" Oh no, his other hand is covered in blood as well, pressed so hard against his stomach that I can see the white knuckles starkly contrasting with the crimson flowing over his fingers. What the hell has happened ?

He finally sees me, tries to speak, but cuts off as he sways. Can't let him hit the floor. "I've got you, son." I catch him as he collapses. I see the slight smile of thanks he gives me. He jerks suddenly and I tighten my grip on him. Poor kid, I can almost feel the pain myself and now I know first hand what Jack was going through last week. Easing him to the floor, I can see his eyes have closed.

I thump the alarm button he never quite managed to reach and grab for the 'phone.

Here we go again…

"General ?" As I enter Daniel's office, I'm met with a most unusual site. It's not often you find a two star General kneeling on the floor with his arms around a young archaeologist. He's not in the least bit fazed though, completely ignoring the occasional glances from the SFs who are handcuffing an obviously unconscious body. Don't know him.

"What happened here ?" I ask as I drop down beside the General.

While I begin examining Daniel, Hammond proceeds to tell me what Daniel has been able to recount in the few lucid moments he's had since his collapse. I curse loudly at what I find… all my neatest external handiwork brutally ripped open and from what I can tell my internal suturing hasn't fared much better.

Daniel moans softly under my touch and I'm grateful for the General's compassion as he rubs a hand up and down his arm and says, "It's okay, son, you're in good hands now."

I lift one of Daniel's eyelids and see the same dilated pupil that sent a shudder down my spine last week. Calling my corpsman across, I tell the General that I'm going to have to operate again and I move to lift Daniel, but he says he's got it and between him and the medic Daniel's loaded onto the gurney. We push it to the elevator to take him to the infirmary.

Hammond asks me to inform him of progress and as the elevator doors close I nod that I will. He stalks back to check on the prisoner.

The ride to the infirmary level seems to be taking so long. Daniel shifts restlessly and I close my left hand over his bloody right one. "Soon get you sorted out, Daniel. Try and relax, okay ?"

I am getting very tired of seeing him get wheeled about like this. He doesn’t deserve it.

It seems that I spend half my time in this damned place these days. I hate that smell of antiseptic and the sounds of monitors bleeping their own special rhythms that tell me a man is down… again. How many more times will it be this same man, before his well of incredible luck runs dry ?

Fraiser has given me the low down on what she found and what she had to do to put it right and she's told me he'll be just fine… again.

Looking down on his peaceful, sleeping face, I wonder how he can still appear so young and vulnerable after all he's been through in his life. Perhaps that’s a little unfair to the man, he certainly doesn't see himself as vulnerable and the way he handled his attacker last night, even when injured, clearly proves that he is not, but he still has that youthful innocence about him that makes us all want to protect him.

I didn't really give it much consideration until just a few weeks ago, when he didn't come back from a mission. He told me later, how sorry he was for eavesdropping on my 'phone call with my granddaughter, but he said he was pleased that I could find time for my family despite the rigours of my work and how much he respected me for it. That came as quite a shock and it wasn't until I was alone in my office, staring at the beautiful faces of little Kayla and Tessa in the picture I keep on my desk, that I realized the deeper meaning of what he had said. His own grandfather couldn't be bothered to have any contact with him, when he so desperately needed someone to cling to. My simple conversation with Kayla had reminded him of everything he missed out on as a boy and my heart wept for him.

If…no, when O'Neill gets back he's going to make someone pay for this.

"Gen… General ?" Half-open blue eyes peer wearily up at me. "Don't tell Jack," he whispers and his eyes flutter closed again. He knows. He knows what O'Neill would do and he's worried. Worried that O'Neill will try to avenge him and will come off worse for the experience. It worries me too. O'Neill should be told. Daniel's a member of his team and O'Neill's the CO, he has a right to know what's happened… a military right. On the other hand of course, as Daniel reminds us so very often, he is not military and it is his civilian right to privacy that he would proclaim, no doubt very eloquently, to me.

Okay, son, I won't tell him… but I hope you do. He would want you to… he has another right to know… as your friend. Then again, you'll see it as your right as his friend to protect him… from himself.

I just hope you know what you're doing…

Small Victories

At last… the wormhole's established. We can go home.

It'll be a long debriefing, but when that's over I'm going to get straight out of there and do what I was going to do when Thor came looking for my help. Much as I love that little guy, he sure has bad timing…

Carter had just made some comment about fishing. My cover story. I knew they'd all blow me off that one. I wasn't lying, exactly… I was going to do some fishing… just not the aquatic kind…

I wanted to find out who sent me that note I found in my office. Nasty little surprise… there… sitting on my desk… waiting for me. I'd only just come back up from the infirmary. Daniel was out of surgery, but Fraiser wasn't happy about his condition. That made two of us… well, no actually, that made at least five of us… So, I thought I'd grab some of the ever present pile of paperwork and go through it while keeping Daniel company, not that he'd know I was there… strike that… yes, he would… of course he would.

Anyway, that's when I found it. A none too subtle threat against my team… and yes, you sick SOBs, I did guess who you'd choose to play with first… to pay me back for my recent covert operation to bring in your bad guys. I had to deal with it… personally… and deal with it soon.

Seems like a long time ago now, but they won't have forgotten, so neither can I.

Think I'll cool off on Daniel for a while, until I get things sorted. If they don't see us hanging about together quite so much, then maybe… just maybe… they'll leave him alone.

Right, here we go then, home it is…

Dammit. He doesn't look any better than when we left him… and why does he look like he's just run all the way to be here ? Duh ! Because he has, O'Neill, you dumb schmuck. God, I really hate to do this. It's all I can do not to just pull him into a big hug, like back then… after Klorel's ship… I am pleased to see you kid, really I am, I just can't afford to show it right now, okay ? When I've been fishing, I'll tell you all about it… promise… and dinner will be on me. And I hope you'll forgive me for treating you to yet another superb rendition of my Colonel Hardass routine. I thought I'd seen the last of him… you showed me that I didn't have to be him… This is going to be so hard…

"Well, it's about time !"

"It's good to see you too."

Boy, is it ever. It's been so long. Last time I thought I'd lost you guys was just a lie from Hathor and her gang. The time before that I thought you'd all got blown up on Apophis's ship. On both occasions it was only a few hours before I found out that you were still alive. This time it's been over a week without knowing and it's been tearing me apart.

The stuff that happened while you were gone isn't important. I dealt with it. All that matters is that you're all back.

Just please don't leave me behind again…

I hope the Colonel's finished in the shower. Janet's filled me in on all the gossip, although I'm sure there's something she's not telling me.

Still, I'm not going to let that get to me today. It's good to be back… seems like we've been away for ages. The planet was nice enough… could have done with a change of clothes though… and we actually had quite a bit of fun. Shame Daniel wasn't there, he could have done with the break.

The Colonel got to do his fishing after all… just as well really, there wasn't much else to eat, until Teal'c managed to hunt down some sort of deer like creature. I was surprised how good it tasted, but I suppose that after four days of fish for breakfast, fish for lunch, fish for dinner, even a spit roasted Goa'uld larva would have tasted pretty darn good… not that I ever want to try it.

I asked Janet about Daniel, she went a bit quiet on me. She had that kind of frown that she usually reserves for bad news, but she said he'd been okay… had gotten over the surgery all right. Although, she said he'd been working too hard as usual, helping with getting the beta 'gate up and running. That makes our little holiday seem even more unfair…

As soon as I've cleaned up I'm going to invite everyone back to my place for supper. Janet's going to bring Cassie over after school and help me prepare. We haven't been to my home for quite some time. It'll make a change from the Colonel's barbecues. Don't get me wrong, I love them, but they're all I've had in more than a week and I could really do with a decent salad… and some fries… perhaps a cheesecake… some ice cream… diet soda…

We are home… Can a military facility be called 'home' ?

It is where I reside, now… one room.

Daniel Jackson looks better, but not by much and tired… he often looks tired, above all though, he is relieved that we are home… safely. I believe many of his thoughts this past week may have leaned toward the opposite outcome.

It is strange to think there are people here who would worry about my safety… Daniel Jackson, General Hammond, Doctor Fraiser and perhaps some others. Not since my early training as a Jaffa, when my mother feared for me, have I appreciated the concern of others.

Drey'ac was a strong woman, with a spirit befitting that of the wife of a First Prime. She believed Apophis to be invincible… her God would protect her husband… it has been hard for her to accept that it was the other way around.

I am still not convinced that she believes what I have told her about the false gods. She only agreed to leave Chulak out of fear for our son as a pawn in the revenge of Apophis. On my last visit to them, we agreed that our marriage was over, it could bear the arguments and accusations no longer. Thankfully, she will let me see Ry'ac whenever I am able.

Major Carter has invited me to her home this evening. It will be pleasant to celebrate our return this way. She has promised me there will be no fish on the table. I had never had cause to eat this type of food before we were stranded. While I was grateful for sustenance, I did not find the flavour of these creatures to be palatable and my symbiote seemed most distressed by it.

Well, that wasn't the homecoming I'd expected to see.

O'Neill brushed straight past Doctor Jackson, heading for the showers. Even Teal'c showed him more affection than O'Neill did.

Still, with the grin that the kid flashed at me… shame we don't get to see that very often… I don't think he'd have cared if O'Neill had walked right over him to get to the locker room, he's just so happy to have them all back, safe and sound… even if a little distant.

And now we've been alerted to two emergencies… one on our planet and one at the Asgard homeworld. They are a valuable ally and we must help them if we can, but I was so looking forward to going over to Sam's this evening. I felt quite honored when she invited me. I had hoped that gathering would help reintegrate Doctor Jackson with his team. He knows they have had time to grow closer to each other while away.

I don't know if he actually feels 'left out' of their enforced vacation, that seems a childish way to put it; but I know from experience that sometimes when a team member has been isolated for a time… and it doesn't have to be all that long… they can find it hard to get back into their place.

* * * * * * * *

God, Jack, don't ask me to do that, please…

How can I give the order to kill you and Teal'c ? I've only just gotten you back. It's not fair…

What would Sam say, huh ? How could I look her in the eye and tell her that I'd done that ?

There has to be another way…

Davis ? You're asking Davis to do it now ? Don't you trust me to make the decision ? I know I don't want to blow you up, but I wouldn't let you suffer and die the other way…

We're out of options.

"Okay. Okay."

Did I really say it ? I'm sorry, Jack, Teal'c. I should have been able to find another way out for you. I failed… Why does everyone I care about not only have to die, but die right in front of my eyes ? Perhaps it's someone's way of showing me just how much of a failure I am… Failed as a son… Failed as a husband… Failed as a friend. Oh God.

Wait… What's that ?

"They're okay."

Daniel, just do it, please. I don't want to be eaten alive by these damn bugs. Can't say that I really want to be blown up by a torpedo either, but at least that way should be quicker and hopefully less painful. Besides with me out of the way, at least you'd be safe. They wouldn't have any excuse to get at you with me gone, now would they ? Where's the fun in payback, when the one they want to get back at is dead ?

What the… ?

"Now that's timing !" Who said Thor had bad timing ? Me ? No way !

The Other Side

Here's mud in your eye, Maybourne. Mmm… the drink's not bad… The glass ? That's something else… Part of me wants to laugh out loud. Just a few weeks ago I was rounding up Maybourne's motley crew and letting the Asgard and the Tollans take back all their stolen property and here's Alar offering us all the technological wonders of his world and all he wants in return is water. Okay, granted, heavy water… and that can be used for some pretty mean stuff, but who cares ? Finally, finally, we have something to take back home that the big boys will be only too pleased to dole out the cash for and so keep the Stargate project open.

Daniel's giving me the look, definitely not a happy camper. Sorry, buddy, this playing tough with you is getting a little too easy.

I know I gave that self-righteous speech to Makepeace about how we needed the Tollans and the Asgard themselves, not their stuff, but this feels good. It's just too bad that your conscience won't let you accept their offer, without wanting to know how they'll use what we give them. Who gives a damn who their enemy are ? Nothing to do with us. Let's do the exchange of goods and go home. There might be another advantage from this situation. When the NID get their toys to play with, they might feel less like kicking our asses. Yes, see? This might be good for you in ways you never should have to know about.

So…

"Shut up, Daniel."

Jack is so mad… at me… I can't help being sceptical about what Alar is offering. Nothing is that easy.

Besides we're supposed to be here to help them, when did this get turned around to be about getting what we want ?

God, I've been so blind. No wonder it was so easy to get General Hammond to approve a humanitarian aid mission. He knew these people would be so desperate that they'd offer us anything we wanted in return for our help.

Perhaps it wouldn't be so bad. I mean if the Government were providing aid to another country, there would likely be some trade to show appreciation, this is no different… Except I can't help thinking that there's more to this war than any of them are letting on and there have been some really strange looks in our direction, well, at Teal'c, mostly, I think. Perhaps they've never seen a Jaffa before, there's no indication that the Goa'uld have ever been here.

Jack's outburst was uncalled for. I know I shouldn't have questioned his decision quite so openly, but when else was I supposed to do it ? Why is he providing them with what amounts to ammunition ? This was supposed to be about food, medical supplies, clothing… the basics… when did this become giving them the means to strike back at their enemy… whoever they are… ?

When it became the way to more alien technology than even Maybourne could dream about, that's when.

This is so wrong…

And to think that for a few moments there, I actually understood, I actually felt the need to get something back for our trouble, to help in our fight. No. This is not the way to achieve that, well to the Air Force it is, it is just the way to achieve that, but what would we be responsible for ? Should we let the Eurondans wipe out their enemy, when we don't even know what they're fighting about ? Just because they are giving us their stuff, it shouldn't make us on their side. What would have happened if the Stargate on this planet had been in the possession of the Eurondan's enemy ? Would we be on their side now ? I guess the answer to that is, 'yes,' if they had to offer what these people have.

Oh, I know it's happened in the past. I know history, remember ? That doesn't mean we should do it now. If nothing else, I need to remind Jack and the General of this. It's what I'm here for isn't it ? Communication. Talk to the aliens, try to make them see that we come in peace and want to be their friends. Why is it that at the moment I feel like the aliens I need to communicate with are the ones who are supposed to be my friends ?

One sniff of superior weaponry and the military machismo quickly surfaces. I'm the outsider here… nothing new there… always have been… I've gotten used to it over the years… but I thought, finally, I had made some ground with those in the SGC… helped them to see that there's more to life than having bigger and better stuff than the enemy. Just goes to show how wrong you can be…

Where's that proverbial brick wall ? It seems like it's about time I used my head again.

* * * * * * * *

Damn, I shouldn't have said that. I might just as well have slapped the poor kid. Of course he understands that we need a means to fight the Goa'uld… he's lost more than any of us to them.

Doctor Jackson was right of course. We knew nothing of the Eurondan history, why they were at war, who their enemy was, which side we… from our perspective… would see as having been at fault.

This whole thing has blown up in our faces.

We have achieved nothing. In fact, judging from the debriefing session, I would guess we have lost a whole lot. Doctor Jackson hardly ever raised his head, buried so far in his own thoughts he might need an archaeologist to help uncover himself, now there's a funny thought…

Actually, this is no laughing matter. The members of my best team have got a lot of reconstruction ahead of them if they're going to recover from this. Major Carter privately informed me that things had gotten a little personal between O'Neill and Jackson. I think she has a right to be worried. Those two are just too stubborn for their own goods.

Okay, so I was wrong. I can admit that. If only we weren't treading such a thin line over whether or not this project gets cancelled, maybe I would have let Daniel ask his questions sooner.

I went way over the top with him this time. Sure, I've apologised… kind of… He'll get over it… someday. Didn't say a word to me in the debriefing, didn't even look my way. At least my plan is working. I haven't had any more crap from the NID, since I started pushing him away.

Upgrades

Invincible… now that's a word I like. Though the way Hammond sees it at the moment, there's no point in having superhuman powers if you haven't got the sense to know when and where it's appropriate to use them. I guess he's right… but it was good to see Daniel getting the upper hand on a bully for once. He wouldn't normally have taken the bait, but we aren't normal now, are we ?

I might be able to use this argument with Hammond… if he lets us go on a mission and put these things to use, we won't be getting up to no good on Earth, will we ? He might as well give us his blessing, because let's face it, who's gonna stop us if we want to go ?

Oh, so, here's the punch line. The Tok'Ra have a mission just right for us… surprise, surprise.

Boy, that Anise… sweet looking thing, isn't she ? Daniel hit the nail right on the head the moment he clapped eyes on her... trouble ? Yeah, sure ya betcha.

We fell for her routine right from the start, didn’t we ?

We wanted some alien technology, right ? She'd got just the thing… something to use together… but, oh dear, they don't work on the Tok'Ra… She admitted they were screwing with our bodies, but hey, who cares as long as it's for a good cause ? Oh, sorry, won't they come off ?

Took full advantage of those armbands causing irrational actions, didn't you, Anise ? Told the General about the mission in front of us, so you knew that when he turned you down, we'd still do it anyway… because in the long run, it'd help Earth too…

You didn't fool Hammond and you don't fool me. Don't try to pretend you knew nothing of this, when you came here, with just the tools to complete the job, well half the tools… you needed us to complete them.

She knew… bitch.

I wouldn't trust the Tok'Ra as far as I could throw one of them and with this armband on that would be pretty damned far... now there's something worth considering…

Whoa... I haven't felt this fit, this strong, this... great... since... Oh my God, I guess this isn't going to be a good thing then, right ?

* * * * * * * *

What have I done ? I chose to fight that guy, not because I felt the need to defend myself, but because I knew I could win. That's not right... that's not me... at least I didn't think it was. Suppose what they say about absolute power is true...

* * * * * * * *

I knew it, it's happening again. This is exactly what I was feeling when I was using the Sarcophagus… invincible, indefatigable, infallible… and any other 'in' word that means… basically… a complete and utter bastard.

I don't want this, but I can't stop it. We're all caught up in the false 'high' these armbands are inducing in us.

* * * * * * * *

We're going on a mission. Finally, we can put our new found powers to some use… Kick some Goa'uld ass… better still, kick Apophis's ass. God, I've been hanging around Jack for too long…

At least we'll be wreaking havoc off-world. I don't think I'll ever be able to show my face in O'Malley's again… even when they've lifted our ban.

Wow, these things are incredible !

I've always told myself that I can do my job as good as any man. Now, I know that the science bit of my job, I can probably do better than most other air force personnel, regardless of gender, but there were limitations… physical ones… for some aspects of the rest of my military training. That's just not the case anymore.

It's an unbelievable feeling. I'm not sure if it's a good feeling. Sounds like how Daniel felt when he was on Shyla's planet and I so do not want to think about that.

Apophis won't know what hit him…

* * * * * * * *

Never am I more grateful that Teal'c has junior, than now. If he had been wearing an armband and been overwhelmed by its power, like the rest of us… well, we wouldn't be sitting in the infirmary now… getting our post unauthorized mission exams… The Doc's busy making sure we didn’t bring anything nasty back with us…

Apparently, Anise discovered that the armbands would fall off once our immunity to the virus they induced in us kicked in. Rather too conveniently, for my thinking, she didn't announce the fact until after we'd left.

And who should lose their super powers first ? Daniel, so it wasn't to do with candy intake afterall... probably that virus thing... we all know how screwy Danny's immune system is...

When we went back and found him lying in that corridor, unable to move, my stomach did a somersault, I swear. I didn't know how we were going to accomplish the mission and carry Daniel around. I was already feeling pretty crappy myself by that time. Then Teal'c showed up… I bet he would've come even of he hadn't been following orders.

Things got weird after that… weirder… I remember Carter not getting through one of the shields and starting back for her. It felt like I was wading through treacle. I hit the shield too and then… nothing… until Carter's voice woke me.

At least we had managed to get the charges set. If that shield hadn’t lost its power, we would all have been blown up with the ship… all of us. I didn't want to leave Carter, but Daniel and Teal'c didn’t want to leave us either…

God, I love my team.

Crossroads

So, now Teal'c has had his love wrenched from him, murdered… just as mine was.

Part of me… a very small part… I'm relieved to say, and a part that I can pretty much ignore ninety-nine percent of the time, thinks that it is retribution. He was after all responsible for Sha'uri being taken in the first place and then it was he who killed her.

That first transgression, was not him, not the Teal'c who is my colleague… my friend and it's because of that that the second transgression occurred, my friend saved my life… did, what was for him, the right thing… and I have forgiven my friend, mostly.

When I saw Sha'uri, lying there, beside me, already gone, I wanted Teal'c to shoot me too. It couldn't hurt as much as knowing I would never be with her again. I wanted so much to be with her, that if death were the only way that was going to happen, then I would have willingly accepted it, for a moment.

That moment soon passed. It was wrong. I am not a coward. I could go on without her… I had been going on without her… The hope that I would get her back someday helped me with that, but when that was gone, the one thing that offered me some comfort was that at least this way she was free, not suffering any longer.

The loss of hope is a dreadful thing, but no matter how bad things get; I would not seek the easy way out.

I don't want to die.

I told Jack that once, it's still true, no matter what happens… in spite of everything… I don't want to die.

Daniel Jackson is a good man… a good friend. Despite everything I have done to cause him emotional pain, he still offers me comradeship… perhaps because our situations are somewhat alike. He has a deep understanding of the anguish I am going through. We are both separated from those that we love and both feel alien to this world.

One day, Daniel Jackson, maybe I will have the courage to talk about my feelings and rest assured that you are the one I would chose to go to for that. I owe you that much.

I grieve daily for the things I did in my past, when my life was ruled for me. I am glad I decided to walk another path and it pleases me greatly that you can find it in your heart to tread it with me. Thank you for your forgiveness… it means more to me than you can possibly know.

Ending Sha'uri's life was not something I took lightly. I knew what it would mean for you. I knew what it could mean for us. Even so, I know I did the right thing and I would do the same again, if I had to. Luckily for me, you are a strong man, strong in ways that would make many a Jaffa envious.

I am not sure if I can put aside my hatred of Tanith, as you must have done for me. I fear the need for retribution will be my downfall. Is that why you deny what must lie deep in your soul ? Do you fear what you would become if you gave in to it ?

Perhaps we could honor our loves together… celebrate their lives, rejoice in the memories of them, weep for the loss of them.

Divide and Conquer

This Earth/Tok'Ra Alliance is such a bad idea. The Tok'Ra are just about as close as you can get to the enemy, without actually being the enemy. I don't give a damn what they say… look at the evidence… they're arrogant, selfish, stubborn sons of bitches… and their eyes glow…

The number of missions we've been on for them… three. The number of times that's almost gotten us all killed… three.

Now, I'm all in favor of having some help, but I get the feeling that we won't be getting the crap kicked out of us any less for joining forces with them, quite probably the opposite in fact.

In my experience, the most powerful half of an alliance always ends up with the better deal. What will we get out of this treaty ? Grief… sure as eggs is eggs.

* * * * * * * *

Yep, there you go… grief.

So, Anise… Freya… comes along with another one of her toys. Well, excuse me if I don't jump for joy. I'm not at all sure I want to sit in that thing, reminds me too much of an electric chair.

This is nuts. This can't be happening. Jack and Sam can't be zatarcs. We weren't separated for that long… perhaps long enough, I guess…

And who the hell does that Freya think she is ? Coming on to Jack. Everyone knows that he and Sam are... well... everyone except them knows that they are... well… Not that it matters, even if they did… know… they wouldn't do anything about it, would they ? It's against regulations isn't it ? I trust them not to do anything that would put Teal'c or I in danger, just because of their feelings for each other.

And apparently Anise has the hots for me. Aren't I the lucky one... NOT.

I cannot believe what I'm hearing here. Apparently some more of my people have been turned into homicidal, suicidal maniacs... and I'm not just talking about any old airman here, although that would be bad enough. Two of my best team… Colonel O'Neill, my second in command, a good man… Jack, a friend, almost like a son to me and Major Carter, brilliant scientist, exemplary military record (save a few indiscretions with her team, luckily they have always been with good reason and so overlooked, even her knocking me out - one punch… never put that in my report)… Sam, daughter of one of my best friends… How am I going to tell Jacob about this ? I suppose he might already know, given the heavy Tok'Ra involvement here.

Doctor Jackson is going to badly affected by this. It's not long since we got them back after fearing the worst. I can already see how distracted he is. He put a lot of hard work into this treaty, even though it isn't within the realm of his job description. I have no idea what the President will think when I introduce him. I'm not sure if he will be all that impressed when he discovers that the man who has penned the words for the fate of the world has turned into a gibbering wreck.

Even if we manage to prevent them carrying out their mission, they'll likely destroy themselves and even if they don't do that, we'll have to keep them locked up and sedated until we can work out what to do with them.

It's days like these that the job just doesn't seem worth the effort of getting out of bed.

That stupid machine was more interested in some silly feelings that I'm supposed to have for Carter. Probably would have gotten the same result out of the detector if it had been Teal'c behind that force field, or Ferretti for that matter.

Good job it wasn't Daniel.

It obviously wasn't all that clever if it couldn't work out that I had a big, big secret plan on the go over him.

Just as well… I wouldn't have wanted to spill the proverbial beans about that… it would have made such a mess.

This is crazy. Stupid machine…

Now everyone's going to be asking what it was that the Colonel and I were holding back from our interrogation and they're all going to be making up their own sordid little conclusions.

It's not fair.

Of course I didn't want the Colonel to stay behind just to try to save me, I wouldn't have wanted Daniel or Teal'c to either. That doesn't mean I love him. I mean, I do… love him… and I think he feels the same, but it's not like we're gonna do anything about it… especially now.

I love Daniel too, but in a sisterly way. He's too nice for me. God, that sounds strange… but it's true, you just have to look at the kind of guys I go for… take Jonas Hansen for example. He wasn't nearly the nutcase he turned out to be when I was with him, but he showed the signs… why do you think I left him ? Then there's the Colonel of course, a little rough round the edges, dark secrets in his past, real fly boy, thinks he's sooo funny, pretends not to notice you… yep, much more my type.

Daniel's the kind of guy your Dad would choose for you… why do you think Kasuf chose to give Sha'uri to him ? The Colonel should have been the one to receive the gift; he was the leader. Daniel always says he was chosen because he was wearing Catherine's pendant… but I think if he thought about it long enough he'd realize that the leader would still have been the proper choice, not any subordinate who happens to have the symbol for Ra round his neck, he could just have been the messenger boy and everyone knows what happens to them... oh, and it did, didn't it ?

Kasuf is a wise man, I believe he knew what sort of man the Colonel was then and didn't want that for his daughter and he also saw Daniel for what he was and knew that he was the better choice.

The Colonel has changed; he's told me so himself. He also told me the reason why he changed… and that's another reason why I know Daniel is too nice for me.

Thank God.

I don't know what it was that caused the machine to read their answers incorrectly, everyone has been decidedly tight-lipped about it. Still, I don't care if they never tell me what it was that they were keeping back. I'm just so relieved that it wasn't them.

Seeing them sedated, indefinitely, would have been unbearable.

Kind of a shame about Martouf though. I'd spent a lot of time with him recently, working on the treaty agreement, got to know him pretty well, him and Lantash. Lantash is harder, quite unforgiving; he and Martouf argued a lot about how close the Tok'Ra should let us get to them.

Martouf cared a lot about Sam and not just because she was host to Jolinar for a few days.

Poor Sam, she's gonna need some time to get over him. Although most of the memories and feelings she has about him are not actually hers, it must be pretty difficult to differentiate between which are hers and which are Jolinar's. I don't know how she copes with it.

Window of Opportunity

No consequences ?

When… and I mean when… we get things back to normal, I am going to have a serious chat with Daniel… He has such an angelic face, butter wouldn't melt and all that, who would have thought he had a devious streak, like that ?

No consequences ? Now, why didn't I think of that ? See ? You'd expect it of me…

He's a sly dog. I felt kinda bad, letting him get knocked over by Siler, day after day… well, same day after same day. Though with the revelation of this new side to him, perhaps I won't direct quite so much of my sympathy toward him.

No consequences ? Wonder what he would have done in my situation ?

Hey, this is my best pot yet. I'm getting pretty good at this. Perhaps I could make a living at it if I ever retire… again. Oooh, I've just had a really mean idea…

No consequences ? Great, now I'm repeating myself…

Ah, Daniel's books… there must be at least one here with some decent pictures… Oh, yes. With my newly found talent, I should be able to produce a replica of this quite easily. It's small enough to fit in my pack. Then, when we're on some planet when the culture is derived, oh say, from Rome, I'll sneak my little pot in somewhere and sit back and watch Daniel have a major breakdown over how a Greek… what is it ? Ah, a perfume bottle… managed to get there and what it could possibly mean… Oh, yes.

No consequences ? What time is it ? Only ten minutes to go before we loop… time to write out my retirement letter…

This will be a great opportunity for me… and Sam… to find out what our feelings for each other really are…

No consequences ? Thank you, Daniel.

Jack has got a really strange expression on his face, a bit like the cat that got the cream. I can tell he's never gonna let on what that's all about.

It seems hard to believe that I've lost months… no one knows quiet how long… of my life. Especially as I 'lived' every single one of those days, although more or less the 'same' day over and over again. That's just plain weird.

Jack probably thinks that I can't imagine what it must feel like to live the same day over and over... I can, sort of.

Each day I relive the death of my wife, each day I relive the first time I met her, the first time I lost her. Each day, I relive the death of my parents... it's become a sort of ritual. Each day, I get up and my first thoughts are those… each and every day. It may only take seconds, as a memory, but the visions are real, the feelings the same as if I were actually living them again.

At first it was residual images from the nightmare that plagued me... every night. Then it became the only way to remember their faces… to remember Mom's fair hair and gentle smile… to remember Dad's dark eyes and tanned skin… but I couldn't see their faces, without seeing that defining moment as well… and that's the way it became for each and every significant event in my life.

It's frustrating, knowing that you'll never be able to do anything about what's happened in the past and equally frustrating to know that whether you get out of the current situation, or not, is down to you.

I've been there before too. I know what that feels like. When we went to Abydos the first time it was purely on the basis that I was certain that I could decipher the 'gate symbols on the other side and get the team back home.

It was all a big adventure… aliens had left the means for travelling across the universe on Earth… in Egypt no less, would it be the proof I needed to redeem myself in the academic world ?

I had nothing to lose. I simply saw an opportunity to get away… from everything… and maybe justify all those years spent in the wilderness formulating my theory about the pyramids being landing sites for alien craft… so I grabbed at it.

Then I discovered that there were no immediate clues there for me to do that, I felt bad about myself. I had condemned those men to a life away from their homes and families, just because I had no home and no family… nothing… to get back to.

Wonder who's been looking through my books, this one's in the wrong place. I know Jack thinks my office is cluttered, but one thing it is not is unorganized. Everything has it's place… until I have to move it to fit something else in, of course… but still, I know exactly where to lay my hands on whatever it is I need and this book on Grecian pottery does not belong there.

Maybe Jack, or Teal'c moved it. It's possible… they said they spent a lot of time in my office working on the translation. I'll ask them. Better still, I'll ask them in Latin, see just how much sank in…

Hang on… why is the top drawer of my desk full of golf balls ?

Watergate

I don't know when it happened, I don't know how it happened, but I would like to know why I am now desensitized to death.

I'm walking through these dark corridors and it's just like 'oh, there's another one', another dead body, another person who used to have a life, loves, hopes, dreams...

I've seen enough death, more than enough... perhaps that's the problem... I don't think anyone realized that I was watching when my parents were brought out of the temple reconstruction that had just crushed them. The rescuers had more things on their mind than whether little boys were looking at what they were doing. Those were the first dead bodies I had seen... freshly dead ones, anyway… ones not wrapped in mummification bandages, not yet petrified, not yet devoid of life.

Have I acquired a soldier's mentality ? Do Jack, Sam or Teal'c regard death in the same way ? I suppose it is the only way to deal with the realities of war. Are we at war ? A war no one else knows about except the SGC and a handful of politicians privileged enough to be let in on the secret of the Stargate.

I never thought I would reserve sorrow over someone's death just for people close to me. Life, any life is precious...

* * * * * * * *

I apologised to Svetlana for my remarks. She looked at me with the same contempt she gave Jack. I told her that maybe I've been hanging around Jack O'Neill too much... not recently though... see ? I'm here and he's back there...

The First Ones

The first words of Rothman's that register are that Daniel has been taken and I immediately think that I've failed and the NID have gotten to him after all.

Then he starts describing what dragged Daniel off and I realize, with some kind of absurd relief that he's talking about an Unas.

When it hits me how bad this situation is, I can't think which scenario is worse… I mean the NID would have pulped him and handed him back to me on a platter… the Unas will pulp him and no doubt have him to himself on a platter. Either way the kid is pulped… at best not too badly pulped… at worst eaten.

At least the Unas wouldn't have been acting out of spite, just hunger, presumably… a basic enough instinct and I couldn't be responsible for that… Can't fool yourself with that one, O'Neill, of course it's your fault… you let SG-11 have him… take him off on a three week field trip, where he could dig and scrape and brush and analyze and theorize to his heart's content.

Just another one of my bright ideas to keep him from being around me too much, where he might get hurt.

Damn good thinking, huh ?

Keep your head down; don't antagonize it.

You know this is rather funny… part of me says, 'Hey, this is fun, this is anthropology at its best,' I'm really, really getting to know about another culture… er… species, while the rest of me is saying, 'Are you nuts ? You're going to be dinner for this creature, there's no way you can fight him, why aren't you freaked ?'

I am so glad that I still have an answer to that one… I'm not frightened of not being able to overpower it… well, not much… because I don't intend to fight it. There is another way. I'm sure of it. I have to be, or I really am screwed.

Poor Daniel, how are we going to tell him about Rothman ? They were good friends. Why did it have to be him ? Not that I would have wanted it to be any one of us of course, but Rothman… another person dead that was special to Daniel. It's so unfair…

That's assuming we're going to find Daniel. We are… we are… if I keep saying it I might just believe it. We are going to find him… please, please, please let us find him and what's more find him alive…

Oh God, please.

Jack's gonna kill me… if I ever get out of this, that is…

I just passed up on the opportunity to kill the beast that kidnapped me… that likely wants to kill me in some tribal 'rite of passage' ceremony.

It seemed wrong. He was asleep… defenceless… I couldn't do that. Besides, I'm sure we have communicated and maybe reached a somewhat bizarre understanding of each other. He isn't simply a beast anymore…

Jack'll still kill me though. That show of mercy probably ranks alongside reaching out into alien water of unknown intention; believing what love-struck princesses tell you; allowing aquatic aliens to probe your mind and touching things in general in his Daniel Jackson list of just plain stupid things to do…

Well, this is it I guess… the moment we've all been waiting for…

Looks like I was intended as a gift to what I am presuming is the chief Unas, but I think Chaka is trying to tell him that it would be better for them if they didn't sacrifice me. Wow, I didn't think I'd got through to him that much.

What's that ? Jack ? Sam ? Teal'c ? Boy, am I glad to see you guys…

No.

"Don't shoot !"

Is he ever gonna recognise danger ?

'Don't shoot,' he says. Would someone please remind me why I bothered to come after him ? Would someone remind him ? There's not much point in leading a search and rescue party if the one you've searched for doesn't see the need to be rescued…

Okay, I'll buy it, but if that big sucker takes one more step toward you then…

Sorry, Daniel, I tried to do it your way, but I wasn't about to watch him rip your head off. I might do it myself later, or at least try to pound a bit of common sense into it.

You've communicated ? You're friends ? Geez, with friends like that who needs enemies ?

How does he manage it ? I used to think I was a good judge of people, boy was I ever wrong about him. Dweeb ? He may have looked like one, when he had all that hair. He may have acted like one, clumsy, sneezing all the time, head so far buried in his books he never saw where he was going… but he's more intelligent, more resourceful, more courageous than most of the men I've served with and the funny thing is… he doesn't know it.

It's great to see you alive, buddy.

One day, soon I hope, I'll let you know just how great…

Scorched Earth

Oh God, Daniel. I don't want to be the one to have caused your death.

I have to follow orders, whether I believe it right or wrong. I've voiced my objections to the Colonel's plan, but that's all I can legally do without risking court martial.

Daniel doesn't want either side to lose, but the Colonel is really only concerned about the Enkarans because he feels responsible for them. That and the fact that he can see them, touch them; to him they are real life while the Gadmeer are no more than entities in a test tube awaiting the right environment.

I can sympathise with them both.

It took a long time and a lot of research to find this planet, with just about the right conditions for these people. We spent two weeks getting them resettled, provided them with a power source, building materials, tools and other necessities to get them started on their new world. Looking at it clinically, we've expended a lot of resources on them… but more than that… we're involved with the Enkarans, deeply involved... personally.

When Hedresar announced that her grandchild was to be named after O'Neill, I could see him glowing with pride. I know he tried to shrug it off, but I saw it. He was so pleased that we'd been able to do some more good out there… proved ourselves to be caring people. After what happened on Euronda, I think he needed that.

Daniel saw the other side that time too.

There is a growing rift between him and the Colonel, and it frightens me. One of these days we might not be able to recover the team spirit we always had, right from the start. More and more often, we are splitting up on missions and more often than he used to the Colonel is letting Daniel go off with other teams on extended missions.

It's like he's deliberately putting more distance between them. Maybe he's just as worried as to what will happen if their differences become irreconcilable and thinks that if Daniel and he aren't together as much, it's less likely to happen.

Okay, see ? Now here's what I don't get… Three weeks ago, I had to come rescue you from the clutches of a big bad monster and his family and today, here you are throwing your life away because you believe every creature has a right to life.

I do believe that too, you know… but the way I see it, the Enkarans were actually alive and the Gadmeer were just a set of test tubes on a ship… no comparison.

You knew the choice I'd have to make… 'the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the one' and all that Spock crap… you had accepted it.

Do you have any idea what you put me through ?

You've got the audacity to be happy. The Enkarans can live happily ever after, the Gadmeer can live happily ever after, even the bloody artificially produced Lotan can live happily ever after. Way to go, Daniel. You saved the day again. Followed my orders… got me on a technicality… gave me another option. Did you have to wait until the last f***ing minute to do it ?

Damn you, Daniel Jackson.

Today, I look at you and all the distance I've put between us lately in the hope of keeping you safe is a very corporeal thing. If I succeed in preventing those NID goons from kicking the crap out of you, I might just do it myself.

You make it so hard to care about you sometimes. One part of me says why should you worry about him ? He doesn't care about himself… but you do, don't you ? Not the tangible part of you, but your soul, your conscience. You just couldn't live with yourself if you hadn't tried all the possibilities… found a way… like you did with that Unas.

I know now what you were thinking when I ordered you to blow up that sub. I'm sorry…

So, you keep on looking out for that part of you that makes you so special and I'll concentrate on the rest, okay ?

I had to do this. To get back some of what I've lost. I don't want to think that one kind of life is worth more than another. I don't want to think that my life is worth more than another.

I didn't like myself very much when I destroyed that tank full of Goa'uld larvae. It was revenge, pure and simple. No matter what justification I may have given Sam at the time, I wasn't really thinking of all the human lives I could save by not letting those symbiotes take them as hosts, no, I was only thinking of the one... two... that had already been taken... from me.

Today is a good day, despite the look Jack is giving me. Whoa, I kinda wish this uniform was made of asbestos, that is one incinerating glare. Still, I can live with that. I'm sorry I scared you half to death… well, probably more than that… but I couldn't not try and do something.

Don't hate me for that, Jack, please. I can't change who I am. I hope you'll understand… eventually.

I don't do these things to get one up on you. I would never do that. It's just that you have constraints built into you by the military and by what you've had to do in the past. I don't have those. I've always known my brain works differently to most other people. Yes, Jack, I hear you, 'Normal people'. It allows me to explore options that wouldn't occur to many, at least not quickly enough… and we were really up against the wall this time, weren't we ?

Our principles are the same, though. I couldn't work with you if they weren't.

There was a time, not so long ago, that you would have shown how glad you were that I'd survived. Perhaps it's become expected that even if I'm dead, I shouldn't be buried. Is that it ? God, I hope not.

I know I complained bitterly at the time, given the amount of grief I got from every single airman that passed me for months afterwards, but I'd give anything for you to call me 'Space Monkey' again… even though I still don't know what it means…

Beneath the Surface

This is good; this is nice.

And now I know I can't have fully regained control of my mind from Jonas. 'Good' and 'nice' are two words that I would not use to describe the infirmary… but it smells so clean and fresh, if you can ignore the disinfectant.

Fraiser finished with me a while ago, but for once I'm gonna follow orders and get some rest… my muscles feel like I've been doing hard labor for weeks… oh, I was.

She's over with Daniel now. Sam's been asleep for the past hour and Teal'c went back to his room to do his Kel'no'reem thing… I could use a bit of that just now.

Wow, that's some bruise. A few days old, by the look of it, fading and yellowish, it shows that someone beat the crap out Daniel when we were on that planet.

Oh no, I've just remembered… that was me.

I beat the crap out of Daniel. Well, how was I to know it was Daniel ?

At the time I thought he was Carlin. At the time I thought I was Jonas. So, technically you could say I didn't do it.

Mind you, it's not like I've never wanted to beat the crap out of Daniel… but I wouldn't do it… really.

I'm not even sure if our fight was to do with who we were at the time and the situation we were in, or whether just beneath the surface there is some residual crap between us that will seek any opportunity to find an outlet. Then again it could be that whoever's thoughts I happen to be in, I'm capable of some pretty mean stuff.

Point of No Return

So, Martin was telling the truth.

I know the kind of thing he was going through.

Part of me has always felt like I don't belong on this planet. For a long time there was nothing here to make me want to stay. Why do you think I was so happy at the prospect of escaping to Abydos ? Being able to stay there was an added bonus and Sha'uri was a gift - in every sense of the word.

I also knew about how he would have felt when no one would believe his story. Who would really fall for that ? None of my colleagues could accept the possibility of aliens living on the planet at any time either. They were scientists, supposedly able to explore beyond the bounds of the norm. Ha.

Great, just what I need another dweeb talking about aliens walking the earth. I must be getting real soft in my old age; geeks are getting under my skin left right and centre. What makes them so goddamn likeable ?

How many more aliens are there gonna be here anyway ? Seth, Martin, his chums...

Oh, well, as long as there are no more Goa'uld lurking I'll be relatively happy.

Seems like this facility is becoming more like a refugee relocation agency. The Tollans, the Nassians, Cassandra, Teal'c and his family have all passed through here and now Martin and his crew.

I suppose you could even say that Daniel Jackson is a kind of refugee. The first time I saw him here he certainly looked like one. Although, of course he is originally from this planet, I am sure his heart lies on Abydos… particularly now that his wife is buried there.

Tangent

Jack's been spending a lot of time with Teal'c just lately. I saw them pouring over some plans the other day. Jack shoved them in a drawer when he noticed me standing by the door. Guess I'll find out sometime what they're up to, if it ever comes within my 'need to know'.

* * * * * * * *

Oh, this is nice…

I wish someone would tell me why we're standing in the middle of an airstrip, freezing our butts off. I had work to do, you know.

Whoa !

So, this is what they've been doing…

Now, I know that I'm not normally overwhelmed by Air Force stuff, but that is cool.

Jack wanted it to be a surprise. It certainly was, but all the subterfuge was a bit disconcerting… all the whispered conversations, mysteriously unanswered doors even when I knew they were inside, missed lunches… Too much like being back at school.

Funny though, I thought he hated surprises…

* * * * * * * *

Thank God.

If anyone could have pulled off a rescue, it was those too. Sheer determination alone should have made sure they would get their friends back.

If Jacob hadn't been the Tok'Ra on that planet, I can imagine I'd be doing some rather fancy talking about now as to the whereabouts of a stolen vessel. As it is, we'll probably have quite a bit of explaining to do, but it's about time they did something for us. This Alliance that we're supposed to have, seems all too one-sided if you ask me.

* * * * * * * *

"Thanks for stopping by." That was good wasn't it ? Well, it was Jacob's ship… and he didn't have to blow his mission to come and help us. I didn't even look at Daniel, just let him fuss over me, help me to the bunk. I mumbled a quick, "Thanks," before closing my eyes and feigning sleep.

I can't believe they did this. Well, actually, I can believe it… they just shouldn't have done it and Hammond shouldn't have let them. What was he thinking ? Allowing Carter and Daniel to 'gate to a Goa'uld planet with some unbelievably bad plan to rescue me and Teal'c… Mighty glad they did though. Should tell them how grateful I am, but I'll wait until my head feels a bit clearer.

Here I am trying to keep him from harm and Hammond goes and lets him go off on a potential suicide mission. I thought it was only me that did stuff like that... and Carter should have known better.

Daniel keeps staring at me as if he can't trust his eyes that I'm here. Guess I did it to him again. Well, it's not as if he's never given me cause to think I wouldn't see him alive anymore… At least he wasn't alone this time. Carter would have seen him through it. Why is he still thinking that way about me anyway ? Like he's my friend and that makes him responsible for trying to save my sorry ass. I've been a complete and utter bastard to him for the best part of three months now. We've hardly got together when we've not been on a mission… and when we've been off-world, I've been ignoring him, or making his life three kinds of Hell.

I am very proud of my daughter. She's an independent woman and has made her way in a very male dominated environment. Sometimes, though she lets her heart rule her head and Daniel's the same. Those two are very lucky it was me on this mission, some of the other Tok'Ra might not have been so willing to abandon their task, alliance or no.

I know Sam has feelings for O'Neill, inappropriate feelings, given their work, a father can sense these things. He'd better not let her ruin her career, or he'll have me to answer to.

The Colonel has hardly even acknowledged Daniel. I think he's angry at him for being here… and maybe a little mad at me too. Dad told him what we did.

It's not as if he wouldn't have done the same for any of us…

I am grateful to Major Carter and Daniel Jackson for their resourcefulness and courage in procuring a means to rescue O'Neill and myself.

O'Neill's actions are troubling me. He has not thanked Daniel Jackson for the part he played… not that Daniel Jackson did it to be thanked.

There is a great distance between my two friends these days. The circumstances we have found ourselves in lately are conspiring to push them apart.

It is to my shame that I also feel partly responsible. O'Neill and I have been working more and more together, particularly on the death glider project. We have put up barriers in the name of secrecy, which I think have hurt our young friend.

I am to return to Chulak in a few days, I hope that in my time away O'Neill will rediscover the warmth of the friendship he had previously enjoyed with Daniel Jackson. That would be a good thing to come home to.

Serpent's Venom

I'm proud of my kids today. Carter and Daniel worked well together to solve the problem with the instructions for the mine.

It's actually been a long time since we had to work on something as a team.

Lately, we seem to be working against each other, maybe not deliberately, but just not approaching things from the same perspective. It's been worrying.

I know I've been enforcing the distance between Daniel and me, but I never realized how deeply the team as a whole would be affected by it.

With Teal'c away, I thought I might try and hang out a little bit more in Daniel's office, like I used to… mostly when I was waiting for him to finish something before going to lunch.

Didn't get the chance to though… Daniel went off to see some fascinating inscriptions that SG-5 had found on a wall somewhere and he'd only been back a day when Jacob turned up.

I was not surprised when Jacob revealed that Daniel was the reason why the Tok'Ra came to us for help with this mission. Apparently, they've finally recognized how smart he is and thought he'd be able to translate that manual. Like there's any doubt about it ?

That Daniel's a smart kid, just like my Sam. He would have made a good son...

It was the look on his face that I noticed when we worked together to eliminate Seth, that was the deciding factor on whether to seek reconciliation with Mark. When I hugged Sam, that look told me what Mark had been missing out on for too long. He had lost one parent; it wasn't his fault that he lost me too.

I should have realized his rebelliousness was as much to do with the grief for his mother's death as much as his blaming me for it. Daniel's expression was so different to any of the others around us. O'Neill's was one of warm amusement, George's was one of understanding, Teal'c's was his normal impassiveness, but Daniel's was one of such longing at what Sam and I shared, that it penetrated my hardened exterior deeper than any of Selmak's wise words ever could.

Sam told me about Nick, said Daniel had a grin on his face for a whole week, just because the old man had said how proud he was of him. I don't suppose that's happened very often… if at all… from anyone. That's a shame. The appendix attack wiped the smile away, and he's been back to his familiar haunted look ever since. Events always seem to conspire against that young man's happiness.

I've never been the sentimental type, it's a necessity of the job, you have to put a lot of the 'feelings' stuff aside, the further up the chain of command you get, otherwise you'd be smothered by the consequences of what you have to tell your subordinates to do. These days, particularly when we never know what is going to bite our asses out there, I make sure Sam knows how proud I am of her and how much she reminds me of her mother and how much I love her and the same goes for Mark. Then at least if the worst ever does happen… and it's bound too, as it is more than inevitable that I will outlive my children, barring fatal accidents... I'll have no regrets at what I should have done.

Maybe I should give Daniel a little praise sometime too, heartfelt, not just, 'Thanks for coming up with the goods... again, kid,' and maybe I'll get to see one of those all too rare smiles. That would do my soul some good. Selmak agrees.

You know… sometimes… I wish my thoughts were entirely private.

The Curse

Is that who I think it is, lurking by the trees ? Daniel, you've got a nerve turning up here... now. Professor Jordan would have given anything to see you again.

Well, you're too late.

The worst part is of course, that it looks like you were right. The test results came back from the lab just before... So, he knew before he died, that you were right, that you needn't have left.

He didn't want you to go. Sarah or me ? I'm not sure if he'd have noticed…

You were the one he wanted.

You were the one she wanted.

If you expect me to be civil with you now, Doctor Daniel Jackson, then you can think again. Second best Steven bears grudges…

And I let him go again. I mean he couldn’t get into much trouble at a funeral, right ? Wrong.

Another damned Goa'uld had been in exile on Earth. Two, actually… at least one of them died before it could do any damage.

If I hadn't been so busy… fishing… really fishing, I could have got off my butt to help. Did I listen to Daniel when he called for Teal'c's help with a translation ? No. I should have realized it meant trouble. Why didn't I ask what he was doing with Goa'uld translations when he should have been catching up on old times with his college buddies ? Why ? Because it didn't occur to me, that's why. This whole 'let’s ignore Daniel' thing has become so much like second nature, that I'm beginning to miss the danger signs.

So, Daniel loses another love… ex-love… to the Goa'uld and gets himself a little downtime in the infirmary while the effects of the ribbon device wear off, because contrary to what he believes, he is not used to those things…

And funerals become number three on my ever-growing list of places you do not let your archaeologist go to, especially on their own… right under number two, planets with big smelly monsters and number one, (the ever popular) worlds with resident damsels in distress. No, make that… worlds with damsels… period.

Am I cursed or something ? Who will it be next ? Who else will fall in the wake of knowing Daniel Jackson ? How many more losses can I endure ? I should be used to this by now. Let's see…

My parents... The first to be taken from me. It hurt for a long, long time… still does… only now there's so many others to share my grief out amongst that I hardly notice where the pain of one loss ends and another begins.

My wife… I wasn't hers by her choice but by her father's. When I first found out that I had been married without any contribution to the process, I was shocked. It smacked to me of slavery, Sha'uri's will had been overlooked… mine too for that matter… I soon discovered that I didn't care how she had come into my life, I wanted her there, by my side, forever. I made sure she knew she had not only my love, but my respect as well… made it clear she did not belong to me, as one would own a pot or a mastage. Sha'uri was a free spirit with an intelligence that shone as brightly as her eyes and she didn't need qualifications to prove she was smart. I found it hard to accept how quickly she made up her mind that she wanted me too, by her side, forever. It wasn't to be.

My son… Gone, not dead… but not with me. Yes, I know technically… biologically… he's not my son. It's how I think of him though. If Sha'uri had survived and by some miracle I'd freed her from Amaunet, we could have raised him together. I would never have held who his father was against him. He was all I had left of her. Oma Desala knew he wouldn't be safe with me. I have to agree with her. Not just because of my track record with holding on to those I hold dear, but there was the Goa'uld threat and he would no doubt also have been persecuted by the powers that be on Earth too, if word had got out about the knowledge he is supposedly retains.

My grandfather… Okay, so Nick's not dead either, but he's on the other side of the galaxy, which is pretty much as far as he can possibly get away from me. Who can blame him ?

My friend… Robert Rothman was a good man, a good friend. I'm not sure how many people round here would understand why I say that. He was not a 'people' guy. I'm not sure I would have said I was… oh, anthropologically speaking, of course I can understand cultures and what makes people behave in certain ways, but actually interacting on a day to day basis is something I've had to learn. Fitting in as part of a team was really hard at first. I never made friends that easily when I was young… moving from 'home' to 'home' didn't help much, I barely got to know the names of the other kids I was there with, before moving on again… that's how it felt anyway. I don't think Robert ever managed to fit in here. Jack would certainly say that he didn't. Although at the moment, I don't think Jack would say that I do either. We used to have a kind of understanding… agree to disagree, as it were. We don't seem capable of that these days. We're as far apart now as we were on that first mission, maybe more so, because then we had no need to understand each other, we had not been friends.

My professor… I respected Doctor Jordan as I would have respected my father. He inspired me, encouraged me to find my own way, cut my own path. I don't think he realized that his words would lead me to detach myself from him. My theory was so totally radical… my way, my path… so far off the beaten track, I could never find my way back.

My ex-lover… Sarah liked to believe she was an independent woman. She liked her qualifications. She liked mine better… When we broke up, I left to make sure my off-beat thinking wouldn't reflect on her, or Steven or Doctor Jordan. I hurt her, not because she was head over heels in love with me, but because she had thought that together we could have cut a path through the archaeological world, something she couldn't have done on her own. My theories were exciting to her, I don't think for one minute she thought I was right, but she wanted a fun ride. I saved her from that ride, which was anything but fun, believe me. I saved her from ruining her career. I wish I could have saved her…

Daniel's still looks fragile. He's been in the infirmary for the two days that we've been back at the SGC. He said he didn't feel too bad after we saw Osiris leave. I know he wanted me to concentrate on his friend, but I didn't even get a chance to look at Daniel until we were back at the hotel and it wasn't good. Even if he thinks he's getting used to the effects of that ribbon device, his body hasn't caught up with that yet… I thought he would perk up when Colonel O'Neill and Teal'c got back last evening, but he's just lying there.

He hasn't really spoken to anyone… left the debriefing to Sam and me… I presume he's thinking about what happened. Lord alone knows how many losses he's already endured, how much more can he take ?

I dare not suggest he have some time with Doctor MacKenzie. He'll deal with it in his own way, no doubt.

Chain Reaction

Jack's done it now… mouthed off at General Bauer and gotten himself suspended from duty… just the kind of behaviour I've been trying to avoid him taking on my behalf.

As if things weren't bad enough with General Hammond gone…

I'd like to think that we'd reached an understanding in our relationship… that he trusted my judgement and hopefully valued my friendship.

Now, my job, interesting though it is… safe… well, safer as it is… is just not the same. Stuck in my office, alone, no team. I barely see Sam, she's got her own work which does not overlap mine in any way… a purely military task; Teal'c is with SG3, off-world most of the time and Jack is suspended, likely to retire… again, if things don't get any better.

Where does that leave me ?

Damn that man. Kinsey is such an asshole. Who the hell voted for him anyway ?

There was something entirely sinister in his tone when he spouted all that guff about seeing Daniel off the program permanently.

I swear I saw him wink at me as he said that… God, he's in on it...

Danny didn't exactly endear himself to Kinsey when they last met. But it was good that at least someone had the guts to call him a fool to his face. Trouble is when Daniel shows he's got guts he usually ends up getting kicked in them.

Tessa gave me the note when I went to see Hammond. She had been given it on the little impromptu ride in the black limo… was told not to tell grandpa about it. They obviously knew I'd go to him to get him to try to change his mind.

There were only a few words on the note, but it was enough to say that the original threat against my team still stood, they were just making me sweat by prolonging the time to the strike. Apparently, the Hammond incident was an order from above and took priority over my case. It was pretty obvious mine wouldn't be sidelined for long.

I wonder if Maybourne has any intel on the scumbags threatening us ? After all, he wouldn't have any reason to be loyal to them now, but, there are bigger things at stake at the moment than even you, Danny boy... the whole Stargate project, General Hammond and his family, I have to put this right first.

That Bauer guy is just a front man… a patsy… as Maybourne so eloquently put it. He's no leader… he's the one being lead… He's not even half the man Hammond is. I could never respect him.

I know Hammond has cut me… us… a lot of slack over the years… what can I say ? He likes me… us. He's put his neck on the line more than once to help either us or our allies. It's no wonder they wanted him out of the picture.

I have to concentrate on getting Hammond back where he belongs.

2010

I guess we'll never know what that note was all about. It must have come from the future to warn us, but how far from ? One year ? Five ? Ten ? I can't imagine that far ahead, for me or for the world…

I wonder if it has worked. Have we saved Earth by locking that planet out of the dialling computer ? What other purpose could that note have had ? If it has worked on that level, have we merely opened ourselves up to an alternative but ultimately just as deadly fate ? Who can tell ?

You've got to wonder…

Absolute Power

Daniel Jackson is a good man. It pains me to be the one who has to show him these things, but someone must. The knowledge of the Goa'uld is too powerful, if I could give it and know that their technology - borrowed or adapted - could be put to good uses, I would gladly impart it. But the knowledge is tainted. Evil. Power... Absolute power, such as it would be to the Tau'ri... corrupts even the most pure hearted... even Daniel Jackson.

I did not know my mother in the true sense. I only have thoughts and images of the host she was to Amaunet. I know Amaunet despised the depth of feeling my mother had for this man. Sha'uri was an intuitive woman. She somehow realized that I would come to know her thoughts, through what is passed on to me in my genetic memory.

She wanted me to know that even though Daniel is not my father, he would love me as a son and because of that I love him too.

He would not have held my heritage against me… he will not hold what I have had to show him against me... but I cannot stay. It is too dangerous, not so much for me, but for him.

He's asleep. That's all… not unconscious… not comatose… just asleep. Perhaps he's catching up on it after a lifetime of enforced insomnia.

Wonder what he's dreaming about... Hope it's something nice for a change.

I've witnessed too many stirrings in his sleep when he's been in my care… which is far too often. Every now and then I offer him the chance to talk about the nightmares that keep him from a decent night's sleep, even a decent drug induced sleep, sometimes. He always refuses. Says he has his own way of dealing with them. Not my problem… Trouble is his way of dealing with them is to not sleep at all. Not my problem ? Well, it is when he's walking around dead on his feet from exhaustion and his body is overdosed on caffeine.

He looks wonderfully peaceful, like this. Must be my mothering instinct…

* * * * * * * *

Until that episode in O'Malley's with the armbands, I would have said I definitely didn't have that kind of thing in me. I'm not sure who I am anymore…

I know what you're thinking, Daniel. That wasn't you. You were under the influence of some pretty mean devices both times. They altered who you were... that's a clinically proven fact.

You would have forgiven Sha'uri for any of the nasty things she would undoubtedly have done when she wasn't in control. You've forgiven Teal'c. You forgave Skaara. You forgave Kyra. You forgave me.

It was a dream, anything can happen in a dream. All it did was show you that the Goa'uld knowledge should not be unleashed on anyone. It's not safe for us to even have it in our hands, let alone those of our enemy. That's all he was showing you, not how you had it in you to be evil. We all have that, you're not any less of a person for it being there, but you are a better person for denying it access into your life, letting it rule your actions.

You chose your path a long time ago. Chose not to wallow in self-pity, chose not to give in to hate, chose not to seek revenge. The very few times that you have taken a wrong turn onto those roads, you have seen how bad the outcome of those momentary diversions can be and have quickly made a U-turn back onto your path before the downward slope could claim your soul.

You know as well as I do that those choices lead to self-destruction and you would never choose to take your own life. Just as you showed me once, that I didn't have to sacrifice mine. Keep following your chosen path, right ? You are a good man, Daniel Jackson. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Daniel's told us a little bit about his 'lesson' from Shifu. I can't imagine him ever being corrupted like that. He hasn't a vengeful bone in his body, well maybe one… I haven't forgotten the look on his face when he killed those Goa'uld larvae. It was only a few months since Sha'uri had been taken and he was still smarting. Tactically, it was the right thing to do, quite military thinking for a civilian. Morally, he knows it was wrong.

I also caught him threatening Apophis when he was captive here and he was positively gloating about Amaunet's death on Naetu, as if it were a completely different entity to his wife. I'm sure that that is the only way he can reconcile his feelings of hatred toward the Goa'uld and the fact that he can find no forgiveness for them is a part of himself that he despises.

The Light

Christ, Danny, don't do this to me.

"Whatever it is, we'll get it back."

We can… you don't understand… I had to do this, to protect you.

Oh god, I hope this isn't because of me. The thing that started this whole mess was down to me. Me telling him that our friendship had no foundation… That look he gave me haunts me still. Like someone had just ripped his heart out and jumped all over it. Well, someone had...me.

The moment he leapt in front of that staff weapon blast, he didn't just save me from Ra; he saved me from myself. I thought, if he, after only spending a few days in my company, a me who, by the way, was a complete and utter asshole, then he must be able to see something left in me worth throwing his own life away to save.

I didn't think there was anything. I'm not sure if Sara saw anything, even if she had I was probably too close to listen to her, but Daniel, a stranger, did and that meant a lot to me.

He's not a geek anymore… well, he is, but not a clueless one… he's my friend and I want him back.

Colonel O'Neill's just been sitting there, on the side of that bed, since he came back from the planet, watching, waiting. With every second that passes without us being able to do anything for Daniel, the tension has been building… the Colonel's sitting there like 180lbs of C4 waiting to...

/crash/

…and there he goes.

I can't blame him. I'm just as frustrated as he is. I got into this profession to save people, not to helplessly watch them die.

When SG-5 all ended up in here, I knew who would be next to cross my threshold. It was inevitable, seeing as he'd been on the mission with them, but it still didn't prepare me for the sight of Colonel O'Neill almost dragging Daniel's very uncooperative body through the infirmary doors. Not that Daniel was actively resisting; it just looked like he'd forgotten how to put one foot in front of the other. I sent the Colonel out of the way while I did my examination and I haven't told him how half way through, Daniel simply collapsed onto the bed… because it worried the hell out of me… and that's were he's stayed.

I didn't have to endure the Colonel's mother hen act for too long before the General sent SG-1 to the planet to see if they could figure out what was happening. Then SG-5 all died, there was nothing I could do except watch them slip away…

I had to meet the Colonel when he returned through the 'gate with the samples… fat lot of good they are… had to tell him that Daniel wasn't getting better. My voice sounded strange to my ears, thick with holding back the tears that threatened to betray my professional countenance. He knew, the expression on his face said it all… he knew that I didn't expect Daniel to get any better… ever.

Now it looks like the Colonel has the symptoms as well and likely Sam and Teal'c do too.

I wish I knew what to do to help them.

* * * * * * * *

Well, at least I know now that he wasn't out on that balcony just because of the way I've been acting lately. Although that probably gave him enough of a reason to be there. No, he wouldn't contemplate suicide, not over anything, anyone.

Daniel never, ever takes the easy way out. I almost did, once…

My thoughts are becoming muddled. I should have told him what was going on. At least then he could have put up some defensive barriers around himself, something more substantial than just those arms he wraps round his chest to shut himself off from the pains of the world.

Janet's just told me that it's happening to me too… so I shouldn't get carried away with this stuff. The withdrawal is just making everything seem at least ten times worse than it is. What could be worse ?

"What's that ?"

Goddammit, no ! Daniel can't die. I haven't had a chance to explain yet. He can't go thinking that I hate him. He can't die like this, without a fight. I managed to keep those bastards from getting to him and did nothing but succeed in letting him think there was nothing left to fight for… I played this so wrong.

Prodigy

This Hamilton guy is everything I can't stand about scientists. He thinks he's right... Now, Daniel's usually right, but at least his attitude is more like… 'Hey, but I might be wrong...' This guy is so... up himself.

I bet Daniel would have figured out straight away that these killer glow worms were intelligent, but he's not here is he ? No, I let him go off again. Thought it would do him good to have a bit of time doing what he loves to do best. There wasn't all that much left to do in that Goa'uld palace, once he had figured out what its purpose was and there certainly wasn't anything of interest outside it and we were stuck there for three weeks.

So, Daniel taught Loran about his ancestry and how to play chess. Carter wrote her speech for the academy lecture and showed Loran how to make paper airplanes. Teal'c came with supplies and went back with our laundry and brought Loran a water gun so that they could have shoot outs; while I showed Loran the finer points of hockey and Loran took images of all of us doing all of those things.

And I thought… about a lot of things…

Mainly about how I felt when Daniel died, right there in front of me. When I lifted him onto my shoulder and there wasn't a sign of life in him… dead weight… literally… Still sends a shiver down my spine. I was just about to launch into CPR, when I heard that first faltering breath… it was a relief, to say the very least.

Actually euphoric might have been a better way to describe what I was feeling then, but some of that was probably due to me being back on the planet too; and getting topped up with whatever it was we were addicted to. Never really did listen to Carter's explanation of what it was.

All I know is I couldn't bear for that to happen again. Not just to Daniel… if any of my team… my family… dies like that… right under my nose, I shall seriously lose it.

So, here I am about to make a run for the 'gate while still suffering the effects of a zat blast, to get these people out of here. The things I do…

Do Jaffa know how to count ? Should've asked Teal'c first…

Sam's told me all about Jennifer. I know how she must have been feeling… stuck in an institution that gives no credit for intelligence or intuition, where you only get by if you play by the rules… their rules.

I suppose you could say that there's a bit of a rebel in me. You don't get to make some of the theories I've come up with by playing by the rules. I had an assignment in high school once... according to their usual rules, I wasn't even supposed to be in that grade given my age, but they could see that unless they did something with me I'd be just another one on their truancy statistics and they couldn't afford that. So, they bent the rules and I went to classes that were

supposed to be more challenging... anyway, I can't even remember what the assignment was supposed to be now, but I do remember that I was given a D for it. Now, I had done the assignment... answered the questions that were set out in it. However, I don't think Mr Webber appreciated the fact that I had written it in French… and not only that but in German, Spanish, Dutch, Latin, Ancient Greek and very carefully transcribed into Hieroglyphics… which took hours, by the way… as well. Though I suppose, seeing as it was an English assignment, was understandable. I didn't really care about the grade. I had more than enough As for my average to not be unduly dented by it. Even my pride wasn't hurt. It was just a lot more fun to do it that way.

I saw him once when he came to the college I was at for a seminar. He said how sorry he was that he'd had to do it, but I had flouted his authority and besides which, until he'd shown it to several colleagues, who translated the modern languages and one who'd had a fair stab at the Latin and Greek, he had no idea that what I had written made any sense at all, let alone would have gotten me yet another A, had it actually been in English. I think I said something along the lines of it being no big deal and that just for his information, the glpyphs were right too. I suppose that was a bit mean. Anyway, you see my point and although 'Rules were made to be broken' isn't an adage I'd run my life by, sometimes you just have to. Otherwise everyone would be the same.

Entity

Oh God, Sam.

I'm gonna kill you, Daniel. This is all your fault. Except I won't, 'cause it's not, is it ?

Your way just didn't work this time, did it ? Had to happen sooner or later, I guess, but it wasn't your life on the line for a change. It didn't choose you. You, who would have been the perfect choice… you wanted to communicate with it...

The entity, or whatever it is, chose her, because of the way I feel about her.

How come everyone thinks they know how I feel about Carter ?

Of course I love her, who wouldn't ? She's beautiful, intelligent, fit… but very, very independent. To have a relationship would mean one or other of us leaving the team and I am not about to do that… she is not about to do that.

Someday maybe.

She's not dead yet, she can't go yet...

Hell, if Daniel can come back from the dead all those times, surely Sam can manage it just this once… please.

You can't go without knowing how I feel, Sam. Yeah, I know you know, but you've never actually heard me say it. You probably won't either. If you go now then I'll never get the chance. If, by some miracle, you find your way back to us, I doubt if I'll do it… it'll never be the right time, for either of us… I just want you here so that I'd know I could if I wanted to…

Oh God, Sam.

I'm so sorry. This is all my fault. Why didn't it chose me to communicate with ?

I wanted to and it knows what I do here, that's my job... the only reason I'm here.

Jack hates me. Teal'c hates me. Janet's too concerned and busy trying to do something for Sam to figure out that she hates me too... but she will. I daren't go near General Hammond and heaven help me if Jacob turns up...

She's not dead yet, she can't be…

I'm sure she's still with us. I can feel it. She's in there somewhere… I just have to find her.

I have to find you, Sam. You've got so much to live for. Come on, where are you ? Call me, I'll hear…

I have to find Sam. Where would we be without her ? The SGC needs you, your intelligence, your dedication, your spirit…

I have to find Sam, for me, the sister I never had. I love you more than you'll ever know...

I have to find Sam, for Jack, the sparks that fly between you whenever you're close. Those alternate realities can't be wrong. He'll be lost without you…

I have to find you…

You're here !

Double Jeopardy

It's a good job Daniel isn't here. I don’t know how he'd take the fact that his double has just been executed as Cronos's revenge for our part in the Asgard treaty. He's the kind of guy who wouldn't want anyone to take the fall for something he did, even if they shouldn't have been there in the first place.

Damn that other O'Neill. Hammond called it right. I suppose he really is a chip off the old block, so to speak.

Was this just the kind of mission they were looking for ? One where they wouldn't make it out alive ? We aren't supposed to live forever. While part of me wonders at the sense in a world that allows parents to outlive their children, I know for sure that I wouldn't want to be in a life without end. He wouldn't have either… he is me, after all.

Harlan wants his team back. It's the way I too often feel myself, even though I have many other people to care about, at work and at home. Seems this odd group of people just has a way of getting under your skin, be it real or synthetic...

I saw the grief in his eyes when his O'Neill told him that his Daniel was dead. It's the look I could feel on my own face when that happened here, just a few weeks ago. At least the look on my face only lasted a few minutes, until we had word back from Jack that Daniel had revived shortly after arriving back on the planet. Then my expression was relief and joy all in one. Somehow, I don't think I will see that on Harlan's face... ever.

* * * * * * * *

Woo hoo ! Double that, add some frosting... We've got a mother ship. Yep, still sounds good, even after saying it a hundred times… or more.

Hammond couldn't believe it when I told him. You'd have thought all his Christmas's had come at once.

Poor Harlan, he went back to PX3 989 this morning, so sad. I had hoped we could salvage enough of at least one of them to take back with him, but there wasn't that much left.

I sort of expected him to ask if we would go back with him to recreate ourselves. When the question seemed to cross his mind, he saw the look on the Colonel's face and thought better of it. Even if the Colonel had agreed, General Hammond would never have allowed it. Any new clones would likely be as great a security risk as the others turned out to be.

I keep wondering what my clone has been through the last few years. What she's seen and done that differs from my life. Has she been able to proceed with her feelings toward her Colonel, I mean she's me, right ? So, she must have them… They're not in the military, with none of the restrictions we have… and she hasn't got a career as such, so she could do what I cannot. Maybe out of respect for their Daniel and Teal'c they still try to deny their attraction.

I don't envy her being forced to witness her Daniel's execution. I'm sure she would have felt as deeply for him as I do for ours. Did that Daniel still have the hope of finding his wife, or had he found out that she was dead ? I hate looking into Daniel's eyes these days and seeing emptiness where that hope used to be, where that love still is, albeit tainted with the knowledge that that love will never be alive again.

He's been getting more and more distant from us. The Colonel and the General keep letting him go on missions with other teams. Daniel used to have to nag the Colonel constantly… for days sometimes… before he'd be let out to study something that someone else had discovered. It's not been the same. The Colonel really lost it when Daniel...well, died... again... with that light business, but apart from that he's seemed so... mad at him. I wish I knew what's going on with the two of them.

I missed all the action… again. Apparently my clone was executed in front of the others. Well, Cronos did warn us... us, not them. Would a warning have stopped them ? It didn't stop us.

Jack is ecstatic. He's got his hands on a mother ship, fully armed, death gliders, the lot. He looks like the cat that got the cream and the mouse too. He can't wait to play with his new toy. Jack and Teal'c are going back to Juna to secure it and no doubt do some practise flights. Let's hope there are no automatic recall devices on that one !

Sam's going to take a small team to analyse some of the technology... and me ? I get to stay here and go over the artefacts from my mission with SG-11. Normally I would be pleased to have the time to do it, but, if I'm honest... this sounds so childish... I guess I'm feeling left out. I'm realizing that there is still as great a divide between me and the rest of my team as ever there was. There all off doing their military bit and here I am... with my rocks...

I feel sorry for Harlan. He's lost everyone. I know how he feels...

O'Neill had just pulled a beer from the fridge, when the doorbell rang.

Quickly he snapped off the cap and took a swig before sauntering over to the front door.

"Hi."

It was Daniel.

"Hello, Daniel." He took another sip of beer. "What are you doing here ?"

"Er… I was just passing and I... er…" Daniel shuffled nervously on the step and glanced over his shoulder. "Look, if you're busy I'll just…" He started to turn away.

"Wanna beer ?"

"Ah, no thank you. It's okay. You're busy, I'll go…"

"Daniel."

Two wary blue eyes peered back at him.

"Daniel, I'm not busy. Are you going to come in ? It's getting cold in here with the door open." He opened the door wider and let Daniel through. "So…"

"So…"

"Are you going to say why you've come ?"

"Like I said, I was just passing…"

"Bull."

"Bull ?"

"Yes, Daniel. Bull, as in why don't you cut the crap and get whatever it is you want to say over and done with ?"

"Umm," Daniel hesitated, "you know, maybe I will have a beer after all…"

"If it'll help…"

"It might."

O'Neill stalked back off to get another bottle.

With O'Neill's constant glare gone, Daniel found the courage to pose his question. "I've been wondering, that's all… are… are you avoiding me ?"

From the kitchen came the sound of the fridge door being closed. "What gives you that idea ?" O'Neill called, still out of sight. Did he know that Daniel's concerns would find a voice with him out of the way ?

"Oh, you know… the way you've hardly said a word to me these past few months without it being an order, or to tell me to 'shut up'… the way you keep letting me go off with other teams… the way you keep going off with Teal'c, or Sam, or both of them… and well, generally… avoiding me."

"I do not."

"Do you even know when was the last time I was here ?"

There was no reply.

"You told me then that there was no foundation in our friendship. I'm beginning to wonder if…"

"Damn it, Daniel. Of course that's not true." O'Neill couldn't bear being unable to see his friend's face any more. He had to see what he had done. The effect of his actions during these past months would no doubt be all too visible in Daniel's expression.

He poked his head round the corner of the kitchen and he was more than a little surprised to see Daniel struggling with a large man who had hold of him from behind. Where had he come from ?

He didn't think that either of them had seen him, so he ducked back and pulled a box from off the top of the kitchen wall cupboards. He took his revolver out and sneaked back to the doorway to the lounge.

"Daniel !" O'Neill's voice rang out across his living room, above the report of the gun he had just fired. His shot was too late to stop Daniel being hefted up by the towering man and thrown out of the way.

Cringing at what he could see was going to happen, O'Neill watched helplessly as Daniel's body hit the picture window overlooking the garden with a resounding thump. Almost in slow motion, the glass cracked and then shattered as more of him contacted it. Passing through the jagged opening in a shower of dagger like shards, Daniel landed on the decking in a crumpled, bloody heap.

O'Neill watched the attacker as he raced to the patio doors, shoving his gun into the back of his waistband as he did so. The man was staring at the blood on his hands, with apparent sudden awareness of the hole in his chest. Briefly, he fumbled under his jacket for his own weapon, falling all the while. He was dead before he hit the floor. Glazed, lifeless eyes stared at the ceiling.

Taking one look out of the doors, O'Neill cursed loudly and rushed back inside. He returned with a sheet and was trying to grip his cell phone between his cheek and his shoulder so that he could speak and work at the same time. He got down on his knees and began tearing the material into strips. When he was satisfied that an ambulance was on its way, he pocketed the phone and concentrated on the task in front of him.

Daniel stirred when O'Neill started to wrap the first strip of cloth around his left arm. "Jack ?"

"Lie still. Let me do this. You're making a mess of my decking." O'Neill said curtly. He hissed as he saw the deep lacerations running the length of Daniel's forearm.

Above Daniel's elbow, where his rolled up shirt sleeve was now bloody and ripped, there was a crazy criss-cross pattern of smaller cuts, some with tiny shards of glass still embedded in them.

There was a lot more blood on Daniel's left shoulder, flank and hip. A dark stain was slowly spreading down the side of his shirt and jeans.

The left half of his face and neck was a mask of red, where the blood from numerous superficial cuts was joined by trickles running down from his scalp, although, O'Neill hoped, it probably looked worse than the injuries actually were.

"Sorry…" Daniel bit his bottom lip, half in apology, half to keep back a cry of pain. "You okay ?"

"Fine." O'Neill pressed a wad of material against the side of Daniel's face and neck. "Hold this."

"He was following me. I thought I'd lost him, but…"

"He knew you'd come here." Tying off the strip at Daniel's elbow, O'Neill reached down to pull him up into a more comfortable position.

"Yeah, guess so." He let O'Neill help him sit up and dutifully held out his arm once more for the rest of it to be bound. "They were watching Sam's apartment."

"What ?" O'Neill stopped what he was doing to peer incredulously at Daniel.

"Black car, government plates, parked round the corner…"

"Why were you driving past Sam's place ?"

"Been doing it a while…" Daniel offered, deliberately omitting an explanation. "Anyway, I figured if I could get them mad enough, they'd go after me instead." Although wincing at O'Neill's ministrations, he managed a flicker of a satisfied grin.

"What did you do ?" Not really sure if he wanted to know, O'Neill asked before he could stop himself.

"Flagged down a patrol car, told the police I thought I'd seen the guys trying to sell drugs to some kids. While they were being questioned, I made sure they saw me."

"So, when they'd done telling the cops that it was all a mistake and that they were government agents on a case, they…"

"Followed me…"

"Followed you…" O'Neill said slowly, drinking it all in. He looked at Daniel questioningly.

"What ?"

"You haven't asked me anything."

"Like what ?" Daniel blinked innocently.

"Like, 'Who are these guys ?', 'What do they want with Sam ?' that kind of thing." "You know, the usual 'twenty questions' crap I'd get from you about stuff."

"Oh."

"So… ?"

"I know who they are, Jack and they were after Sam to get back at you…" Daniel shivered suddenly. "Cold…"

O'Neill finished with Daniel's arm, wincing at the sight of the blood already seeping through the thickly wrapped cloth. He dashed back into the house and grabbed the afgan off the couch.

As he came through the doors he was folding the blanket, preparing to drape it over his friend when he realized that Daniel wasn't lying where he had left him. Movement from the corner of the house caught his eye.

"Looking for something, O'Neill ?" A dark suited figure came around the corner, gesturing to the other end of the landing. O'Neill's head whipped round to see another similarly dressed man, holding Daniel up in front of him, with an arm around his neck. He had a pistol firmly pressed into Daniel's already blood soaked side.

"Let him go." O'Neill ground out.

"Now, why would you care what happens to the geek, O'Neill ?" The first man spoke again. "Thought you'd had enough of him always being right, getting one over on you. Haven't exactly been friendly just lately, have you, O'Neill ?" The man stepped forward.

O'Neill weighed up his options. He doubted that he could successfully take out both targets, given their relative positions. He was just considering which of the two men to eliminate first... would the one holding Daniel be more likely to react badly to himself or his boss being shot ?... when he was shocked to see Daniel giving him a signal. Although his hands were clamped around the arm his captor had around his neck, trying to get himself a little more room to breathe, he was definitely showing a 'thumb up'.

Raising his eyebrows, O'Neill silently questioned the younger man's intention.

Daniel blinked at him twice, quickly. He knew what he was doing. He was ready. Good boy… never knew you were listening when I gave you those lessons.

The siren took them all by surprise.

Seizing the opportunity, Daniel stomped down hard on his captor's foot and twisted out of his grip. He dropped to the decking, allowing O'Neill a clear shot.

With his henchman already partially immobilized, O'Neill's choice was made for him. He took out the boss first and followed up with a single shot to the man beside Daniel. He went down without ever bringing his weapon back up.

Quickly, O'Neill made sure of the two attackers. Then he grabbed the discarded afghan and laid it back over Daniel, who hadn't moved.

There was a cautious shout from around the corner of the house and O'Neill suddenly remembered the ambulance. He realized the crew must have heard the shots and were wondering how safe it was and he noticed a head slowly appearing around the wall.

He moved out where the person could see him and put his gun down on the floor by his feet. "It's okay. The action's over. Could do with some help here."

Two paramedics came up onto the decking. One went over to O'Neill; the other checked the two bodies.

"There's another inside." O'Neill called over to him.

"What happened ?" The medic asked, as he began assessing Daniel's condition.

"He got thrown through the window."

"Ah." The man nodded, noting the glass further along the landing.

That appeared to be all the information he required. "He's lost a lot of blood." He looked around for his colleague. "Pete ?"

"Yeah ?"

"We need the gurney and get some plasma ready. What about the others ?"

"All dead. I'll get the stuff."

"You do this ?" The medic lifted Daniel's bandaged arm.

"Yeah, started to, got interrupted…" O'Neill nodded toward one of the corpses.

"You did a good job. Here." He gave O'Neill a wad of cloth and indicated for him to hold it against the deepest cut on Daniel's shoulder.

"I'll have to tell Janet you're after her job…" Daniel opened his eyes and gazed up at O'Neill hovering over him.

"And I'll have to tell Teal'c that you're getting pretty good at those moves we taught you. He's been looking for a new sparring partner, since the last one busted his nose…"

"Ha. Ha"

"I didn't know you were paying attention."

"I'm full of surprises."

"You got that right. Been practising ?"

"Umm… you could say that."

Pete returned pulling the gurney.

"Jack, I don't want to go to hospital, can't Janet see to this ?"

"Can you patch him up good enough for me to get him to the infirmary at Cheyenne Mountain ?"

"Military ?"

O'Neill nodded.

"I can do it, but he needs to replace that lost blood volume. I'll put an IV in with some plasma, it should do until you get him there. You'll need to keep it up high in the car."

"I'd better secure this place. You finish up while I get sorted."

"Okay. Pete, take that back, we won't be needing it." The medic pointed to the gurney.

Pete rolled his eyes in annoyance, but silently obeyed after handing his colleague the IV equipment.

O'Neill quickly nailed a storm board over the broken window and went to his neighbour to let him know what was going on and that he'd be back later to tidy things up. When he returned to his house, both medics were tending to Daniel.

"Okay, we're ready to move him."

"I can walk." Daniel protested. The two men helped him up, one supported him as he walked, while the other held the IV bag above his head.

O'Neill opened the door to his jeep. He helped Daniel climb inside and the drip was secured to the handle over the door.

"Thanks." O'Neill said as the medics moved back to their ambulance.

Daniel watched from the corner of his eye. Why was Jack hovering in the doorway, doing a fair impression of a student summoned to the principle's office ?

"Daniel, hi. Can I come in ?"

"Sure." 'You don't have to ask. You never used to ask…'

"Can we talk ?" O'Neill crossed to the desk and sat down on the corner.

Daniel looked up at him, leaning back into his chair. "Do you mean talk as in whether the Bears won at hockey last night or talk as in how much would I bet that Sam will tell her father about that bike of hers ?"

"No, I mean talk as in talk, you know…"

"Oh."

"I just want to say sorry… for being such an asshole these past few months. I've been treating you really badly."

"I don't know what you mean."

"Yes, you do."

"No, I…" Daniel started to protest, before it occurred to him, that for once perhaps he should let Jack know how much his actions and words affected him. Biting his bottom lip, his eyebrows raised questioningly, encouraging the older man to continue. "Okay then."

"I was just trying to protect you."

"Protect me ?" Genuinely surprised, Daniel's voice raised a few notches in pitch.

"From those NID guys, they sent me a note."

"Really ?"

"Yeah. I should have told you, but…"

"Yes, you should, but then I suppose I should have told you…"

"About what ?"

"That they'd already come after me."

"What ? When ?"

"While you were stuck off-world, when Thor…"

"You're kidding."

"Um… no, definitely not." Unconsciously, Daniel put a hand to where his appendix scar was and leaned over, as if still feeling the effects of the attack.

"What happened."

"It's not important. I dealt with it. Well, the initial…" he searched for a word that would hopefully not worry Jack too much, "scuffle… anyway. General Hammond took over when I…"

"What ?" O'Neill leaned in closer. "I want to know, Daniel. It is important. Anything that affects my team is important to me."

"Because you're the leader."

"Yes."

Daniel pushed his chair back from the desk, jumped up and stomped away from him. He stood in the corner of the office, head hung low, shoulders hunched, arms curled tightly around his chest. The very epitome of hurt, deep emotional hurt.

O'Neill followed him, caught hold of his arm and spun him around. "And because you're my friend and I care." He locked eyes with Daniel, trying to burn that conviction into him. "What happened ?"

Surrendering to the sincerity of O'Neill's words, Daniel told him what he wanted to know. "Some guy was waiting for me in my office, he attacked me, I fought back, Hammond had him arrested."

"And you… ?"

"Ended up in the infirmary… again."

"Bad ?"

"Enough." Daniel blinked owlishly.

Not wanting to press Daniel any further at this time, O'Neill made a mental note to obtain some more details from Fraiser. He'd use his rank and command status if he had to, to get round patient confidentiality. "So, Hammond knew about this. He should have told me."

"I asked him not to."

"Why ?"

"Because I didn't want you going off doing something stupid, getting yourself a court martial or… worse, out of some illogical need to exact retribution for your team… for me. Which was what all this was about in the first place… payback."

"So, what your saying is… you were protecting me."

Daniel nodded.

"Are we dumb, or what ?" O'Neill laughed.

Daniel nodded again and laughed with him.

"Next time we should just…"

"Tell each other stuff…"

"Yeah."

They sat in silence for a while, each with their own thoughts on the last few months.

Finally, O'Neill spoke up. "So… Jacob's coming over later you know. Hammond just got word. Seems the Tok'Ra are moving house and they want to borrow a removal truck."

"Huh ?"

"The mother ship."

"Oh, right."

"I said they could use it… as long as we could go along for the ride. Not gonna give away the keys just yet. We've only just got it… Don't want the paint work spoilt, or the engine over revved."

"Suppose not."

"So, ya comin' ?"

"Where ?"

"For the proverbial spin round the block in our new wheels. Of course, if you've something better to do…" O'Neill picked up a carved stone from the desk and tossed it between his hands.

"Can I drive ?"

"I'm not sure the insurance will cover that."

"You have insurance ?"

"Er, no… okay, you can have a turn."

"You can count me in then."

"You'll have to help with the packing, though."

Daniel held up his left arm, the bandages just visible under the open cuff of his fatigues shirt. "Light duties only, doctor's orders."

"When did you ever follow doctor's orders ?"

"Right after she threatened to sedate me if she had to re-stitch this again." Daniel said with a deep sigh.

"Yeah, that would do it."

"Every time…"

O'Neill's stomach grumbled. The weight of the load on his mind had seriously affected his appetite. Now that it had been lifted, the fact that he'd skipped lunch came back at him. "You hungry ?"

"Ah, actually, now you come to mention it…"

"Come on then." O'Neill clapped an arm around Daniel's shoulder and started to guide him toward the door. "My treat."

"Great." Daniel replied enthusiastically, trying hard not to wince at the discomfort caused by the pressure on his injured shoulder. It was a gesture he'd been hoping to feel again for so long…

As they made their way up the corridor, O'Neill's mood was considerably lighter than when he had come down here. Jovially, he asked, "So… how much would you bet ?"

"On what ?"

"On Carter telling her dad about the bike."

"Oh… fifty ?"

"You're on." O'Neill removed his arm from Daniel's shoulders and turned to grab his right hand and gave it a firm shake.

Daniel looked down at the joined hands, remembering a confused and very unhappy time when O'Neill had last clutched his hand.

As if reminded of the very same moment O'Neill smiled at him. It was enough. With the arm draped once again around his shoulders, Daniel felt a warmth returning to his soul.

The two men made their way to the elevator, an easy banter flowing between them. They had a few hours before Jacob would arrive. A few hours to enjoy the renewal of their friendship, before embarking on another mission for the Tok'Ra.

O'Neill gave an involuntary shudder at the prospect, recounting their previous favors for the Goa'uld Resistance… 'But hey,' he thought, deriding himself, 'how dangerous could moving house be ?'

Many thanks, as usual to Jmas for correcting all my mistakes.

© June 16, 2001 The characters mentioned in this story are the property of Showtime and Gekko Film Corp. The Stargate, SG-I, the Goa'uld and all other characters who have appeared in the series STARGATE SG-1 together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of MGM-UA Worldwide Television, Gekko Film Corp, Glassner/Wright Double Secret Productions and Stargate SG-I Prod. Ltd. Partnership. This fanfic is not intended as an infringement upon those rights and solely meant for entertainment. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author.