Sam paced briskly through the halls on her quest. Jack had left the briefing room in such a hurry, just like he had taken flight from every gathering since Daniel had gone.
SG-1's report on the Asgard mission had been terse, to the point, all but emotionless; save for a moment of solemnity over Thor's condition. So, now the technologically advanced little aliens were forever in their debt… Great. Fantastic. Super. Why the hell couldn't they have shown up last week ? They could have paid the debt off in advance in full just by saving one man's life. Would it have been possible ? Well, they'd never know now would they ?
The Asgard had arrived too late and so had the Tok'Ra. Sam couldn't stop herself damning her father for that. What was the good of having powerful allies if they could never be contacted in time to help ?
And then Jacob had left within hours of Daniel's passing. Couldn't he have stayed around just this once ? Was it really so important to continue the search for more of the scattered so called 'resistance' right that minute ? Couldn't he see how much she needed someone to be there for her ? Selfish, selfish, selfish… she chided herself. And why the hell couldn't she be selfish just now ? She deserved it. Daniel deserved it. Damn them all !
Everyone was telling her to get over it. Oh, they all used different words, or in her CO's case more often just the back of him disappearing into the distance as he avoided the issue altogether. Well, she'd had enough. Didn't anyone else care that Daniel was gone ?
She almost didn't spot Jack sitting alone at a table in the middle of the commissary. He was out in the open, when she had been scouring the corners for a skulking figure.
"There you are..." Sam walked up to face her CO. "I've been looking for you everywhere, sir," she added, meeting his eyes as he looked up from the full mug of coffee in front of him. "We need to talk."
"I do not need to talk, Major," Jack venomously disagreed.
"Okay then, *I* need to talk, sir," Sam corrected her previous statement, for the sake of argument, but she seriously doubted the truth of O'Neill's words.
A blast of raucous laughter from the other side of the room made them both flinch. It died quickly after a harshly whispered reprimand from someone she couldn't see. Apparently, the news of Daniel's death was still new to some.
"What do you want, Carter ?" Jack asked when he had finished glaring in the direction of the ill-timed merriment, his voice devoid of any expression, sounding as weary as she had ever heard.
"Um," Sam hesitated, unsure of whether to proceed given the reception she was currently getting. She sat down opposite O'Neill and swallowed hard. "I was just curious, sir. Back when Daniel was being treated by Dad and Selmak..."
"Spit it out, Carter, I've had a goddam awful day," Jack snapped at her.
"We all have, sir," she rebuked, the tears threatening to spill once more from already cried-raw eyes.
"Yeah, I guess. Sorry," he conceded with a tone that finally considered his 2IC's feelings. He wiped brutally over his face with his hands. "So..."
Sam took a deep breath and launched into her question. "When you asked Dad to stop using the healing device, you said it was what Daniel wanted. How could you be so sure ?"
"He told me."
"?" Her doleful expression was lit with a sparkle of bewilderment. She badly needed an answer that would satisfy her self-condemnation. The thoughts ever present in the back of her mind that if only she had tried the healing device sooner, before Daniel's condition had deteriorated so much, that maybe he'd be with them now. Or, she could have done more to get used to the power she held but despised so much, thereby having greater control over what she could achieve with it. Jack's reply was, if anything, more unsettling than the guilt she already possessed by the bucketful.
"It was..." Jack absently waved a hand at the side of his head, uncertain of how to describe what he remembered, "I dunno... a dream or something. We were in the 'gate room. He spoke to me, told me he was ready to move on. That... O-My-Delilah... or whatever the hell her name is... was there too. Seemed like she'd come to guide him on his way."
"Wow," Sam was stunned, not so much by what he claimed to have happened but that Jack believed what he'd seen.
The colonel looked away, thoughtfully focussing on some point in the distance. "It was kind of nice... peaceful..." Brown eyes projected an inner smile as he turned to Sam once again. "He said he'd miss us."
Sam's eyes began to water and she sniffed loudly. "But we were trying to save him."
"He knew that. But can you honestly say that we were trying to save Daniel for his sake ? You know as well as I do that we were doing it for ours, because we couldn't face the thought of not having him around."
Blinking away the tears, Sam sniffed. When she spoke again her voice was thick with holding back her emotions. "He told you that too ?"
"Surprising as it may seem, Major, I figured that one out all by myself. Selmak said he didn't think he could cure Daniel completely. What kind of life would we have been condemning him to ? Hell, I've had dogs put down that were in less pain than he was."
Sam winced as his words echoed Janet's troubled sentiments when the two women had been alone in the observation room, and she began to view Jack with renewed appreciation. He had obviously been giving the questions surrounding his decision a lot of thought and she found herself gaining comfort from that knowledge. The image of Daniel when she broached the subject of trying the healing device would forever scar her memory. His eyelids had flickered as he had tried to focus on what she was saying, but he was robbed of the ability to voice a reply as he fought the searing agony that Janet's painkillers barely eased. His breath rasping in a throat beginning to blister and bleed, he had nodded bravely and smiled, giving her the okay to proceed and allowing her some peace of mind as she tried to help. If only it had…
Jack continued, "He certainly wouldn't have appreciated being a permanent invalid and it would have meant he couldn't have been on the team. He may not even have been able to work. None of us wanted to lose him, Carter, but I think we would have lost him under those circumstances, one way or another. Don't you ?"
Sam nodded glumly. Considering the doubts her father had had over the extent to which he could repair Daniel's ravaged body, she finally succumbed to the fact that letting him go was in his best interest. And it wasn't like he was really dead, was it ? If she was totally honest, she would still rather he was there, but that wouldn't have been fair to Daniel. "I suppose it was the right thing to do then, sir."
"Damn right it was. Don't think that it was an easy decision to make, even knowing it was what he wanted, because it wasn't… but we didn't just give up on him. *He* hasn't given up either. He said he thought he could do more that way. You've got to admit those ascended guys can do some pretty cool stuff." Jack paused, his face blank as he apparently considered the implications of Daniel's new existence. The colonel donned a mollified expression as he added, "He seemed content."
"I'm glad," Sam fought the conflicting emotions inside herself. "But somehow it makes it worse knowing that he's still around somewhere… I mean what if we never see him again ?"
"Never say never, Carter. Never say never." And Jack smiled.
© January 2002 The characters mentioned in this story are the property of Showtime and Gekko Film Corp. The Stargate, SG-I, the Goa'uld and all other characters who have appeared in the series STARGATE SG-1 together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of MGM-UA Worldwide Television, Gekko Film Corp, Glassner/Wright Double Secret Productions and Stargate SG-I Prod. Ltd. Partnership. This fanfic is not intended as an infringement upon those rights and solely meant for entertainment. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author.