Premise: If "original" Jack had such a hard time seeing the replicas as more than just robots, maybe "replica" Jack had a hard time accepting the idea of his own possible immortality (or, that is,the idea of having a soul) until this last mission.
I missed sleep. Ever since Harlan copied our conscience into robotics bodies to be his helpers, companions and -whatever, I’ve missed a lot of things . There were, of course, all the things you would expect to crave-hockey games, a cold beer, a day fishing. But what I really longed for is sleep. We had rejuvenation periods, but it wasn’t the same. You don’t get that comforting, drifting feeling as the world fades like you do when you nod off. What I had was more of a little snippet of death; at least what I thought death would be like for me.
And then there were the dreams, or rather, for me, the lack of dreams. I didn’t have them, at least not in the conventional way. Images came sometimes, flashes of disconnected memories, but no real dreams. I made the mistake of telling Daniel that once, he went completely crazy. He started talking about dream depravation psychosis and all that other Psych 101 crap. It seems that all the rest of them did dream. He suggested that I let Carter look at my wiring, he thought something was missing in my programming. I kind of though it was just something missing in me.
Maybe that’s why I countermanded my own order and lead my team through the gate again. I think I was trying to find whatever was lost. Maybe that’s why the rest of them agreed with my decision, we were all looking for something. Perhaps that search was what lead us all through the gate the very first time, before we were replicated.-- Yes, for me the search was the reason, both times.
I don’t believe the original team realized how much they took with them when they walked through that gate to return home. It wasn’t just our lives and our careers, it was our very identify.
Harlan had said it would be dangerous to go through the gate in our "condition". I was hoping it would be. At that time I thought some exotic death on a distant planet wouldn’t be so bad. At least becoming what I am now would have some meaning-something of what I am now would carry on. That’s another thing I thought the other team took with them, whatever part of us lasts once we’re gone. Daniel, Sam, and Teal’c disagreed, but I wasn’t sure. Hell, I wasn’t sure if there was any thing like that in the first place!
All that metaphysical shit gives me a headache anyway, so after a while I just stopped thinking about it, that is until today - when I saw Daniel’s lifeless body. I wanted to know I would see him again- I wanted to see Charlie again- I had to see them again. That was when I first thought that Daniel, Sam and Teal’c were right. We’re much more than just replicas, maybe we do have souls.
I think that’s why I became so angry at this "original" O’Neill’s lack of interest in what happened to *my* team. Daniel was dead and the others were captured- undergoing God knows what at the hands of that snake- all because of his lack of judgment.. He gave a well deserved apology to the Darian., but said nothing to me. The fact O’Neill didn’t even ask or seem to care how Daniel died was such an invalidation to his life and sacrifice that I had to strike out. *My* Daniel felt the same as his Daniel would have; kneeling helplessly, knowing the staff weapon poised to take his life would be the last thing his eyes would see. This O’Neill would have felt the same way I did-- watching-- unable to do anything to stop it-- honoring Daniel’s wordless request to let him offer himself for our sake--that request only making it harder.
This O’Neill, would have, like me, upon seeing Daniel’s death, realized it takes more than a handful of circuits to make a sacrifice like that; but he hadn’t seen it, so he didn’t realize it , and that’s why I struck out. It was really kind of comical, once it started- me fighting with myself. (Not that I haven’t done that before, much like lying to myself.)
He just didn’t seem to get what we are-who we are. Before the fight, he had complained about us going through the gate. He didn’t understand how much we’re like them, how compelled we are to carry on, to explore, to fight the Goa’uld. We couldn’t stay on that planet fixing broken down circuits for the rest of our lives-the only reason for our confinement being that we were the second ones to be created. We had to give it all meaning.
****
Now here I am. We invaded Cronus’ ship, our mission was a success, but I’m injured. Well actually, I’m dying. I can’t reach the others and I fear the worst.
Darian comes in and starts caring for me, asking me if I can repair myself. I tell him I’m running out of energy. He promises me that we will be remembered. Part of my mission is accomplished We helped other worlds-- that gave why I became what I became a meaning. This time I am a casualty of our mission. Now instead of my circuits frying out in a few 1000 years I will die here, helping this world, so my death will have a meaning as well. But I still feel there is more to do. I have to carry on. Maybe that desire to go on, to rise to more than what we are, is what makes us last through this world and the next.
The other O’Neill, comes in. I ask about my team. He tells me they’re gone, but the *real* ones are OK. Invalidation of our lives and sacrifices again. I’m too tired to fight, so I simply ask, "Are we still so far from real to you?" I know what he thinks before he tells me. I have I finally convinced him, finally convinced myself.
I usually only watch in syndication, but I just happened to catch this one and felt inspired. I didn’t see anything else in season 4 though so I apologize if I got anything wrong.This is my first POV. I hope I was able to expand on what was said and not simply re-hash it. Any input would be great.
© July 20, 2001 The characters mentioned in this story are the property of Showtime and Gekko Film Corp. The Stargate, SG-I, the Goa'uld and all other characters who have appeared in the series STARGATE SG-1 together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of MGM-UA Worldwide Television, Gekko Film Corp, Glassner/Wright Double Secret Productions and Stargate SG-I Prod. Ltd. Partnership. This fanfic is not intended as an infringement upon those rights and solely meant for entertainment. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author.