Staring outside the window he wondered when it had happened. When had they passed it? That place everyone called 'the point of no return'. Jack O'Neill turned from the window. Tired of seeing, yet not seeing, his reflection in the darkened pane of glass.
In his mind he knew Daniel was dead. He had seen him die. He had tried -- hadn't he? -- to get to him before the fire could consume him. His mind replayed the event over and over again. Daniel surrounded by flames. Daniel screaming "COLONEL, HELP ME!" He saw himself reaching towards the flames that had engulfed his friend, but the heat -- it was too much.
His hands clenching into fists, pounded the sides of his head. "NO!"
Sometime during the night O'Neill fell into an exhausted sleep on his couch. Every once in awhile, his body would twitch as if in pain. One particularly violent spasm knocked him off the couch and onto the floor where he woke, sweating and trembling violently. Pulling himself into a ball, he hugged himself and willed the trembling to stop. Death of a comrade had never affected him this way before. Why was it doing so now?
"Because Daniel was more than a comrade ... Daniel was a friend," his mind answered. "Daniel was a..." Sobs overtook the words and Colonel Jonathan "Jack" O'Neill cried himself back to sleep.
The next morning, O'Neill awoke to the song of a robin who had taken up residence on the deck attached to O'Neill's house. Groggily, like a man in a trance O'Neill walked to the sliding glass door. He stared at the bird singing so happily on the railing. He wasn't seeing the bird though. His mind was somewhere else. Red. Bubbles rising through red light. Then Daniel screaming -- yelling "Colonel -- Help Me!"
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"It's a good thing that door was made with safety glass."
The EMT had finished wrapping O'Neill's arm and fist. He was putting his supplies back in his case.
O'Neill nodded and flexed his arm a few times. "Ya think?" his mind sallied.
Standing, the EMT picked up his case and walked to where General Hammond stood watching from the doorway. He glanced back at O'Neill sitting at his kitchen table. "Sir, you really should get him to a hospital. He doesn't look so hot."
"I'll see what I can do," Hammond replied as he walked the EMT to O'Neill's front door. "Thank you for coming as quickly as you did."
"No problem. That's what we're here for."
Hammond walked back into the kitchen and sat down at the table opposite O'Neill. He was shaken by the man's appearance. O'Neill's usually ruddy complexion was pale, his cheeks hollow, his eyes seemed to have sunk into his skull.
"Colonel -- Jack," Hammond amended, then he paused because he wasn't quite sure how to word what he felt he had to say to bring this man back. A secret he had kept for nearly 30 years. A secret that if he told O'Neill now, may change their future.
O'Neill hadn't looked up when Hammond had begun to speak. He was lost in his own thoughts. Retirement. Getting away. Leaving it all behind him. There was still blood on his hands from the death of Charlie. Blood that would never be washed away. And now more blood.
Daniel. The geek.
After that first mission to Abydos, he had begun to live again. When General Hammond had requested his presence back at Cheyenne Mountain a year later, he had felt relieved when he was caught in his lie. The Air Force Officer in him had felt guilt at shading his report. The man in him hadn't. It had all worked out, the SGC was formed and he was back in control and back in action.
He felt proprietory towards the members of SG-1. Almost as if they were his children. It wasn't just that they were under his command. It was more. Over time and the missions that they had been on, they had become his family. The only one he had now. And, he had lost another one. Another son.
"COLONEL O'NEILL!"
O'Neill looked up and realized that he wasn't alone. General Hammond sat across the table from him. Realization dawned. It was Hammond who had shown up at O'Neill's house to check on him. He was the one who had found O'Neill sitting on the floor, surrounded by broken glass, totally oblivious to the blood that was oozing out of several lacerations on his arm and hand. It was Hammond who had called the EMTs and had stood patiently by waiting for them to patch up O'Neill. It was Hammond who was now calling his name.
"Sir?"
"Thank God. I thought I was going to have to call Dr. Frazier out here."
O'Neill looked puzzled. "I'm sorry." Hammond sighed. "I've been trying to talk to you for ten minutes now. You've just sat there. I've never seen you sit still for more than 30 seconds without moving unless you were comatose or drugged."
"Oh, sorry sir. I'll try to remember to move next time." Small smile, almost shy moved across O'Neill's face then was gone. "You were saying?"
"What I was saying was..." Another hesitation. "Jack. I've got to know. Do you really believe that Dr. Jackson is dead?"
O'Neill blinked. Rising bubbles backwashed with red. Daniel screaming, "Colonel. Help Me!" Water. Gotta reach the water.
O'Neill's fists again beating against his head. Trying to beat the memory out. Trying to make it stop. "YES! He's dead. I saw him die. We all saw him die. And there wasn't a DAMN thing we could do about it." O'Neill's voice dropped to a whisper. "Not a damn thing."
Hammond watched and listened. He had seen what the death of a comrade in arms could do to people. He had seen what the death of a friend could do to people. Yet, somehow he couldn't believe that what he was witnessing in Jack and the rest of SG-1 was even remotely near that. This was something more.
"Jack. What if I told you that I don't think he can be dead?"
O'Neill's head popped up. "What?"
"Colonel, if you're sure ... you're really sure. I've got to tell you that I don't think he's dead."
O'Neill sat for a moment -- completely still -- then he remembered, smiled, and waggled his fingers in the General's direction.
"Sir, it's weird. I know he's dead. But, I know he's not dead. I can't reconcile it. It's driving me crazy."
"So I've noticed."
O'Neill smiled, barely shaking his head. Then completely serious. "Sir, why don't you believe that he's dead?"
Hammonds shoulders and chest moved with a deep sigh. "I had hoped that this wouldn't be necessary." He looked O'Neill straight in the eye. His face deadly serious. "What I am about to tell you, you cannot reveal to anyone else. Especially the rest of SG-1. It could have serious repercussions on our future. Do I have your word?" O'Neill pulled himself up. Squaring his shoulders and sitting ramrod straight he answered, "Yes, sir. You have it."
Hammond finished telling O'Neill about the experience he had as a young lieutenant. "So you see, Dr. Jackson cannot be dead."
O'Neill was stunned. If there was any truth to what the General had just told him, he was right. Daniel couldn't be dead. O'Neill's mind grasped that thought and hung onto it -- willing it to be true.
"Sir, the memorial -- you planned it. And you asked us to clean out Daniel's apartment. If you knew this, why?"
"Because I had to. I couldn't let any of you know that you were going to go back in time. That you were going to meet me in 1969. The possibility of you knowing could change the events as they are supposed to happen."
"But why tell me now?"
Hammond's eyes fell to the tabletop. One hand raised to rub his forehead as his mind searched for the answer. "I was afraid you were going to give up."
O'Neill looked confused. "Give up, sir?"
"Yes, Colonel. Give up. When I got here today and saw you sitting in that pile of glass, I knew what you were probably going to tell me. You were going to tell me -- again -- that you wanted to retire." Looking O'Neill once again straight in the eyes he added, "I can't let you do that, Colonel."
Hammond rose from the table. "Colonel, I want you to think on what I've just told you. You have a mystery to clear up. Dr. Jackson cannot be dead. I'm going to ask Dr. MacKenzie to talk to you all about this matter. Maybe with his help, we can get to the bottom of this."
O'Neill jumped to attention -- one small spark of hope ignited in his soul and in his eyes. He saluted the general. "Yes sir."
© August 5, 2001 The characters mentioned in this story are the property of Showtime and Gekko Film Corp. The Stargate, SG-I, the Goa'uld and all other characters who have appeared in the series STARGATE SG-1 together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of MGM-UA Worldwide Television, Gekko Film Corp, Glassner/Wright Double Secret Productions and Stargate SG-I Prod. Ltd. Partnership. This fanfic is not intended as an infringement upon those rights and solely meant for entertainment. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author.