Jack had every intention of following doctor’s orders for once and going home to bed. He never actually made a conscious decision to the contrary. He was so tired when he finally got into his car after being debriefed and having the routine medical checkup; his body was operating on autopilot. He wasn’t all that surprised when he soon found himself in front of Daniel’s apartment, and decided to abandon the idea of sleep for a few more hours. His subconscious was obviously trying to tell him something, and chances were it wouldn’t let him sleep until he settled it.
As he pulled himself from the driver’s seat with an exhausted groan, it occurred to him that he was really getting too old for the stress of lying to everyone and running all over the galaxy. When the thought registered, he jerked to attention. ‘Bite your tongue,’ he told himself. ‘You are not old.’ Even if he was, it wasn’t the gate and the aliens that were at fault. It was worrying about the kid in the apartment in front of him.
He allowed himself a moment of introspection, leaning against the car door and shaking his head affectionately. Worrying about Daniel might cause a few gray hairs, but he wouldn’t give up that relationship for anything. If someone had told him when he and Daniel first met that he would come to love the kid like a brother, he probably would have kicked them into next Tuesday. At that point, he had certainly been ready to do just that to Dr. Jackson. He remembered that feeling, but it seemed like a lifetime ago.
Now, he cared a lot about the kid. Which was why it had been so hard to sit on his own couch and pretend that he didn’t, knowing what his harsh words were doing to Daniel. But knowing that the room was bugged and knowing the stakes…hating it hadn’t prevented him from doing what he had to do.
He had known from the start that Carter and Teal’c would be okay. They might take a while to fully forgive him, but they would. And they might not like it, but they would understand. Daniel was the one he worried about—as always. And Daniel would have to be the one he was forced to wound so personally.
Jack sighed and pushed himself away from the car, determined to fix things between himself and Daniel. He made his way to the younger man’s door, hesitating only a second before rapping on it three times.
When he got no response, he knocked again. "Coming," Daniel called from inside. Jack frowned. Daniel’s voice sounded weak and shaky—like he’d been crying. Of course that was a giant assumption on his part; the kid probably just had a cold.
Jack held onto that thought right up until Daniel opened the door and the Colonel got a good look at him. His eyes were red, and while they weren’t wet at the moment, there were definite tear tracks down his cheeks. He’d been crying. Jack felt a surge of concern, tempered only slightly by his surge of guilt. "Danny?" he asked softly.
Daniel sighed. "Jack," he responded, dropping his head. They stood there for a moment, and Jack was sure Daniel would tell him to get lost. Or rather, that he would try. Jack had no intention of leaving his friend alone right then.
Surprisingly, it didn’t come to that. Daniel looked back up a minute later and then stepped back, cocking his head in invitation. Jack accepted, moving into the apartment. He watched as Daniel closed and locked the door, leaning on it a moment before turning back to him. Since they’d become close friends, they had spent much time in comfortable silence—but this one was deafening. Jack had never been good with words. Daniel was usually the talkative one, but when he was really hurting he would clam up. Apparently, he was really hurting.
Wanting desperately to start a conversation, Jack opened his mouth and said the first thing that came to him. "I want to say up front that there were no straws involved in this visit. Just me and my guilty conscience."
Daniel rewarded him with a small smile for the crack about the straws, but then he ducked his head again, still saying nothing. Jack sighed. He looked around the apartment, taking in the blanket on the couch, the phone out of its cradle, the easily accessible Kleenex box, and what looked like an open photo album on the coffee table. He also noted that the answering machine held a message that had already been listened to. He glanced back at Daniel, studying his subdued friend. It was possible that this was more than just a reaction to Jack’s subterfuge.
"Danny?" He waited until Daniel’s eyes met his. "What’s wrong?" Daniel stared at him for a moment then broke eye contact, shaking his head. "C’mon, Daniel. You wouldn’t have let me in without a fight if you didn’t want to talk." Jack knew Daniel too well.
The problem was that that went both ways. "Maybe I just knew that you wouldn’t go away no matter what I did and decided to make it easier on myself," the young archaeologist snapped, suddenly defensive.
Jack winced slightly, but then simply stared at Daniel. He wanted to talk, Jack was sure. He just needed some time to build up to it. If venting at him helped Daniel, then Jack could certainly take it. He owed his friend that much—and he probably even deserved it. "So," he began, as if Daniel had never spoken, "You want to sit down and talk?"
"Are you sure, Jack? Because that could take a while and get pretty emotional. I don’t know if the foundations of our friendship are strong enough to handle it. Are you sure you care that much?"
Ouch. That was designed to sting, and Jack knew it. He also knew that Daniel was trying to push him away. Well, it wouldn’t work. He took a deep breath and weighed his next words carefully. "Yes, Daniel. I care that much and more. And even if the past few days haven’t shown that very well, you know that I care. So what’s this all about, huh?"
Daniel stared defiantly at him for a few more seconds before his face crumbled. Jack watched as Daniel deflated like a balloon. As his friend brought a trembling hand up to rub his eyes; Jack fought the protective instinct to reach out to him. He knew there were still things between the two of them that would keep Daniel from accepting his comfort.
So Jack said casually, "I’ll go first if you like." He turned and made his way to the couch, hoping Daniel would follow. The archaeologist didn’t disappoint. He waited until Daniel sank down beside him before speaking again. "I considered turning down the assignment."
Daniel looked at him in surprise. "What?"
Jack nodded. "Its true. I didn’t want to do it without briefing you guys, and certain higher forces were insistent that that couldn’t happen. Then Hammond pointed out that there was likely a mole in our midst and that if that person found out that I was a phony, the mission would be over, along with my life. Not to mention that anyone I left behind could be in danger, as well if they knew. I wouldn’t do that to you, or Sam and Teal’c."
Daniel was studying his eyes. Jack resisted the urge to look away from the scrutiny, knowing that the feelings and truth that Daniel was looking for would be easy to see, as it was what he really felt. After a moment, Daniel nodded before saying, "I’m sorry."
Whoa…hold the phone. Why was Daniel apologizing to him? "For what?" he asked incredulously, the words coming out a little harsher than he had intended.
Daniel took to staring at the floor. "I knew something wasn’t right. You were acting so…not like you. I should have known it was something like this, but I let what you said get to me and I just wrote off this whole friendship. Well," Daniel shook his head with a rueful smile; "I tried anyway. I kept telling myself that you didn’t care, so I didn’t either. I just let you walk through the gate, I didn’t even come down from the control room, no goodbye…and I thought it was the last time I would ever see you." He lowered his voice to a whisper; "It hurt a lot more than I was willing to admit. A whole lot more."
Jack felt his own guilt triple and his heart break with that last whispered admission. He started to speak, but Daniel wasn’t finished yet. "I should have had more faith in you. I do, I just…I don’t know. I’m sorry."
Daniel looked like he was about to start crying again. Jack did reach for him then, scooting closer and wrapping an arm around his shoulders. He was relieved when Daniel didn’t attempt to move away, but instead leaned into him a bit. He squeezed him closer for a second in response, then said, "You don’t need to be sorry, Danny. There is absolutely nothing here for you to feel guilty about. Okay?" Daniel gave a not-too-convincing nod, still staring at some random spot on the floor. Jack sighed. "Okay. We’ll review that point later. Look Danny, I’m the one who should be sorry. And I am—for everything. You have no idea how much I kicked myself for not at least trying to turn you away at my door before we ever had that conversation.
Heck, I probably should never have even taken the mission."
Daniel shook his head, finally raising his gaze to Jack. "No, Jack. You had to. If we had lost our friendly relations with the Asgard and the Tollans, all our lives would have been at a much greater risk. We need them. You did what you had to do, and I understand that. As far as getting rid of me at your door—it wouldn’t have worked. Just like it wouldn’t have worked with you if I had tried it tonight." Jack smiled; he was absolutely right. They were rubbing off on each other. Daniel continued, "And yeah, I wish you could have told me, but I understand that, too. My reactions…well, I was pretty upset and confused." He looked to the floor again. "Pretty devastated, actually. I wouldn’t have been able to act that very convincingly. It probably would have been obvious to Makepeace that something was up. So, really, I understand."
Jack watched him for a moment, then said what he wasn’t saying. "But it still hurts."
Daniel glanced up at him, then apparently decided not to lie. "Yes. But I’ll live," he gave Jack a small, yet very real, smile. "Especially with you back and acting normal again. Well, normal for you, anyhow."
Ordinarily, Jack would have had a comeback for that one, but he was busy beaming at Daniel. "That’s my little anthropologist," he teased, reaching up to ruffle Daniel’s hair and earning the typical annoyed glare in response. "I missed you," he continued honestly.
Daniel blushed a little, then said just as honestly, "Same here."
Jack continued seriously, "Look, Danny, I know this isn’t really a quick fix situation. Come to think of it, we hardly ever get quick fix situations. I know I hurt you. And I know that’s going to take some time for you to work through completely. But what I said earlier, about our friendship having a solid foundation, I meant that. And I very much want it to survive this."
"Me, too." Daniel looked at him with those huge blue eyes, then found his spot to stare at on the floor again. He swallowed hard, and Jack realized that he looked like he was about to cry again. That wasn’t exactly the reaction he had been hoping for. Then he remembered his theory that something else had upset his friend.
"Hey, kid," Jack said softly, moving closer to him again, though not touching him. "What else is going on here?"
Daniel started to speak, then apparently changed his mind and simply tilted his head in the direction of the answering machine. Jack gave him a questioning look, and he nodded his permission. Jack stood and headed to the machine, wondering when they had gotten to the point where they didn’t even need words to communicate. He pressed the play button on the machine, steeling himself for whatever was in the message.
A female voice kicked in. A voice that sounded even rawer from tears than Daniel’s had earlier. "Daniel, its Kristen. I should’ve called you earlier, but I couldn’t…I didn’t think you’d be able to decipher the message through all the tears. I probably shouldn’t do this over the machine, but I don’t know when I’ll be able to contact you, so…anyhow, two nights ago…Mike was in a car accident. The investigators…they said it was instant, and that he didn’t feel any pain. Um, if you get this message in time, the funeral’s on Saturday. I’d like it if you could be here, and I know Mike would have, too…" she choked off, then said a tear-filled goodbye. Then the message was over.
Jack looked back to Daniel, who had shut his eyes tightly and wrapped his arms around himself as if trying to shut the world out. A few tears had leaked through his wall anyhow, and were trickling slowly down his cheeks. Jack headed quietly back to the couch, resuming his seat beside his friend. He reached a hand out to gently rub Daniel’s back, unsure of what to say. He studied the open photo album on the coffee table. "Is this Mike?" he asked softly.
Daniel opened his eyes to look at the photos, in which a younger version of Daniel and another young man with darker hair and equally blue eyes wore graduation caps and gowns and posed for the camera. "Yeah," he said, smiling through his tears. "That was our high school graduation. It was a great day." He reached out to point at one of the pictures, in which the boys were joined by a pretty girl with long blonde hair. "That’s Kristen. She married Mike a few years later, although I could have told you right then that they would get married and be completely happy together."
"You guys were close, huh?" Jack asked.
"Yeah. We were best friends." The sad smile abruptly disappeared. When Daniel didn’t speak for a few moments, Jack thought that might be all of the story he was going to get to hear, though he expected that there was a lot more. He was about to say something, though he had no idea what, when Daniel swallowed hard, took a deep breath, and continued. "We met when we were kids. Ten years old, I think. We were in the same foster home. We bonded pretty fast—we had to really. In a situation like that you need all the support you can get."
The last statement was said under his breath, but Jack heard, and he didn’t like the picture that was forming in his head. He tried to tell himself he was jumping to conclusions again, but he was afraid that he wasn’t. "Daniel? What kind of situation?"
Daniel met his gaze and managed a small, and completely insincere, smile. "It doesn’t matter, Jack. It was a long time ago."
As much as his protective instincts screamed for him to find out, Jack decided to let it drop for the moment. Daniel had certainly been through enough in the past few days, no need to push him into reliving painful memories.
Daniel launched back into the story. "Anyhow, we were like brothers. We were each other’s lifeline through…everything. Even when we were finally moved out of that home and back into the system, by some miracle we were still in the same school. We’d kept in touch ever since, right up until I joined the Stargate program. Then I was kind of unreachable for that year."
Jack smiled. "Yeah, I think that number was out of the calling area."
Daniel chuckled softly. "Yeah. When I came back and got settled, we started talking again. I hadn’t seen him in a while, though." He got quiet again with that. "I didn’t get the message until I came home tonight. I called Kristen to see when and where the funeral was going to be." He took a steadying breath. "I’m going to need some time off this weekend."
"I think we can arrange that," Jack said softly. Seeing that Daniel was close to tears again, he placed a comforting arm around his shoulders. "Would you like some company?"
Daniel looked at him. "Really? You don’t have to."
"Danny, I want to. What are friends for?"
Daniel nodded his approval, unable to speak as the tears pooling in his eyes spilled over. Jack reached out to pull him close, allowing Daniel to bury his face in his shoulder. As the young anthropologist allowed his tears to come, Jack wrapped him in a tight embrace, moving one hand to stroke his back soothingly and the other to cradle his head against his own shoulder. "It’s okay, Danny. Let it out. I’m not going anywhere. It’s okay…" he continued to murmur softly.
It was no wonder the poor kid’s emotions had been all over the map, what with the permanent loss of one close friend piled so closely on top of the inexplicable loss and unexpected return of another. Daniel had still been trying to work out his feelings about the whole mess with Jack when he had heard about Mike. That was for too many sharp blows in too little time.
But the fact that he and Mike had drifted apart in the last few years was probably a blessing. The loss would hit him hard, but it wouldn’t be debilitating. Jack was another story. They were both currently the closest thing each other had to family. And they both depended on their close, brotherly (sometimes bordering on father-son) relationship to get them through the trials of their everyday, not-so-normal lives. If Jack hadn’t come back…
Jack chilled with his next thought and pulled Daniel closer, thanking God that Kristen hadn’t been able to summon the strength to call the day before. If Daniel had found out about Mike’s death while he still thought Jack was gone for good, it would have been devastating. He might not have had Daniel to come back to, and that thought was terrifying.
It took a while for Daniel’s tears to slow. He eventually turned his face into the hollow of Jack’s neck, but didn’t move otherwise. Jack continued to hold him, needing the closeness as much as his friend did. While nowhere near the scale of Daniel’s current trauma, the past few days hadn’t been a picnic for him, either.
He felt Daniel slowly become heavier against him, but Jack didn’t move until he was sure he was asleep. Then he shifted to a more comfortable position and pulled the blanket over his friend before resettling Daniel against him. The younger man only stirred slightly, tightening his grip on Jack’s shirt and nestling more comfortingly against him before relaxing completely. Jack couldn’t help but smile at the instinctive, comfort-seeking actions. Daniel was still demonstrating complete trust, despite everything that had happened. That shook Jack. Apparently those foundations were even stronger than he had realized. They’d been through an earthquake, and they were still standing.
Maybe they would survive this, after all.
© August 28, 2001 The characters mentioned in this story are the property of Showtime and Gekko Film Corp. The Stargate, SG-I, the Goa'uld and all other characters who have appeared in the series STARGATE SG-1 together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of MGM-UA Worldwide Television, Gekko Film Corp, Glassner/Wright Double Secret Productions and Stargate SG-I Prod. Ltd. Partnership. This fanfic is not intended as an infringement upon those rights and solely meant for entertainment. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author.