Jack was not especially surprised to discover that Daniel was no longer around when Fraiser finally managed to shoo them all out of the infirmary. SG-1 and Bra'tac had all hovered and milled about, alternately helping and getting underfoot as the doctor and her staff settled Teal'c in the ward to complete his recovery. Even General Hammond was reluctant to leave, remaining with the others until Fraiser finally put her foot down and ordered everyone out. Booted out into the hallway, Jack turned to speak to Daniel and realized his teammate had disappeared.
The others were gone before Jack could ask whether they had seen Daniel leave. Sam and Bra'tac were moving in the direction of the commissary, engrossed in a discussion about the experience of the previous twelve hours. Hammond and a very frantic aide appeared to be on their way to Hammond's office - someone probably needed permission to change a light bulb. It appeared that Jack was on his own.
He picked up the nearest phone and dialed the front gate. The sergeant on duty confirmed that Daniel had not only slipped away from the infirmary, but left the base completely. Jack sighed and headed for the surface. He had been almost solely focused on Teal'c for two weeks now, but he had known Daniel would need some attention when this was all over. Ever optimistic, Jack had hoped he might at least get an hour's reprieve, but apparently things weren't going to pan out that way.
The two weeks since returning to the SGC with a brainwashed Teal'c had been grueling and tense for everyone. Every resource at the SGC's disposal had been pressed into service in the effort to wipe out whatever Apophis had done to Teal'c. Daniel threw himself into the effort with the same intensity and determination as the rest of them.
As painful as those two weeks were for Jack and Sam, they were wrenching for Daniel. Teal'c spit words at Daniel that could only be described as venomous, viciously opening old wounds about Sha're. Daniel typically walked away from those encounters with his face looking like chalk. But he never complained and he never backed down.
Now that the worst was over, Jack knew Daniel would finally allow himself time to nurse the wounds. This particular pain - the connection between Daniel, Sha're and Teal'c - was one about which Daniel had always been intensely private. Jack wasn't sure how much help he could offer, but would no more leave Daniel to face it alone than he would have given up on Teal'c two weeks earlier.
He knocked on the door to Daniel's apartment and pushed it open when he heard Daniel call "come in."
"Daniel?"
"Out here, Jack." Daniel's voice drifted in from the balcony. Jack shuddered. It didn't matter that Daniel was clearly on the right side of the railing, responsive and even wearing shoes. Just the thought of Daniel on the balcony gave Jack the willies.
"Uh, Daniel?" Jack stepped out to join him. "You know how much I hate finding you out here."
Daniel had the decency to smile, though he continued looking out over the city.
"Don't panic, Jack. I just needed some air."
"Oh. Well - air's good." So was the fact that Daniel's first words had not been "go away, Jack."
He joined Daniel at the rail, resting his forearms against it, matching Daniel's own pose.
"You got here faster than I expected," Daniel said. "Figured I had at least half an hour to myself before you showed up."
Jack wasn't sure how to interpret that.
"Want me to leave?"
"No."
It was still early and the city below them was quiet. Jack could see trees rustling in the breeze, but couldn't hear the sound from eight stories up. His voice was tempered by the hushed morning spell. "Daniel, you know me. Can't focus on more than one thing at a time . .. Been pretty focused on gettin' Teal'c back these last couple of weeks.
Daniel nodded.
"Haven't had much time to focus on you."
"Some reason you should have?" Daniel asked.
"Daniel." It was a gentle reproach. Jack didn't elaborate. Daniel knew what he meant.
The silence lengthened. Jack waited it out. He knew Daniel was sorting things out. He wanted to be here, to help however he could, but he needed Daniel to lead the way. He wouldn't wade into Daniel's pain without permission.
"Jack, you ever feel like your life might just be somebody's idea of a great, big cosmic joke?"
Whoa. That wasn't exactly what he had been expecting.
"What do you mean exactly?"
"Well think about it. It's like somebody out there taped a huge 'Kick Me' sign on my back and is just sitting there laughing while life slams me in the gut. What other explanation is there for the shit that just keeps getting thrown at me?"
Oh boy. Daniel was mired deep. Way past his knees, sinking in all the way to his chest.
"Daniel -"
"Sorry, Jack," Daniel interrupted with a quick shake of his head. "Massive pity party - I know that. And I'm not ready to be dragged away from it yet."
"Okay," Jack said slowly, "if that's what you need right -"
"I *need* to know why every time I think I might finally be happy, life throws me another curve ball."
Okay, they were mixing so many metaphors here, Jack was losing track. Not to mention that Daniel using sports metaphors was so unexpected that Jack missed a sentence or two.
". . . deserve this? I'm glad we've got Teal'c back. You *know* I am. But, dammit, why did doing it have to hurt *me* so damn much? Why did it have to stab at the one wound that just won't heal? Did you hear the things he said to me, Jack?"
Jack had heard.
// You are weak and pathetic, Daniel Jackson, mated to a slave woman - and so worthless without your mate that you offer yourself as a host . .. It gave me great pleasure to watch the pain in your eyes as I described to you how Ammonet claimed Sha're as host . . . Your words of forgiveness are meaningless to mean; I have no need of them //
Jack reached across the small space between them and touched Daniel's arm. Daniel finally turned to look at him.
"Jack, I'm so tired of not being able to get past this. I loved Sha're. I *still* love her - "
// I know, Daniel. I still love Charlie. //
" - But I have to be able to get beyond this or I really will become pathetic. Why won't life let me get past it? Teal'c took my wife and somehow I forgave him. Then he - then Sha're died. And I forgave him that too. It was hard, but I did it, and I meant it. Now this happens. Why isn't it over?"
Jack wanted to pull Daniel into his arms. He nearly stepped forward to do it, but Daniel seemed to sense the movement and tensed. He didn't want a hug. He wanted an answer. Jack didn't have one to give him.
"I'm sorry, Daniel. I don't know. I wish I did."
Daniel sighed and turned away, looking out over the cityscape again. Jack took it as a good sign that he didn't shrug off the hand Jack still had on his forearm.
"He's going to ask me to forgive him. You know he is."
"Yeah."
"There isn't even anything to forgive. He didn't even *do* anything this time. And it wasn't him. Hell, if *I* can't make allowances for somebody who was under the influence of goa'uld control, then you might as well shut me back in that sarcophagus myself."
"*Don't* ever say that, Daniel." The words came out with more force than Jack intended, but finding Daniel out here on the balcony was bad enough. Hearing him suggest another go round with a sarcophagus was more than Jack wanted to think about.
"Sorry. Just an expression. My point is -"
"I get your point, Daniel. Teal'c isn't really responsible for the things he said to you these last couple weeks . . . doesn't take the sting out of it though."
"No," Daniel said quietly. "It doesn't."
"Look, I know you want to stay a little longer at the pity party, but do you mind if I send in the chaperone?" All right, that might be making too much of a metaphor, but it got a nod from Daniel.
"Go ahead."
"Almost from the moment you opened the Stargate, life has been knocking you on your ass. And you, being you, just keep getting up and coming back for more.
"What choice do I have?"
"You always have a choice, Daniel. And somehow you always choose to stand back up and get back in the game. I know you're tired of being the universe's punching bag. I know you're hurting. I will do anything I can to help ease that pain. But my point is, more than once your determination has kept *me* from giving up. It's kept Sam from giving up. It's even kept Teal'c from giving up. I don't think his freedom would be worth much to him if he thought he could never receive absolution for the things he's done. You give that to him."
Jack waited while Daniel stared at a pigeon nesting in the eaves of the building across the street. Several long moments passed before Daniel responded. When he did, his voice was whisper soft.
"Still hurts."
"I know," Jack said, matching his tone.
"But not as much."
"Good."
"Thanks, Jack."
"You're welcome. Now, you mind if I get a beer? Or do you want me to go?"
"Stay, have a beer. Get one for me too."
"Oh, you *are* having a pity party, aren't you."
Daniel smiled as Jack headed for the kitchen. When he returned, he was juggling two bottles and a ringing cell phone. Passing a bottle to Daniel just before it dropped to the floor, he managed to answer the phone.
"O'Neill."
*Sir, it's Carter.*
"Yeah, Carter - what's up?"
*I'm trying to find Daniel, sir. He didn't answer his phone.* Odd, Jack didn't remember hearing Daniel's phone ring. *You don't happen to know where Daniel is, do you, sir?*
"He's about to drown himself in a beer. Why?"
*Teal'c is asking for him.*
"I thought Teal'c was recuperating."
*He is, sir. But he says he won't be able to achieve kel-noreem until he talks to Daniel.*
"Hang on." Jack covered the mouthpiece with his palm. "Teal'c's asking for you. Says he can't kel-noreem until he talks to you."
Daniel sighed.
"Time to get off my ass and inspire the world, huh?"
Jack grinned. "Guess the pity party is over."
"Lame party anyway. None of the fun people came."
"Hey! I resent that."
Daniel grinned. "Tell Sam I'm on my way."
My first tag scene - interesting experience. I'll be interested to see how you all respond!
© July 8, 2001 The characters mentioned in this story are the property of Showtime and Gekko Film Corp. The Stargate, SG-I, the Goa'uld and all other characters who have appeared in the series STARGATE SG-1 together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of MGM-UA Worldwide Television, Gekko Film Corp, Glassner/Wright Double Secret Productions and Stargate SG-I Prod. Ltd. Partnership. This fanfic is not intended as an infringement upon those rights and solely meant for entertainment. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author.