CHAPTER 10 - SECRETS
Reunions
Part 1 - Prologue
Journal Entry, Earth
Tomorrow it will be one Abydos year to the day when I lost Sha're. I never thought, when Jack brought me back to Earth, that I would be sitting here, in an apartment, writing those words. I never thought that a year later I would be no closer to finding her than I was the day Apophis ripped her from me.
I remember when we came back through the Gate from Chulak after seeing what Apophis had done to Sha're, Jack told me we'd find her. I believed him, and I think Jack believed it, too. At the time, I don't think either one of us stopped to consider all the billions of possible planets there are out there where Apophis could be hiding. If I let myself think of that... well, I don't let myself think of it. I keep hoping that the next planet we visit will be the one, and I'll never stop hoping that.
I approached Jack today about going back to Abydos. If I don't, Kasuf will bury the Gate as I told them to, and we'll never be able to go back. Jack agrees we should go back, but he wanted to send another SG team. It seems he and Sam are flying to Washington tomorrow to receive medals for their part in saving Earth from Apophis' attack, so he and Sam won't be able to come along. I tried to explain to him that I can't send strangers to tell Kasuf about Sha're. I need to do that myself. I owe him that.
It took a lot of talking to persuade Jack to let me go back with just Teal'c as escort. He's still not happy about it, but even he admits, while he has his duty in Washington, I have mine on Abydos, and he agreed to back me up when I made the request to General Hammond.
D. Jackson
***
Part 2 - "I couldn't possibly be safer than in the company of Teal'c."
*Jack O'Neill*
"I have nothing against you returning to Abydos, Doctor Jackson," the general says reasonably, "but Colonel O'Neill and Captain Carter are due in Washington, and I can hardly ask the President of the United States to change his schedule..."
Daniel shakes his head slightly, and I can see him gathering himself for his plea. I promised him I'd back him in his request, and I will, but I deliberately didn't pave the way for him and I'm not going to jump in now unless the general asks for my recommendation. I understand why Daniel feels he has to go back to Abydos, and I even agree with him, but his timing sucks. There's no way I can get out of that medal ceremony in Washington and that leaves Daniel with only Teal'c as bodyguard... and support system. Next to myself, Teal'c would be my choice for someone to keep Daniel safe off-world, but my mind keeps replaying all those times there were three of us around Daniel and he still managed to get into trouble. Asking one ex-First Prime of Apophis to keep our civilian linguist out of trouble, even on a supposedly safe planet, hardly seems fair.
As for the rest of it, well, I don't think it's going to be easy for Daniel to go back to the place where he and Sha're were so happy without having those memories smack him in the face. I may not be the world's greatest talker, but I have learned to listen, and I've spent a few nights both here and off-world listening when Daniel needed to talk. I'd just feel better if I were there, if for no other reason than to lend moral support.
Hell, I'd feel a whole lot better if he would just let me send another SG unit instead.
"...and I couldn't possibly be safer than in the company of Teal'c."
I see where that little revelation takes Teal'c by surprise and I smile to myself as he straightens up slightly, a gratified look in his eyes. "Thank you, Daniel Jackson."
Okay, Daniel's probably right, and I'm probably wrong. Not the first time. He'll go to Abydos with Teal'c, have his chat with Kasuf, and come back safe and sound. End of story.
Why can't I believe it's going to be that easy?
***
Part 3 - "I am not leaving her."
*Teal'c*
This has been a most difficult time for Daniel Jackson. Now Sha're is about to give birth, and in bringing forth the child, Amaunet will regain control. He cannot be allowed to remain here where his life will be in danger... yet I do not believe I will be able to force him to leave for his own safety. I do not believe even O'Neill would be able to accomplish that.
"This is where we hid from Ra, remember? Remember?"
"I remember."
"We're safe here."
He does not understand the danger he is in. "You are incorrect, Daniel Jackson. If it is Sha're that Heru'ur seeks, then he will find us. We cannot remain."
Daniel Jackson looks up at me briefly, then returns his attention to his wife. He will not hear my words. "Well, I am not leaving her."
For Daniel Jackson's sake, I try once again to make him understand his danger. "The moment the child is born, the Goa'uld within Sha're will re-emerge."
This time when he looks at me I see the fierce determination on his face. "I said I am not leaving her, Teal'c."
He will not leave Sha're, even if his loyalty leads to his death. And I will not leave him. "Then I will do what I can to keep the Horus guard away from you." I see the gratitude in his eyes, as well as the sorrow and regret; he would never ask me to stay with him, but he knows I will not leave.
***
Part 3 - "Who is this human?"
*Daniel Jackson*
This is worse than a bad plan. This is no plan at all. If Jack were here, he'd... and that's the problem. Jack and Sam will be here, could walk right into this mess any minute. That's why we had to get back here to the Gate. With any luck, I can keep Heru'ur talking and maybe even find out something useful. At the very least I can hopefully keep him distracted if Jack and Sam do make an appearance. If that doesn't work... I have absolutely no idea how we're going to get out of this. Teal'c is only here because of me, and the only thing worse than Heru'ur finding out who he really is would be for Apophis to capture him.
"He claims his people are the Tau'ri; enemies of Apophis."
Heru'ur studies me like something he's just scraped off the bottom of his shoe. "You? Among the warriors who defeated Apophis?"
I meet his gaze squarely and try to force the right note of cockiness into my tone. Having observed Jack these last few years gives me a pretty good role model. "As a matter of fact I was." That gets Heru'ur's attention. Good. Now if I can just keep it. "The Tau'ri are stronger than you think. An alliance would prove extremely useful to both of us, against our common enemy."
"Alliance?" A twisted sneer appears on Heru'ur's lips. "You are nothing. Your world is nothing. Once I have conquered Apophis, I will make slaves of your people. You will serve me."
This has been one helluva day, and I've taken about as much as I can take. The sight of this haughty, evil being standing in front of me, the same type of monster that stole my wife and has destroyed so many lives, pushes me to the very edge of recklessness. The instant before I open my mouth, the thought flashes through my mind: is this how Jack feels when he faces a System Lord? I've never seen fear in his eyes, only contempt for what they are, and his own brand of arrogant resistance.
You will make slaves of my people? We will serve you? I can almost hear Jack's response to that: In your dreams, Snake Head. "No..." I say slowly, pretending to give it due consideration, "I don't think so." I do everything but shrug.
I can feel disapproval radiating off Teal'c in waves and realize, a little late, that this is probably not the best time to perfect my Jack O'Neill impersonation.
Apparently Heru'ur doesn't think so either. He draws himself up angrily, "Kneel before your god."
I give Teal'c no choice but to clip me behind the leg and send me to my knees. I give a little grunt, even though I've been expecting it, and look up to find Heru'ur raising his ribbon device. Oh, way to distract him, Jackson. He can spend the next several eternities melting your brain -- after he kills Teal'c, of course, because no way is Teal'c going to stand by and let this happen without a fight, even if he is outnumbered four to one.
As Heru'ur stretches out his hand in front of my face, one last thought flashes through my mind: Jack's gonna be so pissed...
As I brace myself for the inevitable, the sound of the Gate activating grabs everyone's attention. Heru'ur forgets me and turns to the Gate with anticipation. "Apophis comes. Stand ready!"
Apophis? Or Jack and Sam? If it's Apophis, maybe the two System Lords will kill one another. But I don't have that kind of luck. More likely one of them will be left alive and Teal'c and I will still be in the same fix we're in now. If it's Jack and Sam? Oh god. They're not expecting trouble, and they're outnumbered, and --
And all hell breaks loose as Teal'c takes on the Horus guards. Still kneeling at his side, I see Heru'ur engage his personal force field.
It's Jack and Sam, and for once I bless Jack's military never-take-anything-for-granted mindset, because they both come through the Gate with weapons at the ready. But even so, they're not prepared for the firefight they walk into. I see Jack and Sam dive to one side even as Heru'ur raises his ribbon device. They'll never make it.
Shooting to my feet, I use my momentum to slam myself into Heru'ur and deflect his arm, giving Jack and Sam a few precious seconds to get to safety. But a few seconds is all I gain because the next thing I know something hits me hard and I'm seeing stars.
Part 4 - "Are you all right?"
"No. No, I'm not. But I will be."
*Jack O'Neill*
"Someone want to explain to me what just happened?"
In other words, would someone like to tell me how Daniel's visit to his father-in-law on supposedly safe Abydos ends up with him being knocked halfway across the room by our old pal, Heru'ur? I have my back turned for, what -- a day and a half? -- and step through the Gate to find Daniel on his knees and a Jaffa welcome wagon waiting to greet us. What's really scary is that Teal'c -- a guy who would die before he let anything happen to the kid -- is with him and Daniel still manages to turn himself in a Goa'uld magnet.
Reminding myself that probably isn't being fair to Daniel, I stride over to where he's still stretched out on the floor, shaking his head dazedly. Fair or not, he can forget about any more off-planet jaunts without the entire team along to keep track of him.
Bending over, I take his arm and help him to his feet. He looks a little unfocused, and from the way Heru'ur smacked him, I'm betting he's got a bit of a concussion. "We should get outta here." Which is the understatement of the Abydos year.
No sooner have the words left my mouth than the sound of the Stargate activating brings us all around.
"Apophis," Daniel says wearily.
I snap around to face him. "What?" His eyes meet mine briefly, and there's a look of such utter... desolation in his eyes I'm momentarily stopped in my tracks. What the hell happened here? But there's no time to wonder about it further.
"We must cover ourselves," Teal'c announces urgently, and Daniel obediently turns and follows him to cover. An obedient Daniel Jackson? I wonder briefly if Carter and I haven't stumbled into an alternate reality...
I wait long enough to make sure Teal'c and Daniel are concealed, then follow Carter. No sooner are we out of sight than ol' Snakeboy steps through the Gate. I feel my finger tighten on the trigger of my rifle, but it's only wishful thinking. We're way outgunned and outmanned here, and the most I can hope for is that we can stay hidden until Apophis does whatever he came to do and then -- wait a minute; just how the hell did Daniel know it was Apophis?
There's the sound of a female voice with that distinctive Goa'uld undertone and a moment later I'm biting back a curse as the female in question walks into view. Sha're. For cryin' out loud. No wonder Daniel looks like he's been pole-axed. I send a glance in his direction and see he's got his eyes glued to her, his face even paler than when I helped him off the floor. Teal'c is hovering over him like some avenging angel and I'm starting to get a picture of what must have gone on here while I was in Washington, thinking Daniel was having a couple of peaceful days in the sun. Christ, what a family reunion this turned out to be.
"Where is the child?"
The child? I hear Carter draw in a sharp breath as we both put Apophis and Sha're together and come up with... Oh, boy. What a time for you to come visiting, Danny. Intellectually he had to have known that Apophis hadn't taken Sha're to be just a traveling companion, but knowing Daniel he had probably fought not to let his mind travel too far down that particular path. Nothing like having it thrown in your face, though.
Apophis touches Sha're's face in a strangely gentle -- and intimate -- gesture, and all I can think about is what this must be doing to Daniel. Then, as Apophis snaps out some orders, she turns her head slightly and I see her look directly at Daniel and Teal'c's hiding place. My hand tightens around my rifle and I feel Carter tense. If Sha're gives them away, we're going to have to move fast...
But she doesn't. She looks right at them, right at Daniel, but she doesn't say a word. A moment later, she, Apophis and the Serpent guards have all gone through the Stargate.
Carter is out like a shot, and I follow more slowly, my attention on Daniel as he steps into the open, his eyes locked on the Stargate.
"Sir, there's still a Goa'uld ship on top of us," Carter reminds me.
I nod, keeping an eye on the Gate to make sure no one is making a surprise return visit. "Dial us home, Captain, please." When I look back at Daniel he's still staring at the empty Gate. "You all right?" I ask quietly.
When he answers, there's a note of fierceness in his voice that I've never heard there before. "No, no I'm not." Then he seems to collect himself and tears his attention away from the activating Gate to look at me, determination hardening his eyes, "But I will be."
"She looked directly at us, Daniel Jackson," Teal'c notes, "and she did not reveal our position."
Daniel seems to consider that and nods slightly, but I don't think he's quite running on all cylinders here. He still staring at that damn Gate where his wife disappeared like it holds the answer to the meaning of life. I lay a hand on his shoulder and give it a gentle pat. "Let's go home," I say softly.
I'm waiting for him as he steps onto the ramp at the SGC, and it's a good thing someone is. A journey through the Stargate can scramble your balance at the best of times; to someone still reeling from the effects of being knocked across a room, not to mention a reunion with your Goa'uld-possessed wife, it can knock you flat on your ass. Which is exactly what would have happened to Daniel if I hadn't been here to grab him.
He's still got that same stunned look on his face that he had on the other side of the Gate, and he stumbles a little as I lead him down the ramp, my hand clamped firmly around one elbow to keep him steady. When we reach the bottom he seems to come to himself and looks down at my hand with a puzzled frown. He gives his arm an annoyed little tug that would no way get him loose under normal conditions, but I see General Hammond heading our way, his face one big question mark, and I open my hand and release Daniel's arm. I don't want to get into a tug of war with him here in the Gateroom.
There's no question that Daniel is not in the same shape he was when he left here, and the general turns to him first, "Doctor Jackson? What happened on Abydos?"
I really wish the general hadn't asked that. Daniel's jaw tightens and he looks away. Before Hammond can ask again, I answer, "We ran into a little trouble, sir. Apophis."
At the sound of that name, Daniel flinches, but he's not meeting anyone's eyes, and he's sure not going to tell Hammond anything here in front of everyone.
I sigh, keeping one eye on Daniel while turning my attention to the general. "Sir, Teal'c needs to get to the infirmary. And Daniel --"
At that point, without a word, and without looking at anyone, Daniel simply leaves. I don't even have to look to know that once outside the doorway he's turned in the wrong direction for the infirmary, and I don't have to read minds to know it was deliberate.
Carter is looking after him with a worried frown, then turns to me, clearly torn, "Sir, should I --?"
I shake my head. Carter's way of dealing with a stubborn Daniel Jackson is to try to win him over with logic and appeal to his good nature. With Daniel, that usually works. But I have a gut feeling it's going to take more than logic and appeals to get through to him this time.
"Colonel?"
The general is clearly waiting for an explanation and I sigh, taking off my hat and scrubbing a hand through my hair. This day sure went to hell in a handbasket in record time. "Sir, I'd like to request we delay the de-briefing until tomorrow, and I also request we excuse Daniel; Teal'c can tell us everything we need to know. It wouldn't serve any purpose to put Daniel through that." When the general opens his mouth to ask, I tell him quietly, "Sha're was there."
Understanding fills his eyes, and he nods. "Very well, Colonel."
Hammond is a hell of a commanding officer. He's protective of his people, fair, tough when he has to be, and compassionate. When Daniel entered the Program he was something of a mystery to Hammond -- hell, sometimes he's still a mystery to me -- but I think the general has developed a kind of soft spot for our boy genius, and like the rest of us, looks out for him in his own way. He needs to know for the record what happened on Abydos, but he won't put Daniel through that painful debriefing if he doesn’t have to.
At a nod from Hammond we're excused, and I send Carter to accompany Teal'c to the infirmary. I follow after stopping to make a phone call to the main gate; I don't know what Daniel had in mind by bolting like he did, but I make sure he's not going to leave the Mountain without my okay.
A half hour later, assured that Junior is doing its usual efficient job of healing the damage to Teal'c's arm, and having fully debriefed Teal'c about what happened on Abydos, I leave the infirmary to begin my search for Daniel. I've barely started when I get the message that the guard at the main gate is entertaining a very pissed off Daniel Jackson, who's just discovered he's confined to base.
Wonderful. With a sigh, I head for the nearest elevator to go topside.
Everyone at the SGC knows Daniel. He might be surprised to learn that, but he's both liked and respected on every level here. With the exception of Hammond, rank doesn't register with Daniel and he treats everyone the same from Airman Anonymous to Colonel 'Semper Fi!' Makepeace. He's genuinely interested in people, listens when they talk to him, remembers their names, asks after their families, thanks them when they help him -- and he is unfailingly polite, no matter how stressed the situation or how exhausted he is.
With a reputation like that preceding Daniel, it's no wonder the airman whose duty it is to keep him from leaving the base is looking distinctly frazzled. My guess is our linguist said some very un-Daniel-like things to him that he'll be apologizing for later.
But right now, Daniel is steaming. He hasn't even bothered to change into civvies and is still in his tee shirt and pants, both of which have taken quite a beating. He's standing apart from the airman, arms wrapped around his chest, and when he sees me he raises his chin defiantly. "Jack, what the hell is going on?" he demands. I nod dismissal at the airman and he scurries off gratefully as Daniel glares at me. "He says I can't leave the base."
"Not so, Daniel," I say casually. "I'll be glad to take you anywhere you want to go, after you report to the infirmary and Doc Fraiser checks you out."
I hope to distract him by throwing Doc Fraiser at him, but this is Daniel we're talking about; I've seen him carry on three simultaneous conversations, in two different languages, without batting an eye. There's only one tried and true way to distract Daniel that I know of. Where the hell is an artifact when you need one?
"I can drive myself, Jack." He's trying to maintain his anger, but I know he's not really angry at me. Underneath it all I see the combination of bone-weariness and anguish that is making him almost sway on his feet, and my heart goes out to this kid who, once again, has had to take it on the chin. I don't blame him one bit for wanting to get away from this place as far and as fast as he can, but there's no way he's leaving before I know he's medically fit, and no way in hell he's driving himself down this mountain road the shape he's in.
Laying a hand lightly on his back, I give him a gentle push toward the elevator. "You're not going anywhere until you're checked out," I point out calmly. "You know the rules, Daniel; you go off-world, you get checked out, even if you don't get flattened by a Goa'uld."
"I'm okay, Jack," he mutters irritably, rubbing his forehead in a sure sign of a headache.
"Then there won't be a problem, will there?" I point out reasonably, jabbing the appropriate button on the elevator.
Janet Fraiser flicks off her little penlight and gives Daniel an encouraging smile. "Well, no concussion."
Daniel shoots me an 'I-told-you-so' look that I choose to ignore as I push myself away from the wall and walk over to join them.
"So I'm free to go?" he asks, and hops down off the examining table. That isn't the smartest move he could make with an audience because it obviously jars his head and the Doc and I both see the wince before he can mask it.
"How bad is the headache, Daniel?" Fraiser asks immediately.
"I don't have --" The automatic denial dies on his lips when Fraiser fixes him with a no-nonsense look and a glint in her eye that promises dire consequences if he even thinks about lying to her. "All I need is some Tylenol," he mumbles ungraciously.
"If you don't mind, I'll be the doctor, Doctor," Fraiser replies crisply, but I can see her hands are wonderfully gentle as she carefully skims her fingers over his skull. After a few moments she steps back with a little nod to herself and I assume she hasn't found any cracks in that hard head of his. "All right, Daniel," she says, and her voice is softer, "I'm going to give you something a little stronger than Tylenol, because I think this headache is probably a notch or two above the Tylenol level, isn't it?" After a brief hesitation, Daniel nods reluctantly. Fraiser lets her laser gaze rest on him a moment longer, then turns away and walks across the room to unlock a drug cabinet.
When she returns, she hands him a glass of water and drops a capsule into his hand, then gives me a little plastic square containing another. "Take one now," she orders, "another in six hours if this one doesn't do the trick." After he obediently swallows the pill, she adds, "It's going to make you drowsy, so absolutely no driving --"
Daniel's head shoots up. "Drowsy? You didn't tell me --"
"And you didn't tell me you were suffering from a headache," Fraiser interrupts, unperturbed. "Teal'c said you didn't get any sleep --"
Daniel waves that aside impatiently. "Oh, 'Teal'c said'. I guess if Teal'c said..." He trails off and turns wide, suddenly guilty eyes on Fraiser. "Is Teal'c okay?"
"Teal'c is fine," she says carefully. "His larval Goa'uld has already repaired the damage, and he's resting."
Daniel lets out a deep sigh and he runs a hand through his hair, mumbling, "I forgot he was hurt. I can't believe I forgot he was hurt. Where the hell is my head? He's practically killed trying to save me and --"
Guilt 101. Nobody teaches it better than Professor Jackson. "Daniel, Teal'c is fine," I tell him firmly. "I've already checked on him." I turn to Fraiser and ask deliberately, "Are you going to keep Daniel here?"
I can see by her face that she's considering it, if for no other reason than to teach him a lesson, but she says, "I don't think that's necessary, Colonel. However, he's not allowed to drive for at least twenty-four hours, and what he needs more than anything right now is some sleep."
"Do you two mind not talking about me as if I weren't here?"
I carefully hide my grin at the real irritation in Daniel's voice. We managed to get his mind off Abydos for a little while anyhow. "I think Doc Fraiser's done with you anyhow, right Doc?"
She nods, and pats him gently on the arm. "Try to get some sleep, Daniel."
There's just enough anger and exhaustion left in Daniel for him to mutter rebelliously, "Well, you haven't really given me much of a choice, have you?"
Okay, we're outta here before Doc decides to admit him overnight just on general principle. I don't want to have to argue with her, but I really don't think this is the place for him tonight. Taking him by the arm, I tug him toward the door. "Say good-night, Daniel," I order, then make sure I get him out of there before he can actually say it.
In the hallway he once again pulls his arm free, then lists to one side as the support is gone. "Whoa..."
I casually take his arm again to steady him. "Pill kicking in?"
He nods cautiously. "Yeah, I guess. And I haven't really eaten anything or slept..."
What's new? "You have any food in at your place?"
His face scrunches up in concentration. "I'm not sure," he admits finally.
I sigh. Again, what's new? "My place then," I decide.
His feet stumble to a stop and he looks at me with a slight frown. "Jack, you don't have to --"
"I know I don't." I let it go at that, and finally I see the tense muscles in his face relax and something like relief in the back of his eyes. There's a part of Daniel that wants to fall back on old habits, wants to hide from everyone and lick his wounds in private, because in the past he's had no choice. But there's another part to Daniel now, a part I think Carter, Teal'c and myself have had something to do with: the part that recognizes, finally, that he doesn't have to be alone when he's hurting. A part that realizes we are always here for him, even if there's nothing we can do except feed him and make sure he rests when he needs to. He's showing real progress, because that's the part that wins.
"Okay." From somewhere, he manages to dredge up a small, but heartfelt smile. "Thanks."
"No problem." I slide an arm around his shoulders and get him moving again. "Let's get you home."
Part 5 - Epilog
Journal entry, Earth
Sometimes I think Jack should write a book: The Care and Feeding of Archaeologists. God knows, he gets enough practice.
When I came back from Abydos this time, after losing Sha're again, I was so full of anger all I wanted to do was lash out and hurt someone as badly as I'd been hurt. I know that's a very human reaction, but that doesn't make me feel any better right now.
Jack, of course, placed himself between me and everyone else and took me home with him, got some hot food into me, and then settled me in his spare room. I slept for twelve straight hours.
When I woke up my headache was gone, but I was still angry, still not someone I would want to be around. Jack took it all in stride, ignored my bad disposition, and somehow managed to get even more hot food into me. Then, out of the blue, he casually suggested I might want to help him do some yard work -- I might even find some nice rocks out there, he added innocently.
After choking down my initial retort, I suddenly realized that hacking at bushes with sharp instruments was somehow rather appealing. The next thing I knew we were both out in his yard attacking his shrubbery with shears. I took a kind of savage pleasure in hacking off boughs and snapping through branches, seeing Apophis' face every time I sliced those shears. I'm sure some of Jack's bushes will never recover from what I did to them.
By the time I made it halfway around his yard, I was soaked in sweat, calmer, and realized I'd worked through the worst of my anger. It still hurt, even worse than when Sha're had been taken from me the first time, but I was no longer a hostage to my rage. It was like waking up. And it wasn't until then that I noticed something I should have seen earlier: Jack was wielding his shears in the same savage way as I had been, his face grim as he bore down on those helpless shrubs.
I'm ashamed that I hadn't noticed it until then. I was so engrossed in my own pain and anger that I hadn't seen that Jack was carrying around his own. I followed him around the yard, keeping an eye on him and seeing things I hadn't noticed before, like how tired he looked. I at least had the benefit of twelve hours of sleep, thanks to Janet's magic pill; I began to wonder if Jack had slept at all.
After we finished in the yard, we cleaned up and had a beer, then I told Jack I thought I was ready to go home.
Jack didn't have much to say on the ride back to my place. When we arrived, I asked him to come in, and he did so without hesitation, obviously thinking I didn't want to be alone.
Once inside, I made some coffee and he just hung around, waiting for me to talk if that was what I wanted to do. I spent the time in the kitchen trying to figure out what might be wrong, and how to find out. Sam and Teal'c were both okay, so I knew it wasn't them. He'd had me close by since we got back from Abydos, so I knew that for a change it wasn't me, either. Since the only time we'd been apart over the last couple of days was when he went to Washington, I decided to start there.
When we were settled in the living room, coffee cups in hand, I asked casually, "So, tell me about the medals ceremony."
If I hadn't been watching for it, I would have missed it. His face went completely still for an instant, then he shrugged. "You know. Same old, same old."
"No, actually, I don't know," I pressed. "I'd like to hear about it. What did the President say?"
"Actually... he didn't say anything." When I raised my eyebrows in inquiry, Jack gave his hand a negligent wave. "There was an... accident, and things got off schedule and..." His voice trailed off and he looked down, not meeting my eyes.
Leaning toward him, I said his name quietly. After a moment he looked up, reluctantly meeting my gaze. There was such anguish in his eyes I think I caught my breath. "Jack, for God's sake, please tell me what's wrong."
He pressed his lips tightly together for a moment, then suddenly he started talking and the whole ugly story came spilling out. I didn't say a word, just listened and watched as he punctuated words with angry jabs of his hand. Then at the end, his voice dropped to a whisper.
"...and he looked right at me, and he said, 'You did this.'"
Reaching out, I laid a hand on his arm, and he looked up. "Jack, that wasn't your fault," I said firmly.
"Wasn't it?"
"How could it be?"
He rubbed his forehead and I wondered how bad his headache was. "I went to Hammond..."
"So would I," I said quickly. "So would Sam. If any one of us had been approached by a reporter with that kind of information, we'd be required to report it. You know that."
He nodded slowly, but now he was rubbing the back of his neck. "What if it wasn't an accident, Daniel?"
"That still doesn't make it your fault," I pointed out, although the idea of that reporter's death being machinated by some shadowy military power made me feel sick inside.
Jack looked me right in the eye. "Daniel, if his death wasn't an accident, that means I work for the sons of bitches who ordered it. Hell, so do you!"
In spite of the fact I pretty much live on a military base, cash a government paycheck, wear clothes provided by the military, more or less follow the orders of a 'commanding officer', and am called a 'civilian specialist for the Air Force', I've always managed to deny, at least to myself, that I work for the military. But what Jack just said cut through that fine little web of self-deception and left me staring at him, horrified. But I gathered myself damn fast because Jack did not need my alarm heaped on top of his own rage.
"And maybe," I said carefully, "it was just an accident, Jack."
He grunted and took a drink of coffee. "Maybe." Then he looked over at me somewhat guiltily and sighed. "Look, I'm sorry. I really didn't mean to lay all that on you."
"I'm glad you did." I'm a little surprised he did, but I'm very glad. It's about time Jack realized this friendship thing went both ways. "Are you going to be okay?"
I think the question took him by surprise, but his body did seem to relax a little and he slowly nodded. "Yeah, I'll be okay." Then he frowned into his cup of cooling coffee. "Guess I'll never know for sure..."
"Can you live with that?" I asked him quietly.
"I've lived with worse," he murmured grimly. Then he seemed to shake himself out of his mood and managed a smile. "But the good news is you and Teal'c are back home in one piece." He hesitated a moment, then offered softly, "Sorry about Sha're, Danny."
"I... I got to be with her for a while." I stumbled, not quite sure how to express the tangle of emotions inside me. "I'm very grateful for that time with her, but then when I lost her again, it made it..."
"Worse," Jack supplied.
"Yeah." I drew a deep breath and sat up a little straighter. "Still, something of the host survives. She didn't betray us when she left."
"We'll find her again, Daniel."
Jack's voice was firm, his face set in that determined way I'd seen so many times when we'd been faced with seemingly impossible odds on missions. I nodded, shying away from that knot of doubt and fear inside me that was ready to explode at the first sign of my uncertainty. "I know."
Jack stayed long enough to finish the coffee in the pot, then when were each sure the other was reasonably okay, he left to go home. He seemed a little more at peace by the time he left, so I'm hoping he'll be able to get some sleep now.
After Jack left, Sam called to check on me. As we talked I could tell something was wrong, but she was trying very hard to hide it. I asked her to come over, hinting I didn't want to be alone, and being the good friend that she is, she's on her way over right now. I know that was playing dirty, but I can always tell when something is bothering her, and it's really worrying me that she ignored every opening I gave her over the phone to tell me what was going on. Well, whether she needs an ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on or even someone to yell at, I'm going to make sure she knows I'm here to offer it.
My friends have been here for me so many times, it's good to be able to return the favor for a change.
D. Jackson
© January 20, 2000 The characters mentioned in this story are the property of Showtime and Gekko Film Corp. The Stargate, SG-I, the Goa’uld and all other characters who have appeared in the series STARGATE SG-1 together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of MGM-UA Worldwide Television, Gekko Film Corp, Glassner/Wright Double Secret Productions and Stargate SG-I Prod. Ltd. Partnership. This fanfic is not intended as an infringement upon those rights and solely meant for entertainment. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author.