CHAPTER 14 - FOREVER IN A DAY/PAST AND PRESENT

War and Peace

Part 1 - Prologue

Journal Entry, Earth

We've just received an emergency signal. from Kasuf. Amaunet is on Abydos and has taken a number of Abydonians prisoner. He managed to get a transmission out before he was captured. SG-1 is going in, along with three other SG units. This may be it. This may finally be my chance to save Sha're. We leave in ten minutes.

D. Jackson

***

Part 2 - Forever In a Day

(' War'...)

*Jack O'Neill*

Teal'c said he would be fine. Janet Fraiser said he should be fine. Neither one of them really has any damn clue if that's true. No sooner had the words left Teal'c's mouth on P8X873 than Daniel passed out in front of us, his fingers still touching his dead wife's face. Janet gave her prognosis almost four hours ago; he's still unconscious, and she has no idea how long he's going to stay that way.

None of that sounds like 'fine' to me.

I walk over to Daniel's bed yet again and look down at him. It's late and this part of the infirmary is quiet, Fraiser having installed him over here to give him some privacy when he wakes. I've sent the rest of the team off to get some sleep, but I'm here for the duration. His wife, the woman he's been searching for these last three years, is dead, and I need to be here for him when he opens his eyes. If he remembers what happened - and at this point I don't know whether to hope he does or not -- I'm not sure what kind of reaction to expect. Not only was Sha're killed right in front of him, she was killed by a man Daniel calls a friend.

Teal'c said Daniel was about two seconds away from dying under that ribbon device when he fired the shot that killed Sha're, and from the looks of Daniel, I believe it. Teal'c doesn't do things on impulse. He knew how important Sha're was to Daniel; if he shot her, then he had no choice, and he did it to save Daniel's life. I'm sorry Sha're's dead, but I would have done the same thing. But will Daniel accept that? Teal'c said Daniel told him he did the right thing before Carter and I burst into the tent, but after having his brains scrambled by that ribbon device, how coherent could he have been?

There's another problem, too. If he doesn't remember what happened when he wakes up, then I guess it's up to me, as both his closest friend and C.O., to tell him. Fraiser swears there was no brain damage so if he doesn't remember what happened, it would likely be due to shock. Like he hasn't had enough of those in his life. It might be better for him if he doesn't remember those last moments with Sha're as Amaunet, but I'm not looking forward to breaking the news to him if he doesn't.

I sit down beside him and study the red blotches on his otherwise pale face. He looks like he's just taking a nap after being out in the sun too long. I wish. How many times does this make with the ribbon device, Dannyboy? That first time with Ra. You told me it was like having a giant mixer inside your head scrambling your brains as if they were eggs. You can't think, can't move, can't breathe. You feel this incredibly intense pressure building from inside you as it short-circuits all your internal systems. Fraiser likens it to being hit by a jolt of electricity that just goes on and on. Then there was the time with Klorel when I hesitated almost too long before pulling the trigger thinking I could save you both if I could just get through to Skaara. And now this, almost getting fried by your wife. This one was close, Danny. This one was way too close. You've gotta stop doing this to your old colonel.

I sink back into the chair with a sigh and rub my eyes. Just when I think I might be able to slip in forty winks, I hear the rustle of bed sheets. Sitting up immediately, I see him blinking, slowly resurfacing to consciousness. "Daniel?" I get to my feet and lean over so he can see me. "Hey."

Hazy blue eyes gaze at me for a long moment before they begin to clear. His voice a little shaky, he whispers my name. As I touch his arm, he takes a deep, unsteady breath and his eyes lock with mine. "Sha're's dead."

The leap of joy my heart makes at the fact he recognizes me is tempered somewhat by the realization that he remembers what happened. I squeeze his arm gently. "Yeah. I'm sorry, Danny. Teal'c didn't have any choice."

"I know."

His voice is hoarse, but there is no anger in it, just a sort of subdued acceptance. Part of me is relieved and part of me wonders uneasily if this is a good reaction. I give his arm a pat, "I'm just gonna go get Fraiser -"

"No!" His fingers latch on to the material of my shirt. "I have to talk to you, Jack," he insists urgently. "I have to tell you -"

"I'll listen to anything you want to tell me," I promise, "but I want to have the doc take a look at you first."

"This is important, Jack. Please."

Okay, he's got me. He hits me with that pleading gaze and adds the most heartfelt 'please' you can imagine. I'd have to be made of stone to walk away from him now. Hooking my foot around the rung of the chair, I slide it over and drop down right beside him, allowing him to keep his grip on my arm. "Okay," I say quietly, "what do you need to talk about?" I've got an unsettled feeling about this; probably because he's not reacting the way you'd expect someone to react who's just lost his wife, not to mention someone who's seen his wife killed by a friend and was knocked unconscious by a Goa'uld ribbon device on top of it all. I expected him to be confused, angry, in shock with grief, or any combination thereof. But he seems too calm. It could still be shock, but he doesn't look like he's in shock. In fact...I suddenly have a chilling flashback: this is exactly the way he looked when he was lying here trying to convince me nine dead Goa'uld wanted him for a host. That earnest expression on his face, the serious/anxious look in his eyes as he tried to convince me to believe him.

His voice is as calm and as insistent as it was then. "Jack, Sha're was communicating with me. When Amaunet was trying to kill me, Sha're was somehow able to communicate with me."

I don’t react to that right away. I clear my throat, look away for a moment, and then say carefully, "Communicate? Daniel, it was a ribbon device. Those things kill, they don't --"

"We don’t know they can't be used for communication," he breaks in impatiently. "Sam's used one. She knows what it feels like. Maybe Jolinar knew how to do it. Or maybe Teal'c or the Tok'ra --"

"Okay, okay," I hold up my hand to stop the agitated flow of words. "Let's forget that for a minute. You say Sha're was communicating with you?" I know I'm going to regret asking this, but he's going to tell me anyway. "What exactly did she...say?"

There was no way I could completely hide the skepticism in my tone, and he throws me a hurt/reproachful look, then frowns at the bed cover. "It was like a dream... or a lot of dreams."

Dreams. Oh boy...

"She told me I had to find the boy."

"The boy?"

He looks up at me. "Her son. The baby I delivered on Abydos."

"Amaunet and Apophis' child?" I ask carefully.

His mouth firms for a moment, then he gives his head a brief nod. "Yes." His grip on the material of my shirt sleeve tightens as he goes into high gear, "Jack, I promised her I'd find the boy. She told me Amaunet took him to Kheb. I thought Kheb was a myth. I mean, there's a reference in Budge about Kheb as the place where Osiris hid from Seth, which has always been believed to be a myth, but she said it really exists. We have to find Kheb, and we have to find the boy because --"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Daniel, slow down, okay?"

But Daniel isn't slowing down one bit; if anything, he's speeding up, and he actually comes up off the bed in his effort to convince me he's in his right mind. "Jack, we can find it, I know we can. But we have to start right away. It's vital we find the boy --"

"Okay, okay." I untangle his fingers from my shirt and gently but firmly push him back until he's lying down once again. "We'll talk about this later, Daniel." When he immediately opens his mouth to object, I hold up my index finger in warning. "Ah ah." He's glowering at me, but he clamps his mouth shut. With a sigh, I lay a hand on his shoulder. "Daniel, you nearly died," I said seriously. "What you need right now is rest."

"You don't understand --"

"What I understand is that you nearly died," I repeat, more forcefully this time. At his wide-eyed look, I rub my forehead, wondering when I got this headache. "And you've been unconscious for over four hours," I continue in a calmer and hopefully more soothing voice. "So, humor me here, and get some sleep, okay? I'll be back later."

As I stand up, Daniel asks very quietly, "Where's Sha're?"

For a heart-stopping instant I wonder if he's confused about what happened, but then I realize he's asking about her body. "We brought her back here," I assure him.

"She's in the morgue, isn't she?"

I nod. "Yeah."

"I want to see her, Jack."

"Of course," I agree immediately, "after you get some rest."

"Why can't you just get a wheelchair and take me down there?" Before I can point out he isn't exactly up to any trips right now, especially to see his dead wife in the morgue, he hits me with, "Jack, please. I need to see her."

I crumble like rotten wood. It may not be the best idea in the world, but I know him well enough to know he's not going to rest until he does see Sha're. And perhaps seeing her will give him a much-needed jolt of reality. That may sound pretty cold but better that than having him hang onto the idea that Sha're was giving him 'messages' while Amaunet was frying his brain. I can appreciate wishful thinking, but it will be a lot better for him if he just accepts the facts, does his grieving, and moves on with his life. In the long run, that's the best thing for him.

It takes some convincing to get Fraiser to go along with it, but she finally does provide a wheelchair and fixes up his IV so he's mobile. The base is quiet at this time of night, so Daniel and I pretty much have the corridors to ourselves as I wheel him to the morgue. He's silent, eyes staring straight ahead, the only sound the whishing of the wheels as they turn.

I'd called ahead and given the attendant some pretty explicit instructions so he's waiting by Sha're's covered body when we get there. I push Daniel over by her side, set the brake to the chair and nod at the orderly. Slowly, gently, he removes the sheet covering her still form.

Sha're. I'd only seen the body for a few minutes in the tent, and even during that time my whole attention was on Daniel, so I really didn't get a good look at her. I look now, and I remember the pretty, shy, resourceful young woman of Abydos who fell head over heels in love with the geeky linguist who saved my life and helped free them from Ra's tyranny. It occurs to me suddenly that this is the first time since she was taken by Apophis that I've seen her as Sha're. On Chulak, when Daniel offered himself as a host, she was Amaunet as she was on Abydos after she gave birth. In three years those are the only two times I've seen her, and I didn't see a glimpse of Sha're either time. But I see Sha're now, and I'm reminded all over again of that promise I made to Daniel when we got back from Chulak: I said we'd find her. And, of course, Daniel believed me.

There's no immediate reaction from Daniel when Sha're's body is uncovered, but finally he reaches out and touches her face just as he did in the tent. At a look from me, the orderly steps away, and I turn away too, giving Daniel his privacy. After several minutes of silence I hear a whispered, "I promise."

With a silent sigh I turn back to find him sitting back in the chair, his hands clenched in his lap. He's white under those burns on his face, and I can see his hands are shaking a little. Fraiser's very precise threats of what I could look forward to if I bring Daniel back in worse shape than I took him come back to me in a flash. I lay a hand on his shoulder and ask, "You okay?"

When he nods, I wait until Sha're is once again covered, then silently wheel him out of the room and back to the infirmary.

***

Needless to say, Fraiser isn't very happy with me when I bring Daniel back looking worse than when he'd left. . But she contents herself with a pointed glare in my direction and then goes about giving Daniel a short exam and a sedative. He's asleep within minutes, and Fraiser and I are left looking at each other

"What's wrong?" she asks, frowning.

Before I can answer, there's a familiar voice from the doorway. "Colonel?"

Teal'c and Carter are up bright and early just as I expected and here to check on Daniel. I look at Fraiser and then my team members. "We have to talk."

Their gaze immediately tracks to the man now sleeping deeply in his bed, then back to me. I can see by her face Carter is fairly busting to ask a question, but I jerk my head toward Fraiser's office and everyone follows me in without a word. Once Fraiser is seated behind her desk and I'm in the chair in front, I say, "You first, Doc."

Fraiser looks at me a little oddly, but begins, "I spoke to Daniel briefly and, although he was very tired -- a result of the effects of the ribbon device -- he was coherent and lucid."

"No brain damage?" Carter asks quickly.

Fraiser shakes her head. "Our tests confirm that." Then she turns her gaze on me, "Colonel, you spent more time with him than I did. Did you observe anything to the contrary?"

"Daniel said Sha're 'communicated' with him while Amaunet was killing him with the ribbon device," I say flatly.

There a moment of stunned silence and then Carter asks, "Communicated? In what way, sir?"

"Oh, said he had dreams...and she told him to find her son. And, of course, he promised her he would." I look up at Teal'c who hasn't said a word since entering the infirmary. "Teal'c, have you ever heard of a Goa'uld using the ribbon device to communicate or pass on messages?"

"I have never heard of such a thing, O'Neill."

Well, that's clear enough. "Carter?"

She frowns. "No, sir, but --"

"Doctor, Daniel said he had 'dreams'. How would you explain that?"

"I'd say they were very likely just dreams. He was unconscious for over four hours. After what he had been through, it certainly wouldn't be surprising that he'd dreamed about Sha're."

I rub my eyes wearily. I really should have gotten some sleep last night. "Yeah, that's pretty much what I thought. Well, we've got a little problem here, people, because Daniel thinks Sha're wants him to find her son and he's already planning our next mission."

Fraiser gives me a level look from across the desk. "Colonel, it wouldn't be wise to allow Daniel to continue believe he was receiving messages from Sha're. The sooner he accepts what happened --"

"Wait a minute, Janet." Carter takes a step forward from her place along the wall. "Just because Teal'c may never have heard of a ribbon device being used to communicate doesn't mean it can't be used that way."

"Agreed, Major," I say crisply. "But that wasn't Sha're trying to kill Daniel; it was Amaunet. She was obviously the one in charge, and I don't think she was trying to send Daniel any message other than 'wish you were dead'."

Carter shakes her head. "With all due respect, sir, I don't think we can just dismiss the possibility --"

"That Sha're was 'talking' to Daniel?" I interrupt pointedly.

"That it is possible to communicate through the ribbon device," Carter corrects firmly. "We have no evidence to the contrary." She rushes on when I open my mouth again to make a comment. "Sir, I've used a ribbon device, and we know the energy is channeled through the user's mind and emotions."

"Yes, Carter, the user uses his or her mind and emotions to send a bolt of energy through that thing to kill, not to send singing telegrams."

"I just think it would be a mistake to dismiss what Daniel is saying out-of-hand," she says quietly. "Maybe right now Daniel really needs us to believe him."

My headache edges up another notch. "You mean you think we should indulge him in his guilt-tripping?" I ask, a little sharper than I'd intended.

Carter exchanges a perplexed look with Fraiser. "Sir?"

I can't sit still any longer. Getting to my feet, I begin to pace restlessly around the small office. "For cryin' out loud, the man has spent the last three years of his life searching for his wife. He couldn't save her from being taken by Apophis, and he couldn't save her when she was standing right in front of him, and he had a gun on her. Is anyone in this room surprised he had a dream that Sha're was talking to him? Is anyone surprised he thinks he made a promise to her to find her kid?" I stop pacing and lean back against the wall, suddenly feeling very tired. "Look, I think I can say I know Daniel better than anyone here, and I can also speak from experience, and I'm telling you, he's not dealing with either his grief or his sense of failure." I give each of them a long look before saying pointedly, "And the last thing he needs in his life is another impossible quest. Am I clear?"

You could hear a pin drop. Finally, Fraiser clears her throat. "I agree."

Teal'c's face is expressionless, but I can see he's really struggling with this. He turns his gaze from me to Fraiser. "Doctor Fraiser, do you believe this course of action to be in the best interests of Daniel Jackson?"

Fraiser flicks me a quick look, then straightens her shoulders. "Yes I do, Teal'c."

"Well, I don't." Carter's got that stubborn set to her jaw that I see on Daniel's face so often, and there's a flare of anger in her eyes as she turns to me. "Daniel is my friend too, sir, and I think what he needs right now is our unconditional support."

"He needs our unconditional support to come to terms with Sha're's death," I say firmly, "and I know everyone in this room will give him that. What he does not need is encouragement in his hallucination that Sha're wants him to go looking for her kid." I'm tired, I've got the mother of all headaches, and I'm worried about Daniel. That may explain why I suddenly turn into the senior officer from hell when I push away from the wall and stand in front of Carter, deliberately invading her personal space. "Am I clear on that, Major?"

I can see the disappointment in her eyes -- disappointment in me for pulling such a low stunt -- but she raises her chin a fraction. "Yes, sir."

"Good." I throw a look at Fraiser as I leave the room. "I'll be in my quarters. Call me when Daniel's awake again." I'm out the door before she can reply.

***

Doc Fraiser's little sedative apparently did its job because I get a good five hours of sleep before an airman knocks on my door to tell me Daniel is awake and asking - rather insistently - to see me. Instead of going straight to the infirmary, I take the time to shower, shave and drink a strong cup of coffee before heading out, knowing I'm going to need all the fortification I can get before seeing him. On impulse, I grab another cup of coffee before leaving the cafeteria and take it with me. I figure Daniel can use one about now, too.

He's propped up in bed when I get there, and although the red patches still make him look like a guy with a painful sunburn, his eyes are clear and alert, and he's very obviously watching for me. I catch Fraiser's eye on the other side of the infirmary and hold up the cup to show her what I have. She frowns and looks like she's going to say something, then gives her head a reluctant nod and goes on her way.

"Hey, Daniel." I hold out the coffee, and he immediately reaches for it, then stops himself.

"I don't think I'm supposed to -"

"Clearance from the top," I tell him briskly.

"You wouldn't lie to me, would you, Jack?" he asks, shooting a glance over to where Fraiser had been standing even while he gratefully accepts the cup. "Janet has a lot of nasty ways of getting even with patients who disobey her no-coffee order." Spoken like a man who has had personal experience in that area.

I sit down by his side and watch as he takes a drink of the steaming liquid. "How are you doing?"

He doesn't answer for a moment, then says, "I'm okay."

Through the years of working side-by-side with Daniel, I've come to recognize that as Daniel-speak for: Don't push.

"I need to talk to you, Jack."

"I'm here to talk," I assure him, making myself comfortable in the chair by his bed.

His eyes flick around the infirmary. "Maybe Sam and Teal'c should -"

"They wanted to be here, but Fraiser's sticking with the one-visitor-at-a-time rule for now," I lie easily. "What did you want to talk about? You know if you want to talk to someone about Sha're, you can talk to me, Daniel. I didn't know her long, but I did know her." I'm trying to gently push him into talking about Sha're in the hopes that will be the catalyst to forcing him into facing what has happened. I never thought I'd say this, but I'd actually be relieved at this point if he ends up sobbing on my shoulder. "I'll never forget the first time I saw her on -"

"No, Jack, that isn't what I want to -" He looks away for a moment and takes a drink of coffee to give himself a little time. "I tried to tell you when I woke up." He turns his gaze back to me. "Somehow Sha're managed to send a message to me through the ribbon device."

"So you said," I reply carefully. "But, Daniel, don't you think that's a little unlikely? I

mean, Amaunet was clearly the one in charge; that's why she was trying to kill you. If Sha're had any influence at all, don't you think she would have tried to stop Amaunet from frying your brain?" I keep my whole tone completely reasonable, hoping he'll come to see this...delusion for what it is, but I see the impatience on his face.

"I didn't say she was influencing Amaunet, Jack, I said she was communicating with me."

"And that's different...how?"

He closes his eyes momentarily, and his fingers tighten so much around the styrofoam cup I debate whether or not I should take it from him before he ends up with hot coffee in his lap. "You promised you'd listen."

I promised we'd find Sha're, too. Shit, where did that come from? "I am listening, Daniel. I just think we need to see this for what it is."

He turns a hurt gaze in my direction. "'For what it is'? he echoes. "You think I was hallucinating, don't you?"

I wish he hadn't asked that. I clear my throat. "I just think -"

"No, don't tell me what you think, Jack," he breaks in, and I see the raw disappointment on his face. Damn, I hate this. "Let me tell you what she told me, all right?"

"She wants you to find her son."

"That's not all." He sets the coffee aside and leans forward, his expression intense as his eyes lock with mine. "Jack, she told me the boy was a Harcesis."

"A Har -"

"That's what they call a human child born of two Goa'uld hosts. This child would have all the knowledge of the Goa'uld when he's born - genetic memory. It's strictly forbidden for two Goa'ulds to have a child and the System Lords will be searching for him. Surely you can see what that means? Think of the knowledge he has! Think what we could learn from him!" He sinks back against the pillows, a look of triumph on his face. "Now how would I know about the Harcesis if Sha're hadn't told me?"

I hate myself, but I have to say it. "If there is such a thing as a 'Harcesis.'"

He stares at me as if he can't believe what he just heard. "Jack, I told you -"

I put a hand on his arm, and he stills immediately. "I know what you told me," I say quietly. "I listened to you; now, will you listen to me? Please?" His mouth firms in the way I've seen in the past when he's particularly angry or hurt, and he sort of shrugs out from under my hand and wraps his arms around his chest, presenting me with a tight, closed face. Oh yeah, this is going well. I rub my forehead, realizing my headache is trying to make a reappearance and take a deep breath before starting in.

"Daniel, I know what you're going through right now, and you know I know. Grief can do funny things to people. In my case... well, you know about my case. I was ready to blow up an entire planet and stand there next to the bomb when it went off. In your case... I think maybe you were wishing so hard that you had one last chance to see your wife instead of that thing in her head that you believe you actually did."

"That's ridiculous," he snaps.

"Is it? Is it any more ridiculous than the idea that Sha're used a ribbon device to send you a message while a Goa'uld was using it to murder you?" I retort bluntly.

"You do think I'm hallucinating."

"I think you're confused," I amend carefully. "I think you were damn near killed and things are all scrambled up right now."

His voice is firm, but there's an edge of desperation there too. "I'm not confused, Jack. Sha're told me about the Harcesis. She asked me to promise to find her child. She sent the boy to Kheb. Why won't you believe me?"

His voice is rising with each word, and across the infirmary I see Fraiser turn quickly to see what's going on. When she starts to take a step in our direction I give her a surreptitious hand signal to warn her to stay where she is. Daniel and I have to get through this.

"Because I think it's grief, Daniel. Because I don't think it's real. Because I don't want to see you tearing yourself up for another three years over a hallucination. That's why."

His face is white under the red patches, and I can see his hands aren't quite steady where they're clenched on top of the bed covers. I know what I've just done to him, and part of me hates myself for it, but a larger part knows this is the best thing. If he's allowed to indulge himself in this fantasy, God only knows what it'll do to him in the long run.

"You've never had any faith in me, have you, Jack?"

The question comes out of the blue. Daniel's voice is a little hoarse but detached as if he's asking for the time of day, and there's no warmth in his eyes at all.

"From the very beginning, I was just the linguist you had to have along on SG-1, but not someone you listened to or whose judgment you trusted. You'd listen to Sam or you'd listen to Teal'c, but not to me. I was tolerated, I was pacified, I was ignored, but you never respected my opinion."

You never show me any respect! Jesus. It's like listening to Sarcophagus-Daniel all over again, only this time he's not under the influence of a sarcophagus and he isn't throwing accusations at me with wild-eyed furor. He's sitting here calmly damning the way I've treated him over the last three years. "That is a load of crap, Daniel, and you know it." My own temper is beginning to flare at the unjust indictment. How in the hell can he say something like that after everything we've been through when he must know how important he is to me? And maybe he's asking himself how in the hell I can sit here after everything we've been through when I know how important I am to him and deny him what he needs most in the world right now -- for me to believe him. Because it's grief, damn it, and I know what grief can do to you if you don't face it and let it out. I know what it almost did to me, and I'll be damned if I'm going to sit by and let that happen to Daniel.

"Is it? If it were Sam telling you something like this, or Teal'c, tell me you wouldn't believe them?"

I'm not going to play his game. "Sam or Teal'c didn't tell me that, Daniel," I say coolly. "You did."

"Right. Just one more example of Doctor Jackson being flaky."

I grit my teeth. This is the first time he's ever thrown that back in my face, and he couldn't have chosen a worse moment. "I didn't say that. I said -"

"I know what you said. You said you didn't believe me. I get the message, Jack. In fact, I got it a long time ago."

"Okay, what the hell are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about you never taking anything I say seriously, I'm talking about you never believing me. Well, I've got news for you, Jack. I'm right. I've been right in the past about a lot of things, and I'm right now. Sha're did tell me about the Harcesis, she did ask me to promise to find her child, and I will do that, with or without your help."

I could say a lot of things at this point - how I know he's been right in the past, he's been right as many times as Carter has, which is pretty much all the time; how he's not going to be going on any wild goose chases unless I approve them, and that's not gonna happen; how he's not going on any missions with SG-1 unless I'm satisfied he's dealt with his grief, and I don't have to worry every minute about him having a nervous breakdown when it all crashes down on him. But I don't say any of that. Instead I say, "Daniel, I have always respected your knowledge and your abilities, and I have never given anything you've said any less weight than anything Carter has said. I know how much you've contributed to the team, not to mention the SGC, even if you don't."

He won't look at me. He's staring straight ahead, his face set in stone. "But you don’t believe me now."

I close my eyes momentarily. "No."

"Then we don't have anything else to talk about." He turns away from me and slides down in the bed. Visit over.

Sighing, I stand up and linger by his bed, reluctant to leave it like this. The point is driven home to me painfully that Daniel and I have never really argued before, and he has certainly never been deep-down angry at me like this. Not when either of us was in our right minds anyhow. Sarcophagus-Daniel doesn't count and neither does that 'plant boy' business. We bicker, we tease, we occasionally get irritated with each other, but we've never actually had the kind of argument or disagreement that could effectively destroy a friendship. The thought of that happening makes me feel sick inside. I'm just trying to protect him, like I've done on every mission since that first one to Abydos, only this time I'm trying to protect him from himself. I really hate this, but I'd hate it even more if I had to stand by again and watch him go off on yet another mission impossible. This one ended badly enough. The next one could be worse. I touch his shoulder. "I'm sorry about Sha're, Daniel," I say quietly. "I wish we could have saved her."

He doesn't respond, and I turn and leave.

***

*Samantha Carter*

I see the colonel coming out of the infirmary just as I turn the corner of the hallway. He looks... oh no. "Sir?" It takes another call before he hears me and turns, immediately setting his face into the mask he wears when he's upset or things are really, really bad.

"Carter." He hands are in his pockets in what should look like a casual pose, but he's not meeting my eyes which is always a red flag. "Going to see Daniel?"

"Yes, sir." I hold up the bag I'm carrying and force a small smile. "Brought him some of those cookies he likes so much." When the colonel doesn’t respond, I drop the smile. "How is he, sir?"

"Now might not be a... good time, Carter."

I study the colonel's face, see the careful non-expression and bleakness in his eyes, and fill in the blanks from what I know of these two men. Aside from finding Sha're, I think the thing Daniel has wanted most since I've known him has been the colonel's respect. He never seemed to realize he already had it. He must have been devastated when the colonel wouldn't believe him. As for the colonel, I can understand Daniel's frustration with him because he's often impatient when Daniel's trying to give him information. But Daniel hasn't seen what it's done to the colonel whenever he's been hurt or those time we thought he was dead. From the very beginning Colonel O'Neill has done everything in his power to protect Daniel and keep him safe. I think this is just another instance. Unfortunately, I'm sure Daniel doesn't see it that way.

"Or it might be a very good time," I say quietly. "Maybe Daniel needs someone to just listen."

I see his mouth tighten, but he gives his head a sharp bob. "I'm sure he does." He looks around. "Where's Teal'c?"

"Meditating." When the colonel cocks an inquiring eyebrow, I explain, "I don't think he's quite sure Daniel wants to see him, sir."

"Daniel doesn’t blame Teal'c."

"I hope you're right, sir."

The colonel looks away, rubbing his forehead. "Oh, I'm right, Carter. It's not Teal'c he's mad at."

He walks away, hands back in his pockets, his shoulders in a defeated slump, and I watch him until he disappears around the corner. My heart sinking, I enter the infirmary.

"Daniel?"

"Sam?" Daniel is lying on his side, back to the door, and he turns at the sound of my voice. To my relief, there's a welcoming smile on his face.

I lean over and give him a big hug. Again, to my relief, his arms snake around me and I get a little squeeze in return. "I'm sorry about Sha're, Daniel."

"I know. Thanks, Sam."

When he starts to pull back I do the same and hold out the bag of cookies. "Brought you some of those cookies you like so much: chocolate-walnut." For a long moment Daniel stares at the bag, making no move to accept it, something like confusion on his face. "Daniel?" I gently rub his shoulder. "Is something wrong?"

He seems to shake himself out of his reverie and takes the bag, carefully setting it on the bed table. "No, of course not. Thanks." I sit down on the edge of the bed and study his face. He looks tired and sad, which is no more than anyone could expect, but there is also a deep anger in his eyes. I can only imagine what might have gone on here between him and the colonel. Suddenly he looks at me, intently searching my face. "Did Jack tell you about the hand device?"

Uh oh. Here we go. "About how you believe Sha're was using it to communicate with you?" I reply cautiously. "Yes, he did."

"And?" he presses.

"And, Daniel, we don't know enough about how the hand device works to know if that's possible." It's a carefully worded answer, and Daniel recognizes it immediately for what it is. He and I have never tiptoed around each other when it comes to scientific theories. I've had to defend more than one theory to him with Daniel challenging me at every step, and I've done the same to him. Neither one of us expects any less of the other, and I consider it something of an honor that it's me Daniel usually comes to when he wants to bounce around new ideas.

There's real resentment in his voice. "Jack told you to say that, didn't he?"

I lay a hand on his arm, my voice soft. "The colonel's worried about you, Daniel. We all are." I can't hide the emotion in my voice; Daniel is closer to me than my own brother and I was terrified we had really lost him this time. "You don't know how close it was. Teal'c said another few seconds and --"

"I know, Sam, I know." My distress gets through to him like nothing else. Some of the tenseness drains from his face, leaving him looking terribly young and vulnerable, and he lays a hand over mine. "I'm okay. Really." Then, just as I'm letting my guard down, he asks in that same tone, "But it could be possible, right?"

Oh, good one, Daniel. Yes, you must be angry indeed to try to manipulate me like this. I give him a level look to let him know I know exactly what he's doing, and he does have the grace to look guilty. Good. I have an advantage over you, Doctor Jackson: I grew up with a sibling, so I know all about these little games a kid brother can play to try to get his own way. You're still learning. But you're learning very well.

"We don't know that it's not possible," I relent. There's no way I can lie to him no matter what the colonel says. The fact is, we don't know what the hand device may be capable of. Daniel and I are both scientists and neither one of us can dismiss a theory out of hand when we don't have the facts.

He sinks back into the pillow, his mouth a tight line. "Why won't he believe me, Sam? He never believes me. He treats me like I'm some kind of...of kid who never has anything important to say."

"Whoa, Daniel, wait a minute. I don't think that's true at all." It is true the colonel doesn’t have much patience sometimes with some of the things Daniel wants to tell him, and he can be abrupt when you're trying to explain anything scientific, but the colonel doesn't really want an explanation; he just wants to know if you can make it work or, in Daniel's case, if whatever Daniel is enthusing over is important to our wellbeing or whether we're likely to soon run into a hostile civilization. The colonel's motto really could be 'cut to the chase'.

"Isn't it? What about when I came back from the alternate reality and told him Apophis was coming in ships?"

"That's not fair, Daniel. Would you have believed one of us if we'd come back with a story like that? Besides, he did make the call to go to those coordinates, didn't he?"

"Sure, after the whole Stargate program was shut down. And you can't tell me Jack wouldn't have listened if it had been you or Teal'c who told him about the alternate reality. It was because it was me."

This is the first time I've ever heard something like this from Daniel, and I don't know what to say.

"I was right about a lot of things -- I was right about Thor, I was right about Apophis, I was right about Seth, I was right about Machello --" He squeezes his eyes shut suddenly and a spasm of pain crosses his face. "He didn't believe me then, either. He let them put me in Mental Health, probably wasn’t even surprised they thought I was schizophrenic, probably figured it was only a matter of time --"

"Daniel, stop it!" I don't know whether to be angry or scared. What he's saying about the colonel is totally unfair and untrue; Daniel didn't see the colonel after he was taken out of our hands and put in Mental Health; he didn't know how shaken and scared the colonel was or how hard he'd fought to keep Daniel here in our care. But what he's saying is also scaring me because I don't know where it's coming from. Has he been carrying his anger around with him and adding to it, layer by layer, with each new imagined transgression by the colonel? I stop myself in my tracks. No. No, I don't believe that. Daniel hasn't been carrying this anger around with him; he carries pain, he carries guilt, compassion, curiosity, and he still carries some of the innocence I saw when I first met him. But this anger is new and it has only one cause, and maybe, just maybe, he's using this anger to avoid dealing with his grief.

Oh God. What if the colonel's right? What if Daniel is just trying to substitute another search for the one he failed in?

"Sam?"

Daniel's hesitant voice shakes me out of my brooding thoughts, and when I look at him, I see the beginnings of fear in his eyes. He's afraid I'm not going to believe him either. I take his hand and give it a little squeeze. "Daniel, you're wrong about the colonel. As for the hand device, I just don't know," I say honestly. "I've only used one once. There's no way I can test the theory because I don't have any control over it."

"But, if it is possible, then a Goa'uld would know how to do it."

"Yes, of course."

"Then it's possible Sha're would know how to do it because of Amaunet. When I saw her on Abydos, she remembered things Amaunet had seen and heard. So she would have had this knowledge as well."

It makes sense. "It's possible," I admit.

His eyes slide shut wearily. "Thank you, Sam," he whispers.

It breaks my heart to see him like this. Part of me wants to drag the colonel in here and make him tell Daniel he believes him; Daniel has just suffered a terrible loss, and now he thinks he's lost his best friend as well. What harm would it do for the colonel to just tell him he believes him about Sha're? We'll probably never be able to prove if it really happened, but at least Daniel would have the added support of his friendship with the colonel to help him get through this. As angry as he is right now, I can't see him allowing any support the colonel will try to give. And the colonel will try.

But in the same breath I know the answer to that question: the harm would come as we encourage Daniel to substitute one tragic crusade with another, and it would come as we allow him to deny his grief and guilt instead of helping him face it and deal with it.

Oh God, what a mess.

"I'd better let you get some rest," I tell him, my voice coming out a little hoarse as I struggle to keep my emotions in check. All of us shared the fear that Daniel's search for Sha're could end in heartache for him, but none of us could have foreseen the twist it would take. "If you need anything..."

His eyes open, and I see my own affection reflected there. "I know. Thanks, Sam. For everything."

I give him a smile and his hand a brief squeeze, then quickly leave.

***

*Daniel Jackson*

Janet's not going to be too pleased with me, but Janet wasn't around for me to ask. Not that she would have given me permission to check myself out. Everyone was busy with the returning Marines of SG-5. No injuries, thank goodness, but everyone has to be checked out after coming back from off-world. Let's hear it for red tape. I put on my clothes and walked out in the middle of the confusion, and no one noticed. Well, I'm sure they'll notice when they start doing rounds, but I'll worry about that later.

Was it always this far to my office? Okay, I'm still tired, but a good night's sleep will take care of that when I get around to having one. I've got too much to do right now. I need to prepare for Sha're's funeral, and I need to start my research on Kheb. There's got to be more information out there besides the reference in Budge, and I have to find it.

"Daniel!"

I stop in my tracks and suppress a sigh as a hand lightly claps me on the shoulder from behind. "Hi, Ferretti." Ferretti and I didn't exactly start out as bosom buddies, and we're still not, but he's become a good friend, and he's the only one left here at the SGC besides Jack who was on that first mission. That gives us something a little special.

I turn around, and he gives my shoulder a sympathetic squeeze. "I heard about Sha're, Daniel. I'm sorry. I tried to get into the infirmary to see you, but ol' Doc Fraiser's guarding you closer than a hen with one chick."

I manage a weak smile at that. Actually I'm glad Janet was keeping everyone away. I'd rather not have to deal with all the 'I'm sorry's right now. "Thanks."

"She was a beautiful woman, Daniel. I'll never forget when we went back to get you, that kiss she gave you..." His voice trails off as I look down and he pats me once again on the shoulder. "Sorry," he says a little awkwardly. "I guess you don't want to talk about that right now, do you?"

"Maybe another time."

"Sure, sure." He studies me critically. "You know, Daniel, you don't look so hot. Maybe I should get you back to the infirmary --"

"I'm fine, Ferretti, really. I was just on my way to my quarters." I don’t like lying to friends, but no way is he going to shepherd me back to the infirmary. I have too much to do. "To get some rest."

"Maybe I should just go along to make sure --"

"Ferretti." I stop him with a hand on his arm. "I'm fine. Really. I'd just...like to be alone right now, okay?"

He hesitates, then nods. "Yeah, sure. Well, you take care, Daniel." He gives me a little wave, then turns and goes back the way he came.

Two more corridors, then I'm safely in my office, the door closed behind me. I don't bother to turn on the overhead light, opting instead to just flick on my desk lamp. From my bookshelf I pull out the volume I'm going to need to prepare myself for Sha're's funeral and go over to my desk. I'm sure I remember the words I need to speak on Sha're's behalf, but I don't want to make any mistakes. I've just started reading, speaking the words aloud when my door opens.

"Daniel."

I look up to find Jack standing backlit against the hallway light, his face in shadows. But from the sound of his voice he's less than happy. A moment later I squint as the overhead light comes on, and I get a look at his face. Nope. Not a happy camper. Tough, colonel.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?"

"Ferretti has a big mouth," I say flatly, returning to my book.

"Ferretti is your friend, Daniel, and he was worried about you."

"So he went running to you."

"That's right." Jack walks inside and closes the door behind him. "I am your C.O. -- and your friend." When I don't look up or respond to that, he repeats, a little forcefully, "So I'll ask again: what the hell do you think you're doing?"

"I'm preparing for Sha're's funeral."

There's a long silence, followed by the sound of Jack clearing his throat. "Ah. Well... Look, Daniel, can this wait, just long enough for you to get some rest --"

"No."

I haven't looked up since Jack turned on the light, and a shadow falls over my open book as he comes to stand in front of my desk. "Don't force me to make it an order, Daniel." he says quietly.

I throw out my hands. "Oh, well, if you're going to make it an order, Colonel." As I start to push myself to my feet, a hand clamps on my shoulder and firmly pushes me back down.

"Oh, for cryin' out loud." The fingers tighten briefly on my shoulder, then the pressure disappears. When Jack speaks he sounds weary. "All right, look, you take the time you need, but then you get a full night's sleep, and I mean a full night. You do that, and I'll square your little disappearing act with Fraiser. That's the deal."

"I don't need you to square anything, Jack."

"You might be singing a different tune once Fraiser gets back on duty," he retorts sourly. The shadow disappears from my book, and moments later I hear the door shut. I return to my book.

I have barely gotten halfway through the passage I've been studying when my door opens again. "Jack, I thought I told you --"

"It is not O'Neill, Daniel Jackson."

I look up to find Teal'c standing in the doorway and feel my fingers clench on the book. "I suppose Jack sent you."

Teal'c regards me impassively. "I have not seen Colonel O'Neill."

"Oh."

"Do you wish me to leave, Daniel Jackson?"

"No, no, come in, Teal'c." As he steps inside the office, I ask hesitantly, "I was wondering why I hadn't seen you." Actually, I have a pretty good idea why I haven't seen him, but I don't know how to ease his guilt any more than I know how to ease my own.

He comes to a stop on the other side of my desk, but not as close as Jack was, and says quietly, "I was not certain you would wish to see me."

"I don't blame you, Teal'c. I know you saved my life."

"I am sorry I was forced to terminate the life of Sha're along with the Goa'uld, Amaunet. If there had been another way --"

"I know," I break in, desperately wanting to close the subject. The instant Teal'c discharged his staff weapon is still too fresh in my mind; I can see it, smell it and hear it. The flash of white, the smell of charred flesh, the hiss discharged energy. I don't want to relive it yet again. Giving my head a sharp shake to clear it, I ask suddenly, "Did Jack tell you about the ribbon device, Teal'c? About Sha're sending me a message?"

There is no change in his expression, but Teal'c's gaze is locked on my face. "He did."

I lean across the desk. "Teal'c have you ever heard of a Goa'uld using a hand device in this way?"

"I am sorry, Daniel Jackson. I have not."

I slump, bitterly disappointed. "That doesn't mean it isn't possible." When Teal'c makes no comment, I realize Jack has gotten to him too. But since a ribbon device isn't a weapon a Jaffa would ever use, it is entirely likely Teal'c wouldn't know of all its powers. There is something, though, he may have heard of. In fact, I'm counting on it. If Teal'c can verify what a Harcesis is, Jack will have to believe me.

"Teal'c," I say carefully, trying not to let my excitement show, "have you ever heard of a Harcesis?"

"Colonel O'Neill also asked me this question. I am sorry, Daniel Jackson. I have never heard of this word and am not aware of any powers possessed by a child of two Goa'uld." His voice softens, and it is threaded with compassion, "If I had known of any such powers, I would have told you on Abydos when Sha're delivered her child."

I sink back into my chair, the breath all but knocked out of me. My God, of course. If Teal'c had ever heard of a Harcesis, he would have told me then. How did I miss that? I was counting on him to back me up about the child. But if he can't do that... I have nothing. Only my word for what happened. And that's not enough for Jack.

"Daniel Jackson? Daniel." I look up as Teal'c's deep voice penetrates my thoughts. He is frowning deeply. "Are you ill?"

"No, no, I'm not ill. I'm just..." I give him a long look. "Just because you never heard of a ribbon device being used for communication doesn't mean it's not possible, does it?" Come on, Teal'c, just back me up on this. If you back me up, I know Jack will listen.

"I regret I cannot give you the answer you wish, Daniel Jackson. I have never seen it used as anything but an instrument of destruction."

"Right. So you said." I bite off each word, trying not to notice how a flicker of distress passes over his face. "I'd like you to leave now, Teal'c," I say loudly, returning to my book. "I have work to do."

"Should you not be resting?"

"I'll rest when I'm finished here. Now please leave."

There's a long silence, then a reluctant, "As you wish."

Once again, I'm alone. And I have never before felt so alone.

***

"Doctor Jackson. Daniel, wake up."

A hand is gently but insistently shaking my shoulder. I 'ouch' as I raise my head, flexing my shoulders at the crick in my neck and blink in the painful light. "What?" Janet Fraiser's face is the first image that comes into focus, and I don't like the unfriendly glint in her eye. Something moves just outside of my line of vision, and I turn my head slightly, seeing Jack standing nearby, regarding me with crossed arms. "Way to keep a bargain, Jack," I snipe.

"Yeah, well, since you didn't keep your part, I didn't feel obligated to keep mine."

"There are no bargains in my infirmary, gentlemen," Janet snaps, with more anger in her tone than I've ever heard before. "Doctor Jackson, I'm going to check your vitals. If everything is normal, I'll allow you to go to your quarters to sleep. If not, you're back in the infirmary. Now please remove your jacket."

Refusing to look at Jack, I do as I'm told and allow her to do her worst, although I'm not very gracious about it. When she's finished, she sighs and says quietly, "Your blood pressure is still a little low but within acceptable range."

I snatch my jacket up. "Good, then I can --"

"Daniel." Janet's hand on my arm stops me from getting up. "I'm giving you a sedative."

"Like hell --"

"Daniel." Without thinking I respond to the authoritative tone in Jack's voice just like I always do. "Sha're's funeral is less than twenty-four hours away," he continues in a softer voice. "Kasuf has made all the arrangements, and everything is ready. But you have got to get some sleep before then."

"So you're going to drug me into submission?" I ask caustically. "I can't be believed and now I can't be trusted, right?"

Something flashes in Jack's eyes, but he turns a cool look on Janet. "You'll see him to his quarters, Doctor."

It's not a question, and Janet nods, "Yes, sir."

Without another word, Jack performs a perfect about-face and leaves the room. When I turn back to Janet, she's holding a needle in her hand, already primed and ready to go. Silently, I hold out my bare arm. An enraged gorilla wouldn't take on Janet Fraiser in this mood.

As she preps my arm, she says conversationally, "It wasn't the colonel's idea, Daniel. I wanted to haul your sorry ass back to the infirmary and put you in restraints, but the colonel said you'd rest better in your own quarters. This," she quickly administers the shot, "was the only way I'd go along with it." She stows her equipment away with precise, efficient movements, then takes my arm. "Now, let's get you to your quarters. That shot's going to take effect in short order."

I'm pretty groggy by the time we get to my quarters, and I'm pretty docile, too, letting Janet settle me in my bed without a word of protest. I'm rapidly losing my fight with the shot when she pulls the covers up and leans over, gentle compassion replacing her professional tone, "You know, Daniel, if you ever want to talk -- about Sha're or about anything that's happened -- you know you can talk to me."

I blink, trying to bring her into focus and frown a little as I think about what she said. "Why is it," I ask, my words slurring, "when Sha're was alive, no one wanted to talk about her. But now that she's gone, everyone wants to talk..." The last thing I remember seeing is the stunned look on her face before everything fades to black.

***

*Jack O'Neill*

Sha're's going to have an honor guard of the entire senior staff of the SGC at her funeral. It's the least the SGC can do for the man who made this place possible and who has sacrificed so much for it. Hammond and Fraiser have already gone through the Gate, and Carter, Teal'c and I are waiting for Daniel.

I haven't seen Daniel since I walked out of his office yesterday. Fraiser came to see me after she got him squared away to let me know he should sleep until morning. I could tell she was dying to know what had happened between us, but she knew better than to ask. Carter checked on Daniel a couple of hours ago to make sure he was okay and reported he was quiet and subdued, but he was getting ready and seemed as okay as we could expect under the circumstances.

Under the circumstances. As if 'the circumstances' weren't bad enough for him, he and I have this little 'estrangement' thing going. Can it be 'estrangement' if it's only one-sided? I pace restlessly around the Gate Room, caught up in that place between anger and concern where I've been spending most of my time for the last couple of days. Daniel never talked much about it, but I know he never gave up hoping he could find and save Sha're. Me, I pretty much gave up that hope after the first year. The guy who stood on this ramp and told Daniel 'we'll find her' three years ago didn't have a clue. It was a stupid, stupid promise; one I had no right to make. I wonder now how much of his long-held hope was a result of that promise made by a man he trusted? When I gave up hoping and faced the fact it was likely to end just like this, with Sha're's funeral, I made myself a promise. I promised myself I'd be there for Daniel when it happened, I promised myself I'd be the best damned friend he could imagine, and I would stand by him and with him and support him through his grief. And now here we are, and he doesn't want me to be there for him.

Well, tough.

I know something about Daniel that I don't think he knows about himself. The Daniel Jackson I met four years ago at this facility was a loner without a family, a kid who had grown up with only himself to depend on, only himself to look to when things were tough. But the Daniel Jackson I know now is someone who has learned to be a part of a family, has learned to allow himself to lean on others when he needs the support, who knows what it is to have someone put an arm around his shoulders and stand by his side when things are tough. That's not something you can unlearn. He's going to need that arm across his shoulders, someone by his side, someone to lean on.

Like it or not, Daniel, that's me. I can't do anything about that rash promise I made to you three years ago, but I can damn well do something about the promise I made to myself.

"Sir?"

Carter's quiet voice brings me around to see Daniel walking silently into the Gate Room, his Abydonian robes swirling around his ankles. The last time I saw him in this get-up was when he went back to Abydos and Sha're had her baby. More good memories for him. At a signal from me, Harriman up in the control booth dials the address for Abydos and the outer ring begins its slow rotation.

After the event horizon bursts to life, then settles down into a placid, blue pool, I look to Carter and Teal'c and give a little nod. Carter flicks a quick glance at Daniel, then straightens her shoulders and walks up the ramp, accompanied by Teal'c. After they step in, I move to join Daniel. He's looking a lot better after eight hours of sleep, but he's still pretty pale under the sunburn, and for the first time since I've known him, Daniel is staring at the Stargate like walking into that shimmering pool is the last thing on Earth he wants to do.

"You okay?" I ask quietly.

"Yeah." He takes a deep breath as if to steel himself, but before he can make that first step, I slide my arm across his shoulders. If he wants to be mad at me later, fine. If he wants to yell at me and slam doors in my face and not talk to me, fine. But right now I really want to be the best damn friend to him that I promised myself I would be. He stills, then turns wide eyes in my direction. I can see the internal battle going on inside that mixed-up head of his: he's angry at me, and it's a deep anger born of hurt, not one that is going to be easily fixed; but right now he needs the support he has come to know and rely on. From me. Come on, Danny, you've got a decision to make here. I see the choice in his eyes the same instant I feel the tenseness drain from his body. For right now at least, he can't maintain the anger. He looks back at the Stargate, blinking very fast. "I'm ready," he whispers.

I tighten my arm across his shoulders and walk with him into the wormhole.

***

It's a strange, but oddly beautiful ceremony. Kasuf came to the SGC while Daniel was sleeping and filled us in about what to expect so we'd understand what was going on. So I know what the scales and the feather signify, and maybe there is a sort of cosmic justice after all because the feather actually seems to weigh more than Sha're's innocent soul. A beautiful young woman who was in the wrong place at the wrong time, just like Skaara and that scribe in Egypt.

Daniel stands with Kasuf looking down on the grave as it is carefully filled with earth by the Abydonians. I hope this gives him the closure he needs. Three years is a long time to walk around with an open wound.

I've moved a short distance away so I can keep an eye on him without being obvious about it as he talks with Kasuf. His expression is intense, and his hands are doing as much talking as he is. From the look on Kasuf's face, the old guy is utterly lost in this conversation, and he keeps shaking his head and touching Daniel's arm as if to calm him. Oh, not good. Not good at all. Three guesses what Daniel's asking him. Suddenly Daniel's face closes off, and he looks around, his gaze sweeping the area as if searching for something or someone. Then, while Kasuf is still talking to him, he just walks away. Shit. Teal'c's been keeping a close eye on Daniel too, and when I give him a nod, he moves off immediately to follow at a discreet distance. The last time we let Daniel wander around supposedly safe Abydos he managed to end up on his knees in front of Heru'ur. At the same time Teal'c begins to shadow Daniel I see Kasuf signal one of the Abydonians, and he also begins to follow. I recognize him as Makeem, one of our kids from the first mission who has become Kasuf's right hand man. Confident that Daniel's covered, I turn to find Kasuf watching me, his face somber. He indicates a large tent nearby, and I nod agreement, following him inside. There's something I want to talk to him about, too.

Once we're inside Kasuf turns to me and says bluntly, "I worry for my good son, O'Neill."

"We're all a little worried about him, Kasuf. This hasn't been easy for him."

But Kasuf waves that aside. "That is to be expected; he is grieving. He worries me in other ways."

"What other ways?"

He frowns deeply. "He asks me if I have had dreams of my daughter. Dreams where she has told me things."

I sigh. "Oh, let me guess. Things about her son?"

Kasuf nods immediately. "Yes, the boy. My good son tells me that while the demon was trying to kill him my daughter sent him... dreams about the boy. But how can this be? Did not the demon possess her?"

"Apparently Daniel did have some dreams about Sha're, and he thinks that was Sha're 'communicating' with him, but they were just dreams."

Kasuf sighs unhappily. "It is as I feared." He is silent for a long moment, then turns a sharp gaze on me. "He says he has promised to find the boy, my grandson. Will you search for him, O'Neill? Is this something your tribe will do?"

Oh, I really hate this. Not only has Kasuf lost his daughter and his son, but he's lost his only grandchild, too. I shake my head. "I'm sorry, Kasuf. It'd be like trying to find a needle in a galactic haystack." Searching for Sha're was one thing; she was Daniel's wife and the SGC owed him that much. But this kid isn't even his. The only way Hammond would ever approve an on-going mission to search for the kid would be if... I can't believe I'm even going to ask this. "Kasuf," I say slowly, "have you ever heard of a Harcesis?" I stumble a little over the unfamiliar word, but Kasuf's eyes light up with recognition.

"Harcesis. Yes!"

My jaw drops. "You have heard of it?"

"This is what my good son calls the child." Kasuf shrugs helplessly. "But I do not know what it means."

I rub my eyes and sigh heavily. Oh, for cryin' out loud. "Kasuf, did you notice anything... special about the boy? Any -- I don't know -- powers?"

Kasuf frowns, perplexed. "Powers?"

"Yeah, did he seem different from other babies or could he do anything special?"

The old man's eyes soften. "He is a beautiful child, O'Neill; a child of my heart. He was all I had left from my daughter." He shakes his head. "But as I told my good son, he is only a child."

Then there is no strategic reason to launch a search for him. "I'm sorry, Kasuf," I say quietly. "We can't search for him. Even if my... tribe allowed us to look for him, we wouldn't know where to start."

"Kheb." I close my eyes at the sound of the flat, precise voice by the entrance. "I told you, he was taken to Kheb."

Keeping my expression as neutral as possible, I turn to confront Daniel who is standing just inside the flap of the tent, his mouth tight and the look on his face a combination of hurt betrayal and unvarnished anger. Even though I know every word out of my mouth was true, right now I feel like a worm under a rock.

Kasuf hurries to his side, clearly upset on his behalf. "Good son, you must not be angry with O'Neill. I am afraid the child is truly lost to us."

"He's only lost to us if we let him be lost to us," Daniel retorts sharply. "I know the destination."

"Kheb," I repeat.

"Yes!"

"Which you said was a myth," I remind him.

"I said I thought it was a myth, but Sha're told me..." His voice breaks off as his gaze travels from my carefully bland face to Kasuf's openly worried one, and the realization hits him that neither one of us believes that. And, by default, we don't believe him. He doesn't look at Kasuf; it's me, his closest friend, the man he trusts with his life on a daily basis, the guy who wishes he could make all this hurt just go away for him, he saves his anger for. Without a word, he turns and leaves the tent.

"O'Neill!" Kasuf is looking anxiously from me to the empty tent opening and back to me again. "Should you not go after him?"

I grimace. "No, I don't think so." Daniel's too angry to listen to anything I have to say right now, and there's nothing I have to say right now that he wants to hear. I walk over to the opening and watch Daniel, back stiff, walking in the direction of Sha're's grave, Teal'c and Makeem a respectful distance behind. I give Kasuf a reassuring pat on the shoulder. "Don't worry, Kasuf," I tell him, with a great deal more confidence than I feel, "we'll look after him."

Kasuf gives me an enigmatic look. "I know you will try, O'Neill," he says, and leaves the tent.

Oh yeah. That pretty much says it all, doesn't it?

***

Part 3 - Past and Present

(...and 'Peace')

*Jack O'Neill*

It's been a quiet couple of weeks since Sha're's funeral. Well, quiet for me anyhow. Daniel hasn't exactly been talking my ear off since then. When we got back, Hammond advised (read 'ordered') him to take a week of bereavement leave and SG-1 undertook only a few short, scientific missions off-world with a guest anthropologist who made Daniel, on his worst day, look like GI-Joe. Since I knew I wouldn't exactly be welcomed with open arms at Daniel's place, I relied on Carter to keep me updated as to how he was doing while he was off. She was a regular visitor and reported that he was doing okay, but seemed to be spending all his time in his apartment doing some kind of research. She said when she asked him about it he brushed it off as just catching up on his work, but I think we all know what he was doing research on.

He's been back for a week now, and he's been polite, but he has also not gone out of his way to seek out my company. Funny. I never realized how much time Daniel and I actually spent together off a mission until we stopped doing it altogether. I'd been hoping once he came back off leave we could go back to things the way they were, but that hasn't happened. The times I've mentioned going out for a meal or invited him over to my place, he's said he already has plans. I know he's angry with me and I know he's hurt, but I also know there isn't a damn thing I can do about either of those things. He wants me to believe in this Harcesis child and wants me to let him go off searching for him, and I can't do that. So here we are. Stalemate.

We've only gone on one mission since he's been back, and that one was strictly a grab 'n go scientific mission to an uninhabited planet to get some dirt and samples. I picked that one deliberately because it looked like a nice, safe way to ease him back into duty. The MALP shows the Stargate on the planet we're going to today is in some kind of structure, so this one was at least inhabited at one point. Let's hope this is another safe, simple mission because, although Daniel is cleared to return to active duty, I'd rather not put him to the test right now. Not that I think he wouldn't obey my orders -- or no more than usual, at any rate -- but because I don’t think he has his mind totally on this mission, and I don't want to have to depend on his reflexes at this point.

*Teal'c*

Daniel Jackson carries much anger inside himself. He has told me he does not blame me for the death of Sha're, and I believe that to be true. From the beginning Daniel Jackson himself has carried the guilt for Sha're's abduction and I believe he will find a way to carry the guilt for her death as well. But he has anger for both myself and O'Neill because of our reluctance to believe him about the visions he says Sha're sent him and because O'Neill will not authorize a search for the child Daniel Jackson calls a Harcesis. I do not see how this disagreement can be resolved, and it distresses me greatly that Daniel Jackson carries such unhappiness. In the past when he has been disturbed he has found some peace in practicing kel-no-reem; he would join me in my meditation and afterwards we would often talk and share knowledge, he of Earth culture and myself answering his questions about the Goa'uld and their language. But he has stopped coming to join me in kel-no-reem and he has not sought my knowledge since he asked me if a ribbon device can also be used for communication.

*Daniel Jackson*

I haven't felt this isolated since my first days here at the SGC. It's not like everyone hasn't been kind and compassionate and considerate and sympathetic; they've been all that and more. But no one believes me. That was a way of life back when I was trying to survive in the academic world, but here at the SGC I'd made a place for myself, and somehow I became the person they came to when no one else had an answer. People listened to me, even when my theories were so far out there you'd need the Hubble Space Telescope to see them. I got used to that. I... liked it. That makes it even harder to accept that no one - from General Hammond on down - believes me now. What's different about now?

They think I'm in denial. They think it's grief talking. I didn't need Sam to tell me that. Well, I've got news for them. I know Sha're is dead. I accept Sha're is dead. I kept hoping right up to the end that I could save her, but I failed, and I accept that, too. I don't need their sympathy; I need them to believe me. But here's the irony: the man who has always stood behind me and supported me from the very first doesn't believe me, and because of that no one else does either. And because Jack doesn't believe me, I can't convince General Hammond we have to search for Sha're's child. And because I can't convince him to authorize a search, I can't keep my promise to Sha're. She asked so little of me when we were together. This was really the first time she had asked for anything, and I can't even do that for her.

*Samantha Carter*

Standing here in the Gate Room with the rest of the team getting ready for our next mission, I don't think a casual observer would see any difference in SG-1 from before Sha're's death to now. But those of us on the team know better. There is a definite tension on the team due to Daniel's hurt and anger over not being believed about Sha're's child. Part of me understands his anger, but part of me also understands why the colonel is standing firm. Since we have absolutely no proof the hand device could do what Daniel insists it did and no one has ever heard of a Harcesis child, we might be doing more harm than good by encouraging Daniel to begin another search when his last one just ended so tragically.

So far, he's not mad at me, so I check on him as often as I can without making him too suspicious and make sure he's eating and getting enough rest. But he's spending every spare minute locked away in his office doing research on Kheb, and he doesn't spend any time with the colonel any more. Teal'c said he hasn't joined him for kel-no-reem since he came back either, and Daniel used to go to Teal'c's quarters at least once a week for meditation. He'd said it really helped clear his mind and sharpen his focus when he was especially tired. He could use a little of that peace now.

Outwardly, Daniel doesn't treat either the colonel or Teal'c with anything but politeness, but he's closed himself off, retreated into himself. The colonel is trying to keep everything the same on the surface, but I can see the strain this is taking on him. He's really worried Daniel isn't dealing with his grief, and that it's all going to crash down on him when he least expects it. I think if the colonel could find any way to believe Daniel without causing him even more pain in the long run, he'd do it in an instant.

But I don't think Daniel realizes that. All he can see is that the colonel doesn't believe him, and that has hurt him badly. I know Daniel is grieving; but I think he's grieving on two fronts: for what he has lost and for what he thinks he has lost.

The event horizon stabilizes and SG-1 moves up the ramp. Please let P2Q-463 be a nice, quiet planet with friendly inhabitants and enough artifacts to keep Daniel's mind occupied for a good, long time.

***

I put down Linea's journal and rub my eyes. This is slow going, and it's downright creepy getting into the thoughts of the 'Destroyer of Worlds'. Deciding I can use a little distraction, I head for the infirmary to see how Janet's getting along with the Vyans.

She's alone when I walk in, her attention divided between the computer screen and jotting some notes down. "Hi, Janet, how's it going?"

She looks as tired as I feel. "Slow. Very slow," she admits, letting her pen drop onto the pad of paper, obviously grateful for an excuse to take a break.

"Where are the Vyans?"

"Daniel took them for the fifty-cent tour."

"Oh." That comes out a little flat, and Janet shoots me a quick look. "What?" I ask defensively.

"You don't like Kira, do you?" Janet asks mildly, going over to the coffee machine to pour two cups of coffee.

"I don't know her," I counter, accepting the coffee with a nod of thanks.

"But you don't like the interest Daniel is showing in her." Janet phrases it very carefully, but she's watching me for my reaction. "Or the interest she's showing in him."

"I'm... concerned."

"Why?"

"Why? Because we don't know anything about her. Because Kira doesn't know anything about herself. Because I don't want Daniel to get hurt." As far as I'm concerned the last reason alone is enough for me to be concerned.

"Because you think it's too soon after Sha're?"

"Don't you?" I shoot back.

Janet looks thoughtful as she goes back to her chair and sits down. "Sam, Sha're was missing for three years, and in those three years did you ever know Daniel to even look at another woman?"

Two instances flash through my mind and in both those cases Daniel had been either drugged or under the control of a Goa'uld device. "No," I reply immediately. "It wouldn't have crossed his mind."

"Daniel isn't a stranger to loss, Sam, and for all his hoping, I think he eventually came to realize he might never get Sha're back. At least the poor girl isn't suffering anymore."

I agree with everything she's saying but I can't see where Janet is going with this. "Your point being?"

"My point being, I think Daniel is dealing with his grief a lot better than you and Colonel O'Neill are giving him credit for," she says gently, meeting my gaze.

"By falling in love with the first woman who smiles at him?"

Janet bites her lip; for some reason she finds that amusing. "What I see is an attractive, intelligent woman flirting with an attractive, intelligent man, and that man responding in kind. I'd say that's pretty healthy, Sam. Frankly, I'd be a little worried about him if he didn't respond."

I frown into my coffee, wanting to believe Janet's calm reassurances but not quite able to buy into them. "I just don't want to see him get hurt."

"None of us do. I admit, he's very vulnerable right now, and if I saw anything to worry me, I'd tell you. But in all honesty, I think we should just be happy he's found a distraction right now."

"A distraction?" I ask doubtfully. "You think that's all Kira is?"

Janet shrugs. "That's all I see right now."

I return to my coffee, wishing I had Janet's confidence. "I hope you're right."

***

*Jack O'Neill*

This was the worst possible way to break the news to Daniel, but I don't think he would have taken it any better if I'd tried to talk to him alone. At least this way, maybe Fraiser or Carter can make him face the possibility. The way things are between us I don't think I have a chance in hell of getting through to him.

The file on Linea/Kira makes a perfect three-point landing on the briefing table in front of me and Daniel jams his hands into his pockets, taking an aggressive stance.

"Come on, Daniel, you saw the test results. What more do you need?"

Fraiser speaks up. "Kira's DNA is a perfect match with the samples I took from Linea last year. It's irrefutable."

"Irrefutable!" Sarcasm isn't a good look for Daniel, but right now he's wearing it like a new suit of clothes. "Okay, so let's just lock her up and throw away the key then! Or, better yet, let's send her back to the prison where we found her."

He comes to a stop over by me, his whole body radiating challenge. Well, I didn't really expect anything else. But for once I would have really liked to be wrong. "Linea, Daniel," I say carefully, looking up to meet his angry gaze. "She used to be Linea. We're lucky she didn't knock us off the first time around." And yes I remember she saved Daniel's life, but I also remember she wiped out an entire planet with a plague. She did it once; there's nothing to say she wouldn't do it again. The fact that the Vyans are walking around with amnesia is proof she can't be trusted.

Daniel's got a calculating expression on his face that immediately puts me on my guard. He's got something up his sleeve, but I'll be damned if I know what. "Let me ask you a question." This is directed at me; oh wonderful, he's decided to make this personal. "Who would you trust with your life more than anyone else in the world?" Oh, I'm not playing this game. I stare straight ahead, refusing to look at him, but he's not going to let this go. His tone brittle and supremely indifferent, he adds, "Don't worry, I won't be offended if you don't pick me." He pauses for barely a beat, then he nails me. "Could it be Teal'c?"

"Sure." Why not? After all, I obviously don't trust Daniel, right? It's all I can do not to get to my feet and drag him out of there to have this out with him once and for all. Too late, I realize I've let my mind wander for a moment. I never see it coming.

"Teal'c, refresh my memory. What was your previous profession?"

Son of a bitch.

Teal'c gives him a long look but responds, "I was First Prime of Apophis."

"Right." Daniel's walking around, arms folded in a deceptively casual pose, like Perry Mason about to expose the real murderer. "Did a few nasty things back then?"

I don’t think I've ever been so furious with him. "We see the subtle point you're trying to make," I tell him coldly.

"No, you don't!"

I glance at the general, who is clearly uncomfortable with this new and not-improved version of Daniel Jackson.

"She is not the same person." He looks at Teal'c and emphasizes, "She is not who she used to be. Let's not condemn her for who she used to be in the past."

Good one, Daniel. You made your point. You had to use two friends to do it, but what are friends for, right? Beside me Carter drops her head and I can hear her sigh. I'm just so... damned disappointed in him. If someone had told me Daniel Jackson could stand in this room and hold up Teal'c's past as a reason to justify releasing the Destroyer of Worlds into the universe, I would've told them they were nuts. But that's what he just did. I sneak a look at him, see the angry passion in his eyes and realize with a sinking heart that he's found another quest. He couldn't save Sha're, but by God he's going to save Kira. If I had just agreed to search for Kheb, he'd have his crusade. But since I didn't, he had to go looking for another and found the Destroyer of Worlds.

Hammond makes his decision. "I think it would be prudent to keep her confined to her quarters until we can resolve the Vyans' medical crisis. Colonel O'Neill, perhaps you could inform her --"

"I'll inform her."

The unthinkable act of Daniel interrupting the general is enough to ensure complete silence in the room as he stalks out. After a moment the general quietly dismisses everyone, but as I start to rise, he motions for me to stay. He waits until the room is clear, then turns a questioning gaze on me. "How is Doctor Jackson coping, Colonel?"

My lips compress into a bitter smile. "I may not the best one to ask, sir. Daniel's not exactly confiding in me these days."

Hammond frowns. "Are you saying there's a problem on SG-1, Colonel?"

"No, sir," I assure him firmly, "there's been no problem on the team. The issue between Daniel and myself is personal."

The general studies me for a moment. "Is this about his wife's child?"

"Yes, sir."

"I see." He waves a hand toward the door. "And his little display here?"

I take a deep breath and rub my eyes. "Daniel and Kira have become 'close', sir."

"Close?"

"Yes, sir." I shrug helplessly. "They just kind of hit it off and..." I let the sentence trail off, seeing from his face he gets the message although it does surprise him.

"I see," he says again. Then in a solemn voice he points out, "This could turn out to be very unpleasant for him, Colonel."

I stare at my hands on the table for a moment, then lift my eyes and give him a direct look. "Yes, sir. But I'm damned if I know what to do about it."

Hammond looks at me a moment longer, then nods in understanding and stands, leaving me alone in the briefing room.

I started out thinking I was doing all this for Daniel's own good. I thought I'd force him to face his grief if I didn't give in to his delusion about Sha're communicating with him at the end, and look what it's cost me. Maybe Daniel's friendship. Hell, maybe if I had just gone along with him, believed him about Kheb, he wouldn't have latched onto Kira the way he did. Then again, knowing Daniel, maybe not.

If Kira gets her memory back and becomes Linea again, there's no question in my mind she'll kill whoever stands in her way of making her escape through the Stargate. And I think we all know who's going to be standing between her and everyone else trying to reason with her. I draw in a deep breath and slowly get to my feet. I've got to give it one more shot. He probably won't listen to me, but I've got to try.

***

*Daniel Jackson*

All you have to do is forget.

I envy her. Kira can be Kira now, and it will be like Linea was never a part of her life. I almost wish... No, I don't. As hard as it is to think of what Sha're went through for the last three years of her life, I'd never want to forget the time we had together as man and wife. And always remembering how strong Sha're was at the end is the greatest tribute I can pay her.

I've talked to the Vyan Council, and Kira was such an integral part of their government they're more than happy to have her back on Vyas, so Janet's helping her get ready to return. Happy ending. Well, that makes one...

I don't know how long I've been sitting here in my dark office. After Kira was... Kira again, I felt a sudden sense of triumph followed by a sudden surge of emptiness. I think that's when it hit me: I was able to save Kira, a stranger, the 'Destroyer of Worlds', yet I wasn't able to help my Sha're. It felt so unfair. I had to get away. It wasn't until I got here to my office that it all fell into place, and I finally realized what I've been doing over the last couple of weeks. I was so sure I was handling Sha're's death, so certain I was facing my grief, so confident in my ability to 'cope'. But all I was really doing was shutting everyone out and taking out my anger on them. I couldn't save Sha're, and I couldn't get anyone to believe me about the child, so I blamed Jack for not believing me and I blamed Teal'c for not telling me what I wanted to hear. Given time I'm sure I would have found a reason to blame Sam, the general, Janet, and everyone else who was trying to help me.

And then along comes Kira, an innocent who shouldn't be blamed for the atrocities of another...just like Sha're. Here was someone I could help. I still think I was right, but I alienated my closest friends by the way I went about it.

I drop my head into my hands and give my hair a hard yank. What am I doing? Pushing away everyone who cares about me. Blaming people for things that aren't their fault. Acting like a spoiled teenager who isn't getting his own way. Stepping between Jack's gun and a threat... I groan into my hands. That was Lesson Number One in Jack O'Neill's How Not To Behave on a Mission Seminar which he delivered on my first week on SG-1. No wonder he doesn't trust me enough to believe me. When I do things like that, why should he?

I sit back up and stare into the darkness of my office, for the first time allowing the full extent of my misery wash over me. I have two choices. I can go on like I am, blaming the world for my faults and destroying the friendships we've all worked so hard to nurture, and eventually destroying SG-1 because I know what kind of tension my behavior has caused; or I can face up to what has happened, acknowledge my part in it, and accept the fact that, although Jack is my friend, I'm not someone he believes on my word alone. That hurts. That hurts a lot. I was so sure when I woke up in the infirmary that I could just tell him about Sha're and the child, and we'd start searching for Kheb. Why did I think that? Because I allowed myself to believe he really did trust me that much. I was wrong. But I can live with that because I want his friendship -- I need his friendship -- even on those terms.

I push myself to my feet and straighten my shoulders. I guess every friendship has a 'defining moment' somewhere along the line, and I suppose this one was ours. At least I know where I stand.

***

"I sense we knew each other well before my memory was lost." Kira is studying my face like she's trying to access memories that are no longer there. "Did we?"

She's Kira again, really Kira. A beautiful, intelligent, gentle woman. It would be so easy to... "No," I tell her. "No, we never really did. Goodbye, Kira."

She looks disappointed but tells me goodbye, joins the others on the ramp and is soon gone. Time to do what I promised myself I would do. I take a deep breath and turn... and the Gate Room is empty except for Sam. Jack and Teal'c have both gone, along with the general and Janet. My disappointment must show because Sam says softly, "Daniel?"

When I look at her I see the anxiety in her eyes and realize I've seen that a lot lately, mostly on my behalf. Time to start putting things right. "How about some coffee?" I ask.

Her face brightens, and I almost cringe when I realize how long it's been since we've sat down for some casual conversation over coffee. I guess I'd better start rebuilding my bridges right now.

"Are you okay?"

It's a testament to how well I've been handling everything that those are the first words out of Sam's mouth when we sit down in the cafeteria with our coffee. I produce what I hope is a reassuring smile for her. "I'm fine. Really."

She's playing nervously with her napkin and not quite meeting my eyes. "I mean, with Kira going back... I thought, I mean, I was afraid..."

"Sam." She breaks off and looks up at me, her eyes wide. "I'm fine," I say carefully. "Kira and I..." I shrug, not quite sure how to explain it to Sam when I can't explain it to myself. "There wasn't a Kira and I, not really." That isn't what I want to talk about, and I hope she just drops it. I see her shoulders relax a little, and we drink our coffee in silence. When the silence stretches a little too long I ask hesitantly, "Did Jack tell you what happened with Kira and the vials?"

She shakes her head. "No, why?"

I make a face. "He didn't tell you how I stepped between him and Kira when he and Teal'c came bursting into the room ready to shoot?"

Her eyes widen as she imagines the scene and then she gives a rueful grimace. "Oh, ouch." She studies my face for a moment, then leans closer and insists softly, "Talk to him, Daniel. Please. You're wrong about him, you know. He does trust you and there are plenty of times in the past where he's believed you, and it turned out you were right."

"But all those other times I had something, Sam, some little thing to back me up and at least give some credence to what I was saying. When I came back from the alternate reality I had a Stargate address; when I theorized about Thor's race Teal'c backed me up about the Hammer sign; even that time I was in the padded cell, the only reason he believed me was that Teal'c was sick and nobody knew why. I don't have anything this time except my word." And I admit something to her that I hadn't even admitted to myself up to now: "This time I really needed him to take me on faith."

***

I stand in front of Teal'c's closed door for a long time before I call up the courage to knock. After hearing Teal'c respond, I hesitantly open the door and look inside. As I thought, he's meditating, and the room is lit by dozens of candles. A flicker of surprise crosses his face as he sees me, and I also see relief. "Daniel Jackson."

"May I come in?" I've always been welcome to meditate with Teal'c, but I realize I've lost the right to assume anything now.

He inclines his head. "I would be honored to have you join me."

I sigh as I slip inside and close the door behind me. I wait until I've taken off my shoes and I'm seated across from him before speaking. "I am honored that you still want me to join you."

One eyebrow lifts. "Why would I not? You are my friend, Daniel Jackson, and you have often said kel-no-reem brings you peace."

I nod. "It does. But recently I have not been...a good friend, Teal'c. I have said things I regret, and I have done things that are unkind, very unkind, and I ask your forgiveness."

Teal'c's face is in shadows, but I can see the softening of his features. "You have been in great pain, Daniel Jackson and have carried much anger. But much of this anger has been for yourself, has it not?"

It takes me a moment to realize my mouth is hanging open. I close it and clear my throat. "Yeah, I guess it has. But that doesn’t --"

"I forgive you for that for which you feel you need forgiveness. But you must also learn to forgive yourself."

"Yeah, well, easier said than done," I tell him with a tight smile.

He nods. "Yes. But perhaps this is the beginning." Slowly he closes his eyes and takes a deep, cleansing breath.

I watch as he slows his breathing in preparation to attaining the meditative state that is so restful and healing, and I automatically feel myself relaxing. Teal'c's presence has that effect on me. I feel safe with him, just like I feel safe with Jack. I know that either one of them would stand in front of me and take the worst the world has to offer in order to protect me. How could anyone ask more of a friend? Why am I asking more than they can give?

Emulating Teal'c, I draw a slow, deep breath and close my eyes.

***

Another closed door. This time my hesitation is longer, but I finally knock and wait to hear Jack's voice. He's working at his desk and when he sees me, he tenses slightly, and I see the wariness in his eyes. Who can blame him? After the way I've been acting recently he can't be sure which Daniel Jackson might be standing on his doorstep.

"Daniel." His voice is neutral, but he puts down the pen he's been writing with, so I take that as a tacit invitation and step inside, closing the door behind me.

"Can we talk?"

His wariness edges up a notch, but he nods. "Sure."

There's an empty chair in front of his desk, but I remain standing; I don't think I'm going to be here long enough to sit down. In the past any 'apologies' between Jack and myself have pretty much been monosyllabic unfinished sentences that we somehow mumble our way through. But neither one of us has ever had to apologize to this extent, and I know I'm going to have to meet this one head-on. "I just came from talking to Teal'c." This surprises him, although the only outward indication is an elevation of his eyebrows. "I...wanted to apologize for some things I'd said and done recently."

There is cautious approval in his eyes, but all he says is, "Good."

I look away for a moment and take a deep breath. "I'd like to apologize to you, too, Jack. I'm sorry for the things I said, the way I behaved..." I can't help wincing, "that scene in Kira's room...even though I was right." I can't help adding that part, either.

Jack rolls his eyes, but I see immediately the wariness is gone, and he gets to his feet and joins me on the other side of the desk. Funny, with that desk between us, he was very much the guy who is technically my commanding officer, the guy who issues orders I'm supposed to obey without question, but once he walks out from behind it, he's Jack again. I wonder if he realizes that. I wonder if he knows how much I need that right now.

He stands in front of me and I see the kind of relief in his eyes I've only ever seen a few times before -- when I walked out of the water, alive, on Nem's planet; when he found me after I'd come back through the mirror from the alternate reality; when he saw me in the Gate Room after thinking I'd died on Apophis' ship; when he was standing in the padded cell at Mental Health and I'd convinced him I was really sane. Like those other times, he's relieved. The way I'd been acting and the way I'd been treating him, he probably thought I blamed him for not being able to save Sha're, maybe even thought I was coming here to tell him I wanted to transfer off SG-1 because I couldn't work with him any more.

The realization makes me want to kick myself for being that angry, self-centered little shit who asked Jack in front of a roomful of people, 'Who would you trust with your life more than anyone else in the world?' and added the spiteful, 'Don't worry, I won't be offended if you don't pick me'. "I guess I wasn't dealing with things as well as I thought." I don't even realize I've said it out loud until I feel Jack's hand on my shoulder.

"I'm sorry we weren't able to save Sha're, Daniel. I wish we --"

"Everyone did everything they could, Jack," I break in quickly, not really wanting to dwell on this. "It wasn't anyone's fault."

His fingers tighten briefly on my shoulder. "I hope you're including yourself in that, Doctor Jackson," he says quietly. I can't quite meet his eyes, but I give a quick nod of my head. "Look, if you need some more time off..."

I do look up now, see the poorly-concealed concern in his eyes and wonder how many more grey hairs I might have put on his head over the last couple of weeks. Doing what Jack has done so many times in the past in times of tension, I manage a smile and ask lightly, "You that anxious to get Robert back on the team, Jack?"

For a moment his face is blank, then he grimaces horribly. "Rothman? The guy can barely tie his own shoelaces."

I bite my lip to keep from grinning. "He's very good at what he does, Jack."

"If you mean annoying me, then, yes, he's very, very good at that." Suddenly realizing how I'd quite effectively just broken the tension, he gives me surprised look, then an approving clap on the shoulder before letting his hand drop away. "Seriously, Daniel, if you need some more time off --"

"No, actually, I'd rather keep working. You know, just keep busy."

He studies me a moment, then his features soften, and he nods. "Okay."

Actually, I think at this point I could have told him I'd like to build a life-size model of the Great Pyramid of Giza out on the parking lot, and being Jack, he'd find some way to say, 'okay'. Realizing that would be easier for him than finding a way to believe me about Sha're, I feel some of the light go out of my eyes. Jack notices, of course, and I see him frown, but before he can say anything I mumble something about needing to get back to my office7 and get out of there as fast as I can.

***

*Jack O'Neill*

Okay, I wasn't expecting that. I was expecting Daniel to show up eventually but not to apologize. Actually, it wouldn't have surprised me if he had come here to request a transfer to another SG team. I still have no idea what I would have said to him if he had; all I know is I planned to do my damnedest to keep him on SG-1. Teal'c, Carter and I have all developed sixth senses where Daniel is concerned, and I'm not about to entrust his safety to team of people who don’t know him like we do and don't have such a stake in keeping him safe.

I go back to my desk and try to concentrate on the report I need to finish, but I keep thinking about the look I saw in Daniel's eyes before he rushed out of here. He apologized, I accepted, we're back to where we should be. Why was that look there? I drop my pen and sit back in my chair, thinking hard. He didn't mention the kid, not one word about Kheb or Sha're sending him messages. He apologized to Teal'c, he apologized to me...does that mean he's given up thinking he needs to find Sha're's kid? I rub my eyes hard. Daniel, give up on something that means so much to him? Oh yeah, I can see that happening. Not. But he's not asking me for help. Well, why should he? Look what happened the last time he asked. I was so supportive. Me, the guy he's counted on from the very beginning to trust him -- Wait for me -- and the guy who has trusted him even when there was no good reason to. But this time I let him down. I had promised myself I'd be there for Daniel if the worst happened with Sha're and be the best friend he ever had, but how could I have missed the rest of it? I know better than anyone that a funeral is only one small part of the grieving process. What he really needed was for me to stand by him like I always have. He needed me to trust him, the way he's always trusted me.

I can't forget that look in his eyes: disappointment, defeat, resignation. Congratulations, O'Neill. You put that look in his eyes. What if the tables were turned and I thought Daniel had stopped believing what I told him? What if I lost that automatic trust I'd come to rely on and expect?

I open my desk drawer, sweep the report inside, and slam it shut. I've got to do something. I don't know what yet, but I've got to do something.

***

"Carter?"

The major looks up briefly from where she's peering through a microscope and offers a distracted, "Yes, sir?"

"Can we talk?" I ask in a tone guaranteed to snatch her attention from whatever slime she's squinting at on that slide. "About Daniel."

This time I do get her complete attention, and she looks up wide-eyed. "Yes, sir."

I shut the door behind me as I come inside. I don't want Daniel wandering by or dropping in for a cup of coffee and hearing this. Leaning against the wall, I cross my arms and give Carter a straight look. "Carter, have you given any more thought about the possibility of a Goa'uld using a hand device for communication?" By the guilty look that flickers across her face, I know she's given it more than a little thought. "And?" I prompt encouragingly.

"I've tried to access Jolinar's memories, but..." She shakes her head. "It rarely works like that, so I haven't been able to come up with anything that would help. Sorry, sir." There's a look on her face that tells me there's more going on in that sharp mind of hers, and I give her a little 'let's have it' gesture. "Well, sir, there are things we do know about the hand device."

"Such as?"

"Such as, we know it does partly work through mental energy. I've felt that myself. It takes quite a lot of mental energy, and from what Teal'c said, Amaunet kept it up for quite some time."

I nod impatiently. I know how close Daniel came to dying. "Your point being?"

"My point is that if Amaunet was using all that energy on the hand device, maybe she didn't have enough left to control Sha're, and maybe Sha're knew that and used her last moments to communicate with Daniel. I know it's a big 'if', sir, but I think we have to admit the possibility."

"Because Daniel believes it."

Carter lifts her chin a fraction. "Yes, sir."

And because Daniel so obviously needs to believe it.

"I didn't know Sha're, sir," Carter says slowly, "but you did. Do you think Sha're was strong enough and loved Daniel enough to be able to exploit what may have been Amaunet's only weakness?"

What a good question. And why the hell hadn't I thought of it before? Nodding absently to Carter, I thank her for her time, and leave the lab. I wander through the hallways, not paying attention to where I'm going, lost in thought. I think about Sha're, the shy but vibrant Abydonian who took up arms against Ra and got herself killed protecting Daniel. I think of the look in her eyes when he told me he was staying behind. She still had that same look when I went back to Abydos. Did she love him enough to find a way to use her final moments to communicate with Daniel? Oh, yeah. Did she communicate with him? Who knows? Is there really a kid out there who may be the key to us kicking those slimy snakeheads out of the galaxy? Can we really afford to ignore the possibility?

The bigger, more personal question for me is how I get through to Daniel that even though I may not be completely sold on the significance this kid or the idea of Sha're communicating with him, I have not lost my faith in him.

I stop in the hallway, look around at where I am, and make a smart about-face.

The door to his office is open, and I stand outside for a while, watching him. He's engrossed in unpacking some stuff from a basket, and from the carefully blank look on his face I'm guessing these things have something to do with Sha're. I have a sudden, unpleasant flashback to a time I went through a cardboard box, touching a model airplane, a baseball autographed by three of the Los Angeles Dodgers, a yo-yo, a cigar box filled with treasures found in the back yard... a worn leather baseball mitt. With an effort I shake off the last of those memories.

"Hey!" I casually walk inside, and he glances up before returning his attention to the basket in front of him. "Just wanted to see how you were doing."

"Good." It's an automatic answer, the one-size-fits-all, any-occasion answer he gives when he doesn't want to think about what you've just asked him. But maybe as a sign of his new resolution to really deal with things, he pauses, then adds in a softer, more deliberate voice, "Okay."

That's more like it.

"Kasuf sent me some of Sha're's things after the funeral. He said that, um..." His voice trails off for a moment as he picks up an earthenware bowl from the basket and stares at it. "Well, he said that she would have wanted me to have them." I watch him closely, knowing this bowl is his equivalent of that worn baseball mitt I've got packed away and still can't bear to touch. I don't say anything, just wait to see if he'll tell me about it. It's slow in coming, but it comes, quietly. "We both drank from this cup at our wedding." After a moment, he sets it aside, remarking almost bitterly, "I know I shouldn't have had any real hope, but..."

"Hey." I've never heard defeat like that in Daniel's voice before, and I don't want to hear it again. "You can never give up."

He gives me an odd look, then a rueful, sad smile touches his face. "How about now?"

"Especially not now." There is real despair on Daniel's face at those words. He's come to the end of his rope. There's nowhere to go. He came to me for help, and I brushed him aside, refused to believe him. If there was ever a time to give up, it's now, right? Congratulations, O'Neill; you did in five minutes what three years of going through hell couldn't do to him. Well, guess again, Dannyboy. I'm not going to let you give up. "Sha're didn't want you to just give up, did she? As I recall, she wants you to find the boy."

Now he's confused. He looks at me like I've grown another head and says shortly, "I thought you said you didn't believe me about Sha're sending me the message through the hand device."

"I've been wrong. About a lot of things." Time to make sure he understands, really understands. Very carefully, so he can't misinterpret any word, I tell him, "And I know I don't always sound like I believe you, but I do believe in you."

He gives me a sideways look filled with such wariness that I wonder if I've blown it. After the way I refused to believe him, after the defeat I just heard in his voice, is this too little too late? Then he quickly looks down into the basket and I see him blinking very fast. "You, ah..." He clears his throat, but it's still a little hoarse when he continues, "You mean that?"

I take the one step necessary to bring me by his side. "I never say anything I don't mean."

He glances at me quickly before looking back down, but not before I see the incredible relief on his face and the sudden happiness shining through eyes that are a little too bright. I can almost hear the click as everything falls back into place. God, how did I ever let things get so screwed up between us? Never again, I promise myself firmly. I'm not saying I'm going to automatically accept every out-there theory he proposes, but in those cases where I don't, I am going to make damned sure he knows it's the theory I'm rejecting, not him. He's fingering a small, carved wooden box, but he's not really looking at it; I think he's still trying to absorb what I've just told him.

I lightly touch the box he's holding. "That's nice. What is it?"

He starts a little at the sound of my voice and stares at the box in his hands as if he suddenly realizes he's holding it. "Ah, oh, this was Sha're's jewelry box. Kasuf made it for her when she was a girl. There's even a hidden drawer here... see, the trigger is right here, you press in on this panel and..."

I smile and nod, watching as Daniel activates the small drawer that pops out. He continues to talk, explaining the history of the small chest and the meaning of the carvings, and I continue to listen. With any luck, I'll be able to get him to go through every item in the basket and tell me what it is and what it meant to him and Sha're. And I'll continue to listen until he doesn't want to talk any more. Because I promised myself I'd be the best damned friend he ever had. But, more important, he is the best damned friend I've ever had.

***

Part 4 - Epilog

Journal Entry, Earth

It's very late, or very early, depending on how you think of 3 o'clock in the morning. Jack just left a little while ago. What a long, strange day it's been.

For the first time, in what seems like a long time, I've actually found some peace. I hadn't really realized how angry and hurt and scared and totally screwed up I'd become since Sha're's death until Jack walked into my office yesterday while I was going through her things. I had just managed to reach a point where I had resigned myself to the fact that the person I needed most to believe me about Sha're and the child didn't, wouldn't and couldn't. I'm still not sure how I planned to deal with that; I only knew I had to.

Then Jack walked in and within sixty seconds turned my life around -- again. I don't think I fully realized how important it was to me to hear those words from Jack until he actually said them: I believe in you. Who could imagine those five words from someone I didn't even know five years ago, could mean so much? Sometimes I take a good, hard look at myself and wonder at how much I apparently need Jack's approval. But after an evening with Jack, I'm beginning to believe it may be a two-way street. Not that I think Jack particularly needs my approval about anything (I can just imagine what he'd say to that) but I'm beginning to believe this friendship thing means as much to Jack as it does to me.

After we went through Sha're's things, he brought me back here, fed me, and hung around, ostensibly to watch some TV; in reality we talked for hours while the TV played in the background. The bottom line is, we're going to search for Sha're's child. He told me he was going to talk to General Hammond and officially recommend all SG teams be briefed and the search for the Harcesis be made a priority. This couldn't happen without Jack; I know that. He knows it too, and since he still isn't sold on what I told him about the hand device, that means he's putting his faith in me, not relying on any proof or facts. Or, as he said right before he left, "I'll trust your instincts over someone else's facts any day of the week."

I guess that does make us pretty much even.

D. Jackson

[Chapter 15:Shades of Grey]

© July 15, 2000 The characters mentioned in this story are the property of Showtime and Gekko Film Corp. The Stargate, SG-I, the Goa’uld and all other characters who have appeared in the series STARGATE SG-1 together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of MGM-UA Worldwide Television, Gekko Film Corp, Glassner/Wright Double Secret Productions and Stargate SG-I Prod. Ltd. Partnership. This fanfic is not intended as an infringement upon those rights and solely meant for entertainment. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author.

This started out with a general idea to follow the members of SG-1 from their formation as a team of strangers, through the process of learning to know one another, cementing a friendship, and finally forming that unbreakable bond as a family. My plan was to focus on meaningful 'points in time' where the members learned something about the others, or about themselves during this process. There were more moments than I even imagined! Special thanks to Cokie and Judy for their continued support and encouragement and the vast amount of time they put in as betas, all while working on fics of their own. And 'thanks' doesn't begin to cover it to Lori, friend, mentor, editor, lifeline, for her constant encouragement, support and insights through this process!