CHAPTER 16 - NEW GROUND
Conflicts
Part 1 - Prologue
Journal Entry, Earth
When Jack came into work today, he found a cup of Starbucks coffee on his desk. I didn't quite know how else to tell him we're okay.
I've never had a friend like Jack before. In fact, I've never even known anyone like Jack O'Neill before, and I'm pretty sure he's never known anyone like me either. Sometimes that fact alone makes it hard for us to know what to do or how to communicate something as simple as 'I'm sorry' or 'You're forgiven.' So Jack came to my house with breakfast and cookies and has been putting a cup of Starbucks coffee on my desk every morning to tell me he was sorry about what he had to do in what is being called 'the Makepeace affair' around the SGC; I got up extra early to beat him into work today in order to put a cup of Starbucks coffee on his desk to let him know it's over and forgotten.
Sometimes, in the real world, being a linguist is no help at all.
I'll never agree with the way Jack achieved his objectives on that mission, but apparently I'm the only one having a problem with that. I've talked to Sam and Teal'c about it, and they've both taken it better than I have. Sam finally admitted (albeit reluctantly) their acceptance has everything to do with the military mindset and chain of command, something she and Teal'c are quite comfortable with. I could go along with that if they'd used the 'for the greater good' argument, but this is more along the lines of 'orders is orders'.
Despite my inability to understand or condone what Jack did, I am resolved to let it go. Yes, hearing those things from Jack when I went to see him hurt like hell, and yes, I was very angry for a long time, and I let him know that. But he's still the best friend I've ever had, and I don't want to jeopardize that; that's apparently one thing we thankfully have in common. So there's no point in holding onto my anger or debating the issue with him. The one time we did try to talk about it he told that until I was the one in command, until I was the one who had to make the hard decisions to protect my team, I couldn't really understand why he did what he did. He may be right. But since I'm not planning a mutiny to take over the command of SG-1, I guess I'll never fully understand why he did what he did.
D. Jackson
***
Part 2 - "Well, this day just keeps getting better and better."
*Jack O'Neill*
I can't help it. I give the cage a good kick just to see what happens. Shit. "All right. That hurts."
For some reason they made Daniel take his glasses off, even though they let him put them in his pocket, and he gives me a sideways look from the next cage. "Well, this day just keeps getting better and better."
Not much you can say to that except agree with it. "Yeah." I look around the tent they've put us in and consider the bleakness of our situation. Cages. Electrified cages. Okay, I knew the second I heard we'd stepped into the middle of a centuries-old civil war we were in trouble. If these people have known nothing other than civil war all their lives -- and for how many generations past -- they wil have honed paranoia to a fine art. As soon as the blood test confirmed we weren't Medrosian, in Reigar's mind that meant we were the enemy. Spies. Prisoners of war. I suppose it's too much to hope there's such a thing as a Medrosian Geneva Convention...
Oh, good, here's Rigor-mortis himself.
Oh, not good that he's coming over here with what looks like a staff weapon. Since we're locked inside electrified cages, there's no reason for him to swagger over here with a weapon. Unless...
I give him what I hope is a commander-to-commander look. "We should talk."
He looks thoughtful. "Yes." I don't like the way he says that. "Let us talk about your friend in the woods."
Thanks for the intel. At least I know Teal'c's alive and still out there. "I have no friends, in the woods or otherwise."
And so it begins. Questions. Answers. The same questions over again. The same answers given. Daniel tries the 'peaceful explorers' line, which never works anyhow, and sure isn't going to work here. But you've gotta give the boy points: he's sure trying. He hasn't lost that earnest look on his face as he tries to reason with Reigar. That's what Daniel does best; he reasons with people. The problem with that is he expects them to be reasonable in return. What he doesn't understand is that you can't reason with fanatics, and I'm getting that feeling about Reigar. I recognize the type. There's a look to him, an attitude that reminds me of some Iraqi military commanders I once 'met' under circumstances I try not to think about. With them, it was religion. With Reigar, it's Medrosia.
Oh, hell, Daniel's slipped into professor mode. That makes me want to zat him sometimes. Reigar's sure not going to put up with that for long, especially if Daniel's telling him something he doesn't want to hear.
"An alien race, the Goa'uld, used the Stargate to transport humans from Earth to other planets."
Daniel, for cryin' out loud, look at his face! This is not what he wants to hear.
"Which is how your people came to be on Medrosia."
Bastard! Daniel never saw it coming. I can't believe he didn't see it coming. He's sitting there telling this guy the truth and it never occurs to him that someone is going to hurt him for telling the truth. I take a deep breath and try to keep all expression off my face. I can't give Reigar any more ammunition than he already has. If he knows I'd like to tear his liver out right now for zatting Daniel with that energy weapon, he'll happily keep doing it, both to piss me off and to get me to talk.
Reigar snarls, "My people began on Medrosia as did yours. We were all created by Nefertum."
Daniel is staring at him. "Nefertum? Son of Sakhmet, blue lotus blossom?" How does he do that? Okay, that gets Reigar's attention, but I don't know if that's good or bad. "That's who you believe created you?"
"Yes."
I know what's coming before the words even leave Daniel's mouth. "Well, he must have been a Goa'uld."
Reigar is frowning. "A what?"
And Daniel patiently explains, "An alien. He must have transported your people through the Stargate --"
He never sees this one coming either. I do. I see the flash of fury on Reigar's face, and before Daniel knows what's happening Reigar is over by the cage and zaps him again. I wonder if there are different power settings on that thing because it seems to take Daniel a little longer to recover from this one. He's all hunched over, and when he finally looks up there's angry bewilderment on his face as well as shock. This is incomprehensible to him. We've been in a lot of tight spots before as a team, and Daniel's been hurt his share of times, but he has never been put through systemized torture. It may not seem like much now, a few electrical shocks, but when it's done over and over and over again, when you have time to think about it coming, when you know it's coming even when you tell the truth, it becomes psychological torture as well as physical. I look at Daniel's face and promise myself if it's the last thing I do, I'm going to see to it that Reigar ends up on the wrong side of one of those tazer weapons, and that I'm pulling the trigger.
"Optracan fallacy," Reigar spits. "Return them to the prison tent."
A reprieve for now. I look up and lock gazes with the Medrosian. Oh yeah, I know the drill. Give us a little time to think about it, for us to wonder what and who is next, and maybe we'll be a little more cooperative when he comes for us the next time.
Well, that's not going to happen. But it'll give me a little time to talk to Daniel and Carter, and clue Daniel in on what we have in store for us.
***
They get us settled in a brand new set of electrified cages and I wait until the guards move out of earshot before calling quietly to Daniel, "You okay?"
He looks over at me and gives a little shrug, then winces. "Yeah, I'm fine."
"There'll probably be more where that came from," I warn him.
He rubs his forehead in a way that tells me he probably has a headache. "Lucky us," he says succinctly.
Carter catches my eye and I give her a little nod of acknowledgement. I can't say anything that the guards might overhear and use, and I know Daniel should realize Teal'c is our only hope of escape and therefore we can not give him up no matter what they do to us. But Daniel has also never been in a P.O.W. situation before and has never been faced with interrogation torture before.
But before I can come up with an oblique way to warn him, he says softly, "Three little pigs."
Carter's eyebrows shoot up into her bangs and I stare across at Daniel, who is studiously contemplating his fingers. "Excuse me?"
I have a moment of panic when I wonder if those tazer weapons can cause some sort of brain damage, but he repeats calmly, "The three little pigs. You remember the fairy tale, right, Jack? They all built houses --"
"Straws, sticks and brick," Carter breaks in helpfully. I give her a look and she clamps her mouth shut.
Daniel nods and looks across at me. "The point being, there were three pigs and a big, bad wolf trying to break into their houses, but they didn't give up."
I'm not sure how I feel about being compared to a pig, but he sure called the big, bad wolf right, and I get the message. I nod my understanding, then glance at the guards before telling them both, "They might separate us or they might interrogate" -- I've decided 'interrogate' is my euphemism for 'torture' in this conversation -- "one of us in front of the others, hoping one of the other two will crack."
"I know, Jack," Daniel says quietly.
Of course he knows. Daniel knows more 'stuff' than anyone I've ever met. He knows so much stuff it makes my head hurt just to think about it. But he has never been tortured, and he has never had to stand by and watch a friend being tortured in order to get him to divulge information. That is something he doesn't know. But I do know that whatever they do to us, Daniel won't give up Teal'c because, soldier be damned, he's one of the strongest people I've ever met and somehow he'll get through this. He won't get through it without scars, but he'll come through.
Tell the truth, the one I'm worried about is me. I won't give up Teal'c no matter what they do to us, but it will kill me if I have to sit here in this Goddamned cage and watch that bastard torture Daniel and Carter.
"It's not a civil war, Jack." Daniel is speaking quietly as he absently rubs his shoulder. "It's a religious war."
"That lotus blossom guy?" I guess.
He nods. "The Goa'uld's M.O: false religion."
Perfect. Another religious fanatic. Just like Iraq.
***
Reigar's giving me enough time to come up with all sorts of scenarios of what they have in store for us. The fact that Teal'c hasn't shown up yet could mean a couple of different things: he might be injured and is lying low while Junior does his thing, or he's still working on a way to get to us. He sure can't go back through the Stargate for reinforcements, so we're on our own here. There's a commotion at the doorway of the tent, and I look up to see Reigar's second-in-command storming in with an armed guard escort, her face grim. Shit. They're heading right for Daniel.
"Problem?" I speak up. If I can just get their attention diverted to me...
Not a chance. I can only sit here and clamp my mouth shut as one of them slips behind Daniel and zaps him from behind. That thing must have different settings because he almost crumples this time and he's not much more than dead weight when they haul him out of the cage. I'm not even sure he's conscious until they frog-march him outside, and I see him stumble as he tries to keep up.
Okay, it's a toss-up as to whether it's worse to see a team mate tortured in front of you or watch him being hauled out of your sight so you get to use your imagination as to what they're doing to him.
"Sir?"
I look at Carter. She's not even trying to hide how worried she is. But I'm the colonel, and I do have to hide it. "He'll be all right, Major."
She straightens her shoulders a bit and gives a brisk nod. "Yes, sir."
I'm not fooling either one of us. Carefully avoiding the sides of the cage, I settle down and try to keep my mind occupied. Why Daniel? Why not Carter? Why not me? The 'why not me' is the easiest. Reigar and I have met on a thousand different battlefields all over the galaxy; I know him and he knows me. He's had his Iraq too; I can see it in his eyes. If I were going to pick someone out of a team to interrogate, it wouldn't be Reigar, just like he wouldn't pick me. If you were going for the 'weakest' member of a team, you'd think they would have gone for Carter. Hell, I'd know better, but they wouldn't. No, I figure they went for Daniel because he demonstrated how much he likes to talk, and he knew about that lotus blossom guy. I think that's what stuck in Reigar's mind. I rub my eyes, hard. So there you are. You try to be reasonable with someone, you tell him the truth, and what does it get you? It gets you dragged away from your team mates and --
My head snaps up at the sound of a sudden cry of pain from outside.
"Daniel," Carter whispers.
I don't answer her. I stare at the door as if I can will myself to see straight through it and see what those sons-of-bitches are doing to Daniel. He won't tell you anything. Don't you get it? Hurting him isn't going to get you anywhere because he's not going to tell you anything.
I rest my elbows on my knees, press the heels of my palms into my eyes, and face facts. Nothing I do will change anything. I can't give Teal'c up and I can't help Daniel. That bastard Reigar can do any damn thing he wants because he's in control. I'm not. I am in a Goddamned electrified cage where I can't do squat while Daniel is being tortured for information he won't give. What was it he said earlier? Oh, yeah. This day just keeps getting better and better.
"Sir."
I take a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Yes, Carter?"
"I haven't heard anything for a long time."
Long time? I look at my watch and curse under my breath. Daniel's been gone for over an hour. Jesus. I tried to turn my mind off after I heard him cry out the second time. Looks like I succeeded. I'm sure Daniel thinks I don't have any imagination at all, but the truth is, at a time like this I have way too much. "How long?" I ask her.
"Almost a half hour, sir."
A half hour since we heard anything. A lot can happen in a half hour. They could have -- The door opens suddenly, and I search the little group that marches inside. No Daniel. What does that mean? Reigar's second-in-command is leading them again and without a word, our cages are unlocked, and they wave those tazer weapons at us, motioning us outside. They didn't zap us. Why didn't they zap us? Because they're not going to question us. They zapped Daniel because they wanted to shake him up before his interrogation. I give the officer in charge a good, long look at I pass her and promise myself two things: I am going to get my team off this planet, and these people are going to know what it feels like to be on the wrong end of a zat gun.
I still haven't figured out why they have two structures here with two sets of cages. Oh, these people like their little cages way too much. Carter and I are led into the other tent where all our weapons and equipment are laid out and I see with relief that Daniel is already here. But he doesn't even look up when we're brought in. Dammit. That's not good. Reigar is nearby so I'm careful not to show too much interest in Daniel as we're shoved into our cages, but I hear Carter -- who should know better -- ask him if he's okay. The ensuing silence tells me more than I really want to know. I risk a glance over, see him give Carter a look, and can't stop the way my jaw clenches. He looks like he doesn't have anything left. They separated him from us, then pounded away at him for over an hour, asking the same questions, getting the same answers, wearing him down by zapping him with those tazer things. Hang in there, Danny. I wish I could say something to him, let him know he's doing a helluva job, but he has to hang in there a little longer. Unfortunately, I have a pretty good idea what's coming next.
Reigar walks up to us, and he's holding one of our zat guns. It's been a while since I've really hated a guy without a snake in his head, but I've worked up a nice, healthy hate for this one. "Hey, Reigar, you know that 'we come in peace' business? Bite me." Come on, tough guy. You want to play with someone? Try me, you sorry son-of-a-bitch.
Reigar barely spares me a glance. Instead he turns his attention to Daniel. Big surprise. "You have one last chance."
As if by rote, Daniel replies in a flat, unemotional voice, "I don't know how that man was killed. We are not Optracan spies."
It's a conditioned response by now. How many times has he said that over the course of the last hour? It worries me that his eyes are so dull, his voice so toneless because I know there's worse coming.
Without blinking an eye, Reiger turns the zat gun on Carter and pulls the trigger. As her body spasms and she slumps over, Daniel scrunches his face up as he struggles to hold onto his control. I wonder if Reigar knows another blast from the zat gun will kill her or if that's his plan. I try to steel myself for the possibility. I know what this is doing to me, so it's got to be killing Daniel.
"Is there another one of your people out there?"
Daniel isn't showing any emotion, but I know him well enough to see he's scared to death Reigar is going to pull the trigger a second time. None of that tells in his voice as he replies slowly and deliberately, "I don't know how that man was killed. We are not Optracan --"
And my world explodes.
***
Part 3 - "Turn it off, you'll kill him!"
"No, you will kill him."
*Daniel Jackson*
"You have one last chance."
He's got a zat gun. Oh, God, does he know two shots can kill? Or is that next? He's going to kill Sam or Jack if I don't tell him about Teal'c? For the hundredth time I repeat, "I don’t know how that man was killed. We are not Optracan spies." Please don't kill them, please don't kill them, please don't -- Sam!
"Is there another one of your people out there?"
One more shot and he'll kill her. I've got to make him believe me. Remember what Jack said. Just stay calm and stick to your story. "I don’t know how that man was killed. We are not Optracan --"
Jack! Oh my God, he's lying against the cage. If he doesn't fall away -- "No, there is not another one of my team out there!" I shout, any thoughts of remaining calm flying out the window. "Turn it off!"
"What's he look like?"
"Turn it off. You'll kill him!"
"No, you will kill him."
We stare at each other, and it's all laid out there for me in his eyes: he's not going to give in. He's going to let Jack die if I don't tell him what he wants to know. I can't tell him about Teal'c. But I can't let Jack die either. I won't let Jack die, I don't care what I have to do. I've got to do something something something. Damn it, I can't do this anymore!
"Commander Reigar."
Reigar looks around as someone calls him.
Oh please oh please oh please. Turn it off turn it off turn it off.
Reigar looks at Jack and seems to come to a decision. Snatching one of those energy weapons from the guard next to him, he limps over to Jack's cage and gives him a long, spiteful look before finally turning off the power. Then he tosses the weapon back to the guard and leaves the tent.
Oh God. OhGodOhGodOhGod. Calm down, calm down. Everyone's still alive. He turned it off. Jack's okay. I didn't give up Teal'c. Everyone's okay. I close my eyes and hug my knees to my chest, taking deep, shaky breaths. Alive. Alive. They're alive. It's okay. Then I realize I'm shaking like a leaf because I know this isn't the end. It's only okay for now. I look bleakly over to my right and see they're both still unconscious. The next time Reigar will kill one of them.
Teal'c, where are you?
I drop my head onto my knees. Do I sacrifice one friend to save another? Or do I protect one and forfeit the other? No matter what I do, there will be no absolution for the consequences.
Wake up, Jack. Wake up, and tell me what I'm supposed to do. Wake up, and tell me you've got a plan to get us the hell out of here before I get one of us killed.
***
Part 4 - "Dial us up!"
*Jack O'Neill*
I give the door a satisfying kick and scramble out of the cage. "Daniel, dial us up. We'll lay down cover." I accept the zat gun Carter offers me and step outside into the firefight already in progress. The big guy came through, just like I knew he would.
With the three others blasting away with those energy weapons and me zatting every Medrosian I can see, we lay down cover for Daniel who runs flat out for the DHD. There are some near misses, but he manages to slide into the hole where it's half-buried without getting hit. But he's so engrossed with punching in the symbols he forgets to keep his head down and one guy nearly takes it off with a shot. I take care of him before he gets another chance at it and a few moments later I see the Stargate light up. None of us have our GDO's and all we can do is keep blasting away until we hear Teal'c's all-clear signal. Daniel scrambles out of the protection of the hole and makes for the Stargate in a rain of energy blasts. That boy is clearly leading a charmed life today.
That's one safe.
"Carter, go!"
Obediently, she takes off for the Stargate, never letting go of that nifty energy tazer weapon we just acquired.
That's two safe.
I look down at the guy who brought us here and who is now helping us escape. "Nyan, can you cover me?" I've got to get over to Teal'c in that ship. From what I can see from here, he's been injured and is probably going to need some help getting to the Stargate.
He gives me a nod. "I will."
I take off for the ship, and manage to throw myself in without taking a hit. But I almost take a hit from inside as Teal'c reflexively brings up his weapon to bear. "Teal'c!" He stumbles a bit like he's dazed and leans against the side of the ship for support. "You look a little rough there, Teal'c," I tell him in what is a good-sized understatement. I hear a droning sound and look up to see what look like small fighters bearing down on us. "We've gotta go," I tell him, and he nods, still looking way too shaky. I take his arm and we brace ourselves a moment before stepping out once more into the obstacle course of energy blasts and making for the Stargate as fast as we can, which isn't overly fast given Teal'c's condition.
We're halfway there when I hear a cry as Nyan takes a direct hit and goes down behind us. Reigar. He left cover to take out Nyan, and now he's standing there in the open, gloating at having taken out a civilian. Guy seems to like pushing around civilians. I bring my zat gun up a instant before he can reciprocate and fire. Oh yeah. There's one for Daniel. See how you like it, you son-of-a-bitch. It's tempting, but I restrain myself from pulling the trigger twice. "Teal'c!"
Teal'c is already helping Nyan to his feet. "He is coming with us, O'Neill."
The more the merrier. Nobody should be forced to stay on this stinking planet. Besides, if Reigar got his hands on him, I wouldn't give much for Nyan's life expectancy. With the little guy between us, and those ships dropping weapons fire like napalm, we make it to the Stargate and dive inside.
That's five safe. We're home.
***
With Teal'c and Nyan safely in Fraiser's hands, I submit to the requisite post-mission exam, knowing the infirmary is one team member short. As Fraiser opens her mouth to state the obvious, I tell her, "I'll get him," and head out, glad as always to get out of that place. I'm pretty sure I know where he is and why he's there.
A few minutes later I stand in the open doorway of his office, hands in my pockets, and watch him. He's sitting at his desk, the only light his desk lamp, and as far as I can tell, he's staring at absolutely nothing...except perhaps the images in his mind.
I take a step inside. "Hey."
He doesn't look up, but I get a quiet, "Hey," in return.
Taking that as an invitation, I saunter into the dim office and casually lean against his desk. "Doc Fraiser's waiting for you."
"I'm okay."
Leaning over, I lightly tap his right hand, careful to avoid the ugly burn there. "How many more of these are you carrying around?" I ask conversationally.
He makes a face and shrugs.
"I didn't quite hear that."
He sighs heavily and makes a vague motion toward his shoulder. "Just one."
That accounts for the two times I heard him cry out. Bastard Reigar must've put that energy stick right against his bare skin and held it there. Makes me wish I'd held that zat gun on him a little longer. "We need to get those checked out," I tell him quietly and push away from the desk, inviting him to follow. But he just sits there, and after a moment he shakes his head, the same look of shock in his eyes I saw there after Reigar had him in his hands for over an hour.
"How do you do it, Jack?"
Oh, one little question that could mean any number of things, with no easy answers to any of them. I drop into the chair beside the desk where I can see his still profile; this might take a while. "Do what?"
His voice is a little hoarse like he has a cold, but I know he doesn't. "You've had to give orders that have sent men to their deaths before, haven't you?"
I nod, even though he's not looking at me. "Yeah, I have."
"How do you do it?" His voice cracks at the end, and he looks down, staring at his hands, clenched into fists on top of the desk. There's a whole mixture of emotions in his voice: anger, bewilderment, defeat, fear. "How do you live with yourself, knowing --" He breaks off suddenly and snaps his head around to look at me, guilt swamping his features. "I'm sorry," he said quickly. "I shouldn't have said that."
"It's a legitimate question, Daniel," I tell him quietly, "especially after what happened." He grimaces and looks away again, his lips pressing together into a straight line. I have always remembered that Daniel is a civilian, of course, but this time it's really driven home to me. I've had to make plenty of decisions in the field that resulted in men dying, but the people under me have always been soldiers, they've always understood why the decisions had been made and have been prepared for the outcome. Daniel doesn't have the benefit of that training, experience, or mindset, and it's no wonder he's floundering, and no wonder I'm at a loss here. I wish I knew how to explain this to him, to take away the guilt and confusion he's carrying on his shoulders right now.
"You did the right thing, Daniel."
He actually flinches at that, although he tries to hide it. "Even if it got you and Sam killed?"
"Even then," I say firmly.
"Unacceptable," he snaps, his voice almost shaking with anger.
I nod my understanding; none of this surprises me. "You think you should have been able to save us all. You think you should have been able to protect Teal'c and keep Carter and me alive at the same time."
"Yes!"
"Daniel, Teal'c was our only chance at rescue. If you gave him up, we would have had no chance."
"We would all have been alive," he argues. "As long as we were alive, we had a chance."
Oh, it sounds so simple, doesn't it? "All that would have done is give Reigar another hostage. One more person to kill in order to get you to talk. He thought we were spies. Capturing Teal'c was only the first step. After that, he'd do whatever it took to get you to admit being a spy and get all those secrets from you that you didn't have to give." I pause to give him time to digest that, then add flatly, "Or, since Teal'c killed one of his men, he may have just had him executed on the spot."
He's flexing his right hand where the burn is. "I suppose there's some little military rule book out there that tells you all that," he says bitterly. "Maybe I should read it sometime. Does it tell you how to live with sacrificing one friend to save another?"
"I wish it did."
I don't realize I've spoken out loud until I see Daniel staring at me, his teeth catching his lower lip. He looks down at his hands again. "Jack, maybe you'd better leave," he says wearily. "I don't want to talk about it, and I'm already saying things I regret."
Leave him alone with his thoughts? Oh yeah, that's a good idea. Ranks right up there with going back to Medrosia to have a picnic. "Think I'll stick around a while longer," I say casually, watching his mouth tighten in annoyance. "At least until I'm sure you understand."
"Understand what?" he asks testily.
I lean closer to him, resting my elbows on my knees. "That there are no easy answers here, Daniel. And that I can't sit here and tell you something like this won't happen again. We're a first contact team, and frankly, sometimes first contact sucks. But if it does happen again, if we find ourselves in another situation like this, I trust you to make the right decision."
He shakes his head. "I don't know if I can, Jack. I don't know if I can do this."
"You proved you can."
He takes his glasses off and lays them on the desk, rubbing his eyes. I see his hand isn't quite steady. "You don't know how close I came. When you fell against those bars and were being slowly electrocuted..." He gives his head a sharp shake as if to banish the memory.
I make a face, but shrug it off, "I don't remember that part."
"Lucky you." He takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly, then turns to look at me. "If he hadn't turned it off, I would've given up Teal'c," he says defiantly, his voice rising angrily. "I couldn't just sit there and let you die."
Bingo. We've finally arrived at where we need to be. The truth? I couldn't have sat there and let him die either. Like I said, there are no easy answers.
"I know," I say quietly.
His mouth drops. "You know? But you -- you just said I did the right thing."
"You did."
The muscle in his jaw is working furiously. "Jack, if you're deliberately trying to confuse me, you're doing a fine job," he snaps. "How the hell am I supposed to know what I should do in a situation like that?"
"I told you what you should do. I also told you there are no easy answers." Very gently, I tell him, "It's not always possible to do what you should do."
He's chewing on his bottom lip again, his eyes on my face. Finally, he blurts, "What would you have done?"
Somehow I knew it would come to this. I knew it wouldn't matter what military protocol says he should have done as much as what I tell him I would have done. Looking him right in the eye, I say very carefully, "I would have done exactly what you did, Daniel. I would have held on as long as I could, knowing my team mates were willing to take whatever Reigar could hand out in order to protect Teal'c's freedom." I shake my head. "But I couldn't have sat there and let him kill you or Carter. I'd have tried something else, anything, to buy us time and keep you alive. Which is exactly what you did."
There's an almost physical change in Daniel. It's like someone popped a balloon inside him that was holding him stiff and upright. I see his eyes slide shut and his shoulders relax as it finally sinks in. He doesn't even realize how strong he is or how we all trust him with our lives just as readily as he trusts us.
"I need to tell Teal'c."
I feel my eyebrows climb at that quiet statement. "About?"
He shoots me a sideways look. "About how I was ready to give him up."
Oh, Dannyboy's not ready to let go of this yet. Knowing exactly what Teal'c is going to say to that, I manage to suppress my smile and agree, "Yeah, that's probably a good idea."
He'd been ready for an argument and is surprised when he doesn't get one. "He has a right to know," he points out a little aggressively.
"Sure he does." Maybe I'm a bit too agreeable because his look is turning decidedly suspicious, so to distract him, I quickly get to my feet and take his elbow. "Infirmary," I order. "Now."
He rises without any resistance and allows me to escort him out into the hallway. But suddenly he plants his feet and looks at me guiltily. "Teal'c, Nyan? I didn't even ask --"
"On the mend," I tell him easily, managing to get him moving again. "Junior's doing whatever it is he -- it -- does, and Doc says Nyan was shaken but not stirred."
"What?"
Obviously not conversant with the James Bond lingo. I file that information away for later. The guy has spent so much of his life studying ancient cultures he's missed out on a lot of modern ones. I'm already planning our next evening at my place as we move toward the infirmary: Dr. No, obviously; From Russia With Love, oh yeah. And let's just throw in Goldfinger for good measure. I'll have this boy introducing himself as 'Jackson, Daniel Jackson' before you know it...
***
Part 5 - Epilog
Journal Entry, Earth
Back home finally. I ended up spending the weekend at Jack's place, held captive to a marathon showing of James Bond movies for reasons known only to Jack. Okay, it wasn't that bad, really. I hadn't been sure I was going to be able to sleep, but they turned out to be a wonderful sedative. Jack enjoyed them, though.
I'm still not sure how it happened, but after I got my burns treated I somehow ended up in Jack's jeep and then at his place. And maybe I wasn't fighting it too hard because I was having a tough time letting go of what happened on Medrosia, and it felt pretty good to have Jack for company. Having him around was a constant reassurance that everything turned out all right.
At least something good came out of our mission to Medrosia. We brought Nyan back with us, and he'll have a life here doing what he loves to do away from the military oppression of his home world. That was probably the hardest thing for me to accept. Up to this point, the most vicious situations we've been in were as a result of Goa'uld despotism. The Medrosians were human, not under Goa'uld control, on par with us technologically, and yet they... I guess Jack was right when he said it was like being a prisoner of war in places here on Earth. He would know. I was only in that cage for one day, but Jack had been a prisoner of war for a very long time under conditions far worse than that.
But it wasn't the actual imprisonment or even what Reigar did to me that I can't get out of my mind. It's the fact that I was the only thing standing between Reigar and my friends' lives, and I knew I couldn't protect them all. I still haven't been able to completely resolve that conflict in my mind. Jack told me I did the right thing and even told me he would have done the same thing, and that means a lot to me. It probably means more to me than he knows. Teal'c told me the same thing, even after I told him how close I was to giving him up. But every time I think about the decision hanging over my head of having to betray one friend to save another I feel sick inside. I wouldn't know how to live with that. I'm still trying to live with the fact that I wasn't able to save my Sha're.
I hate what Reigar did to me. Not just the interrogation; I hate what he did to me inside.
Jack and I talked about that. I wasn't planning to, but after he took a smack to the face trying to wake me up from the first nightmare, he let it be known that I didn't have any choice. He said he didn't care who I talked to, but I had to talk to someone. I think Jack's the only one I really could talk to about it. He understood everything I went through on Medrosia and the decision I faced, and he understood what I'm feeling now.
We didn't resolve everything, but it must have helped some because last night I slept the night through without the Technicolor surround-sound replay in my head, complete with the twist at the end where I'm in a cage forced to watch each of my friends slowly suffocate after Reigar sprays them with a toxic gold paint. I've already told Jack: no more James Bond movies.
Jack's words after the Makepeace Affair have come back to haunt me: he said until I walked a mile in his boots and was responsible for the lives of my team members I could never understand what it had been like for him during that time. I've always thought that Jack could have insisted his team be told about his undercover mission and Thor would have agreed eventually. I understand now that Jack didn't insist because he was trying to protect us, even though he knew he was risking our friendship. Until now I never really thought too much about Jack's experiences with command or really even about the decisions he makes every time we go through the Stargate and what they might cost him. I only had a taste of that experience, but it has opened my eyes a little. And if he ever needs someone to talk to about those decisions or what they cost, I'm going to make sure I'm here for him.
D. Jackson
© July 15, 2000 The characters mentioned in this story are the property of Showtime and Gekko Film Corp. The Stargate, SG-I, the Goa’uld and all other characters who have appeared in the series STARGATE SG-1 together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of MGM-UA Worldwide Television, Gekko Film Corp, Glassner/Wright Double Secret Productions and Stargate SG-I Prod. Ltd. Partnership. This fanfic is not intended as an infringement upon those rights and solely meant for entertainment. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author.