CHAPTER 17 - CRYSTAL SKULL
Revelations
Part 1 - Prologue
Journal Entry, Earth
Nicholas Ballard. Now there's a name from the past. I haven't thought about Nick in... well, in a while. There was no point, really. He'd made it clear -- both when I was eight years old and again four years ago -- that he didn't want anything to do with me. Took a while, but it finally sank in.
Once I was on my own and when I could afford the travel, I visited him whenever I could. I mean, he is my only living relative and I guess I was hoping to establish some kind of relationship with him. Better late than never, I told myself. And I thought my mother would want me to. After all, she was his only child. I'd hoped, too, to find out more about my parents and more about my mother when she was a child. But I found out very quickly Nick wasn't going to be any help there. When Mom was growing up, Nick was off on digs somewhere, and I don't think he even remembered he had a daughter until she was an archaeologist herself.
I remember once when Jack rented all three of the Indiana Jones movies while I was convalescing from something or other at his place -- the only way Janet would let me out of the infirmary -- because he thought I'd 'love all that grave-robber stuff'. He didn't realize he was going to get treated to an hour-long lecture on what the myth of Indiana Jones had done to the discipline of archaeology. But we watched them anyhow, and I'll never forget a scene in the last movie between Indiana and his father, Professor Jones. Apparently Indy's father was always too involved in his work to pay much attention to Indiana when he was growing up and in this scene tells his now-adult son that 'he left just when he was becoming interesting.' I think that's how it must have been for Mom and Nick. I don't think he ever really paid much attention to her until she was able to communicate with him more or less on his level and about his interests. Which makes me realize all over again how lucky I was in my parents. They took me everywhere with them, and we talked about everything.
Poor Sam. Once she found out I had a living grandfather she was bursting to ask questions. Ever since our visit to the Keeper's planet, though, she's been very careful about asking me about my family. If I bring up the subject, then she'll assume it's okay to talk about it; but if I don't, she doesn't ask. She's protective that way with me, and that's one of the reasons I love her: she cares enough to be protective even when I don't need it.
It hadn't been ten minutes after my brief lecture on crystal skulls when she showed up in my lab, two cups of coffee in hand, and I could see her eyes were brimming with curiosity. She handed me the coffee without cream, and her gaze lit on the book I had open in front of me. The name 'Nicholas Ballard' fairly jumped off the page and there was a large photo of my grandfather in 1971 with his find.
"That's your grandfather?" she asked, watching closely for my reaction.
I knew if I hesitated in the least she'd drop the subject immediately, but I just turned the book around so she could get a better look. "That's Nick," I confirmed.
"Your mother's father?"
I nodded.
"So she followed in Nick's footsteps, and you followed in your parents'."
"Hmm, I'm not sure she actually followed in Nick's. I don't think she really knew him very well until she was already well on her way to being an archaeologist herself." At Sam's surprised look, I elaborated, "He was always off on digs somewhere. From what I gather, her mother pretty much raised Mom on her own while Nick was off exploring. My grandmother died before I was born, though, so I never knew her."
"Oh."
There was a wealth unsaid in that simple word. During many of our nights spent in research together in one lab or another, we'd often tell each other stories to give ourselves a break. Sam's stories were always filled with family members -- her parents, both sets of grandparents, her brother, tons of cousins. They moved around a lot because of her father's Air Force career, but I gather her grandparents always managed to stay in touch and visit as often as possible.
"So, did you see him often when you were growing up?"
She was kind of feeling her way around with the questions she was asking, not wanting to offend or upset me and not realizing she couldn't do either where I was concerned. "Not really. His field of study was Mayan culture, and my parents were Egyptologists. Basically, we were on different continents most of the time."
She was studying the photo with a little frown, and when she looked up I could guess what she was dying to ask, so I told her. "My dad was an only child, too, and his parents were killed in a car accident when I was just a baby. So Nick was really the only family I had left when my parents died." I shrugged, trying not to let the old hurt resurface and certainly not let Sam see it. "We really didn't know each other back then, and besides, you couldn't expect a man whose life was exploring the planet to give that up to look after an eight year old boy."
The fierce glint in Sam's eyes told me she could indeed expect that and a lot more, but she swallowed what she might have said with an effort and gave me a pat on the arm. "We leave in an hour," she reminded me, slipping back into big sister mode with easy practice. "Don't get caught up in something and forget the time."
I gazed haughtily down my nose at her. "As if."
She just gave me a knowing look and headed for the door.
"After all," I called out, "we have to get out there so you can study those nintendos, right, Sam?"
She rolled her eyes and then she was out the door.
I sat looking at Nick's picture a while longer, then closed the book and put it back in its place on the bookshelf.
Part 2 - "Where's Doctor Jackson?"
*Jack O'Neill*
Hot. Smell. Infirmary. Daniel. Skull. Carter.
I hear a low moan as I try to find my head. Feels like it's going to explode.
"He's coming to, sir."
Fraiser. The lights are too bright, and I try to shade my eyes as I struggle to bring her into a sort of fuzzy focus. "Carter? Daniel?"
Fraiser doesn't quite look at me. "She's...still unconscious."
What she's not saying comes through loud and clear. Oh, Christ. Where's Doctor Jackson? For a moment I'm back on the ramp of the Stargate, we're wet, holding each other up, and I hear myself saying, "Daniel's dead, sir."
"Teal'c is better off than both of you --" Fraiser's voice snaps me back to the present and I turn my head to see Teal'c lying on the next bed, looking healthy as a... Jaffa -- "his symbiote is helping him." Way to go, Junior. "It was close, Colonel. If you hadn't left when you did..."
Why am I so damned... "Hot."
"Yes, I know." Fraiser blots my face with a cool cloth. "We're trying to keep your temperature down..." I watch her lips, but I'm only getting about one word out of four. "Essentially, your internal thermostat went haywire," she explains. "Your respiration, heartbeat and temperature have been fluctuating wildly."
Got that. "No kiddin'."
The general must have been looming right outside my line of vision because he suddenly speaks up, "As for Doctor Jackson, Colonel, he never returned with you."
Daniel's dead, sir. Goddamnit, get out of my head!
"He is no longer there, General Hammond." Teal'c sits up on his bed, shoulders and back straight, giving the kind of concise report I can't manage because all I can think of is that we're here and Daniel's not. We left him behind...again. "The skull enveloped him in an energy field. I fired my zat'nik'atel but it was too late. He seemed to disappear."
Engulfed in flames. Seemed to disappear. I can't keep my thoughts straight. So hot. Like fire. Like being engulfed in flames. I feel a sharp prick in my arm and begin to drift away.
Part 3 - "The guy we need working on that skull is Daniel."
*Daniel Jackson*
"Hey!" My indignant shout seems to fill the 'gate Room, but no one is paying attention. I'm two steps behind Teal'c and just barely make it out of the wormhole as the guys in the control room shut it down.
Teal'c is handing over the skull to Sergeant Siler, and I hear him tell General Hammond, "Regrettably there was no sign of Daniel Jackson." That means it wasn't something on the planet that kept Teal'c from seeing me. Nobody else can see me either. Oh, geez, my hand goes right through the general. It's like I'm not even here. But I am here, damn it. Why can't you see me?
"...as soon as she's fully recovered."
Sam? "Recovered from what?" The general and Teal'c move away, leaving me standing here as if I don't even exist. "What happened?" Damn it! What is going on? What happened to Sam? And where's Jack?
I hurry after Teal'c, trotting to keep up with his longer strides as he heads for the infirmary. I keep talking to him, trying to touch him, anything in an attempt to get through to him that I'm here. I had a feeling on the planet that Teal'c sensed me somehow or at least sensed something, and so I continue to try to get through to him. I have a nasty flashback to the alternate universe I accidentally visited a couple of years ago. Same, but different. There, no one knew who I was, and worse, no one cared. This time I'm in my own universe, but no one knows I'm here. They can't see me. They can't hear me. They can't feel me. I might as well be in another reality.
I see Jack as soon as I walk into the infirmary. He's awake, lying on his side, and he looks pissed. Relief sweeps through me. Alive and well, and now I know why he wasn't in the Gate Room. I follow Teal'c over to Sam's bed and look down at her. She isn't awake, and in fact she seems to be unconscious.
"She's going to be fine, Teal'c." Janet is taking her pulse, looking blessedly unworried. "Her exposure wasn't long enough to cause any permanent damage."
Radiation. I remember now. Janet warned us about the radiation. But Sam's okay.
"Doc!"
Oh, geez, Jack. Way to go getting on Janet's good side. From the way she rips that curtain aside and glares at him, I'm guessing Jack hasn't exactly been a model patient. Everyone who's surprised, raise your hand.
As Janet lays down the law -- her law, the only one that matters in here -- I try to figure out what the hell is going on. Janet uses her 'doctor's orders' prerogative and marches away.
"News?"
I look at Jack a little closer and see how tired he looks. He's not as well as he wants to think he is.
"Daniel Jackson was nowhere in the vicinity of the pyramid."
Oh, Teal'c, if you only knew.
"What the hell happened to him?"
I didn't touch anything, if that's what you're thinking.
"I do not believe the skull is a weapon, O'Neill."
"Well, you're right about that; it's not a weapon."
"It is indeed a teleportation device..."
"No, something else happened." I stare at my hand, remembering how it went right through General Hammond. I wasn't teleported so what happened to me? And, oh God, if they think I've been teleported, they're going to be working on the wrong assumption from the very beginning...
"Doctor Rothman is now studying it."
Robert's a good man. I trained him myself --
"Rothman couldn't figure out an ashtray."
Oh, come on, Jack, you've never given the guy a chance. I don't know what you did to him when he filled in for me that time, but he all but hides behind me when you walk into a room.
"The guy we need working on that skull is Daniel."
If you'd just go a little easier on -- what did you say? You sound like you actually mean that, Jack. I stare at him, searching for something, an expression on his face, a look in his eyes, that tells me he's yanking my chain, again. But... Well. I guess since you don't know I'm here listening to you... that means you really do mean it, don't you?
That takes a few moments to sink in, but when it does it goes a long way toward warming the cold fear that is seeping through me. Well, what do you know? He really does trust me to know my job.
There's a loud thud, and I look around quickly to see Jack lying flat on his face on the bed and Teal'c looking remarkably smug. I don't think I want to know what that was all about.
Part 4 - "Is there someone present?"
*Daniel Jackson*
I wish Teal'c knew I was here. We've done this so often together, meditating in his room, sharing the peace and the silence.
He first taught me Kel-no-reem when Jack and Sam were missing in Antarctica. Well, actually, to be precise, he introduced me to meditation during that time. I was beside myself with worry, trying to figure out where they were, and I just couldn't rest. He convinced me if I meditated with him I'd be able to revive myself and go without sleep while I continued to search. I was so tired I fell for it, and we were about three minutes into his 'lesson', complete with dark room and softly burning candles, when I pretty much passed out and got the rest I needed -- just like he'd planned.
I didn't really learn to meditate properly until after the incident with the sarcophagus. Even after I had kicked the addiction I was so screwed up I couldn't concentrate on anything. I think Jack was on the verge of recommending I see a shrink -- which told me just how worried he was -- when Teal'c asked me to join him in Kel-no-reem. It took a while, and it was no miracle cure, but eventually I was able to attain a sense of peace from meditating, and it really did help me get through the worst of the after-effects of that experience. Teal'c and I have been meditating together regularly since then.
Well, not always regularly. There was a time after Sha're's death that I didn't come here. Looking back on that time, with a lot more perspective now than I had then, I can see I wasn't a very nice person to be around. I was harboring a lot of anger -- at myself, the world in general, and everyone who tried to get near me -- and I wasn't particular about how I showed it or who got caught up in it.
I still cringe when I think about the confrontation Jack and I had in the briefing room over Kira. Jack and I were having some other issues at the time, mostly because he couldn't believe Sha're had communicated to me through the ribbon device while Amaunet was using it to kill me. So I was angry at him to start with, and the situation with Kira just made the whole thing worse. I still think I was right about Kira, but I had no right doing what I did to Teal'c in that room -- and it was a low blow to use that 'who would you trust with your life more than anyone else' line with Jack, too.
I didn't blame Teal'c for his role in Sha're's death, at least not consciously, but I can see now that I was 'punishing' him just the same. Even though I didn't actually make a decision not to meditate with Teal'c during that time, I realized later that I had begun finding other things to do instead. I didn't even know I was doing it until the day Jack walked into my office to find me going through Sha're's belongings.
When he stood there and told me he had always believed in me, it was like all the lingering, simmering anger and hurt just drained away. I know it can't have been that simple, but that's the way it felt. I didn't know until that moment just how much I'd needed to hear something like that from Jack. I missed him during the time we'd been edging around each other and throwing wary looks at one another. I suddenly realized how much I needed the support of my friends and how much they had all been trying to give that support, but I had turned them away.
That evening I went to Teal'c's room. He welcomed me, as he always does, he forgave me, and invited me to join him. He didn't blame me for the way I'd acted, even though I am still ashamed when I think of it. Neither one of us said anything about my long absence, but I could tell he was both pleased and relieved. I've been coming here regularly ever since.
I open my eyes and look across the candles at Teal'c. He's deep in meditation; I haven't been able to even come close. I spent most of the day wandering around the base trying to get people to acknowledge my existence. I even went and sat with Jack for a while. For some reason I thought he might sense I was nearby... but he just laid there in the infirmary, scowling at the wall and ignoring the nurses who came by to take his vitals. I jumped up and down, waved my arms, and even tried shouting in his ear, but nothing.
I'm beginning to realize I may be trapped like this forever. At least... at least I'm back home and I can be with my friends, even if they don't know I'm here. And I have Teal'c to thank for that. Even though he can't hear me, I want to thank him.
"Teal'c, in case I don't ever get the chance to say this, if you hadn't come back for me, I might've been stuck in that place forever." I offer him a smile he can't see. "So, thank you."
Suddenly his eyes snap open, and it's like he's looking right at me. I hold my breath, but he turns his head, looking around the room.
"Is there someone present?"
"Yes!" He knows I'm here. Maybe the meditation allowed him to reach some state of consciousness that he can sense me. I climb quickly to my feet, standing right in front of him. "Yes, it's... it's me, it's Daniel. I'm right here." Oh, please see me. "I'm right here." He looks at the door and my spirits sink. "Just don't walk through me..." Oh, geez, I hate that. "It's... very disconcerting." He doesn't see me at all; he walks through me like I'm not even here.
Swallowing my bitter disappointment, I follow him into the corridor and move to stand in front of him. He's looking around like he expects to see someone, but the corridor is empty, except for me. "You sensed I was in the room. You just can't see or hear me... which is a little frustrating as you may imagine." He gives one last look around, then turns and goes back into his room, shutting the door firmly behind him.
I stand for a moment, staring at the closed door, then turn and leave.
***
Without consciously thinking about it, I realize I've come to the infirmary. I immediately see the bed Jack had been occupying is empty, and Janet is standing over by Sam, who is conscious and looking a whole lot better, thank goodness.
"But you let the colonel go." That's Sam at her wheedling best.
"The colonel wasn't as affected as you were by the radiation." And that's Janet at her 'I'm the doctor and what I say goes' best. I could have told Sam she isn't going to win this one. I know; I've tried it often enough. "Besides, he's under orders to rest in his quarters until tomorrow. I just want you to stay in here overnight to be sure. I'll release you first thing tomorrow morning if your vitals are still normal."
"I should be working on that skull," Sam insists, her tone turning genuinely pleading. "I should be trying to find Daniel."
Janet looks close to breaking at that argument, but instead lays a hand on Sam's shoulder. "I know how you feel," she says softly. "But you're not going to do Daniel any good if you collapse and end up back in here. Doctor Rothman is working on --"
"Rothman isn't Daniel," Sam breaks in, a little sharply. When Janet raises her eyebrows in surprise, Sam sighs and rubs her eyes tiredly. "Sorry. I like Robert well enough, and I know he's a good archaeologist, but..."
"But he's not Daniel," Janet supplies, repeating what Sam said with a little smile.
"Not even close."
"The colonel seems to share your feelings," Janet says wryly.
Sam pulls a face. "Poor Robert. The colonel never really gave him a chance."
I thought as much.
"It's not Robert's fault; I know he's good at what he does, but he doesn't have Daniel's gifts."
My...gifts?
Sam smiles to herself. "You know, it's a little scary sometimes watching Daniel work."
I'm scary? What was it my mom always said about eavesdroppers -- they never hear good about themselves? Maybe I don't want to hear this. I turn to leave but freeze at Sam's next words.
"Nobody on this base can touch Daniel when it comes to what he does. You can't be trained to think like that. He follows his instincts; he goes down paths no on else would even consider, and he's always right."
I turn back to stare at her. There's a kind of faraway look in her eyes and a note of pride in her voice that causes my throat to tighten. "I've never worked with anyone like him before, either. He's taught me a lot, Janet. He's taught me to expand the way I think, to not accept the most obvious answer as being the right one or the only one."
Oh, Sam, I didn't teach you that. You always knew it. I just helped you realize the possibilities.
She looks up at Janet, a sad smile on her face. "Let's face it, Daniel opened up the universe for all of us, and our lives haven't been the same since."
The changes haven't always been good ones, Sam. People have died. People have been hurt. You were invaded by a Tok'Ra...
"And you wouldn't change that for anything, would you?" Janet asks softly.
Sam shakes her head. "I can't imagine doing anything else."
You mean that, don't you?
Janet rubs her shoulder soothingly. "You'll find him, Sam. I know none of you will give up until you do."
"You got that right." There's hard determination in her tone as she settles back into her pillow. "We're going to find him. Daniel never gave up on us when the colonel and I were stranded in Antarctica, and we're not about to give up on him."
I wait until Sam has settled into sleep and Janet has gone to answer a call from one of the nurses before I move over to Sam's side. She still looks a little pale, but I know now she's just sleeping. Reaching out, I try to lay a hand on her arm, but of course it goes right through her. Again, I'm reminded that things may be like this for me from now on unless we can find a solution.
"Sam." I know she can't hear me, but I've got to say this and hope somehow it gets through in some way. "If things... don't work out and I don’t get back, it won't be because you didn't try hard enough or couldn't figure it out. So you can't blame yourself, understand? It won't be your fault."
She doesn't open her eyes and I gently 'touch' her hand and turn to leave. But first... I stop and look back, remembering her words. "You've taught me a lot too, Sam," I tell her, then I leave the infirmary.
Stepping out into the corridor I think of what Janet said. Jack under orders to rest? Janet, you should know him better than that. I don't even bother checking his quarters. After a moment's consideration, I head for the cafeteria.
And there he is, over at the table he and I usually end up occupying in the middle of the night. How did I know he was here? How does he always seem to know when I can't sleep and have wandered in here in search of a fresh cup of coffee?
I stand on the other side of the table and study his face as he stares into his cup of coffee. He looks tired. And worried. And he really should be in bed. I want to reassure him, and even though I know he can't hear me any more than Teal'c or Sam could, I can't help trying.
"I'm right here, Jack," I tell him. "I'm here and I'm... okay. I mean, I'm not in any danger, I guess. I haven't been captured by a Goa'uld, and I’m not being tortured. I'm not in any pain. I know that's what you're thinking. I also know you're blaming yourself for leaving me behind, but I've got a pretty good picture of what happened back there, and you didn't have any choice. You could have all died from that radiation if you'd stayed any longer." He keeps staring into his cup and I feel my frustration escalating at my helplessness. "I wish I could make you understand, Jack. And you know, you really should get some rest --"
Suddenly he stands up, his face tight, and leaves the cafeteria. Sighing, I follow. It's going to be a long night.
I match him stride for stride through the corridors, at his shoulder where I have spent so much of my time in the last few years. It doesn't take me long to figure out where he's going, and soon we're standing at the observation window in the briefing room. He's got a fist resting on the glass, and he's bumping it with controlled agitation as he stares at the silent Stargate.
"Damn it, Daniel. Where are you? Where the hell are you?"
"I'm right here, Jack," I tell him with absolutely no hope of him hearing me. I watch my hand go through his shoulder. "Please go get some sleep."
"Even when you're standing there right under my nose I can't keep you out of trouble."
"Well, that's a bit unfair... to both of us."
He's got his arm up on the glass now and he's resting his forehead against his sleeve; I can see the glass fogging gently with his breath. "I promised myself, never again. After Nem, I said, never again. And now, goddamn it, it's happened again."
"I can't believe you're still blaming yourself for that."
"The best we can do is throw Rothman at that skull, and the best he can come up with is squat."
"Come on, Jack, give him a chance --"
"You're the only person who stands a snowball's chance in hell at figuring out this mess, and you're the one who's depending on us to find you."
I remember how I felt when Jack and Sam were missing and we didn't know they were in Antarctica. I remember the fear, the frustration, the desperation. And that was without the add-on guilt I would have felt if I had been the one 'in charge', the one who felt he was responsible for everything bad that happened to every member of his team regardless of circumstances. Jack must be carrying quite a load by now. The worst part is, I have no idea how to help him. Even before I became this... invisible person by his side, I didn't know how to help him with that.
We stand here a long time looking down at the empty 'gate room. I actually jump when he suddenly hits the thick glass with his fist, wincing for him because that must have jarred his arm clear up to the shoulder. But he doesn't show any reaction at all. All he does is turn abruptly away and walk out of the room, his face closed and unreadable.
With a sigh, I follow. It really is going to be a long night, but if Jack plans to spend it prowling the corridors, then I'll be by his side, even if he doesn't know I'm there.
***
Part 5 - "By the way...he's insane."
*Jack O'Neill*
I hate these places. I mean, I really hate these places. The smell of 'em, the 'feel' of 'em, the blank faces of the inmates. As soon as we stepped inside and I got a whiff of this place, it sent me right back to Mental Health that time Daniel... Not a good memory.
It occurs to me I've been having way too many flashbacks and weird feelings since that bout of radiation sickness. It's like when Nem kidnapped Daniel, and I kept seeing those images of bubbles and Daniel screaming for help. This time it's different. Okay, I can blow off the creepy-crawly feeling I've got right now thanks to the wonderful ambiance of this place, but a couple of times last night when I was wandering the halls of the SGC it felt like someone touched my neck with an ice cube. That is not normal.
Nobody says anything as we follow the nurse who's leading us to Nicholas Ballard. What's there to say? We've exhausted every other possibility, and now we're here to see a crazy man who claims he was transported to see aliens because he's our last hope of finding Daniel. God help us.
As we step inside the room, an old guy in blue pajamas looks at us with open curiosity as the doctor introduces us. I don't know what I was expecting, an older version of Daniel maybe, but I don’t really see anything of Daniel in this guy. I study him as he frankly studies me. So this is Daniel's grandfather. He looks harmless enough. But then, so did Daniel when I first laid eyes on him. Hammond has already cleared the way for us, but I remind the doctor this is a closed meeting, and he bows out, leaving us alone with Nick.
Nicholas introduces himself with a hand on his chest, "Nick." It reminds me immediately of how Daniel introduces himself to new life forms. A hand on his chest to indicate himself. Daniel. Daniel Jackson. This better lead to something because the best and the brightest minds left at the SGC have no other ideas about how we're going to get Daniel back, and he has already been missing too long.
"Jack..." I hold out my hand and Nick frowns at it as if he doesn't know what it's for. "O'Neill," I continue, slowly sitting down in the only other chair in the room. "Colonel."
"Daniel," he says in an accented voice, "followed my footsteps."
Well, thank goodness he didn't follow you the whole way. "You must be very proud." And why haven't I heard zip about you from Daniel?
"He made a fool of himself," he says flatly.
Ah, this may be why...
"He staked his entire academic career on his belief that the great pyramids of Egypt were made by aliens."
And, of course, Daniel couldn't tell you that he was right. And neither can I. "Yes, well that's..."
Nick's getting wound up now. "He was more insane than I was. I told him so. I told him to forget all that nonsense."
So Daniel's got a total of one living relative, an archaeologist like himself, and you tell him he's nuts, and his theories are nonsense. Oh good one, Nick. Don't you think he could have used your support? I sneak a look at Carter and see that she can't even look at Nick. I don't blame her. I'm having kind of a tough time myself listening to all this crap about Daniel from a guy who apparently didn't care enough about him to be a part of his life when the kid's folks were killed.
"He lost his apartment, his research grant. He hasn't published a paper in two years."
And now he's got a deluxe apartment stuffed with artifacts from all over the galaxy, he's the highest ranking civilian in the most classified project in the US Military, and he hasn't had time to publish a paper because he's been kinda busy exploring the goddamned universe!
"Now where is he? Where is he now?"
Thank goodness Carter steps in before I can open my mouth. "Well, in a way, that's what this is all about. We wanted to hear exactly what happened to you back in '71 when you first found that skull."
It's like a curtain falls over Nick's face and he stands, turning away. "Nothing happened," he says shortly. "There were no aliens." Then he turns back and says, "No one believed me."
I take a shot. "Daniel believed you."
"He didn't," Nick says flatly and sits down again. "He wanted to." He sounds a little sad and resigned. "He did listen. In the end, he did not believe in my theories of the skull just as I did not believe his theories of the pyramids and the aliens."
I can only shake my head at two people who could have supported each other but probably didn't know how to reach out and ask for or accept that kind of support. Daniel's come a long way since then. But Daniel is still missing, and this guy may be our only hope of finding him so somehow I have to get through to him. "Nick," I say slowly, "can you tell us what happened when you found that skull?"
He's immediately wary. "Why?"
I weigh my words carefully. "Because we found another skull, identical to the one you found in Belize."
Immediately Nick's eyes light up in a way I've so often seen Daniel's brighten when he's on the verge of some wonderful discovery. "Show me."
"It's in a high-security facility at the moment," Carter says quickly. "But if you'd tell us about your experiences, we'd..."
"Then take me there," Nick insists.
"We can't do that," I explain, hanging onto my patience by a thread. We've already wasted too much time flying out here, time Daniel may not have. "It's classified."
There's a look of unholy triumph in the old guy's eyes. "If you don't, then I won't tell you anything." With that, he stands and walks over to the window, looking out through the blinds. "It's up to you."
It's up to me. And Hammond made it clear --
"Sir?"
I hear the carefully controlled anxiety in Carter's voice and sense Teal'c now standing right behind my left shoulder, silently adding his own voice to Carter's.
There's really no question as to what I'm going to do. Daniel has not only saved all our lives on one occasion or the other, he also saved this entire planet when he managed to bring back the coordinates to Apophis' ship and convince me he hadn't hallucinated his whole trip to the alternate reality. And I am not going to sit here on my ass and do nothing if there's any chance Nick can help us get Daniel back, classified project be damned.
"We'll take you."
Nick turns from the window, a little smile of victory on his lips. "Then I will tell you everything."
Just let it be enough to get Daniel back.
***
Part 6 - "He's a very close friend."
*Daniel Jackson*
"Colonel, there is no greater secret in this nation than the Stargate."
It doesn't surprise me that Jack broke protocol and probably disobeyed General Hammond's orders to bring Nick back to the Mountain. That's the kind of leader -- and friend -- Jack is. He'll put himself on the line when any of his team is in danger.
"So we keep him away from level 28." Jack isn't going to back down on this, but he's not the person with the final decision. General Hammond could still order Nick removed from the facility. In which case Nick will prove just how stubborn he is and not tell them anything about his experience with the Belize skull, and I'm liable to be stuck like this forever. Forever... forever may not be so long. Who knows how long I can live in this state?
The general is incredulous. "A civilian? Who spent the last twenty years of his life in a psychiatric institution?"
Oh, good point. Definitely a man to be trusted.
Jack rocks back on his heels. "Exactly! Who's going to believe him if he says anything?"
There's the hint of an admiring smile on the general's lips as he sinks down into his chair. "Colonel, you walk a fine line."
I don't believe it. Jack, you did it.
Jack looks nearly as surprised as I am as he says, "Thank you, sir," and then makes a hasty exit.
I move to follow, then stop to look at the general. This is the most frustrating thing imaginable. Everyone is working so hard to bring me back, and I can't tell them I'm already here or thank them for everything they're doing.
The phone rings and the general picks it up. "Hammond."
Even if I can't communicate with anyone, I've got to say it. "General, I know you can't hear me, but thank you." You probably disobeyed an order or two yourself by allowing Nick to stay here.
"Absolutely. Put her through." I turn to leave when I hear the general's voice soften. "Kayla, sweetheart, this is Grandpa. Isn't this past your bedtime?"
His granddaughter. I know I shouldn't, but...I linger for a moment. I never thought of the general as 'Grandpa'. Listen to him. He runs the most classified operation in the country and he still manages to find the time to take a call from his granddaughter and talk about the tooth she just lost. Just for a moment I try to imagine what it would be like to have a grandfather who cared about a lost tooth that didn't come out of a 3,000 year old skull. Oh, what's the point? I stopped putting baby teeth under my pillow a long time ago. You keep right on taking those phone calls, General. They mean more to Kayla than you can imagine.
"I'd love to come to see you in your school play tomorrow night, sweetheart, but can't."
Come on, General. You can get away for just a few hours. That's all it takes. A couple of hours in the life of a child that will stay with her forever.
His voice changes from softly indulgent to solemn. "Well, a close friend of mine is lost, and he needs my help."
A close...?
"Yes, he's a very close friend."
He's talking about... he means me. I never thought of myself as...
His voice drops to a near whisper as he says, "I hope so, too."
I can't quite take it all in. I mean, Jack and Sam and Teal'c... even Robert. But General Hammond? I guess I never thought of him as... No, that's not true. I do think of him as a friend. But I never realized that he thought of me as one.
With that thought, I take one last look at the general and leave the room.
Part 7 - "Would you forgive me?"
*Daniel Jackson*
"Yes, Daniel, I can see you."
What? All this time and he could -- I'm across the room in an instant, almost shaking with exasperation. "Why didn't you say something?!"
Nick is completely unbothered by my outburst. "You're not real so it doesn't mean anything."
I actually fall to my knees in front of him, pleading with him to believe in my existence. Someone can actually see me! "No, no, no, no, no, Nick. Nick, I'm real. I'm real. You're not hallucinating."
He practically waves that aside. "Hallucinations always say that."
Arrgh! "Not this time, Nick. The skull, the skull did this to me. I'm, I'm trapped. I'm in another dimension. I'm out of phase, something." Nick, look at me, believe me! "Look, all I know is I need your help." Okay, that gets his attention. He's actually looking at me. "If you don't help me, I don’t know how I'm going to get home."
"So what do you want me to do?"
That stops me. What do I want him to do? What can he do? I look up at him, see the intelligence and passion blazing out of his eyes. He can do what I can't. He can talk for me, he can make them understand. He has to make them understand. It won't be easy -- I can just hear Jack's reaction to Nick telling him I'm really here, but I happen to be invisible -- but he's my only chance.
"You're going to be my voice," I tell him firmly, standing and heading for the door. "Come on."
"Daniel."
Pausing by the door, I turn to see he hasn't moved. "Nick, come on. We don't have time to --"
"Will you answer my question?" he asks, his gaze locked with mine.
My mind is already on what's ahead of us. "What question?" I ask impatiently.
Very carefully, with great deliberation, he repeats, "Will you forgive me?"
He actually looks as if the question -- or rather, my answer -- is important to him. Suddenly I hear an impersonal recorded voice inside my head, the one you hear when you're on the phone and put on hold for an indefinite period of time: Your call is very important to us. Is my answer really important to you, Nick? Will it change anything? Don't tell me you've been living with guilt all these years? Funny you never mentioned it before.
"Daniel?"
I shrug. "You were traveling all over the world..."
"That is not what I asked."
I want to just tell him 'yes, I forgive you' and be done with it, put it behind me, and forget about it. But I can't. I take a deep breath, hold it for a long moment, then exhale slowly. "I can forgive you, Nick," I say quietly, "because I've got a family now, people who care about me and look out for me, people I can depend on and trust." I see him relax a fraction and wish I could stop the next words from coming out of my mouth, but I can't: "But that eight-year-old boy didn't have anyone but you, and I'm not sure he's quite ready to forgive you yet."
Nick looks like this is no more than he expected, and he nods as he slowly climbs to his feet. "I understand." As he pulls on his coat, he says, "But I am sorry. If I could go back and change anything..."
"But you can't. None of us can." Smiling faintly as I remember something Jack once told me, I say, "All we can do with the past is learn from it and move on." I motion toward the door. "Come on. You've got a lot of work ahead of you. You're about to find out that tracking down a crystal skull is nothing compared to persuading Jack O'Neill that an invisible Daniel Jackson is in the room."
Part 8 - "Jack, don't be an ass."
*Jack O'Neill*
We struck out with Nick, neither Rothman or Carter have found a way to make that skull work, and the UAV hasn't picked up any signs of Daniel. Enough screwing around. Daniel disappeared on the planet, and that's where we have to go. I just need to get Fraiser to back me up on the idea of a return trip. Carter was affected the most by the radiation so she stays here -- oh, she's going to love that -- but both Teal'c and I are ready to go. I'm just about to start my argument when an airman interrupts, with Nick trailing along behind.
"Forgive me," Nick says, not looking at all sorry. "He insisted." Pausing only an instant, he announces, "Daniel is here."
Hel-lo.
Hammond frowns at Nick. "Here?"
Nick says staunchly, "Standing right beside me."
As there's nothing 'beside' Nick except air, I point out the obvious: "He's lost a few pounds."
Nick gives me a look that is eerily familiar. "Jack, don't be an ass."
Okay, that's the kind of crack I'd expect from -- Stunned, I turn my head to stare at the empty space beside Nick. "Daniel?"
Nick is frowning slightly, turning to his left. At last he looks back at the general. "We must go back to the planet."
And now Hammond is looking at me. "Planet?"
I'm still staring at that empty air beside Nick, trying to imagine Daniel standing there. If he's here -- really here -- that means he's alive, not in danger, not in the hands of some Goa'uld. Alive; not dead. Belatedly, I realize the general is expecting an answer. "Ah, not a word, sir, I swear." If Nick knows about the planet...
"Daniel told me all about the Stargate."
I can feel the disapproval radiating off Hammond in waves, but I keep looking back and forth between Nick and that empty chunk of air where Daniel is. Now I know he's here. And has been the whole time? And that's why all the weird feelings and Carter saying it felt like Daniel was still around? He's been wandering around the SGC trying to make people see and hear him? It takes a moment for that to sink in, but when it does I have to swallow past the sudden lump in my throat. For cryin' out loud, Daniel.
"We must replace the skull on the pedestal so that the giant aliens will come. Something must have interrupted the process."
Interrupted the process. I can almost hear Daniel saying that. "Ah... Teal'c fired a zat," I tell Hammond. "That's all I can imagine it would be, sir."
The general isn't quite buying this yet. "Why didn't you say something sooner?" he asks Nick.
"I thought I was hearing voices." Nick gives a self-deprecating shrug. "It wouldn't have been for the first time."
Hearing voices. Oh, Dannyboy. No wonder you were so quick to think you were having a nervous breakdown when Machello's bug got into you.
On cue, Fraiser speaks up. "Forgive me, but why are you the only person who can see him?"
Nick looks at her calmly. "Perhaps because I went through the same experience." Then he turns his attention to Hammond and in a stronger voice says, "General Hammond, if you let us go now, you may be able to see your granddaughter's play."
I have no idea what he's talking about, but I feel the general stiffen beside me. "I was alone in my office when Kayla phoned."
I turn my full attention to the empty air to the side of Nick. If I know Daniel, and I do, he's been watching me, with that anxious look on his face I see there whenever he's trying to make me believe something so totally off-the-wall it can't possibly be true. Yet, it usually is. Right now he's asking, do I believe Nick? Do I believe he's really here in this room? Do I believe in him? Just tell us how we get you back, Daniel and I'll show you how much I believe.
The general's a believer now, too, but he keeps shifting his gaze around as if he thinks Daniel is bouncing around all over the room. "Doctor Jackson, are you absolutely certain you and SG-1 can safely return to the planet?"
Nick nods resolutely. "Yes."
That's pretty clear, and if Daniel says he's sure, then he's sure. I turn to the general and tell him, "That's good enough for me, sir." Then I look back to where Daniel is and wish I could see his face.
***
Part 9 - "Daniel, I am proud of you."
*Jack O'Neill*
They were both right: we've got giant aliens, and more important, we've got Daniel back. Although right now he looks like someone has given him a kick to the gut.
"You just came back into my life."
Nick looks exactly like Daniel does when he discovers something new about the meaning of life stuff he likes so much. "I'll be back again. Please."
"Look again into the eyes of the skull."
Us? Oh, right. "Well, Nick..." I swear the guy's so excited he looks ten years younger. "Take notes."
Nick gives me a firm nod. "I will."
Carter and I go back to the skull, giving Daniel and Nick a little space to themselves. If anyone should understand about someone being obsessed by his work, by all rights it should be Daniel. But this is twice now Gramps has picked his work over Daniel, and I'm not sure it's any easier for him now that it was when he was eight years old.
"Daniel, I am proud of you."
I sneak a look at Carter and see her smiling broadly, her eyes a little too bright. Well, it was a long time coming, but I know it was something Daniel probably needed to hear. I'm glad he got the chance.
Finally, Daniel walks over to join us, carefully not looking at either Carter or me, and not looking back at Nick and the alien, either. But Carter is having none of that. Reaching out, she squeezes his arm. "Good to have you back, Daniel," she says softly.
He flinches at the contact and stares at the hand on his arm.
"What's wrong?" I ask, then remember how my hand went right through Teal'c. That's how it was for Daniel while he was out of phase. It was probably like being some sort of ghost, not being able to touch or be touched. I drop my arm across his shoulders and give a firm squeeze. I have a suspicion the contact is as much for my benefit as it is Daniel's. "Welcome back, Doctor Jackson."
He takes a deep breath and closes his eyes for a moment. He looks first at Sam, then me. "It's good to be back."
The skull starts shining, and this time Carter doesn't even bother with the radiation readings. We go through the same weird energy fluctuation, and when it's over and we turn around, both the alien and Nick are gone. "Well," Daniel says softly, "I guess that's that."
I give his shoulder one last squeeze. "Let's go home," I say quietly and lead the way across the bridge.
Part 10 - Epilog
Journal Entry, Earth
I think Janet has finally run out of tests. Having a handy test subject who was 'out of phase' for a couple of days was just too good an opportunity for her to pass up. I swear she was making tests up as she went along. There was one thing she didn't need a test for: I was famished. I hadn't been a bit hungry while I was out of phase, but the instant I got back, I realized I was starving. After hearing my stomach growl clear across the infirmary, Jack told Janet to put a freeze on the tests and got me to the cafeteria where I put away two hot meals and about a quart of coffee. Decafe. I don't know what Janet has against caffeine.
I've been back for three days now. I've caught up on my meals, I've caught up on my sleep, I've even caught up on real coffee. Plus, I was the guest of honor at a surprise welcome back party thrown by the entire SGC. It's hard for me to believe sometimes that I really have this many friends here.
I told Teal'c about the meditation I shared with him and thanked him properly for risking his life going back to that planet to get the skull. It was bad enough being 'invisible' at base, but at least I was with my friends; if I'd been stuck back on that planet alone... well, I don't even want to think about how utterly depressing and lonely -- not to mention downright scary -- that would have been. I think Teal'c was kind of pleased he had been able to sense 'something' when I was around, but predictably he apologized for failing to recognize it was me he sensed.
Sam was fascinated when I told her what happened in Robert's lab, how she felt a shiver when I was close by. We both theorized that maybe she and Teal'c were able to sense me because of his symbiote and Sam's Jolinar presence. The only way we'll know if that's a viable theory is if we know whether or not Jack was able to sense me, too. Jack hasn't brought it up, and I'm not going to ask him. He gets a little spooked about what he calls 'mumbo jumbo' stuff, and I have an idea he was spooked enough while I was missing. So Sam and I will just have to leave this theory hanging.
Speaking of Jack, he took me to a hockey game last night. No, I haven't suddenly developed a passion for hockey, but I think Jack really wanted to do something to put the last couple of days behind us and kind of reaffirm normalcy. Only Jack would choose a hockey game to 'reaffirm normalcy.' But it worked.
I also screwed up my courage and went to see General Hammond to apologize for eavesdropping on his conversation with his granddaughter. He let me get it all out, then brushed it aside, and we spent a good half hour talking about his grandchildren and how he tries to play a big part in their lives even though he can't always spend as much time with them as he wants. He also steered the conversation around to the subject of grandparents in general and Nick in particular. Where Nick was concerned, it was a pretty short discussion.
Seems that Nick is a pretty hot topic with my friends, and everyone is trying to find a way to ask me if I'm okay. Predictably, Jack didn't beat around the bush.
I was in my office today going through Nick's personal things, shipped in from the psychiatric ward when Jack appeared in my doorway. "Hey."
"Hey," I responded, and for an instant I was thrown back to the time I was going through Sha're's things, and Jack unexpectedly showed up. I shook off that memory in time to hear the end of Jack's question.
"...Nick's things?"
"Yeah. General Hammond took care of everything with the hospital and had them send his things here, in care of me. I am his next of kin." That came out a little more bitter than I wanted, and glancing up, I saw Jack's eyebrows raise a fraction as he sauntered into the room. Anyone who didn't know him as well as I do would think that casual pose was real. I knew better.
I ignored him as best I could as I sorted through Nick's few belongings. There were a number of books which I would add to my bookshelf, keeping them safe for when he returned. A few pieces of clothing, a pocket watch that didn't work (the only kind Nick would ever have use for), and a wallet containing a twenty dollar bill, an expired license, and... and a faded black and white photograph, creased and torn, mended with dry, yellowed tape. I was aware of Jack watching me intently as I carefully eased it out of its plastic window.
I must have stared at it a good long time before I realized Jack had walked up behind me and was looking over my shoulder. "That you and your folks?" he asked.
I nodded. "Yeah. I... I never saw this before." The setting was definitely Egypt, at one dig or another, but I couldn't remember... "I don't remember it," I said, disappointed.
"Well, you look pretty young there. Maybe three, four years old." Jack had a hand on my shoulder and gave it a little squeeze.
"Yeah, but I wish..." I folded the wallet and put it back into the packing box, laying the photo on my desk where I could see it. "Memories are all I've got," I explained, shrugging. "Just wish I had more of them."
Jack gave my shoulder a light clap and walked around in front of my desk, picking up items, pretending to study them for a few moments, then putting them down again. "You've got a few new memories of Nick," he offered casually.
Yep. A brand new memory of him walking out of my life yet again.
When I didn't say anything, he turned the broken pocket watch over in his hands. "Ah, he's not exactly your typical grandfather, is he?"
"Nick?" I almost choked at the idea. "Not hardly. I don't think he ever really thought of himself as a 'grandfather.'" Reaching out, I touched the faces of my mother and father in the photograph with a gentle finger. "He certainly never thought of me as his grandson."
"Daniel?"
At the sound of Jack's voice, his 'concerned, but treading carefully' tone, I realized I must have spoken that last aloud. Sighing, I rubbed my forehead, more to give myself a moment than anything else. "I keep asking myself, if it had been me given the opportunity to live with an alien race and prove my theories to be true --" I broke off and gave a snort of laughter. "In point of fact, it was me, Jack. Four years ago. I left Earth behind without a second thought to live on Abydos -- and I left Nick behind, too. How can I blame him for doing the same?"
Jack had a confused look on his face, and I sympathized; I was pretty confused myself. "So, you're saying... you're okay with all this?"
"I'm saying..." What was I saying? "I don't know," I admitted finally. "I think most of my... anger goes back to another time and another place and doesn’t have anything to do with here and now."
I wonder if that's completely true. Am I really okay with Nick choosing a life with giant aliens over a life with me? Well, it's not like we were ever close. And it's not like he hadn't made choices in the past that had the same result. I mean, he's spent barely any time in my life at all so I shouldn't really feel any loss, should I?
So why do I?
D. Jackson
End Season Three
© July 15, 2000 The characters mentioned in this story are the property of Showtime and Gekko Film Corp. The Stargate, SG-I, the Goa’uld and all other characters who have appeared in the series STARGATE SG-1 together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of MGM-UA Worldwide Television, Gekko Film Corp, Glassner/Wright Double Secret Productions and Stargate SG-I Prod. Ltd. Partnership. This fanfic is not intended as an infringement upon those rights and solely meant for entertainment. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author.