CHAPTER 5 - FIRE & WATER
Losses
Part 1 - Prologue
Journal Entry, Earth
If anyone had told me a year ago that I'd not only be a forward on a street hockey team, but that I'd be good at it and actually enjoy it, I wouldn't have believed them.
I never participated in many sports when I was a kid, and never really had any interest in them (still don't, come to that), but Jack kept pestering me to join his team after Sergeant Bryant broke his ankle and they needed another player. Once I agreed (reluctantly, and only because I ran out of excuses) Jack took it upon himself to personally coach me. We spent hours of our down time over at his place where he put me through the paces in true O'Neill style. (It reminded me a lot of his approach when he was teaching me to shoot and the finer points of hand-to-hand.) To Jack, hockey isn't so much a game as it is a way of life.
But the funny thing is, I enjoyed it. And I think Jack did too.
D. Jackson
*****
Part 2 - "Colonel, where's Doctor Jackson?"
*Jack O'Neill*
"Daniel Jackson..." Odd to hear Teal'c stumble to a halt like that, as if he can't get the words out.
"He didn't make it, sir." Carter sounds...strange. Like she's talking to herself.
"Daniel's dead, sir."
Wait a minute. Where did that come from? Oh, my god...
*****
Part 3 - "He said, Colonel, help me."
*Jack O'Neill*
I can't get it out of my mind. With my eyes open or shut, all I can see is Daniel... engulfed in flames. And all I can hear are his screams. He was screaming for help. Screaming for me.
I don't know how long it is before I manage to hear the general through the screams in my mind.
"It's a hard thing to lose a member of the team, Colonel. I've gone through it myself."
I drop my head and press the heels of my palms against my temples; anything to stop the screams; anything to stop seeing those flames.
"If there's anything --"
"Yes, sir." Stop. Stop. Stop.
"Dismissed."
I jump to my feet and stride out of the room. I can't get out of there fast enough. Bad enough to relive it all in my head, but to have to sit there and make a report out of it...
I'm not paying attention to where I'm going, I just walk. I'm vaguely aware of people getting out of my way and of the looks of sympathy on their faces. They've all heard by now; news like this travels fast, especially in a close-knit facility. I ignore them all and keep walking.
When someone lightly grabs my arm from behind, I whirl around, fists raised. I'm spoiling for a fight, and at this point I don't much care who I hit.
Robert Makepeace releases my arm and raises a placating hand, but doesn’t back off. I have to admire him for that; jarheads have more guts than sense. "Jack."
I nod. I see in his eyes what he's going to say and I don't want to hear it. But I know if I were standing in his place I'd be here, too, doing the same thing. "Robert."
"Sorry about Jackson," he says quietly. "He was a good man."
I meet his eyes, and I'm surprised to see he means it. "Yes," I agree, pride for my lost friend warming that coldness inside me for a brief moment, "he was a good man."
"My team wanted you to know," he continues gruffly, "SG3 has volunteered to bring him home, volcanoes or no volcanoes. If Hammond changes his orders, we're ready to go."
I nod, a little stunned, and Makepeace returns my nod and continues on his way. How about that, Danny. Even the Marines.
My feet begin moving again and when I finally look up to take note of my surroundings I find I'm standing outside Daniel's lab. It takes me a second to comprehend what I'm seeing: the door is ajar, the lights are on, I see a shadow moving inside... My heart feels like it just slammed into my chest and my breath catches in my throat. I knew it couldn't be true, I knew it, I knew it...
I'm at the door in two strides, barreling into the room, eyes searching for the man who belongs here. Instead, two heads turn as I stop dead in my tracks. Teal'c is standing by one side of Daniel's desk, regarding me without expression, and Carter is fingering one of the books on the bookcase; even from across the room I can see the redness of her eyes.
I close my eyes for a second, struggling to regroup. I had been so sure... "Teal'c. Carter. What're you two doing here?"
The captain carefully replaces the book on the bookshelf, turning her face away from me. I know she's close to tears, but I also know she won't cry in front of me. "We finished the debriefing and..." When her voice breaks, Teal'c continues.
"We sought out the comfort of Daniel Jackson's presence," he announces quietly.
The comfort of Daniel's presence. I look around the lab, at Daniel's beloved books, the artifacts he'd collected from around the galaxy, the photographs, the seemingly ever-growing collection of coffee cups, legal pads with pages of his scribbled notes strewn over the desk... yes, it's easy to feel Daniel in this room. I guess that's why I'm here, too.
"We will leave you alone, O'Neill."
I begin to protest they don't have to leave, then realize I really don't want company right now. I know we have to deal with this as a team, but right now, selfish as it may be, I can't deal with anyone's grief except my own.
I nod at each of them as they go by and hear the door close softly behind me. I stand in the middle of the room for a few minutes, then slowly walk over to the desk. It's just like he left it this morning when I stopped by to collect him for the mission. Knowing how he could lose track of time when he's involved in a translation project, I made it a point to escort him to the locker room just to make sure he got to the Gate on time. Got him there in time to get killed.
Shaking my head suddenly to try to banish the scene that again filled my vision, I walk behind the desk and stare at the open books, the scrawled notes, the half-empty coffee cups. Something catches my eye, and I reach out to retrieve a photograph being used as a bookmark. As I gaze at it, I remember the day it was taken: There we are, the two of us, both in our hockey gear, grinning like a pair of idiots. We'd had good reason to grin; we'd just soundly beaten Ferretti's team and Daniel had actually scored a goal. I shake my head at the photograph, a smile touching my lips. "Geek," I murmur dryly.
Suddenly my smile fades and I look around the room, seeing Daniel in every shadow. Teal'c was wrong. There's no comfort here. All it does is remind me of what we've lost. What I've lost.
Carefully tucking the photo into my pocket, I turn out the light and leave the room, closing the door behind me.
*****
Part 4 -
"Daniel Jackson made this place...happen. As a member of SG-1, he was
our voice, our conscience. He was a very courageous man. He was a good
man. For those of us lucky enough to know him, he was also a friend."
*Samantha Carter*
I stand on the ramp beside Colonel O'Neill and salute the wreath we're
sending back to P3X866, back to Daniel.
But...it doesn't feel like good-bye. It doesn't feel like he's really
gone. I know he is, but...
The wreath disappears.
Why can't I say good-bye?
***
I see the colonel heading for the elevators and hurry to catch up with
him. "Sir?"
He pauses in the act of pushing the button to take him topside and turns to wait for me. He's wearing the same face he wore during the ceremony: blank, distant, closed-off. I slow to a stop when I reach him and I can see that although he's looking at me, he's not really looking at me. His gaze is turned inward, his thoughts obviously far away. It's not hard to guess where. Every time I close my eyes I see Daniel...and fire. A dark, selfish part of me is glad it wasn't my name Daniel was calling. I don't think I could live with that. I can only imagine what the colonel must be putting himself through right now.
I shake myself out of those thoughts and before I lose my nerve, say, "Sir, I was wondering if you need any help with the wake tomorrow."
He almost flinches. "What?"
"The wake," I repeat carefully. "If you need any help, I can --"
"No, no, it's under control. I can handle it. But thank you," he adds in a stilted, polite afterthought, as if he were talking to a stranger. Nodding at me, he pushes the elevator button. "Good-night, Carter."
I watch him disappear as the elevator doors slide shut. "Good-night, sir." I'm left alone, hugging my arms as a chill races through my body. I feel my eyes start to sting and quickly head for my quarters before I make a spectacle of myself. Air Force captains don't cry in base hallways.
As I hurry down the long hallway, avoiding the well-meaning looks of others, emptiness grows inside me and I feel very alone.
When we'd first met on Abydos, Daniel and I had formed a bond almost immediately. He had a brilliant, questing mind, and he valued knowledge as much as I did. In the months that followed, we often sought each other out to explore new theories, to exchange ideas, to do research well into the night. Daniel was the perfect work mate: dedicated, tireless, inquisitive, a genius with an incredible talent for thinking outside the box, and for forcing me to think outside the norm, too. To Daniel, there were no limitations. I admired him more than anyone else I'd ever worked with.
But he was so much more than a team mate. He became a cherished friend. No matter how bad things got, no matter what the problem was or what I was worried about, I could always talk to Daniel. I'd go to his office, and regardless of how busy he was he'd stop his work, offer me a cup of coffee, and then sit there and give me all the attention in the world, and he would listen. There weren't always answers, but he always listened.
Reaching my quarters, I push my way inside and shut the
door, leaning back against it as the tears finally come. I'm going to miss him. Oh, god, I'm going to miss him.
But I still can't say good-bye.
***
*Teal'c*
For the first time, my meditation fails me. I can find no peace, no tranquility. My heart is filled with sadness, my soul with disquiet, my mind with disbelief. I saw Daniel Jackson die, consumed by fire. But my mind rejects what my heart knows to be true. I cannot reconcile myself to the truth.
I make a decision to leave my quarters. Perhaps I will find peace elsewhere.
***
Outside the facility, I climb to the top of the hill where Colonel O'Neill introduced me to the planets and constellations of the Earth sky. It is dark and cold, but the sky is clear, the moon full and the stars bright overhead. Automatically I begin identifying the different star formations as O'Neill taught me, then stop as I see a dark shape huddled on the ground nearby. I see immediately it is Captain Carter. She is hugging her knees, staring at the sky, and even from where I stand I can hear her broken whisper.
"Oh, Daniel... I can't even look at the stars without thinking of you."
I cannot keep silent. "I believe Daniel Jackson would be honored to think the night sky brought memories of him to his friends."
She turns with a gasp, "Teal'c."
"I did not mean to startle you, Captain Carter."
I see her small smile in the darkness. "Just surprised me, Teal'c."
"You could not sleep?" I guessed.
"Oh, I slept." She sounds tired. "But I kept...dreaming."
I nod in understanding. The vision of Daniel Jackson perishing in flames is one that has not left me since we returned from P3X866.
"Shall I leave you --"
"No," she says quickly. "Don't go." She pats the grass beside her and I join her, taking a seat by her side. "I think we've been alone long enough, don't you?"
I nod agreement. This is something that has concerned me since our return to Earth; I have felt unable to talk to either O'Neill or Captain Carter about our lost friend.
"I can't believe he's gone, Teal'c," she says softly. "I saw it happen, we had the memorial service... and I still can't believe it." She wipes her face with her hand. "I've lost friends before, good friends. But this..." Her voice trails off as if she is unable to explain herself.
"It is...difficult to lose a friend. Daniel Jackson was a good friend, a comrade, and to witness his death and be helpless..." I feel my hands clench and force myself to open them, to try to relax. It had happened so fast that none of us had been able to offer assistance. But even that knowledge did not stop me from asking myself again and again if there was something I could have done.
"It was no one's fault, Teal'c," Captain Carter whispers, laying a hand on my arm. "It happened too fast. There wasn't anything we could have done." She wraps her arms around her knees and again turns her face to the night sky. "It's just so damned unfair!" she says fiercely. "Daniel wasn't even a soldier."
"He was not," I agree, "but he had a warrior's courage."
I feel her eyes on me, and then she nods thoughtfully. "Yes, he did. He had a warrior's courage."
I hesitate a moment, then ask, "Captain Carter, I have been unable to speak to Colonel O'Neill about Daniel Jackson."
"Yeah, I know," she sighs. "Me, too."
"But I would like to speak of him, to remember him, out here under the stars. May I do that with you?"
She looks at me and I can see the brightness of tears in her eyes. But there is a smile on her face as she says, "I'd like that too, Teal'c. Let's remember Daniel together."
***
*Jack O'Neill*
It's a perfect night for stargazing. But as I climb the ladder to the roof, a bottle of scotch in one hand, it's not stargazing I have in mind. I'm coming up here to say good-bye to a friend, to drink a toast to the most unexpected, but rewarding, friendship I have ever known.
Settling myself on the floor, I pour a shot of scotch, then carefully screw the top back on the bottle and set it aside. This isn't a night for getting drunk, as much as I might like the temporary amnesia it would provide. This is a night for remembering, for honoring, for good-byes. The memorial service today was for Daniel's comrades at SGC; the wake tomorrow will be for all his friends; but tonight is just for Daniel and me. Under the stars.
Those stars blur a little as I lift the glass in a toast. "Here's to you, Doctor Jackson," I say softly, hearing my voice break. I down the whisky in one gulp, wincing a little at the fiery path it burns down my throat.
I sit for a long time under the stars, clutching the empty glass, feeling the tears slide silently down my face as I finally let the pain of loss escape that place deep inside me where I'd confined it. If anyone deserves tears, it's Daniel. He was my responsibility, my civilian, my friend, and I couldn't save him.
It takes another drink before I find the courage to allow myself to tap into that well of remembrances that include Daniel. But I do -- I pull them all out, because Daniel is worth it, because I will not allow pain to keep me from them, because I will never forget what he meant to me. I examine them all, relive every moment I can remember and then commit them to memory.
I force away my last vision of him and instead, remembering the photo I still carry in my pocket, focus on that memory, of the look of stunned disbelief and utter delight on his face the day he scored his first hockey goal. Who would've thought the kid would turn out to be such a natural with a hockey stick? It's a good memory, and I latch onto it like a lifeline to sanity.
But the good memories only serve to remind me of what we've all lost and I squeeze my eyes shut as a shudder runs through my body. I've lost men before, but it never hurt quite this much. I don't ever want to hurt this bad again.
The night is nearly over when I finally gather up the bottle, and stiffly pull myself to my feet. Focusing on one particularly bright star still visible in the sky, I say quietly, "Be at peace, Daniel."
Then I turn and leave, knowing better than to hope for the same thing for myself.
*****
Part 4 - "We're going back."
*Samantha Carter*
The Colonel is pacing like a caged animal. We have to go through the normal checklist procedures before going through the Gate, but it does seem like it's taking twice as long this time.
As I watch him glare at the control room, as if that will speed the process, I see with relief that his eyes are alive again, no longer distant and flat, and there's a determined set to his face that I didn't think we'd ever see again. We've got hope now, where before we had none.
I want to believe Daniel's alive, I want to believe the horrible vision that keeps filling my mind is the result of some alien mind control, that none of it is true, but... what if we're too late?
Oh, please, Daniel, be okay.
***
*Teal'c*
Daniel Jackson did not perish in flames. That I know now. It was all a trick, a vision planted in our minds, to force us to leave him behind in the hands of whatever lifeform inhabits P3X866.
It is not a trick that will work twice. I see the same determination in Colonel O'Neill's eyes: we will find Daniel Jackson and this time we will not come back without him.
***
*Jack O'Neill*
What the hell is taking so long? For crying out loud, it's not like we haven't gone through this Gate a few hundred times already; we pretty much have it down pat by now.
I can't stand still. Carter's giving me little glances and I feel Teal'c's eyes on me, so I try to stand still, wait for the go-ahead. I see Makepeace's team geared up and standing by in case we need back-up. He gives me a thumb's-up and I nod, silently thanking his team for their support. I don't think Daniel knows how many friends he really has on this base.
Turning, I stare at the Stargate, at the silent ring that separates us from our friend. Goddamn it to hell. Brainwashed. We were brainwashed by some alien piece of crap, tricked into believing Daniel had died so we'd leave him behind.
Why? Why did he/it/they let us go? That one is easy: if none of us had returned to Earth there would likely have been a rescue attempt. By making us believe Daniel was dead and the planet was unstable, it was unlikely we would return.
But why did he/it/they want Daniel? The possible answers to that question chill me to the bone. What were they doing to him? What had they done to him? Torture? Experiments? Was he injured? Was he even still alive? I feel my fingers tighten around my MP-5. He'd better be alive, and he'd better be safe, or there are going to be a lot of very dead aliens on that planet by the time I leave.
The Gate suddenly whooshes to life and I spare a moment to send a look to Carter and to Teal'c, hoping my message is clear: this is a search and rescue mission. We aren't coming back without Daniel.
*****
Part 5 - Epilog
Journal Entry - Earth
It's good to be home. Finally. Even if half my stuff is still in boxes. I told the guys I could unpack everything myself, but they were pretty adamant about coming over today so they could help. I wasn't about to argue; after thinking I was going to be stranded on Nem's planet and never see any of them again, I'm pretty happy to have them around. And they don't seem to want to leave me out of their sight for too long, either.
I don't remember a lot about coming back to the SGC. I was pretty much out on my feet by the time we got through the wormhole, and the next thing I knew Jack had dragged me off to the infirmary. I think Janet ran every test she could think of on me, but all she could come up with was dehydration and simple exhaustion. I did have a crashing headache though, probably as a result of that device Nem used to help me remember, and I ended up confessing to that so I could get something a little stronger than Tylenol.
As soon as the words left my mouth, Janet decided she wanted to keep me overnight for observation. I think she'd admit I'm usually a pretty cooperative patient when I have to stay in her infirmary, but I absolutely put my foot down. I couldn't explain it to either her or Jack, but the infirmary reminded me too much of Nem's little 'laboratory' and I couldn't handle that just then. I don't know if Jack really understood my reluctance, but he pulled Janet off to her office, and when they came back he told me I was released, but I'd be coming home with him because they didn't think I should be alone.
I was too tired to much care where I went as long as it wasn't the infirmary. After the fastest debriefing in history (it ended when I fell asleep while Jack was railing at me about what he called the 'brain drain' I allowed Nem to do. I'm sure I'll be hearing more on that subject later) he bundled me into his car and took me to his place, with Sam and Teal'c right behind.
I thought all I wanted to do was sleep, but the smell of hot food reminded me of how hungry I was, and I put away a good deal of Chinese food before falling asleep (again) in front of everyone.
The next time I woke up I was screaming.
I didn't know where I was, I was completely disoriented, and I thought I was struggling against the restraints Nem had placed me in. I was actually struggling against Jack's hands as he tried to wake me. It took him some time, apparently, to wake me up and convince me I was back home, on his couch, and I was safe. I remember I was shaking pretty badly and I think I had been crying in my sleep. A combination of the nightmare and delayed reaction, I guess. It could have been awfully embarrassing, especially in front of someone like Jack, but he simply sat down beside me, slid an arm around my shoulders, and stayed there with me, talking, until I was 'back with him', as he put it. Only then did he get up and make some coffee. I guess he figured we were both through sleeping for the night.
He was right. We spent the rest of the night in his living room, watching bad movies on TV, and talking. I never realized before what a good listener Jack can be when he puts that sarcastic, wise ass persona aside. I had rather a lot I needed to talk about -- my fear of never getting home again, the despair I felt when Nem told me that they all thought I was dead, the pain of the memory device -- and Jack listened, interrupting only when he needed to ask a question to clarify something.
When I finally finished, I felt drained, but also a strange sense of relief. I remember when Jack was trying to coax me out of my dream-induced panic, he kept saying, "You're safe now, Daniel. You're safe." That's exactly how I felt now. Safe.
"Hey. You okay?"
I looked up to find Jack's eyes on me and I nodded, even if my smile was a little wan. "Yeah, I think so."
"How's the head?"
I briefly considered lying, but when I saw the look on his face, I wisely opted for the truth. "Still hurts," I admitted.
Without another word he went off to get the tablets Janet sent home, and dropped two into my palm, watching until I took them.
It wasn't until then, when I took a good, hard look at Jack, that I realized maybe I wasn't the only one in need of a good listener. I made a few tentative attempts that evening, but it was obvious he wasn't ready to open up. He may never be, but I'm going to keep trying. I've already talked to Sam (she didn't need any encouragement at all; we talked for hours) and Teal'c. Neither one of them would discuss Jack and his actions while I was gone, and that in itself speaks volumes to me.
Tonight's the night. The team is coming over to help me get my apartment back in order, and -- with Sam and Teal'c's arranged cooperation -- it shouldn't be hard to keep Jack behind when they leave. I'll get a few beers into him first, and then we're going to talk.
Last night when I screamed myself awake, Jack was there for me. I have an idea Jack might be having a few bad dreams himself, and now it's my turn to be there for him.
D. Jackson
© December 23, 1999 The characters mentioned in this story are the property of Showtime and Gekko Film Corp. The Stargate, SG-I, the Goa’uld and all other characters who have appeared in the series STARGATE SG-1 together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of MGM-UA Worldwide Television, Gekko Film Corp, Glassner/Wright Double Secret Productions and Stargate SG-I Prod. Ltd. Partnership. This fanfic is not intended as an infringement upon those rights and solely meant for entertainment. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author.