CHAPTER 6 - SOLITUDES
Hope and Despair
Part 1 - Prologue
Journal Entry, Earth
Well, here I am, once again surrounded by packing crates. It wasn't that long ago that Jack, Sam and Teal'c had packed up most of my stuff because they thought I was dead. Now I'm packed up again, this time in preparation for moving to a new apartment.
There's nothing really wrong with this apartment, aside from the fact that I've outgrown it. I admit it isn't in a really good part of town, but at the time I moved in I couldn't afford anything better. I've lived in worse, and it really doesn't bother me. But it bothers Jack. Or rather, it began bothering Jack after our last run-in with Colonel Maybourne.
I still have a hard time believing anyone -- even Maybourne -- could have given an order to shoot when Teal'c and I were standing there on the ramp in the Gateroom while the Tollans disappeared with Lya. What kind of a man does that? Jack had a name for that kind of man, but I won't repeat it here. He still doesn't know I saw him and Maybourne in the hallway before Maybourne was escorted off the premises. I couldn't hear what Jack was saying, but he had the kind of scary look on his face I've only ever seen when he was facing the likes of Ra or Apophis; and Maybourne, who had been literally backed into a corner, looked like a trapped rat.
Anyhow, a couple of days later I was summoned to General Hammond's office where he and Jack double-teamed me on the subject of my apartment and security. Or rather, the lack of security, according to Jack. Hammond went on and on about my journals and the sensitive information that had found its way to my place (and I know who let the cat out of that bag; thanks, Jack). I could have just moved all that stuff back to base and that would have taken care of the problem, but Jack had larger issues.
He really is concerned about my safety. Maybourne apparently was livid that he couldn't find a way to touch Jack or Hammond over losing the Tollans, and Jack was afraid he might focus his vengeance on me. So he wanted me to move someplace with at least some semblance of security. I could have argued with him, just because I'm not used to people jumping into my life and insisting on changes like this, and I really don't believe I'm in any danger, but I could see Jack really was worried. And sometimes I think I give him a little too much to worry about, so I gave in gracefully.
That's when I found out that Jack had been a busy little colonel. He had a list of six apartments, all about the same distance from base, and all a little closer to his place than this one, which had been screened by a friend of his 'in the security business.' The way he said that made me wonder what that meant, but I didn't ask; I've learned that Jack has some pretty strange friends. So we began visiting the apartments, and I settled on the third one we saw. It's a lot bigger than this place and has a doorman who's a retired cop and actually knows the faces of the people who belong there. I have to admit, it's a big step up from this area with its constant break-ins and the occasional shooting. And, best of all, there is plenty of room for my books and artifacts. I've got enough money saved up now that I can even splurge on some nice furniture. (That broken spring in my sofa has poked Jack one too many times and he refuses to even sit on it any more.)
So today is moving day. Jack, Sam, Teal'c and a selection of airmen with suitable clearance from the SGC will spend the day helping me shift everything to my new place. Jack will make bad jokes, Sam will try to organize everything in my new place, and Teal'c will probably find a lot of things to ask questions about.
I'm looking forward to it.
D. Jackson
*****
Part 2 - "Where are Colonel O'Neill and Captain Carter?"
*Daniel Jackson*
"In a few hours a probe will be sent back in an attempt to determine their fate."
My eyes pop open at that. What? I stare at Teal'c, who stares back grimly. This isn't happening, it just isn't happening. My head is splitting, my vision is blurry at best, and my mind is still trying to play catch-up, but there is no doubt in my mind that this cannot be happening.
With a massive effort I manage to push myself to my elbows. Almost immediately I wish I hadn't. Squeezing my eyes shut against the dizziness, I feel myself falling back before strong arms catch me and ease me back down to the bed.
"Daniel Jackson, you have been unconscious for twelve hours and seventeen minutes. You must remain still."
Twelve hours? That's how long Jack and Sam have been missing? What've these people been doing? "No, I must get out of this bed," I reply through gritted teeth, and slowly force my eyes open. Teal'c is bending over me, frowning in concern. "Please get me my clothes," I request, with as much authority as I can manage.
His frown deepens. "Doctor Warner said --"
I really don't care what Doctor Warner said. Jack and Sam have been missing for twelve hours. "I'm getting up, Teal'c," I say flatly, "with or without your help." Preferably with, as I don't wish to fall flat on my face. "So please get me my clothes."
He gazes at me a moment longer, then slowly nods. "You will remain here until I return."
It isn't a question, and I nod carefully. Another frown, and then he turns and leaves.
I close my eyes against the renewed pounding in my head. I need to get up and move around; I need to clear the fog out of my brain and figure this out. Jack and Sam were right behind us in the wormhole. There is no way they didn't come through with us.
But they didn't.
Where are they?
Twelve hours. Oh God. Where are they?
*****
Part 2 - "The rescue mission is scrubbed."
*Teal'c*
Daniel Jackson does not look well. Doctor Warner was most upset when he left the infirmary without proper release, but my friend refused to return and I was unable to persuade him. With Colonel O'Neill missing, I know Daniel Jackson's welfare is my responsibility, but as O'Neill has told me in the past, he does not always make that easy.
As we study the pictures sent back from the MALP, we see no signs of O'Neill or Captain Carter.
Then the attack begins and we witness energy weapons firing at the MALP probe.
General Hammond snaps, "They were waiting for us. Close the iris. Disengage the Stargate." He orders over the microphone, "SG3 stand down." Then he turns to look at myself and Daniel Jackson, his face grim. "The rescue mission is scrubbed."
I hear Daniel Jackson draw a sharp breath. "General --"
But General Hammond leaves without another word.
Daniel Jackson stares at the silent Stargate; he has turned very pale and I am once again concerned for his health. I place a hand on his arm, but he pulls away, turning his back to me. I see him rubbing his forehead.
After a moment, he turns back, offering a small, apologetic smile. "Sorry, Teal'c."
"You must rest, Daniel Jackson," I insist.
His mouth tightens in a determined way I have seen many times when he is disagreeing with Colonel O'Neill. "No time. We've got work to do, Teal'c. Come on."
*****
Part 3 - "They may have perished in the wormhole."
*Daniel Jackson*
I stare at the map in front of me, trying not to let despair break through the wall of hope I've erected. "Okay," I say finally, indicating two places on the map, "so if they are not there, and they are not here..."
"It is possible," Teal'c offers quietly, "they may have perished in the wormhole."
I give him a long look; I realize he's only being pragmatic, but right now I don't want pragmatic. I want someone to reinforce that hope I'm holding on to with all the desperation of a drowning man clutching a life preserver. But I have to acknowledge the possibility. "Yeah. In which case they're gone. I know. I thought of that. But if they are alive, if there's the least remote possibility that this malfunction sent them to a different Stargate..."
"Was it not Captain Carter who deduced the possible combination of Stargate symbols numbered in the millions?"
Again, I stare at my friend. Work with me here, Teal'c! Taking a steadying breath, I look back at the map. "Yeah. Well, we have to narrow it down," I say flatly. "Come on, we need to see the General." I turn away from the map a little too quickly, and stumble over my own feet.
Immediately, Teal'c's steadying hand is gripping my arm. "Daniel Jackson, you must rest," he says firmly. "Doctor Warner said --"
"Doctor Warner isn't missing two friends!" Shouting in frustration is probably acceptable under the circumstances, but it doesn't do my head one bit of good. I feel Teal'c's hand tighten on my arm and realize he's about two seconds from bodily hauling me back to the infirmary unless I can convince him I'm just clumsy, not infirmary-material. "Look, Teal'c," I say in my best I'm-in-control voice, "we need to find Jack and Sam. And to do that we need to talk to the General." I meet his gaze and see my own deep worry about our missing friends mirrored there. "We may not have much time." We've already wasted too much time as it is. I can see the conflict in his eyes, and I appreciate his concern, but our problems are a lot bigger than my pounding head.
Slowly, his fingers loosen their grip, but he keeps his hand on my arm for support. "You have a theory as to Colonel O'Neill and Captain Carter's location?"
I nod, very carefully. "Yes. Well," I prevaricated, "I have a theory for what may have happened and where we start searching. But we need to talk to the General," I repeat, and slip my arm out of his grasp. He allows that, but hovers at my elbow as we go seek out General Hammond.
*****
Part 4 -
"What's four?"
"There is no four."
"It's after three."
"Not this time, Colonel."
*Jack O'Neill*
Ice. Goddamn ice. The DHD is coated with it and all we've got are our knives to chip away at it.
My ribs are burning like hell. Don't think about it. Think about the possibilities, instead.
Okay, I think Carter and I both agree Daniel and Teal'c aren't behind Door Number One. If they'd come through the Gate with us, they'd be here. They certainly wouldn't have wandered off and left us here, injured.
Door Number Two. They're back on Earth. Safe. That's the door I like. Not even going to think about Door Number Three, Daniel and Teal'c stranded on some planet, maybe even worse than this one, maybe Goa'uld infested, maybe hurt worse than this, maybe...
I take a vicious jab at the ice covering the DHD and pay for it with a sharp stab in my ribs. Carter's giving me that worried look again and I pretend not to notice. But I do become a little more cautious about chipping at the ice.
It's Door Number Two. It's gotta be. Focus on that. If Daniel and Teal'c made it back to Earth, then they're safe and they're looking for us. And if that's the case, then I know two things without a doubt: One, Daniel won't give up. He'll never stop trying to find us, no matter how hopeless it looks. If I've learned anything about Daniel -- and I think I've learned a bit -- it's that he's as stubborn as they come and he won't quit. But that brings me to the second thing I know without a doubt: if he doesn't manage to find us, he'll blame himself and carry that guilt with him for the rest of his life.
Forgetting my caution, I bring my knife down a little too hard on the ice and can't bite down a grunt of pain. That one was bad.
"Sir --"
"Nothing, Carter," I manage between gritted teeth. "Just thinking."
"About Daniel and Teal'c?"
Am I that transparent? Gotta work on that. "Yeah." Time for a little morale boosting; we could both use it. "I think they're back on Earth. And you know what that means."
That coaxes a little smile from her. "That means Daniel isn't sleeping or eating," she says softly.
"That's right, Captain. He'll be turning over every rock in this galaxy looking for us." And I hope to God that Teal'c is looking out for him, and will be there for him in case he doesn't turn over this particular rock.
Gritting my teeth, I bring my knife down again. Goddamn ice.
*****
Part 5 - "I'm missing something."
*Daniel Jackson*
I place yet one more small piece of paper on the Stargate map to mark yet one more failure. I can't look away. I just stand there staring at the pieces of paper marking every planet we've checked so far, all without any sign of Jack and Sam.
Forty-eight hours now. Forty-eight hours and no sign of them. I feel my headache edge up a notch as the map momentarily blurs. Jack... Sam... where are you?
"Doctor Jackson?"
Quickly pulling myself together, I turn as the general enters the room and report the most recent bad news, "We just received probe telemetry from P5C 11 and 12. Neither of them have a breathable atmosphere anymore. If they ever did."
There's an odd look on the general's face that makes me immediately wary. He announces slowly, "I've formally reported Colonel O'Neill and Captain Carter missing in action."
A feeling of betrayal blazes through me. "Why?" I challenge.
He meets my confrontational stare squarely and in a surprisingly gentle voice answers, "Missing in action doesn't mean we stop looking, son." Then he turns and leaves.
Mouth tight, I turn back to the map, barely resisting the urge to pound it to pieces. The answer is here, I know it! Why can't I find it? "Missing," I mumble, frustration eating at me. "I'm missing something." But what? What am I missing?
***
*Teal'c*
I stand at the doorway and watch Daniel Jackson stare at the map of Stargates. General Hammond has informed me of his decision to report Colonel O'Neill and Captain Carter as 'missing in action.' I understand his decision even while my heart protests it.
As I watch, Daniel Jackson drops his head and rubs his temples, and I see him sway on his feet. He has not slept nor eaten since leaving the infirmary and I worry that collapse cannot be far away.
The only person I have ever seen who could force this stubborn scholar to rest or eat during a crisis was Colonel O'Neill. I have witnessed him physically remove Daniel Jackson from his office where he would be shut away and escort him to the cafeteria to eat or his room here on base to sleep. Daniel Jackson, of course, would protest, often loudly; but Colonel O'Neill always prevailed. But O'Neill is not here now, and that responsibility falls to me. Until now I did not believe I had the right to compel Daniel Jackson to take the rest he so badly needs, but I know now that Colonel O'Neill would expect me to do whatever I feel necessary where Daniel Jackson's welfare is concerned.
I step into the room. "Daniel Jackson."
He stiffens, dropping his hands from his head before turning slightly. "Teal'c. Did you hear what General Hammond --"
"I heard." I join him by the map and now that I am closer I can see his eyes are bloodshot and his face more haggard than I remember. I take his arm firmly in mine. "Daniel Jackson, you must rest," I say simply, and pull him away from the map.
"Whoa! Wait a minute." With a sharp jerk, he tries to pull his arm free, but I do not release him. "Teal'c, stop it. I have work to do. Jack and Sam are out there somewhere and --"
"You will not be able to function effectively if you do not rest," I inform him, and give him the look I would give my son when he willfully misbehaved.
In return I receive the look I often see Daniel Jackson give O'Neill in similar circumstances. Then that look disappears to be replaced by one of desperation so deep it pierces my heart. "Teal'c, I can't stop," he whispers. "Don’t you understand? So far we haven't found anything, no sign of them. General Hammond has reported them missing in action. You know what the next step is, don't you? He'll call off the search! I've got to come up with something, a new plan, a new theory, a new --" He breaks off, his voice choking.
I can feel the tremors of his body where I still grasp his arm. I do not doubt that he is correct in everything he says, and I do not doubt that he is our best hope for finding O'Neill and Captain Carter. "Yes," I agree softly, "that is all necessary. But it is also necessary for you to rest and refresh yourself in order to function." I see him gathering his strength for another protest and have a sudden thought. "Meditate with me," I offer.
He blinks at me, and shakes his head a little as if trying to clear it. "What?"
"Meditate with me," I repeat. "It will refresh you, renew your strength so you may continue working."
"Meditate," he echoes, as if trying to ascertain if this is some trick. Finally, he nods slowly. "Okay. Maybe that will help clear my head," he murmurs as if to himself. Then he fixes me with a stern look. "But only for a few minutes."
"Only a few minutes," I agree, and lead him out of the room.
***
I smile to myself as I ease Daniel Jackson down on the cot in my room and cover him with a blanket. I had insisted he sit on my cot to meditate, convincing him it would be more comfortable for him than the floor. With the darkened room and soothing candlelight, it was only a matter of minutes before I saw his head droop as exhaustion finally overtook him.
After making sure he is indeed deeply asleep, I step outside, closing the door behind me, and take up my station. I do not fool myself into thinking he will sleep for very long; I have seen this before when O'Neill has forced him to rest. He is much too worried and has consumed too much coffee to allow him to recoup all the sleep his body truly needs. But while he does sleep I will see to it that no one disturbs him.
*****
Part 6 - "We ruled out a planet we shouldn't have."
*Teal'c*
Even meditation does not settle my mind.
Daniel Jackson was correct: after a fruitless search of all the planets that correspond to his theory, General Hammond has called off the search for O'Neill and Captain Carter. When General Hammond delivered the news, Daniel Jackson left the Gate Room, refusing to speak to anyone, and shut himself in his office.
It is now in the early hours of the morning and I am certain he has neither eaten nor slept. I leave my quarters to seek him out and will attempt once again to persuade him to rest.
Daniel Jackson is not in his office or his quarters, so I go to the only place he would be. As expected I find him in front of the large Stargate map. But he is not looking at the map. He is stooping to stare at a glass of water on the table. The two hours of sleep he received while in my quarters was clearly not sufficient. For the first time I feel the same mixture of irritation and concern that O'Neill must feel where this young, very stubborn scholar is concerned.
"Daniel Jackson."
He does not look around; he is still staring at the glass. "Teal'c. Did you see that?" He straightens and stares at the Stargate.
I walk over to join him. It takes all my training in patience and self-restraint not to physically remove him from this room. Instead, I force myself remain still and ask, "Why are you here?"
"I couldn't sleep. I was thinking that I must be missing something." Finally he turns to look at me and I see a spark of hope in his eyes for the first time since this ordeal began. "And now I just realized. We ruled out a world we shouldn't have."
*****
Part 7 - Epilog
Journey Entry
Earth
I think I've set a new record for consecutive hours of sleep. Now that Jack and Sam are safely home and on the mend, I can afford it. I'll have to remember that little trick of Teal'c's, though, about the meditation. I hadn't realized he could be so sneaky; obviously he's been hanging around Jack too long.
Speaking of Jack... It didn't look good when we found him in that ice cave, but Janet assures us he's going to be fine. After a brief stopover at McMurdo base to stabilize both him and Sam, we flew back to Cheyenne Mountain. Proving I can be just as sneaky as Teal'c, I managed to evade all efforts to evict me from the infirmary and be by Jack's side when he finally woke up. He was concerned about Sam, and relieved to know Teal'c and I were okay, although he made a few pithy remarks about my appearance and general inability to look after myself when he wasn't around. I didn't miss the opportunity to point out that I wasn't the one in the infirmary bed. He pointed out I looked like I should be.
That's when Janet put in an appearance and threw me out. But as I was leaving, Jack reached out and snagged my sleeve.
"Hey." He tugged at the material to get my attention. "So how'd you figure it out?"
I hadn't told him anything about what had gone on back here at base, so the question caught me off-guard. "How do you know it was me?"
He was fading fast as Janet's painkillers began to do their job, but he gave me a small, knowing smile as his eyes closed. "'Cause I know you, Doctor Jackson. You never give up. You're as stubborn as I am." He opened his eyes briefly and added in a soft voice, "You did good, Daniel."
That was the same thing he said to me on the ramp after Lya took the Tollans away from under Maybourne's nose. But I didn't deserve the praise.
"I should've figured it out sooner," I whispered, flashing back to that scene in the ice cave when I got my first look at Jack. "It was too close. If I had --"
"Hey." Jack's voice took on a sharp tone and his fingers tightened around my wrist even as he was struggling to stay awake. "You saved our lives, Daniel. Because of you, Carter and I are alive. Got that?"
I smiled a little. "Yeah, Jack. Got it."
"Good." His eyes slid shut again and just when I thought he was completely out, he mumbled, "Now get outta here and get some sleep before I have Doc sedate you. You look like hell."
Seeing by the expression on Janet's face she was quite willing to do just that, I did the wise thing and left.
As bad as his injuries look, I've learned Jack's a tough man to keep down. So when Janet assures us he'll make a full recovery I believe her, just because I know Jack. Give him a few days and he'll be bored enough in the infirmary to be thoroughly annoying, so I guess I'll pack up some cards and the chess set and plan on trying to keep him entertained.
Sam is already back on her feet, thank goodness. She's still really tired and every time I've visited her she's had the thermostat set way up in her room, but she's bouncing right back. She's one of the most resilient people I've ever known. I took her back to her place this morning so she can rest at home and tonight Teal'c and I are going over with a hot meal and keep her company. I have to remember not to dress too warmly.
This was so close. Too close. I haven't been that scared in a long time, thinking Jack and Sam were gone. Looking back on it, there was no reason to believe they were still alive and no real basis for my theory about them being thrown to another Gate. But I couldn't give up on them. If it had been any of us missing like that, Jack would have never given up. I guess Jack is right; it looks like we have something in common after all.
D. Jackson
© January 7, 2000 The characters mentioned in this story are the property of Showtime and Gekko Film Corp. The Stargate, SG-I, the Goa’uld and all other characters who have appeared in the series STARGATE SG-1 together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of MGM-UA Worldwide Television, Gekko Film Corp, Glassner/Wright Double Secret Productions and Stargate SG-I Prod. Ltd. Partnership. This fanfic is not intended as an infringement upon those rights and solely meant for entertainment. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author.