Alone in the darkness, Daniel Jackson sighed and rolled over in his bunk, punching his lumpy pillow for good measure. This day had stretched endlessly. Kawalsky's funeral and wake increased the building pressure inside the linguist's chest until he wanted to find a private space to scream. Every time he glanced at Jack's stoic face, Daniel's heart twisted into another knot. He knew so many languages. Where were the words of comfort he so desperately needed to give to his friend?
"Daniel thinks it's fascinating," he heard the Colonel tell Kawalsky in his mind.
A wince flickering over his drawn features, Daniel wondered exactly when knowledge had come to mean more to him than people. Jack's words confirmed it.
In the crowd of solemn soldiers, Daniel's sad eyes had sought out the older man. O'Neill had stood ramrod straight, his neutral face masking any hint of his feelings. The one time the Colonel had met his gaze near the end of the service, Jack's brown eyes looked bruised and lifeless. The scientist had flushed, feeling like an outsider crashing a private memorial.
His lower lip still stung where he'd bit it. Daniel had wanted to nod his understanding but didn't. He wasn't a soldier or a real part of this community. Except for Sha're and Skaara, he'd never lost anyone in his life. Well, not really. His own parents were a memory he'd rather not face, and the series of foster ones didn't count because they'd always volunteered him away like an outgrown toy. He'd never had siblings. His often-painful shyness prevented him from making friends at the orphanages the powers that be had stuck him in. When it came down to it, even his loss of Sha're and Skaara couldn't count because he had the hope of rescuing them from the Goa'ulds.
No, he had no real understanding of such a loss. How could he console a man who wouldn't even admit he was hurting soul deep? The distance between them couldn't be bridged without common ground.
Daniel's breath hitched in his throat. He'd miss Kawalsky's affectionate teasing. It sure beat the strained reserve most of the SGC personnel used with him. To watch Jack and the other man express their unspoken friendship had provided him with vicarious delight. His weary eyes suddenly burning, Daniel swallowed resentment that stung like acidic bile in his throat.
The Colonel and Kawalsky seemed more like brothers than co-workers or friends. He'd often envied the easy camaraderie which had existed between the two. Daniel flung his blanket aside on the thought and sat up. Too restless to attempt sleep any more, he donned his shirt, pants and shoes. There had to be coffee warming somewhere on the base. Suddenly, slumber and the resulting dreams it could bring became a bad idea.
He shivered as he exited his room and hurried through the deserted corridor. Could jealousy give him nightmares? Was he in some small way responsible for Kawalsky's death not only because he'd opened the Stargate but because he'd coveted the friendship of two soldiers?
"Daniel thinks it's fascinating." The ghost of O'Neill's words echoed in his mind. Had he really been so caught up in the how and why of something that he'd forgotten it was Jack's best friend who'd nearly died?
Who had died.
Daniel entered the gateroom, unsurprised his feet had drawn him there and not startled to find Jack staring at the empty circle as if the mystery of life could be discovered within its circumference.
"Hi," Daniel greeted a little nervously as he came to stand beside the other man. The scientist balanced on the balls of his feet. The briefest hint would send him running.
O'Neill nodded and quickly glanced away, the movement masking the bleakness of his brown eyes.
"Thought I'd get some coffee. Want some?"
"I heard somewhere that caffeine will keep you awake all night." The wry amusement had returned to the soldier's voice but rang hollow as if it were an eggshell thin façade.
"You say that like it's a problem," Daniel matched the light tone. "After Abydos, it's hard to get used to these twenty-four hour days."
"Yeah," Jack admitted, "I remember when I got back after the first time. Kawalsky..." His throat closed on the name.
Feeling the sick pressure in his chest again, Daniel managed, "He was a good friend, Jack."
"And a damn fine teammate," the Colonel agreed. "You could always count on him."
"Unlike me," whispered the tiny voice inside Daniel's skull. How many times had he let this man down? Guilt flushed his pale face. "Just leave," his mind-speaker urged. "Don't remind him we buried a better man than you today." "Uhh..." he began, thinking desperately of a way he could get out of the room.
"Kawalsky shouldn't have waited for me on Chulak," Jack said quietly, "If he'd followed orders, that thing wouldn't have had the chance to jump inside him."
"Maybe, maybe not," Daniel's soft voice firmly countered. "The Goa'ulds might have discovered SG-2 and attacked when they activated the gate. You can't dwell on what ifs..."
Jack's eyes flashed. "Oh, come on, Daniel. Don't tell me a day doesn't go by that you don't think about what would have happened to you if you hadn't been recruited for this program."
"I don't have to. I know. I'd lost my grants, my home and everything except two suitcases of clothes. My reputation was shot. That's not a what if. That's a what's next, and the answer was nothing."
"You could have taught with your credentials."
As Daniel shook his head, dim light reflected off the lenses of his glasses, hiding his blue eyes. "I was a loser, Jack. No one wanted to listen to me. No one."
With a surprised blink, O'Neill digested the information. His companion's matter-of-fact tone told its own bleak tale. His peers had tagged the scientist unworthy. No wonder he was so eager to redeem himself by sharing any knowledge he possessed. The unfairness of it made a muscle jerk in Jack's tightened jaw. "Well, you proved 'em all wrong by opening this thing," he said with a wave for the Stargate.
"I wish I hadn't."
Unable to believe what he'd heard, Jack demanded, "For God's sake, why?"
"Sha're and Skaara wouldn't be Goa'ulds and Kawalsky…" Daniel swallowed hard past the burning lump in his throat, "Kawalsky might still be alive."
"I thought you didn't believe in what ifs?"
The scientist had the grace to look abashed.
With a heavy sigh, Jack shook his head. "Kawalsky didn't regret becoming part of the SGC. He told me once it was the rush of a lifetime."
Daniel nodded. "I know how he felt."
"Me too," Jack's admission came on a yawn. He glanced at the man beside him. The mussed hair, rumpled clothing and bloodshot blue eyes documented a severe lack of sleep. Had he even snatched more than four straight hours of rest since his forced return to earth? Yet, Jack instinctively knew Daniel would stand beside him as long as he needed him to. "Instead of coffee, why don't we see if there's any Ovaltine in the breakroom?"
Making a face, Daniel countered, "I like Carnation hot cocoa. Ovaltine tastes like ground up melted vitamins."
A tired grin lifted the corners of O'Neill's mouth. "Teal'c didn't seem to mind."
"He doesn't know any better. I do."
Lightly clapping Daniel on the shoulder, Jack relented, "Okay. Let's go see what we can dig up." Inside him, the emptiness caused by Kawalsky's death remained, but it wasn't as consuming as before.
Daniel smirked and nodded. "Never say dig up to an archeologist. A professor of mine once brewed some mummy tea for me. He used burial wrappings to strain it."
"Sounds just like Lipton's," Jack quipped as he walked away.
"Now that you mention it…" Daniel said, following him.
Behind them in the darkness of the empty gateroom, something briefly shimmered in the silent Stargate. The flicker of Kawalsky's bright smile flashed and was gone. His legacy of friendship remained.
© February 7, 1999 The characters mentioned in this story are the property of Showtime and Gekko Film Corp. The Stargate, SG-I, the Goa'uld and all other characters who have appeared in the series STARGATE SG-1 together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of MGM-UA Worldwide Television, Gekko Film Corp, Glassner/Wright Double Secret Productions and Stargate SG-I Prod. Ltd. Partnership. This fanfic is not intended as an infringement upon those rights and solely meant for entertainment. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author.