Sam sat pensively alone in her room on base. She had been reassured by a recent phone call from Dr Fraiser, confirming that Daniel was recovering from his <addiction>, for want of a better word. At least it seemed that he would recover, physically. But emotionally, mentally, who knew?
Her thoughts strayed from his present state to the incident in her lab earlier that day. She just couldn't shake his words out of her head. His confused state didn't disguise the fact that his words had hit the target, like a Scud missile. Love was something she had never really known.
She thought she had, on many occasions, but when she reflected on it now, she realised he was right. Jonas had been the worst error of judgment she had made, mistaking pity for love. She'd fallen into a trap so common to many women, of believing she could change the behaviour of her man, not realising that the old saying about leopards was true. There had been men since Jonas, and she had even had to let a couple of guys down gently when they had professed their love for her. If she thought back even further, there had been infatuations, crushes and even a short period of obsession with a boy in high school, but never love.
She had had her share of blind dates, one night stands, and brief encounters, but, love. It was such a simple word, yet held such depth, such passion, such meaning. She knew she didn't truly comprehend every level of this emotion, and she was starting to despair that she would never do so.
Daniel had known, he had known so well. It was obvious whenever anyone mentioned his lost wife Sha're, the pain was still so raw.
Daniel had talked about it on many occasions with her, his most vivid metaphor being that it felt like his heart had been torn out of his chest and cast into a raging fire. She had never experienced pain like that, and could only empathise with him. She couldn't tell him she understood how he was feeling, or that it would get better with time. The usual clichés didn't even come close to assuaging his guilt and grief. Nor to giving her a comprehension of the depth of his pain.
She pulled her knees up to her chin and rocked back and forth on the bed. She definitely needed to talk to him.
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Daniel lay prone on the Infirmary bed, a sheen of perspiration covering his upper lip. Although Dr Fraiser was satisfied with his progress, he still had a long way to go. He murmured in his sleep, and she threw an anxious look his way. It was ok, he was still asleep. His dreams were obviously disturbed, but the sedative she had given him ensured that his body received the rest it so desperately required.
As Janet re-checked his vitals again, the door opened. Janet looked over and smiled as Sam entered the room. Janet held a finger up to her lips as Sam approached, and Sam nodded her comprehension.
"How is he, Janet?" she whispered, glancing over at Daniel's still body.
"He's getting there. I've had to sedate him so that his body has time to recuperate, but by morning, he should be 'clean'. It felt strange to hear terms related to a chemical addiction in these circumstances, but in essence it was what Daniel was suffering from. Continued use of the Goa'uld sarcophagus when one was healthy led to an obvious, and frightening addictive state, which they had all been witness to.
"So, how much of all this will he remember when he does wake up?"
Janet considered that for a moment. "I really can't say. It depends how traumatised he feels when he comes round. His memory could be complete, or he could block the whole thing, or even portions of it, from his mind. We really won't know any more until he wakes up."
Sam nodded thoughtfully. "Okay. Well, I'll come by in the morning and see how he's doing then" As she turned to leave, Janet put out a hand to stop her. "Sam, are you okay" she asked. "You seem....distracted. Anything I can help you with? "
Sam shook her head. "No. It's just been a tough few days."
"And you're worried about Daniel?" Janet didn't need an answer to know that this was the case. "Okay. Get some rest, that's an order."
Sam nodded and left the Infirmary. She didn't expect to be able to sleep that night, but she would try to rest anyway.
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Daniel heard sounds around him before he felt able to open his eyes. Voices were muffled, and he couldn't make out who was there, never mind what they might be saying. He thought long and hard about opening his eyes, before a sudden flash of bright light made his mind up for him. He blinked reflexively, before allowing his eyes to open the tiniest amount. As they came into focus, he was able to make out a small, red-haired woman, holding a tiny flashlight over his face.
"Good morning, Dr Jackson," she said, her voice sounding as though she was in slo-mo. "How are you feeling?"
He tried to reply, but no sound came from his mouth. He realised at that moment that his throat was as dry as a sandbox, and he coughed harshly. The woman nodded her understanding, and picked up a cup, with a straw. She held it to his mouth and allowed him to drink. The liquid cooled the raw feeling, and he was able to cough, and then speak. "Not so hot, actually."
The woman laughed slightly at that. "Well, that's to be expected, you've been through a tough ordeal. You get your bearings, and then we'll talk some more later."
He nodded, wondering what she meant by 'a tough ordeal'. At the moment, he couldn't even remember his name, never mind anything else. The woman left and he laid his head back on the pillow. He closed his eyes, to block out the harsh light, but remained awake. Quiet noises sounded around him, and he tried desperately to remember where he was, who he was, and what had happened to him.
The memories gradually returned. Daniel Jackson. Sha're. SGC. Jack. Sam. Shy'la. He groaned as memories of recent events returned to him. Then his words to his friends came back, and he cried out. Dr Fraiser was at his side at the sound of his voice, querying whether he was in any pain, or if he needed anything. He looked up at her, blue eyes wide with pain and regret. "I need to speak to Sam."
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"So, Sam, what happened when you were supposed to be watching Daniel yesterday?"
Sam looked at her CO, and then glanced away. She knew him well enough by now to know that trying to convince him nothing had happened wouldn't work. "Well, he was acting very weird. Hyper, almost. When I tried to convince him that he was suffering withdrawal symptoms from the sarcophagus, he .....well, sir, he flipped."´
"Ah ah." Jack wagged his finger at Carter. He knew there was more to it than that. "Come on, spill it. Something else happened, and I need to know what."
Sam tried unsuccessfully to conceal the pain the memory still caused her. When she looked up the Colonel's eyes caught hers and refused to let her go without telling. "Well, sir, he was talking about Shy'la, and about how he needed to go back to her. I reminded him that he's already married to Sha're, and he started talking about how she was lost to him, and that he couldn't be expected to wait forever for the possibility of getting her back. Then he......well, sir, he said, that I had never really known what love is." Sam stopped and cleared her throat before continuing, "I told him that the Daniel I know would never have said something like that, and that was when he just flipped."
Jack nodded. "And then you came to see me and General Hammond?"
"Yes, sir."
Jack laid his hand on Sam's shoulder. "You know he wasn't himself. There's no way he meant that, Sam."
Sam's voice was filled with unshed tears. "Yes,sir." She stood and left Jack's office. Jack turned and banged his fist on the desk.
Damn Shy'la, why had she messed with Danny's head like that? Carter was usually as strong, or stronger than any of SG-1, but Daniel's words had her rattled good and proper. Fixing this was not going to be easy.
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Sam walked through the Infirmary door, and saw Daniel sitting up in his bed, although his eyes were closed. She approached him quietly, but he somehow sensed her presence. His eyes opened, and looked at her with apology pouring out of them. "Sam, I'm glad you came." She sat next to him and smiled slightly. "I really need to talk to you."
"What about?" Sam asked.
"About what I said to you the other day in your lab." He saw the flash of pain in her eyes as she bent her head slightly.
"Sam, I was so out of line"
She looked at him again, and he felt his stomach fall. "Daniel, you shouldn't feel bad about the truth. What you said made me look at my life, and..... you were right." She laughed humourlessly. "They say the truth hurts, and that did."
Daniel closed his eyes and then looked back at her. He reached out to take her hand. "Sam, I know that's not true. I was....angry and confused, I lashed out, unfairly"
Sam shook her head. "Daniel, it's okay. You were right. Love is something that was never a priority for me. I thought I'd found it when I met Jonas, but..... well, you know what a huge mistake that was. Since then, I've kinda concentrated on my career, there's been no time for love."
"Sam. There's more than one kind of love, you know."
Sam's puzzled look told him she didn't understand. When the word love was mentioned, she automatically thought about romantic love. It was a conditioned response to the word: Love = Romance. Like Scooby and Shaggy, bacon and eggs, yin and yang, the two words belonged together.
"Real love isn't about romance and roses. It's about caring. Caring about others, wanting to protect them from hurt and pain." Daniel leaned forward, and touched her cheek tenderly. "Sam, I love you, and I never, ever want you to be hurt."
Sam, unused to such affectionate words, felt the tears finally spring to the corners of her eyes. Before she could muster the infamous Carter self-control, the tears had fallen, down her cheeks and onto Daniel's hand.
Daniel's voice grew softer as he spoke. "Sam, don't cry. I hate myself for saying what I said. You do know love, because I know how much you care. For Cassandra. For Jack. And, I hope, for me."
Sam nodded, and Daniel's hand slid to the back of her neck. He pulled her towards him, into a warm embrace. After a moment, Sam put her arms around him, and squeezed him tight. He knew then that things were going to be all right between them.
I wrote this some time ago after watching Need for the umpteenth time. It was beta'd in January this year by Beth J, Victoria and Lisa J. I don't know if they will even remember reading it but their sage advice was very welcome, especially to someone who hadn't let anyone read their work for 15 years!
Thanks, guys, and I hope you enjoy re-reading this.
© August 2, 2001 The characters mentioned in this story are the property of Showtime and Gekko Film Corp. The Stargate, SG-I, the Goa'uld and all other characters who have appeared in the series STARGATE SG-1 together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of MGM-UA Worldwide Television, Gekko Film Corp, Glassner/Wright Double Secret Productions and Stargate SG-I Prod. Ltd. Partnership. This fanfic is not intended as an infringement upon those rights and solely meant for entertainment. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author.