Oh my god, Sha're's gone. Again, once more. No, not again, she's not Sha're.But the pain and the feelings are the same. Why her, why now, why me?
<Sha're>
You were taken from me over four years ago, and I still miss you now as it if was yesterday, I know now that you're not coming back, but I still love you, and I always will. In a way it was my fault that you got kidnapped.
When you were taken from me, my life became empty. With you went the best part of me; it was only with the help of my friends that I survived those terrible days, and the ones that followed.
When I think about all that's happened through the years, I have to wonder why the hell it's always me. I don't deserve all the things that have happened over the last three years. The Goa'ulds seem to be fixed on me. In all my life I haven't had many people who cared for me, or that I cared for, but they seemed to have been snatched from me one after another.
When I was a child I couldn't do anything to prevent my parent's death. Even though it was a great loss, I know now that it was an accident. All these things are different. The Goa'uld have systematically crashed all my vague attempts of built a life. One after one without reprieve.
<Hathor>.
Whenever I remember her, a cold shiver comes around me. She deluded all of us, and especially me. I know that the person who fell in love with her wasn't really me, and that it wasn't love but I can't avoid thinking that I failed you, Sha're, that day. Wasn't the first, and it wouldn't be the last.
<Sha're>
When I met you again, on Abydos, well, I wasn't ready to face you. Not there, not that moment. All those years I was hoping to find you, and when I finally did, I .... I just failed you again.
When you told me that you were ashamed, oh my sweetheart, I was the one who should be ashamed, especially after Shyla.
<Shyla>
When we met in Abydos that first time since you were abducted, I was just starting to overcome the entire damned affair, the sarcophagus, the withdrawal, Jack.... I don't think I could ever forget what she did to me, but in time I will forgive her. It wasn't entirely her fault, I was there too, and it was my choice at the beginning. I spent too much time trying to forgive myself for what I did to Jack, and maybe one day I will finally succeed in that particular goal. Not now, not tomorrow, but someday. I don't have clear thoughts about what happened those days on Shyla's planet, but the scene in the storeroom is clearly vivid in my mind, I remember every night, with all details. What I almost did. I nearly....Oh my god, it has been almost three years but I still blame Shyla for this. Not for the sarcophagus, not for the withdrawal, not for what was done to me, but for what I did to my friends as a result. This was entirely Shyla's fault, and I will
never, never forgive her for that, as I never can forgive myself.
And then in one of the worst moments of my life I found you ,Sha're.
You were pregnant, with a child of Apophis'. Anger, fear, wrath, enveloped me, then and now. I tried to help you, I delivered your son, neither Amaunet's son nor Apophis' son, Sha're's son. Shifu. And I fell in love with you again, forever, Sha're. And I lost you again...
Until we met again. Until I found you, and lost you, this time forever. I can't find the words to describe the emptiness that had consumed my soul since you died, deeper than the intense feeling of loneliness that enveloped me since the day you were taken away from me, something I couldn't imagine possible.
I have to repeat to myself every day that you're gone, that you will never return to me. At least I had the chance to say goodbye. Goodbye my love.
<Ke'ra>
I hadn't begun to recover from your loss when I found myself trapped in an impossible relationship. Ke'ra appeared in my life with no warning. She was sweet, beautiful, strong, and so much the opposite of you, Sha're, in every way, maybe because of that I was attracted to her. When all this happened I was alone. I was lost in my recent pain, and I just not wanted to fight against it. My soul was still crying for you and I felt alone with my pain, despite Jack, despite all my friends' company... I had lost the light of my life and I wasn't ... I think I wasn't ready for her. Only that Ke'ra wasn't Ke'ra, she couldn't be just a woman. I accepted who she was, but she couldn't. And I gave her the chance I didn't have, to forget.
A deep sense of relief surprised me as she stepped out the gate. She wasn't for me and I wasn't for her, I wasn't prepared and she wasn't prepared. It was better for both of us that way.
And when after a very difficult year I came across with my past, with Sarah, with my life with you, Sha're, kept it in a very warm and safe place. I thought I could afford what life deserved to me, whatever it is. But destiny plays dirty tricks with me.
She was taken by a Goa'uld, and everything started again. My life seems a joke, all has to do with those dammed Goa'uld, but this time I will help Sarah, I won't let them take away anything else from me.
It's like I lost you once more, but now there is a big difference, I'm different, and now I know you. Sha're, we were only together for a very short period of time, but it was enough, we loved for an entire life.
And now I have the rest of my life, I will always remember you, my love, but my life has to go on, and now I have another goal in my future, I will find Sarah, it's a promise, one that I'm determined to accomplish.
fin
It's my first fic, please be gentle with me, feedback me with your ideas or comments, thanks. Many many thanks to Judy for doing the first beta you've done all the hard work, and to Carrie for finishing. And many many thanks to nausica for being there since the begginig of all.
© August 6, 2001 The characters mentioned in this story are the property of Showtime and Gekko Film Corp. The Stargate, SG-I, the Goa'uld and all other characters who have appeared in the series STARGATE SG-1 together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of MGM-UA Worldwide Television, Gekko Film Corp, Glassner/Wright Double Secret Productions and Stargate SG-I Prod. Ltd. Partnership. This fanfic is not intended as an infringement upon those rights and solely meant for entertainment. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author.