EPILOGUE for Show and Tell

I had to use my foot to hold the door as I attempted to pry my key free from the lock. I felt like I was drunk, my control was slipping as I was swept along into oblivion. But somehow I never made it past woozy and into the black hole. I said I felt like I was drunk I didn't say I was. No, this little trip was courtesy of Janet's pain medication. I hate the stuff but somehow she stuck me with it when I wasn't paying attention. But that's okay, maybe I should just take more. She'd be surprised. See, she expects me not to take any -- not overdose on it. And I guess I won't. I think I'm past that point. To be honest with myself I think I'm too scared. Colonel Jack O'Neill, chickenshit.

I can feel a pleasant breeze wafting from my den and for a moment I'm puzzled until my ears pick up the soft hum of a portable fan. I must have forgotten to turn it off though I'm glad I did; it's too hot inside me. And then it's too cold. Mentally, I shrug: I don't care anymore.

I leave the lights off. This is my familiar and I manage to navigate with only a few missteps. The darkness is nice; you can hide things in the darkness.

I throw the bottle of pain meds on the couch, or at least I tried to. The little pills rattle around inside the plastic jar as it rolls across the floor. My jacket comes next, if a little awkward, everything is. I'm not sure I realized how much I rely on the use of two arms.

Before I know it I've stripped off everything but my boxers as I head to the bathroom. Washing my face one handed and in complete darkness becomes a challenge and I'm glad, it gives me something to concentrate on. Undeniable relief rushes through me, as I am unable to see my reflection in the mirror. But my imagination is too great and I 'see' my haggard face with the blood-shot eyes and graying hair. My eyes are the worst; they allow me a peek at the haunted, desperate man that I've become. I turn away, but as it is not a true reflection anyhow it follows me. Squeezing my eyes shut I silently scream and then I lend voice to the horrible sound that has echoed in my head. "Charlie!" the scream escapes as I drop to the cold tiled floor. Pressing my hot cheek to the cool and unyielding surface I sob. My 'reflection' is gone and there's just blackness.

I stay sprawled on the floor until I am sure I can stand. It's difficult but then I've done difficult. I've done the impossible, I've traveled to galaxies far, far away, I've met aliens, I've fought gods, I've done death... it's just life that I can't do. I have watched my son die; I even caused his death. Then I gave the last kick to destroy a marriage I had already condemned. And then I was given a second chance, a second son. A second Charlie. And I blew it. I didn't just kill this one I handed him over to a fate worse than death. I looked him in the eye and I lied to him, "Everything's going to be okay, Charlie." He had smiled at me as I took his little hand and led him up the ramp. He was dying and you saved his life. Did I? Or did I sign him over to the snakeheads so that I didn't have to watch another son die? Charlie, please forgive me. I am so sorry.

Suddenly my familiar house was too oppressive. Retracing my steps, I stumble through my house pulling on my discarded pants and T-shirt. I ignore my boots in my hurry to escape.

The fresh air is a welcome and I take deep gulps in an effort to relieve myself of the clinging claustrophobia. A soft yet hysterical giggle rips through me as the breeze rolls over my bare toes -- it tickles.

I can hear crickets and the occasional bark of a dog, but it is relatively silent at this late hour. I've climbed to the roof and I now sit in my observatory. Observatory -- I can't help but laugh at the thought. A still functioning part of me realizes that I have long since reached the point of hysteria. Most of me doesn't care, in fact it's glad. Isn't this odd, I'm thinking of myself in the third person? Now I can't even remember what I was thinking. Is that good?

Oh. Suddenly I can remember and I don't think I'm too happy about it, this is the opening of the floodgates, the crack in the damn, the... My observatory: a bench, an empty ice cooler and a very large and expensive telescope. But it's all I need, really.

I scoot closer to my telescope and look through the eyepiece. It's hard to imagine that there are that many stars. Of course, I know that there's even more out there somewhere. I've seen them; I've even named a few constellations. My grandmother once told me that there were more stars in the sky than grains of sand on all the beaches in all the world.

I am very tired but I do not want to go back inside. Well I've slept up here before. For some reason I can't stand up so I crawl into a corner until my back is pressed into the railing and a bit of roof.

Something woke me up, but even with my ears straining I hear nothing. And then there it was: crunching gravel. My internal alarms went on red alert and I hear 'someone's here' whispered frantically in my head. A much louder 'I don't care' silences the whisper as I close my eyes and try again for sleep.

And then there's the knocking. Go away.

"Jack," I hear whispered from below.

Oh God, it's Daniel.

"Jack!" a little louder this time. Daniel, go away.

I hear the rattle of the doorknob and I smile. It's locked, Danny. My grim smile fades as I remember that I, at one point, had given him a key.

He knocks again. "Jack!" It's not a whisper any longer.

I don't want to talk, Danny. Not today, please just go away.

Panic seizes me as I hear him climbing the ladder leading to my hideaway. He stops halfway up. "Jack?"

Please just go away.

I hear him thump back down the ladder. A snort. "Prob'ly passed out drunk on the sofa," he mutters.

Wish I were, Danny.

He's still mumbling to himself as he heads back to his car.

No alcohol with the meds, I reminded him silently. But thanks for leaving me be.

I awake to the bright glare of the sunlight: morning. My shoulder and various sore muscles protest as I rise to somewhat of a standing position. Groaning and cursing I lower myself down the ladder and on to the porch. Already the wooden floorboards are warm under my feet.

I had forgotten about the locked door and, expecting yield where there was none, sent my already wounded shoulder straight into the door. The pain medication had long since worn off and I was reduced to a shivering, gasping heap as I collapsed on the doorstep. I concentrated on breathing and fighting the blackout that was rushing in on all sides; it didn't quite work.

I awoke for the third time and figured since I was down here on the ground I might as well retrieve the hidden key. I finally found it buried deep in the pot of marigolds beside the door.

Standing was proving to be quite a feat, so again I reverted to kneeling and crawling. My knee did not appreciate this but it was either that or lying out on my porch like some beached whale for a neighbor to find.

Today the lights would be on. The sunlight streaming through the various windows did nothing to abate the gloom. Whatever safety I had derived from last night's darkness was gone, replaced by an irrational fear of whatever lurked in the shadows. Every overhead light and lamp was flicked on. Much better.

Still crawling on all fours I spotted the little white bottle under my coffee table. The bottle was quite a distance from the couch; I scowled. Again I aimed for the couch. The little bottle sailed through the air before landing on the sofa cushion... and bouncing to the floor. "Well damn them anyway," I muttered.

Rising woozily to my feet I staggered to the bathroom. I showered with the bathroom door open. I was afraid of what was out there, afraid of what I couldn't see, afraid of what I would see. Jeez Jack, you sound like some little kid.

I know, a little voice whispered inside me.

I shut off the water and hesitated to pull back the shower curtain. Perhaps leaving the door open wasn't such a good idea. What could get in here? What couldn't? a sneaky voice whispered. Angrily I yanked the curtain open, pulling it free of the little plastic rings with angry pops. Wuss.

I dressed quickly, avoiding all mirrors as I rushed about. I didn't have to be at work today, I had been given five days stand down, but I just couldn't stand to be in this house any longer.

I practically ran out the door, slamming it shut behind me. I was standing in my driveway where my jeep should have been when I realized that it was still at the base. I couldn't stand out here all day and I couldn't go back in the house. My breath was coming in ragged gulps at the mere thought of stepping foot in that house. "Get a hold of yourself, Jack!"

A loud HONK! scared me out of my hysteria. I turned slowly and tried to focus on the scene before me. Danny, Carter, Teal'c.

Act normal! I screamed inside my head. I tried for a smile but I could tell by their expressions that I didn't quite pull it off. "Hey, Guys," I said shakily.

"Uh, hi, Jack. What're you doin' out here?" Daniel asked tentatively.

Don't look at me like that. I tried another smile. "Just realizing my jeep was still at the base."

Carter stepped forward. "Well, Sir, we came by to see if you wanted to come with us."

Daniel gave her a strange look; she turned her carefully bright smile on him. "Uh, yeah," he added apparently just catching her signal.

"Where?" Not that I really cared. I'll go anywhere, just don't make me go back in there.

"Uh... to um..." Carter stammered.

"To the zoo," Daniel finished.

She whirled to face him, mouthing "the zoo?" He shrugged. They turned back, bright, hopeful smiles pasted to their faces. Teal'c said nothing, apparently game to anything.

"Okay," I said and saw surprise register across their features before they recovered.

"Great!" Daniel said excitedly.

I hoped I wasn't coming on too desperate. I tried for the ol' Colonel O'Neill charm, "I get shotgun."

I heard Daniel mutter an oath as he surrendered the seat.

Thanks, guys. You've saved me, again. Thank you.

© November 2000 The characters mentioned in this story are the property of Showtime and Gekko Film Corp. The Stargate, SG-I, the Goa'uld and all other characters who have appeared in the series STARGATE SG-1 together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of MGM-UA Worldwide Television, Gekko Film Corp, Glassner/Wright Double Secret Productions and Stargate SG-I Prod. Ltd. Partnership. This fanfic is not intended as an infringement upon those rights and solely meant for entertainment. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author.

Author's Note: This is my first fanfic so I hope I did this right Any feedback would be greatly appreciated (I think). Enjoy!

Back