The debriefing's been going on forever. I didn't have to come, of course, I did my bit hours ago whilst we were waiting for the rest of SG1 to make it back from the Cape. I filled the General in on what SG1 had encountered after our illicit 'Gate trip, as far as I could anyway, up to the point I'd been on the wrong end of a staff blast and been left behind, and how I'd made it back via the on board 'Gate to the Alpha Site, and then I'd been ordered to rest by the Doc. Rest. That was optimistic. I was so wound up I couldn't sit still. I didn't want to talk to anyone either. I just wanted to know they were safe. As soon as they'd been retrieved the NASA guys had relayed a message saying they were OK but I didn't believe it. I couldn't. Not until I saw them with my own two eyes in the Embarkation Room. It had been the General's idea to surprise them and, overwhelmed by relief, I'd agreed. The look on their faces when the General had uttered those words. I could see Jack's jaw hit the floor and suddenly I wanted to run away, afraid I'd burst into tears or do something stupid but the other SG Teams were shoving me forward and I was on the receiving end of a rib crushing hug from Jack before I could say a word.

After the back slapping and congratulations had faded and we'd been given breathing space we didn't know what to say to each other. No. That's wrong. We all knew exactly what we wanted to say, but saying it was another matter entirely. The summons to the debriefing had almost been a relief. I sat back and let them talk, hugging a coffee, extra strong, extra sweet, letting my thoughts drift.

" Doctor Jackson said he chose to be left behind because his injuries would have slowed you down." The General's voice intrudes into my thoughts. I see Jack's eye brows rise several inches as he looks in my direction.

" Well yeah, having half your chest blown off would do that I guess," he snorts. The flash back is so real I can smell the scorched flesh, feel the pain as skin, muscle and bone melt into each other. The agonising effort it took to drag myself across the chamber to the sarcophagus and climb into it, leaving a trail of blood a foot wide across the floor to mark each tortured inch of the journey...

" Daniel?" Sam is calling my name, kneeling in front of me, concern written all over her face. " Daniel? Are you OK?"

" What?" The room's so stuffy I can't catch my breath. Nausea wells up. Not here, not in the board room in front of Hammond please...

" Hasn't Fraiser seen to him?" That's Jack. He's annoyed with me again, I can tell by the tone of his voice, " Put your head between your knees Danny before you pass out." He's shoving my head down even as he says it but it's too late and for a brief moment everything fades out.

I should have my own bed in the infirmary, the nursing staff tease. I feel such a fool. Some hero huh? Fraiser was mad of course and ordered everyone, including the General to bed. Exhaustion, compounded by stimulants and the effects of the sarcophagus she reckons. The others called in to check I was OK, I managed to convince them I was fine and pretended to go to sleep but I can't sleep. I can't believe they're all right; that we defeated Apophys and killed Klorel... killed Skaraa, my dear, dear friend. The tears that have threatened all day brim up again. Not here. I need some privacy, but where? The base is packed with SGC staff and returning troops from the Alpha site and I know there's three soldiers bunked down in my usual quarters.

The Embarkation Room. I've hidden there before when I needed to be alone. I carefully retrieve the intravenous infusion from the stand and slip out of the infirmary. I'm still in my own fatigues, not one of those cute hospital gowns thank goodness. Bare foot I head to the 'Gate.

I have a lot to answer for. Well, me and the others who worked on opening the wretched thing. It could be such a glorious gift to mankind and yet it's brought pain and death in it's wake like some gruesome Pandora's Box, just as the Senator said. Would Skaraa still be alive if we'd never made it to Abydos that first time? Shau'ri still be with her family, young and fresh and innocent, not imprisoned by some ancient, malevolent entity. Would Jack be dead? Consumed by hatred and self destruction? Dead. I close my eyes and that awful wave of desolation comes crashing down and opens the flood gates.

" Danny?" I'm suddenly aware how cold it is. I've no idea how long I've been sitting here, hugging my knees and sobbing.

" Go 'way Jack." I want to be alone, ashamed of the emotions that are tearing me apart. Jack ignores me, as he's done so many times, and sits along side in silence.

" The nursing staff are threatening to put you in restraints." He says eventually. "They're tearing the base apart looking foir you. What's up?"

" Nothing." Well that's a great answer Jackson, that'll satisfy the Colonel, not.

" Hey Danny we saved the world. We're all alive. What's wrong?" He stops, understanding on his face. " That's it isn't it? You thought we were dead and you feel guilty for surviving?"

" I thought... I was so pleased with myself for getting back. It never even occurred to me that you were lost until the General... I thought you were dead. I was so dammed pleased with myself for getting home and then I...I thought you were dead and I was alone. Again. "

" We're OK Danny. We made it." I know we did but somehow it's still not real. Jack waits for a few minutes then scowls and hugs me so hard I yelp. " See. Real."

" Yeah. I see." I manage a faint grin, the tears are just about spent anyway. Jack produces a Kleenex and waits as I blow my nose and try to get a grip.

" I didn't want to leave you Daniel." His voice is so quiet. " I'm sorry."

" You had no choice."

" But the sarcophagus! I never even thought..."

" Jack. You had no choice." Now it's me who's reassuring him. " I'd have slowed you down."

" Yeah." We sit in silence for a while, " You OK Danny?"

" Yeah. Thanks Jack. For everything."

" I wish I could've saved Skaraa." There's genuine regret in his voice. He loved Skaraa as much as I did.

" Skaraa would understand Jack. At least he's free now."

" I guess." We sit a little longer in comfortable silence, " I'll never leave you behind again Daniel. I promise."

" I don't intend getting killed again, Jack, not for a while yet anyway." That brings a smile. " I guess I'd better face the Doc."

" Yeah, come on." Jack's on his feet, hand extended to haul me up, his grip like iron, he's alive and well and that's all that matters. Whatever fall out we get from disobeying orders we'll face together, as a team. Everything else can wait.

© August 21,1999 The characters mentioned in this story are the property of Showtime and Gekko Film Corp. The Stargate, SG-I, the Goa’uld and all other characters who have appeared in the series STARGATE SG-1 together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of MGM-UA Worldwide Television, Gekko Film Corp, Glassner/Wright Double Secret Productions and Stargate SG-I Prod. Ltd. Partnership. This fanfic is not intended as an infringement upon those rights and solely meant for entertainment. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author.