"I'm back!!"
As soon as the words were out of my mouth I knew it was a lame thing to say. I can tell by the guarded expressions plastered on the faces of my kids. And, I sense, they are oh so not accepting this. At least they're not telling me to go screw myself. At least not yet. Nope, I can however, see Carter starting to mellow as she considers Hammond's explanation of the constraints the Asgaard placed on this mission. Constraints, I might add, I vehemently protested. My team can be trusted I repeated and repeated and repeated. All to no avail. Sometimes I really hate this job. This is definitely one of those times when I had to trade on loyalty, trust and friendship. When I used my kids in some damn covert operation they didn't even know they're being used in. Until it all hit the fan. When I have to deliberately hurt people I care deeply about to protect them. Another lame excuse. Maybe I should go screw myself.
Okay, I see Teal'c is easing his way into forgiveness by that slight uplifting of the eyebrow. Very subtle, but I see it. Both he and Carter have been trained to accept the military hierarchy, disciplined to accept and follow orders no matter how distasteful they are. And they understand the concept of undercover operations. Okay, maybe this won't be so bad after all. Right. I look at Daniel. Oh boy. Hands shoved into his pants pockets, face masked in a look of betrayal and disbelief to learn how he was used in this charade. Because of his trusting nature he never realized he was an unwilling pawn. I used him. The Tollan used him. The Asgaard used him. And he is not happy, not at all. God, what have I done?
"It's good to have you back, sir," Carter offers, forcing a small grin.
"Indeed," the sentiment is echoed by Teal'c.
"Thank you," I say without much enthusiasm because I know I'm in deep shit here.
Daniel says nothing, which in itself is saying a lot. I am really screwed.
Okay, it's a start with Carter and Teal'c and I'll take it. But I know serious fence mending, groveling and ass kissing is in my immediate future. Starting now.
"Ahh, Daniel, " I walk toward him, waving my hand signaling him to join me. He steps in line walking at my side, still not looking at me. I should have expected the avoidance thing but it hurts all the same.
I move out of the gateroom Daniel at my side. "That stuff I was talking about at my house, the place was bugged. I had to keep up the act. Obviously, the whole friendship thing, the foundation is solid. Nothing to worry about." I hear him muttering some kind of response to my explanations, to my lameass excuse of an apology. I decide to pull out my Ace card. Reaching out, I halt his progress and garner his attention so he will hear what I have to say. "I do appreciate that you were the one to come to see if everything was all right. That meant a lot to me."
And that is the naked truth. It did mean a lot to me. I also knew Daniel would be the one to question my bad behavior, the one who would seek me out and try to find out the why behind it. I told Hammond the red herring about the off planet SGC base would not satisfy his curiosity. And it didn't. Sometimes I really hate it when I'm right.
When Daniel showed up on my doorstep I knew I would have to hurt him to protect him. Had to get him away ASAP and do it in a way that would keep him away. Yeah, right. Damnit, Hammond swore to me he would keep my kids on the base during this whole fiasco where they would be safe. Somehow Daniel slipped the cage and got to my house. I sent him away all right. I damn sure did.
"Ahh, actually no it doesn't."
I know my eyebrows crawled off my forehead at Daniel's announcement. It doesn't?
"We drew straws. I lost."
With that zinger, Daniel turns away and resumes walking down the hallway. Carter passes by, hurrying to be anywhere but here. Teal'c follows, pauses beside me, and with that smug, superior look he rarely uses, follows my other two kids and strides away leaving me gaping like a fish out of water.
Well, I've been told. God, please tell me this is fixable. Please.
****
I passed a long time in the locker room shower, just wanting the water to cleanse me of the filth I'd been wallowing in for the past week. No, much longer, I corrected myself. Starting when Hammond called me into his office a week after I got back from Edora. No, strike that. A week after my kids busted their guts and more to get me back. And this is how I repaid them for their undying loyalty and never give up attitude in rescuing me and not leaving me stranded on Edora forever. I screwed with them. Used them. God, I am a worthless bag of shit.
****
"...are very grateful. They will be meeting with SG-9 in a few days to re-establish our diplomatic relations."
"Oh, how nice for them," I mutter. Hammond gives me the "What was that" look. When I remain silent, he resumes. We've been having this little tete-a-tete debriefing in Hammond's office. I've heard maybe five words since the general began showering me with accolades.
"The President and Joint Chiefs also send their commendations and congratulations, Jack. The message alluded to you possibly earning a medal or special commendation in recognition of your heroic conduct in this matter."
Oh, great. Just what I need. Another piece of metal to clutter up my mantle place. "If it's all the same, tell 'em to keep their damn medal. No CO should be rewarded for single-handedly destroying his own unit." I don't let my words or my tone of voice hide my self-loathing.
"Jack," Hammond begins.
Sir," I bark, interrupting him. I'm on a roll. Now I'm jumping all over my commanding officer. I just stare at Hammond. I've been sitting in his office for nearly fifteen minutes and this is the first coherent thing I hear him say. "I want my team back."
Hammond sighs loudly nodding his head in understanding. "I'll speak with them, Jack. I'll explain everything, including the fact you were adamantly against keeping them out of the loop but were overridden by the Asgaard and the Tollan."
"It won't do any good, General." I should have just said to hell with what the Tollan and Asgaard wanted, and told my team anyway. They could be trusted to play along and not screw things up. "I used them. How can they ever trust me again, trust in my command?"
"Once I've explained, they'll understand, Jack."
I look over to Hammond and see he actually believes "the talk" will patch things up good as new. I think about venting some more but decide what would be the point. He's the general. His orders are paramount. I just want to get out of here.
"Why don't you take the next few days off, Jack," Hammond suggests as if he's reading my mind. "Go home, or go fishing. Relax, unwind, get your mind off of the last mission. I'll talk with the rest of SG-1 while you're gone, explain to them what was necessary and why it was necessary to do what had to be done."
"Yes, sir," I meekly comply standing. You talk. Keep me informed of how it went. I'll just go away for a few days and convince myself early retirement--again, how many times will this be?--is not the solution. I want my team back. I want my kids back. Actually the question is, do my kids want me back? Damnit, I have to find a way to get them back. And I should make that effort before I leave the base. I shouldn't have to rely on Hammond to do my job for me.
****
My first stop is Carter's lab. She was the first of my kids to begin accepting Hammond's skimpy explanation in the gate room. She should be the first one I talk to. Hands tucked inside my pants I saunter toward her lab and stand framed in the entryway. I leave the O'Neill charm at the door. This is serious business. As usual, Carter is hunched over a mechanical thingy diligently working away. It looks like that particle beam accelerator she built from scratch and used to uncover Edora's buried gate.
"Hey, am I interrupting anything?" I ask with some hesitation.
Carter straightens from her tinkering. She looks at me and for a second I see a flash of the hurt of my supposed betrayal in her intelligent blues eyes. Then it's gone. Her face brightens with a genuine smile of welcome. "No, sir. Not interrupting a thing. Please, come in."
I enter at the invitation and consciously keep my hands in my pockets. " Ah, Carter," I fumble around, my eyes focused anywhere except on her. Oh hell, I scold myself. Just get on with it. I look her straight in the eye. "I came to apologize. What I said to you when, I was, you know, well I was way outta line."
"I understand, sir. Covert operations, need to know. Fate of the human race in your hands. I'm just relieved to know everything that happened from stealing the device on Tollana to your er, retirement off world, was all just a show. Not acting like yourself at all, sir."
I wasn't expecting this reaction at all. Surely I would need to do some serious groveling here. "Just like that, I'm forgiven?"
"Yes, sir. Despite what you told me, the Colonel O'Neill I know would never have done those things or said what he said. Sir," she adds. "But," she amends and I know it's coming. "there is this little matter of trust in your commanding officer that may take some time to repair."
She's right of course. Carter's smart, that's one reason I'm glad to have her on my team. "Yeah, there is that."
"Sir, Teal'c and I understand now. We're military. We're aware that times orders exclude team members for the good of the mission."
"Well, whether you believe it or not, I was against keeping you excluded. I was overruled."
"I appreciate you telling me, sir. It's good to know you have that much faith in us. But you had your orders."
"Yeah, my orders," I repeat, staring down at the floor. As if that will excuse everything I did.
"Right now, I'm glad you're back and alive." I look up at this and see Carter is genuinely sincere. "Have you talked to Teal'c or Daniel yet?"
"No. You're the first one I came to see."
"Well, Teal'c will understand. But then there's Daniel, sir." She hesitates but I keep quiet so she goes on. "I don't know what you told him at your house. I only know he was even more upset when he came back to the base than when he left. And he wouldn't talk about it."
Oh yeah. Daniel had every right to be upset. I didn't just say nasty shit to him, I cut out his heart. With one sentence, I destroyed everything our friendship had been building on over these past few years. "We'll let's just say I was a perfect ass. I don't blame Daniel for being upset. I owe him more than some lame apology. I'd rather face down Apophis alone than face Daniel right now."
"Well, I'd be happy to come with you, sir, if that will help."
I grin. That's Carter, always thinking, always coming up with solutions. "Thanks, Carter. But that's my responsibility." She nods her head, understanding. "I'll let you get back to tinkering."
Well, that went better than I thought. Carter's right about the trust in leadership thing. I'll have to make an extra effort to prove to the kids they can trust me because I'll never lose my trust in them. Prove they can trust me never to do this shit to them again. And that's a vow I intend to keep. With one down and two to go, I knock on the closed door to Teal'c's quarters.
"Please enter, O'Neill."
I hear the deep voiced invite through the closed door. It's only as I turn the doorknob I realize Teal'c summoned me by name. Not sure how he knew it was me, I enter the semi-darkened room. As I expected, he is sitting cross-legged on the floor, the soft glow of numerous candles offering the only light. I decide I should leave so not to interrupt this private moment.
"I am pleased to see you, O'Neill."
Okay, Teal'c wants me to stay. Knowing I deserve a tongue lashing, or whatever the Jaffa consider as punishment for what I've done, I comply. His dark eyes are open, inviting me to sit on the floor opposite him. I do so, my pretzeled body not as comfortable with the pose as Teal'c. But no matter, I deserve to feel a little discomfort.
"You are?" I ask, "Ahh, pleased to see me that is."
"Why would I not, O'Neill?" I see his forehead furrow in deep lines around his Jaffa emblem.
"Well, you know. This little matter of lying, broken trust, having Makepeace take over command of SG-1."
My explanation only causes those furrows to deepen. "But were you not following the orders of General Hammond, the Asgaard and the Tollan? Did not your actions right a grievous wrong against the SGC?"
Yeah, Teal'c has already gone on to the forgive and forget stage. I should be relieved, and I am somewhat, but I'm not ready to let myself off the hook just yet. "You shouldn't make excuses for me, Teal'c. I'm supposed to the be the one apologizing to you here. Weren't you a little bothered by the way I was behaving? I was pretty nasty, even to you."
"I admit I was greatly disturbed by your actions. You were not behaving as the Tau'ri I freely pledged my allegiance to. However, it is not my place to question the orders of those I have chosen to follow. I, however, question the lack of trust from one I consider to be my friend."
Ahh, the trust thing. The same issue Carter harped on. "Yeah, well believe me I wanted to let you guys know because I trust you, all of you. But I was ordered not to." There's that lameass excuse again and I wince. God, how can I even try to justify this? How?
"I am relieved this decision did not please you, O'Neill," Teal'c declares, his forehead wrinkle free. "I consider our friendship whole once again." To emphasize his point, he bows toward me signaling I still have his respect. Gesture given, he straightens. "Have you spoken of these matters to DanielJackson?"
"No." No need to elaborate here. But I admit to myself, right now, I'm afraid to talk to Daniel.
"Although DanielJackson is a brave man, and my friend, he is not warrior trained. He was deeply disturbed after your retirement. Yet he would not speak of it to Major Carter or myself. I do not believe he will excuse your actions, O'Neill."
"Teal'c my friend, you said a mouthful."
I watch in some amusement as Teal'c's brown skinned brow furrows again. "I believe my mouth to be empty."
Despite myself, I smile. "It's a figure of speech. It means you're a very wise man."
"I am honored you believe me to be so, O'Neill. I will, therefore, endeavor to keep my mouth full."
Sometimes, like now, I'm not sure when Teal'c is being serious or revealing his often buried wicked humor. I slowly rise to stand. "Well, I'll get out of your hair then." I take my leave before I have to explain that cliche.
Well, two down and only Daniel to go. My kids are good people and I'm damn lucky to have them under my command, as shaky as that is at the moment, and have them be my friends as well. Carter and Teal'c have forgiven me, sort of. I know for the next few months at least I have to be on my best behavior, and hope to re-establish their trust in my command by word and deed.
I hesitate in the corridor outside Daniel's lab, reluctant to enter. Maybe if I impale myself on a sword that would impress upon Daniel how shitty I feel about this mess. Then again he may be so pissed at me he may think I deserve that and worse. I never, ever want to see that look of utter betrayal and hurt on Daniel's face when I told him our friendship thing was a sham. If only I can tell him, how the instant I saw the way my words hit him, how my gut clenched and my heart physically ached for the pain I caused. But I had to keep to my hardass act up until he was out the front door and all the while my mind was screaming, 'Daniel it's a lie, all a lie, just go along with it and I'll explain later'. I would do anything, anything he'd ask of me right now to take it all away. After Sara and Charlie, Daniel's the best thing to ever happen to me, the best friend I'd ever had or hope I still have. God, he so deserves to not have to put up with this crap.
I move to the entryway and see Daniel sitting before his computer screen, like Carter, diligently working. Looks like he's studying the mysteries hidden in whatever language is on the monitor.
I take a deep breath and enter.
"Hey, Daniel. How's it going?" I know I physically wince at the lameness of it but I honestly couldn't think of anything else to say.
Daniel's head never turns away from facing the monitor but I see a definite stiffening of his body.
"Fine. I have a lot of work to do."
Well, there it is. My dismissal. I am in a lot of shit here, not that I didn't expect this. I'm tempted to move around to be in Daniel's line of sight but think better of it. This shunning is his way of expressing his feelings right now and I have to respect that. Normally when Daniel is doing his clam imitation, I get in his face and make a nuisance of myself until I break those barriers down. That is the oh so wrong thing to do right now.
"Ahh, I'd like to apologize," I offer. I even sound meek and pathetic to myself so I can only guess how Daniel hears me.
"I'm really, really, busy right now."
Okay, I get the message. Get the hell out of my lab and out of my face. I so hope that also doesn't include get the hell out of my life. I realize I have to let Hammond and "the talk" make the first dent in the apology here. Daniel is in no mood to receive anything from me no matter how long I grovel at his feet.
"Well, I'll let you get to it then."
I hightail it outta Daniel's lab and I'm nearly running to the elevator. My worst fear is realized. I may have lost Daniel permanently. It's going to be a long few days off at home. Better lay in a large supply of beer. I'm gonna need it.
****
****
It was nearly two and a half weeks later before SG-1 was finally put back into the rotation and we were allowed to conduct an off-world mission. Fortunately, it was a piece of cake, just a simple mineral survey and no major calamity befell us. During that time Carter, Teal'c and I pretty much got back to normal workwise. Daniel,....Well, Daniel avoided me like the plague.
"The samples we retrieved are in the lab undergoing preliminary analysis. The initial results are encouraging, sir. P9S-503 may be a viable source of high-grade naquadah ore. Daniel's research found no signs of any civilization, either past or present."
"Excellent, Major Carter," Hammond praises as he gathers up the pages of Carter's report and shuffles them neatly into the folder. "I know some folks at the Pentagon will be pleased with the survey results."
Smiling, the general eyes all of us, his premiere SG team.
"Well, done, SG-1. You may stand down for the next seven days. I want final reports in my office within two days."
"Yes, sir," I answer for my team.
Carter smiles at me as she stands, and Teal'c nods his head my way before leaving. Daniel, not surprisingly, was the first to bolt, never once looking at me. A glacier would have more warmth than Daniel does towards me right now. Normally, I don't tolerate the cold shoulder act from anyone, much less a member of my team. But I royally screwed Daniel over so, to my way of thinking, I'm getting nothing less than what I deserve.
"Colonel, a moment," Hammond requests. I sit and wait until we are alone in the briefing room. "How is everything with SG-1?"
"Oh, well, Carter and Teal'c are fine, sir. In fact, on this last mission they had a running conversation about African Violets. Seems Teal'c wants to see if he has a green thumb. And Daniel," I pause drumming my fingers on the wooden table, "well, Daniel's said maybe three words to me in the last three weeks."
I can see Hammond is surprised at this last bit of news. Wish I could say I wasn't.
"Should I speak to Doctor Jackson again?" George offers.
"No, sir. It won't do any good." Which is true. Daniel sat through "the talk" along with Carter and Teal'c. Daniel has chosen not to be forgiving. I don't blame him. Daniel also will not cut me some slack and allow me to make amends. At least not yet. And I don't blame him for that either.
"Is this causing a problem with the team dynamics?"
"No, sir. Daniel is nothing but professional." I have to ask myself again why he hasn't put in a request for a transfer to another SG team. I've had nearly half the team leaders stop by in the last three weeks discretely hinting they would be more than happy to have him transferred permanently to their teams. News of our less than happy relationship had traveled fast throughout the base. "He's never once let his personal feelings interfere with getting the job done." And that's very true. This past year has been hell for Daniel, what with the Machello thing and him being tossed into a padded cell, then having Sha're killed right in front of him, and that Ke'ra mess, and going to Hell and back, literally, and now after all that having me tell him, while looking him directly in the eye, with a straight face and in a cold, unfeeling voice, our friendship has no foundation and never did. "Daniel's not the problem here, sir, I am. And somehow I'll find a way to deal with it."
With a nod of his head, Hammond accepts my explanation and I leave. I just wish I had a clue on how to make things right.
****
After the debriefing, I went to my office going through the reports on P9S-503 making sure everything was there. Naturally, it was, except I noticed Carter forgot to sign off on the naquadah sample analysis. Folder in hand, I stroll to her lab to get her signature. At least Carter talks to me. With her, all is forgiven and forgotten.
"Hey, Carter." I saunter into her lab keeping my hands in my pockets because I know how annoyed she gets when I futze with her doohickeys. I figure I have to be on my best behavior for a few more months before I can start annoying her without repercussions. Forgiveness is great but even I know when not to push the envelope.
"Sir," she greets me, looking up from whatever it is she's working on. "What's up?"
"I was going through the P9S whatever file. You forgot to sign your analysis," I explain holding the paper towards her.
"Oh, sorry, sir," she apologizes. She takes the sheet over to her cluttered desk and searches for a pen. I notice she laid it on top of a thick bound report. Curious, I twist my head trying to see what it is.
"What's that?"
Pen found, Carter signs the analysis and hands it to me. "What, this?" she asks holding up the hefty report. "Well, er, it's the proposal Daniel prepared for the Tollans. The one he never got to present." She sits the thing down with a thud. "I just thought someone should read it. I mean, after all the time and work he put into it..."
"Ah," I say and I flash back to the gate room and the successful end of my little covert operation. So, just to clarify. This whole past week, starting with the appeal we made on Tollana, which I put a lot of work into by the way, I take it that was all a sham? I can clearly hear Daniel's voice and the implications behind his words. "So, did you? Read it?" I ask Carter.
"Yes, sir, I did. It was brilliant. The logic to refute any argument the Tollans could have presented is, well, brilliant. Daniel didn't leave them any leeway."
"Well, he wouldn't, would he."
"No, sir. He wouldn't. Actually, I need to return this and tell him how, well, brilliant, it was."
Suddenly, inspiration. Carter had given me an idea. "I'll do it," I offer holding forth my hand to accept it. "In fact, I think I'll read it." At Carter's astonished look, I quickly continue. "Daniel's a member of my team. I told him to write the damn thing. I could at least read it."
Smiling, Carter hands me the proposal. It's heavy. Probably full of words, lots and lots of words. Big, mulitsyllable words in long sentences. But damn it, I'm going to read every damn one of them no matter how long it takes. I owe it to Daniel.
Well, I was right. It took me a while to read the proposal. I spent a long time planted in one corner of the commissary right next to the coffee machine. I needed several refills of caffeine to keep me focused. As I suspected, the proposal was full of words. Lots of words. But, like Carter said, they were brilliant words. Not that I ever doubted that. Daniel never does anything half-assed. With guilt pangs, I recalled how excited and enthusiastic he was when Hammond and I told him the Tollans wanted to open up negotiations. We practically had to pry Daniel from the briefing room ceiling he was so elated at the news. He snatched hold of the challenge of the negotiation with all the intensity he applies to one of his translations. Hell, if I were the Tollan, he'd have me eating out of his hands after presenting this. When I finally read the last page, I sat back and sighed. If I were the Tollan...
I straighten up. Yeah....
I grabbed the proposal and rushed from the commissary nearly running over SG-8 as they were entering. I had no idea of the time, but Hammond was still in his office. I rapped sharply on the door and he invited me in. I stood before him and plopped the proposal in his line of sight. It thudded loudly on contact.
"Colonel, what's this?"
"That's the proposal Daniel wrote for the Tollan." Hammond looked from it up to me totally bewildered. "Have you read it, sir?"
"No, Colonel, I haven't."
"You should read it, sir. It's brilliant. In fact, I think the Tollan should read it."
"Colonel?" I can see Hammond, bright guy that he is, still doesn't get it.
"In fact, I think the Tollan owe me a favor. You said they wanted to show me their appreciation. Well, now they can. I want the Tollan Curia to read this proposal. Just read it. At the very least they owe Daniel the common courtesy to read it. They don't have to agree with it, don't have to negotiate with us. Just read it and let Daniel know they did. Let him know his efforts were appreciated. I can guarantee it'll make his day, sir."
"I can see you feel strongly about this, Colonel."
"Oh, yes sir. Daniel never seeks recognition for his work. That's not his style. But once in a while an atta boy to know you're appreciated can work wonders. I owe him, General. So do you. We used Daniel, we parlayed his trust in us and his willingness to take on any assignment we give him. He feels betrayed and hurt. And I don't blame him. But acknowledgement from the Tollan for his efforts... Well, least we forget, it was Daniel who put it all on the line when he got the Tollan out of Maybourne's grasp and home. I say they owe him a larger favor than they owe me."
I can see Hammond is seriously considering my arguments. How 'bout that. I may have picked up on some things hanging around Daniel after all.
"Very well, Colonel. I'll have SG-9---"
"Ah, excuse me, sir. But I stongly feel I should be the one to take it to the Tollan. I don't want Daniel to know I did."
Hammond is bewildered by my request, however, he complies. So I'm off, home to don my dress blues once again. I'm not sure what outcome I expect from this. But I would get great satisfaction in seeing the Tollan eating out of Daniel's hand.
****
****
The Stargate activates and the warning klaxon echoes around the base signaling we have an off-world activation. I stand in the briefing room calmly watching the Marines rush in below, weapons drawn and pointed. No need to get excited guys. It's only the Tollan come to parlay with Daniel.
A short time later I stand in Hammond's darkened office, hiding in the shadows as I watch the Tollan representatives, including Chancellor Trevel, take a seat. A beaming Daniel sits across from them joined by Hammond, Carter, Teal'c and Colonel Kovacek. As much as I want to stay and watch the proceedings, I know I have to leave. This is Daniel's show. That's why, at my request, I'm not included in this chatting session. So I leave, slipping out unnoticed via the general's other door.
****
A way long time later, Hammond finds me, slowly nursing my way through a bottle of Scotch while sitting in my pitch black quarters. He comes in after knocking, even though I never invited him, and flips on the light switch. I don't have time to hide the opened and half empty Scotch bottle so I don't even try. He sits, again uninvited, in the chair beside my desk.
"Have another glass, Colonel?"
I pull open the metal desk drawer and take out a second purloined commissary mug and pour a stiff one then refill my own mug.
"Is this good news or bad news, General?"
"Oh, definitely good news, Jack. The Tollan have agreed to share their cultural information, possibly some medical information with us. They are still adamantly refusing to share their advanced technology but have declared we can call on them any time a ship may be needed for transport. It's a start."
I clink my mug with his. "It's a start," I repeat and swallow a good portion of my drink. "Thanks to Daniel." I add pouring more of the Scotch in my mug.
"Yes. The Tollan were most gracious in their praise for his efforts. And hinted stongly they would like Doctor Jackson to be the cultural liaison between our two worlds."
I smile. "I bet Daniel's chomping at the bit to get started. So, I guess I'll be seeing a transfer request crossing my desk soon." I know it's the best thing for Daniel but it still hurts knowing he won't be a member of SG-1 any more.
"Not exactly, Jack. Doctor Jackson told the Tollan he was grateful for the offer and the chance to learn of their culture but explained his first priority is, and always will be, his participation on SG-1."
"Daniel said that?" I asked amazed.
"Yes, he did. So I wouldn't be so quick to let him go. He recommended Colonel Kovacek and SG-9 handle the cultural liaison duties for now. But, sometime in the future, he'd like to go to Tollana." Hammond empties his mug and stands. "Nice blend. Real smooth. I'll pretend I didn't see this bottle this time, Colonel. Not so sure I'll be as lenient the next time."
I understand his message loud and clear and raise my mug to him. "Yes, sir."
"Go home, Jack. You've done all you can."
"Yes, sir."
Hammond leaves. I decide to follow his orders only after I finish off my bottle of Scotch.
****
I somehow managed to drive myself home without killing me or anyone else. I haven't been home more than three hours. I'm sprawled out on my couch feeling the after effects of the Scotch. Despite the reason for drinking nearly the entire bottle, I have a rather pleasant buzz going on. I sigh and close my eyes. I did good today. I got Daniel and the Tollan to make nice. But the brutal fact remains, I've probably lost Daniel. I've lost my best friend and I'll never get him back. Apparently, according to Hammond, he wants to stay on SG-1, though God knows why. I guess I can do that, treat him in a professional way, just like I do to the other members of other SG teams. It'll be damn hard, but I can do it. Some days, I really hate my job especially when it costs me the best friend I ever had.
The doorbell rings. The jangling sounds much too loud and I hear the ringing echoing in my head. I think about ignoring it but decide, at least answering the summons gives me something to do for a few minutes, even if it's telling the visitor to get the hell off my front porch. I rise and weave my way slowly to the entryway and open the door.
Daniel is standing there, two boxes of pizza in his arms, a six pack of my favorite brew sitting on top.
"Hey. Ah, what do you want?" I ask rather abruptly. The moment I say it I recall it's the same greeting I gave him when he came to see me after I was forced to retire.
Daniel stands there a few moments. "I'm not sure exactly," he finally says. Yep he's got the message. De ja vu all over again. He holds forth the pizza boxes and beer. "Feel like sharing?"
"Sharing what?" I answer. Not sure where this is going.
"The pizza. The beer. Talking about our feelings, maybe."
I open the door wider. "Sure," and invite him in.
Daniel walks into the dining room as I close the door. I can sense how tense he is, how unsure he is about being here. Considering how his last visit ended, I don't blame him a bit. But I do give him a hell of a lot of credit for the courage--courage I lack, by the way--it took to come here. While he sets the pizza boxes on the table, I go to the kitchen and get plates, glasses and silverware.
This is the first time I can remember the two of us eating a meal in total, absolute silence. The quietness scares the shit out of me because I'm thinking our friendship may be just as dead and silent. Maybe Daniel's come to tell me our friendship is over and he's changed his mind and wants off SG-1 after all. I have butterflies flittering around in my gut. God, this could be our last meal together. Shit. Well, it's not as if I don't expect it. Still, someone has to take the first step. Since I'm still the colonel here, I decide that someone is me.
"Soo......" I prompt looking directly at Daniel seated across the table.
"So," he echoes. He returns my look without even flinching. The house is so quiet I can hear the faint ticking of the wall clock in the living room.
"So..." I repeat. C'mon Danny, cut me some slack. Either way, just get on with it. "We've shared the beer and we've shared the pizza..." I prompt again.
"That leaves sharing the talking and the feelings," Daniel completes.
I wait for him to continue but he doesn't. Just sits across the table from me, silent, withdrawn, watching.
"Daniel," I say, which translates into "Just come out and say it."
"Jack," he answers which translates into "You're an asshole for forcing me to go first," then he says, "You hurt me, Jack."
There it is. Four little words that say volumes.
"I know, Daniel. I know. If your hurt is anything like the shit I'm feeling right now, believe me, I know. I'm sorry for that, more than I can ever tell you. It was unforgivable. I wanted to take the words back as soon as they left my mouth. I was tearing my heart out when I said...those things to you." God, I'm babbling. And the irony isn't lost on me that we have a reversal of roles here. Usually I'm the one trying to get Daniel to talk, and here he is forcing me to talk about my least favorite subject, my feelings.
"Our friendship has no foundation," Daniel states flatly. The words are cold, just like his voice when he said them.
"Right. I mean, right what I said not right that I want what I said." I'm so damned flustered I stop talking even though I know my mouth is moving. "Oh, hell." I inhale deeply to calm myself. "I never want to see that look of betrayal on your face again, Daniel, especially when it's directed to me." I scrub my hands across my own face then look directly to Daniel once again. "Look, I had to say something. I was protecting you."
"By hurting me you were protecting me." God, he's using the same tone of voice when he was here last. He's not buying it.
"By telling you something so nasty it would get you outta here and keep you outta here. Daniel, what I told you before was true. The house was being watched. It was bugged. I had to get you out and keep you away. Your being here could have made them suspicious. They could have snatched you, hurt you to find out what you knew. Maybe even killed you."
His eyebrows raise at that last. "Aren't you being a little melodramatic?"
"No. I'm serious. Haven't been this serious about anything for a long time. Besides, Hammond was supposed to keep you, Carter and Teal'c at the base. Keep you under wraps and keep you safe until this whole mess was resolved one way or another." I keep my face open and honest. "Please believe me Danny, please."
"Well, you more than anyone, know how well I follow orders," Daniel says, evading nicely whether to tell me he believes me or not.
Don't I know it. He leans forward, resting his folded arms on the table. He's going into what I secretly call his lecture mode.
"Okay. I accept and understand your explanation for what you had to do in this mission and why you had to do it. The secrecy, the lies, your bad behavior. General Hammond was very explicit in explaining the constraints you were forced to operate under. I understand, now, why Sam, Teal'c and myself were excluded. We don't like it but we do understand."
Well, whadda you know. Hammond's talk did some good after all.
"What I don't understand is the military mentality."
I see Daniel's eyes narrow to mere slits behind his glasses.
"SG-1 is a team. We've all said as much over the past three years. We watch each other's backs, we cover and protect each other. And yet, we were not trusted enough to know the truth of what you were doing. Worse yet, we were used. Why?"
"Well, didn't Hammond tell you I was against keeping you kids out of the loop and against using you the way you were. I hated every minute of it."
"Yes. I know that at least was the truth. I also know you could have been killed, Jack, or stranded on some planet without us to cover your back. We'd never know what happened to you and that's unacceptable. If that had happened, the last words we'd have spoken to each other...." he trails off.
"Yeah, that would have been bad," I agree. God, I am never doing this kind of covert ops shit again. Never.
"I don't want to experience something like this again, Jack." Daniel's leaning forward over the table, his blue eyes reflecting his anger very clearly.
"Yeah, I understand," I mutter.
"Good. I can forgive you once, but not twice."
I try to hide my relief but can't. He forgives me. I try to keep my happiness under control, to act the cool colonel. And totally fail. "Okay. No worry there, Danny. I've already decided no more covert ops shit for me. At least not without my kids backing me up. The whole planet can go to hell or I'll retire, again, for real."
"I also accept your apology, Jack."
I'm so damned relieved to hear this I know I show it. "But,"
Oh hell, there's always a but.
"It's going to take some time before our friendship returns to how it was before... this. If it ever does."
There it is. The naked truth. I'm getting off easy and I so know it. And Daniel knows it too. That's why he said it. He's finally willing to give some, to offer the olive branch. So I have to give some in return.
"I understand, Daniel. You are oh so right. It's that trust thing, right?" Daniel nods his head. "Yeah, I heard you told Makepeace you never really trusted my command. Is that true?"
"Yes, I said it," Daniel confesses. Daniel is nothing but honest. "Up until a month ago, it wasn't true. Now...you'll have to earn my trust again, Jack."
"Okay, that's fair. Danny, I know I have to re-earn your trust. But I trust you, I always have, and I always will, to keep me true to myself. Please believe me Daniel, what I said to you after the mission, I consider the foundation of our friendship to be strong, strong enough to get us both beyond this."
Daniel's fingers are tracing some invisible pattern on the tabletop. Finally, his fingers still and he looks at me. "It's damaged, but holding together. It's in need of some major repair work."
"Yeah," I say. "You know, Danny, some days I wonder why you put up with me."
"Some days I ask myself the same question," Daniel volleys. "Usually on the days you're being arrogant, condescending and dense."
"Ahh," I clear my throat. Hard to argue with the truth sometimes. Well, this is my cue for where my groveling begins. "I can't change the past, but I can do a damn sight better in the future. I want you, Carter and Teal'c to be in my future. And short straw or not, Daniel, it did mean a lot to me that you came to see me, offer to help me." I find I can't say anything more. How can I?
Once again, we fall into an uncomfortable silence. I'm thinking Daniel will leave now and I suddenly don't want him to. I don't want to pass the rest of the day alone. I've missed the company of my best friend for the past month. I've missed him and I want him back. I'm just too much of a coward to say so out loud. But I figure, hell, it's worth a try to keep him here a while longer. The repair work to our foundation has to begin sometime, why not now.
"So," I hesitate, then clear my throat, "got any plans for the rest of the day?"
"I have to write my report concerning the Tollan negotiations. General Hammond and the President are waiting for it."
"Ahh, okay," I respond not hiding my disappointment.
"But I can do that on Monday. I've missed you too, Jack."
I brighten at this and smile. There he goes, reading my mind again. Daniel's just told me I'm more important to him than any priority of General Hammond's, or the President even. "I only ask because, the hockey playoffs are on, and I thought--"
"Actually, the History Channel is airing a six part special on the Mysteries of Egypt," Daniel counters.
"I can do the History Channel," I blurt out. Please stay Danny, please stay. Here is where the groveling can begin in earnest. I can see myself being forced to watch and endur the History Channel or the Discovery Channel for the next year. And I'll do it, too, if that's what Daniel wants. "I'll even pay attention. You can quiz me later." I've really opened up myself for it now. God, I am so desperate. But I'm hoping Daniel is getting the message that I'm willing to do anything to get our friendship back to the way it used to be. Just please, don't leave SG-1 or stop being my friend. I see a flicker of Daniel's shy grin come and go. He's gotten the message. I also see a mischievous glint in his blue eyes. Oh, he is going to make me suffer and he's going to take great pleasure in doing it too.
"Oral essay test," he says, standing. Carrying his half-empty beer bottle he walks into the living room.
"Multiple choice?" I counter following him.
"True or false. That's my final offer," Daniel states as he sits in his usual place on the couch. He picks up the TV remote. "That way, you'll have a fifty-fifty chance of being right."
I'm about to say some smart assed thing, but Daniel is smiling at me. God, I've missed that. I flop into my chair and smile back at him.
"Speaking of the Tollan," Daniel says, his attention focused on clicking through the channels, "I haven't been able to discover how my written proposal--the only one by the way--found it's way from my lab into Chancellor Trevel's hands. She wouldn't explain. The last time I saw it, it was in Sam's lab." He's looking expectantly at me.
"I, ah,...well,....um," I fumble.
Daniel smiles again. I see his gaze is directed toward my dress uniform still hanging by the front door. Ooops. He knows.
"Thanks, Jack."
I think about declaring my innocence but decide, I've lied enough to my friend this past month. Repair work. I can do that. "You're welcome, Daniel."
The TV screen stills on the History Channel. Daniel lounges into the couch, feet up, resting on the coffee table. He is loving this I can tell.
"You'd better take notes. I'll be ruthless," he warns me.
"Just bring it on, Doctor Jackson," I drawl in challenge. He's got that glint in his blue eyes again.
He is oh so going to make me pay. But that's okay. I have my best friend back and I'll do anything to keep him. And I have all of my kids back. In a way, I think our bonds may be stronger. I can't think of anything even coming close to this in threatening the unity of SG-1 again.
Now, what was it that narrator just said, er was that Khufu spelled with a K or a Q? True or False? I am so screwed.
Feedback appreciated; please be firm but kind.
© June 13, 2001 The characters mentioned in this story are the property of Showtime and Gekko Film Corp. The Stargate, SG-I, the Goa'uld and all other characters who have appeared in the series STARGATE SG-1 together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of MGM-UA Worldwide Television, Gekko Film Corp, Glassner/Wright Double Secret Productions and Stargate SG-I Prod. Ltd. Partnership. This fanfic is not intended as an infringement upon those rights and solely meant for entertainment. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author.