I walked through the halls towards the infirmary, George and Jack had both been talking to me, but I blew past them. I knew what they wanted to tell me, and I wasn’t having it. I had to get to my little girl….
My little girl, it’s amazing, after thirty-six years of watching her grow, learn, and experience I still can’t stop seeing her as the sweet little girl…the blonde haired girl with big bright blue eyes that were instantly dimmed when I had to tell her about the death of her mother.
Thos eyes were my miracle, the one thing that had kept me alive during some of the worst times of my life, the eyes that had felt betrayed when I had kept my cancer from her.
I rushed into the infirmary, where Dr. Frasier was standing over my daughter’s bed. She was white, almost as ashen as the sheet she lay against; she was hooked up to a respirator, breathing life into her.
"Jacob…" I paid no heed to Frasier, I moved past her and to my daughter’s side. As I stood there, towering above the seemingly small girl, I realized how fragile she could be, and yet how strong she truly was. Reaching out with the utmost tenderness I grasped her thin, pale, limp hand and lifted it to my cheek, praying some of my energy could be transferred to her. I never heard Jack usher Janet out of the room, suddenly the only real thing in the world to me was the beautiful young girl lying all to still in a bed she shouldn’t be in.
"I’m here now…" I whispered, those words had never been more true, I can think of all the moments in my little girl’s life when I wasn’t there. The plays, the dance recitals, the piano recitals, her graduation from the Air Force academy…that was a day that would forever live through my worst nightmares.
She was headstrong, stubborn to the core, just like her mother, and yet so often my wife had told me that Samantha was just like me. As I looked down at her I realized how right my late wife was. Damn the child for wanting to "one of the guys". After the death of my wife I was left to raise a fourteen year old girl I knew nothing about, I hadn’t been around to be a father, I didn’t know what being a father really was. So I raised her like I raised my son. To be just another one of the guys…so why did it surprise me so much now that she was here.
She was so smart, I had urged her to do anything, anything she wanted, her main goal had been to become an astronaut, so when she joined the Air Force Academy, I hadn’t been angry. In fact thrilled would have been a better word, my little girl was following in my footsteps. Then she virtually disappeared for a year, I didn’t speak to her, talk to her, I never saw her. The emptiness I felt in my life that year had been the most wretched and hardest times I ever went through. Finding out I was dying of cancer, and being alone.
Then she finally told me what it was…they were really doing. I had never been so angry in all my life, she had lied to me, she had denied all my questions, and most of all she was placing herself in danger every day. I was proud, angry and frustrated all at once.
My little girl was anything but little, anything but weak, she was the strongest woman, other than her mother I had ever met. I looked down at her face and reached out, touching the cheek gently, so soft…just like when she was little.
My mind wandered back to when she was a tiny child, a memory I had long forgotten, there were so many. I had never been a good father….
1972
The girl was tiny, she always had been a little small for her age, but she was seven now and her size wasn’t about to stop her from doing anything. I had been a terrible father in many ways. I was sitting in the den, working on some top secret mission, when a tug came at my sleeve. I looked down and grinned at the small head of hair and big blue eyes looking up at me.
"What’s wrong Sammy?" I asked her gently. Sammy was as far as I had ever truly gotten with sentimentality.
"My tummy hurts, will you read me a story?" leave it to my daughter, every time she was sick, since infancy she had always wanted to be in my arms and read to. I couldn’t imagine why, I was such a cold person, yet this little girl was drawn to me like a fly to the paper.
"I don’t have time right now Sam," I replied, looking away from those baby blues that would tear up and break me down.
"Daddy," she whimpered in a teary voice.
"Samantha…I said no, don’t turn on the tears now," I stated coldly. The tears instantly disappeared. Sam had been taught that General’s daughter’s didn’t cry and she wasn’t about to lower such a standard and make her daddy look bad. Instead she turned around and hurried from the room.
It was two days later when I had come to regret not only telling the child no but yelling at her for crying. Two days later my wife called me from home…my daughter was in the hospital with pneumonia, and the doctors weren’t holding out a lot of hope for her.
I had rushed to the hospital, my dear friend George Hammond at my side, my son…eleven at the time was still at school, so my wife had been waiting alone. I instantly grabbed her in a hug, holding her as she cried into my shoulder.
"Where is she Liz?" I asked her ever so gently.
"Room 134," I nodded and looked over at George.
"I’ll stay here Jake," nodding I hurried off into the room, bursting in I was stunned at the sight of the beautiful little girl. The air left my chest like I had been kicked in the ribs.
"Oh Sammy…" I whimpered as she moved closer. The tiny eyelids slowly opened at the sound of the voice and looked up at me. God it hurt to see her like this, to see her so weak, so little against the big bed and the big cruel world.
"Daddy…?" She whimpered. I smiled and smoothed the hair away from her sweaty face.
"I’m here sweetie, how ya feeling?" I asked gently and calmly, calmer than I was feeling. I wanted to throw up, cry, scream…anything I could do to tell God, and the world how angry I really was.
"Tired…daddy will you read to me now?" she asked me in a small voice.
"Oh sweetheart…" I smiled weakly and lifted the girl into my arms, being wary of the tubes, and lines coming out of her arms. I sat atop the stiff bed, and cuddled her closer into my arms, kissing her on the temple.
"Sing daddy…" she whimpered quietly. I nodded, afraid this moment would be the last I would ever have with my girl. I quickly…
"Imagine there's no heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today
Imagine there's no countries,
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace
You...you may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope some day you'll join us
And the world will be as one
Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world
You...you may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope some day you'll join us
And the world will live as one…" I finished, just barely as I held her close, hugging and holding her as tightly as I could. For once I was going to let my little girl know…I was here and that she was just that, my little girl, "I love you," I whispered. She looked up at me weakly and nodded.
"Love you too," she murmured in response.
Present…
She had been a tough little cookie, she had stuck it out for three days, until the doctors had announced she would be fine. Life had gone back to normal, and unfortunately we began to drift apart after many years, but she was still my little girl.
"Sammy, dad’s here, I don’t know if you can hear me sweetheart, but…it’s not your time honey. Not nearly your time…you have so much to live for Sam, you have so many people who love you and care about you. I’ve been waiting for my grandchildren…I know you care for a certain Colonel very dearly…Sam, don’t let anything stop a long you feel for another."
I paused and sighed, "I should have been there more Sam, should have done more and I should have been a better father…" I closed my eyes for a moment and smiled at the thought of Jack…and my daughter’s friends.
Sam had told me so much about Jack, Daniel and Teal’c…of course then it had been Murray. I knew Sam saw Teal’c and Daniel as brothers, much like she adored her big brother Mark, she adored these two men. They had become a constant in her life and made her life just a little more tolerable. Then there was Jack…the biggest loud mouth, smartass of them all, and yet I saw the way my daughter looked at him, spoke to him.
She loved him, much the same way I had loved my Elizabeth, for obvious reason they hadn’t ever gotten together, but prayed for my daughter’s sake one day they would move past the ranks and settle into a loving relationship. As much as Jack O’Neill drove me insane, I would want no other man to love my daughter, I would trust no other. Jack was a man of stature, and undying faith and love. He could provide for my daughter in more ways than one.
"Sam, I am so proud of you, so very proud of you. You have become such an amazing woman, an amazing warrior and you are the best daughter a man could ever ask for," I whispered. Moving forward I lifted my daughter into my arms, like I had thirty years ago and pulled her close, similar to how she had held me a few years ago in hell.
"I’m here Samantha," he whispered, "and I’ll read to you and sing to you whenever you need. I’m sorry I haven’t always been there, and I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to figure this out, but I hope you’ll forgive me and give me another chance to be the father you’ve always wanted and looked for.
"’gave you years ‘go," came the murmur. I looked down and smiled with happiness at the sight of her big blue eyes.
"Hey beautiful," I whispered as I ran my hand through her blond hair.
"Love you daddy," she whispered snuggling further into my arms. I sighed in contentment and nodded.
"I love you so much honey, you just hang in there, you’ll be fine," I replied as I held her. She would live, she would survive, she was a born survivor, made to live on. She would continue this way for years. She was strong, powerful and capable of anything, those were only a few reason why I loved her so much.
For once I had been there for my daughter, I had been there for her when she needed me. I had held her when she needed a dad to hold her and love her. I pressed a kiss to her temple again and sighed.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: I got the idea from watching the Music Video in My daughter’s eyes, and decided to write it, so I suppose a thank you to the creator of the video.
© December 2004 Don’t own ‘em, but wish I could, just barrowed them.