"The most outrageous lies that can be invented will find
believers if a man only tells them with all his might." Mark Twain
* * * * *
"Jack, if you don’t, you’re going to offend them."
"Well, this is just . . . stupid. Not to mention embarrassing."
"Not to them."
"Daniel," Jack, looking and sounding exasperated, refused to meet his friend’s eyes, "I can’t do this."
Daniel edged closer to Jack, lowering his voice. "You can do this. You know as well as I do that we can’t afford to make these people mad. We’re lucky they didn’t kill us. Even now, they’re barely tolerating us."
"But, are you even sure that’s what he said? You’ve been wrong before, you know."
"I’m positive."
"This is too weird. And did I mention embarrassing?" Jack scrubbed a hand over his face. "He said his wife. You’re positive?"
"Yes. His wife. And it’s not all that weird. I mean, not in a lot of cultures."
"Well, it is where I come from. And why me, for crying out loud?"
"It’s obvious, Jack. Because you’re the leader." Daniel hugged his arms to his chest, chewing on his lower lip and watching Jack, who paced from one side of the small tent to the other. Thankfully, Carter and Teal’c had been escorted to another tent across the small compound. Daniel, as the interpreter, would be the only other person besides the participants themselves allowed to be present during the ceremony. "You know, if you think about it, you really should consider it an honor."
Jack stopped his pacing and glared over at Daniel. "An honor? An honor? Are you kidding me? Besides the fact that it’s just freakin’ weird and perverted, she could be an old cow for all I know. Geesh, Daniel. I mean, what if she’s, I don’t know, old enough to be my mother or she looks like Teal’c or something?"
"Uh," still facing Jack, Daniel’s eyes went wide, "I don’t . . . I don’t think that’s going to be a problem, Jack."
"Huh?"
Daniel nodded towards something past Jack’s shoulder. Jack glanced behind him, then back at Daniel. "Oh, crap. Daniel . . . I’m screwed."
Daniel couldn’t help the small chuckle that escaped. "Quite literally."
"Very funny." Jack swallowed loudly.
"Jack, don’t you think you should say ‘hi’ or something?"
His eyes locked on Daniel’s, Jack pleaded, "Do I have to?"
"Um, well, you probably should. Uh-oh."
"What?" Jack looked terrified, more scared than if a mother-ship full of Jaffa had just landed in the courtyard.
"She’s coming."
Jack arched his eyebrows. "So soon?" he deadpanned.
"Ha, ha. Hello," Daniel smiled and nodded at the young woman who had entered the tent and was walking over to stand near the two men. He repeated the greeting in her own language. "This is Colonel Jack O’Neill. Our leader." He motioned to Jack, who had his eyes squeezed closed. "Uh, Jack, aren’t you going to look at her?"
"Nope."
"You can’t just stand there with your eyes closed."
"Why not?"
"Oh, I don’t know. How about, it’s rude."
Jack looked at him, glanced at her and back at Daniel. "Dammit, Daniel, she’s gorgeous."
Daniel smiled. "Well, aren’t you a little . . . relieved?"
"Relieved? Not really. At least if she’d been an old hag–"
Without a sound, the woman slipped out of her dress, the silky material settling around her feet. Both men gasped, staring despite their best intentions. When the woman smiled up at Jack, he shut his eyes again.
"Daniel," his voice was a strained whisper, "please tell her to get dressed."
Still staring at the woman’s beautiful, nude, extremely naked body, Daniel cleared his throat. "Uh, I can’t . . . I don’t think I should do that. If you refuse, Jack, they could . . .," he tore his eyes away from her and looked at his friend, whose eyes were still closed, "things could go very badly for us."
"Well, if she doesn’t get dressed, things could go . . . badlier."
As Daniel watched, the woman moved closer to Jack. Before he could warn his friend, the woman reached out and touched Jack on the arm. He flinched and his eyes shot open. The woman smiled shyly.
Jack forced a tight smile. "Howdy, ma’am. Nice to . . . um, see you. Hear you’ve got a husband in these parts who just loves to scare the dickens out of visitors from other planets."
The woman nodded and spoke softly.
"What? What is she saying?"
Daniel blushed. "She said . . . well, I really don’t think you want to know what she said, Jack. Suffice to say, she takes her duties as hostess very seriously and . . . I think she likes you."
"Oh, crap."
Slowly, cautiously, as if she were extending a hand to an untamed beast, the woman moved her hand from Jack’s arm, reaching for his waistband.
"No!" Jack took a quick, involuntary step back.
The woman frowned.
"Jack?"
"Daniel, tell her . . . tell her me and Carter are a couple."
"What? Jack, I don’t think that’s going to help matters much. Apparently, these folks aren’t really into the whole monogamy scene. Besides, what if they want a trade in kind? You know . . . Carter with the Chief."
"Damn! Okay," Jack took another step back as the woman stepped closer, "tell her you and I are a couple."
Daniel laughed. "Excuse me?"
"Fine. Teal’c. Anybody. Really, come on, Daniel. You’re supposed to be a fucking linguist, talk to her!"
"I don’t think talking is what she has in mind, Jack."
Jack groaned as his back brushed the side of the tent. He was trapped. Still trying not to look at the woman advancing towards him, he held one hand in front of his eyes and one in front of his fly, and looked over at Daniel. "I know, tell her it’s broken."
"Broken?"
"Yeah," Jack vigorously nodded his head. "Yeah, tell it doesn’t work. It got busted in the war when I got shot."
"You got shot."
The woman stood directly in front of Jack and was attempting to untuck his shirt while Jack tried to push her hands away without actually touching her. "Daniel, consider it an order."
Daniel sighed and spoke to the woman. She frowned up at Jack, but stopped trying to undress him.
Jack nodded and looked her in the eye, directly in the eye and nowhere else, not even. . . . "That’s right. I got shot there and it hurt." Jack’s gaze moved down the woman’s body. She really was quite attractive. Feeling a surge of . . . interest, he glued his eyes back on her face and smiled politely. "It hurt a lot. Still does, actually."
Frowning, the woman looked down at Jack’s fly. He silently cursed as he felt a rush of blood just because she was looking. The woman smiled seductively up at him.
He covered his crotch with his hand. "Ow. See, that hurts." The woman’s smile grew, not unlike other things within the confines of the stuffy tent. "Daniel, tell her if I use it I could die." Jack glanced over to find Daniel hiding a smile behind his hand. "If you laugh, I swear I’ll shoot you dead."
Daniel cleared his throat and spoke again, at length. Finally, the woman looked at Daniel, obviously asking a question. Daniel nodded and said something in response.
"What? What’s going on?"
"Actually, Jack, believe it or not, I think she’s falling for it."
"Really? Well, that’s . . . that’s good. Right?"
Daniel looked at him, forcing back laughter. "That is what you wanted. Isn’t it?"
"Well, yeah." Jack looked at the profile of the naked woman in front of him. "Yeah. Sure it is. I mean, we can’t go around," he waved a hand towards the Chief’s young wife, "you know."
"Eating cake?"
Jack frowned. "Very funny. Now, is Chiefy going to be pissed or will we be allowed to leave with our virtue and everything else intact?"
"I think we’re safe for the moment."
As the woman crossed the tent, pulled on her dress and left without a word, Jack sighed and pressed a hand to his suddenly queasy stomach.
* * * * *
The wormhole opened and Carter sent the Iris code, looking back at her teammates.
"Sir, I’m still not sure I understand what happened back there. I mean, first I thought they were going to kill us, then I thought they were going to hold us captive, and then suddenly, we’re free to go."
"Yeah, well," Jack shoved his sunglasses further up on his nose, "they’re aliens, Carter. Go figure."
"Actually, Sam, it was all on account of Jack."
"Really?"
"Yeah, turns out he’s quite the negotiator."
Jack frowned. "Daniel, don’t you think you should shut up?"
"What’d you do, Colonel?"
When Jack didn’t respond, Daniel smiled and glanced over at Carter. "It was simple. Jack just threatened to shoot the Chief’s wife."
Teal’c frowned and cocked an eyebrow; Sam looked shocked.
"You threatened to shoot her?"
Jack refused to look at them. "I wouldn’t have hurt her."
"I don’t know, Jack, from what I could see, the situation looked pretty dangerous. A big gun, fully cocked and ready to go off at a single touch."
Jack blushed as Daniel laughed. "Dammit, Daniel, just . . . go. That’s an order."
Daniel climbed the steps to the Gate, then stopped and looked back. "Oh, Jack, you should probably see someone about that old war injury. If that thing ever blows, it could kill somebody."
<fin>
Author’s Note: Nothing I can say will make this story something it isn’t.
© February 2005 Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story is for entertainment purposes only, and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the authors. This story may not be posted elsewhere without the consent of the authors.