(SG-1 arrives through the Stargate into a deserted castle-like building. There is a blinking neon sign on one wall that reads THIS WAY PLEASE, with an arrow pointing to the left)
Jack: All right, now what?
Daniel: Well, judging from that sign there –
Sam: According to my readings, the highest concentration of lifeforms and technology is less than one click away. I did some calculations before we left the base, and they indicated a source of technology close to the Stargate comprised of gas contained by some sort of transparent material and powered by a conventional electrical current.
(Teal’c raises an eyebrow)
Jack: (scrambling for his dictionary) Waitasec, let me look up some of that… okay, ‘according’… is that one c or two? Never mind, here it is…
Daniel (pointing): Actually, I think if you look at the sign there –
Sam: Additionally, my nifty gadget thingy here indicates that the life forms may be moving in our direction. It’s entirely possible that our arrival has triggered some sort of security measure that has alerted the inhabitant of this planet to our presence. Sir, think of the possibilities!
(Teal’c raises the other eyebrow)
Jack: Now, ‘readings’…. ‘r’… does that come before or after ‘t’? (he tosses the dictionary away. It clobbers Daniel on the back of the head) Never mind. Carter, in words of one syllable or less, which way?
Daniel (rubbing his head): Ow… I think I have a concussion…
Sam: Apparently –
Jack: Ah! Four syllables!
(Daniel wanders away and starts inspecting the neon sign. There is a small explosion and he is thrown across the room)
Sam: Probably –
Jack: Three. Getting there, Carter.
Daniel: Um, guys, I think I just gave myself a heart attack…
Sam: I think… (she stops, waiting for Jack to interrupt her)
Jack: …Yes?
Sam (beams at him): We should go right!
Daniel: I’m seeing triple, too. I’m guessing that’s not good.
Jack: Okay, right it is. Come on, let’s go!
Daniel: Is it normal for my heart to be skipping every third beat?
(Teal’c hauls him to his feet and they start for the right-hand doorway)
Daniel: Why are we going this way?
Jack: Carter said to go right.
Daniel: The sign says to go the other way.
Jack: Carter said to go right.
Daniel: Sam, why do you want to go right?
Sam: My nifty gadget thingy says there are life forms to the left.
Daniel: Don’t we want to meet the life forms? You know, allies, knowledge, that kind of thing?
Jack: No. Duh!
Daniel: Come on, Teal’c – help me out here.
Teal’c: Indeed.
Jack: Right it is!
(Before they can proceed out of the room, four aliens appear from the left. They look human and dress like rejects from the Salvation Army’s bargain bin)
Alien 1: Greetings.
Daniel: Hi! We’re peaceful explorers from -
(Jack shoots the alien. The bullet ricochets and hits Daniel)
Alien 2: Hey! Uncool, dude!
Jack (looking sheepish): Sorry. Reflex.
Daniel: Jack, you shot me!
Jack: That alien looked at me funny! And what the hell does ‘greetings’ mean, anyway?
Alien 3 (leering at Sam): Hey, you’re kinda hot. You wanna see my technology?
Sam: Sure!
(Alien 3 spontaneously combusts)
Sam: Drat.
Alien 2: Dude. You guys are hazardous, man.
Daniel: I think you hit an artery, Jack.
Jack: Whatever. Hey, you got any technology we can have?
Alien 4: I don’t know, you look pretty old to me.
Jack: I’m not old!
Sam: And aren’t you supposed to refuse us technology because we’re too young?
Alien 4: That’s discrimination. We reserve the right to refuse to anyone.
Daniel: Definitely arterial bleeding there. Oh, I’m feeling a little dizzy… (he passes out)
Sam: But I technobabble! I technobabble like no superior race ever has! That’s not fair! I want to play with the technology!
Alien 2 (to Teal’c): You the strong silent type, or what?
(Teal’c raises an eyebrow)
Alien 2: No way!
(Teal’c raises the other eyebrow)
Alien 2: Get out!
(Teal’c takes a pair of finger cymbals out of his pack and does an interpretive dance)
Alien 2: Whoa. Dude.
Alien 4 (looking at Daniel): Your friend doesn’t look so good.
Sam: Oh, he’ll be fine. What about the technology?
Alien 4: Well, I don’t know…
(Sam bats her eyes)
Alien 4: Oh, all right. You can have this. (he hands Sam a doohicky)
Jack: What’s it do?
Sam: Oh, wow! It must transpose the quark photon lepton transmuting transmogrifier into subatomic subatoms while continuously maintaining a strict deuterium helium plutonium ratio!
Jack (turning to Alien 4): So… what’s it do?
Alien 4: Hell if I know. Hey, you sure your friend is okay? He looks kinda dead to me.
Alien 2: Not to mention he’s totally bleeding all over our floor.
Jack: Oh, yeah, he’ll be fine. Teal’c, hit his reset, willya?
(Teal’c leans over and flips a light switch bolted to the back of Daniel’s neck. Daniel glows white and tentacloid for a moment, then sits up)
Daniel: Ow.
Jack: See? He’s fine. Not even dented.
Daniel: Actually –
Jack: Shut up, kid.
Sam: And the neutrinos! Look at the neutrinos!
Jack (rubbing hands together): Well, I think that’s a wrap. Thanks, guys!
Daniel (getting up): That’s it?
Jack: What else do you want?
Daniel: We don’t know anything about their culture.
Alien 4: That’s okay. We really don’t want you to.
Daniel: Why not?
Alien 2: ‘Cause you’ll totally screw it up, dude. Scram.
Daniel: Oh.
Sam: I wonder what would happen if I accelerated the particles and applied it to the commissary food?
Daniel: I’m not sure that would be the best idea.
Sam: Why not?
Daniel: Because they’re serving meatloaf today and we don’t know how that thing will react to an alien life form.
Sam: Oooh. Good point.
Jack: Okay, kids, let’s go.
Alien 4: Bye!
Alien 2: Try not to blow anything up!
Sam: I wonder what this button does?
(a beam of light comes out the end of the device and hits Daniel. He turns blue and begins growing fur)
Sam: …oops!
Teal’c: Oh, my stars and garters!
The End
AUTHOR'S NOTE: For Barb, who has the flu.
© February 2004 Sadly, the characters mentioned in this story are the property of Showtime and Gekko Film Corp. The Stargate, SG-1, the Goa'uld and all other characters who have appeared in the series STARGATE SG-1 together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of MGM-UA Worldwide Television, Gekko Film Corp, Glassner/Wright Double Secret Productions and Stargate SG-1 Prod. Ltd. Partnership. This fanfic is not intended as an infringement upon those rights and solely meant for entertainment. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author. An Unas once bit my sister.