Chapter 14

"Janet, how much longer do I have to stay like this? And why are we doing this anyway?" Daniel was irritated and restless. His body was pushed to the limits that day, undergoing numerous blood tests and more X-rays, but this particular one just took the cake. The other day, he was given an injection of Gallium and now he was being scanned for 'hot spots' as Dr. Fraiser liked to call them. This procedure required him to sit perfectly still, with his arms back over his head while a machine buzzed around him. The procedure was supposed to last an hour and a half! There was no way in hell he could stay like this for an hour and half! His arms already felt like they weighed a thousand pounds.

"Daniel, I already told you. The Gallium scan is used to identify which lymph node areas are involved. The Gallium is absorbed by your white blood cells in the abnormal lymph nodes. The involved nodes are then identified by scanning procedures." Janet's voice could be heard through the speaker. Daniel rolled his eyes at her. He hated talking to the walls but at this point, it was the least of his problems.

Janet sighed as she looked at Daniel through the glass window high above him. This would be a long day for the both of them! She rubbed at her tired neck. There were still a number of tests and examinations that had to be done. The frustrating part was that Daniel had not even reached the half way point and yet he was already complaining like a little child. If she didn't do something now, he wouldn't have any energy left for the rest of the day. And frankly, she was also sick of his complaining! To alleviate this problem, Janet decided that she would do the talking for now. She pressed down on the button in front of her and began to speak.

"Since we still have another forty five minutes, I'm going to start explaining to you a little more about the cancer and chemo treatments."

"Forty-five minutes? Are you trying to kill me?" Boy, Daniel was starting to sound more and more like the colonel!

"Just calm you nerves... I'll be down there in a second." Janet said as she backed away from the microphone and left Daniel's field of vision.

"Gee... that's one second down... I wonder how many thousands are left," Daniel muttered to himself.

"I heard that, Daniel!" Janet entered the tiny room. "Stop concentrating on the time and listen to what I have to say!" Janet placed her hands upon her hips and leaned against the wall in the far corner. "Your lymphoma is classified as stage 2. This means that you have two enlarged lymph nodes. This is very good news since stage 2 is easier to treat than stages 3 and 4. You also don't suffer from any type B symptoms such as weight loss or night sweats, which is more good news.

"Doctors have classified the Hodgkin's disease into 4 distinct pathological groups depending on the cellular structure of the tissue. Upon reviewing your biopsy results, it has been determined that your case is in the Nodular Sclerosis group. This group accounts for approximately 50% of all cases and is associated with a good prognosis." Janet was glad to see that she had distracted Daniel's mind long enough to make him forget about the time. "Now I want to discuss the chemotherapy with you." This time, Janet took a seat. "I am going to treat you with ABVD."

What's that?"

"It's a type of chemotherapy treatment. ABVD is made up of 4 different drugs. Three are given by an IV push and one is given by a drip. The first one is called Adriamycin. One of its side effects is that it will lower your blood count for the first two weeks of treatment. Because your blood count will be low, your immunity will decline making you more susceptible to such things as colds and flus so we'll have to keep you away from that type of environment. We will also have to constantly check for signs of anemia, which is something that may develop during the chemo treatments. Furthermore, Adriamycin may cause cardiomyopathy, a weakening of the heart muscle. That's why we made sure to have your heart tested this morning when we put you through the gated blood pool scan. Other side effects from this drug include hair loss, nausea and vomiting. Don't worry about the nausea Daniel, I'll prescribe you something for it before we start the treatment.

"The second drug is called Bleomycin. This medication also causes low blood count. Moreover, you may experience itchiness and skin rashes throughout the treatment. The Bleomycin may cause mouth ulcers of varying degrees. You're going to have to maintain strict oral hygiene."

"Hey, are you insinuating that I have bad breath?" Daniel looked genuinely hurt by the comment. Janet smiled at him and then continued.

"The third drug to be administered is Vindesine. Its effects are similar to the ones already mentioned: lowering of the blood count, nausea, vomiting, loss of hair... It may also give you the feeling of 'pins and needles' at the tip of your toes and fingers.

"And finally, the last one is called Dacarbazine. This drug may affect your liver, particularly if given on a daily basis. However, liver function will eventually resolve back to normal within two weeks." Janet searched Daniel's face for some sort of a reaction. She knew that all this was hard to take in all at once but it had to be said. Upon observing him, she noted that all the color from his face had vanished. He was completely white.

"Look Daniel, I don't want to alarm you. It sounds worse than it really is. I told you all this because I want to prepare you. I want to inform you on everything so that you won't be surprised at any time during this treatment." Daniel nodded his head in understanding. After a few moments of silence, Janet glanced at her watch. "There's forty minutes left and then we have to prep you for the CT scan and the bone marrow biopsy. I'm just going to check up on the equipment and make sure everything is in place...Are you going to be all right?" Daniel nodded his head. "Okay, I'll be right back."

Daniel waited until Janet left his field of vision before he let out a gasp. To his dismay, his heart was pounding uncontrollably. He could feel its intense palpitations within his chest, each powerful beat echoing in his ears. Daniel closed his eyes in the attempt to calm his tense nerves. The lump in his throat was causing his breaths to come in heavy gasps. He knew that Janet was trying to help him but the bluntness in her words was not easing his mind. Liver dysfunction? Heart problems? Oh G-d! 'Jackson, keep your emotions in check!' Daniel scolded himself. He couldn't break down now! He hadn't even started the treatment yet! He looked around him... at the white room, at the large machines, the metal tables... and for the first time it really truly hit him.

He had cancer!

Chapter 15

"Do you feel this?" Janet asked as she pressed on Daniel's hipbone with two fingers. Daniel waited to feel a sensation of some sort.

"No," he responded truthfully.

"Good. Then we're going to start with the procedure soon. I'm just going to clean your skin a little before we begin." Janet moved away from Daniel and reached for something that he couldn't quite make out. Sam squeezed his shoulder in a comforting gesture. Janet had promised Daniel that Sam would be allowed to stay with him throughout the bone marrow biopsy since it was only supposed to last fifteen to twenty minutes.

Daniel was put under the local anaesthetic Xylocaine after being given several muscle relaxants. As a result, he couldn't feel the left side of his waist, which also meant that he couldn't really feel the rough material of the towel that was covering his buttocks either.

Daniel shifted his position at the uncomfortable thought of having his butt nearly exposed to both of his friends.

"Daniel, you have to stay on your stomach! You can't move." Janet's voice sounded from somewhere behind him. Daniel found this rather frustrating. He didn't like the fact that he couldn't see what Janet was doing. "There, now you're set." He could see out of the corner of his eye that Janet had thrown out what looked like alcohol wipes. 'Funny,' he thought. He hadn't even felt her apply it onto his hip. This fact comforted him slightly. The last thing he needed today was to feel any degree of pain. The only other comforting thought was that Sam was going to be there with him throughout the entire procedure. She was also practically the only thing his restricting position would allow him to see.

As though she could hear his thoughts, Sam knelt down so that she could be at eye level with Daniel, always keeping close contact with his arm. "Okay, Daniel, I'm going to insert the needle now. I want you to take a very deep breath and hold it," Janet said while Daniel closed his eyes and took a massive breath. It was funny how the calm he had felt not more than an hour ago was quickly dissipating. The silence was thickening in the overly spacious room. The only distraction was the racing of his heart. He squeezed his eyes shut even tighter, waiting for the slightest sign of pain... or pressure or... whatever he was supposed to feel during one of these biopsies. Instead, he heard the sound of quiet giggling from behind him.

"What?" he asked, annoyed with the sudden change in atmosphere. Daniel turned his neck as far as his muscles would allow him in order to glare at the petite doctor. He waited a few moments until her sudden attack of laughter finally ceased.

"It's just that..." Janet began to chuckle again but thankfully, this time she had enough self control to stop herself." You're... um... you're nervous aren't you?" The grin on her face even got a giggle out of Sam.

"Why?"

"Because, you seem a little... tense." Janet pointed her head towards the towel that was currently covering his behind. Daniel's face suddenly grew hot with embarrassment. Janet's giggling continued and soon Sam joined in as well. "It's okay, Daniel. You can stop clenching now!" It took about a minute until both women regained their composure.

"I'm sorry Daniel," Sam began and then cleared her throat. "Maybe we should start, Janet."

"Yes Janet... maybe we should start." Daniel mumbled with displeasure.

"Okay Daniel, take another deep breath. I'm going to count to three before inserting the needle." Daniel breathed in deeply and waited for Janet's cue. "One... two... three..." The sudden puncture of the large needle through his skin caused Daniel to tense slightly. He could only feel a small tinge of pain. It was actually a funny sensation. He could feel the tip of the thick needle within him. He could also feel the needle getting pushed further and further inside. The 'twinge' of pain was increasing in magnitude as more and more of the needle disappeared. His grip tightened around Sam's hand. Although uncomfortable, the pain was still bearable.

Janet was going very slowly, taking her time so as not to make a mistake. He closed his eyes and concentrated on his breathing and Sam's comforting touch. Her hand was slowly stroking the length of his arm, much as a mother would do to soothe her child.

"Okay, Daniel, the needle is completely inserted. Now I'm going to puncture your hipbone and remove a small piece of the bone while the cells from the marrow will be aspirated. This is going to hurt a little, even with the anaesthetic. Get ready..." Janet slowly began to push harder. Daniel could actually feel the tip of the needle grazing his bone. He gritted his teeth as the sensation became increasingly painful. Upon hitting the hard surface of the bone, Janet took a deep breath before she pressed even harder on the needle in order to puncture a small hole.

At the sudden increase in pressure, Daniel's eyes flew open in a panic. The pain had caught him by surprise. It was beyond anything he was expecting. The flaring in his side caused him to clench his teeth even harder. It was getting worse! He grasped at the material of Sam's shirt, trying everything in his power to hold in the scream that was threatening to escape. Sam's grip on him became stronger as well. It suddenly felt as if a knife was chipping away at his hip, over and over again.

Janet continued to apply pressure, unsatisfied that the needle was not entering into the bone. Daniel's throat clamped up on him and his breaths were coming in short heaves. Why was it hurting so much? A strangled noise forced its way out of his mouth. He could feel millions of electric sparks around the area of the puncture. Perspiration began to settle across his brow. He gasped aloud as a new flare of pain caused his entire body to shudder.

"Janet... Janet, stop!" Daniel managed to whisper in strangled breaths. Janet couldn't hear his silent plea. In frustration, she pressed harder on the needle this time satisfied to feel the tip enter into the bone. The pain suddenly became excruciating. Daniel, no longer able to hold it in, began to scream.

"Janet... Oh G-d! Oh G-d! Janet! Stop!" He buried his face into the pillow underneath him as he tried to contain the pain that he felt. Sam looked up at Janet; her face was pale with concern. Janet stopped her ministrations. Daniel's screaming died down as the pressure slowly ebbed away. He was still gasping in pain when he managed to finally get his mouth working again. "Janet... you have to stop... Oh G-d... it hurts too much!" Daniel's head was rolling from side to side as his hand gripped tighter onto Sam's shirt. Sam took Daniel's other hand into her own.

"Listen to me Daniel. We have to finish this." Although Janet's voice was sympathetic, Daniel continued to loll his head back and forth in protest. His eyes began to tear and his voice lowered to a whisper. "I can't do it Janet! I can't..."

"Daniel, the needle is half way inside. I just have to push it in a little further and then aspirate the cells. I know that it hurts but you can do this, Daniel! I know you can! Now again, on the count of three... One... two... three..."

Daniel tried to object but it was too late. The needle was thrust deeper into his flesh. The pain was agonizing! Daniel's limbs began to twitch uncontrollably as the pain turned into pure agony. When the pressure grew, his screams increased in volume. The colors around him suddenly began to merge into one large blur. White sparks... he could see white sparks everywhere. As Janet had to press even harder, his brain tried to find a way to get his mouth to work again.

"Stop! Oh G-d, just stop!" Tears of pain were stinging his eyes, blurring his vision even further. He could faintly hear Sam say something urgently to Janet but his ears weren't working so well. The noise around him was drowned out and diluted from the pain he was feeling. He was suddenly aware that Janet was talking to him.

"Daniel... just stay with me a bit longer. Everything is done; I just have to pull it out. Are you with me?" Daniel nodded his head weakly. "I'm going to pull it out really quickly... Just breathe a little bit and rest for a few seconds." Janet's voice sounded muffled and far away to his ears. Did she just say rest for a few seconds?

No way! He needed it out of him!

"Take it out now!" Daniel managed to say in strangled breaths. He closed his eyes and once again felt the added pressure of Janet's hand on the needle. This time, he could hardly hear her count to three before he felt gut-wrenching pain. It was as though someone had just ripped out all of his insides in one swift pull. As a result, a wave of nausea passed over him. He had no more energy to scream. Instead, he moaned into the pillow as a bead of sweat slowly trickled down his cheek. Sam's face appeared in front of his. The roaring in his ears was making it hard for him to understand her.

He had to get out or he was going to... he had to get up! He grabbed onto the tip of the table and began to pull himself off of it. He could hear Janet's protest but he didn't care. He had to get out of there!

Daniel quickly lifted up his pants and attempted to run. His frozen left side was giving him some trouble but he ignored it. He needed to get to the bathroom or he was going to vomit right then and there. He dragged his stubborn left foot as he made his way out of the room and into the hallway. Suddenly, without warning, the room spun in a full circle. The abrupt lightness in his head caused him to lose his balance. He collapsed to the floor with a loud thud. He hardly felt the blow to his head as his face contacted the floor. His arms and legs refused to move. He could see Sam and Janet's blurry figures running towards him. He even caught Janet kneeling down next to him pressing a cloth onto his hip. He faintly heard a few of her words as she spoke to Sam.

Bleeding. He was bleeding?

Daniel looked at his hip and saw blood from the puncture leaking through the cloth and onto the cold cement floor. Daniel's consciousness slowly ebbed away along with the pain as darkness took him over.

Chapter 16

Events from the previous day were invading Sam's mind as she attempted to get some sleep. As much as she tried, sleep would not come. How could it when her mind was running in circles? Furthermore, she constantly heard Daniel's screams of pain echoing in her ears. Visions of the archaeologist's limp body on the floor were not helping matters either. As much as she tried, she simply could not understand what had happened the previous day. One minute Daniel was screaming in pain on the infirmary table and the next minute, he was passed out in the middle of the hallway following an attempted escape to the bathroom. Sam couldn't quite take her mind away from the blood that would not stop flowing from his hip, even after they had lay Daniel down in one of the private rooms. Janet had tried to explain to her the reason for the continuous bleeding. After a biopsy such as the one she had witnessed, the patient was supposed to lie still for at least a few hours while putting pressure on the puncture in order to stop any further bleeding. Daniel must have really been in pain if he had to take off like that to the bathroom. She shivered inwardly at the memory of having to lift the unconscious man off of the floor.

The incessant ring of her telephone interrupted Sam's thoughts. She groaned aloud. Who was calling her at... she looked at her clock... seven in the morning? She calculated in her head that she must have only gotten five hours of sleep. Sam cursed out loud. She didn't need to be at the base that day! It was her day off. She had planned on watching some T.V, going shopping and sleeping. Sam sighed when she realized that the last possibility would not be attainable.

She reached for the phone next to her bed and brought the receiver to her ear. "Hello?"

"Sam, did I wake you up?" Sam recognized the voice immediately. It belonged to Janet.

"No, unfortunately... what's up?" Sam asked as she laid her head back onto the pillow in exhaustion.

"Well, I forgot to talk to you before you left the base yesterday. I need to ask you a huge favor."

"What is it?"

"Well, I started Daniel on his first chemo treatment this morning. He's already an hour and a half into it. Here's the problem. I'm not off work until about four o'clock this afternoon. I was wondering if you would be able to stay with Daniel today until I'm off. I really don't want him to be alone right after the treatment. Everyone reacts differently to the meds. I'm not quite sure how his body will take to them. The first treatment should tell me what I need to know regarding the drugs and the doses his body can handle. I also don't want him to stay on base today. He would be better off in his apartment where he would feel more comfortable. I know it's your day off but I figured that you could relax at Daniel's place while doing him a favor of being there in case he were to need anything." Sam didn't even have to think twice before responding.

"Of course, I just have to get dressed and then I'll be on my way."

"Wait Sam... I have to first tell you a little bit about the side effects that he may experience from the drugs. He may or may not feel nauseous and queasy depending if the anti-nausea medication I gave him will work. Like I said before, every body reacts differently to the chemo. He may also feel extremely tired so he'll probably sleep for most of the day as well. You might want to check on him regularly for any signs of fever or infection. I'll stop by once I'm done work and I'll probably sleep there overnight with him..." Janet paused for a moment and then continued with a grin on her face. "According to my nurses, you're a lucky woman. They would kill to be in your shoes today." Janet laughed. "I know you're not a nurse Sam but I also know that Daniel would feel more comfortable with you there."

"Thanks for the warning, Janet. I'll keep my eyes open for those nurses of yours." Sam's smile faded away as a question suddenly formulated in her head. "Janet, will Daniel be able to work throughout the treatment?"

"Sure he will, just not off-world. He'll be able to work in his office at the base but he may just need to take it easy for a while. He will also have to lay off of the coffee too. He's going to go through four separate treatments, each a week apart. The day of each treatment, he won't be able to work or do any physical activity but he will be able to lead a normal life for the rest of the time." Sam let out a sigh of relief. Daniel's work was his life and without it, he would probably go nuts. She also knew that the work would eventually take his mind off of the chemo as well.

As she was about to say goodbye, Janet continued, "Just one more thing, Sam. I don't know if it is any of my business, but what's going on between Daniel and Colonel O'Neill? I mean, they haven't been talking much lately and he specifically told me not to say anything to the colonel about the cancer. I mean G-d Sam! Aren't they supposed to be good friends? How could Daniel keep this from him? Both you and Teal'c know... even the general knows and yet the colonel is left out of the loop. Why?"

Sam didn't know what to say. She debated on telling Janet the truth but then chose not to. She wanted to respect Daniel's private life as much as possible. "I don't know, Janet. They'll probably work out their differences sooner or later." She faintly heard Janet say goodbye and hang up the phone.

Sam sat on her bed paralyzed in her thoughts. She prayed to G-d that Daniel and the colonel would work things out, for both their sakes. Daniel was strong... he was a survivor. But if she knew Daniel as well as she thought, then she also knew that Daniel would need Jack to get through this. Sure, she could help him out and be there for him but it was Jack's strength and will that Daniel needed in order to beat this... thing.

The sound of the dial tone reminded her to put the receiver back into its place. Sam slowly got up and began to get dressed.

Daniel felt fine. Apart from a sore butt and a sore neck, the first treatment was not too bad. It took three hours of sitting in a chair with an IV attached to his arm until Janet had finally come in and told him that it was over. Now he was heading towards his office to collect a few books and reports that he would work on at home and then he would meet Sam at the parking lot.

He was thankful to finally go home. It had been a long painful two days and he was overjoyed to be finished with all of the testing. Daniel sat at his desk and began to collect some of his books when he heard a knock at his door. "Come in," he called out. The door opened to reveal the man he really wasn't in the mood on seeing. Jack O'Neill stepped inside and began to play with one of Daniel's artifacts that was sitting neatly on his shelf.

"Where have you been Daniel? Jeez, I must have left a hundred messages on your machine."

"I haven't been home in a while." Daniel answered coldly as he continued to gather more papers together.

"Well look... we have to talk."

"Not now, Jack... I'm busy."

"No, Daniel, we have to talk now." Jack stopped playing with the artifact and turned to face Daniel. Daniel looked up at Jack too, their eyes meeting for the first time in seven days.

"No, Jack. Not everything has to go your way ALL the time. We're not on a mission now so I don't have to follow any more of your orders." Daniel looked down and continued clearing his desk. "I'd really appreciate it if you left."

Jack sighed in frustration. "Look, Daniel, I just wanted to tell you that our next mission is in two days and I'd like it if you came. It's going to be a recon mission so --" Daniel was quick to interrupt him.

"Jack, I'm not going. In fact, I won't be going on any missions with SG-1 for a while. Now if you will excuse me... I have a lot of things to do!" Daniel turned his back on Jack, completely ignoring his presence.

Jack's voice rose in annoyance. "What is wrong with you, Daniel? Can't I have a normal conversation with you or are you just too damn keen on acting like a baby? Jeez Daniel, we're grown ups here! Act like one!"

Daniel suddenly slammed one of his books down onto his desk catching Jack by surprise. He looked up and glared at the man in front of him. "Jack, get out! Just get out! I don't need you down my back all the time! Can't you just leave me alone?" Daniel paused momentarily and then continued, "Believe me, Jack. I have way more important things on my mind right now!" Jack stood there for a few moments and then reached for the door. Just before he left, Jack turned to Daniel and muttered in a low voice, "You don't have to worry, Daniel. I won't be down your back any more!"

Chapter 17

Sam concentrated on the stairs. She had to move faster. Five... six... seven... eight... There! She was up another level. She glanced at the number on the door. Third floor. Dammit! What floor was Daniel on? Oh yeah! He was on the fifth floor. In her haste, she began to skip every second stair as she continued up the staircase.

Between her heavy panting, she called out again, "Daniel... Daniel, answer me!" Of course, he didn't. She could hear the echoes of his heavy footsteps treading up the stairs from above her. What the hell was going on? She barely had enough time to park the car before Daniel had opened the door and took off in a sprint towards the apartment building. She had run after him, following him all the way to the stairwell. She had no idea what had provoked him to run away like that. She had tried calling him as she attempted to catch up to him but it was to no avail. Daniel wasn't answering her.

Finally... the fifth floor! Her mind was racing with questions. Why in the world had Daniel taken off like that? Why had he needed to get to his apartment in such a hurry? By the time Sam opened the door to the fifth floor, she noticed that Daniel's door at the end of the hall was wide open. Her stomach in knots, Sam dashed down the hall towards Daniel's apartment. By the time she reached the threshold, her heart sank as realization hit her. Daniel's bathroom door was flung open and she could already here the harsh sounds that were coming from within.

Daniel was retching.

By the time she got to the bathroom, Daniel was on the floor, his hands grasping the side of the toilet bowl, panting heavily. Sam reached for a small washcloth and made her way to the bathroom sink. As she turned on the hot water, she heard the sound of a groan followed by the sound of more vomiting. When the towel was finally soaked in warm water, Sam got down on her knees next to Daniel.

"Daniel... here," she said as she held out the clean towel. Daniel turned his head in the direction of her voice. Before he was able to utter a single word, his face suddenly scrunched up as if in pain. He clasped tightly onto the porcelain bowl and began to retch once again. Sam closed her eyes and turned away.

Daniel was now coughing and throwing up simultaneously. Sam began to rub his back in swift circles offering what little help she could. While Daniel's coughing suddenly turned into violent wheezing, Sam moved closer towards him and pulled back his hair from his face.

A few moments of silence passed as Daniel did not dare move from his perched position. Sam continued to caress his hair as another fit began. His back arched as he violently battled his stomach for disposition of its contents.

Daniel sank back to the ground, exhausted and blindly groping for the toilet handle. Upon finding it, he held it down and listened to the flushing of the toilet. Sam sighed in relief. She quickly began to apply the warm hand towel onto his mouth.

Daniel lay limply on the floor, his back leaning against the toilet. His heavy breathing was an attestation of his weariness. As she continued to minister to him, Daniel attempted to smile at her.

"Are you okay?" she whispered as terrified eyes stared back at her. In response, Daniel nodded weakly. "How about getting off of the floor?" Sam continued.

Daniel attempted to get up but fell back down onto the cold tiles when the room suddenly spun out of control. Sam grabbed onto him and brought him back up into a standing position. He thanked her quietly, his voice no louder than a whisper. He leaned on her heavily as Sam led him to his bedroom, one small step at a time.

Daniel was thankful as Sam covered his frail form. She placed her hand on his cheek and smiled. "Daniel, try and get some sleep. I'll put a cup of water next to your bed in case you get thirsty. I'm going to be in the next room if you need anything." Daniel mumbled his acknowledgement as his eyes slowly drifted shut.

Sam collapsed on the sofa in the room adjacent to Daniel's. She sighed heavily as she laid her head back against the headrest. Her hands were still shaking in response to the previous episode. She had no idea that the nausea involved could be so horrid. Her thoughts became more and more jumbled as her mind slowly drifted off to sleep...

"Oh G-d!"

Sam's eyes flew open at the sudden outcry originating from Daniel's room. She quickly got up and made her way towards the sound. As she turned on the lights, she was not prepared for the sight that met her eyes. Daniel was shaking violently under the thin sheets. His teeth were chattering as he pulled the covers higher onto his body.

"Daniel, what's wrong?"

"It's really cold, Sam... Oh G-d... cold," he managed to say as his body shuddered with the effort of speaking. Sam placed her hand on his forehead. All the color had vanished from his face. Sam began to search for more covers.

"In the... they're in the... closet." Daniel muttered from under the blankets. Sam followed his directions. Upon opening the closet doors, she spotted two extra blankets. She grabbed them both and draped them over Daniel's shivering form. Even with the added warmth, Daniel could not stay still. His body struggled to find a comfortable position. Seconds later, Daniel gripped at his stomach and moaned out loud.

"Daniel... what's wrong?" Sam asked, panic apparent in her voice. Her only response was Daniel's incessant moaning as he climbed out of the covers and stumbled off of the bed to lean against the wall. He slumped over in pain and slid heavily down to the floor. Sam reached for his shoulder but he quickly recoiled from her touch.

Sam couldn't hold back her worry as tears of frustration threatened to spill over. "Daniel... please! Just tell me what I can do!" She tried to reach for him again, but his reaction to her was the same.. "Nothing..." he whispered. "There's nothing you can do..." Daniel rocked himself as the nausea surged within him.

Daniel sprang for the bathroom, nearly not making it as he draped himself over the toilet. His gagging and coughing began anew. Sam knelt down next to him once again, trying to offer him some form of comfort. While she listened to his desperate gasps for air, Sam could no longer avoid the awful realization swimming in her mind. For the first time in her life, she felt powerless.

Daniel finally wiped his mouth and flushed toilet. Not a minute went by before his body collapsed in Sam's arms. With his arms wrapped around her tightly, he whispered the same four words over and over again: "Sam, I'm so sorry."

Sam, feelings and emotions all in a tangle, allowed the silent tears to flow down her cheek. She sat on the cold tiles, rocking him until she could no longer hear his sobbing.

He had finally fallen asleep.

She shook his shoulders gently until he finally stirred. She needed to get him into bed. Daniel struggled to stand up. With her help, Sam led him back to his bed and laid him down. "I'll be right back," she whispered softly.

Moments later, she returned with a large bin and placed it next to his bed on the floor. Daniel stared up at her in confusion. "It's in case you feel sick Daniel... so that you don't have to run back to the bathroom." She smiled as he nodded off into what she hoped would be a peaceful sleep.

Sam quietly made her way out of his room, leaving the door slightly ajar. She could feel herself losing control as she walked towards the guestroom. Her legs were already trembling under her own weight. She had to fight the tears.

Why was she crying? She could handle this, couldn't she?

There was more coughing and gagging from the other room. Tears were flowing steadily down her face now. She clasped her hand over her mouth as she felt a cry about to escape. She couldn't let Daniel know that she was crying. In a desperate attempt, Sam brought her fingers up to her eyes and tried to wipe the tears away. As much as she tried, her body continued to produce more and more of the salty fluid.

Her eyes wandered around the room. The phone... She needed the phone! She lifted the receiver and dialed as quickly as her shaking fingers would allow her. After going through the essential security passwords, Janet finally answered the phone. Sam was desperate to control her voice. She didn't succeed. She broke down crying before even being able to announce herself.

"Sam?"

"Janet... I can't do this!" Sam managed to blurt out.

"Sam, what's wrong? Sam, answer me!" Janet's voice was urgent.

"He needs a nurse! I can't do anything for him... he's too sick, Janet! I can't..." Sam knew that she was rambling but at the moment, her emotions were stronger than her sense of logic.

"Whoa! Slow down, Sam... what happened? What's wrong?"

"It's Daniel... he can't stop throwing up!" Sam was finding it hard to breathe between her sobbing. "You have to come! He needs you!" The panic in her voice was rising.

"Okay, Sam... calm down. I'm going to leave now. I'll bring Zofran, something that will help him with the nausea. I guess the Compazine wasn't strong enough. Don't worry... he'll be fine. He just had a violent reaction to the meds. I'll be there soon!" It took the monotonous sound of the dial tone to notify her that it was time to hang up the phone.

'Get a hold of yourself, Carter!'

The truth was, she was scared. Daniel needed her and she didn't know how to help him. She looked at the phone again and debated what to do. She swiftly grabbed it and began to dial. As she listened to the ringing, she silently wondered if what she was about to do was right... She needed to do this... Daniel needed her to do this.

"Hello?" Jack's voice answered the phone. Without warning, her throat clamped up. She couldn't go through with it.

Sam slowly hung up the phone as another tear made its way down her face.

She couldn't betray Daniel.

Chapter 18

Sam heard a knock. She quietly made her way to the door and tried to open it. Daniel's stubborn lock was giving her a hard time. After several attempts and a few swear words later, Sam finally succeeded in unlocking it. Janet stood in the hallway, her hair and clothes soaking wet, her face a mirror of fear and worry. Sam was relieved to see that she had brought with her one of her med kits.

"Rain?"

"Yeah!" Janet exclaimed with annoyance.

"Shh! He's finally asleep," Sam whispered as she stepped aside allowing Janet entry. Janet's tense nerves slightly loosened when she took in Sam's calm appearance. She scanned the apartment as she stepped inside. She was happy to see that everything was neat and in place, just as Daniel liked it. In truth, she was expecting total chaos: towels thrown everywhere, remains of Daniel's stomach contents scattered on the floor... she shook the vision from her head. 'Been watching way too much ER' Janet scolded herself. Sam gently closed the door and smiled at her friend.

Janet couldn't help but notice the puffy red eyes.

"I know... I know... I over reacted. You don't have to tell me..."

Janet cut her off immediately. "Not at all Sam. Your reaction was perfectly normal. In fact, I think I am the one to blame for all this. I didn't give you enough background information on what to expect. To be honest with you, very few people react so violently to the drugs... I should have been better prepared. I mean it is Daniel were talking about here." Janet was pleased to see Sam's ashen face lighten up with a smile.

"I don't know why I freaked out like that, Janet! It just wasn't... it wasn't... me. And I think that scared me more than anything." Janet ran a hand through her wet hair and then moved to hang her coat in the closet.

"Sam, I think you're right."

"About what?"

"Well, after every chemo treatment, I'm thinking of sending Daniel home with a trained nurse for the day. I don't want to have to put you through that again."

"It's okay, Janet. I think I can handle it. The first time is always sketchy. I'll know what to expect the next time round." Janet looked Sam over.

"Well... I don't know. We'll see... You don't mind if I see him now? Is he still asleep?" As if in answer to her question, the two women were interrupted by sounds of coughing and gagging from the bedroom.

"Not anymore," Sam said more to herself as they both made their way to the main bedroom.

Janet flicked on the light. Daniel was leaning off of his bed, his face hidden in the bin that Sam had made available to him.

"Whoa... whoa... deep breaths, Daniel." At the sound of Janet's voice, Daniel's head popped up, his eyes squinting in her direction.

"Janet?" he groaned.

"At your service," she said as she sat on the bed next to him.

"Thank G-d you're here..." Sam couldn't help but feel the slightest bit insulted at the comment. Almost immediately, she cursed at herself for thinking such a thing. How could she be so selfish? Of course Daniel needed Janet... Speaking of needs, she desperately needed to wash her face!

As she opened the door to the bathroom, the stench within the small room caused her to wince. She almost felt like gagging herself. She immediately flicked the switch that activated the fan. 'Thank G-d for technology,' she muttered to herself as she reached for the tap and turned the knob.

Sam ran her hands under the cold water and rinsed her face. While she turned off the tap, she stole a glance at herself in the mirror and sighed. She had truly scared herself today. She had really thought she was going to have a nervous breakdown. And for what? She didn't want to dwell on the subject any longer.

Sam turned around and closed the lights. When she exited the bathroom, she noticed Daniel lying in bed, Janet sitting next to him. They were talking calmly between one another. 'See... there's nothing to worry about,' she told herself. Daniel would be fine...

"Hey, Sam... you can go to sleep now without being bothered by the sound of my gag reflexes. Janet gave me something stronger for the nausea. She assured me that I'd feel better within the hour. I'm already feeling a lot better." Daniel looked up at her, a shy smile on his face. If she didn't know better, she would have thought there was a slight redness in his cheeks... embarrassment perhaps?

"I'm glad you're feeling better, Daniel," Sam responded. As she took a step towards him, she immediately felt her heart rate beginning to falter. Fear? Why was she suddenly scared to go near him? Sam examined her friend more carefully. Daniel's skin was clammy, his face was pale and his eyes were worn out. He looked terribly sick. What if he...? Again, she cursed at herself for thinking such thoughts. Despite her feelings, Sam approached Daniel. He looked up at her, a serious expression on his face.

"Thank you, Sam. I really appreciate what you did for me..." He chuckled slightly. "Hope I didn't scare you." Sam reached out to touch his face. At the sudden contact, she pulled back immediately.

"You should get some sleep, Daniel," Janet said while she eyed Sam carefully.

As both women left the room, Sam could still feel Daniel's eyes on her. She could even picture what they looked like. Intense blue orbs, staring at her with hurt and confusion. The moment the door closed, Janet pulled Sam away towards the living room. "Sam, the cancer is not contagious," Janet whispered with concern.

"I know that, Janet."

"Well, you just looked a little nervous back there. You know... he will be fine, Sam. He's a fighter... he has Sha're to fight for. He won't give..."

"Janet, I know!" Sam snapped. She turned away from her friend, ashamed of her behavior. "I'm sorry, Janet..." Sam's voice lowered in tone, the edginess was gone immediately. "It's been a long day!"

Janet looked at her with sympathetic eyes. She understood her friend. She would be a little worn out herself if she had been in her shoes.

"That reminds me, Sam... I spoke to General Hammond earlier and he told me that he's granting you a two day leave. He knows the troubles and the anxieties that come with cancer..."

"His wife," Sam interrupted.

Janet nodded.

"So, what do you say we see what our favorite archaeologist has stored in the fridge?" Janet asked, an evil grin on her face. Sam nodded softly. Janet waited a moment before getting up from her seat pulling Sam along with her.

Once in the kitchen, Sam sat down at the table while Janet raided the fridge. "Cassandra's at Jenny's house tonight. She told me she misses you. Whenever she calls you, you're never home." Janet's voice was muffled as her head disappeared into Daniel's fridge. "What the heck is this?" she asked while she waved a weird looking piece of food in Sam's direction.

Janet frowned. As far as she was concerned, she was talking to a wall. Sam's head was turned away from her, giving Janet the wonderful view of her backside. Quietly, Janet took a seat next to Sam and put her hand on her shoulder. Despite her comforting touch, Sam refused to turn around.

Janet caught her bringing a hand up to her face. "Hey... hey..." She tugged on Sam's shoulder until Sam finally turned to face her. Janet could see her poor attempt at hiding the tears. "Sam... it's okay... he'll be fine." Janet put her hand on Sam's arm.

"I know he'll be fine... it's just... I hate seeing him like that... suffering... He's been through so much this year... Sometimes, I just wish it could have been me..."

"Stop that, Sam. Don't you dare think that way! You don't deserve it any more than Daniel does. Look... I don't know why all these things happen but what I do know is that we all have to be there for him." As Janet spoke, Sam nodded in agreement. "Let me see a smile on that face of yours, Captain!" Sam grinned shyly yet, the sadness was still in her eyes. "There's something else bothering you isn't there? What's wrong?" Sam's red eyes looked up at her friend.

"I'm worried about Daniel on an emotional level. I mean, it's one thing to find out that you have cancer, but it's another thing to lose a close friend all at the same time. G-d Janet! Daniel needs the colonel to get through this. He can't do it himself. I've worked with both of them for a long time now and if there's one thing that I've learned, it's that they each thrive on each other's qualities. Daniel needs the colonel's strength, Janet. It's like you said, cancer is just as much an emotional battle as it is a physical one."

The sudden sound of buzzing interrupted her. Both women got up and searched for its source.

"Sam, over here... it's the intercom." Janet pointed at a small radio device attached to Daniel's wall. A sudden familiar voice echoed through the speaker. "Come on Daniel. Let me up. I know it was you who called me earlier." More buzzing followed as Jack continued to press on the buzzer.

"Daniel, I know you're there! I just want to talk!" Sam looked at Janet, her face stricken with horror.

"We can't let him up, Janet! Daniel doesn't want him to know." Janet nodded her agreement.

"As far as he knows, Daniel could be sleeping," Janet added. Sam turned away from the intercom and followed Janet back to the kitchen in an uncomfortable silence. They both sat down and waited until Jack finally gave up.

Chapter 19

Daniel closed his eyes, enjoying the serene and peaceful surroundings. Although he didn't really eat much, the picnic that both Janet and Sam had organized was exactly what he had needed. It was also the first time in three days that he had actually stepped out of his apartment. Most of his time was spent either lying on his bed or sprawled across his open books sleeping. He had never felt so tired in his entire life. In fact, the previous day, he had actually slept for eighteen hours. Janet had explained to him that this was a normal thing and that it might actually get worse as the treatment progresses. He was glad for the fact that his treatment was only going to last for a month as opposed to two or three. At least that was a relief.

Besides the occasional churning of his stomach and the eternal feeling of being tired, he suffered from no other side effects. The Zofran that Janet had put him on was helping him greatly. However, despite the aforementioned, Daniel still did not feel 'right'. No matter how much he tried, he couldn't quite pinpoint the reason why. All he did know was that there was a definite feeling of emptiness within him. Why was he so depressed? 'Because you have a life threatening disease you idiot!' he laughed at himself. Nevertheless, there was still something else bothering him..

Daniel cracked open one eye and stared at his friends. Sam was sitting next to him on the blanket leaning against the tree. The large novel in her hand captivated her. He turned his head slightly to see Janet cleaning up the remains of their lunch. Her hands were so preoccupied with the food that she didn't notice the bee that was circulating her head.

Daniel's lips curled into a grin. He was definitely a lucky man to have good friends such as these. They were there for him every step of the way. He paused a moment. Then why did he still have an unsettling feeling within him? A sigh of realization finally escaped his lips. He knew exactly what the feeling was-he just didn't want to admit to it.

It was a feeling he was all too familiar with.

A feeling he had not felt for a long time. A feeling he had once promised himself never to experience again. Oh yes... he knew the feeling very well. It was a dangerous one... one that could ruin everything that he had built for himself. Loneliness... It was the feeling of loneliness.

He closed his eyes once more while his mind wandered back in time-a time when he felt safe and loved. In his mind, he was being enveloped in Sha're's arms. He could feel the soft touch of her hands as they caressed his face. The sweetness of her lips as they kissed his eyes. The smell of her scent while her head lay against his chest.

He needed her.

He needed her more than ever before.

Daniel suddenly felt the familiar stinging in his eyes. He fought back the tears. He would do that later... when he was alone.

Daniel opened his eyes and squinted at the sun... He wanted it to rain.

"Daniel!" He turned his head towards the sound of Cassandra's voice calling him. He spotted her, about thirty feet away, playing Frisbee with her dog. "Come on and play with us!" she yelled at him. As he tried to get up from his horizontal position on the ground, Janet reached out and touched his arm.

"Look, Daniel, you don't have to if you don't feel up to it."

"It's okay, Janet. A little exercise couldn't hurt." Janet continued to eye him down for a few more moments before she finally let go.

Daniel got up and jogged towards the small girl. "Here!" She threw the Frisbee at him. The dog quickly followed the flying red disk, jumping and barking while wagging his tail incessantly. Daniel was glad to note that his reflexes were working properly when he caught the Frisbee in mid-air. Although he threw it back to her, it never reached its destination. Out of nowhere, a small brown figure leaped into the air and intercepted the pass.

"Oh no! Catch him!" Cassandra laughed as she began to chase her dog around. The dog was much too fast for her. "Daniel... you have to help me!" she yelled to him.

Daniel waited until the dog was close enough before he too began to run after it. He ran as fast as he could, the dog always two steps ahead of him as if taunting him to move faster. "Jack! Jack!!" Cassandra clamored as she ran. Daniel froze. Jack was here? Wasn't he supposed to be at work? He swung his head around searching for the man in question. "Jack! Come back!" Cassandra continued. Come back? What was she talking about? When he looked up again, Cassandra was approaching him, her dog in her arms. While she tried to free the Frisbee, the animal growled playfully in protest. "Jack... give it to me!" she exclaimed. Daniel let out a huge sigh of relief.

Jack was her dog! Thank G-d!

"You named your dog Jack?" He couldn't resist the question.

"Yeah... Come on! Let's chase him again." She put the dog down on the ground. The moment his small paws touched the grass, he took off again in a fast sprint. Daniel, still recovering from his previous discovery, was slow in following Cassandra.

Daniel was finding it harder and harder to breathe as he put one foot in front of the other. Before he knew it, his chest was hurting him as he gasped for air. He was too tired to run. He had to stop.

Daniel leaned over and put his hands on his knees in the hopes of steadying himself. The dizziness was hovering over him, threatening to conquer him completely. Without realizing it, he was already on his knees panting heavily, struggling to keep his food in his stomach. He faintly heard Janet call his name urgently. He couldn't respond. He had to first catch his breath.

Finally, when the nausea passed, Daniel got up from the grass and turned around. Janet was already jogging towards him.

"Janet... it's okay. I'm fine. I just wasn't expecting to get so tired." He gave her an innocent smile.

"Daniel, I told you to take it easy! Don't overdo it on your first day out!" Janet placed her hands on her hips indicating that she meant business.

Moments later, Cassandra joined them. "What happened?" she asked between gasps.

"Nothing... It's okay, Cass. Daniel just isn't feeling so well. He'll have to take it easy for a while."

Janet smiled at her daughter. She had to be careful with her words. Cassandra didn't know about the cancer and Janet wasn't planning on telling her about it anytime soon. It was too scary of a concept for a young girl of her age to grasp.

Janet turned around and began to make her way back to the blanket where Sam had fallen asleep, apparently unaware of Daniel's previous 'episode'. Daniel picked 'Jack' up and followed Janet towards the shaded area. "Come on, Cass, let's go relax a bit." The young girl snorted in objection. She wanted to continue playing. She hated being with grown-ups. They were always so damn boring!

As Daniel took a seat under the tree, Cassandra took her dog from his arms and sat down next to him. Daniel closed his eyes and leaned his head back.

He suddenly awoke to the sound of muffled giggling. He also heard Janet's stern voice lecturing the small girl.

"Cassandra! Stop that and act your age! Take them out of his hair!" Daniel shook his head. Dozens of tiny leaves fell from his hair. When he glanced up at Cassandra, she was still giggling.

"You still have more!" She reached up and began to ruffle Daniel's hair in the hopes of freeing him from her decorations. Suddenly, without warning, Cassandra pulled away from him. "Ew!" she yelled out loud. She looked up at Daniel in disgust, wiping her hands on her pants. Before he could open his mouth, Janet grabbed Cassandra roughly by the arm and pulled her away. Daniel could hear her reprimanding the young girl through clenched teeth. What was going on?

Daniel caught a few of Janet's words. She was saying something about respect. He also heard Cassandra trying to defend herself.

Disgusting. She definitely said disgusting!

He tried to listen more carefully.

'Daniel' and 'hair' were a few of the other words included in the conversation.

He reached up and ran his fingers over his scalp.

By the time he brought his hands back down, Daniel could not contain the shudder that suddenly ran through his body... There, in his palm, was a clump of his own hair.

© May 26, 2000 The characters mentioned in this story are the property of Showtime and Gekko Film Corp. The Stargate, SG-I, the Goa'uld and all other characters who have appeared in the series STARGATE SG-1 together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of MGM-UA Worldwide Television, Gekko Film Corp, Glassner/Wright Double Secret Productions and Stargate SG-I Prod. Ltd. Partnership. This fanfic is not intended as an infringement upon those rights and solely meant for entertainment. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author.

Author's Note: I would like to take this opportunity to thank all of my beta readers, Jmas, Spacemonkey and Maria, for their wonderful encouragement and advice. Thank you, guys, you really helped a lot! This fic was very hard to write and I'd like to express my appreciation for all those at the Stargate H/C list too -- without your constant encouragement and feedback, I probably would have never finished this baby.

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