Apophis stared down at the man standing at the bottom of the SGC's ramp. "What do you mean We do not have the proper forms!?"
The man looked back at him calmly over the rim of his round-lensed glasses. "Article XXIV, Section CXII, Paragraph XIX," he informed the Goa'uld, then quoted, "'Any party wishing to invade a planet must fill out all appropriate tax forms before said invasion may be started or completed.'"
He motioned to his subordinates and they pulled forward a cart loaded to the top with multi-colored paper. They hauled the papers off the cart and placed them in the arms of the surrounding Jaffa warriors and Apophis himself. They were too stunned to do much more than drop their staff-weapons, accept the burden, and stumble back under the sheer weight.
"Here we are, then," the man said. "We expect these back, along with the appropriate payments, naturally, by the end of the week." He reached into his pocket and took out a notepad, then started reading off it. "Weapons tax, travel tax, tax for the use of a top-secret military facility as a landing point, equipment tax, environmental usage tax, wardrobe and provisions tax. Approximate earnings for this year, next year, and for the previous three millennia up to and including any other planetary systems settled by original progeny from Earth.... Ah yes. As you seem to have skipped out on those when you left the last time, there will naturally also be an additional 'interest' tax."
Apophis paled as the man motioned again and his subordinates drew forth another cart, also piled to the brim. This time, the papers laid in their arms raised the pile to nearly block their view of the Tau'ri; a few of the Guards were forced to lean against one another for support. "And these," the man said, "are your exemption forms. Restocking of weapons, medical, personal, dental - that is, use and recharging of a sarcophagus. And, naturally, entertainment, education, and relocation exemptions for your ..." the man looked at the X-shaped incisions on the Jaffas, "...dependents."
"All - all this?!" Apophis gasped.
The man nodded. "All this," he confirmed. Apophis paled further as the man continued, issuing the words that beings across the known universe - even the Goa'uld - feared and avoided at all costs. "In triplicate."
The Jaffa guards gasped in union, and a thud and flutter was heard as one of them dropped his share of the paper in abject horror. Apophis somehow restrained himself from curling into a fetal-larvae position. He turned to his men and, in a mutter of Egyptian, told them: "Back into the Stargate. Slowly. No sudden moves."
The Jaffas nodded, moving backwards. Apophis offered the man a weak smile. "Ah ... We have changed Our mind. Your people are ... ah ... not really a threat, so ... We will abdicate in your favor and ... leave ... now."
Before the man could say anything more - or worse, hand him more forms - Apophis gave the signal. As one, the Jaffas dropped their loads (of paper ... except for the one who had previously dropped his, in whose case the more vulgar meaning of the term was used, much to the disgust of his fellows and dismay of the Guards' Laundry Service), and bolted for the Stargate. And if some of them stumbled and ended up behind Apophis, who charged through first, then it was securely stated upon their arrival on Chulak that they were valiantly covering his escape (again, except for the unlucky load-less Guard, who bore a striking resemblance to Sir Robin's chief minstrel and was subsequently fated to a triple Zat-ing, much to the relief of the Guards' Laundry Service).
But before that came to pass, Apophis leaned against the rocks near the Stargate and breathed a sigh of relief at the disaster that had been so narrowly avoided.
As a System Lord, he had faced many perils and terrible enemies, but in all his thousands of years, he thought, nothing was quite so demonic, so utterly, gut-clenchingly horrid as the Tau'ri's ... "IRS."
© 1999 The characters mentioned in this story are the property of Showtime and Gekko Film Corp. The Stargate, SG-I, the Goa'uld and all other characters who have appeared in the series STARGATE SG-1 together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of MGM-UA Worldwide Television, Gekko Film Corp, Glassner/Wright Double Secret Productions and Stargate SG-I Prod. Ltd. Partnership. This fanfic is not intended as an infringement upon those rights and solely meant for entertainment. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author.