"I can't believe you told him that, Jack. Look, he's actually going over there right now!"
"What? He asked me what they were so I told him."
"You told him that as tradition, you tip them when they're asleep, Jack!"
"They're cows, Daniel. Teal'c asked what they were for, so I told him."
"They're animals, Jack. Not organic titter totters."
"…Is that even a word, Daniel?"
"I have to agree with Daniel, sir. You shouldn't have told Teal'c that."
"What? It's a known tradition!"
"It is a folktale, Jack! There's no such thing as cow tipping!"
"Daniel, don't be ridiculous. Of course there's such a thing-"
"Have you ever tipped a cow, sir?"
"Well…no, but come on! You hear folks talk about it all the time!"
"It's a joke, Jack. You can't tip a cow!"
"How do you know? Ever tipped one?"
"Jack! They're 1500 pounds! They'll tip me before I could even come near them!"
"…So Teal'c will go over there, try it, find it doesn't work and come back. No harm done."
"Sir?"
"What, Carter?"
"He's over the fence now. He's going over to them."
"Where? Where? Oh wait, I see him. Over there, Danny."
"Oh my God, he's actually doing it."
"Damn, I should have parked my car closer to the fence. I can't see a thing. I- Carter?"
"Yes sir?"
"What are you doing? Where did you get those binoculars?"
"Uh…these? They're…they're for…surveillance, sir."
"Surveillance?"
"Have to make sure the cows won't attack Teal'c…sir."
"Captain. They're cows. What? They're gonna think Teal'c's a blade of grass and chew on his head?"
"Oh my God!"
"What? What, Daniel?"
"He…he…he actually did it!"
"Carter, give me those! Where is he? I don't…shit."
"Holy Hannah!"
"That poor cow!"
"Man, Teal'c is definitely strong. Thank God he's on our side. Carter! Wait! Give those back! I'm not done with those yet!"
"Sir! I can't see from here!"
"He…he…it went all the way down the hill."
"Shit. I told him to pick one, I figured he would pick the spotted one."
"He did, sir."
"Yeah, the one on top of the hill. I was talking about the one sleeping under the tree!"
"Why is Teal'c still standing there, Jack?"
"Beats the hell out of me, Dan…where are you going?"
"To check on that cow you told Teal'c to abuse."
"I didn't tell him to abuse- Wait, stay in the car, Daniel. Daniel! Jackson! Great. He got out. Sigh Doesn't matter if we're out there in the universe somewhere or on Earth, he does not listen to me. I…now what are you doing, Carter?"
"Thought I better check on Teal'c, sir."
"Look, Daniel will get him back here and…great. Now she's out of the car. This is just great. Perfect. Go for a drive around the country. Let's show Teal'c our planet, they say. I said a movie would have been better, but did they listen? Nooo…I don't believe this. Now I'm talking to myself! Groan…I can feel that gray hair growing. This is really, really- What the? Oh great. That's real good, Jackson. Go see the horizontal cow. Don't poke the stupid thing! Just don't ask me to bring it home as a pet- Oh shit! Run…hey, guys! Over here! Daniel! Don't just stand there! Get back in here! Pick up the pace, Captain! It's right behind you! Come on…crap! Daniel, get up! Hurry it up! Move it! Move it!"
"Whew…made it. Wait a minute. Where's Daniel and Teal'c, sir?"
"Right behind you, Carter. You slammed the door before they can get in. Will you open that door! Get in guys!"
"The creature appears to be very upset."
"Jack! This is all your fault! Now its…whoa!"
"Hey! Get away from my car, you big milk dud!"
"Sir. It's a bull. It doesn't give milk."
"Yeah, yeah. Very fun…hey! Get away from the window! Don't-"
"Yikes! Jack! Start the car!"
"I'm trying! I'm trying!"
"The glass is broken."
"I know, Teal'c. Come on! Start!"
"Jack!"
"Don't rush me! This isn't a goddamn DHD, okay?"
"Sir! Will you *please* hurry? It's chewing on the side view mirror."
"Hey! You! It said objects only *appear* closer than they really are! So you're not! Get away from that mirror!"
"Jack, I don't think it understands you."
"So get out there and do your usual hello thing, Daniel."
"What? Jack! That's a cow! Not some native on some planet! This is not one of your missions!"
"Could still be regarded as an intelligent life form."
"Daniel."
"What, Sam?"
"It's looking at you."
"…"
"Bet it likes you, Danny. Sounds like a typical mission to me."
"Very funny, Jack. I- whoa!"
"Stop banging my window! I'm not letting you in!"
"There are others converging."
"What? Jack! More cows! More cows!"
"Will you stop yelling in my ears? I…oh shit."
"Sir…"
"O'Neill, it would be wise to depart quickly."
"Jack! Hurry it up! Even the chevrons engage faster than you!"
"Very funny, Daniel. How about I throw you out there to appease them? Should have done that at P7J7632 when we accidentally pissed off the natives there!"
"That was you! You made faces at their food!"
"Because it sucked! Everything tasted like chicken!"
"Guys! Now is not the time!"
"I know! I know! Come on you stupid…yes!"
"Thank God! No! Jack! Don't hit them!"
"I'm not trying to hit them. I'm trying to get away…hey! You! Big spotted one! Stop…drooling…on…my…roof!"
"Sir! You've heading towards the fence!"
"O'Neill!"
"Jack!"
"Shit!"
"…"
"…"
"…"
"Well…the fence looks okay, kids."
"I think…I'm going to be sick."
"Do that outside of my car, Daniel."
"Oh, like I'm going out there!"
"Sir?"
"Yeah, yeah. I'm backing up. Hold your horses, Carter."
"Do we tip those too, O'Neill?"
"Not one word, Jack."
"I wasn't going to say anything."
"Sir…"
"Carter, quit it already. We're leaving. We're leaving."
"Uh…Jack?"
"What is it, Daniel?"
"You see that guy over there? On the hilltop? The one running towards us?"
"Yeeah…"
"I think that's the owner, sir."
"He appears to be holding a weapon, O'Neill. I believe he intends to do something malicious to us."
"For crying out loud. Hang on, kids."
"Whoa!"
"Jack!"
"Look, we don't want to stay around when he gets down here, do we?"
"You could have given us warning first! At least so I can put on my seatbelt!"
"Look, with your track record, it probably would have snapped and hit you in the face."
"Guys…"
"Very funny, Jack. Watch out for that turn!"
"Will you stop complaining? I'm the one driving here!"
"Guys-"
"You call that driving? Slow down! We're out of that farm already!"
"All clear, Carter?"
"Sigh…yes, sir. It's safe now. Don't think he'll come after us onto the highway, sir."
"We wouldn't have to worry about that if Jack hadn't told Teal'c to tip the cow."
"Hey, it would have been okay if he hadn't chosen the bull!"
"Did I do this tradition improperly?"
"No, no, Teal'c. The guys are just upset."
"We should have done the movie instead."
"…I still can't believe you were able to tip that cow, Teal'c."
"Chuckle…me neither. Sir?"
"Yeah. I have to admit…that was the damnedest sight I ever saw."
"But we're never doing that again. Right, Jack?"
"Yeah, yeah. Sorry about that, buddy. I…hey…where's my side mirror?"
© September 7, 1999 The characters mentioned in this story are the property of Showtime and Gekko Film Corp. The Stargate, SG-I, the Goa’uld and all other characters who have appeared in the series STARGATE SG-1 together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of MGM-UA Worldwide Television, Gekko Film Corp, Glassner/Wright Double Secret Productions and Stargate SG-I Prod. Ltd. Partnership. This fanfic is not intended as an infringement upon those rights and solely meant for entertainment. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author.