There was a soft knock on the door. He ignored it. It came again.
Go away, he thought without feeling. Just leave me alone.
The door opened a crack, the harsh light from the hallway slanting across the floor.
"Jack?" a hesitant voice asked. The younger man stuck his head in the door. Jack closed his eyes.
"Trying to sleep here, Daniel," he said flatly over his shoulder.
"I, uh, just wanted to be sure you were ok." The words came out in a rush.
"I’m fine, Daniel. Just tired." Daniel edged just far enough into the room to close the door. Jack gritted his teeth. "Don’t really need to be tucked in, Daniel." Jack could hear the whip snap in his voice and cursed mentally. That would just sound Daniel’s alarms further. He took a deep breath and tried again. "Really, Daniel. I’m just tired. I’m gonna crash here tonight and I’ll be good as new."
There was no response except the sound of the other man settling himself into one of the cheap, uncomfortable armchairs the VIP rooms were furnished with.
"I don’t think so, Jack," came the soft voice out of the dark. "I think you’re beating yourself up over Teal’c and Ry’ac."
"Oh for cryin’ out loud!" With a swift motion, Jack sat up and switched on the room light. Daniel sat blinking owlishly in the light.
"You don’t know what the hell you’re talking about, so why don’t you just drop the role of crap psychologist, all right?" He glared at Daniel and the other man dropped his eyes to his hands in his lap, long fingers twisting and working nervously. After a second, he looked up at Jack. His mouth was tight, but his eyes were steady on Jack’s face.
"So explain it to me, Jack. Help me to understand," he said carefully. Jack’s dark brown eyes drilled into Daniel’s mild blue ones. He flushed, but it was Jack whose gaze dropped first. He muttered, "Go to hell, Daniel," but it sounded feeble, even to him. He dropped his head into his hands and scrubbed vigorously through the short hair.
"Oh God, Daniel," he said, exhaling the words gustily. "He left his son behind. His son! We would have helped them, gotten them out. I can’t even imagine what they’ve been through."
"You know Teal’c did what he thought best," Daniel said quietly.
"I never asked him to do that, Daniel. I never would have asked anyone to do that!"
"So who are you more angry with, Jack? Teal’c? or yourself?"
Jack just stared at Daniel, the flood of angry words suddenly clogging his throat, choking him. Daniel was slouched in the chair, long legs stretched in front of him, but the expression on his face was far less casual. His blue eyes were wide and questioning, bright with compassion. Jack stood up suddenly and began pacing around the room, swearing viciously under his breath. When he didn’t respond, Daniel prodded again.
"You’re angry, Jack, and that’s understandable." Jack barked sharply in mirthless laughter.
"Like you were when you shot up that tank of snakes, Daniel?" he demanded. The younger man seemed to stop breathing for a moment. "Oh yeah, Daniel. Carter told me what really happened. Ya know, you really shocked Captain Carter, Danny boy," Jack said scornfully, inwardly cringing at the look on Daniel’s face, but somehow unable to stop the terrible hurtful words spilling out.
Daniel’s hands had locked together in white knuckled convulsions. "Didn’t seem to have any trouble handling a P-90 that time, didja Dr. ‘Peaceful Explorer’ Jackson?" Oh no, no, no, Danny, I don’t mean that, no one could ever blame you for what you did! All the color had leached out of Daniel’s face, the wide blue eyes burning.
"You’re absolutely right, Jack," and his voice was so strangled with pain and shame Jack almost couldn’t recognize it. "God, what a hypocrite I am! Well, I’ll just get out of here and let you rest." Before Jack could say or do anything, he was slipping back out the door, as quietly as he’d come. Jack stared after him, trying to call the moment back. He growled in wordless frustration as he punched an innocent metal cabinet standing nearby.
~^^^^^~
Daniel moved mechanically down the hallway towards his office, hands thrust deeply into his pockets. He passed a few servicemen in the hallways and nodded automatically. Finally reaching the privacy of his lab, he closed the door and leaned against it breathing deeply. Jack had really nailed him and God knew he’d had it coming. What a self-righteous jerk he’d been, seeking Jack out after the briefing. Now he realized he’d just been avoiding dealing with his own guilt. He owed Carter an apology that was for sure. He’d put her in an untenable position. He was just damn lucky she hadn’t said anything in the official report. Daniel startled as a knock on the door vibrated through his shoulders and moving away just as the door opened, saw Teal’c stood outlined in the doorway.
"Are you well, DanielJackson?" Daniel looked down.
"Yeah, Teal’c, I’m …. Fine." He answered, pushing his glasses up and reaching for the first folder that came to hand. "I was just going to get working on the, um, translation of this tablet we found on, I think it was from a mission last week. Really running behind, so if you’ll excuse me, I need to get it done," and Daniel began intently studying the contents of the folder. During the high-speed ramble, Teal’c’s eloquent eyebrow had begun to climb and after Daniel stopped speaking, he stood silently for a moment.
"I do not believe you. You are obviously distressed. Have I in some way offended you, DanielJackson?" Teal’c’s deep brown eyes were steady on his and Daniel felt himself color.
"No, of course not, Teal’c. I’m just, I’m just very tired." The Jaffa scrutinized him for another moment.
"Very well, DanielJackson. But I wish to remind you that we are at war with the Goa’uld, and in war a good man may do many things he would not normally do. This does not mean he is no longer a good man." Daniel looked up at Teal’c from the folder clutched in his hands. The big man inclined his head courteously to Daniel, and left, closing the door gently behind him.
As he heard the door bump shut, Daniel reached behind him and without looking, slumped into the chair, gazing unseeingly at the computer monitor with its Egyptian screensaver gyrating furiously.
"Whatcha doin?" Jack’s soft voice came from the doorway, and despite himself, Daniel’s mouth quirked.
"Thinking I need to keep my mouth shut," Daniel replied, glancing up at Jack before returning his eyes to the screensaver.
"Welcome to the club," Jack said, as he walked into the office and leaned one hip against Daniel’s desk.
"Yeah, well, I’m pretty sure I just got elected president," said Daniel dryly, rubbing his forehead and throwing the folder back onto the desk.
"Nope," said Jack cheerfully. "That position is already filled by yours truly. There is however an opening for a mascot…" he quirked an eyebrow invitingly. "No?" He sobered. "Look Daniel…"
"No Jack," Daniel interrupted. "I was completely out of line. I had no right to…"
"Daniel," Jack cut in, hand raised to stop the flood of words. "You *were* right. About me, and I just didn’t want to hear it. What I said, about the tank of snakes, well, that was just a cheap shot cause I was pissed. No one could ever blame you for what you did." Daniel’s face was bitter.
"I can. What was it you called me, Dr. ‘Peaceful Explorer’ Jackson?" and he snorted. "What I did was murder."
"No!" and now Jack was intent on making Daniel understand. "What you did was save lives! You and I both know the next step for those little snakeheads was implantation in a Jaffa and then on to enslaving some human host. How many were in that tank? Ten? Twenty?" Daniel shrugged, refusing to meet Jack’s eyes. "Those are people who will never be enslaved, never be taken away from their families the way Sha’uri and Skaara were taken away from us!"
"It was still murder, Jack," Daniel said softly, fingers working again.
"No, Danny," Jack said, staring at Daniel until the younger man met his eyes. "It’s war. Every time we go through that gate we’re going to have to make choices. Sometimes they’ll be right, sometimes they’ll be wrong, but all we can do is try. Trust yourself, Daniel. We do."
"Teal’c just said something like that."
"He did? Well, he was so right!" Jack said emphatically.
"And you Jack? Do you trust Teal’c? And his decision?" Jack’s brows came together and he glared again at Daniel.
"You just don’t know how to quit when you’re ahead, do ya Daniel," he mumbled. The archaeologist spread his hands wide and gave him an innocent look. Jack grunted and swung away, staring at the bookcase that overflowed with Daniel’s reference books.
"Charlie was about that age when …" He stopped. "This isn’t about Teal’c, or Ry’ac, I guess," he said slowly and shook his head. "You’re right, Daniel. I know you’re right." He turned away from Daniel, jaw working. He forced himself to take a long, slow breath. He lifted his hands to scrub at his scalp again. "Well, I guess I’ve just proved again why I’m fit to be your president," he said in the deliberately light voice Daniel knew so well as he swung around with a bright smile and waved to an imaginary crowd behind Daniel.
"Jack," Daniel said quietly. Jack’s eyebrows shot up inquisitively.
"Daniel?" Daniel only sighed and shook his head. He knew when Jack took that tone he would get no where. Besides, he’d find a way to comfort Jack. An idea crossed his mind and he brightened.
"Jack, didn’t fishing season just open?" Jack looked positively inspired.
"Great idea, Daniel! I’ll consider that an invitation. Tell Teal’c and Carter to meet us here tomorrow, 5:30 am!" he called over his shoulder as he exited the room excitedly. Daniel stared after him in horror.
"But, I was just going to suggest you take the day off…" he said a trifle plaintively to the empty doorway. Oh God, Sam and Teal’c were going to kill him, he thought despondently.
Author's Note: Thanks to Jess and to Tammy for their beta reading and advice. Keep being brutal!
© November 2004 Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. This story may not be posted elsewhere without the consent of the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author. Copyright © 2004 Heidi S. Stone