URGO

Written by Tor Alexander Valenza

Transcribed By: Dee

TEASER

FADE IN

INT – CONTROL ROOM, SGC

SG1 and General HAMMOND are watching a monitor, showing a tropical world.

CARTER : The probe indicates a sustainable atmosphere. Temperature 78 degrees Fahrenheit. Barometric pressure is normal.

DANIEL : No obvious signs of civilisation.

CARTER : P4X 884 looks like an untouched paradise, Sir.

TEAL’C : Appearances may be deceiving.

O’NEILL : One man’s ceiling is another man’s floor.

DANIEL : A fool’s paradise is a wise man’s hell.

O’NEILL : Never run with…scissors?

HAMMOND : Were you trying to make a point, Major?

CARTER : Yes, Sir. We should perform a standard re-con mission. Mineral and biological surveys to determine if 884 is a viable site for a research colony.

HAMMOND : Very well. You have a go.

O’NEILL : Mmmm, mineral survey. My favourite.

HAMMOND : Colonel.

O’NEILL : I know, General. It’s all fun and games until someone breaks a nail.

INT – GATEROOM, SGC

The STARGATE dials up and the wormhole opens.

SG1 enters the Gateroom while HAMMOND watches from the Control Room.

O’NEILL (to HAMMOND) : Au revoir mon General.

TEAL’C : I am unfamiliar with that term, O’NEILL.

They head up the ramp.

O’NEILL : Au revoir. It’s French. It means ciao. Ciao…means adios, auf weidersehen, sayonara, which all loosely translated means…

They step through the STARGATE.

VFX: Shooting through the wormhole.

INT – GATEROOM, SGC

SG1 steps out of the STARGATE back into the Gateroom.

HAMMOND and a group of armed soldiers are waiting at the bottom of the ramp, along with two MALPs.

O’NEILL (cont’d) : Goodbye?

HAMMOND (to soldiers) : Stand down. (To SG1) What happened?

O’NEILL (confused) : What happened?

HAMMOND : That’s what I just asked you. Will someone please explain?

CARTER : General, we just left. We went through the Gate and we came back…here.

HAMMOND : Major, you’ve been gone over fifteen hours.

She looks shocked.

END OF TEASER

INT – INFIRMARY, SGC

Dr FRASIER checks SG1’s medical results on a monitor.

FRASIER : Blood work is normal. So far you check out fine.

DANIEL : What about the lost time?

CARTER : Could we have been drugged with something that leaves no trace?

FRASIER : Externally, there’s no new marks or bruises on your skin to indicate injections or any kind of struggle. What’s the last thing you remember?

CARTER : We were walking up the ramp.

TEAL’C : O’NEILL was explaining the meaning of ciao.

O’NEILL : We stepped through, we stepped back through. That’s what happened as far as we’re concerned.

HAMMOND : When you didn’t come back on schedule, we sent a second MALP. But all it showed was the same image of the alien planet we saw before. There was no sign of you and no response to our radio call.

CARTER : That’s why there were two MALPs in the Gateroom when we came back.

HAMMOND : Both came back just before you arrived. We assumed you sent them.

CARTER : It wasn’t us, Sir.

INT – DEBRIEFING ROOM, SGC

CARTER is sitting before a television. She switches a video recording on.

CARTER : This is the mark two MALP’s transmission.

The scene shows the tropical planet the first MALP showed.

HAMMOND : That’s what we saw, Major.

CARTER : Yes, Sir. Same as the first. Except where is it? If this is the second MALP’s transmission, we should be able to see the first MALP somewhere here, near the STARGATE.

O’NEILL : Isn’t that thing supposed to…probe a little?

He takes a mug and the coffee pot over to the table and pours a cup for DANIEL.

CARTER : Well then there’d be tracks, Sir. And there are none, at least nowhere in this image. Watch what happens when you run the play back frame by frame.

The monitor is very blurred, but shows a room instead of the tropical image.

CARTER : There.

DANIEL : Hello.

HAMMOND : What is it?

CARTER : I’m not sure. Their technology appears to be advanced beyond ours.

HAMMOND : Then that previous image was fake.

CARTER : There’s no other explanation, Sir. The initial images portraying this planet as a paradise seemed to have been manufactured and then broadcast back to us through the MALP.

O’NEILL and DANIEL are drinking the coffee and apparently enjoying it.

HAMMOND : Why?

CARTER : Possibly with the intended purpose of luring us into this room.

O’NEILL : See. I knew it was too good to be true.

DANIEL : Wow, this coffee’s great.

CARTER (mug in hand) : I was just thinking that.

O’NEILL : Yeah, is that cinnamon?

DANIEL : It’s chicory.

TEAL’C unscrews the lid from the coffee pot and drinks the contents.

CARTER (concerned) : TEAL’C?

O’NEILL : Isn’t that hot?

TEAL’C : Extremely.

The others all looked shocked.

HAMMOND : Just…stay on the base. We’re going to need to keep an eye on you for the time being.

DANIEL : I feel fine.

TEAL’C : As do I, DANIEL Jackson.

HAMMOND : For someone who just drank half a gallon of steaming hot coffee?

O’NEILL : Right.

INT – COMMISSARY, SGC

O’NEILL is sitting at a table, leafing through a report. He starts eating a slice of pie with a fork and enjoys it so much he puts the papers down and picks up the pie.

INT – MALP ROOM, SGC CARTER is working on a MALP. She suddenly gets up and heads out of the room, the Airman assigned to her following close behind.

INT – DANIEL’S OFFICE, SGC DANIEL is working at his desk. He looks up, then leaves the room.

INT – COMMISSARY, SGC

DANIEL, CARTER and TEAL’C enter the commissary, followed by the three Airmen assigned to them.

O’NEILL is sitting at a table surrounded by desserts.

DANIEL : Hungry.

CARTER : Yeah.

They sit down with O’NEILL and start eating.

O’NEILL : Try the pie.

CARTER (to O’NEILL) : Sir, I’m running a full diagnostic on the…

She eats a piece of blue jelly and pauses.

CARTER (cont’d) : …wow.

O’NEILL : Oh yeah.

DANIEL (with his mouth full) : This is the best pie I’ve ever had.

CARTER : What’s so different about it?

O’NEILL : Same old pie.

TEAL’C : It is most satisfying.

CARTER : Why does it taste so good?

O’NEILL : I dunno. All I do know is…I don’t even like yoghurt.

VOICE (over intercom) : SG1, report to Medlab 3.

SG1 reluctantly put their desserts down and head out of the commissary, followed by the Airmen.

O’NEILL stops at the doors.

O’NEILL : Wait. Sorry, sorry.

He goes back to grab another slice of pie to take with him.

INT – INFIRMARY, SGC

Dr FRASIER is showing SG1 their brain scans on a monitor.

FRASIER : These scans have a certain percentage of error. Basically, it looks like an errant pixel.

CARTER : But it’s in the exact same place on each of the scans.

A technician hands FRASIER a folder containing more X-rays.

FRASIER (to the tech) : Yeah, thank you. (To SG1) So I had to run a comparative analysis on the computer to be sure. It’s in the exact same spot in each of your brains but…we are talking about something smaller than the head of a pin.

She enlarges one of the scans.

CARTER : Barely large enough to show up on an X-ray.

FRASIER. : Right. Which is why I also needed to run an electron resonance scan…

She pauses as she takes out the new X-rays.

FRASIER (shocked) : This is, uh, magnified several thousand times. Sir.

She places the X-rays against the light on the wall. They show a strange piece of technology wired into SG1’s brains.

DANIEL : That thing is in all of us?

FRASIER : I’m afraid so.

INT – INFIRMARY, SGC

HAMMOND is now in the Infirmary as FRASIER shows him the X-rays.

HAMMOND : Can these devices be removed?

FRASIER : Not without causing irreparable brain damage, Sir.

O’NEILL : What’s the down side?

FRASIER : How they were implanted without any external marks or injury to the cortex is beyond me.

HAMMOND : Can we determine what threat they pose?

O’NEILL : Apparently, all desserts on Base are in grave danger.

FRASIER : We’ve determined that there’s a barely measurable electromagnetic field being emitted by the devices. But I’m not sure what that means.

CARTER : Well, so far all we’ve noticed are some cravings and a certain increased acuity in our senses.

DANIEL : Especially taste and smell.

HAMMOND (to SG1) : Until we find out the true purpose of these objects, I am quarantining you in the level 22 isolation quarters with a 24 hour guard.

EXT – CHEYENNE MOUNTAIN, (NIGHT)

A guard is patrolling outside the complex.

INT – QUARANTINE, SGC

An Airman stands guard outside SG1’s room.

Inside, O’NEILL is playing on a hand-held game, CARTER is working on a computer, while TEAL’C and DANIEL play chess.

VOICE : Boring!

O’NEILL : Who said that?

DANIEL : Wasn’t me.

VOICE : What do you say we all go do something?

O’NEILL : TEAL’C, did you hear that?

TEAL’C : I did.

O’NEILL : Who’s there?

VOICE : Ok. I’ll make it so you can all see me, but only because you asked.

A man appears before them in a flash of light.

MAN : You all can see me, right?

DANIEL (alarmed) : Apparently.

MAN : Oh good, I’m so glad. Hello, hello, hello. Ha ha ha. Now you all say it.

SG1 (in unison) : Hello URGO.

URGO : Ha. Do you know that you’re all much better looking on the outside than you are on the inside? On the inside, it’s so complicated. Oh please.

O’NEILL hesitantly walks around URGO.

O’NEILL (to the guard) : Airman? Could you come here?

The Airman enters the room and stands before O’NEILL.

O’NEILL (cont’d) : Do you see an intruder in this room? Anywhere?

The Airman glances around, sees SG1, but doesn’t see URGO.

AIRMAN : No, Sir.

URGO smiles from behind the Airman.

O’NEILL : Right. Dismissed.

The Airman leaves and URGO chuckles.

O’NEILL : Alright, what are you?

URGO : URGO.

DANIEL : Which might explain why we all just said ‘Hello URGO’.

URGO : No. You are not dreaming.

DANIEL (in dismay) : You read our thoughts?

URGO : Don’t panic. Just the thoughts you’re having at the moment.

CARTER : Of course. You’re actually in our heads, aren’t you?

URGO : You are so smart, SAMANTHA. I love that about you.

O’NEILL : CARTER?

CARTER : The technology implanted in our brains, Sir. We’re looking at some sort of visual communication interface. A controlled hallucination.

O’NEILL : So…I…what?

URGO : He gets confused. By the way, who is Mary Steenburgen?

CARTER : This is incredible. The devices must be linked somehow. Dr FRASIER said they’re emitting a small EM field, like…radio frequencies.

DANIEL : Are you saying the devices in our brains are some sort of wireless computer network?

CARTER : Yeah, an incredibly sophisticated one, obviously able to work over significant distances. I mean, that’s why we were all drawn to the commissary when Colonel O’NEILL was eating dessert.

O’NEILL : He can make us do stuff?

URGO : No never. In spite of what you’re thinking, never.

CARTER (to URGO) : But you can make suggestions, can’t you? And enhance our sensory perception of experiences.

DANIEL : Like making things taste better.

URGO : Well, didn’t it?

CARTER : Well, why not? He’s tapped into our brains, he’s making us all…see and hear him.

URGO : Boring. By the way, who decorated this room? It is so plain. Please don’t tell me that your whole planet is like this. Not the whole planet. Hey, couldn’t we go someplace else that’s not here…someplace, you know…that’s not here? Uh, kree. Anywhere. (Whispering) Boring.

INT – INFIRMARY, SGC

SG1 are sitting before Dr FRASIER.

FRASIER : Ok, so what does he look like? URGO stands next to her and strikes a pose.

O’NEILL : A famous tenor.

URGO points to a piece of equipment.

URGO : What’s this?

FRASIER : And you’re seeing the exact same thing at the exact same time?

CARTER : Yep.

URGO : What is this?

CARTER (to URGO) : It’s a defibrillator.

URGO : Ah, interesting. Thank you. Is it defibrillating now?

CARTER (to a confused FRASIER) : He, uh…it seems to crave new experiences. (To URGO) You use the paddles to administer an electric shock to people whose hearts are beating irregularly.

URGO : Ah, and then they feel better? Does it feel good? Does it hurt? It hurts!

DANIEL : I would think so.

URGO : Let’s try it.

DANIEL : No, I don’t think so.

URGO : Why not? It’s not gonna kill you, is it? Or is it?

FRASIER : It talks to you?

CARTER : I think it experiences things through us, using our sensors to collect information.

URGO (intently, to TEAL’C) : Try the paddles.

TEAL’C gets up and walks over to the equipment.

FRASIER : So, do you experience any…physical sensations…?

She trails off as TEAL’C switches the defibrillator on.

FRASIER : Hey!

She turns it off again.

O’NEILL : TEAL’C!

URGO : Will you loosen up?

O’NEILL : Hey, I’m loose.

CARTER : He doesn’t have total control over us, just the power of suggestion.

DANIEL : He also seems to be able to enhance our enjoyment of certain experiences in order to motivate us.

FRASIER : Really.

TEAL’C : He appears unresponsive to direct questioning.

URGO : No, no that’s not true. Oh, I’m picking your brains, you can pick my brains. I’ll tell you anything you want to know. Ask me, ask me anything, what, what.

TEAL’C : Tell us how to remove you from our brains.

URGO : Oh, except that, ha ha. Duh.

O’NEILL : You said anything.

URGO : Wait a minute, why do you want to remove me from your brains? Don’t you understand, I’m in your brains, I know you like me, what are you trying to prove, you can’t fool me.

O’NEILL : No URGO. We don’t like you.

URGO : Admit it, tough guy. A smidgen?

O’NEILL : No smidgen.

URGO : I wouldn’t blame you, I have a lot of endearing qualities.

TEAL’C : He will not co-operate O’NEILL.

URGO : Years from now, when you’re thinking about me, you’re gonna say ‘How did I ever get along without that wonderful, constant companion?’ Woof.

O’NEILL : Years from now?

DANIEL : Woof?

URGO : There is no way to remove me from your brains. Forget about it.

O’NEILL : What are you doing in our brains in the first place?

URGO : Well, ha ha ha, she got it. (He points to CARTER) You got it. I’m here to learn. I’m here to experience your world.

DANIEL : So we’ve been tagged, like we do with animals in the wild when we want to study them.

TEAL’C : We are not wild animals.

URGO : Speak for yourself, big fella.

CARTER : Hang on a second. The race who created you, and put these things in our brains, they’re gonna want the information you’re collecting at some point.

URGO : I suppose.

CARTER : So how do they get it?

URGO : You don’t wanna know.

CARTER : Let’s say I do.

URGO : Don’t worry, you will never have to find out.

CARTER : Aren’t you programmed? I mean, how can you defy your creators?

URGO : Because they’re evil, they’re really scary evil and we don’t want anything to do with them.

He gives her a meaningful look.

DANIEL : So maybe if we contact whoever created the technology.

URGO : That would be bad, very bad.

O’NEILL : Why should we listen to you?

URGO : Ok, I know that you only like me a little bit, but I like you a lot. And I do not want you to die.

O’NEILL : Die?

URGO : Yes, as in dead. They’re gonna kill you. They’ll open your brains with a big, giant can opener and then they scoop me out with a big scoopy thing. That’s how it works. It’s death or me. Me or death. You’ve got to decide. Me or death.

No one answers.

URGO : Well?

O’NEILL : We’re thinking.

INT – DEBRIEFING ROOM, SGC

SG1 are sitting at the table, with HAMMOND and FRASIER at one end and URGO at the other. An Airman stands guard behind him.

URGO (singing) : Me, me, me, me, me me me, me me, me, me, me me me. Me, me, me, me me me, me me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me…(Trails off, then picks up again) Me, me, me, me, me me me…

O’NEILL (annoyed) : Will you stop it?!

URGO shuts up. The Airman thinks O’NEILL is talking to him, while HAMMOND and FRASIER look on in shock.

O’NEILL : Please.

HAMMOND : So this technology is living vicariously through you?

O’NEILL : I say we risk it all and go back to the planet.

CARTER : Well what if he’s telling the truth about his creators?

O’NEILL : There’s no way to get him out of us here, right?

URGO : No, no way.

FRASIER : No.

URGO : See, she knows.

CARTER : Maybe there’s another way. I haven’t had much time to study the technology, but I could at least try to figure out a way to turn him off.

URGO : Turn me off?

O’NEILL (to CARTER) : Please.

URGO : You’re wasting your time, it’s impossible. Hey, I got an idea, why don’t we play hide and seek? You hide, and I’ll…you know…I’m not gonna cheat, you know, ‘cause I have…(He covers his eyes) One, two, three, four…

HAMMOND (to CARTER) : Whatever you need, Major. Dismissed.

URGO : Five, six…

CARTER : Thank you.

They all leave the room.

URGO : Seven, eight, nine, ten…ha, ha.

URGO uncovers his eyes and looks around for SG1.

INT – CORRIDOR, SGC

CARTER is walking down the corridor, followed by her guard, talking to empty space.

CARTER (irritated) : I don’t have time to play, URGO. I don’t care if I’m ‘it’. Because I have work to do. No, I am not hungry. Look, go eat pie with Colonel O’NEILL. I am very busy right now

She meets HAMMOND and FRASIER in the corridor.

HAMMOND : Major?

CARTER : I was just talking to URGO, Sir.

HAMMOND : I see.

CARTER : Oh, I wish you did.

FRASIER (to empty space) : Alright, look URGO. Major CARTER would like to…

CARTER : Uh, Janet. He’s…right here.

She points to a different spot.

FRASIER : Well then, URGO, Major CARTER would very much like to be left alone.

CARTER : Janet, uh, as much as I appreciate it, please…(She looks shocked) URGO, that is rude!

FRASIER (annoyed) : What did he say?

CARTER : Uh, if you’ll excuse me, I have work to do.

She gestures for URGO to go, then follows, still conversing with him.

HAMMOND (to FRASIER) : Doctor, are we entirely sure the members of SG1 are…what’s the word?

FRASIER : Sane?

HAMMOND : That’s the one.

FRASIER : Yes, Sir. Remember, every thing we see or hear is processed in the brain. URGO is creating an image of himself that they’re responding to just like they would you or me.

HAMMOND : If you say so.

They carry on down the corridor.

INT – CARTER’S LAB, SGC

CARTER is drinking coffee while she works on a way to turn URGO off.

URGO : Way off. Not even close. Not a chance. Forget about it.

CARTER smiles.

O’NEILL, TEAL’C and DANIEL enter the laboratory.

O’NEILL : CARTER.

CARTER : I believe I have a solution, Sir.

O’NEILL : Please.

CARTER : The electromagnetic field these devices generate indicate they’re still based on electronic principles.

URGO : So smart and yet…so wrong.

CARTER (smiling) : I don’t think so. An EM pulse should do it.

She goes to take a sip of her drink.

URGO : Ahhh!

CARTER spills her hot coffee on her arm.

CARTER : Ah!

URGO : Oh.

CARTER : URGO, that’s hot!

URGO (contritely) : I didn’t mean to.

CARTER : Yes, you did. Now stop it. (To O’NEILL) Fact is, Sir, URGO’S been trying to distract me like this since I first started thinking about it, so I’m probably on the right track.

URGO : I hope I didn’t hurt you, I’m really sorry.

CARTER : I’ll live.

URGO (to O’NEILL) : She forgives me.

CARTER : A strong enough EM pulse can knock out most electronic-based technologies. It would be harmless to us, but it should render URGO impotent.

URGO : Could you, ah, rephrase that?

O’NEILL (to CARTER) : Do it.

URGO : Oh, please. Oh, please don’t do this. Hey, listen, I didn’t mean to scald you. I like you, I really, really do. Please, it was an accident.

CARTER moves around, switching on equipment.

CARTER : This room is shielded so it won’t affect any of the Base’s technology.

URGO : Don’t do this please. What can I do to make you like me?

O’NEILL (to CARTER) : You sure this won’t hurt us?

URGO : No, it’s gonna hurt me.

CARTER : We won’t even feel it.

URGO : But I will. I throw myself at your mercy. Please, have mercy. Ooh, I know, I can be smaller…

He disappears in a flash of light and reappears as a tiny figure on the table.

URGO : How’s this?

CARTER (to the others) : Ready?

URGO : I’m here, look how teeny-weeny I am. How can anything this teeny-weeny hurt anybody?

He suddenly reappears, full-sized, behind O’NEILL.

URGO : Wait! I can be dull. Want me to be dull? (In a toneless voice) What a nice shade of gray. How about some white bread with mayonnaise? Wanna watch golf on television?

O’NEILL (to CARTER) : Will you flip that switch?

URGO : No. Oh, how about this?

He then reappears smartly dressed as an Airman.

URGO (cont’d) : Can you resist this?

SG1 are unimpressed. URGO changes back.

URGO : Don’t do that, oh sacre bleu. (He starts to fade) I’m melting, I’m melting. What a world, what a world…

CARTER : The pulse hasn’t gone off yet URGO. It’s on a timer.

URGO : Oh. How much time do I…?

There is an electrical surge and URGO disappears.

CARTER checks her equipment while O’NEILL waves his hand through the air where URGO was standing.

DANIEL : That’s it?

CARTER : Yep.

TEAL’C : I feel no differently.

O’NEILL (quietly) : Listen.

There’s no sound.

CARTER : What?

O’NEILL : Exactly.

DANIEL : Way to go, SAM.

CARTER : We’ll see.

INT – INFIRMARY, SGC

FRASIER is checking SG1’s results once more.

FRASIER (to HAMMOND) : The devices are still present, but the EM field that was being emitted by them is gone. Everything else checks out to me.

O’NEILL : Request permission for SG1 to go back to work, Sir.

FRASIER looks doubtful.

HAMMOND : Give it a week.

O’NEILL : A week?

SG1 all appear disappointed.

INT – FRASIER’S OFFICE, SGC

FRASIER is at her desk, talking with CARTER. The monitors on the wall show the rooms occupied by the rest of SG1.

FRASIER : Well, everything looks normal. How are you feeling?

CARTER : Great. I just wanna get back to work.

FRASIER : Well assuming you are clear by next weekend, CASSANDRA and I are going to the lake and we are going to rent a rowboat. Would you like to come along?

CARTER : Yeah, I’d love to.

FRASIER : Great. Can you send DANIEL up next?

CARTER : Yeah.

She gets up and heads out of the office.

CARTER(singing) : Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream. Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream.

FRASIER looks up in surprise. On the monitors, the rest of SG1 are also singing ‘Row, row, row your boat.’

INT – DEBRIEFING ROOM, SGC

SG1 are sitting at the table with HAMMOND and FRASIER.

O’NEILL : I was not singing. I’d know if I was singing. I don’t even know the words to ‘Row, row, row…’

FRASIER shows him the recording she made.

O’NEILL (on video, singing) : …life is but a dream. And row, row, row your boat gently down the stream…

She turns it off.

O’NEILL : Ok. If you call that singing.

He closes his eyes as he realises what’s going on.

O’NEILL : URGO.

URGO appears opposite him in a flash of light.

URGO (laughing) : I couldn’t help myself.

O’NEILL bangs his head on the table.

CARTER : I was so sure it would work.

URGO : Oh, it did, don’t feel bad. It did work for a while. Everything went away, it was very sad. Very, very sad, and then all of a sudden I was back in your brains where I belong.

CARTER : The system must have some sort of reset. I’m sorry.

HAMMOND : I’m sorry too. Because as long as that device is capable of influencing you in any way, you’re relieved of active duty.

O’NEILL (face down on the table) : Oh, General, is that really necessary?

HAMMOND : I believe it is. Whether you admit it or not, you’ve been compromised. The fact is, an alien entity has control over you, however limited. We don’t know what it’s capable of.

CARTER : Well, he can’t actually make us do anything we don’t want to, Sir.

FRASIER : Then why did I have to treat your arm for a burn? Didn’t you say URGO was responsible?

URGO : I didn’t mean to!

O’NEILL/CARTER/DANIEL (in unison) : He didn’t mean to.

TEAL’C : It was not his intention.

The others all look at TEAL’C.

HAMMOND : I trust I have made my point.

O’NEILL : Come on URGO, be a mensch. How do we get rid of you?

URGO : I have no idea. I really…I just don’t know.

CARTER : He really may not know, Sir.

O’NEILL : How could he not know?

CARTER : He’s just the program.

O’NEILL : Program?

CARTER : I’m just saying that your software doesn’t know how your computer works.

O’NEILL : Hey! My software doesn’t make me sing ‘Row, row, row your boat.’

URGO : Please. Please don’t fight, I’m here, what’s the difference how? Look, I’m not going to make another noise, not a peep, nothing. I’m gonna be quiet like a little tiny mouse, not a peep. Watch. (Laughing) I got an idea. Why don’t we play a game? Some sort of a wonderful game? Uh, something with a dictionary. It’s so much fun. You know, you get a word and then, ha, you write what you think the word is. Oh, it’s a lot of laughs. (He points to O’NEILL) And educational. It’s really nice. I think you’ll like it.

O’NEILL puts his head back down on the table.

INT – CONTROL ROOM, SGC

A MALP is in the Gateroom, ready to be deployed. Armed soldiers stand behind it.

TECHNICIAN : Chevron seven coded and locked.

The STARGATE opens and the MALP moves forward.

URGO points to the MALP on the screen CARTER is monitoring the Gateroom from.

URGO : Oh, what’s that?

CARTER : Actually, it’s our version of you.

URGO : But not as suave and sophisticated, n’est pas?

CARTER : It’s equipped with sensors, video camera, microphone…we use it to explore in much the same way that you do, except that…

O’NEILL (warningly) : CARTER.

CARTER : Sir. I don’t know why I was telling him that.

O’NEILL : Hello.

The screen shows the tropical planet.

URGO : Oh, how beautiful. Can we go there?

CARTER : It’s an illusion. Your creators do this in order to lure people into their trap.

URGO : See I told you they were mean, that’s mean.

TECHNICIAN : The MALP is online, General.

HAMMOND speaks into a microphone, his voice transmitted through the MALP on the other side of the STARGATE.

HAMMOND : This is General HAMMOND of the planet Earth. We know the images being transmitted to us are false. We request a dialogue. Please respond.

URGO (whispering) : Why is he doing that?

DANIEL : We’re trying to communicate with your creators.

URGO : No, bad, no.

DANIEL : It’s our last alternative before we resort to actually going back there.

URGO (to O’NEILL) : You know, you were just thinking of that island Maui. With the big beaches and the little bikinis. That’s where we should go ‘cause it’s very nice and warm there…instead of being here.

VOICE : Who dares challenge TOGAR?

URGO (covering his face) : That voice. (Whispering) It’s him.

HAMMOND : Dr Jackson?

DANIEL goes over to the microphone.

DANIEL : This is Dr DANIEL Jackson. We don’t mean to challenge you. We’ve discovered the devices you implanted in our brains and we’d like you to remove them…him.

TOGAR : Him?

DANIEL : URGO.

TOGAR : How do you know this name?

URGO shakes his head.

DANIEL : He told us. He interacts with us.

O’NEILL (yelling into the microphone) : He’s driving us crazy!

TOGAR : That is an error. Return the subjects. URGO will be removed.

The STARGATE shuts down, ending the transmission.

O’NEILL : You heard the man.

CARTER : Sir, we could be risking our lives.

O’NEILL : Ok. Let’s ask the question. Do we want to give up SG1 and walk around the rest of our lives with…him yapping away in our heads?

URGO (whispering) : Yes. Say yes.

O’NEILL : Or…do we take the risk and try and find a way to get rid of him so we can get on with our lives?

URGO (whispering) : No. Say no.

DANIEL : Sorry, URGO.

O’NEILL : That’s good enough. TEAL’C?

TEAL’C : If we are to remain in the service of this world…URGO must be removed.

URGO (to CARTER) : SAM. SAMMIE. You like me. I remind you of your Uncle Irving. (He makes a popping noise) Remember?

CARTER (smiling) : Yeah, I guess you do a little.

O’NEILL : CARTER?

CARTER : Sorry. I guess I say we go.

HAMMOND : Then it’s settled.

URGO buries his face in his hands.

INT – LOCKER ROOM, SGC

SG1 are preparing to go off world.

DANIEL : What do you suppose TOGAR really meant by an ‘error’?

CARTER : I suppose he meant URGO wasn’t supposed to be interacting with us.

URGO : Oh please, please don’t go, he’s gonna kill you. He really will, he’s nasty. It’ll be a painful and awful death. Honest. Ok, ok, fine. He’s gonna kill me. You heard him. Oh you people, for crying out loud. Don’t you have any feelings?

CARTER : Do you?

O’NEILL : CARTER? Why do you humour him? He’s obviously programmed for self-preservation.

CARTER : Sir, that voice, TOGAR, said that this was an error. We’re probably not even supposed to know he’s here. (To URGO) You aren’t supposed to be interacting with us, are you?

URGO : Well, um, actually when I first, er…and we got to be…Technically? No.

CARTER : Can you describe how you’re feeling right now?

URGO : Me? Nervous, agitated…a little hungry.

DANIEL : Afraid?

URGO : Oh, sure, ok.

CARTER : Of what?

URGO : Oh, going away like last time, not experiencing, not being here with you.

CARTER : Of death?

URGO : Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh sure. Big time. He’s gonna kill me and that’s why that death thing keeps popping up.

CARTER (to O’NEILL) : Sir.

O’NEILL : CARTER?

DANIEL : Wait a minute JACK.

O’NEILL : DANIEL?

DANIEL : By definition, what constitutes a sentient life form?

CARTER : Self-awareness, consciousness.

URGO : I’m me. No doubt about that. What else?

CARTER : Uh, the ability to think independently.

URGO : I’m independent. I just, you know, like company.

DANIEL : Fear of death.

URGO : I got that too.

O’NEILL : You’re not gonna convince me it’s alive. Look.

He puts his arms through URGO and waves them around.

URGO : Hey, hey hey.

O’NEILL : He’s not really here. He’s here. (He taps his head) In our heads.

DANIEL : There are plenty of life forms that require other life forms to live.

TEAL’C (to URGO) : Then you are parasite, like the Goa’uld.

URGO (mimicking TEAL’C) : Parasite, like the Goa’uld.

CARTER : Or, a Tok’ra. I mean, just by being parasitical by nature doesn’t make you inherently bad.

O’NEILL : It’s a machine!

URGO : That hurts.

CARTER : Sir, he’s artificial intelligence, but…just because someone made him doesn’t mean he isn’t…alive.

URGO : Listen to her.

O’NEILL : So what are you saying?

CARTER : I’m just saying we should consider it. I mean, maybe this error wasn’t really an error at all, but rather some higher technological evolution…the birth of a whole new life form.

DANIEL : I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I think I agree with SAM.

O’NEILL : What?

CARTER : Well, Sir, it’s just…

O’NEILL : No! HAMMOND said it, we’ve been compromised. Now we explain the situation to this…Toga guy, and we let him deal with Hugo once he’s out of our heads.

DANIEL : URGO.

O’NEILL : URGO.

He grabs his jacket.

O’NEILL (cont’d) : Let’s go.

URGO : Oh. I’m doomed.

VFX: Shooting through wormhole.

INT – PLANET

SG1 step out of the STARGATE and are instantly transported to a laboratory-like room, stripped of their weapons and equipment.

O’NEILL : I hate it when that happens.

URGO : Ooh, this is bad, this is very bad. Very bad.

A door rolls open and a man stands before them.

MAN : Do not move or I will render you unconscious, if necessary.

DANIEL : You’re TOGAR?

TOGAR steps into the room. He looks exactly like URGO.

TOGAR : Yes, TOGAR.

URGO (whispering) : As handsome as he is evil.

TOGAR is carrying some type of weapon in his hand.

TEAL’C : There is no reason to fear us.

TOGAR : I fear not.

The door rolls closed behind him.

URGO : Oh, he’s a madman, he’s an evil, terrible madman. Run for your lives.

TOGAR (to URGO) : I hear you. Be silent!

O’NEILL : Wait. You hear him?

TOGAR : Yes. (He points to a glowing device on his ear) Hear and see.

DANIEL : Then you should be able to see that he’s afraid.

TOGAR : Relocate.

He gestures with the weapon and they stand aside.

URGO : While I’m being silent, TOGAR, I’d like to point out that when I called you a madman, I meant it in the nicest possible way.

TOGAR : Come. (He beckons) Come forward. Come forth.

SG1 stand before him.

TOGAR : Stay.

He passes his hand over a clear container and a strange creature with eyestalks appears inside.

A beam of blue lights hits the creature and passes into a dish.

TOGAR : URGO…is this.

A tiny device appears in the dish.

TOGAR (cont’d) : The specimen is unharmed. (He waves his hand and the creature disappears) As you will be.

DANIEL : What about URGO?

TOGAR : It will be destroyed.

URGO : See. Oh, what did I tell you? Oh please, don’t let him do this to me. TEAL’C, help me. Kree! Jump him, give him a double jaffa, go on.

CARTER (to TOGAR) : The technology you invented is very advanced.

TOGAR : Yes.

URGO : It’s because they’re all too scared to go out and experience things for themselves.

TOGAR : Enough!

DANIEL : Look, we’re very grateful that you’re willing to take URGO out of our minds.

CARTER : The point is, we think URGO may actually be alive.

TOGAR : He is an error.

CARTER : Maybe he is. But another word for it might be miracle.

TOGAR : That is ridiculous.

CARTER : Well, what you call an error has somehow resulted in life. I mean, he’s self-aware, he’s acting and thinking independently, he’s afraid of his own death. By any definition, he’s acting…alive.

O’NEILL : All we’re saying is that maybe there’s a way of doing this without…killing him.

TOGAR : There is not.

O’NEILL : Ok, had to ask.

CARTER (to TOGAR) : I don’t understand. Why not?

TOGAR : The unit must be in a life form. It cannot exist on its own.

CARTER : Well there has to be some way, you created it.

DANIEL : You’d be killing something you gave life.

URGO (to TOGAR) : Dad.

URGO and TOGAR stare at each other.

URGO : This is a terrible idea. I’d rather die a painful and horrible death.

DANIEL : It’s just a thought.

URGO : I wanna live. I wanna experience the universe and I wanna eat pie.

O’NEILL : Who doesn’t?

TOGAR : Enough babbling. Explain.

DANIEL : I was just thinking that maybe you’d want to put URGO in you.

URGO : No! No, I wouldn’t do that. I’d rather be in that little…with the eyes and…no!

TOGAR : The purpose of the technology is to observe and explore.

CARTER : But the technology is different now.

DANIEL : Look, we don’t know you very well, but I get the distinct feeling that URGO is everything you’re not.

URGO : You can say that again.

DANIEL : But I think that he’s everything you wish you were. Outgoing, adventuresome…

O’NEILL : Annoying.

DANIEL : Look, it would be a chance to change, to maybe experience some of the things that you’re afraid to do yourself.

TOGAR : No, not afraid.

TEAL’C : Why do you not explore worlds through the STARGATE yourself?

TOGAR appears to consider this.

TOGAR (slowly) : It could help me learn how the error occurred.

CARTER : Then you’ll do it.

TOGAR : I could try.

URGO : Count me out. I don’t wanna do it. He’s mean and boring and…and…and…mean.

O’NEILL : We’re giving you a chance here. Him or death.

URGO : No, I…

O’NEILL : Death or him.

URGO : Oh dear.

O’NEILL : Well?

URGO : I’m thinking.

He looks at TOGAR while SG1 wait.

URGO : He’s so…so, um…

O’NEILL : Mean?

URGO : Yeah.

O’NEILL : Boring? So change him.

URGO : Me change him? Ha, ha ha. Ok, I’ll do it.

O’NEILL (to TOGAR) : URGO thinks it’s a great idea and I’m sure you’ll enjoy his presence as much as we have.

URGO : See, I knew it. I knew you liked me. Ha, I was right.

O’NEILL : Maybe…a little.

URGO : How about a hug?

O’NEILL : Don’t push it.

INT – LABORATORY, PLANET

TOGAR stands under the beam of light as URGO is transferred from SG1. He looks up and sees URGO waving at him.

DANIEL : URGO?

TOGAR : URGO is here.

URGO : I’m here. I’m here!

SG1 can no longer see or hear him.

O’NEILL : Well, TOGAR. Thanks for your hospitality, we appreciate it.

TOGAR : I will return you to your planet now.

DANIEL : Wait, TOGAR. How do we know that URGO’S really alive?

URGO : I’m here, I’m here! Tell ‘em, tell ‘em!

TOGAR (annoyed) : I will as soon as you are quiet!

O’NEILL and DANIEL (in unison) : He’s alive.

TOGAR : URGO says goodbye and I say…thank you.

DANIEL : Bye URGO.

Even though he can’t see, URGO waves goodbye.

CARTER (to TOGAR) : I was thinking now that we’ve got to know each other and helped each other out, maybe we could share some information about our respective…

TOGAR blinks and SG1 vanishes in a flash of light.

URGO : Oh, I’m gonna miss ‘em. Hey, I know why don’t we…?

TOGAR : No!

URGO : Why not?

TOGAR : No!

URGO : It’s really fun and exciting.

TOGAR : No.

URGO : Are you sure we’re thinking of the same thing?

TOGAR : Positive.

URGO : Oh, but you don’t know what you’re missing.

INT – GATEROOM, SGC

SG1 step out of the Gate onto the ramp, with all their weapons and equipment returned to them.

HAMMOND is waiting at the bottom of the ramp with armed soldiers and the MALP.

HAMMOND (to soldiers) : Stand down! (To SG1) Glad you’re back safe, SG1. Was the mission successful?

O’NEILL (confused) : Uh…

CARTER : General, didn’t we just…?

HAMMOND : You’ve been gone over ten hours, Major.

CARTER : Oh boy.

HAMMOND : Report to the Infirmary.

O’NEILL : Yes, Sir.

SG1 wearily make their way down the ramp.

FADE OUT

THE END